Cute Kids & Great Chicken

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday, I had a wonderful time down at my brother's house with all three of his kids, his sister-in-law after her school, and his creepy buddy Jay. He's an okay kid and all…but just kind of creepy…like Tom Cruise…but without the millions. Anyway, he's a computer & video game geek…so he's a good buddy for my brother to have. Anyway, we had some fun…and I got to see my little nephew Vinny for the first time in a few months…and he has grown quite a bit.

We also had dinner at the Olive Garden with my mom & stepdad, so I got the Stuffed Chicken Marsala because it's delicious…and got to catch up with my mom a bit. Afterwards, my sister-in-law had to do homework…and my 4-year old niece Kelaudri (who was really excited to see me in the first place) wanted me to read some books to her. So I spent about a half-hour reading "The Cat in the Hat" and "Go Dog, Go!" to her. She snuggled up to me and laughed at my silly voices and asked questions…and as JL Clyde wrote when I texted her about it "That's the absolute cutest thing I've heard all day." I have to agree, it was kind of cute. Another thing I learned…is that it had been a while since I read a children's book…and I tried to get the whole hippity-hoppity singing in my voice when I read it (like my mom used to) but some of that Dr. Seuss stuff…is just plain ridiculous. Oh well, you can make stuff up too…and kids love it even more…because I'm not sure if they can tell the difference. It's great fun…and she thoroughly enjoyed it…which is what's important. I may make a pretty good dad one day…but I'm already a damn fine uncle. She really liked to be read to…and I'm not sure if her daddy (not my brother, but the baby daddy) ever reads to her or anything. Oh well, that seems to be my usual role anyway…to step in where other guys are lacking, I guess. I'm used to it…and enjoy it. Anyway, that's about it…so here's some news…

General Tso vs. Colonel Sanders - Two military leaders. Two different cultures. Two great kinds of chicken. I'm surprised that this hasn't been done on PBS yet…but let's find out a little more about these two figures of progressive poultry…and get rid of the myths…and find the men.

General Tso (Zuo Zongtang) was a Chinese statesman and military leader during the Qing Dynasty in the 19th century. In his early years, it seemed he would not become a great military leader…because he flunked the official court exams SEVEN TIMES before returning to his home in Hunan to raise silkworms and learn of Western sciences and political economy. The Taiping Rebellion broke out in 1850 when he was 38 years old…and he was hired as an adviser to the governor of Hunan. Over the next 14 years, he served with brilliant distinction during China's most important (and the world's largest-scaled at the time) civil war, in which it is estimated at least 20 million people lost their lives. Afterwards he was appointed Viceroy & Governor General of Shaanxi…and put down the Nian rebellion in 1868. As for the spicy chicken dish that bears his name, legend has it that the recipe originated in the Hunan Province by General Tso's wife…but that may very well be pure hogwash…because nowadays, nobody in China knows what the hell General Tso's chicken is by that name (believe me, I tried) and it may very well be another American invention…like the Fortune Cookie. Still pretty damn delicious though.

Colonel Harland David Sanders was born in Henryville, Indiana in 1890. His father died when he was six, so with his mother working, little Harland cooked for the family. He dropped out of school in the 7th grade and during his teen years, he worked as a steamboat driver, insurance salesman, firefighter, farmer, and enlisted in the Army. At the age of 40, Sanders cooked chicken dishes and others for people who stopped at his service station in Corbin, Kentucky. Since he did not have a restaurant, he served customers in his living quarters in the service station. Eventually, his local popularity grew, and Sanders moved to a motel and restaurant that seated 142 people and worked as the chef. Over the next nine years, he perfected his method of cooking chicken with eleven herbs & spices. Furthermore, he made use of a pressure fryer that allowed the chicken to be cooked much faster than by pan-frying. He was given the honorary title "Kentucky Colonel" in 1935. Sanders chose to call himself "Colonel" and to dress in a stereotypical "Southern gentleman" costume as a way of self-promotion. Later on, he founded the Kentucky Fried Chicken company at the age of 65…and sold the corporation in 1964, remaining its spokesperson until his death in 1980. He may have never been a real military leader…but you can't deny his influence.

So what have we learned? My guess is that General Tso would have kicked Colonel Sanders' ass in a fight…but then again, the Colonel may have been able to talk himself out of fisticuffs with a mint julep and some fried chicken. Now you know…and knowing is half the battle. Go Joe!!!

Cornholes & Corvettes - Speaking of the great state of Kentucky, legislation is trying to be pushed to boost the moral of their economy by honoring certain iconic exports…but is running into a little bit of a logjam thanks to other things like crime, budgets, gambling, tax hikes, and other "more important matters" before lawmakers. The propositions include making Colonel Sanders' own Kentucky Fried Chicken as the official state picnic food (as previously reported on this blog), Chevrolet's Corvette as the state's official sports car (assembled in beautiful Bowling Green, KY), and naming Cornhole as the official state game. Now, before your mind goes in the gutter like mine did immediately, allegedly Cornhole is a bean bag toss game. For real fun, feel free to check out the Wikipedia link about the game. The penalty for completely missing the board is called a Mary Ellen. Probably some sad personal experience behind that…but whatever. C.B. Emery is a member of Kentucky's General Assembly and says "It would still be easy to spend five or 10 minutes to do this bill. We certainly waste a lot more time than that standing around." Welcome to Politics, Mr. Embry. Good luck with the Cornhole!!!

Stupid Robbery Story - The robber of a convenience store left behind an unusual clue. The man robbed a Git-N-Go store in Des Moines a few weeks ago after telling a clerk he had a gun. He left the store with about $115 but at some point took off his hat and jacket…and inside the pocket of the jacket…was his W-2 form. Officers checked the name on the form and found a listing for a 25-year-old with a suspended driver's license who is on probation for theft. The man's description matched information provided by the clerk. Either this is one of the stupidest robberies ever…or a perfectly calculated orgy of evidence to have some other sucker take the blame. "My God, what's in the other pocket? Why it's blood & hair samples…along with a driver's license, credit card, and class schedule at the local community college. What's this written on the back? Medical history? Looks like he has an asthma problem, boys. Put out an APB, tell them to aim for the lungs!!!"

Ancient Brain Surgery - Greek archaeologists said Tuesday they have unearthed evidence of what they believe was brain surgery performed nearly 1800 years ago on a young woman, who oddly enough died during or shortly after the operation. Site excavator Ioannis Graikos said the woman's skeleton was found during a rescue dig last year in Veria, a town west of Thessaloniki. A bone expert (Dr. Testicles?) who studied the finds said the skeleton belonged to a woman up to 25 years old who had suffered a severe blow to the crown of her head. The operation was apparently an attempt to save her life. "We interpret the find as a case of complicated surgery which only a trained and specialized doctor could have attempted. She probably did not survive the operation, as the wound was very large, and there are no signs of healing around the edges." I would imagine so. I'm picturing the marble operating table / cutting block in a city square, where this procedure happened…and the fishing knife used to make the incision…and modified hammer & chisel combination used to penetrate the skull…and wondering where something like that could have possibly gone wrong. "BY ZEUS' BEARD!!! Look at that. No wonder she's been having migraines. There's a giant mushroom growing within her skull." "That's called the Brain." "Really? That's what it looks like? Weird. Would you assist me by grabbing more olives & a bottle of wine? I think she's regaining consciousness." "She's twitching because her brain is exposed." "You may be right. Bring a bottle for her too…and some fig leaves. Quickly, I'm losing my buzz."

Kitty Cartel - Druglord Juan Carlos Ramirez Abadia is currently being held in Brazil after his arrest in August. Allegedly, he hid voice and text messages digitally encoded into e-mailed images on his computer. the US Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) broke the binary code containing the messages under the Hello Kitty images because Brazilian police lacked the necessary computer equipment. The best part…is that the images were that of Hello Kitty. That's right, a notorious Columbian druglord was hiding messages to his subordinates in Japanese cartoon figures. Abadia apparently picked Hello Kitty as his courier because his wife was a big fan of the Japanese icon. She had even decorated one of her rooms in a Brazilian house with Hello Kitty-themed chairs, watches and wallpaper. It always seems to be the women that bring down the druglords, isn't it? I don't know about you…but I'd check out that Dragon Ball Z cartoon. That shit doesn't make sense anyway. It has to be some kind of cover for the Malaysian heroin market. Just putting that out there.

Anyway, really looking forward to Bubbles' going-away party tonight…and I'm sure that it won't disappoint. I'll probably see most of you there…so until then, have a great day…and a great weekend for all of those with other plans!!! How about one more picture of my nephew before I go?