Sweet Sweet Delusion

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Do you ever have that feeling that some things just happen for a reason? Like...no matter what happens, it's going to be okay, because as long as you lead a good life, live to make others happy as well as yourself, and love those around you, things will work itself out. I feel that way all the time...mostly because I'm somewhat delusional...but I just have faith in what I can control and everything else will just do what it do. It keeps my stress levels low...almost dangerously low. It also helps me to realize that sometimes all you need is a little patience, peace & quiet, and a good friend or family member to call to cheer you up...and you can do just about anything. It's a service that I'm more than happy to provide & utilize given the situation presented to me. If any of you are ever feeling down, just call up $teve and he's more than happy to help out. Hell, if he's within driving distance, Dr. Love may make a house call. Free of charge.

For example, last night I got a call from my buddy Bubbles...and she was feeling really lonely. I tried my best to console her & keep her positive...but sometimes you just have to sit back, listen, and let them vent. Unfortunately, it got to the point of Bubbles crying...and because women crying is my kryptonite, I was kind of in a gloomy Gus mood. I worry about her. She's my buddy...and so far away. You know how it is. So I basically made her promise to relax, get some sleep, call me in the morning so I had something to look forward to, and know that no matter what happens I'm gonna be her friend. That seemed to work. Hopefully it did.

So there I was...in a gloomy mood despite watching the Celtics win the championship & see other legendary athletes like Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen, Paul Pierce, & Doc Rivers cry like whipped puppies too. Then I flip it to the other channel I was watching...and it's "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" which makes me think of Bubbles...because we watched it once and she reminds me of Angelina (you've seen the pictures). Then I figure that I'll check my email or something before the late night cartoon lineup starts (exciting life that I lead) and I'm greeted with this picture from JL Clyde...

Awesome, right? Well, now for the best thing to sum it all up. I then immediately got a call from my sister-in-law...telling me about their latest trip to Wal-Mart. They were in the toy aisle...and all of a sudden she hears my niece Kairi behind her yell out "$TEVE!!!" She turned around...and saw Kairi sitting on the floor with a mini-RoboPanda trying to tear it out of the box...then she looked up at her mom, lifted the box, and kept saying "$TEVE!!! $TEVE!!! $TEVE!!!" So grandpa was there...and bought it for her. Tell me that's not the cutest thing you've heard all day. You see? I was there for my friend in her time of need...it made me feel a little down...but then I saw grown men crying with me, showing that it was okay to have some emotions. Then I caught one of the best parts of one of my favorite movies of all time (it was the husband-wife shoot-out that ends in fiery, violent, passionate coitus). Then a cheerful picture from a friend pointing out my natural tendencies to look directly at the best of everything...and then topped off with an incredibly cute story showing the kind of impact I have on a lovely little niece of mine. Karma comes back around. That's why I'm somewhat delusional...and I can only hope that some of you out there share my condition. It's great. Ignorance truly is bliss. Now for today's news...

Today's news is dedicated to…well, there's kind of a theme to it I think. Some days you just look at your situation…and I think everybody would like to have that special someone waiting for you when you get home asking you how your day was…or a friend you can BS with to get through the day…or a family member always quick to tell you how much they love you…or at least a great booty call…and this newsreel is pretty much dedicated to that idea. Enjoy. Preferably with others.

Monkey Hugs - Who doesn't like hugs & kisses? Consensual, of course (shout out to my brothers in Cell Block 4). For most folks, a nice hug and some sympathy can help a bit after we get pushed around. Turns out, chimpanzees use hugs and kisses the same way. And it works. Researchers studying people's closest genetic relatives found that stress was reduced in chimps that were victims of aggression if a third chimp stepped in to offer consolation. Dr. Orlaith Fraser says, "Consolation usually took the form of a kiss or embrace. This is particularly interesting because this behavior is rarely seen other than after a conflict. If a kiss was used, the consoler would press his or her open mouth against the recipient's body, usually on the top of the head or their back. An embrace consisted of the consoler wrapping one or both arms around the recipient." Further research may lead to the pure primal instincts behind Pity Sex…since there appears to be a correlation. Wait, actually I've just been informed that is not the reason for further research. Perhaps it'll just be an incidental discovery…like Post-Its and penicillin.

Sexbot Update - The Japanese firm Sega Toys has produced a 38 cm (15 inch) tall robotic girlfriend that kisses on command, to go on sale in September for around $175, with a target market of lonely adult men. Using her infrared sensors and battery power, the diminutive damsel named "EMA" (Eternal Maiden Actualization) puckers up for nearby human heads, entering what designers call its "Love mode." She can also sing, dance, hand out business cards, and entertain party guests apparently. Spokeswoman Minako Sakanoue (who may soon be out of a job) says, "Strong, tough and battle-ready are some of the words often associated with robots, but we wanted to break that stereotype and provide a robot that's sweet and interactive." We all know where this is going. They're just testing the interacting, compassionate, heat-seeking software for the larger models. I must admit, I'm fairly impressed with the sleek, aerodynamic design…and I'm assuming the batteries are located in her chest (Hotchuma hotchuma). Sega hopes to sell 10,000 in the first year…and they'll probably get that easily (millions of lonely people out there) but at least they're trying to make sexbots appear personal & sympathetic…because after a hard day at work, don't we all just want a little heat-seeking hottie to hug & kiss us and make it all better? Don't look at me like that. I'm not going to buy one. My RoboPanda has completely creeped me out. I'll wait until all the kinks have been worked out…and perhaps date in the meantime. You never know. Stranger things have happened.

Soccer is STILL Boring - Even during Euro 2008, it seems nothing can make soccer (futbol) interesting to me. Sure, it's nice to go to a bar and watch drunken people with funny accents argue about why Scots are better than Portuguese during the hours between goals…but in that instance, I'm interested in the people, not the game. However, there was a mildly interesting idea presented last week when a match organized by a chatroom website features a topless women's soccer team from Germany played a similarly clad team from Austria. The six-a-side teams wore nothing but thongs, with the national colors painted on to their bare skin. The football may not have been of the highest quality but that did not temper the enthusiasm of a mostly male crowd boosted by a sizeable media presence only too happy to desert Euro 2008 training for an hour or two. Austria won 10-5 but the real purpose was to help motivate their male counterparts in Euro 2008. Doris Fastenmeir said, "I hope our men will take heart from that tomorrow. We played pretty hard, we even had some injuries, like I for example broke my toe nail." The Germans took defeat sportingly and joined their opponents for alcopops and dancing at a beach club alongside the Danube. However, the quote of the day goes to German goaltender Jana Bach who said, "I was supposed to hold the balls but I really have no idea how to do that. Maybe it is because I am not all that much into soccer. I am more into shoes to be honest." Don't be coy. You know how to handle those balls. Be proud.

Utah Bikini Ban Lifted - In the city of Kanab (southern Utah), a ban on bikini swimwear is being lifted…and called an oversight for a new public pool called the Cowboy Water'n Hole, opening July 4th. City Councilwoman Nina Laycook said, "My recommendation is going to be no thongs or string bikinis. We were so engrossed with safety and health issues we overlooked the wording. We are addressing that now by amending the policy." The restrictions were not popular, even in the conservative community where the council passed a resolution in 2006 to favor the "natural family" consisting of a working husband, a stay-at-home wife and a "full quiver of children." Is that what a natural family is? I consider my family pretty natural. My mom WISHES she could have stayed at home. Exactly how many children are in a quiver? Are they arrows now? Projectiles to be fired upon neighbor's dogs? My parents were one of seventeen children…and one of eight children…so they decided to have two. Their choice…and apparently a wise one since I have a lot of stepsiblings now. Anyway, congrats on catching this oversight. Now do you see why moving to Vegas may be a really good move for me. I want a little more craziness, excitement, and perfectly tanned & oiled skin walking around the pool…and streets. Turning the temperature up about twenty degrees outta do that nicely.

Anyway, that oughta do it for me today. I've already rambled on long enough. Tonight's a work outing party with some of my favorite people in all the world like JL Clyde, the Mad Scientist, Lilie, Captain Monty, Camb, Cat, Mickey, and a few Boss Ladies. It should be fun. I may get pictures. Also, for anybody interested, Alisa's husband's band Slow Ride is going to the Huka Lounge in Murray Thursday night...and I plan on going & having a good time. I'm told they do "white guy reggae" music, so you can't go wrong. Throw back a few Red Stripes and sing along. Hooray beer!!! Have a great day everybody!!!

Saturday Blaze & Gloomy Gus Days

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday, I did very little before meeting up with Bubbles and her new car Sylvie (name still in debate…but I like it). She had spent the day at the dealership and was very happy with her purchase…as she should be because it's a great car. She was in town for a few days to hopefully pack up the rest of her stuff for the move down to Vegas, so I helped out with that for a while before the Blaze game. The game itself was held at the Energy Solutions Arena…and was actually surprisingly lame. The Blaze have yet to win a game this year…and they lost to the Georgia Force by 21 points. I did have a few beers at the game for the first time. They were reasonably priced…but yeah, no fights or anything like that. Here are some pictures…

NBA Legend John Stockton...dipped in bronze

Bubbles & I at the game...

She feigns interest well

Towards the end of the game,

the Blaze resorted to drastic measures.

Normally Dodge trucks aren't allowed to play.

They even cheated in the Tug-of-War...

After the game, Bubbles decided that she wanted to have a few drinks with some friends…so she called some up and we went to Piper Down and Murphy's for brief periods…but decided to call it a short night because she had a lot of packing to do today (and last call is 1 AM here in Utah). I have a few pictures…but I'm not going to post them…because I don't have permission from the parties involved. Good times.

Today was a rainy, gloomy day…and I kind of felt accordingly. Occasionally, I just have these days where I wake up…and all the bad stuff seems to outweigh the good stuff. You know, like seeing the rain on the window instead of the beautiful stuff behind it. My dad recovering from a broken leg. My Wingman going through his treatment. I haven't had a girlfriend in nearly a year. I turn 27 in less than a month…and feel like I could do so much more. I haven't really played basketball in about three years. I feel a little bummed about my job and am seriously considering a major change in venue (more on that tomorrow). It's been almost two years since I graduated college with two degrees…yet still am doing the same thing that I was doing because the money's good, no real responsibility, but I've seriously grown apart from my job. I worry for friends and their well-being. I don't work out nearly as much as I used to. Even stupid stuff like some jackass spraypainting my car. It just seems sometimes like all the Passion that I used to have has escaped me. It all seems routine. I wake up, run errands in the morning, go to work during the day, watch a movie at night, sleep alone, repeat.

Don't get me wrong. These Gloomy Gus days that I have help me to appreciate all the great things that I have to. Great family, great friends, great health, good head on my shoulders, my sweet demeanor, job that pays well and allows me to travel on a whim usually, nieces & nephews to help grow with, great adventures that I have on occasion, all the stuff that I'm thankful for when I pray at night. Usually I just try to send out the positive thoughts and the Karma comes back around…but yeah, sometimes I wonder…what might have been and pointless stuff like that. I don't know. Maybe it's just like a Second Puberty or something…and I'm just worrying about what my life is going to be like six months, two years, five years, ten years, twenty years from now…and it's bumming be because I remember my expectation from when I was going through my First Puberty. Stuff like graduating with a college degree (check check), finding Love (stalemate), being a pro basketball player (three years since steady pickup games), success in side projects like movies & business ventures (yeah, I had high expectations), and all that stuff. It just seems sometimes like that only person that I’m doing for…is for me…and I want to do so much more.

I want to be like Dikembe Mutumbo and help save & educate kids in Afrika by donating my millions. I want to help kids get away from video games and pick up sports. You know, coach a rec league team or something. I want to make people smile & laugh uncontrollably and feel good about themselves. I want to have a family eventually…but not before finding that right woman that compliments & completes me. I assume most people think about stuff like that every once in a while. Anyway, my time for that was today…as I was watching basketball all day before coming to work. Oh…and by the way, if you think that I have an encyclopedic knowledge of movies, you should watch a basketball game with me. My trivial knowledge of the sport is somewhat legendary…but awfully boring. So yeah, my rant is over for the day. Sorry to probably bum you out too…but I'll get over it real quick…as soon as I decide what I'm going to do. It'll probably coincide with seeing the sun again. I usually like rainy days, just to go for little walks and feel the rain on my face…but about once a year, I have these Gloomy Gus days. I think we'll all be happy not to hear about this for another twelve months. Thanks for letting me vent. Now to some stuff that makes me feel better…

Twice in a Week? - Kory McFarren is a 37-year old man from Ness City, Kansas. On March 13th, authorities arrived at his house because he said that his 35-year old girlfriend Pam Babcock had something wrong with her…and it was that she was sitting on the toilet for so long that she had basically become one with the crapper. Her skin had literally grown around the bowl…and she was fused to the seat. Now, originally they said she had probably been there for a few months…but now they're saying a month or so…and Mr. McFarren was arrested under suspicion of mistreatment of a dependant adult. Oh…and she was 'disconnected' from the toilet and is recovering in the hospital. Creepy, right? Here's something even more creepy. He was released…and on March 23rd, he was arrested again…this time for lewd & lascivious (good word meaning "tending to arouse sexual desires") behavior after allegedly exposing himself to a neighbor's teenage daughter and her friends. You know, as bad as things get, at least I don't get my kicks out of making people sit on a toilet for months or flashing neighbors…well, their underage daughters anyway. Mister McFarren, you win my Loser of the Month - March 2008. Congratulations!!! Hope you enjoy prison.

Wombats Make the News - Arthur Cradock, a 48-year-old orchard worker from Motueka on the South Island of New Zealand, called police on February 11th to say he was being raped by a Wombat at his home. Shortly after, he called back to withdraw his complaint. For those of you who don't know, Wombats are those pudgy, slow-moving marsupials that you see on nature shows…like the Wildboyz. He claimed that after the experience, he starting speaking Australian. Cradock pleaded guilty to using a phone for a fictitious purpose and was sentenced to 75 hours community work. Prosecutors said alcohol plays a large part in Cradock's life, although his defense lawyer said he was not drunk on the afternoon of the phone calls. So there's really only one explanation…the Wombat convinced him somehow to drop the charges. I'm sure there was a drunken celebration of some sort where the two met, they talked and found that they had similar interests, one thing led to another, and then Mr. Cradock woke up alone with a sore backside and some distinctive cubic scat on his bed sheets. "It wasn't a dream." So he called in the complaint…only to have the Wombat return shortly after with breakfast from Mickey D's. Oops. Call back to drop the charges…but it was too late. Simple misunderstanding. It's a shame really…but at least he gets to do community service for a great cause, has found an interesting relationship, and this may be the first step to him avoiding getting blackout drunk in the future. Who knows? All I know is…a Wombat and a Kiwi probably cannot breed…and that will help me to sleep at night. Then again, they said the same thing about a Beaver & a Duck…and now we have the Platypus. What would you call a Wombat - Kiwi offspring? A Wiwi? A Kombat? A Mortal Kombat? Anyway, raped by a Wombat. Nobody ever suspects the Wombat…and for good reason.

That'll do it for today. Thanks for letting me vent again…and hopefully I got a laugh or two out of you afterwards. I wish you all the best in everything. Have a great night!!! May all your dreams come true!!!