St. Natty's Day

Top o' da Mornin' Lads & Lasses,

Today's the day when people dye their beer green and talk to each other in annoyingly horrible Irish accents (see my greeting) in remembering of Saint Patrick, who apparently saved the Emerald Isle a long time ago from fire-breathing snakes or something along those lines. I forget the exact reason…but that may be because every time that I've been told the story I had a pint of Guinness in my hand and my response was "Awesome, so if you whack your snake enough, you'll get a holiday. My mom always told me that I'd just go blind. Bottoms up!!!" For the real story of Saint Patrick, please feel free to check out this link.




Today is also what I like to call St. Natty's Day…in which today would be the 89th birthday of Nat King Cole. Born in Montgomery, Alabama, to a preacher & the church organist, they would move to Chicago shortly after. There, he would often listen to legends like Louis Armstrong and developed skills for jazz & performance. For those of you who have never experienced this singer's voice, you owe it to yourself to listen to an album or so. His baritone voice is deep, sultry, soulful, jazzy, and always seems to have a smile in there. Only a few singers in history can even be compared. I know whenever I just want to relax and sing along to a few ditties to get in a good mood, all I have to do is set my iPod to Nat King Cole or the Cole Porter Trio and just relax. It's also surprisingly good music to make out too…just in case you were wondering. "I'd looove to make looove to youuuu…" Good times. Being a heavy smoker for most of his life, he unfortunately died of lung cancer at the tender age of 45. However, his legacy of great music, dignity, class, sophistication, and style still ring true today. In fact, I believe he's still the reason that cool kids smoke. They may not know it…but when people saw Nat light up, they knew it was cool, so they did it…then other people saw them being like Nat…and thought they were cool…and so on…and so on. Anyway, that's just my theory. So tonight when you're at the bar…and you go outside to light up your Camel Turkish Gold for a little peace & quiet…and to get the taste of beer & vomit out of your mouth...and your voice is a little sore & raspy from trying to talk over your drinking buddies, just remember to look at that gorgeous nearly-full moon and sing, "It's only a paper moon, sailing over a cardboard sea, but it wouldn't be make-believe if you believed in me." Drink responsibly. Bubbles, please drive safely to Vegas. Also, remember to toast for your loved ones…and to wish them health, wealth, and everything else. Say a little prayer for the Wingmans if you wouldn't mind. Mr. Wingman starts the harsh treatments today as well…and we wish him only the best. Cheers!!!




Nessie Proof? - Yes, I know that Nessie & Loch Ness is located in Scotland, not Ireland. I know this because I've been there…but in Norway, they've found a fossil of a 50-foot long "sea monster" called a pliosaur from the time of the dinosaurs. This is the largest pliosaur ever found…which is thought to be the most ferocious creature of the seas during that time. Its jaws are ten feet long, lined with daggers for teeth, and according to the report, "A small car could fit inside its mouth." Awesome…unless you're in the car, I guess. Now the idea of a longnecked monster in a deep narrow loch in the Scottish Highlands doesn't seem so damn crazy, now does it? Maybe no scientists have found Nessie because he/she/it doesn't want to be found. Oh yeah, Nessie could be an it. Some kind of asexual self-reproducing amphibious reptile that survives of tourists, haggis, and "Highland Coos" then retreats to the trenches of Loch Ness. It could happen. If swimming reptiles a long time ago could swallow a Mini Cooper whole, then anything's possible.




Luck of the Irish - You know…it's cliché to dub an Irishman the luckiest man on Earth on St. Patrick's Day. Not only cliché…but completely wrong. Why? Because Serbian basketball player Marko Jaric is the luckiest man on Earth…because he's going out with Adriana Lima…and makes me look like a catch…even with my raccoon eyes courtesy of San Diego sun (see pictures from yesterday). I sincerely hope that he's a great guy and treating her right…because honestly, that would give me some hope. We've already discussed the similarities between us…and I still think that she fall for me if we ever met…but alas, we shall see if the Luck of the Irish falls on my lap. In the meantime, congratulations Marko "Polo" Jaric!!! You are this year's Luckiest Man on Earth. Silver Medal goes to Jim Carrey…for inspiring class clowns that they can get a playmate if they just keep the path.




Fortune Cookie of the Day - "You will be singled out for promotion…in bed" - So either I'm going to become an open market gigolo…or I could already be a winner in the Publisher's Clearing House of Coitus. Either way, it could turn out pretty cool for me. I'll keep you posted as usual.




Movies to Watch on St. Patty's Day

Medal Winners

Gold - Boondock Saints (1999) - I'm sure that I've expressed how cool this movie is before. Basically, it's a hilarious shoot-em-up movie about two Irish brothers (Sean Patrick Flanery & Norman Reedus) who are modern-day superheroes and go around cleaning the streets of Boston in the name of the Lord. Along the way, they're being hunted down by special investigators (Willem Dafoe) and the bad guys send an unstoppable hitman after them (Billy Connolly). Can the brothers make it out alive? Watch the movie & find out. Classic.

Silver - Snatch (2000) - Okay, so I know that it's technically not Irish at all…but the people have thick accents…and you can't understand what the hell Brad Pitt is saying…and it's hilarious. Just a good movie to watch for whatever reason honestly…but the accents move it to St. Patty's Day so that you can blame it on the booze. Jason Statham's great in this movie too…but I keep expecting him to kick more ass for some reason, no matter how many times I've seen the movie. He should be doing driving cars fast, drop kicking guys from 2nd story windows, jumping out of the way of missiles, tweaking on epinephrine, and still delivering the one-liners…but I guess this is more of an acting gig than all that. Oh well, still cool.

Bronze - The Fugitive (1993) - They dye the lake green…and Dr. Richard Kimble (Han Solo / Indiana Jones / President Ford) makes a getaway in the Chicago St. Patrick's Day Parade. That's why it makes this list…and that it's a great movie. "I didn't kill my wife." "I don't care." SPLASH!!! Classic.

Suggestion - Necessary Roughness (1991) - How the hell does this football comedy make the list? Because their uniforms are green? Does Scott Bakula sound like an Irish name? Were the writers drunk on Guinness when they thought of this movie after watching "Major League" a few times? No, no, no. There's only one reason that this movie made the list…and it's because of a certain gorgeous 5'10" MILF of three by the name of Kathleen Marie Ireland who starred as the kicker in this movie. Oh…and the movie's kind of funny too.

Flush It - Leprechaun (1993 - 2003) - Did you know that there are now a total of SIX Leprechaun movies with Warwick Davis playing the wee evil bastard? Somehow it still seems too few. I've seen the original (Jennifer Aniston is in it) and a seen a few scenes flipping through channels…mostly the "Leprechaun In Da Hood" edition…and they're pretty bad…but if you've got enough beer flowing through ya, then it doesn't really matter. You'll probably laugh your arse off watching it. When are they gonna make a "Willow 2" so that Warwick Davis can be a leading man again? It's a shame.

Future Watch - St. Patrick (2010?) - So historically, St. Patrick is really considered the Patron Saint of Ireland because he faced severe persecution to bring Catholicism during the 5th century to Ireland…but I prefer to go with the legend of casting snakes from the land…only we have to Hollywoodize it. How about this? Colin Farrell (you had to know that he was going to be in here somewhere) stars as Patrick, a young British lad who is captured by Irish raiders and forced into slavery for six years…then returns to his family a changed man…with a different accent. He decides that he must go back to spread the word of Christ to his raider buddies...and to reunite with the love of his life, Heather (played by a stunning redhead)…but they don't like the Nancy boy telling them how to worship. Things are looking glum. Then the Serpents attack. Giant blood-thirsty reptiles measuring a hundred feet in length and breathe fire, yet can also burrow through the ground at incredible rates (I'm thinking a mix between tremors & dragons…but snakes). Patrick is the only man who knows their weakness…four-leafed clovers…and maybe purple horseshoes and blue moons. Why not? So they collect all the clovers that they can find…and devise a plan. I'd love to tell you the rest…but you'll have to wait until it hits theatres…at the end of the rainbow probably.

Anyway, thanks for listening to me ramble yet again. Hopefully I was entertaining. Have a great day everybody!!! Remember to count your blessings on this day of celebration and give thanks…and to party responsibly. Drink one for me!!! Oh yeah, here's my Celtic horoscope. The Hornbeam Tree sounds about right...and it's fairly accurate...except about the ego thing. You may be aware that I think I'm awesome...or maybe it's just a defense mechanism. Who knows?

You Are A Hornbeam Tree

You are a reserved person, looking in from the outside. Naturally attractive, you take good care of your looks. You are not egoistic, and you make life as comfortable as possible. You look for kindness in others - though you are seldom happy with yourself. A bit mistrusting and unsure, you dream of being swept away by someone unusual.

What's Your Celtic Horoscope?