Sweet Sweet Delusion

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Do you ever have that feeling that some things just happen for a reason? Like...no matter what happens, it's going to be okay, because as long as you lead a good life, live to make others happy as well as yourself, and love those around you, things will work itself out. I feel that way all the time...mostly because I'm somewhat delusional...but I just have faith in what I can control and everything else will just do what it do. It keeps my stress levels low...almost dangerously low. It also helps me to realize that sometimes all you need is a little patience, peace & quiet, and a good friend or family member to call to cheer you up...and you can do just about anything. It's a service that I'm more than happy to provide & utilize given the situation presented to me. If any of you are ever feeling down, just call up $teve and he's more than happy to help out. Hell, if he's within driving distance, Dr. Love may make a house call. Free of charge.

For example, last night I got a call from my buddy Bubbles...and she was feeling really lonely. I tried my best to console her & keep her positive...but sometimes you just have to sit back, listen, and let them vent. Unfortunately, it got to the point of Bubbles crying...and because women crying is my kryptonite, I was kind of in a gloomy Gus mood. I worry about her. She's my buddy...and so far away. You know how it is. So I basically made her promise to relax, get some sleep, call me in the morning so I had something to look forward to, and know that no matter what happens I'm gonna be her friend. That seemed to work. Hopefully it did.

So there I was...in a gloomy mood despite watching the Celtics win the championship & see other legendary athletes like Kevin Garnett, Ray Allen, Paul Pierce, & Doc Rivers cry like whipped puppies too. Then I flip it to the other channel I was watching...and it's "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" which makes me think of Bubbles...because we watched it once and she reminds me of Angelina (you've seen the pictures). Then I figure that I'll check my email or something before the late night cartoon lineup starts (exciting life that I lead) and I'm greeted with this picture from JL Clyde...

Awesome, right? Well, now for the best thing to sum it all up. I then immediately got a call from my sister-in-law...telling me about their latest trip to Wal-Mart. They were in the toy aisle...and all of a sudden she hears my niece Kairi behind her yell out "$TEVE!!!" She turned around...and saw Kairi sitting on the floor with a mini-RoboPanda trying to tear it out of the box...then she looked up at her mom, lifted the box, and kept saying "$TEVE!!! $TEVE!!! $TEVE!!!" So grandpa was there...and bought it for her. Tell me that's not the cutest thing you've heard all day. You see? I was there for my friend in her time of need...it made me feel a little down...but then I saw grown men crying with me, showing that it was okay to have some emotions. Then I caught one of the best parts of one of my favorite movies of all time (it was the husband-wife shoot-out that ends in fiery, violent, passionate coitus). Then a cheerful picture from a friend pointing out my natural tendencies to look directly at the best of everything...and then topped off with an incredibly cute story showing the kind of impact I have on a lovely little niece of mine. Karma comes back around. That's why I'm somewhat delusional...and I can only hope that some of you out there share my condition. It's great. Ignorance truly is bliss. Now for today's news...

Today's news is dedicated to…well, there's kind of a theme to it I think. Some days you just look at your situation…and I think everybody would like to have that special someone waiting for you when you get home asking you how your day was…or a friend you can BS with to get through the day…or a family member always quick to tell you how much they love you…or at least a great booty call…and this newsreel is pretty much dedicated to that idea. Enjoy. Preferably with others.

Monkey Hugs - Who doesn't like hugs & kisses? Consensual, of course (shout out to my brothers in Cell Block 4). For most folks, a nice hug and some sympathy can help a bit after we get pushed around. Turns out, chimpanzees use hugs and kisses the same way. And it works. Researchers studying people's closest genetic relatives found that stress was reduced in chimps that were victims of aggression if a third chimp stepped in to offer consolation. Dr. Orlaith Fraser says, "Consolation usually took the form of a kiss or embrace. This is particularly interesting because this behavior is rarely seen other than after a conflict. If a kiss was used, the consoler would press his or her open mouth against the recipient's body, usually on the top of the head or their back. An embrace consisted of the consoler wrapping one or both arms around the recipient." Further research may lead to the pure primal instincts behind Pity Sex…since there appears to be a correlation. Wait, actually I've just been informed that is not the reason for further research. Perhaps it'll just be an incidental discovery…like Post-Its and penicillin.

Sexbot Update - The Japanese firm Sega Toys has produced a 38 cm (15 inch) tall robotic girlfriend that kisses on command, to go on sale in September for around $175, with a target market of lonely adult men. Using her infrared sensors and battery power, the diminutive damsel named "EMA" (Eternal Maiden Actualization) puckers up for nearby human heads, entering what designers call its "Love mode." She can also sing, dance, hand out business cards, and entertain party guests apparently. Spokeswoman Minako Sakanoue (who may soon be out of a job) says, "Strong, tough and battle-ready are some of the words often associated with robots, but we wanted to break that stereotype and provide a robot that's sweet and interactive." We all know where this is going. They're just testing the interacting, compassionate, heat-seeking software for the larger models. I must admit, I'm fairly impressed with the sleek, aerodynamic design…and I'm assuming the batteries are located in her chest (Hotchuma hotchuma). Sega hopes to sell 10,000 in the first year…and they'll probably get that easily (millions of lonely people out there) but at least they're trying to make sexbots appear personal & sympathetic…because after a hard day at work, don't we all just want a little heat-seeking hottie to hug & kiss us and make it all better? Don't look at me like that. I'm not going to buy one. My RoboPanda has completely creeped me out. I'll wait until all the kinks have been worked out…and perhaps date in the meantime. You never know. Stranger things have happened.

Soccer is STILL Boring - Even during Euro 2008, it seems nothing can make soccer (futbol) interesting to me. Sure, it's nice to go to a bar and watch drunken people with funny accents argue about why Scots are better than Portuguese during the hours between goals…but in that instance, I'm interested in the people, not the game. However, there was a mildly interesting idea presented last week when a match organized by a chatroom website features a topless women's soccer team from Germany played a similarly clad team from Austria. The six-a-side teams wore nothing but thongs, with the national colors painted on to their bare skin. The football may not have been of the highest quality but that did not temper the enthusiasm of a mostly male crowd boosted by a sizeable media presence only too happy to desert Euro 2008 training for an hour or two. Austria won 10-5 but the real purpose was to help motivate their male counterparts in Euro 2008. Doris Fastenmeir said, "I hope our men will take heart from that tomorrow. We played pretty hard, we even had some injuries, like I for example broke my toe nail." The Germans took defeat sportingly and joined their opponents for alcopops and dancing at a beach club alongside the Danube. However, the quote of the day goes to German goaltender Jana Bach who said, "I was supposed to hold the balls but I really have no idea how to do that. Maybe it is because I am not all that much into soccer. I am more into shoes to be honest." Don't be coy. You know how to handle those balls. Be proud.

Utah Bikini Ban Lifted - In the city of Kanab (southern Utah), a ban on bikini swimwear is being lifted…and called an oversight for a new public pool called the Cowboy Water'n Hole, opening July 4th. City Councilwoman Nina Laycook said, "My recommendation is going to be no thongs or string bikinis. We were so engrossed with safety and health issues we overlooked the wording. We are addressing that now by amending the policy." The restrictions were not popular, even in the conservative community where the council passed a resolution in 2006 to favor the "natural family" consisting of a working husband, a stay-at-home wife and a "full quiver of children." Is that what a natural family is? I consider my family pretty natural. My mom WISHES she could have stayed at home. Exactly how many children are in a quiver? Are they arrows now? Projectiles to be fired upon neighbor's dogs? My parents were one of seventeen children…and one of eight children…so they decided to have two. Their choice…and apparently a wise one since I have a lot of stepsiblings now. Anyway, congrats on catching this oversight. Now do you see why moving to Vegas may be a really good move for me. I want a little more craziness, excitement, and perfectly tanned & oiled skin walking around the pool…and streets. Turning the temperature up about twenty degrees outta do that nicely.

Anyway, that oughta do it for me today. I've already rambled on long enough. Tonight's a work outing party with some of my favorite people in all the world like JL Clyde, the Mad Scientist, Lilie, Captain Monty, Camb, Cat, Mickey, and a few Boss Ladies. It should be fun. I may get pictures. Also, for anybody interested, Alisa's husband's band Slow Ride is going to the Huka Lounge in Murray Thursday night...and I plan on going & having a good time. I'm told they do "white guy reggae" music, so you can't go wrong. Throw back a few Red Stripes and sing along. Hooray beer!!! Have a great day everybody!!!