Want Me To Watch Your Movie?

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

As many of you are aware, I like movies…and watch a lot of them. In fact, the Mad Scientist & I were having a standard discussion of nonsense…and the topic came up of movies in theatres now…and "10,000 BC" came up. "It looks like Apocolypto…with Dinosaurs." "You could get me to watch any movie…with Dinosaurs. I don't care if it's a story of a young woman's journey of self-discovery starring Hilary Duff…with Dinosaurs, I would probably watch it." So here's a quick list that I've comprised of TEN Key Words that should be in a plotline if you'd like me to watch your movie. Honestly, these are pretty much the only ten that would guarantee viewership…but in no particular order:

Dinosaurs - Prehistoric creatures usually means large, loud, violent predators…and somebody fairly important to the plot is going to get eaten. I really liked Dinosaurs as a kid…and still do follow discoveries when they come up on Yahoo News or something…so that could play into it. Besides, who doesn't like dinosaurs? They're like dragons…but without all that mystical wizardry and other often lame excuses for them. There's also lots of different kinds…so it's always interesting to see which ones are used. One of my favorites growing up though was "Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend" starring Sean Young and a cute little green puppet dinosaur. There were warlords involved. Check it out if you get the chance.

Robots - Robots are always cool to me too, especially the sexy kind. Whether it's the whole Philip K. Dick aspect of technology & humanity and the relationships between…or armies of robotic warriors and machines set to fire and/or explode…or just an excuse to use CGI technology, chances are that if your movie has robots, I'll check it out. I throw Muppets & other Marionettes into this category too. If you have puppetry, ventriloquism, or funny fuzzy characters voiced by Frank Oz, I'll check it out. Another one of my favorites growing up was "Short Circuit" starring Steve Guttenburg and Ally Sheedy. Good flick.

Time Travel - I've already done a list about my love for Time Travel movies. By the way, check out T = Time for some insight on the concept of time travel. You might like it. You all know that I've seen "Back to the Future" too many times…but still feel free to check it out…and say hi to your mom for me.

Lesbians - Even a casual mentioning of the possibility of girl-on-girl action will make me watch your movie. I say make me watch your movie…because I really think that it's some kind of basic primal instinct that forces me to do it. It's quite simple actually. "What do you like $teve?" "Woman." "Okay, what kind of woman?" "Naked woman." "Okay, what's better than a naked woman?" "Ugh…two naked woman." "Better than that?" "Add meat to sandwich?" See? Very simple…like my schizophrenia. Shockingly enough, I didn't watch a lot of lesbian movies growing up as a kid (though "Revenge of the Nerds" had some nice hair pie) but I would recommend that you check out "Bound" starring Gina Gershon, Jennifer Tilly, & Joey Pants if you get the chance.

Werewolves - More so than vampires, zombies, mummies, ghosts, voicemails, text messages, cameras, or any other creepy thing that supposed to instill fear in me, werewolves will get me to watch your movie. Why? Vampires may be hot…but get played out too often…and the plots are really stretched. Zombies are usually ridiculously stretched to the point of making them horror comedies. Ghosts trying to kill me through my cell phone or digital camera or VCR or website or whatever, come on now. Really? I pity anybody who really wanted to go see "Shutter" or "One Missed Call" or even "The Ring" or any of those other Japanese horror film remakes. Anyway, I'm getting off point. Werewolves are cool…because there's really the whole uncontrollable schizoid aspect to it…like a Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde angle…and it vicious, violent, and profound. The transformation is fairly immediate…and for brute strength, they're basically unstoppable…and they don't pause for stupid monologues like they're a Bond villain like vampires do. They just destroy…and then wake up the morning like "What happened?" Speaking of which, hi Bubbles!!! Can't wait for the party tonight!!! Also can't wait for "Jack & Diane" because it includes at least two of my key words - Lesbians & Werewolves.

Milla Jovovich - If my baby's mama is in your movie, I will watch it. Believe me, no matter how lame, silly, stupid, uninteresting, or just plain awful the plot is, I will watch it. For Christ's sake, I watched THREE Resident Evil zombie movies…and those were probably her best (besides "Fifth Element" obviously…because I still think that's the perfect movie…and she speaks gibberish the time). However, I still just can't seem to get enough of my Milla…and she really does have some talent as far as acting goes…but sometimes I question her choice in movie roles. Okay, I understand "Messenger" playing Joan of Arc. You did a good job there…and the story is from a historically interesting perspective. Some movies you were basically just eye candy and didn't have many lines…like "Chaplin", "Return to Blue Lagoon", "Kuffs" and others…but what the hell were thinking with ".45", that movie was awful…on so many levels. Though I do like that you say f**k a lot…and Lesbians are involved. Those are two key words. Anyway, I like Milla Jovovich a lot.

Strip - Whether you're talking about Las Vegas Boulevard or the verb were clothing is being removed from the body, I will watch your movie. I'm not afraid to admit that I'm basically a moth when it comes to the shiny lights of the Vegas Strip (or Fremont Street) and there's always great cinematography involved with that location…and usually girls with large bosoms are involved somehow. As for the stripping, I am a big fan of the dancing on stage in scantily prepared outfits…even without full nudity…but only if it directly pertains to the plot of the movie or character development. That's very important. I don't promote the peddling of smut. Who am I kidding? I love strip clubs. I almost rented a house just because it had a pole in the middle of the basement for the housewarming party. Besides, they help me remain somewhat optimistic through those dry spells…you know…like when it rains in Death Valley.

Martial Arts - It sure ain't no modern art…because I get Martial Arts. Granted, I'm not going to claim to see EVERY martial arts movie to come out of Asia (because I don't think that's possible with one being made every few minutes) but I've seen more than a few in my day. Ninjas & Samurai are also thrown into this group...because they are awesome. Oh...and yeah, that is Bruce Lee & Chuck Norris fighting. If it flaunts martial artistry though, I'll check it out. Only a movie flaunting the sensual arts would get higher billing…and there's not a whole lot of those at my local Blockbuster. Believe me, I've looked.

Panda - As you may be aware, I like Pandas. Only a few movies work Pandas into the plot…but no matter how cheesy, kid-friendly it may be, I'll check it out regardless. Really looking forward to "Kung Fu Panda" because again…two key words…mentioned in the title. The fact that it's going to be a CGI kids comedy only sweetens the pot.

Bacon - I like bacon…and though it usually is only casually mentioned during the movie, I like the mentioning of it. The fact that Kevin Bacon stars in the movie is only a mediocre draw…but a draw nonetheless…and it's really just about the last name. Possibly the greatest moment for bacon in cinema…is Burgess Meredith's monologue about his diet in "Grumpier Old Men" and I hope to be him when I'm older. A funny, bitter old man held together by piss, vinegar, and bacon grease.

The Ultimate Movie Plot - A sexy cyborg ninja is sent back through time to save the Earth from being overthrown by robots, who cloned dinosaurs & werewolves to aid them in world domination. When her warnings fall on deaf ears, she is forced to join a militant wing of the National Alliance of Independent Lesbian Exotic Dancers (NAILED) and using futuristic mind control technology, employ an army of tigers, monkeys, and pandas to help them in their struggle against the evil robot empire already growing at an exponential rate in China. Milla Jovovich and the 2008 Hawaiian Tropic Team star in "Operation: Makin' Bacon" Rated R (with an 2-disc Unrated collector's set dropping six months later). What do you think? Would you watch it?

Anyway, I'm off to go see my brother & his family for a few hours today...then back to work until Vegas next weekend. Oh...and I talked to Bubbles last night...and she loves Vegas (of course) and is already meeting good people and finding the intricacies that make this a city made for her...like having a liquor store in Albertson's. She even has me as her Number Two in her MySpace...because we're tight like that. JJ is also enjoying Denver...but is recovering from pneumonia, so please send some prayers and/or positive thoughts her way. Have a great day everybody!!!