I Am Fresh

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I slept like a good baby last night. As soon as my head hit the pillow immediately after I got home just after midnight, I didn't wake up until some jackass decided to race his dirt bike down the street in front of my house…but it was probably a good thing…because it was after 11 AM. I am now fully refreshed from the Vegas trip and ready to get back into the usual swing. (Sigh) Anyway, I did get to check out "I Am Legend" today for the first time. When I asked people about it, they said it was really good…but the thing that they mentioned the most was "Why did they kill the dog?" "What?" (Tears welling up) "They didn't have to do it. He was a good dog." "Oh man, now I don't wanna watch the movie." "No, it's a good movie and all…but just be prepared." Not only was it a dog…but it was a beautiful German Shepherd…named Sam…that looked & acted exactly like the German Shepherd named Sam that I had growing up (my dad was a K-9 cop for a while and we had some great dogs named Sam, X, and Zurek). So yeah…I cried a little bit…but in a manly fashion. The movie really was good. There were a few questions that I had during it that were never answered…but that's like a lot of sci-fi semi-futuristic plague movies. A note to scientists out there: Be careful when you say that you can improve viruses…because you'll never know what aspects you'll improve until it's too late. I also loved that the only soundtrack to the movie was Bob Marley…and my two favorite songs no less. Starts off with him singing "Three Little Birds" to his puppy…and then when a lady who somehow has never heard of Bob Marley enters the movie, my reaction is "Play her Stir It Up. Putty in your hands, Fresh Prince." So he does…and I am pleased. Oh yeah…and there's something about zombie vampire mutants in the movie…so yeah, you should check it out. I give it four stars…but don't say that I didn't warn you about the dog.

As I mentioned during my Vegas trip, I was watching the NCAA Men's college basketball tournament a.k.a. March Madness (and love for the ladies' tourney as well) and I find one thing particularly hilarious & hypocritical all at the same time. As you may have heard, I think that Bobby Knight is a jackass. He's the former coach of Indiana who threw chairs & choked kids and all that stuff…while saying that education is important and that his kids should stay in school…apparently so that he could tenderize their necks some more. Anyway, he recently resigned as coach of Texas Tech, who surprisingly offered him a job after being kicked out of Indiana for repeated offenses. Throughout his career, he has shown a certain…we'll say disdain for the Media (can't really blame him there…but he brings it on himself by being a jackass & assaulting teenagers). So how ridiculous is it…to see him on ESPN throwing in his two cents about the tournament every couple of hours? Such hatred for the Media…and then a few weeks after leaving his team, he joins them…or is rather assimilated to them like they're the Borg or something. I did see his first talk on there…where he said "I'm not Media, I'm an analyst" and former Notre Dame coach Digger Phelps responded with the obvious "You're Media now, just accept it" or something to that effect. Congratulations Bobby!!! I'm sorry to see you join the Media…but not because I think sports media is as evil as other realms & you're going against your beliefs…but because I'm sorry that I have to look at you while watching college basketball now.

I Thought She Looked Familiar - So the millionaire owner of the "Girls Gone Wild" video franchise (which can be summed up in two sounds "WHEOOO-HOOOOO!!!") offered Ashley Alexandra Dupre (the Spitzer callgirl) one million dollars for pictures to help launch their new magazine and an arrangement of other services (mostly internet) that they're offering…but then they stumbled upon old tapes from four years ago on a business trip to Miami…and saw that they already had pictures and video of her from her 18th birthday celebration. So instead of having to pay one million dollars cash (because a check may bounce like silicone…and that's how playas roll), she's already signed the appropriate waivers years ago…so no deal. I still expect her to be on a VH1 Reality show soon…maybe she'll join my "First Lady" idea. You remember, right? The first reality show would be me running for governor or mayor or something on pure BS and charisma…and then the sequel to it would be a Bachelor rip-off called "First Lady" and she could be a contestant. It could work. I'd be willing to allow it. Anyway, obviously her night job pays pretty well…so she should be okay in the meantime.

Kudos to the "Girls Gone Wild" guy too. They keep suing him…and he keeps getting away. Why? She signed the papers when she was drunk. "Your honor, that can't be an admissible signature. For God's sake, she dotted her I with a heart and threw a smiley face at the end." "Counselor, I'm going to allow it…because according to the plaintiff's driver's license, that is how she signs her name. In fact, it looks like a phone number was written on the end of the waiver with a little note…(reading glasses) Hotel Belvedere, Room 112, bring the camera, it's my birthday, Staci…with the smiley face dot. Ruling for the defendant. Case closed." Watch what you drink & hang with people that you trust, ladies. It's the best way to go to make sure that you can cash in on your million dollars a few years later.

Olympic Rings - There has been a lot of talk recently about the upcoming 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing. Some countries are talking about boycotting because of their oppressive reign over Tibet. Athletes are also concerned about the deathly polluted skies over the venues. It really is pretty bad. I've seen it first hand…after a rain…and within an hour it's back to an inversion of smog. However, there's also a far more basic concern that I'm surprised really hasn't been recognized before…and it's the waste problem…human waste that is. For anybody who has traveled to the mystical land of China, we have walked into their restrooms (or WC water closets), opened a stall (if they had stalls), and noticed that there was a hole in the ground. "Oh, this one must be getting replaced. They should put a sign up." So you walk to the next one…and there's a hole in the ground. "What?" Then you go to your local guide and ask them about it…and they look at you like you just asked them about using the three seashells (Demolition Man rules). Yes, an incredible majority of the toilets in China are basically holes in the ground…and ladies, that goes for you too. Beijing is expecting over 50,000 visitors for the Olympics…and a vast number of athletes, delegates, journalists, and other VIPs. The deputy director of venue management Yao Hui suggested that they set up temporary relief for the visitors since fully renovating all 37 venues would be ridiculous since the BILLION permanent residents are used to it. You win this round China…but don't be offended if our aim is a little off. We're new at this whole brown bombing thing without leaves for toilet paper and a hunting rifle by our side.

Honestly, my biggest concern for the athletes…will be them eating the 'interesting' local cuisine…and then forgetting to take their prescription strength antacid pills (recommended by the Passport Commission) and then they spend the rest of the day hovering over a hole in the ground until their legs burn…and then are asked to play basketball the next morning…or run the 120 M hurdles…or do a floor exercise. Oh man, I just got an image of that last one. "Tonya Summers of the USA starts her routine. She seems really nervous…but that's to be expected on a stage of this measure. Oh, excellent landing on the first pass. Yes, as I was saying, on a stage of this measure, televised in over 200 countries in over a hundred languages, millions around the world…and it's always an honor to represent the Red, White, and BROWN!!! Oh dear God!!! Oh my, that is…embarrassing. Now we know why she was sweating so much. Wow. That is disgusting. Can we please get a mop out on the pads? Quickly. Oh my. Hopefully that wipes write off and doesn't stain. Somebody could get really hurt."

NEWS FLASH!!! Guys Have No Clue - According to a recent study at Indiana University, more often than not, guys interpret even friendly cues, such as a subtle smile from a gal, as a sexual come-on. Why? Because guys are clueless…or obvious to the emotional subtleties of non-verbal cues. Lead researcher Coreen Farris says, "Young men just find it difficult to tell the difference between women who are being friendly and women who are interested in something more." Some might think the results come down to "boys being boys," and so even the slightest female interest sparks sexual fantasy…but the study, to be detailed in the April issue of the journal Psychological Science, also found that it goes both ways for guys (hehe, goes both ways…). They mistake females' sexual signals as friendly ones. The researchers suggest guys have trouble noticing and interpreting these subtleties in either direction. The study was funded by the National Institute of Mental Health (Rats of NIMH?) and the National Institute of Alcohol Abuse & Alcoholism (really?). Anyway, if you'd like there's more on the link…or you can renew your subscription to Psychological Science again.

Reading women and their actions, to me, is like reading ancient Sanskrit…without a Rosetta stone. That's why I tend to play dumb (that's right, it's playing) and wait for something insanely obvious & sexual to be suggested…and then go from there. I typically get the hint about the time a girl shows some passion & effort towards me…and even then it has to be REALLY obvious for me to catch it. I'm not very subtle…and besides, I like passionate people. Granted, it's probably not the best path…but it's among the safest…and I haven't had a sexual harassment lawsuit brought against me…yet. By the way, what's the ugh…statute of limitations on something like that? Any pre-law peeps out there? Anyway, back to my faint point. Ladies, we really don't have a clue. You know it. We know it. You play with it. We try to. Whatever. Until that magical transition happens to where guys understand women and their incredible complexity, I'm just gonna dangle the hook out there and see if I get a nibble. Okay, I was going to go into a incredibly obvious & poorly executed metaphor about throwing some back and taking the good ones home for a dinner for two…but then that made me think of something about the trip back from Vegas…so here goes that story.

While waiting for our flight in Vegas, my brother Kiel, Ashley, & I were sitting and drinking water & eating greasy pizza and stuff like that. Why? It was on sale, of course. Quit asking questions…and turn down the lights. Anyway, a large bearded gentleman sat down two seats from me…and made a call to somebody. I assume it was his manager or something, because then he's says something along the lines of "So yeah, I've got a few more that I wanted you to hear. Are you sitting down? By the computer? Okay, ready? Okay. I do this one routine where I talk about a condiment wedding…" and he goes on with a tirade of stereotype stupidity like soy sauce getting in an accident on the way there, blah blah blah. "I have this other one where I talk about Jimmy Durante salsa dancing. One-two-Ha-cha-cha-cha, One-two-Ha-cha-cha-cha!!! What do you think? Is it funny? Really? Well, in context it sounds kind of funny, right? No? Alright, I'll keep working on it." So basically, we were probably listening to one of the world's worst comedians…sell his manager on his stand-up routine…and he bombed. At least it wasn't in front of a drunken crowd…just a hungover one. The three of us kind of exchanged glances at one another listening to him with expressions like "Are you kidding me? This guy's hella lame." I'm sure it's tough being a comedian and all…but come on. Anyway, that story's over now. You're welcome.

Well, that should do it for today. JL Clyde is the lucky winner of the free Utah Symphony Video Games Live concert ticket this Friday…but she prefers soccer to American football…so the other ticket for the Blaze game is still up for grabs. Otherwise, I may just have to find me a stranger on a Saturday night to entertain. Hmm, maybe that's not a bad idea. Anyway, have a great day everybody…and I'll catch up with you tomorrow. Oh…and Happy Anniversary to my brother & sister-in-law!!!