Basketball's Christmas

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

Welcome to the 2007 NBA Draft. Being a huge basketball fan, today is like Christmas for professional basketball...and to a smaller extent, me. With Commissioner David Stern playing the role of Santa Claus, fanatics around the world wonder "Who's my team getting this year? I hope it's somebody cool...or at least useful...like a two-guard who can bury 3-pointers on a kick-out." Yes, today is the day...and though only time will tell if the players drafted go on to be superstars, role players, or wash-outs...today is their day in the spotlight. So without further ado...here's my take on today's draft...and don't worry, I'll skip a lot of the boring picks...and there will be other things in this entry afterwards. So feel free to pan down if you don't like basketball.

1. Portland - Greg Oden - Center from Ohio State - I still say the man looks to be in his mid-thirties...but whatever. There was a lot of speculation about taking him or Kevin Durrant (more later) with the first pick...but you can't teach size...and this kid (because he's 19) has a lot of it. He's seven-foot & 130 kilograms, so he's a large guy...and just to show how knit-picky scouts are...they made a big deal about one of his legs being an inch longer & how that's going to mess up his back. I'm sure he'll at least be a good center. Worst-case, he's another Sam Bowie who had chronic back problems during his 10-year career...which was the pick the last time Portland was in this situation...but it's a good pick. Period. They also drafted a lanky Duke forward named Josh McRoberts (#37) just in case. They also got the point guard for the team that beat him in the NCAA championship, Florida's Taurean Green (#52) & traded to get Steve Francis. Remember "The Franchise"?

2. Seattle - Kevin Durrant - Forward from Texas - This guy seems like another LeBron-like 18-year old prodigy...and seems like a nice guy in the interviews & stuff. The only reason he wasn't #1 was because he's not a center...and again, you can't teach big. Seattle is going to like this kid...even when they move to Las Vegas or wherever in the next year or so. I don't know why they traded to get Jeff Green (#5 pick from Boston) when they play the same position...but whatever. I'll let the coach figure that one out.

3. Atlanta - Al Horford - Forward from Florida - Another big guy from two-time champion Florida that's ready to start...and will probably have to because this franchise is HORRIBLE and has been since Dominique Wilkins left. There, I said it. I like what they did picking up Al and a point guard with the #11 pick Acie Law IV (great-uncle to Ernie Banks). They may be on the right track. Time will tell.

4. Memphis - Mike Conley, jr. - Guard from Ohio State - Great young point guard finally leaves the shadow of Greg Oden (high school & college) for the shadow of Spaniard Pau Gasol & Elvis in the home of the Blues. They drafted a point guard last year...but apparently aren't too worried about a little competition.

6. Milwaukee - Yi Jianlian - Forward from China - They say he's good. I've never seen him play...but I've played against people that he's probably played against when I was over there for a month...and it's a lot easier over there than down the street. Maybe he'll prove me wrong. He seems like a great guy though...and could be the next Dirk or something. However, he does seem scared of letting go of the rim, doesn't he???

7. Minnesota - Corey Brewer - Guard/Forward from Florida - Great defender & pretty quick with a lot of wingspan. Could help out KG...since he doesn't appear to be going anywhere. I've seen him play a few times & he's never let me down.

8. Charlotte - Brandon Wright - Forward from North Carolina - UNC alumni Michael Jordan helps to decide to select a fellow alumni at a team that plays in Charlotte. Easily the most predictable pick in the draft...but a good one, I guess. He'll team up with other UNC alumni like Sean May, Raymond Felton, & Jeff McInnis. Weird, huh?



9. Chicago - Joakim Noah - Forward from Florida - People keep telling me that he talks a lot & is a very passionate player. So is Rasheed Wallace. So is that kid that you used to play with during school that would get frustrated when you schooled him and ended the game with "Screw you guys. I'm going home.....and I'm taking my ball with me."

10. Sacramento - Spencer Hawes - Center from Washington - Finally, a white guy. We cracked the Top Ten. You can't teach big. He may be an okay player. I've never seen him play. Now that he's in Sacramento, I probably never will either. What happened to the mystique of the Maloof Brothers? Oh yeah, they traded to GET Ron Artest.

17. New Jersey - Sean Williams - Center from Boston College - The guy was cut from the team for violating team rules (rockin' the gonja) a few times...and now has Jason Kidd lobbing him alley oops & can see the Vince Carter show first-hand. What a country!!! Smoke on, brutha...because you can't teach height.

19. LA Lakers - Javaris Crittendon - Guard from Georgia Tech - Surprise, surprise. They drafted somebody who can specialize in giving Kobe the ball. I hear he's pretty good too. Not surprised in the point guard pick though.

25. Utah - Morris Almond - Guard from Rice - They needed a two-guard to hit 3-pointers...and I'm told that this guy is good for that. I liked the idea of Wisconsin's Alando Tucker (#29 to Phoenix) or Arron Afflalo (#27 to Detroit)...but that's why I don't get that particular paycheck, I guess. Now, I have to look this guy up.

28. San Antonio - Tiago Splitter - Forward from Brazil - As expected, my favorite team went with a foreign-born player...but he's got height...and again, you can't teach it. I assume they're making the right choice though. Why? They're going for the ring on the thumb next year. He may be the next great thing to come out of Brazil. He can do like all the Brazilian superstars & become TIAGO...with no last name...because I'm too sexy. By the way, this isn't Tiago pictured to the left...but you get brownie points if you can tell me who this Brazilian is. Only one name required for entry...

33. San Antonio - Marcus Williams - Forward from Arizona - Quick & skinny forward was one of the best players available. A great addition for when they rest Duncan & Parker...and let Ginobili just run, run, run for 3-4 minutes with everybody else around him. This guy can keep up. There we go, they drafted a Greek forward named Giorgos Printezis at #58. All they need is an Asian & a Penguin to have all the continents covered in their WORLD DOMINATION!!! Maybe next year...

40. LA Lakers - Sun Yue - Forward from China - Welcome to the American Dream, Yue!!! Yeah, Yue!!! You get to go from the streets of Hebei to HOLLYWOOD...and back-up Kobe Bryant for a few minutes per season. You do get to meet Jack Nicholson though...or as he's called in China, "Honorable Clown Demon." That's right. Raise your hand in recognition of your good fortune. By the way, Kobe talked about getting more star-quality help or he's leaving...so they tried to get All-Star Pau Gasol...but failed, so they did the next best thing & drafted his brother Marc (#48). They have the same genes, right?

Anyway, that concludes my Draft Review. It's not like last year...where I have a sneaking suspicion that David Stern was made an offer he couldn't refuse to get an Italian drafted at #1. "Okay Fat Tony. I'll give in. Please don't break my legs. On one condition though...it's has to be a Canadian team that picks him. You know, so it's not obvious." "Hmmm....okay, I am willing to compromise...but we want another Italian drafted in the first round next year too." The joke's on William "Fat Tony" Williams though because Marco Belinelli is going to Golden State.

Other Stuff for Today - Because I understand that very few of you care about basketball, I thought that I'd throw in a few random thoughts...mostly dealing with technology & the future.

• Given the current trend of remaking every 80's Saturday morning cartoon & comic book into a feature-length live-action movie, would it be feasible that by the year 2030 we would re-remake those live-action movies into a virtual reality simulation??? Or would today's cartoons become, for example, a live-action Spongebob movie??? Movie announcer voice: "Bruce Willis is........Bob the Builder. Can we build it? You bet your ass we can!!!"
• If only stupid people are breeding...what does that say about our future? If you really want an answer, watch the movie "Idiocracy" by Mike Judge.
• I wouldn't want to be one of the first to test out a Teleporter. Maybe if it was something like the tube system they use at banks & in mail rooms...because that's be more like a roller coaster ride. That sounds like fun.
• "Man alive!!!" - Where does that expression come from exactly? That's not an expression of excitement. That's more like a headline in Detroit. "Five million people survive night." If that's not optimism, I don't know what is. It's much better than "Five million people survive the night. Several hundred do not. Film at 11."
• Why is Steroids such a big deal in Baseball??? Hitters have been using drugs for over a century. So Barry Bonds may be on the Juice, Babe Ruth was on the Sauce. Are we going to take him out of the Hall of Fame? By the way, Pete Rose should be in there. Sure he gambled...but he gambled FOR HIS TEAM.
• On that note, is there a Boxing Hall of Fame??? Is there anybody in it??? Thank you for corrupting the Sweet Science, Mr. Don King!!! I long for the days when a man could beat the fear of God into another man before a thousand spectators with dignity. Shame on you, sir.
• If I am a creation of a God, and I don't believe in myself, is that blasphemy?
• The Spice Girls are getting back together. Why am I not aroused? Is it because of the fashionable maturnity dresses? I don't think so, because pot bellies are sexy. What else could it be? I mean...I even have the Mute button on.

• Scientists say that 'Pleasure Bots' or fully-interactive robotic sex dolls may enter the market place in as early as five years (unless Hillary becomes President). This arouses several questions from me:
  

1. Where's the website so that I can customize & preorder?
2. I prefer to think of this as an incredible learning tool...that rewards with positive reinforcement as it teaches. Hear me out ladies. What if they customize them as a learning tool about how to please a woman? Wouldn't that be a great thing? "Yes, yes, I'm totally rocking this game. I'm going for the high score. Whew, I need some water."
3. Will this be the end of dating? "Look, I can spend $100 on dinner for us...and MAYBE get a good night kiss...or I can spend $200 and shazaam a Victoria's Secret supermodel. Batteries not included. Some assembly required."
4. If you think that teenage boys play video games a lot NOW...just wait. Think of it this way though, at least they'll be getting physical exercise.
5. Do I really want to be one of the first to test this new technology out? Think about it. One frayed wire, a semi-conductive lubricant, and ZAP!!! Adios chalupa!!! However, this could be big. You may be the Neil Armstrong of Sexual Conquest. Yes, the future could be a very interesting place.

Okay, now I'm done for day. Perhaps I've said too much...