Man Who Catch Fly With Chopsticks Can Accomplish Anything

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night, I watched one of my favorite 80's movies. It's the philosophical coming-of-age story about a Jersey kid who moves to sunny California, gets harassed by punks, befriends his maintenance man, who also happens to be a martial arts master…and former restaurant owner on "Happy Days", is taught the sacred traditions of this man from Okinawa, and falls for my first crush…Elizabeth Shue. I'm talking of course…about "The Karate Kid" with Ralph Macchio & the late great Pat Morita. Now, some crazy people out there have told me that they consider this a sports movie…and that simply isn't true. Karate is not a sport…it's a way of life. There are plenty of life lessons taught throughout this movie…and anybody who knows the deep, philosophical meaning of "Wax on, wax off" can appreciate it. However, I still find myself liking the Cobra Kai mottos more…like "Strike hard. Strike first. No mercy." or "There is no pain in this dojo" or "Sweep the leg." Does that make me evil? No, of course not. Also, just out of curiosity, am I the only person in the world that sings along during the tournament montage? "YOU'RE THE BEST…AROUND!!! NOTHING'S GONNA EVER KEEP YA DOWN!!! YOU'RE THE BEST…AROUND!!! NOTHING'S GONNA EVER KEEP YA DOWN!!!" Probably. Anyway, great flick…and I watched it last night…and told JL Clyde about how I wanted to be like Daniel-son when I grew up…a ninja who was bangin' Elizabeth Shue. "You're young. There's still a chance." "True, I've already got the ninja thing down…and she may be 44…but I'm still willing." She's also married too…and I respect that (call me Liz).


This morning, my sister-in-law called me up and we talked about my brother's upcoming birthday, my nieces & nephews, Pride (apparently she wants to go to the parade next year), and my hopefully impending move to Vegas. Apparently, her goal is to make it down every three months or so…but that's awfully $teve-like in scope…and she doesn't have my financial backing nor the irresponsibility to do something like that. She's got those babies to look after…and not just my brother…so we'll see. I told her at the very least that I'd get her into the Adult Entertainment Expo if she came in January. She liked that idea…as did I…as would anybody. Other than that, nothing much really going on except work today…so here's the news…and a Movie List.


Victoria's Secret Weapon - Macrida Patterson, a 52-year-old Los Angeles traffic officer, told NBC's "Today" show that she suffered cuts to her cornea from a small piece of metal that had been used to secure a rhinestone heart onto a blue thong that she bought at Victoria's Secret. So she is suing them. "I was putting on my underwear from Victoria's Secret and the metal popped in my eye. It happened really quickly. I was in excruciating pain. I screamed. That's what happened." Now, before the thought of a 52-year old cop in a blue thong with rhinestones makes you want to tear your own eyes out, try to see it from her perspective. Actually, never mind. I'm just going to look at the new summer lines on the website and forget this ever happened. How dare you try to take money out of my Adriana's perfectly shaped pockets…that I assume she wears when in temperatures below seventy degrees Fahrenheit. Hmm, where do Victoria's Secret supermodels keep their money…and driver's licenses? That's a thought for later tonight. Hotchuma Hotchuma!!!


Monument to Enemas - A bronze syringe bulb, which weighs 800 pounds and is held by three angels, was unveiled at the Mashuk-Akva Term spa in the southern Russian city of Zheleznovodsk Wednesday. The Caucasus Mountains region is known for dozens of spas where enemas with water from mineral springs are routinely administered to treat digestive and other complaints. Alexander Kharchenko, 50, said the monument cost $42,000 and was installed in a square in front of his spa. "There is no kitsch or obscenity, it is a successful work of art. An enema is almost a symbol of our region." If that is true, remind me never to go to there. A banner declaring: "Let's beat constipation and sloppiness with enemas" — an allusion to a line from "The Twelve Chairs," a famous Soviet film comedy — was posted on one of the spa's walls. Quite possibly the worst poop joke ever. Sculptor Svetlana Avakina said she designed the 5-foot-high monument with "irony and humor" and modeled the angels on those in works by Italian Renaissance painter Alessandro Botticelli. "This device is eternal, it will never change. We could promote this brand, turn it into a franchise with souvenirs and awards for medical doctors." That's slightly better than my idea of making a bronze statue for my memorial upon my untimely death…where three angels would hold a large, fully-loaded scrotal sack and ask passerbys to cough. Now there's a beautiful image. At least I know that one sculptor would be willing to do it…for about $42,000 (or about 18 trillion rubles). Now for a Movie List...


Gary Oldman Movies - Minus "Fifth Element" because I talk about it too damn much

Medal Winners

Gold - Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992) - Sure, most people know Gary Oldman as the best Villain actor EVER (that's right, I said it) if not just a badass. His role as Dracula though…made him the Ultimate Villain Badass. He basically carried the movie. Think about it. It's a great movie, can we agree on that? Okay. Done. Cool special effects? Okay, there were a few interesting things with the effects…but it's a supernatural movie. What else pushed it? The performances by Winona Ryder? Keanu Reeves? Cary Elwes? Anthony Hopkins in his five minutes of screen time? Monica Bellucci as hot vampire #3? (Hmm, perhaps…) NO!!! It was THE Gary Oldman…with a Romanian accent, I think. Some die hard Dracula fans thought this movie was horrible…but kudos to director Francis Ford Coppola for having the sheer testicular fortitude to turn it into a Love story…with vampires, nudity, and questionable casting calls. I personally love this movie…and laughing whenever Keanu opens his mouth.


Silver - Immortal Beloved (1994) - I've seen this movie twice this week. Once because I hadn't seen it in a while…and again because I had to show JL Clyde it. No complaints. The composer Ludwig von Beethoven (Oldman) has died…and the man handling his affairs stumbles upon a letter addressed to his "Immortal Beloved" whom he leaves all of his possessions. Now, the man must question those who knew Beethoven to find out who this mysterious woman (or man) is. Great (hot) performances are also given by Valeria Golino & Isabella Rossolini as former lovers…but yeah, it's Gary Oldman at his finest. Again, it also makes me want to learn how to make music…because chicks really dig that stuff. Apparently, talent & passion is very sexy. Best line in the whole movie though - While teaching his student (Golino) to play the piano, "Your lack of passion is unforgivable. I shall have to beat you." Slaps her hand…and within a minute of screen time, she's lying in her bed post-coitus. That's the Maestro!!! Anyway, check it out. Don't be scared of the R rating either. I honestly have no idea why that is. Yes, there's about three total seconds of boob & side-boob…and a Chancellor says "sh*t" in a comical tone…but that's it. PG-13 at most…even back in the early 90's. Oh…and the soundtrack is awesome because it's Beethoven…and the scenes of him as Dying Ludwig only convince me more than Gary Oldman would be perfect to play Benjamin Franklin in a biopic. Make it happen Hollywood!!!


Bronze - Leon, the Professional (1994) - Another bad guy role in this shoot-em-up classic starring Jean Reno and a jailbait Natalie Portman, directed by Luc Besson. It's the story of a professional assassin (Reno) who looks after a young girl (Portman) and they become the most unconventional of friends. She starts to admire his profession…and he teaches her to be independent and becomes her father figure…but then other killers are after him…led by Gary Oldman. Great shoot-outs, explosions, French, kids with guns, pure badassery. Gary Oldman may not get enough screen time…but he makes up for it with being creepy. See it if you haven't already…since I recommended it on my Shoot-Em-Up Movie List.


Suggestion - The Scarlet Letter (1995) - Nathaniel Hawthorne's book brought to the big screen with Gary Oldman as the sexy reverend…and Demi Moore as the object of his affections…or was it the other way around? I forget, it's been a few years…but allegedly there are some really hot steamy scenes. Speaking of which, he allegedly was in "Henry & June" (1990) starring Fred Ward, Uma Thurman (his wife at the time), and Maria de Medeiros…but I don't recall him being in there. Again, it has been a while though. Maybe it was a cameo or small role…like being Lee Harvey Oswald in "JFK" (1991) and a white Jamaican pimp in "True Romance" (1993). Love Gary as a pimp. Check it out if you haven't already. Great flick. Also, great bad guy in "Air Force One" (1997) starring President Ford. "Get off my plane!!!"


Flush It - Lost In Space (1998) - It's not Gary's fault that this movie sucked. The fact of the matter is…if Matt LeBlanc is in your movie, it's going to suck. Period. No exceptions. Look it up. Go ahead. Google it. See? Anyway, it's the movie adaptation of the popular sci-fi TV series from the sixties starring William Hurt, Heather Graham, Mimi Rogers, and jailbait Lacey Chabert (hence why she's pictured instead of something to do with the movie). Of course Gary's the evil (and possible pedophile) Dr. Smith…because he's Gary Oldman…and they paid a lot of money. Save your time & money…and watch "Fifth Element" instead if you want sci-fi Oldman.


Future Watch - Dark Knight (July 18th) - Less than four weeks until Batman is FINALLY back in theatres. Want to see this movie so bad I can taste it (and it ain't sweet). Gary Oldman plays Commissioner Gordon (or I think Lieutenant in this prequel) but I just wanna see this movie. Loved "Batman Begins" (2005) and hopefully this will be more of the same. I'm also told that I must watch "Sid & Nancy" (1986) because this is allegedly the greatest performance of Gary Oldman's career…so some day I'll have to check that out. He's also playing a part in the adaptation of "A Christmas Carol" (2009) that's going to star Jim Carrey as…well, everybody. Scrooge, the Ghosts, probably Tiny Tim. There's also a supernatural thriller being made called "Unborn" (2009) where he stars as a spiritual advisor to a young girl (Odette Yustman) who is tormented by the soul of a boy who died during the Holocaust. Should be intriguing.


That'll do it for today. Tomorrow I may be heading out to hang with my brother's family on my day off (since everybody's got the day off this weekend) so I may have more pictures come Monday. Just a head's up. Thanks to everybody out there reading this for being awesome…and have a great weekend!!!