The Next Step

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday was an interesting day at work. Well, not really. I get frustrated about certain aspects of my job...and the only thing that can save me is my Mute Button when talking to people on the phone. Don't get me wrong, I like my job...and I do it tremendously. However, there are a few things that I don't like to do...and among those is repeat myself...a lot...and have to adjust to usual speech patterns to something that sounds retarded just so that you understand me Ms. Duluth Georgia. "Could you spell that for me?" Then they continue to use the four sounds that apparently in her deck of the woods constitute 26 separate letters in the English alphabet. "Ee, ugh, ee, ee, ah, ee, (slurp), ep." "I'm sorry...ugh, could you use it in a sentence? Definition? Country of origin?" So after ten busy hours of that...I wasn't in the best mood. So yeah, I like my job...but I wanna take the next step...in a new place like Vegas (even though it feels like Sisyphus pushing that boulder up the hill). Why take the next step? I've found from experience that just because you're a great f**k doesn't mean that you have to remain a porn star. Sometimes you wanna direct, produce, get the money as well as the honey, the next step.

Sometimes you just lose that feeling that you used to get by doing a fantastic job & being adequately rewarded. Sometimes you just need to try something new to keep your creative side satisfied. Sometimes you feel like the only reason you haven't moved on already is because you're quite talented at entertaining yourself & others with your delusionally optimisitic views...and you're just too damn lazy and/or afraid to make the move. Sometimes the money that you make is "good enough" for the work that you do. Slowly but surely, time goes by...and though you have many wonderful adventures along the way, you look back, and have to question decisions made along the way. Sometimes you sit at home some mornings and watch Samantha Brown travel through Latin America, Europe, Asia, and a bunch of other places that you haven't been (even a few that you spent a day at) and think "Why don't I have my own show on the Travel Channel?" I don't wanna be satisfied right now. I don't wanna be complacent. I want to have the Passion that I used to have when doing my job & not feel like I'm wasting my time for a fistful of dolla dolla bills y'all (Though when moved from fists to a pocket or bank account is nice to have around).

I want to try new things, see the world, make a few bucks along the way, spread the Love, do stuff that when I blog about it won't bore you to tears like my incessent bitching, and if it's not asking too much...maybe have a gorgeous nympho waiting for me when I get home. High goals? Well, when you shoot for the stars, sometimes you get the Moon. I believe it was the Taoist philosopher Lao Tzu (pictured riding a mechanical bull) who said, "Love is of all Passions the strongest, for it attacks the head, the heart, and the senses (and the groin)." By the way, is he related to "Art of War" author Sun Tzu? Maybe I'm just suffering from Love deprivation...and it's effecting my outlook of work. Maybe I'm just frustrated in oh so many ways so everything's getting to me (my God, it has been over a year). Oh well, at least Karma comes back around...and I do have great friends & family to keep my spirits up. For example, in the heart of my trying day at work yesterday, here's what happened...

As mentioned yesterday, we had visitors at work and they were giving away the fabulous prize of a $75 Gas Card (a little over a tank for Brandy or Baby) for filling out a quiz about their company. Took like two minutes to do, so I did it. About an hour later, I'm doing my job...and while maintaining a professional voice, am getting frustrated with a customer who doesn't understand that Georgia is a big state, not a city, so I need to know where within Georgia they were curious about...so when they weren't comprehending this, I used my Mute button and express my opinion of this person using a somewhat vulgar tone & language. I then notice a shadow over me...and there were a total of EIGHT managers (including the three visitors) standing behind me. Luckily, they were laughing a bit...because I'm charming...and they heard me continue to explain to the customer the geography behind my query. When that call was over, I apologized for the language...and they presented me with the Gas Card. YAY!!! I'm not fired...and I have a tank of gas in my hand. YAY!!!

After that, Brooklyn was working late with me...and had a brilliant suggestion to go to Green Street and have a few drinks after work and play Buzztime Trivia. So I stuck around work (though I wasn't getting paid) to hang with her for an hour & keep the late night crew entertained as usual...then we headed to the bar, had a few Red Stripes (special for $2 a bottle), I lost my ass in trivia (no movie or sports questions, mostly literature & obscure history), and then headed home. Good times. Gonna have to do that again sometime. See? Though I may feel a little bummed sometimes, I know that I have great people to cheer me up...and Karma comes back around, so I just have to keep up the positive thoughts...and then through the power of the Cosmos, my nympho will present herself...or you know, whatever Karma decides to give me...though if Karma's interested, I could make a list or something to help out. Anyway, here's some news...

Soccer Strikes Again - Spain's success at Euro 2008 hurt attendance at an erotic film festival which wrapped up Saturday in Madrid as its target audience (horny men a.k.a. men) were glued to their television screens to watch the national soccer team. About 15,000 people flocked to the three-day International Erotic Film Festival of Barcelona (FICEB), staged for the first time in the Spanish capital this year since it started being held in 1992 (remember those Olympics? The Real Dream Team?). Over 60 firms were represented at this year's edition of the film festival which featured live sex shows and an awards ceremony for different categories of pornographic films. Previous editions of the event, which features performances by buxom strippers and appearances by top porn stars, have drawn over 50,000 people. FICEB director Juli Simon blamed the lower-than-expected turnout on the fact that the festival's opening day coincided with Spain's 3-0 Euro 2008 semi-final win over Russia which drew a record Spanish television audience of 17 million. "Football is one of the few things that can compete with sex." Really? I mean...don't get me wrong, I love basketball...but given the chance to see the Spurs play even the 1972 Lakers...and get cockteased by Spanish-speaking porn stars, you can bet that 10 times out of 10 that I'm going to FICEB and offer some "mosca espanaya" if that's how you say Spanish fly in Spanish. Silly me took German in high school for some reason. As mentioned during my travels in Barcelona, Spanish is just sexy. For example, I watched "Pan's Labyrinth" in theatres last year & apparently I misunderstood a few things about the movie beforehand. "What the...it's in Spanish? Oh man, now I have to read subtitles. Holy Christ!!! Did that dude's throat just get sliced open? What the hell kind of kid's show is this? Oh my, now the mother is having a miscarriage or something & writhing in pain...moaning in Spanish...uh-oh. Why am I getting aroused by this? There's blood...and she's obviously in pain...but it's...just so sexy. This is gonna be really awkward when David Bowie & those Muppets finally show up in the movie."

Sexbot Update - Soft and squishy chemical robots will one day squeeze through tight spots then expand to 10 times larger, offering an advantage over rigid robots. Once a mission is complete, a chembot would biodegrade. The chembots could get into a building through a crack, for example. They could explore a cave or crevice and dismantle an explosive...or they might climb ropes, wires or trees. Another tiny idea: One chembot could pack a smaller chembot into a situation, then release it for even more minute explorations. Researchers at Tufts University in Medford, MA have received a $3.3 million contract from the U.S. Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) to build the soft automatons. ChemBots represent "the convergence of soft materials chemistry and robotics. It is an entirely new way of looking at robots and could someday yield great technological advantage for our armed forces," said Mitchell Zakin, who oversees the program for DARPA. You may be asking, "$teve, how does this constitute a Sexbot Update?" Well, according to this information, there may be inflatable sexbots (or sexbot parts) that can squish into tiny crevasses, nooks, and crannies...then expand...and eventually disintegrate. I don't want to go into incredible detail on this PG-13 blog...but sounds like a little something for the ladies may be on the way...or at the very least, the ability to collapse and conceal your sexbot into a small area of your home. We shall see in the future...for as the Amazing Criswell once said, "We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives. And remember, my friends, future events such as these will affect you in the future."

Anyway, that'll do it for me today. Meetings at work today...then I have Thursday off, which is awesome...because then I work late on Friday & Saturday to celebrate the holidays. It should be fun though. I'm sure that I'll make due. Have a great day everybody...and if I don't see you by then, have a great 4th of July weekend!!! YAY AMERICA!!!

Sweet Sweet Delusion

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Do you ever have that feeling that some things just happen for a reason? Like...no matter what happens, it's going to be okay, because as long as you lead a good life, live to make others happy as well as yourself, and love those around you, things will work itself out. I feel that way all the time...mostly because I'm somewhat delusional...but I just have faith in what I can control and everything else will just do what it do. It keeps my stress levels low...almost dangerously low. It also helps me to realize that sometimes all you need is a little patience, peace & quiet, and a good friend or family member to call to cheer you up...and you can do just about anything. It's a service that I'm more than happy to provide & utilize given the situation presented to me. If any of you are ever feeling down, just call up $teve and he's more than happy to help out. Hell, if he's within driving distance, Dr. Love may make a house call. Free of charge.

For example, last night I got a call from my buddy Bubbles...and she was feeling really lonely. I tried my best to console her & keep her positive...but sometimes you just have to sit back, listen, and let them vent. Unfortunately, it got to the point of Bubbles crying...and because women crying is my kryptonite, I was kind of in a gloomy Gus mood. I worry about her. She's my buddy...and so far away. You know how it is. So I basically made her promise to relax, get some sleep, call me in the morning so I had something to look forward to, and know that no matter what happens I'm gonna be her friend. That seemed to work. Hopefully it did.

So there I was...in a gloomy mood despite watching the Celtics win the championship & see other legendary athletes like Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen, Paul Pierce, & Doc Rivers cry like whipped puppies too. Then I flip it to the other channel I was watching...and it's "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" which makes me think of Bubbles...because we watched it once and she reminds me of Angelina (you've seen the pictures). Then I figure that I'll check my email or something before the late night cartoon lineup starts (exciting life that I lead) and I'm greeted with this picture from JL Clyde...

Awesome, right? Well, now for the best thing to sum it all up. I then immediately got a call from my sister-in-law...telling me about their latest trip to Wal-Mart. They were in the toy aisle...and all of a sudden she hears my niece Kairi behind her yell out "$TEVE!!!" She turned around...and saw Kairi sitting on the floor with a mini-RoboPanda trying to tear it out of the box...then she looked up at her mom, lifted the box, and kept saying "$TEVE!!! $TEVE!!! $TEVE!!!" So grandpa was there...and bought it for her. Tell me that's not the cutest thing you've heard all day. You see? I was there for my friend in her time of need...it made me feel a little down...but then I saw grown men crying with me, showing that it was okay to have some emotions. Then I caught one of the best parts of one of my favorite movies of all time (it was the husband-wife shoot-out that ends in fiery, violent, passionate coitus). Then a cheerful picture from a friend pointing out my natural tendencies to look directly at the best of everything...and then topped off with an incredibly cute story showing the kind of impact I have on a lovely little niece of mine. Karma comes back around. That's why I'm somewhat delusional...and I can only hope that some of you out there share my condition. It's great. Ignorance truly is bliss. Now for today's news...

Today's news is dedicated to…well, there's kind of a theme to it I think. Some days you just look at your situation…and I think everybody would like to have that special someone waiting for you when you get home asking you how your day was…or a friend you can BS with to get through the day…or a family member always quick to tell you how much they love you…or at least a great booty call…and this newsreel is pretty much dedicated to that idea. Enjoy. Preferably with others.

Monkey Hugs - Who doesn't like hugs & kisses? Consensual, of course (shout out to my brothers in Cell Block 4). For most folks, a nice hug and some sympathy can help a bit after we get pushed around. Turns out, chimpanzees use hugs and kisses the same way. And it works. Researchers studying people's closest genetic relatives found that stress was reduced in chimps that were victims of aggression if a third chimp stepped in to offer consolation. Dr. Orlaith Fraser says, "Consolation usually took the form of a kiss or embrace. This is particularly interesting because this behavior is rarely seen other than after a conflict. If a kiss was used, the consoler would press his or her open mouth against the recipient's body, usually on the top of the head or their back. An embrace consisted of the consoler wrapping one or both arms around the recipient." Further research may lead to the pure primal instincts behind Pity Sex…since there appears to be a correlation. Wait, actually I've just been informed that is not the reason for further research. Perhaps it'll just be an incidental discovery…like Post-Its and penicillin.

Sexbot Update - The Japanese firm Sega Toys has produced a 38 cm (15 inch) tall robotic girlfriend that kisses on command, to go on sale in September for around $175, with a target market of lonely adult men. Using her infrared sensors and battery power, the diminutive damsel named "EMA" (Eternal Maiden Actualization) puckers up for nearby human heads, entering what designers call its "Love mode." She can also sing, dance, hand out business cards, and entertain party guests apparently. Spokeswoman Minako Sakanoue (who may soon be out of a job) says, "Strong, tough and battle-ready are some of the words often associated with robots, but we wanted to break that stereotype and provide a robot that's sweet and interactive." We all know where this is going. They're just testing the interacting, compassionate, heat-seeking software for the larger models. I must admit, I'm fairly impressed with the sleek, aerodynamic design…and I'm assuming the batteries are located in her chest (Hotchuma hotchuma). Sega hopes to sell 10,000 in the first year…and they'll probably get that easily (millions of lonely people out there) but at least they're trying to make sexbots appear personal & sympathetic…because after a hard day at work, don't we all just want a little heat-seeking hottie to hug & kiss us and make it all better? Don't look at me like that. I'm not going to buy one. My RoboPanda has completely creeped me out. I'll wait until all the kinks have been worked out…and perhaps date in the meantime. You never know. Stranger things have happened.

Soccer is STILL Boring - Even during Euro 2008, it seems nothing can make soccer (futbol) interesting to me. Sure, it's nice to go to a bar and watch drunken people with funny accents argue about why Scots are better than Portuguese during the hours between goals…but in that instance, I'm interested in the people, not the game. However, there was a mildly interesting idea presented last week when a match organized by a chatroom website features a topless women's soccer team from Germany played a similarly clad team from Austria. The six-a-side teams wore nothing but thongs, with the national colors painted on to their bare skin. The football may not have been of the highest quality but that did not temper the enthusiasm of a mostly male crowd boosted by a sizeable media presence only too happy to desert Euro 2008 training for an hour or two. Austria won 10-5 but the real purpose was to help motivate their male counterparts in Euro 2008. Doris Fastenmeir said, "I hope our men will take heart from that tomorrow. We played pretty hard, we even had some injuries, like I for example broke my toe nail." The Germans took defeat sportingly and joined their opponents for alcopops and dancing at a beach club alongside the Danube. However, the quote of the day goes to German goaltender Jana Bach who said, "I was supposed to hold the balls but I really have no idea how to do that. Maybe it is because I am not all that much into soccer. I am more into shoes to be honest." Don't be coy. You know how to handle those balls. Be proud.

Utah Bikini Ban Lifted - In the city of Kanab (southern Utah), a ban on bikini swimwear is being lifted…and called an oversight for a new public pool called the Cowboy Water'n Hole, opening July 4th. City Councilwoman Nina Laycook said, "My recommendation is going to be no thongs or string bikinis. We were so engrossed with safety and health issues we overlooked the wording. We are addressing that now by amending the policy." The restrictions were not popular, even in the conservative community where the council passed a resolution in 2006 to favor the "natural family" consisting of a working husband, a stay-at-home wife and a "full quiver of children." Is that what a natural family is? I consider my family pretty natural. My mom WISHES she could have stayed at home. Exactly how many children are in a quiver? Are they arrows now? Projectiles to be fired upon neighbor's dogs? My parents were one of seventeen children…and one of eight children…so they decided to have two. Their choice…and apparently a wise one since I have a lot of stepsiblings now. Anyway, congrats on catching this oversight. Now do you see why moving to Vegas may be a really good move for me. I want a little more craziness, excitement, and perfectly tanned & oiled skin walking around the pool…and streets. Turning the temperature up about twenty degrees outta do that nicely.

Anyway, that oughta do it for me today. I've already rambled on long enough. Tonight's a work outing party with some of my favorite people in all the world like JL Clyde, the Mad Scientist, Lilie, Captain Monty, Camb, Cat, Mickey, and a few Boss Ladies. It should be fun. I may get pictures. Also, for anybody interested, Alisa's husband's band Slow Ride is going to the Huka Lounge in Murray Thursday night...and I plan on going & having a good time. I'm told they do "white guy reggae" music, so you can't go wrong. Throw back a few Red Stripes and sing along. Hooray beer!!! Have a great day everybody!!!

Adventures in Babysitting 2 - Sit Harder

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night was an average day at work...and then I thought I'd do a good deed and drop a coworker off at her house, so I got back to my house just before 1 AM...to find that my mom had volunteered my bed to my 11-year old cousin Alicia (already larger than my date the other night). Splendid. Again, I would look like the dick if I were to kick her out...so I just slept awkwardly. Too damn nice.

I woke up this morning around 6:30 AM when a crying woman called me. It took me a minute to realize who it was...Bubbles' mom. As you know, I like her mom and just think that she's bat crackers crazy...so I went and picked her up. She wanted me to take her to a shelter so that she can start to get her life in order...and how can you say no to that? So I spent my morning talking to her, reassuring her, driving her across town, and walking around the seedy parts of downtown trying to get her set up. Again, too damn nice...but I know that she, Bubbles, and their whole family appreciate it. I really hope that she figures it all out. Feel free to say a little prayer for her. I'd appreciate it greatly.

After that, I returned home to find my mom & Alicia waking up...and of course my cousin wants to play "Rock Band" because it's awesome. The only thing is...she only knows three of the songs on the entire game...so that's all she played...for about three hours. Luckily, I took a nap for the last half (either that or passed out from holding back my anger about being put in the situation of babysitting all day). When I awoke, my mom wanted to go to the hospital (and probably escape my cousin) so I took her (after she got me some breakfast...because I'm cheap, but I'm not free) and then I was faced with the task of trying to find out what to do with an 11-year old. "What do you want to do?" "I don't know." "Okay...so nothing? It's a beautiful day. It'd be a shame to waste it...but if that's what you want." "Well, I did want to see Indiana Jones...but I haven't seen the first ones." "Well then, how about we head back to my place and watch them?" "OKAY!!!" Awesome, having the originals just saved me $30 that I probably would have slept through anyway.

We got back to my place...and somebody is apparently borrowing my Indy collection. Dammit!!! "Well, sorry but I have lots of other movies if you wanted to see any of them..." "Do you have the Simpsons?" "Only ten seasons and a movie. Do you think that'll be enough?" "I don't know." "Sarcasm, Alicia. Google it." She's kind of a sheltered girl...but still alright because she likes the Simpsons. So we watched season three for about two hours, laughing all the way...then she played "Simpsons: Road Rage" and a merry time was had by all...because I typed this entry.

JL Clyde sent me a text earlier today suggesting that I speak with a corporation to get them to sponsor my blog...so that I can make a few bucks on the side for this rambling stuff. She suggested Hooters...and I like her choice...a lot. Who knows? If I don't get that Vegas job soon, I may just have to put in an application at the Hooters Hotel & Casino near the Strip. They do have comedian Bobby Slayton & the Rack Pack...but hopefully that won't be the case. They probably pay their employees in hot wings & hula hoops anyway. It might be worth looking into though. Who else would be a fitting sponsor for my blog?

Victoria's Secret (Adriana)?

World Wildlife Fund (Pandas)?

Popular Mechanics (Sexbots)?

The Travel Channel? As much as we both talk about Vegas, I'm surprised that they haven't called me up yet. Anyway, I'd like to hear your suggestions & ideas. Let me know what you think.

In the meantime, I'll be entertaining my cousin...and probably get con'd into doing something else for my mom...because nobody else will. Thank you all again for being so awesome...and I promise, as soon as I hear about the Vegas job, I'll let you know. Oh...and my blood donation was moved to tomorrow because babysitting a pint low could be dangerous for both of us...especially her...and my blood pressure. Have a great day everybody!!!

Happy Birthday Hef!!!

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

A very special birthday wish to the father of modern day pornography and the ultimate Playboy, Mr. Hugh Marston Hefner, who turns 82 this day. What can I really say about this man? He's a Legend. A Pioneer. An Entrepreneur. An Artist. A Bazillionairre. He just seems like a cool cat. I don't believe that there's a man or woman out there who hasn't dreamed of going to a party at the Playboy Mansion...and maybe take a dip in the legendary grotto. Anybody? The man is walking charisma...and as you know, I admire that. He's also a brilliant mind, even well into his eighties...and I can only hope to be in the same ballpark as this guy in luck with the ladies. Honestly, I believe it's his mystical robe...and the magic held within. Perhaps I should walk around in a robe more. That may be the key...and I'll be damned if it's not absolutely comfortable. Anyway, enough about me. Happy Birthday Hef!!! May you live to be a thousand years old...and still be surrounded by blondes.

Spent the morning jogging and watching "Evening with Kevin Smith 2: Evening Harder" and it was as hilarious as the original. Nothing really more to say about it then that. Watch it. You'll laugh. You'll learn a few curse words maybe. You may even question your sanity…but you'll laugh…and that's what's important. Then I came to work. I'm starting to really dislike my job. It's not because of the people I work with or anything…but I'm just starting to dislike it more & more each day. I'm not sure what it is…well, I have an idea or two…but I really think that if the right opportunity presents itself, I'm pretty much gone. Also may have found the dates that I'm going to try to go to Vegas with my daddy…and it's about a month away. I just checked with him and obviously he's optimistic that he'll be up & mobile by that time. Other than that, I really don't have much else to say tonight…other than you guys rock for reading this gibberish. Now let's get some news in here real quick...

It Always Gets You in the End - When a police officer went to a home in Ridgefield, WA answering a complaint about a neighbor's cat. The man complaining reeked of marijuana. So they returned with a drug task force after getting a warrant and found 84 plants in a raid on the man's home. There a few lessons to be learned here. First, don’t call the cops over when you're supplying the Grunge scene. Second, don't call the cops about the neighbor's cat. Do your own dirty work. Third, choose your battles wisely. Fourth, it's a tale told time and time again…from "Scarface" to "Casino" to "Sopranos" to "Blow" to "Bugsy" and so on…if you're dealing with drugs, pussy will get you in the end.

Better Than Wild Dogs - Postal workers near the Owen Conservation Park in Wisconsin have reported being attacked by wild turkeys during their rounds. Up to 10 of the birds have been pecking at the postal workers and some have attacked the letter carriers with the sharp spurs on their legs. One of the birds went through the open door of a mail truck and scratched the driver. Why? They believe it's tied to their breeding season…and the turkeys may be attracted to the red, white, & blue uniforms or something. How have they responded? By arming the carriers with water pistols…but the turkeys have adapted…like some kind of tasty, gobbling Borg…and some are now arming themselves with sticks. They speculate that the birds may not be afraid of humans because people in the area feed them…but there's an easy solution…and it involves feeding them to the people…barbecue style. See PETA? If they had the technology, they'd eat you too. Checkmate.

New Sport: Hedgehog Hurling - There have been a lot of New Zealanders a.k.a. Kiwis in my news clips recently. This story involves a man who is being charged with assault with a weapon…namely, a hedgehog. He hurled the small mammal about 15 feet at a 15-year old boy. "It hit the victim in the leg, causing a large, red welt and several puncture marks." Police did not say why the alleged assault took place (punk ass teenager shenanigans, dollars to donuts) and were unsure if the hedgehog was alive before the incident…but they confirmed the hedgehog was dead afterwards and had been collected as evidence. That would make for an awkward court case. "Your Honor, I'd like you to direct your attention to Exhibit D." "What? The rotting hedgehog corpse? I thought I told you to get that thing out of my courtroom."

Expensive Pack of Smokes - The crown prince of the United Arab Emirates of Dubai (Sheikh Hamdan bin Mohammed bin Rashed al-Maktoum) has bought a female camel for a record $2.72 million in Abu Dhabi. This is all part of the festivities this week in Abu Dhabi which include a nine-day beauty pageant, camels races with purses totaling $9.5 million, over a hundred exotic cars being auctioned, and other events to celebrate & preserve the region's cultural heritage. Also interesting (at least to me), Abu Dhabi produced the world's first test-tube purebred camel and has begun using remote-controlled robot riders in its camel races in place of child jockeys (or little people). My goodness, how would it be to live off the riches of oil? I'm sure it's not as glamorous as it sounds…but you really can't have beef with the whole harem tradition.

Sexbot Update - A think-tank called the Machine Industry Memorial Foundation (Memorial to what now?) says that robots could fill the jobs of 3.5 million people in graying Japan by 2025 helping to avert worker shortages as the country's population shrinks (in size, not in stature, I assume). My first thought was "My God, I had no idea there were so many prostitutes in Japan" but then I realized what they were talking about…assisting humans in their everyday duties. Rather than each robot replacing one person, the foundation said in a report that robots could make time for people to focus on more important things. Japan could save 2.1 trillion yen ($21 billion) on elderly insurance payments in 2025 by using robots that monitor the health of older people, so they don't have to rely on human nursing care. Caregivers would save more than an hour a day if robots helped look after children, older people and did some housework. Robotic duties could include reading books out loud or helping bathe the elderly. Wait a minute, bathe the elderly? Is that a subtle way of saying they'll be "taken care of" Mafia style? By electrocution during bath time? Will they be reading the new Robot Manifesto to our children and eventually using them for batteries? I say we keep robots where they're needed…in the bedrooms of geeks like me with disposable income and a lot of imagination. Maybe to help cook & clean around the house too. Think I'm a little crazy? Remember that it was the writers of the Jetsons that named their robot maid Rosie. That was like…forty years ago.

Anyway, that'll do it for tonight. Have a great night everybody!!! Read a Playboy before you go to bed...you know, in honor of the birthday boy. I know which cover girl I'm interested in...

By the way, that's Amanda Beard...from yesterday's blog. HOTTTTT!!!

Snoochie Boochies

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Diet & exercise plan are still going good. I loved jogging today because it rained last night and into the morning, so the crisp, clean, refreshing feeling that comes with a fresh rain was all around me. I enjoyed it. I've also decided that I need to get some real jogging or basketball shoes, as opposed to the $12 Wal-Mart shoes that I currently wear, because by about the end of the second jogging session (whenever I get bored) my feet get a little sore…so then I walk and listen to the woodpeckers, geese, and whatever else is flying through the neighborhood. In the next few days, I'll probably find a place to play some basketball nearby…or go to the Rec Center. Oh, I've also set up an appointment for my physical on April 21st. It's not my doctor that I've had since I was a baby…because he's booked until late May…but this other guy came recommended. Good times.

Between joggings, I spent most of the day watching "An Evening With Kevin Smith" courtesy of JL Clyde. Kevin Smith is the director of "Clerks", "Mallrats", "Dogma", "Chasing Amy", "Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back", "Clerks II" and plays Silent Bob in most of his movies. The movie is basically him at various stops on a university tour that he did, doing a little Q&A with the students & fans. He's a hilarious guy…and listening to him talk about his moviemaking experiences, he seems like a really cool cat…and the type of director that I think I would be…only probably less successful. Let me put it this way, if you like reading the silly stuff on my blog, then you'd probably enjoy this movie…and I'm ready to watch number two some time soon. Oh yeah, rated R. Speaking of Rated R, my big German buddy Ruben sent me this wonderful link to a short version of "The Big Lebowski" but please…don't play it around children. It's basically all the F-bombs in one three-minute montage. Thanks Ruben!!!

I'd also like to give another shout-out to my hot black friend Jewels on starting her new blog. It's incredibly entertaining…and she thinks that I should move to Arizona instead of Vegas…but I'm still leaning towards Sin City. She's hilarious though. Check her out. Now, here's the news...

Two-Faced Baby - No, it's not an overly elaborate promotion of the new "Dark Knight" movie coming out this summer, but rather a child born in India who was born…with two faces. Hundreds of locals have gone to see the baby…as it is being treated as a reincarnation of the Hindu god, Lord Ganesh. He is a highly benevolent god revered as the remover of obstacles and creating new beginnings. Another local doctor, Bridal Nagar, said she was not an "abnormal baby" but just one with two faces living a normal life, but who might face problems later on. That's true…but think of the poor mother breast feeding both faces simultaneously. Go ahead, think about it. It's okay. It's not weird. It's natural. No need to be afraid of it. My favorite thing, check out the super dimple in the faces' shared cheek. I was wondering what the heck it was at first too…but it's a dimple. Sometimes (being the weirdo that I am) I think about having a child…and I wonder what I would do if my baby came out with two faces. Here's a couple things that would probably happen:

1. I would love that baby twice as much…if it all possible to love that much
2. Blame it on the mother's genes, the Media, and/or cell phone waves
3. If it were a boy, name him Harvey Dent Love
4. If it were a girl, give her some cool, sexy Marvel Comics superhero name like Mystacia or Fantazler or Janus
5. I'm already envisioning family pictures with a parent kissing each face, mildly creepy but sweet
6. Charge two bits a gander…and send her to Harvard for college
7. Meet Oprah on her talk show…and then destroy her
8. Okay, you can't really hate Oprah. She's cool…
9. Post pictures on my blog…and it'd get a million hits a day
10. Use revenue from the ad space to fund numerous charities across the globe…and get her a pony or something when she's old enough…or him a bike (hover bike by the time I have kids)
    

It just goes to show what Thomas Edison said, "Life is 10% what happens to you & 90% how you react to it." I wish that baby girl's family the best…and may they be happy & healthy for as long as possible. Also, I read this article that they're starting to come up with Gene Scanning that can tell you about possible health risk & birth problems…but honestly, it's basically like going over your family history for the most part. However, with a few years of highly-funded research, we could start making GATTACA babies before you know it. Could it lead to the end of disease? Highly doubt it. Could it help you to determine what to expect when you're expecting? Probably. Will it be covered by your HMO? Hahahaha, HM-No. Will it cost a few thousand dollars? Unless you go to Mexico…or Canada. Anyway, just passing the knowledge. Feel free to check out the article if you want.

Monkey on the Lam - Orlando Police apprehended a diaper-clad monkey who escaped from his home on Friday and was sitting on top of a wall. When passerby's tried to catch the monkey, he charged at them, forcing them to retreat to the street into oncoming traffic. Authorities then used a banana (gasp) to lure the monkey into a cage…and then found out that it was simply a small, hairy, retired man with no pants. Okay, that last part was a lie…but the monkey's owners have yet to be found. I'm just getting an image of the monkey charging at some passerby wearing Mickey Mouse ears (shout out to Lilie & her baby picture) and them almost getting hit by a shuttle bus. Apparently, it's illegal to own a monkey as a domesticated pet…but not as a service animal. That's what we call in the business, a loophole. So kids, if you've ever wanted your dream of having a pet monkey to come true (and we all have thought about it) all you have to do is get a written statement from your physician…and maybe lose your sight or hearing or something…and you could be the proud owner of a service monkey (for a few bucks extra) and finally have that diaper-clad sidekick that you've always wanted. I'll let you know when "Dr. Love & Ape Lincoln" hit the streets in my latter years…and yes, he will have an appropriate outfit. This of course is void if service sexbots have been perfected by that time…which I am optimistic that they will be. Why would I be willing to go with the far more expensive option?

Sex & Financial Risk Linked - A new brain-scan study may help explain what's going on in the minds of financial titans when they take risky monetary gambles — Sex. When young men were shown erotic pictures, they were more likely to make a larger financial gamble than if they were shown a picture of something scary, such a snake, or something neutral, such as a stapler. Professor Camelia Kuhnen said, "You have a need in an evolutionary sense for both money and women. They trigger the same brain area." Of course, the same are is also stimulated by chocolate…but I know that I'm more willing to spend $20 on a four-minute lapdance if I'm shown a certain image…or to bet the family farm on a game of blackjack if this is my view…

All this time I thought it was because single people were more willing to take financial gambles because it was just them involved in the gamble…because a wise man named Antonio Montana once said, "First, you get the money, then you get the power, then you get the woman"…as opposed to a married man already having a family to worry about…and therefore take the safe route so maybe his kids can take a financial gamble. Now, I see that this is pure conjecture with no scientific merit (like many of my theories). Thank you, Professor Kuhnen. Wait, is considering moving to Vegas a financial risk? Could I be influenced by the many wonderful erotic images associated with that place? I guess…anything is possible.

The Ultimate Ankle Warmer - In Singapore, the highlight of a lingerie fashion show was this Romanian model Danielle Luminita wearing a diamond thong worth roughly $122,000. The Triumph Luxurious Diamond Thong had 518 brilliant-cut diamonds, totaling 30 carats, studded into the front of a black lace thong in a floral pattern. The skimpy underwear that left little to the imagination also had 27 white gold tassels hanging off it. Luminita said, "It is very comfortable, it's not heavy or scratchy or anything." Maybe on your end…but the threat of 518 brilliant-cut diamonds on a little bump-and-grind action would probably have the consistency of a cheese grater on my end. For my safety…and your pleasure, I must insist that you take that off. Thank you…and thank you.

Well, that'll do it for tonight. Tomorrow, I'm thinking that I'm going to work out a little bit in the morning, go get some new releases at Blockbuster, then go hang out with my dad before work. Should be a fun time. Maybe I'll tell him that I'm thinking about moving. It could go one of two ways. Either "What? You're leaving me here…with your stepmom…and your brother? What have I ever done to you? Huh? What am I gonna do now?" or "Are you sure?" Explain my pros & cons. "Well, at least you've put thought into it. Figured you would. Well, at least I'll always have a room for me when I wanna come down for the weekend." I'm guessing it'll really be the latter that he says…but deep down, he'll probably want to come with me. Anyway, to be continued. Have a great night everybody!!!

Bon Voyage, Bubbles!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Bubbles' going-away party last night was a LOT of fun. I met a lot of new people, had a few tasty beverages, and no shots were fired. Good times were had by all. I was oddly enough one of the first to arrive and last to leave…but that was a combination of my presence being requested early for personal goodbye time…and my car being trapped in by other vehicles once people starting showing up. No biggie. I had a good time…and drank plenty of water this morning…so it's all good. The Mad Scientist, From Russia with Love, and Brooklyn also made the event. Other than that, new people…but they were pretty cool for the most part. There was one interesting conversation…where the guy seemed cool and we eventually hit it off pretty good…but the conversation started something like "So you're into classic cars, I see" as he nods towards my 1988 Buick. I wasn't sure if he was trying to joke about my car being twenty years old (because I technically couldn't have given it booze) or if he was trying to be a jackass…but honestly he may have just thought it was an old Cadillac or something…so I went along with it. "Yeah, that's actually the new one. I have a '69 LeMans fully restored too…but it gets gallons per mile." From there, like most party conversations, we just BS'd about whatever while sipping on Hornsby's Crisp Apple Cider (I did anyway). Enough of that, here are some pictures…

Beautiful, snowy night made it an intimate affair

Bubbles & Cookie (another of my nicknames)

Me between From Russia with Love & Bubbles

Not a bad seat...

Always droppin' jaws when I walk in the room...

Cookie, Bubbles, & the Mad Scientist

We're all pretty drunk at this point

"To the best! Cheers!"

They do a mean Buddy Holly "Not Fade Away" cover

Mom, for the record, I'm not drinking,

I'm playing jugs for the backbeat

We'll miss ya, Bubbles!!!

This morning, I had an odd dream (drinking does that...but oddly enough, not concerning that last picture of Bubbles) where I was playing with kids that looked like my nieces a few years from now (it just felt that way) at a house by the side of a busy downhill freeway or something. We're playing in the front yard, kids riding tricycles, writing with chalk. You know, that stuff…then the wind really starts to pick up…and things are getting blown all around…like tumbleweeds and stuff. Then the wind gets stronger…and cars are starting to slip sideways and stuff on the freeway…which was really weird because people were hanging out of some of them cheering and chanting. When the cars start sliding, I tell the girls, "Come on girls, let's go inside. It's getting too windy." Then semis are driving by and getting blown about…so I run out and grab them and head towards the house. Then one semi seems to be gliding about ten feet off the ground on a wind gust…then goes straight up…and right back down in an explosion. "Holy crap!" So we run like hell for the house…where oddly enough, my dad is handing out life preservers…which seems odd…then it's like "Well, it's better than nothing, I guess." Then there's this low rumble with a crackling noise on top of it…and apparently that wakes me up…and I have a bit of a headache…so I get some water…and can't go back to sleep afterwards. So keep in mind I'm doing this entry on about three hours of sleep.

Watched some college basketball this morning…and there was a lot of good, close games between teams with different styles and gameplans…but you don't care about all of that, I'm sure. March Madness starts next week. I did also catch "Phone Booth" with Colin Farrell, Forest Whitaker, and Kiefer Sutherland on FX. I forgot how much I liked that movie. I had seen it when it comes on DVD originally because I heard it was okay…and I remember somebody telling me that Tom Hanks & Will Smith & others turned down Colin's part for one reason or another. So pure curiosity really. It's about a bullspitting publicist (Farrell) who uses a payphone on 8th Avenue in NYC to call his would-be mistress…but after calling her, immediate gets a call from a sniper…who plays games with him testing his willingness to confess his sins to loved ones…and everybody…and basically it ends up in a whole police stand-off situation…and it's actually a really good movie, that I think you should check out. I don't give it justice with my summary…but yeah. Even though Joel Schumacher directed it, check it out. Now for the news...

Sexbot Update - As you may be aware, I'm insanely curious about the progress of robots…particularly of the sexual nature. Is it because I plan on purchasing one in the near future? No…but it has been referred to as Plan D on occasion. However, whenever I read a technological update where robots are involved…my interest is peaked. For example, the El-E robot was unveiled in Amsterdam this week, has two lenses spaced together just like eyes, a slender 5 1/2-foot-tall body, and spurts out wacky catch phrases when it accomplishes its goals. Her focus is allegedly to interact with us and simply grabs stuff you point at with a laser. The robot's designer Charlie Kemp says "The entire world becomes a point and click interface. Objects become buttons. And if you point at one, the robot comes to grab it. It creates a clickable world." Sure, these robots may be currently used for those afflicted with nerve cell injuries like Lou Gehrig's Disease…but it's only a matter of time before one hand specializes in retrieving 12-ounce cans…and the other has a velvet or rabbit skin glove. We'll see how this clickable world is then. Oh…and those wacky catch phrases will probably need some minor adjustments too. "I got you a beer. This Bud's for you, big boy." Click remote in area of the groin. "I'm sorry, master. I'll grab you a cold one." "No, wait! I pushed the wrong button. ABORT!!! ABORT!!! AAAAAGH!!! LET GO!!!" I'm sure further studies will work those kinks out…possibly putting in a safe word or something. "PISTACHIO!!! PISTACHIOOOOO!!!"

Come On MyFacebook - Prostitution may be the oldest profession (beating out Pimpin' and Johnin' by a matter of minutes) but new technology is making it much easier to sell one's company without interference from John Q. Law…who I assume is the director of FBI or something. Apparently, they're using a lot of these MySpace, Facebook, and the plethora of singles websites (a.k.a. Junk mail) to meet prospective clients…and then it goes from there. There's also a lot of other sites that are a little more…direct than that (no questionnaire to fill out about whether or not you like kids, books, or reality TV). You can communicate with them before hand, learn their likes & dislikes (turn-ons & turn-offs), going rates for anything from handjobs to shaving your ass in a hot tub full of Pepto Bismol while your friend videotapes, and use PayPal to complete the transaction. There's even a rating system similar to eBay. That's actually one of my first references when I'm deciding on a date for the night…is the testimonial. "She REALLY knows what she's doing. Truly professional…and a master of her trade." Thank you, Ladiesman217!!! I'm glad that you approve. Now I can continue with my transaction. "That b**ch gave me crabs!!!" Wow, thanks for the heads up, Monkeyhammer53!!! Remove from My Cart. Anyway, these techniques obviously are a lot more effective than word-of-mouth or waiting to hear about an organization from CNN because of a Governor being a Rewards Member of sorts…so yeah, I'm not sure exactly why I mention it other than it was kind of interesting…and I like the pun-filled headline "Come On MyFacebook" because I'm twisted like that.

Napoleon Complex Is Real - Researchers at universities in the Netherlands and Valencia, Spain asked 549 Dutch and Spanish men and women to rate how jealous they felt, and to list the qualities in a romantic competitor that were most likely to make them ill at ease. Men generally felt most nervous about attractive, rich and strong rivals, but these feelings were increasingly relaxed the taller they were themselves. The more vertically challenged the man, the greater his feelings of jealousy. For women, what counted most in jealousy was the rival's looks and charm, but these feelings were less intense if the woman herself was of average height. Apparently, there's evolutionary reasons for this because of concepts like increased fertility, health, and popularity…but it's just another study showing that the Napoleon Complex is alive and well. My only advice is…guys, don't hate the playa, hate the game…and instead of getting a sportscar like a Ferrari Testarossa or Lamborghini Diablo, go for the Porsche or a Miata or something. They'll make you look bigger. Oh…and shave or something too…for the same reason. Anyway, for the girls, I really don't know how to help…other than maybe invite your fellow short friend to the equation…and maybe the two of you would be more attractive then the prospect of one average-sized woman. I don't know, I'd have to do the necessary research. Feel free to send me pictures to compare.

Crazy Chinese Witch - Apparently, a newlywed Chinese couple in the Hubei province, Wang & his wife Luo, fought a lot (and probably had makeup sex afterwards…at least, that's the American way). They were married on February 2nd…and on March 4th, they allegedly shared a bottle of liquor after a fight (always good to add alcohol to a fire). According to an official report, "At about 10 p.m., Luo watched her husband get into bed without cleaning or washing his feet. In a fit of anger and intoxication, she set fire to the sheet he was sleeping in. When he awoke, the two began fighting before a very drunk Wang collapsed. As fire engulfed the bedroom. Luo escaped to the living room, leaving her other half to burn." Yeah, so she's arrested now…and honestly, I hope that she burns…Salem style…but whatever. We shall see. As I was raised by the music of Pink Floyd, usually if one doesn't wash their feet, then they don't get any Pu Ding…which I assume is Cantonese for "happy fun sex" or something. This is going far above & beyond what a sane person would do.

Divine Intervention? - Lefkos Hajji of East London is going to propose to his girlfriend…and in an exceptionally clever way (in his mind), by concealing a $12,000 engagement ring in a helium balloon…with the idea that later he would pop the question, she would pop the balloon, he would pop wood, and she would have her cherry popped…or something along those lines. But as he left the shop, a gust of wind pulled the balloon from his hand and he watched the ring sail away over the rooftops. Hajji spent the next two hours in his car trying to chase and find the balloon, without success. "I felt like such a plonker. It cost a fortune and I knew my girlfriend would kill me. I thought I would give Leanne a pin so I could literally pop the question but I had to tell her the story -- she went absolutely mad. Now she is refusing to speak to me until I get her a new ring." That sucks, Hajji!!! It really does…but honestly…if a wind picks up for the sole purpose of keeping you from proposing to this woman…who won't speak to you after you told her that you bought her a $12,000 and trying to give it to her in a semi-romantic & thoughtful way…then I think you need to look at the signs…and drop that trick. I mean…coupled with my previous story about the Chinese lady…and her overreaction…that's my suggestions. I'm not a doctor…oh wait, yes I am. You need to cut her off. Even if you get that ring back (which I don't see happening), I say that if she doesn't want to talk to you, that's her loss. You'd be a plonker (whatever the hell that is) if you stayed with her. Just my suggestion though. I only know a few details. That's why I plan on proposing with a purple plastic spider ring from Nickelcade if the opportunity arises. If she says yes to that…then maybe she'll get a real one down the line. I don't want her to love me for my money. I want her to love me for me. Not because I'm tough like Dirty Harry…or make her laugh like Jim Carrey…wait, that sounds familiar for some reason. Damn you, Blessed Union of Souls!!! I've lost my point now.

Bennie & Betsy To Wed - Ralph Archbold is Philadelphia's best-known Benjamin Franklin portrayer. Linda Wilde portrays Betsy Ross, the woman credited with stitching the first American flag (though up to controversy). The star-crossed lovers met on September 1st after Wilde hired Archbold for a friend's wedding toast. Archbold had initially declined the gig but Wilde begged (always hot) and he relented. During the appearance, Wilde told Archbold about her interest in history and her desire to dress up (kinky). Archbold, 66, later called her in search of a last-minute Ross. "Think you can put together a costume?" he asked. She did, joining Archbold on a few outings, including the Thanksgiving parade. That turned into dating. Wilde, a pharmacist, is widowed. Archbold's first wife died, and he is long divorced from his second. No wedding date is set, but Sept. 1 looks serendipitous. It's not only the anniversary of their first meeting, but also the date in 1730 that Franklin and Deborah Read were married. Now that's a cute story. I just wanted to share that with you all…because I like Benjamin Franklin…and old people are kind of cute…at least until you remember that I mentioned something about begging & dressing up in a semi-sexual way…then you realize how easy it is to turn a cute story into a semi-creepy story that smells like mothballs. Anyway, congratulations to Ralph & Linda a.k.a. Bennie & Betsy. I wonder if George Washington will marry them…that'd be sweet. Johnny Tremaine could be the ring bearer. Thomas Jefferson would be the Best Man…and his baby's mama could be the Maid of Honor…oh it'll be such fun. I love history.

Well, that should do me for today. My Wingman starts the serious treatments tomorrow...on St. Patrick's Day...so please, be sure to include a toast to health, wealth, and more than yourself during your festivities tomorrow. Have a great day everybody!!! Celebrate fully & safely!!! Peace.

Want Me To Watch Your Movie?

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

As many of you are aware, I like movies…and watch a lot of them. In fact, the Mad Scientist & I were having a standard discussion of nonsense…and the topic came up of movies in theatres now…and "10,000 BC" came up. "It looks like Apocolypto…with Dinosaurs." "You could get me to watch any movie…with Dinosaurs. I don't care if it's a story of a young woman's journey of self-discovery starring Hilary Duff…with Dinosaurs, I would probably watch it." So here's a quick list that I've comprised of TEN Key Words that should be in a plotline if you'd like me to watch your movie. Honestly, these are pretty much the only ten that would guarantee viewership…but in no particular order:

Dinosaurs - Prehistoric creatures usually means large, loud, violent predators…and somebody fairly important to the plot is going to get eaten. I really liked Dinosaurs as a kid…and still do follow discoveries when they come up on Yahoo News or something…so that could play into it. Besides, who doesn't like dinosaurs? They're like dragons…but without all that mystical wizardry and other often lame excuses for them. There's also lots of different kinds…so it's always interesting to see which ones are used. One of my favorites growing up though was "Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend" starring Sean Young and a cute little green puppet dinosaur. There were warlords involved. Check it out if you get the chance.

Robots - Robots are always cool to me too, especially the sexy kind. Whether it's the whole Philip K. Dick aspect of technology & humanity and the relationships between…or armies of robotic warriors and machines set to fire and/or explode…or just an excuse to use CGI technology, chances are that if your movie has robots, I'll check it out. I throw Muppets & other Marionettes into this category too. If you have puppetry, ventriloquism, or funny fuzzy characters voiced by Frank Oz, I'll check it out. Another one of my favorites growing up was "Short Circuit" starring Steve Guttenburg and Ally Sheedy. Good flick.

Time Travel - I've already done a list about my love for Time Travel movies. By the way, check out T = Time for some insight on the concept of time travel. You might like it. You all know that I've seen "Back to the Future" too many times…but still feel free to check it out…and say hi to your mom for me.

Lesbians - Even a casual mentioning of the possibility of girl-on-girl action will make me watch your movie. I say make me watch your movie…because I really think that it's some kind of basic primal instinct that forces me to do it. It's quite simple actually. "What do you like $teve?" "Woman." "Okay, what kind of woman?" "Naked woman." "Okay, what's better than a naked woman?" "Ugh…two naked woman." "Better than that?" "Add meat to sandwich?" See? Very simple…like my schizophrenia. Shockingly enough, I didn't watch a lot of lesbian movies growing up as a kid (though "Revenge of the Nerds" had some nice hair pie) but I would recommend that you check out "Bound" starring Gina Gershon, Jennifer Tilly, & Joey Pants if you get the chance.

Werewolves - More so than vampires, zombies, mummies, ghosts, voicemails, text messages, cameras, or any other creepy thing that supposed to instill fear in me, werewolves will get me to watch your movie. Why? Vampires may be hot…but get played out too often…and the plots are really stretched. Zombies are usually ridiculously stretched to the point of making them horror comedies. Ghosts trying to kill me through my cell phone or digital camera or VCR or website or whatever, come on now. Really? I pity anybody who really wanted to go see "Shutter" or "One Missed Call" or even "The Ring" or any of those other Japanese horror film remakes. Anyway, I'm getting off point. Werewolves are cool…because there's really the whole uncontrollable schizoid aspect to it…like a Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde angle…and it vicious, violent, and profound. The transformation is fairly immediate…and for brute strength, they're basically unstoppable…and they don't pause for stupid monologues like they're a Bond villain like vampires do. They just destroy…and then wake up the morning like "What happened?" Speaking of which, hi Bubbles!!! Can't wait for the party tonight!!! Also can't wait for "Jack & Diane" because it includes at least two of my key words - Lesbians & Werewolves.

Milla Jovovich - If my baby's mama is in your movie, I will watch it. Believe me, no matter how lame, silly, stupid, uninteresting, or just plain awful the plot is, I will watch it. For Christ's sake, I watched THREE Resident Evil zombie movies…and those were probably her best (besides "Fifth Element" obviously…because I still think that's the perfect movie…and she speaks gibberish the time). However, I still just can't seem to get enough of my Milla…and she really does have some talent as far as acting goes…but sometimes I question her choice in movie roles. Okay, I understand "Messenger" playing Joan of Arc. You did a good job there…and the story is from a historically interesting perspective. Some movies you were basically just eye candy and didn't have many lines…like "Chaplin", "Return to Blue Lagoon", "Kuffs" and others…but what the hell were thinking with ".45", that movie was awful…on so many levels. Though I do like that you say f**k a lot…and Lesbians are involved. Those are two key words. Anyway, I like Milla Jovovich a lot.

Strip - Whether you're talking about Las Vegas Boulevard or the verb were clothing is being removed from the body, I will watch your movie. I'm not afraid to admit that I'm basically a moth when it comes to the shiny lights of the Vegas Strip (or Fremont Street) and there's always great cinematography involved with that location…and usually girls with large bosoms are involved somehow. As for the stripping, I am a big fan of the dancing on stage in scantily prepared outfits…even without full nudity…but only if it directly pertains to the plot of the movie or character development. That's very important. I don't promote the peddling of smut. Who am I kidding? I love strip clubs. I almost rented a house just because it had a pole in the middle of the basement for the housewarming party. Besides, they help me remain somewhat optimistic through those dry spells…you know…like when it rains in Death Valley.

Martial Arts - It sure ain't no modern art…because I get Martial Arts. Granted, I'm not going to claim to see EVERY martial arts movie to come out of Asia (because I don't think that's possible with one being made every few minutes) but I've seen more than a few in my day. Ninjas & Samurai are also thrown into this group...because they are awesome. Oh...and yeah, that is Bruce Lee & Chuck Norris fighting. If it flaunts martial artistry though, I'll check it out. Only a movie flaunting the sensual arts would get higher billing…and there's not a whole lot of those at my local Blockbuster. Believe me, I've looked.

Panda - As you may be aware, I like Pandas. Only a few movies work Pandas into the plot…but no matter how cheesy, kid-friendly it may be, I'll check it out regardless. Really looking forward to "Kung Fu Panda" because again…two key words…mentioned in the title. The fact that it's going to be a CGI kids comedy only sweetens the pot.

Bacon - I like bacon…and though it usually is only casually mentioned during the movie, I like the mentioning of it. The fact that Kevin Bacon stars in the movie is only a mediocre draw…but a draw nonetheless…and it's really just about the last name. Possibly the greatest moment for bacon in cinema…is Burgess Meredith's monologue about his diet in "Grumpier Old Men" and I hope to be him when I'm older. A funny, bitter old man held together by piss, vinegar, and bacon grease.

The Ultimate Movie Plot - A sexy cyborg ninja is sent back through time to save the Earth from being overthrown by robots, who cloned dinosaurs & werewolves to aid them in world domination. When her warnings fall on deaf ears, she is forced to join a militant wing of the National Alliance of Independent Lesbian Exotic Dancers (NAILED) and using futuristic mind control technology, employ an army of tigers, monkeys, and pandas to help them in their struggle against the evil robot empire already growing at an exponential rate in China. Milla Jovovich and the 2008 Hawaiian Tropic Team star in "Operation: Makin' Bacon" Rated R (with an 2-disc Unrated collector's set dropping six months later). What do you think? Would you watch it?

Anyway, I'm off to go see my brother & his family for a few hours today...then back to work until Vegas next weekend. Oh...and I talked to Bubbles last night...and she loves Vegas (of course) and is already meeting good people and finding the intricacies that make this a city made for her...like having a liquor store in Albertson's. She even has me as her Number Two in her MySpace...because we're tight like that. JJ is also enjoying Denver...but is recovering from pneumonia, so please send some prayers and/or positive thoughts her way. Have a great day everybody!!!