My Mom May Have Wanted A Daughter

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday I got off work a little early...so I spent the evening hanging with my mom...and looking back at it...basically being a chick with her. How you ask? Fish tacos, ice cream, chick flick, chick beer, cleaning my house, and redecorating my bathroom. Now to elaborate. When I got home, I called my mom...and she was shopping...for new towels, shower curtain, and a rug for me. That's what moms are for, I guess. She just kind of showed up with them...and so we cleaned the bachelor bathroom & set up the new stuff. After that, we went to get some dinner at Maui Tacos...and had some Mahi Mahi Tacos (pretty good) and a Chimichanga (also good). For dessert, Coldstone Creamery was next door, so ice cream.

Then my mom wanted to get her drink on...but the liquor store was closed (apparently an election day) so we went to the grocery store where the only option was premium malt beverages (the low-point ones) so we got some Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonades. Along the way, she had the BALLS to ask me if I had "27 Dresses" in my DVD collection. "Nope. I like (vagina). I mean...I did just have fish tacos for dinner." "I heard from my sisters that it was good. Can we get it? Pleeease." I'm thinking how I can let Fate decide whether we will watch it or not. "Tell you what. Do you know what Redbox is?" "I think so." "Well, if the Redbox at the grocery store has 27 Dresses, then we'll get it. If not, then we'll find something else. Better. Deal?" "Deal." Long story short, it was there...and the movie wasn't that bad...but it was a chick flick...through & through. All the formula characters were there - superhot lead actress who thinks she'll never find love because she's crazy, dream guy who's just dreamy and nothing else need be known, other girl who steals him away before lead actress can do anything about it...also happens to be her materialistic sister, slutty wisecracking best friend, other guy who comes in & is different...so steals her heart, a few predictable twists, and basically it's the "Wedding Planner" as a packrat with a slew of bridesmaid's dresses played by Katherine Heigl ("Knocked Up"). If you like chick flicks, check it out. It may warm your heart...or make you a bitter single heterosexual man realizing that he's spending a night watching chick flicks with his f**king mom...and you may die a little inside...but just a little.

This morning, I drove around to pick up parts for my car to get it registered & fixed...and this involved the annual pain-in-the-ass that is safety & emissions. I went to the grease monkey habitat (sorry, I try to like them...but then this stuff happens), they ran the tests, and come back with the usual spiel. "Your emissions were fine...but I couldn't pass you on safety." "Go on." "Your serpentine belt looks like its just about to snap, so I couldn't pass you there. Also, your steering wheel is REALLY loose like this (starts shaking violently like a monkey on an electrified banana tree)." "Oh...well, first off I don't drive my car like I'm testing a jet...so I don't even notice it...and secondly, the serpentine belt isn't part of the safety test...but I do have a new one in my passenger seat that will be replaced by this weekend." "Well that's good because you've fifteen days to blah blah blah..." Now, my dad has this mechanic by his house, El Tigre (shameless plug) that I may just have to take it too...because it's just ridiculous. My dad & I are going to pop open the steering column and check it out (might just be a loose bolt or something) but yeah, worst-case. Despise mechanics...yet can't do a lot of things when it comes to cars...but I'm learning. At least on pre-computer cars I can hold my own...just lazy.

Slowly but surely, I'm trying to grow as a person, become independent, self-sufficient, experience what life has to offer, meet new people, learn new things, date when the planets align, live on my own, now move outside of my comfort zone to a city that's the complete opposite of what I'm used to. However, sometimes I find it hard to motivate myself to do anything...especially when it involves just me. I'm a pretty easy going guy. Okay, EXTREMELY easy going guy. The thing is with this growth comes some growing pains...mostly just frustration & hard-learned lessons like...

• You can't save somebody who doesn't want to be saved


• Liquor before beer, you're in the clear


• Learn when to say no


• You can negotiate with a terrorist...but not a woman with cramps"

There's still plenty of lessons for me to learn...but little things like this tend to really piss me off...because if I want to drive a car, I have to put up with these mechanics, who I know are going to screw me over. If not knitpicking, they'll make something wrong. It happened last year with my Baby. "Can't pass ya because your wipers don't work." "They worked yesterday when it rained." Magically, the wiper fluid pump no longer worked. Surprise. So after fighting the urge to land an overhand right haymaker on top of his skull, I suck it up & buy a new pump (special order because the car's 40 years old) and replace it. Another lesson learned. Don't go for the convenience. Go for a good mechanic who won't try to screw you over. Now if I can just learn when to say no, how to get rich off the stock market, and how to find a good woman who wants me. Maybe tomorrow...

Cleaning Everest - Speaking of lofty aspirations, China is looking to clean up the northern side of Mount Everest due to a half-century of climbers leaving debris. Everest's 29,035-foot peak — the world's tallest — lies on the border between China and Nepal, with climbers providing a large source of income for both countries...and in true fashion, this leads to damage to the fragile ecosystem because of all the oxygen tanks, tents, backpacks, corpses, and whatever else left along the way by climbers. The high altitude, deep snow, icy slopes and thin air make it difficult for climbers to carry anything other than the necessities down the mountain once they reach the summit. The Nepalese government has tightened its laws, and climbers and their guides are now required to carry out gear and trash or forfeit a $4,000 deposit...but China doesn't do anything like that...and about 90% of visitors go to the Chinese side in Tibet. This cleanup project should be interesting...because I suspect they would have to send climbers or sherpas or Tibetan prisoners to clean up after climbers...so it seems a little ridiculous. I mean, they leave the stuff there on the mountain...because the conditions are so harsh that they can't bring it back the first time, right? Anyway, best of luck to you China!!!

Jeannie Script Problems? - For a while now, they've been trying to make a movie based on the TV series "I Dream of Jeannie" about a man who stumbles upon a lamp (or perfume bottle or vase or something) and out pops a superhot genie. However, it's proving difficult to turn this into a 90-minute comedy or set it to our politically correct times. Apparently, calling somebody "Master" is now racist and/or sexist. Five previous writers have tried to write scripts and now the sixth is Rita Hsiao who made the Disney classic "Mulan" about a female warrior princess. She's also written "13 Going On 30" and "Enchanted" so this may be a really lame chick flick when it's all said and done. You may be asking how I would rewrite this movie. I wouldn't. It's already been written...when it was a TV show.

Summary: Astronaut (played by Jim Carrey?) crashes near a deserted island and finds a genie in a bottle (played by...who the hell cares? I just want to be the guy doing the auditions. "Could you say master again...sexier?") and of course...for some reason he doesn't wish for all the usual stuff like billions of dollars, his own island, and a herum of brainwashed supermodel cooks. We'll say he's a nice guy & doesn't want to take advantage of her or something. Then his buddy finds out about the genie and tries to steal it, gets thwarted, and they live happily ever after. You could even have a neighbor lady as the genie's slutty friend...who doesn't know she's a genie...probably thinks she's a niece that moved in & dresses uniquely...but she's into Kaballah or something, so she understands. There's also the gags of the Air Force psychiatrist guy trying to find out if he's crazy or not...which is why Jim Carrey would rock. Anyway, if Rita's script doesn't work out, give me a call. I'm cheap...and will take care of casting too.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. Still no entries for the National Flag of $tevonia...but it has only been a day. Have a great day everybody!!!