Just a Thought

After a fine evening at a jazz bar celebrating my buddy Cambria's birthday, I now find myself babysitting for my brother because...well, I'm a sucker...and she's really really cute. I'll post some pictures one of these days. I can't seem to send them now because my cell phone is...special. Anyway, I was sitting with her watching "Dick Tracy" (Stop laughing, it was Pacino, Hoffman, & Beatty. It could have won Oscars.) when I had a thought about sleepwalking. As far as I know, I don't sleepwalk (Then again, if I knew, it wouldn't exactly be sleepwalking, now would it?) but there seems to be a similarity between Sleepwalking....and Lycanthropy.


Please take into account that I'm not a scientist Dr. Love...but if sleepwalkers roam about the night...usually in search of food (in the fridge) or marking their territory (urinating where they THINK the toilet is), then what's the different between them & werewolves rather than a massive amount of instant hair growth? Is it not possible that the bird that was left for you on the front porch...that you ASSUME was put there by your cat...may have in fact been a gesture from another loved one...who had feathers in their mouth because you thought they had ripped another pillow? Does your lover's breath smell and/or taste like dead things? Do they ever have mysterious scratches (not the ones on their back) or red stains on their side of the bed? Ah, see? The pieces are starting to come together. All this time, you thought that your loved one may have just been raiding the cupboards for Cheetos & Snowballs...when they could have been prowling the streets looking for another kind of delicious snack. Wait! That cat that has been missing with all the flyers up around your neighborhood...wasn't the cat's name Snowball? You may have subconsciously been right all along. Oh no, WHAT HAVE THEY DONE???


Now that you realize that you've been sharing a bed with a mythological predator, what do you do now? Go to the police? They'll never believe you...probably laugh at you & tell all their cop friends at the next barbeque (They would. Trust me. I've been to a few in my day, remember?) There's only one thing that you can do.


1) Look through the yellow pages for the name & number of both your local blacksmith/jewelry designer and bounty hunter.


2) Speak with the bounty hunter first, because he/she's more likely to believe you...especially if you pay cash (besides, less of a paper trail). Tell them that you want them to only GRAZE your loved one with a silver bullet during the next full moon when they're on their prowl. They are professionals. Your loved one will be in good hands...but makes sure that you get a money-back guarantee if something goes wrong...it's the smart thing to do.


3) Fashion a silver bullet. Having never had this problem, I'm not sure if your local jeweler would be able to fashion a silver bullet for you...that's why the blacksmith's...sorry, African-American Smith's number may come in handy. From there, you could have your loved one back to normal within a fortnight...and your neighbors' pets will appreciate it as well. Anyway, spread the word & let people know...because the appetite of a werewolf is inquenchable...and grows exponentially. Sure, now it's just local waterfowl & irritating tomcats...but someday...well, let us hope that it doesn't reach that point. Have a great weekend!!!