Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Be the Next Betsy Ross or Ross Betsy

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

RIP George Carlin: Patron Saint of Comedy - Legendary comedian George Carlin died Sunday because of heart failure. He was truly one of the greats. If there were a Mount Laughmore, he'd be one of the faces up there…along with guys like George Burns, Bob Hope, and Red Skelton. His social insight & controversial views make us look deep into ourselves and find humor in even the most horrible things…while at the same time, brainstorming about ways to better our world. Sure, he's most famous for his "Seven Words" routines or his cameos in Kevin Smith movies…but he's a great man…and the world's less funny without him. Rest in Peace, playa. Sorry to start out on a downer…but it had to be noted.

Work was okay last night...and I didn't mind being kept a little later than usual...because I got a late night call from Bubbles because she was having fun...and it reminded her of me or something. Nice. See? Stuff like that makes my whole day. Just knowing that somebody was doing something and thought, "I wonder what $teve's up to. Probably something crazy. I'm gonna find out." Also, my mom's crashing at my place for a few days (she has meetings in town) but because of my work schedule, I won't see her that much...except waking her up in the morning because she doesn't wake easily...because I hate to say it, but she may seriously be losing her hearing. It's all good though. Love that she's hanging out.

Forvik Independence - In international news, another nation has declared its independence from one of the chief members of the United Nations. Possibly inspired by the people of Kosovo, the owner of a tiny island off Scotland declared its independence from the United Kingdom on Saturday, saying he wanted the territory, population one, to be a crown dependency like the Channel Islands. In a declaration on his Web site, 65-year old Stuart Hill, who owns the 2.5 acre island of Forvik in the Shetland Islands in the North Sea, said he no longer recognized the authority of the government or the European Union, and cited a centuries-old royal marriage dowry deal as the basis for his claim. Hill has lived in the Shetland Islands on the edge of the Atlantic since 2001, when his boat capsized there during an unsuccessful attempted to circumnavigate Britain. He is Forvik's only resident, and his home is a tent on the storm-battered island. He says on his website that he plans to create Forvik's own currency -- the "gulde" -- print his own stamps and raise his own flag. Hill said he had written to the Queen offering his services as "steward" and recognizing her as head of state. "I also invite anyone from any country in the world, who supports these aims, namely to become free of liars, thieves and tyrants in government, to become a citizen of Forvik."

Ballsy!!! I like it!!! Kudos to you, Mr. Hill. Nay, Lord Grace Chancellor of Forvik, Stuart the First. I like it a lot. You've gone a little Cast Away on this small, cold, rainy island…possibly befriending a volleyball or something…and you want people to visit. Were I a Scottish native in the vicinity, I would certainly stop by to say howdy. Besides, what are they really going to do? Send in the British Navy to overthrow him? I would assume the Queen would find it comical. "Oh my, he lives in a tent with shrunken ponies. How adorable! We shall give him stewardship." Step one. Then he puts his face on some money, establishes flag with the Glasgow Rangers logo in the middle surrounded by the phrase "If it ain't Forvik, it's CRAP!!!" possibly in Latin, and print a few stamps with pictures of redheads downloaded from the internet. Of course he has the internet. He posted all of this on his website, remember? Now he can talk with the BBC or some less-reputable television station (VH1?) and set up the reality show to find his "Queen of Forvik" and they can have Shetland pony races, rock tossing, romantic fishing trips across through the craggy reefs of the North Sea, all the good stuff you come to expect from those shows…maybe even a haggis wrasslin' match with plenty of neepes & tatties for everyone (they're turnips & potatoes, I swear…but they sound so much better as neepes & tatties). It could be great. Besides, what kind of a pick-up line would it be to say that you're a Duke or something like that when you go to the mainland for supplies? A great one.

If I had my own sovereign nation…or rather some kind of principality that completely dependent upon the infrastructure of another nation but they gave me my own spot on the map because I'm cool like that, what would I name it? Loveland? Eccentricia? Funkatron? Goonie Gu Gu? $tevonia? If it were an island, I think I'd go with the Isle of Love…or if landlocked, Nipplopolis. Okay, that was on Norbit…but it does have a ring to it. We'll go with $tevonia…and the best part is…because of the money symbol, it'll be the first country listed on most computer lists. Boo-yah!!!

The Ultimate Challenge

The National Flag…shall be a challenge to all you wonderful Photoshop masters out there ready to flex your skills & receive an Ultimate Shout-Out (hint to BSUWG, Mediocre Gatsby, Bone Junior, and all the other talented artists out there). Now, many of you have been patrons of the blog for a long time…and it's greatly appreciated…but allow me to give you a few ideas that I had in mind…and some other key things that may need to be included in the design of this flag...but this is all about creative expression...so feel free to go wild.

  • Colors: The world is your pallet. Go Bob Ross on it!!!

  • My Initial Idea: A Panda must be involved, possibly wearing a crown & perhaps some royal bling…but not too much. In one hand he (and it is a he) holds a mighty scepter with a fortune cookie atop the phallic symbol…and in the other, a hotchuma hotchuma sexbot. Surrounding them is a heart…possibly radiating…for this is a land of Love.
  • Other Possible Additions: Bacon, Elvis, Jesus, Pancakes, Basketball, Batman, something Vegas, Zombies, Ninjas, Dinosaurs, any of the dozens of beautiful actresses, athletes, and other female figures mentioned on this blog repeatedly…and any combination of the aforementioned…such as Zombie Ninjas or Jesus Pancakes

  • Extra Credit: I'm thinking one of those cool effects that show things moving when you see it from different angles, like a baseball card where the player swings might have to be involved. In that case, you'd be able to accentuate the radiating heartlight, have the panda boogie (cuz gangstas don't dance, we boogie), have the sexbot drop it like it's hot, and an array of other cool effects…all while grabbing attention as the flag blows in the wind at the UN building.
The Grand Prize includes:

  • The Ultimate Shout-Out: Usually reserved for the most Loved of Loved Ones, Hottest of the Hot, Toughest of the Tough, and those who gets me laid…WELL!!! (and/or repeatedly)

  • The Ultimate Compliment: Your award-winning artwork will be displayed on my new blog…that I'm apparently going to have to start about the time I move down to Vegas because I'm running out of memory with all my pictures of adventures, nieces, nephews, and whatever else is on this thing. Where on the blog? How about…TOP BILLING??? Welcoming visitors to $tevonia…and establishing yourself as a National Treasure.

  • The Ultimate Promotion: Ever wanted to be a Duke? Princess? President? Pope? Knight Bachelor? Goddess of Light? Bringer of Destruction? Name your title…and it shall be yours. When visiting the land of $tevonia, you shall be greeted with all the respect & fanfare possible on the budget of this modest two-bedroom nation.

  • The Ultimate Business Card: Your face on the national currency of $tevonia - the coinage is called Lovies, and the foldin' money is called Funkies. "That'll be five Funky and twenty-seven Lovies." "Do you have change for a Mookie (slang for 100 Funky)?" I'll even offer you the Abe Lincoln treatment…where you can be on a Lovey AND a Funky.

  • The Ultimate Deadline: Entries must be turned in by the time that I move to Las Vegas…which at this rate may be several YEARS from now…but more realistically, the next few weeks…maybe a month. My fingers are crossed…and punctuality will score you extra brownie points towards your cause.

I really look forward to entries. I'm always amazed by the incredibly clever & amazing things checking out your blogs...and now, I'd like to display some of that on my blog...since I have little artistic talent myself. Be one of the Founding Fathers (or Hotties) of this new sovereign nation of $tevonia!!! Future generations will write songs about you. That's right. I'll write a song about you, singing your praises if you so wish. It's going to be awesome!!!

Busy day at work today...so that's going to do it. Have a great day everybody!!!

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