Klaatu Verada Nikto

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Just to clarify what I said yesterday, Mr. Wingman is doing very well. I talked with him & we made stupid jokes. I may have not made that clear yesterday…and I apologize. We're already planning on a spring road trip…possibly along the Pacific Coast. Stay tuned for that as well. Let's see, other than that. I went with my dad to get Utah Blaze tickets this morning. My dad & I are huge fans of football…especially here in Utah. We called them up last week to make sure that tickets went on sale this morning…and it was confirmed. I showed up at his house and he showed me the damage to his basement from the broken line. It's basically complete…but we'll have a fun time remodeling it. I guess. Odd thing was…he was watching AMC and the movie that was one…was "Magic" with Anthony Hopkins, the same movie that was on the last time I was over there in the morning a few months ago. Weird, right? It gets a little weirder.

We drove to the ticket office…and as we were walking to it, a guy asked my dad & me, "Do you guys know where the ticket office is?" "Yeah man, it's just up around the corner here." "For the ice skating show?" "I ugh…assume for all tickets." The guy speedwalks ahead of us and my dad turns to me, "Did that guy just ask us if we're here for the ice skating show?" "I guess he did. Do you think we give off that vibe…that we'd be here for tickets to Disney on Ice or something? Does this beefskin jacket make me look like Brian Boitano?" So yeah, apparently there was a line for Disney on Ice tickets that go on sale today…but we were here for Blaze tickets….good ones too. We walked up to the cashier and told her what we were looking for…and the best seats they had were on the 24th row. "These things just went on sale today, right?" "Well, they started on Saturday…but there wasn't a whole lot of people here. Most of these sections closer are reserved for season ticket holders." My dad was a little peeved…but I calmed him down. "Do these seats open up if they don't get season ticket holders?" "Yeah." "When does that happen?" "It's hard to tell. Usually a few weeks before the first game…so about a month from now…maybe." "Your confidence fills me with hope…but is there a way to get a specific day…because we want good tickets." She went and got her manager…and he basically said the same thing. Long story short, we got two tickets to two games, March 29th against the Georgia Force and May 10th against the Colorado Crush. Good times…and hopefully some better seats will open up.

Then I went home for an hour. Do you want to know what I like about Utah's weather? If you don't like it now…wait two hours, it'll change. Last night, for my drive home from work, it was a monsoon with strong rain & winds…in January, in the powder capital of the world. When I walked in my front door, it was a clear beautiful day with a strong breeze…but an hour later, there's three inches of snow on the ground and my car…and it's a blizzard…all the way to work…and will probably be for another hour or so…then it'll probably be a beautiful, shiny day again…or fire balls will fall from the sky…and then the Rapture will be upon us. Utah weather rules!!!

So yesterday, as I walked to my car to go to work, I noticed there was a note on my windshield. It read "Please don't park in my parking spot." My immediate thought: "Holy sh*t! It's finally happened. I have two distinct personalities completely independent of the other. My schizophrenia is complete. What the hell am I gonna do now?" Then I realized that it was in wonderful cursive penmanship…so it was obviously written by a woman. Just for a little background, when I got my apartment, I spoke with my landlord Dale and he said that I could park where I do for a second parking spot…because it's not covered…and it doesn't interfere with anyone. Sweet, where do I sign? However, there's a covered parking spot to the left of where I park and the lady that uses it used to give me a hard time about parking too close to her (within 10 feet) because apparently she's an idiot. I spoke with her once about it, explained the situation, and that was it. I think it's the same lady that I spoke with over a year ago that parks there…but honestly all I remember is a red car…because my neighbors tend to move away for one reason or another after 2-3 months. I wonder if it's her that wrote the letter…but frankly, I don't care. I think I'm just going to write on the back of the note: "I didn't write this, so you must be confused. Please stop by Apartment 69 & we'll discuss this" and place it back in my wiper.

Honestly though, I was planning on calling my landlord Dale tomorrow anyway for a multitude of reasons. Now, Dale's a good guy. He's funny, handy, and just a great guy. His business card reads such wonderful occupations as "Entrepreneur, Professional Model-Actor, Dealer of Antiquities, Professional Egotist, Student in Mysteries of Life, Eclectic Collector, Eccentric Story Teller, and Learned World Traveler" among others. However, he's also in his sixties, mostly deaf, a little on the senile side, lives an hour away, and my apartment is pretty outdated…but habitable and at a great price…and good location for me. I'm thinking the conversation is going to go something like this…

Dale: Hello?
$teve: Hey Dale, it's $teve in Apartment 69. I ugh…was wondering if and when you were going to get to the little things that I discussed with you about my apartment last month.
Dale: Oh I don't know. Refresh my memory on what that was again…
$teve: Well, new business is the faucet on my shower runs hot water and I can't get it to stop. It started as a trickle a few weeks ago…but it's getting progressively worse. The downstairs toilet is still on the Fritz so I don't dare leave solid waste in there. There's also that leak in the pipe from the upstairs toilet that's trickling onto the ceiling of the downstairs…you know, the one you tried to tell me was from the shower…like it mattered? Yeah, I think I have evidence that it is not. Oh…and there's still that giant crack in the ceiling that you haven't fixed in the two years that I've lived here. (Silence) Are you still there? Do you need me to write this down or send you an email or anything?
Dale: Yeah, I'm here. I remember the toilet. Maybe I ugh…do you work today or tomorrow?
$teve: Yes'r. I'll be here before noon each day. I'd be happy to show you what I need done. Oh…and some lady's saying that I'm parked in her spot. Any idea who that is?
Dale: I'll ask around. Cool, I'll see ya tomorrow morning then…and I'll bring the tool kit.
$teve: Sounds like a plan. See ya then. Thanks Dale.

Obviously I'm a pretty easy going guy to have stuff like that going on in my apartment…but I just know that it means my landlord will be in my apartment while I'm gone and tearing up my place…and take God knows how long to do it. Oh well, it has to be done. I'll just have to make sure that he's not using my cable or eating my Doritos or whatever I'm scared of while I'm at work. Not that I think he would…but I'm just not sure how I'd react. "Those had better be your Doritos, old man." "Shower & toilet're fixed. I'm waiting on a part for the pipe…but I'm thinking that I'll wait for spring to fix the ceiling if you don't mind." "What I mind is that you're enjoying my Blazin' Buffalo chips without asking. (Sniff some aroma) You been in my Crown Royal too? That's it. Outcha go." Sorry, I tend to ramble for no reason. Now for some real news flashes...

The Real Reason to Watch the Super Bowl - No, I'm not talking about football. I'm talking about Marketing, an area that I have a little bit of expertise…and a college degree. Any ideas on how much it costs for a 30-second spot during the Super Bowl? What if I were to give you clues like it'll reach something like 90 million people, possibly more because it involves the historic event of an undefeated team this year? A million dollars? Not even close. How about the fact that a writer's strike is putting pressure on because it's harder to reach a larger audience because very popular shows are on hiatus? Two million dollars? Getting warmer…but it's about $2.7 MILLION dollars…or $90,000 per SECOND. Make a memorable commercial though…and it can really help your company launch into the stratosphere. Everybody knows that beer commercials are historically the best…and occasionally good car commercials or stuff like that. I'm obviously intrigued by the Victoria's Secret spot…but honestly, does Victoria's Secret really need advertising? I assume that I'm like most guys and have the lineup of Brazilian superhotties always running in the subconscious background of every thought or action. I'm not complaining about the commercials. Please don't get it twisted…but ladies, those commercials are aimed at you. Guys are simple. We go where we know…and that's Victoria's Secret. Their only competition is the adult shop with the neon signs and the shifty-eyed cashier. We don't go to Wal-Mart for stuff like that. Anyway, I love to watch the Super Bowl…even if I don't care about the final score (Eagles are only there once in a generation) because the commercials are always ready to go…and the best of the year. No, I'm not mentioning this tidbit because I want a kickback from the NFL or Victoria's Secret…but it'd be nice. Come on Vicky…just a coupon or something. I won't tell nobody. It'll be OUR little secret.

Eyes on the Prize - Speaking of Brazilian superhotties, the woman that's flipping you off in the picture is 36-year old model Angela Bismarchi who will be dancing in very revealing clothing in front of a 300-piece drum corps in next month's Carnival celebration in Rio de Janeiro. She's hoping that her sculpted beauty will help as the "percussion queen" to get her samba squad to the championship…or the Samba Bowl, as I assume it's called. Oh…and by sculpted beauty, she has had 42 plastic surgeries…and is well on her way to breaking the Guinness World Record of 47 surgeries held by 52-year old American Cindy Jackson. Just before the parade, she is having nylon wires implanted in her eyes to give them an Asian slant…because the theme of her samba group is Porto de Pedra, the centennial of the Japanese immigration to Brazil. Though I appreciate the dedication and the passion to the performance, it's amazing that she would do something like this…every few weeks. "I was always vain and for carnival you have to feel especially pretty." Luckily, her husband is her plastic surgeon…so that's convenient. Ladies, surgery isn't the answer. The best thing to do is find somebody who makes you feel great for the wonderful person you are…without having to become some plastic doll without a soul. I'm not a doctor…but this woman may be certifiably crazy. Oh wait…I am a doctor…and in my professional opinion, she could use some help. Unless of course there's something lost in translation. Apparently there's cultural differences too…but it just can't be that healthy. Anyway, beauty comes from the inside-out y'all. Anybody who can't see that doesn't deserve you.

Cold Blooded - Sorry, I'm still stuck on the Victoria's Secret commercial…so I'm gonna take a cold shower like this guy. Wim Hof (pictured left) stood on a Manhattan street in a clear container full of ice for 72 minutes. Hof said he survives by controlling his body temperature through tantric meditation. Tantra is an Eastern tradition of ritual and meditation said to bring followers closer to their chosen deities…and of course was made famous by Sting saying that he could have orgasms for hours at a time (and why I haven't heard much about him making music since then). Apparently, Mr. Hof took it the exact opposite way by deciding to have blue balls for hours. Truly different ends of the spectrum…but examples of dedication nonetheless. I have a meditation room that I've used sporadically. The only problem is that all that inner reflection gets really boring…because I know what I like and what I desire. I'm tired of listening to myself…especially when other people are so interesting. Sure, that whole Tantric Sex thing sounds like it'd be awesome…but I don't trust that Sting guy. Sting isn't even his real name, it's Gordon Matthew Thomas Sumner…and I think he was a wrestler if I remember right. He was also with the police at one time…and you can't trust those guys. He also told me "Let your soul be your pilot" and that led to a pretty severe accident. Yeah, just couldn't trust him after that little incident.

Politician Takes On Airline Food - Vermont state Representative Jason Lorber does standup routines, produces comedy shows, and run improv workshops when he's not voting on laws. It's an odd combination…but not completely different if you think about it. For what are politicians if not performers? He grew up in California, is a member of a civil union, is a homosexual, and has a one-year old son. Not exactly sure how that last one happened given the other information…but I'm sure there's a well-played anecdote about it. For those of you who didn't know me a few years ago, I once considered moving to Vermont…briefly (it involved a beautiful, sweet girl and a fresh start) but ultimately did not…obviously. Vermont did seem like a great place though. Granted, I haven't been there (yet) but based on research, it's kind of like a state of hippies with a number of college towns, including it's capital Montpelier. Other things going for it: It's in the mountains, they LOVE pancakes and anything with maple syrup involved, Ben & Jerry's is based there, and some of the best culinary schools in America. A tall, sweet Flatlander (non-Vermont native) like myself could make a nice little home there…get a marketing job with Ben & Jerry, hang out with the hotties learning to cook French pastries, possibly go into politics (complete with show on VH1 and a spin-off or two), but alas, I chose and choose to stay in Utah. I don't know what I'd do without my family & friends. Also there are no comedy clubs in the entire state of Vermont…and I don't recall hearing of anybody ever playing basketball within the state limits.

Don't Drop the Soap - There are a lot of advantages to having parents in the public eye. Usually it goes with being financially stable, attending some of the best schools, popularity among your peers, and the backing of many others when you have a crazy idea that just might be brilliant in the most horrible of ways. Twenty-three year old John Sebelius is a student at the Rhode Island School of Design in Providence (next to Brown University…because I've seen it first-hand). For a class project, he designed a board game titled "Don't Drop the Soap" where the object of the game is to "Fight your way through six different exciting locations in hopes of being granted parole. Escape prison riots in the Yard, slip glass into a mob boss' lasagna in the Cafeteria, steal painkillers from the nurse's desk in the Infirmary" obviously it's intended for a mature audience. Oh yeah…and his mother is Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebelius and father is U.S. Magistrate Judge Gary Sebelius…so he gets a little extra publicity that way. I mean…do you think I would have stumbled upon this information if that weren't the case? Of course not. One major problem though, the contact information on his website lists the address of the governor's mansion. It just goes to show that a mother's love is truly limitless…when you can sell an R-rated board game from your mom's house…while she's the only person in the state that can veto an execution.

Before I left my dad's today, we turned on the TV and one of my favorite old movies was on AMC now, "The Day The Earth Stood Still" (1951) starring Michael Rennie and Patricia Neal. For those of you who have never seen this movie, it's about an alien Klaatu coming down with a message to deliver to all of Earth's leaders…and basically it's "Stop fighting and be peaceful…or we're going to destroy you." The ultimate message of peace through Intergalactic Deterrence. Anyway, you should definitely check it out. It's a great flick…and odd…because I just found out that they're remaking it last night thanks to the Mad Scientist and Dark Horizons…but more on that in Future Watch…

Alien Visitor Movies - P.S. I left Transformers out on purpose.

Medal Winners

Gold - Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977) - A fellow Steve (Spielberg) wrote and directed this movie about a man (Richard Dreyfuss) who makes contact with a UFO and receives a message from alien visitors…and he makes mashed potato mountains…so his family thinks that he's crazy. Is he crazy? Does this really mean something? Only time will tell…and basically he's too amazed by the spaceship to say "I told ya so." Teri Garr & Lance Henriksen also star in this masterpiece.

Silver - Independence Day (1996) - I remember celebrating my first day of paid work…by going and seeing this movie about aliens who just want to blow us up. Starring the Fresh Prince, President Lone Star, Dr. Ian Malcolm, Vivica Fox, and a jazz musician among a cast of thousands. It's a great flick. In fact, I'm willing to wager that every last one of you has seen this movie at least once in your lifetime.

Bronze - E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982) - Spielberg strikes again with the story of an apparently supersmart extra-terrestrial who befriends a little boy named Elliott…and the government finding out. One of my favorite movies as a kid…though even then I was kind of dumbfounded by a few things. Like…if they're technology is so super advanced that they can fly between the cosmos…and make in intergalactic cell phone out of a children toy…oh and apparently some kind of telepathic powers...then why don't they walk around Earth in giant exosuits or at least something with wheels since all they can do is waddle like a penguin? It's just really weird to think that this alien is really brilliant and he doesn't protect himself going to a hostile, foreign environment…and that's the only hope that the government had. If he had his Betablaster strapped on his side, he'd gone out blazing like Billy the Kid.

Suggestion - Starman (1984) - This is my mom's favorite movie of all time…so I've seen it a number of times…and had no idea that it was directed by John Carpenter until I looked it up just now. Basically, it's a chick flick romantic tale of an alien (the Big Lebowski himself, Jeff Bridges) who lands in Wisconsin taking the form of a widow (Karen Allen)'s husband. He then asks her to drive him to Arizona…with the government trying to stop them along the way. It's actually a pretty good movie. When else can you have a chick flick involving aliens? Check it out. I also love "Mars Attacks!" (1996) simply because it has Jack Nicholson as President. I'll also mention "Coneheads" (1993) since I didn't during my SNL list. Check 'em all out. The Truth is out there.

Flush It - Species (1995-2007) - Now, I'll admit that I've watched the first Species…probably too many times…but it's not my fault that Natasha Henstridge is hot. She get it from her mama. "Aliens sent us this transmission…with a cure for cancer…and also instructions on how to fuse their DNA with ours. Which do you think we should do first?" Several weeks later, it's a fully developed super hottie killing machine…so they send Michael Madsen, Alfred Molina, Forest Whitaker, and Sir Ben Kingsley out to get her. I actually really liked the first one…for primal reasons…but they're up to four now…and there's not even Natasha Henstridge anymore…so it's basically sci-fi soft-score porn. Okay if separated…but I just don't feel it all together. Carl Sagan's "Contact" (1997) seemed entirely too long and drawn out…and the alien turned out to be her father. I feel with Mr. Garrison on this one.

Future Watch - The Day The Earth Stood Still (December 12th, 2008?) - Okay, so I was overjoyed when I heard that they were remaking this classic…because I like the first one so much. Moreso when I found out that John Cleese ("Monty Python") will play Dr. Barnhardt and Jennifer Connelly will play Helen, the lady who helps the alien Klaatu. However, it all came to a standstill when I found out that Keanu Reeves will be playing Klaatu. So when I was watching the movie, I just imagined Ted "Theodore" Logan being the messenger of Earth's doom. What made it even easier was the commercials on AMC for "The Matrix" which is on tonight…possibly as a tie-in for this movie remake (gotta love marketing). Kathy Bates is also in this movie apparently…and the director Scott Derrickson has such credits as "The Exorcism of Emily Rose" so it should be pretty good. We shall see.

Well, I guess that'll do it for today. Now that you're caught up on current events. Oh yeah, if you're wondering why I don't talk about stuff like conflict in the Middle East and droves of people being chopped down by machete in Kenya…it's because I use this as my escape from that stuff. It's truly tragic. There's no doubt about it…but I'm not about spreading that tragedy. I'm here to put a smile on your face…and maybe make you think a little bit…but there's no pressure to do anything you don't want to do. Besides, I think about gorgeous women about a thousand times more than I think about that stuff…so it's only fitting that they get top billing. Stay classy, Slick City…and all the wonderful people that check in across the globe. Good night…and God bless.