As Foretold in the Prophecy

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night, I celebrated St. Patrick's Day (though officially March 18th when I got off work) by heading over to hang out with JL Clyde & Filly to have some delicious corned beef & cabbage…and a few beverages. For entertainment, we watched "The Prophecy" which is a movie that I thought I had seen before…but it must have been one of the sequels many years ago on TV because I remembered nothing about this movie. It took a little bit…okay, a LOT of separation from disbelief…but basically it's about a priest / detective (Elias Koteas) who gets pulled into a "War in Heaven" between angels…because apparently they're jealous that God likes humans more than angels. Eric Stoltz starts out as a creepy angel named Simon. Then the always creepy Christopher Walken plays Gabriel, basically the angel of Death chasing Simon. Even if that wasn't creepy enough…then Lucifer (Viggo Mortensen) decides to show up…and be even creepier. There's also a great ensemble cast with Virginia Madsen, Adam Goldberg, Amanda Plummer, and others…but yeah, it's just kind of a twisted little movie to watch. I enjoyed it thoroughly…and if you're into those Devil movies, check it out. Suggestion though, if you decide to do a drinking game along with it…don't take a drink every time that something religious or creepy happens. You'll be out of alcohol before Lucifer even shows up and says "I love you more than Jeeesuuuus…"

Here's another thing that came up last night. Why is it that you can forget things like…where you put your car keys last night, how many eggs are in a recipe, your times tables, anniversaries, meeting times, even a loved one's birthday…but if somebody plays the first few notes to the theme song for "Ducktales" (which you haven't seen in well over a decade) you're singing right along with it? Or the theme song to "Chip & Dale Rescue Rangers" or any other show that you watched as a kid? It's weird…but yeah, I thought about that for a bit…while watching a few episodes of "Ducktales" after the movie. In case you were wondering, one was the episode with the "Willy Whisps" in Australia at Scrooge McDuck's sheep farm.

Earlier today, I saw a show that caught my attention called "Ax Men" about the daily work routine of Oregon loggers. Those guys work in CONSTANT fear of death & dismemberment…for fairly low pay when you think about it. Job Benefits: Physical exercise included, sophisticated equipment to work with, plenty of fresh mountain air, working with your drinking buddies. Downside: You sneeze and your leg will get chopped off with a chainsaw, a tree will fall on you or a coworker, a 40-ton Yoder could roll over on you, a line could snap and chop you & all your friends in half, pay is subject to production, it rains a LOT in Oregon, oh…and the commute involves hours of dodging fully-loaded logger trucks who don't believe in brakes…because they wouldn't work if they tried. Intense stuff to learn about. Make me appreciate my job a little bit more. Anyway, enough about that…here's the news.

Beatle Gets Screwed - Sir Paul McCartney's divorce from Heather Mills was settled Monday for $48.6 million, an ungodly sum of money, but a fraction of what she had sought of the former Beatle's $800 million fortune. The court also ruled that the couple's 4-year-old daughter Beatrice should receive a "periodical payments order" of $70,000 per annum. On top of that, McCartney will have to pay for the child's nanny and school fees. Mills said, "I'm so, so happy with this. I'm so glad it's over. It was an incredible result in the end to secure mine and my daughter's future and that of all the charities that I obviously plan on helping and making a difference with — because you know it has been my life for 20 years." Mills had originally sought over a quarter-billion dollars (HA!!!) and after firing her legal team…figured that a modest $40-50 million would be the outcome. Still, not bad compensation for being married to a Beatle for five years in my humble opinion. Mills, a former model whose left leg was amputated below the knee after a motorcycle accident in 1993, claimed McCartney had failed to protect her and their daughter from slander, death threats and other abuse, and accused the media of persecuting her. In November, Mills said she had been "treated worse than a murderer or a pedophile," despite years of work for land mine victims and animal welfare charities. Ma'am, you're a celebrity…and you're married to a Beatle. The media is full of short, green-eyed, jealous people. Paul can't protect you from the media. He's not really a Knight. So because he failed to slew the might Media Dragon, he has to pay? I hate divorce. Still think that 'til death do you part should be part of it. Don't like who ya married? Either don't get married…or settle out of court…Casino-style. Do your own dirty work.

McCartney left the court without making any statement…so I'd like to recite some Beatles lyrics that might fill in on his behalf (clears throat) "Let this be a sermon, I mean everything I said. Baby, I'm determined, and I'd rather see you dead. You'd better run for your life if you can, little girl. Hide your head in the sand, little girl. Catch you with another man, that's the end - ah, little girl." Sounds a little evil & morbid for a Beatles song, huh? Check it out. Rubber Soul album - last track, "Run For Your Life" surprisingly catchy.

Stop Wearing Your Dad's Pants - The Florida Senate passed a bill Thursday that could mean suspensions for students with pants sagging to show just how gangster they are…or how much weight they've lost in the past month or so…not quite sure why they do it. The state of Florida could join several southern U.S. towns and cities that have passed "saggy pants" laws aimed at outlawing what some teenagers consider a fashion statement -- wearing pants half way down their buttocks, exposing flesh or underwear. Despite being the butt of jokes (rim shot), the bill's sponsor, Democrat Senator Gary Siplin, has said the fashion statement has a back-story. Allegedly, it was made popular by rap artists after first appearing among prison inmates as a signal they were looking for sex. Really? Wow. Thank you for that head's up Senator. The city of Riviera Beach, Florida passed its own saggy pants law Tuesday, with a maximum penalty of 60 days in jail for repeat offenders. "What are you in for?" "Can't you tell by my droopy britches? I'm just looking for a good time." Ridiculous. Honestly, I hate to say it, but I'd rather here about states proposing a "Stop Dressing Like A Slut" Act for kids rather than the "Wear a Belt or I'll Give You the Belt" Law. Better yet, why don't we focus on real topics…like funding for their education? Honestly, I could care less if their pants sag down as long as they can fix the clog in the kitchen sink…or hopefully they'll realize in college that there's a reason that Bill Gates wears pants that fit.

Hard to Sell Sex? Really? - The oldest bordello in Hamburg's red-light district is shutting down for lack of business. According to Madame Waltraud Mehrer, the family-run Hotel Luxor, established in 1948, is being sold to an investor and will close down for good. She blames the decline in business on easily available Internet porn, the rise of call-girl services, and "noisy discos and dance clubs" on the same street as her business. "You can't make any big money selling sex in St. Pauli (name of red-light district…and a microbrew in Utah…awesome) any more. The only thing still in operation are the table dance clubs." The club's heyday was in the 70's when it was open 7 days a week with a dozen prostitutes on hand…apparently with a dozen happy customers in their hands. Nowadays, they're down to four girls and open Tuesday to Friday (not even weekends?). One employee said, "Two thousand Euros (US$3,080) per night — it was like that once. Now I can only dream of that. I've been here a year and only earn around 200 Euros (US$308) per shift." Okay, first off, if one of your employees is reminiscing about the 70's in that line of work…that might be one of your problems. That makes her AT LEAST fifty…and I assume that she's no Michelle Pfeiffer or Bo Derek or something. Secondly, if you're having trouble selling sex…then you're not doing something right. The product would be my first guess based upon my first point. If you're losing out to "noisy discos" in the area…then I say send over some girls to search for potential clients. If call-girl services are rising, they've already beat you to the punch…but that just means you may have to focus on the environment that you provide at the Hotel Luxor. Here's what I'm saying basically. There's no need for you to do this. Fly me out to Hamburg, let me check out the area a little bit, test the product, run some unofficial focus groups in the area, and I think that I can find you an easy solution to stay in business. I even speak German…so you don't have to worry about that whole communication thing…unless they start talking about weird kinky German colloquialisms…then I may need some help from my buddy Ruben just so I understand. "Oh, that's what you call a Portuguese Breakfast? Okay, I know that one. We can work with that." Or there's always this time-honored tradition...

Ladies Vodka - Igor Volodin believes vodka is no more harmful than chocolate. He is proud to be the first Russian to produce the spirit in a special women's version, designed to be sipped with salad after a workout in the gym. Touted as a glamour product for upwardly mobile women in booming Russia, Damskaya or "Ladies" vodka worries doctors, who fear a fresh wave of female alcoholics in a country already suffering one of the world's worst drink problems…believed to be around 10% of the population. Volodin though saw a niche in the market…and went for it, "Women need a drink of their own. In Moscow, there are pink taxis for ladies, there are light cigarettes, but there was no vodka, and we asked ourselves: 'Why?' ... More people suffer from diabetes in Russia than from alcoholism, but no one bans chocolate advertisements." A true BS'er & Master of spinning logic after my own heart…and an entrepreneur. Ideas like this and recognizing trends can make you millions, if not more. Recognition of this kind of thing can keep your business growing at 15% per year, like Volodin's…and failure to recognize it can take you the way of the Hotel Luxor in Hamburg. Well, that ends today's lesson…and another reason that I like this strategy of Damskaya Vodka…is that it's targeted to newly-rich women, who watch what they eat (salad), are athletic (after a workout in the gym), and still know how to party (sip?). The Mad Scientist can confirm…that Russian girls know how to party. The catalog doesn't lie.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Tomorrow'll be my last post before going to Vegas for Easter weekend with my brother, sister-in-law, and Bubbles. It's gonna be awesome. Thanks again to all the wonderful people out there who read this gibberish...and inspire me. Please let me know if you ever need any help with anything. I'm a good guy like that. Also, wish me luck in Vegas...because you know that part of my credo is "It ain't no fuuuuuun, if the homeys can't haaaaave none." Big money, big money, no whammies, STOP!!!