Day of Surprises

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

First off, I'd like to wish a happy 67th birthday yesterday to an American Treasure, Neil Diamond. Since 1966, he has been performing and writing some of the great songs in American pop culture. Some of the hits that he was written and performed are "Sweet Caroline", "America", "Kentucky Woman", "Cracklin' Rose", "Love on the Rocks", "Forever in Blue Jeans", "Red Red Wine", "Girl, You'll Be A Woman Soon", "Solitary Man", even "I'm a Believer" made famous by the Monkees (and Shrek) and my personal favorite, "Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show." Overall, he has sold over 48 MILLION records over his forty-plus year career. He is also among the most shafted individuals when it comes to divorce…because in 1995, his second divorce cost him $150 MILLION dollars (that's almost $4 per album sold). His response, a classy "She earned every penny." For my unclassy response, that's a lot of oral satisfaction (by that, I mean spoken gratitude AND fellatio). Regardless, happy birthday Mr. Diamond!!!

You all read about the work drama yesterday...but as I was finishing up that post, the Mad Scientist showed up at the Cooliseum and we watched "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" to get a few cheap laughs...and it was effective. JJ and her friend Lin stopped by...for about twenty minutes. Apparently, they had a lot of cool kid stuff to do. I've started to realize something though, guys typically love Aqua Teen Hunger Force...and women don't. It's a mystery. Guys will laugh at every hilarious line of dialogue...and girls will sit and think "A bag of fries, a milkshake, and a meatball are on TV...and Desperate Housewives is on in 15 minutes. This is ridiculous." For the most part. I understand there are probably some hotties out there that like ATHF...but they are few and far between. Just an observation from yesterday.

After ATHF, the Mad Scientist went through my video collection and stumbled upon "Plan 9 from Outer Space" so we watched that. For those who don't know, "Plan 9 from Outer Space" is the real life movie made by writer-producer-director Edward D. Wood, jr. and was immortalized as the movie made in the Tim Burton film "Ed Wood" starring Johnny Depp and Martin Landau. It is highly regarded as one of the WORST movies ever made...even when it was made back in the fifties. It is however hilarious to watch...because it is so bad. From a plot that is simply ridiculous to dialogue that is even more ridiculous to a giant detective that luckily only has three unintelligible lines to Bela Lugosi's final performance really being two scenes played over & over again to dark filtering to try to display day & night ineffectively to a police chief who constantly has his gun in his right hand to point, motion, tip his hat, and scratch his neck to Vampira not doing much to the plot except showing her V-neck to a superintelligent alien being reduced to saying "Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid humans." Yeah, it's a great movie to watch with friends. I would recommend it to anybody.

How do you follow up that movie? With "Killer Klowns from Outer Space" about...well, clowns from outer space...that kill humans. John Vernon (Dean Werner from "Animal House") is in this movie...but that's the only actor you're going to recognize...except maybe for Christopher Titus being briefly shown (he's Bob McReed) before he was famous. It was also pretty hilarious to watch...just because it was so ridiculous. All the usual clown cliches are in there from acidic cream pies to shooting popcorn at them to cocooning humans in cotton candy to shadow animals that eat people and so many more. Again, horrible dialogue and plot...but it's worth it for a few laughs. I love the soundtrack too. Think classic carnival music with a new age rock twist to it. I was actually a little impressed at how advanced the motion on the giant clown faces were seeing as the movie's about twenty years old...and I can only imagine had a budget of a few thousand dollars. Kudos to the Chiodo Brothers for writing, directing, producing, catering, and all the other stuff they did in this movie.

About halfway through the movie, the Mad Scientist got a call from his girlfriend From Russia with Love...and she said that the Double Blind Date was a go for tonight. What? He then said that, apparently what happened the other day was she was having a little cold feet or something and wasn't looking forward to a double blind date...so the Mad Scientist said that he'd just break it to me easy. Being a reader of my blog, he knew that saying something like "She got back with her ex" would work...and would kind of be expected. It did. However, today (after having depressing conversations with coworkers and a few alcoholic beverages) she was cool with it. It's all good that TMS made up something, he's a cool cat. He knows how it is. So anyway, in a few hours, I was going to meet my date...at where else? IHOP around midnight.

First though, Bubbles showed up and we watched "Dumb & Dumber" starring Jim Carrey & Jeff Daniels, one of the funniest movies ever made. Period. Everybody knows the lines (at least all the cool kids). So yeah, we watched it. Good times were had by all. We skip forward to the date.

We met up with my date Maya at the IHOP...and she is gorgeous. Average height, slim build, beautiful eyes, great smile, completely out of my league. I'm not really being modest, she was just really that cute. Anyway, we sit down and we're seated so we're kitty corner from one another so the conversation is really in the center of the table. Conversation was really good. She's funny. She laughing at my jokes. Whenever the conversation stops, TMS would throw out a tid-bit like "Did you know the average conversation only lasts seven minutes?" which would start another conversation. The food was good. Another topic of conversation was whether the waiter was trying to hit on Maya...or me. He was very attentive and brought her a lot of extra whipped cream for her chocolate pancakes (oh yeah, it was hot...especially when she won the burping contest) and he...I don't know, everybody else was pretty convinced that he was flirting with me...but I'm clueless to that stuff. There were a few comments he threw out that caught me off guard but nothing out of the ordinary in my opinion. Final verdict though: More than likely me. I'm flattered...but no thank you.

The Mad Scientist and From Russia with Love are a great, cute couple. In fact, one of the cutest that I have ever seen. Cheesy movie cute. Later in the date, they would do mini-PDAs like holding eachother's hands across the table and stuff...so then Maya and I would glance at eachother and smile. It was just really cute to see...and Maya was too. Anyway, we were heading out of IHOP and I tried doing a quick getting-to-know-you thing on the way to her car...and when we got there, I told her that I had a great time and would like to do it again sometime. She agreed and said we should definitely hang out and watch "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" (it was an item of conversation) or something. Agreed. We hugged. She realized that I was really tall...and we hugged again. I was on Cloud Nine...so I help her with her door, "Have a good night. Drive safe." Walk away with a huge smile on my face. As I meet up with TMS & FRWL, "So...did you get her digits?" SH*T!!! "No, I didn't even think about it. (She was already driving away) Damn it." Crap, I didn't even give her MY phone number. So this morning, I asked them to pass my number along...because I was a nervous nitwitty nincompoop. It obviously had been a LONG time since I've been on a date...and even then, I'm usually too nervous to do anything. Did I funk it up? I hope not. She was awesome. Did she like me? I think so...but I have no idea. I'm horrible at reading women. It has been proven. Well, we'll see how it goes...but I had a great time...and hopefully more to come if she's interested. We'll leave it at that for now. Now, for some real news...

Work Stress Can Kill You - The findings from a long-running study involving more than 10,000 British civil servants also suggest stress-induced biological changes may play a more direct role than previously thought towards increased risk of heart disease, the leading cause of Death in the world. The team conducted seven surveys over a 12-year period and found chronically stressed workers -- people determined to be under severe pressure in the first two of the surveys -- had a 68 percent higher risk of developing heart disease…highest among people under 50 years of age. What does this mean? Relax…or else. Not the most calming message ever…but might I suggest finding something that you love to do and can make money with. It's like my old buddy Confucius said, "Choose a job you love and you will never have to work a day in your life." Take your breaks. Don't stress about deadlines. Eat your vegetables. Don't overload your schedule. Wash your feet. Ask a tall sexy coworker for a back rub. Do whatever you need to do to relax in your work environment short of talking off your clothes. Save that for a lunch break with that same tall sexy coworker. To quote the immortal words of Sir Van Wilder, "Don't take life too seriously. You'll never make it out alive." Yeah, this would have obviously been a lot easier to say a few days ago...but it still rings true.

No Dogs Allowed - A British bus company has apologized to a girl who is led around on a leash by her boyfriend and describes herself as a human pet after one of its drivers threw her off a bus. 19-year old Tasha Maltby and her 25-year old fiancé Dani Graves walked onto the bus, dressed in Goth garb and a leash around her neck, so the bus driver allegedly threw them off and said, "We don’t let freaks and dogs like you on." (My guess, he didn't say dogs) Obviously the bus company says that it was more of a safety concern than discrimination but as Maltby told the Daily Mail in London, "I am a pet. I generally act animal-like and I lead a really easy life. I don't cook or clean and I don't go anywhere without Dani. It might seem strange but it makes us both happy. It's my culture and my choice. It isn't hurting anyone." I can only imagine what goes on behind closed doors at their flat. So many ways to twist this story. Man's best friend, screw the pooch, doggy style, basically an endless array of James Bond-like one-liners…but I find myself wondering if they've ever been walking down the street and Tasha will bend a fresh biscuit on the street. Or if she starts to hump some passerby's leg…if they give the same response as if a Scottish Terrier would. So many questions arise.

Pussy Smuggler - A ten-month old tabby kitten was returned to her owner in Florida when found by a man in Fort Worth. It's slightly more complicated than that though. The kitten had jumped into her owner's suitcase, the owner put the suitcase in cargo, and then it was mistakenly picked up by a man in Fort Worth, Texas. "I went to unpack and saw some of the clothes and saw it wasn't my suitcase. I was going to close it, and a kitten jumped out and ran under the bed. I screamed like a little girl." He then called the owner (thanks to a tag on its neck) and returned it…but I have a few questions. Don't suitcases go through X-ray machines? Why do they if nobody noticed, for example, a kitten's skeleton? I'm sure it was just too small to really notice (or believe) but still. You never know. That may be the next way to attack us…with vicious blood-thirsty war kittens. It could happen.

Death of Devils? - Scientist may have found a reason for the previously unexplained deaths of Tasmanian Devils, the world's largest marsupial carnivore…and possibly the cutest ravenous rodent imaginable. Potentially cancer-causing chemicals used as flame retardants have been found in a few autopsies suggesting a link to the mysterious disease that threatens to wipe them out. Okay, honestly I just threw this story in so that I could put up yet another picture of a vicious fuzzy wuzzy creature. I'd love to check out Tasmania one of these days. Hell, if the Wild Boyz can do it, why not Dr. Love?

This Week in Haggis - Scotland is considering lobbying the United States to lift a ban on haggis that has been in affect since the Mad Cow Scare of the late 90's. Scotland's government insist its haggis (which usually contains the heart, liver and lungs wrapped inside a sheep's stomach lining) is safe and wants the ban lifted. Now, I spent a week all over Scotland…and basically had haggis at least once a day while I was there (and Guinness and whiskey to wash it down). Let me tell you, it really isn't that bad. It's basically like eating sausage meat or something. Consider the sheep's stomach like a grocery bag of the Highlands. What's inside the bag is delicious…especially with Nips & Tatties (turnips & potatoes…but it sounds really dirty to the perverted). Sure, if the meat's safe, we should allow it…but is there REALLY a big market for haggis in the US? Well, I guess if there's a market for anything, it's either in the US or China…and I don't see haggis being a big thing over there. Maybe the other 'dark meat' parts…but who knows? Believe it or not, I have been wrong before.

Here's a quick little ditty that I found on fellow blogger Amber's site…and I thought that I might share it with you. I found it quite insightful…and humorous at the same time. Feel free to check it out.





By the way, for those who just listened to that song, Led Zeppelin may be just a band, the Beatles may be just a band, Nirvana may be just a band, but Elvis is the f**king man. Have a great day everybody!!!