True Romance

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Brooklyn's Birthday Bash was First Class!!! Granted, I only stayed for about an hour…but it was a lot of fun. Murphy's is a pretty chill bar downtown and her friends are some fun & entertaining cats. I was also introduced to a Red-Headed Slut. No no no, not a promiscious woman of Irish descent (that would've been sweet) but rather a shot called a Red-Headed Slut, comprised of three of my favorite beverages - Cranberry Juice, Peach Schnapps, and Jaegermeister. Try it out. It goes down easy. (Rim shot) Best of all, she had a great time…so hopefully she's drinking plenty of water now and doing okay. I obviously didn't have one…but I worked late, had to drive home, and be here at work in the morning…so I really didn't have time to do any damage…except make a few smiles. It's all good. Tonight, the Wingman & I hang out…but I won't be getting sloshy tonight either…because I donate blood in the morning. Maybe a few Hornsby's Apple Ciders, just so I have a good night's sleep…but that's it.


Happy 45th Birthday to acclaimed writer / director Quentin Tarantino!!! Maker of some of my favorite movies including "Pulp Fiction", "Reservoir Dogs", "Jackie Brown", "Deathproof", & "Kill Bill" and wrote two of the greatest love stories of all time, "True Romance" & "Natural Born Killers." Born in Knoxville, raised in the South Bay Area of California, and now a director who can basically do anything that he wants in Hollywood (still waiting on that rumored "Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!" remake) but chooses to take challenging projects…like the war movie "Inglorious Bastards" that he's allegedly doing soon and due out some time in 2010. Anyway, if you haven't seen his films, then feel free to give them a shot…but I'm going to warn you that they're great…but a little dialogue-heavy at times. If you've read my blog at all though, you know that's usually not a problem with me…as long as you throw in an occasional quip or catchy phrase or something. Happy Birthday, Mr. Tarantino!!! Let me know when you wanna collaborate.


Swan Lake 2 - I smell a chick flick. Petra, a black swan in Muenster, Germany, became a minor celebrity in 2006 when she became so attached to an oversized boat shaped like a white swan that she refused to leave its side. Officials in the western city of Muenster decided to let her stay with it over the winter, bringing both bird and boat into a city zoo. However, Petra met a LIVE white swan this winter. Zoo director Joerg Adler says she and her new mate are building a nest together. The boat, obviously heartbroken and distraught over this love triangle, was to return to its original owner. "Look sweetie, it's not you, it's me. You know that a family is important to me and…well, it's simply not a possibility with you. Sure, we have so much in common, we get along so well, God knows I honk you, and the sex is amazing…but I just need to see where this leads. I hope that you can understand. Honk honk." Silence from the boat. "Please don't give me the silent treatment again. You're being childish (or cygnet-ish, I guess). Look, I've got to go…but please…let's keep in touch. Okay? I honk you."


Nearly a week went by…and despite Petra's efforts, she wasn't able to contact the boat. She decided to stop calling…and begin anew with her new beau…but the romance was short-lived. On Saturday, he flew off and sought out the company of other black swans. His note tells a tale of personal conflict: "My dearest Petra, over the last few days, we grew so close…yet I wasn't completely honest with you from the beginning…and for that I am sorry. I only tell you this now because I care for you…and don't want you to waste your precious life with me. When we met at the sandbar last week, I was with a few of my friends at a Bachelor party…but I wasn't there looking to honk up with you…because I…prefer the company of males…black males. I'm sorry for the heartache that I may have caused you…and I knew after you told me that you had broken it off with the boat, that I had to leave…and I wish you the best in everything. You'll always have a special place in my honk…but we can never be. Sincerely, Gunther." Obviously Petra was devastated…and confused…and went into a deep depression. What has she done? What will she do now? Has she lost her chance at love? Well, on Friday, the zoo has arranged to take her back to be reunited with her always faithful paddleboat…and I expect a teary reunion…with lots of makeup honking. God, I watch too many cheesy movies.


Rattlesnake Vodka: It's Got Bite!!! - Bayou Bob Popplewell is a rattlesnake rancher / entrepreneur from (clap clap clap clap) deep in the heaaaart o' Texas. The 63-year old has raised rattlers for over twenty years and was looking for a way to make some money…so he sought the ancient Chinese secret that would help him. In his research, he found that in many Asian countries, vendors often mix various snakes and alcohol as elixirs and tonics providing remedies ranging from stronger kidneys to improved eyesight to a stronger Wang. In fact, when I was in China, I had a glass of snake wine…which was basically a jug of wine (yes, a jug of wine) with a snake body floating in it…and it tasted like…wine with a snake floating around in it. So basically wine. Did it improve my eyesight? Well, a few weeks later I got Lasik surgery. Kidneys? Wine'll do that to a certain extent anyway. Wang? How would I know? I didn't get my hair cut that day (I assume I told you about the barber/brothels they have there) and it would look larger by comparison anyway. Anyway, back to the main story…


So Bayou Bob read up on his snake remedies…and decided that he would sell Snake Vodka to the masses. Unfortunately, he forgot one very important step - He doesn't have a liquor license. So the Texas Alcoholic Beverage Commission obtained a warrant for his arrest…and he surrendered peacefully…and ready to dispute the charges. Popplewell's defense is that it’s a healing tonic and not a beverage…and that he's never actually seen anybody drink it…but alcohol commission agent Scott Jones pointed out that investigators confiscated 429 bottles of snake vodka and one bottle of snake tequila…and at $23 a bottle, that's almost $10,000 worth of reptilian booze. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if that becomes a big souvenir thing for Texas. At twenty bucks a pop, I'd probably grab one…and not drink it…just have it up looking cool on my bar. Who needs a worm in a bottle of tequila when you can have a rattlesnake? Wicked awesome.

Prison Greeting Cards - Do you have a loved one in prison? Are you finding it hard to express just the right sentiment? A Los Angeles company may have the answer. Attorney / entrepreneur Terrye L. Cheathem noticed a market Hallmark wasn't serving and founded Three Squares Greetings, which provides cards for inmates. "With more than 2.5 million people incarcerated in the Unites States today, I saw that there was a tremendous need." Cheathem said she came up with the cards when her brother-in-law served 11 months in prison. She said she went searching for the appropriate greeting card, but couldn't find what she was looking for. "There weren't any cards on the shelf that said anything like, 'Hey, you must make better choices'. "This is one product no one wants to receive and no one wants to buy, but if you need it, it's there." Okay, so she's not the best marketer in the world…but she makes them up herself…and here are some of her signature Hallmark moments: "We are all praying for you while you do your time" or "You had the choice to be 'naughty or nice.' And you chose ... Oh well, now you have to do your time" Okay, not the best lines out there…or really even that reassuring…but here are some others that I'd try out (just gimme a cut, that's all I ask) and fellow bloggers, please feel free to throw in a few of your own:

• "Wish You Were Here" (Picture of a beachside barbecue with topless volleyball in the background)
• "Representin' for Both of Us" (Picture of his brother with inmate's wife…and girlfriend)
• "Still Haven't Found That One-Armed Man…But We're Trying"
• "So Is It True?" (Soap on a Rope)
• "Okay, so here's what I've got so far…" (Poor escape plan of the facility)
• "Takin' It To The Man, One Drop At A Time" (Urinating into a squad car's gas tank)
• "To Keep You Warm At Night" (Adriana Lima picture that JL Clyde gave me yesterday)
• "We Love You, Miss You, & Wish You the Best" (Basically the reason most of these things are written by hand anyway)
  

Gotta Love What You Do - Soraya Lowell is a 38-year old Scottish mother of four who makes a living by cleaning. Over Easter weekend, she won the National Bingo Game in the United Kingdom with the largest jackpot in the game's history of over a million British pounds (about $2.3 million). Her family is basically set for life now…but shockingly enough, she has no intention of quitting her day job. "I don't intend to give up my job. I like the girls I work with, and they have already said to me 'don't pack it in'. I haven't slept at all but I will be back at work on Tuesday as usual." It just goes to show that if you enjoy your job, then you'll never work a day in your life. There's a lot to be said for that. I mean, I enjoy my job for the most part (did a lot more a few months/years ago) because of the people that I work with & the fact that I can travel around the world at a fraction of the cost. Now, if I had just won a $2.3 million jackpot, would I return to work the next day? Yeah, more than likely. Depending on how early I had to be there, of course. Would I work there over the next few years? Possibly. They'd sure have to watch how the hell they treated me over that time…but they're good people. Would I work there if they took away travel and other benefits? I would sign my letter of resignation with a yellow-ink pen. Congratulations on your winnings, Mrs. Lowell. I wish you & your family nothing but the best…but it sounds like you're already off to a good start. To all the rest of you, I wish the same in the careers that you've chosen. Make that money, don't let it make you.

Anyway, that'll do it for me today. Have a great night everybody...and I'll see ya tomorrow.