Happy Birthday Dr. MLK

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

First & foremost, I'd like to wish a Happy Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day to everybody out there...and remind everybody to keep the Dream alive. Treat others as you would like to be treated and equality for all. All those government employees out there, enjoy your day off too. Enjoy it for both of us. I'll just be here...living the Dream.

I watched me some football yesterday…and I liked what I saw. Super Bowl XL2 will be held in Phoenix (Glendale) in two weeks and will put the undefeated New England Patriots (who play in a Boston suburb) against the Giants of New York (but they play in New Jersey. Ssssh, don't tell anybody). Here's a brief summary of what I saw yesterday. Both games were really good…and really really cold. The first game was a balmy 5 degrees with wind chill and the Patriots beat the San Diego Superchargers. My favorite thing about the San Diego team…is not only that they are a talented squad, possibly the 2nd best in the league behind the Patriots…but if you look at their team roster, they have some amazing names. Brandon Manumaleuna, Scott Mruczkowski, Legedu Naanee, Jacques Cesaire, Igor Olshansky, Ladainian Tomlinson, and the great rookie for the U of U, Eric Weddle. Nothing odd about his name…just his game. This list doesn’t include the odd first names, like Philip with one L, Jyles, Shaun, Shawne, Shane, Ryon, Cletis, and Tyronne. Last year, I remember they had an Offensive Guard (with the Dolphins now) named Cory Lekkerkerker…and thought it was the coolest name ever. His last name is the sound a basketball rim makes when you throw down a monstrous slam dunk. Maybe he's playing the wrong sport…but then again, maybe not. Great talent though…even if you can't pronounce it right the first time. Anyway, they should be good for a long time.

As for the Giants, they rival the Dallas Cowboys & Washington Racists as one of my least favorite teams being in the same division as the Eagles…but it's an intriguing matchup with the Patriots…which actually happened three weeks ago on the last week of the regular season (remember my Aunt Missy's birthday party?). It was a good game. If they pull out a win, Michael Strahan can retire on top…and a Manning quarterback will win back-to-back Super Bowls. Just not Peyton this year. Unfortunately, I think they're pretty much screwed because their opponent is really, really good. Like historically good…but that's how all the "Hoosiers", "Remember the Titans", and all those other underdog stories start…so you never know.

New England, everybody says they're a perfect team…and they're really about as good as you can get with the salary cap and all that stuff set in place to keep teams on an even keel with one another. During the game tonight, I watched and saw one of my favorite players of all time have a decent game, 16-year veteran linebacker Junior Seau. He spent the first 13 years of his career playing with the Chargers…making it to one Super Bowl in 1994 (and lost) and was selected to the Pro Bowl every year but one, being one of the best ever. Then he went to Miami for two years…and they sucked. Then he officially retired from the NFL saying that he was too old and couldn't play the game to a level he thought he needed to. Within a week, he signed with the New England Patriots…and they haven't lost a game since. I really hope that he finally wins that championship ring though. He seems like a good guy. Since Brett can't go out on top now. I'd rather Junior get it than Michael Strahan of the Giants. Though he seems like a nice guy too. Why can't all nice guys have a Super Bowl ring? That'd be sweet. Quite a conversation piece too. "Oh my golly jeepers, you have a Super Bowl ring? I had no idea that you played pro football." "Yeah, Madden 2008 maybe. No, Tom Brady gave me one when I helped him change a tire on the side of the freeway while he banged Gisele in the backseat. That's how I got this scar on my hand when the jack fell. I warned him to be gentle…but he gave me the ring, so it's all good." "Are those rubies?" "Diamonds actually. My hand was still bleeding pretty bad when I tried it on the first time. Wasn't thinking clearly. I'll get it cleaned out some day."

Will Brett Favre force himself to retire now? True, he had just one of his best years when there are a few coaches in the league younger than him. True, he could probably play like a Pro Bowl quarterback until that last big hit on the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field shatters his torso…and he'll still play until the end of the drive, at least. However, is he going to have the same kind of shot at a Super Bowl next year? Probably not. Does he have any more passing records to break? None that I can think of. Why does he still play? Because he wants to. So if he still wants to play, I'm not gonna be the one to tell him no. I think the man is a Living Legend. Why? He was born and bred in Kiel, Mississippi. Went to college at Southern Miss. Remember that chapter in "To Kill A Mockingbird" when the kids see snow for the first time…and they make the snowman out of mud…and put like a quarter inch of slush over it? Okay, that's what the man knew of snow…and cold. He was drafted by the Atlanta Falcons…but didn’t cut it as a backup there…so they traded him to Green Bay, Wisconsin. Over the next 16 years or so, he played EVERY SINGLE GAME playing on shimmering icy BLADES of grass where a gang of 300-pound men try to throw him to the ground some 50-60 times per game in temperatures that reach up to 30 degrees BELOW zero. Oh…and throw an oblong pigskin ball with pinpoint accuracy to men running at full stride in precise patterns in front of 100,000 screaming fans and millions watching across the globe. There's truly ice water in this man's veins…that lead down to his frozen blue brass balls. Yeah, I'm not gonna be the one to fire him because I think he might get hurt. He's too nice of a guy to kick my ass for suggesting it…but I honestly wouldn't be surprised if he did. Hell, it would be an honor to get my ass kicked by Brett Favre. Anyway, I've talked about football too much already…and I know that probably bores most of you…so I'll move on to something else. Don't worry though, you probably won't have to hear about football for another two weeks until the Super Bowl gets here.

I literally had to dig my car out of the parking lot today to get to work. My shovel had mysteriously disappeared, so I used my ice scraper to excavate my Buick. At least the snow was still light & fluffy...because apparently it has been coming down pretty steadily since about 3 AM. I also got a call from my mom to check up on me (ask about the date tonight) and I also got a call from Mr. & Mrs. Wingman about our night of activity tomorrow. Apparently we're going to eat a lot of crab & watch movies. Awesome. They're going to get family pictures down today. That should be a fun hassle. Anyway, I'm at work now...so I'll get to the news.

R.U. Schittenmee? - Ten days after a Golf Channel anchor was suspended for her use of "lynch" in commentary on Tiger Woods, an editor was fired Friday for illustrating the controversy with a noose on the cover of Golfweek magazine. First off, the anchor was trying to be funny or something…and because she was an anchor for the Golf Channel, she had no idea what the hell she was doing. It happens. She immediately apologized…and Tiger Woods forgave her…so I'm cool with that. Now, for the editor of a major publication to do something like THIS. Here's the process of what more than likely happened. There's a staff meeting to plan next week's issue shortly after the comment is made and quickly resolved. "So what's-her-bucket said that stupid 'lynch' thing, is there a way that we can use that to increase sales?" "I don't know if we really want to do that. It's a simple mistake…and we don't want to further the stereotype that golf is a Caucasian sport." "Seriously, I mean…what the hell would we do for something like that anyway? Put a hanging noose on the cover? That's ridiculous. We could just have an interview with the anchor or something…or maybe we can get Mr. Woods to..." "Wo wo wo, what was that about a noose? Is that what lynching is? See, I didn't even know that. I was a little confused about what the whole controversy was about. I just thought it was some street slang like jumping a guy in the parking lot or something." "You didn't know that? Did you grow up in the suburbs or something?" "That's our angle. We could make it an educational piece about the history of our nation and…" "Stop right there. Are you guys serious? You want to put a hanging noose on the cover of a magazine? Remember a few years back when Charles Barkley was on the cover of Sports Illustrated in shackles and chains…and how much controversy that started? This is going to be about ten times worse than that."

Fast forward a few days…and it reaches the editor. "What the f**k is this? You see the small type under the title where it says 'Preferred by Serious Golfers' and yet we have an article calling some Jason Day kid, the latest wonder from Down Under. That's cliché…but I'll let it slide." "There's…nothing else you see a little odd about the cover?" "Well, I don't like that rope thing covering the title…but you can't really change that now. Print it!!!" I have no idea how something like this happens in this day & age…but it did. The guy was fired for incompetence. It's quite ridiculous. I mean…really. That was the best these guys could come up with? Is that how boring golf is? That we have to resort to racism to sell copies? I'm telling ya, my idea of Extreme Golf is sounding better every day. I'm sure it'd help Brett Favre to retire a little sooner if he knew that he could still be competitive in a semi-violent sport played on Sundays. He'd get to travel all over the world too. That's the only reason I could consider being a golfer. That and the phat paychecks that they get. Is there some kind of rule against heckling the other golfer…or just some kind of common courtesy thing? I may have to look into that.

Send In the Clowns - There's still hope for clowns…which apparently all developed countries are not amused by. Turkmenistani President Gurbanguli Berdymukhamedov (Seriously?) reversed his predecessor's ban on operas and circuses, saying that with increasing development in the Central Asian nation, it deserved to have such artistic performances. The ban was imposed in 2001 by then-President Saparmurat Niyazov (still hard to pronounce), who criticized opera and ballet, among other things, as being foreign to Turkmen culture, and allowed funding for state-sponsored circuses to dry up. In more than two decades as the country's leader, Niyazov, who called himself Turkmenbashi, of Father of All Turkmen, crushed dissent and instituted a range of often quixotic rules and laws as well as creating a vast personality cult. Since Niyazov's death in 2006, Berdymukhamedov has softened some of Niyazov's most draconian policies. He also has moved to court foreign energy companies and outside investors to tap the poor, desert nation's natural gas reserves, which are some of the largest in the former Soviet Union. So now performances like Cirque de Soleil, Don Giovanni, and Bohemian Rhapsody can return to Turkmenistan. This is major news. Perhaps now, some people may be able to point this country out on a map of the globe. Just so you know, it's the country directly north of Iran…so stay tuned to your local news to see if it's mentioned more, wink wink.

Which One's the Bitch? - Grace Saenz-Lopez, mayor of the city of Alice, TX has been indicted on two felony counts of tampering with physical evidence. She faces losing her public office and serious jail time for these charges. What did she do? She stole a Shih Tzu that she was dogsitting for some friends…and then covering it up. Saenz-Lopez had agreed to take care of Puddles while Rudy Gutierrez and Shelly Cavazos were on vacation over the summer. A day after they left, she called to say the dog was dead, but three months later a relative of Cavazos saw Puddles (renamed Panchito) at a dog groomer. Puddles' family sued and filed a criminal complaint, but the case took a new turn Monday when the mayor filed a police report saying the dog was missing. A television crew found the dog 10 miles from Alice in Ben Bolt, at the home of Saenz-Lopez's twin, Graciela Garcia. Garcia said a "mysterious lady" had found the dog and dropped it off. So now, her twin sister may go to jail too. You just can't trust politicians, I guess. Even with your pet. Best part: Her attorney said "She loves that little dog. She told me that if she were a single woman, she would not care if she went to jail for the rest of her life before she would give the dog back." Well, she may not have a choice. (Bad Pun Warning) See the Shih Tzu get into when you trust your pets with the wrong people? Okay, now the 4th installment of the TV movies list…

TV Drama Movies

Medal Winners

Gold - The Untouchables (1987) - I think this was mentioned in my Kevin Costner list a few months back…but a great flick by Brian DePalma ("Scarface" & "Carlito's Way") based on the incredible TV series that ran from 1959-63 starring the one & only Robert Stack ("Unsolved Mysteries") as Eliot Ness, the role played by Mr. Costner. With Sean Connery & Andy Garcia among his supporting cast…they were set to go to war against Al Capone (Robert DeNiro). They're actually in talks to make a prequel, also directed by Brian DePalma…and starring Gerard Butler ("300") in Sean Connery's role of Sam Malone. Can't wait for that one to come out too. Rumor has it that Nicolas Cage was interested in playing Al Capone…but I think that rumor was stopped…so I'm going to restart it.

Silver - The Fugitive (1993) - Starring Harrison Ford & Tommy Lee Jones, this movie based on the TV series that ran from 1963-67 is about a doctor who's wrongly accused of murdering his wife…and must avoid U.S. Marshalls (title of sequel in 1998) in order to find the real killer, the one-armed man. Great intense chase movie with lots of cool twists and turns…and you really can't hate a movie that stars Han Solo and TLJ. "I DIDN'T KILL MY WIFE!" "I DON'T CARE!" Jump off the dam. Classic. The sequel was okay with TLJ, Wesley Snipes, and Robert Downey jr. but nothing like the original.

Bronze - Mission: Impossible (1996) - Based on the TV series that ran from 1966-73 starring Peter Graves, this movie was about an elite covert operations task force that got their missions via dissolving/exploding films, tape recordings, notarized letters, phone calls, picture booths, whatever necessary to get the job done. I REALLY liked the first movie (also by Brian DePalma oddly enough) even though it had Tom Cruise…but also starred Jean Reno, Jon Voight (Can you believe that man's seed produced Angelina?), Ving Rhames, and others. The first movie was real to the material…where Ethan Hunt (Cruise) was a vulnerable human being doing a tough job against impossible odds…and using his mind to get the job done. The second movie (directed by John Woo) turned him into an unrealistic superhero type impervious to bullets, explosions, and what-have-you…and there was entirely too much slow motion and doves flying out of orifices for my liking. I honestly haven't even seen the third one because of number two…and now that I know it's from the guy that directed "Cloverfield" (J.J. Abrams) I may just pass on it, unless one of you think that I should check it out.

Suggestion - The Saint (1997) - From 1962-69, Simon Templar was played by Roger Moore on the small screen so when they decided to bring it to the big screen, they decided to go with Batman instead of James Bond…and by that, I mean Val Kilmer. Through in the world's hottest babysitter Elisabeth Shue ("Adventures in Babysitting") and a strong performance by Rade Serbedzija as the villain…with a twisting plot, hot steamy scenes, lots of disguises, and set it in Mother Russia…then you have a great movie in my personal opinion. I seem to remember mentioning something a few months ago about another Saint movie in the works starring James Purefoy…but I can no longer confirm anything about that. Let's keep our fingers crossed though…and in the meantime, go rent this movie. You'll enjoy it.

Flush It - Miami Vice (2006) - Okay, this was allegedly based on the TV series that ran from 1984-89 starring Don Johnson, Philip Michael Thomas, and Edward James Olmos…but that show was a little campy and focused on being smooth in that 80's way with one-liners and pastel suits. The police work was almost secondary really. If you go in expecting that, you're going to be sorely disappointed. This is a Michael Mann directed film…and he doesn't do comedy…he does raw, gritty, real films with deep character development…and when you throw in Colin Farrell pairing with Jamie Foxx as the new Crockett & Tubbs, you're going to get a real cop drama. This is like a mix of "Bad Boys" and "Heat" without the jokes. Don't get me wrong, I liked the movie for what it was…but the title of "Miami Vice" and the character names of Crockett & Tubbs were the only thing to do with the original material. That's why it gets my flush it. That…and I didn't want to talk about M:I-2 again.

Future Watch - A-Team (2008?) - Director John Singleton ("Boyz in the Hood") is bringing the original badass mercenaries to the big screen. Right now, it's rumored that Ice Cube & Woody Harrelson will be starring in this flick…but it's obviously in the early stages. They're also in the works of making a "24" (2009?) movie that will bring Jack Bauer to a theatre near you. They're also making a "CHiPs" (2009?) movie with Wilmer Valderamma ("That 70's Show") attached to play "Ponch" but little else as of yet. Don't forget about that "The Untouchables: Capone Rising" (2008?) prequel either. It should be awesome when and if it ever gets done.

Well, that oughta do it for me today. Tune in next time when I hopefully recap a wonderful evening involving a blind double date. Even if that falls through, I'm sure that I'll have something either witty, entertaining, or completely insane to say. Maybe I'll take a few shots of NyQuil and at the very least document my dreams. Who knows? You may be the next random star in a wacky doodle of a fantasy. Keep your fingers crossed…and have a great night in either case.

Christmas Shopping

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Today at work, we had a wonderful little Secret Santa gift exchange (which honestly wasn't that secret...as you can probably guess) and Santa (a.k.a. Bubbles) got me the world's coolest Chia Bart. I will display it at work...because I'm hardly ever home...and even when I am home, I rarely remember to water plants. Luckily, my bamboo plant can go weeks on one watering. That is the only reason it has survived. That and the companionship of the stuffed panda bear that hugs him and keeps him warm during the cold, cold night. Anyway, I realized attempting to wrap my present last night, that I had either stashed my Christmas tags & bows in a place that I have forgotten, or leant them to somebody without their immediate return. In either case, I wrapped it (I had paper) and went to my local Albertson's grocery store, where one of my favorite radio stations, Oldies 94.1 KODJ, was doing a live broadcast.


I walked past as they were frantically setting up stuff...and there were a few service men & women in uniform (Army girls are hot) standing, waiting to be interviewed or something, so I said hi & thank you...as any good American should. Maybe this station will be the proud owner of the "Dr. Love Hour" when I start my radio career. I can fill a few hours in the late evening with some smooth R&B hits from the 60's, 70's, & 80's. Anyway, then I tried to find some Christmas tags & bows...to no avail. I asked a clerk, "I don't think we have those here." "What? You don't have Christmas tags? How is that possible?" "I don't know. I haven't seen them anywhere and we don't have any seasonal display thing for Christmas stuff this year." "Schucks. Okay, thank you." So I took some hotel stationary that I had at home, addressed it "To: Laquesse & Baby, From: Santa c/o The Kool Kidz" and she was happy to get it despite my obvious male wrapping and decoration skills.


Christmas Shopping - I've noticed that when I go Christmas shopping for others, it usually turns out to be a kind of "One for you, one for me" situation. For example, I'll go to Best Buy or something to get a movie or video game that I think somebody on my Groovy List (not on my S**t List) would want...and then I'll see something on sale that I would like. "Oh nice. Freddie Jackson's Greatest Hits for $9.99? I gots to get that." Then one of my other personalities will throw in their two cents, "Mookie, you shouldn't get that. Somebody might get that for you for Christmas. Then what? Are you going to ask for a receipt or something? After they spent all that time looking at five different stores for it?" "You're probably right, $teve. You're always right. Wait, nobody that I know knows who the hell Freddy Jackson is...less that I would be interested in an album of his greatest hits from the 70's and 80's. I'm willing to take that risk and get it now...while it's only $9.99 plus tax. Besides, then I'd get double reward points too." "You're right, Mookie. You've proven your case. Please, proceed with your purchase. Any thoughts on what you're going to get your stepmother?" "I don't know. I was thinking just stopping by the Dancing Crane and..." This is my world, ladies & gentlemen. Welcome. A constant struggle between two opposing sides. So if I seem to drift off for no apparent reason, either I'm deep in a debate about something completely random such as "Do I really like toast?" or I'm having some hot fantasy about Adriana Lima from two different points of view (star AND director).


So anyway, yeah, I've done about half of my Christmas shopping...but I work everyday for the next eight or so, then it's the weekend before Christmas when everybody else is scrambling like they're making eggs for the homeless. Oh well, I'll make due...and those that I forget, I'll charm them into submission. Besides, the most important thing about the Holidays is just to show those people out there that you care about...just how much you love and care for them. Commercialism and material things are a distant aspect of this time of year...at least to me. If you don't get me a gift, I won't be offended. Maybe just an email saying, "Hey $teve, you rock!!! I just wanted to let you know that I know that you rock!!! Happy Holidays, playa!!!" and that'll keep me warm at night (since nobody else will).


The Day The Baseball Died - In elementary school, I played on a baseball team with my friends in 5th and 6th grade...poorly. Sure, I was fast (long-legged) and I could throw...but I was an admittedly horrible baseball player...and I was fine with it. The main reasons I gave it a shot included that my friends played and they wanted me to play on the team...out in right field so when it's hit out there, I probably wouldn't catch it...but I could throw it back easily. Also, my Grandma Love (dad's mom) was a huge Atlanta Braves fan at that time and I really enjoyed going and watching games with her...just because she was so excited and I loved to see her smile, especially when I knew that she hurt so much from her cancer and diabetes treatments. It was kind of a rough time in my life when I saw her go through that while I was dealing with that puberty stuff simultaneously. I hate to say that I was glad to see her go when she did...but I knew that the pain would stop for her...and the Braves were still doing good, so she was happy. She even came and watched me play once. Probably my best game too because I drove in the winning run on a single...our only win that year that wasn't by forfeit. I know, please, sit down, hold your applause, it wasn't that great...but it was still pretty cool to me...and to her. After she passed away, I really lost any and all interest in the sport of baseball...because Basketball was my girl. I loved her and she loved me back.


For those of you who don't care about sports, I'm just going to let you know that today was the day that every Major League Baseball record, statistic, win/loss record, or anything to do with professional baseball as a whole over the last twenty years became an asterisk. New York Senator George Mitchell released his dreaded Mitchell Report (that has been going on for a decade or so) about steroid use in baseball...and it wasn't pretty at all. Barry Bonds was mentioned in the 409-page report over a hundred times. All-Star Roger Clemens was mentioned a lot (which caught me by surprise). In all, over eighty players were mentioned directly and there's still more data and tests coming in every day. Now, all the home run marks, strikeouts, wins, everything down to the multi-million dollar contracts they've all signed, and if they should be honored is under scrutiny. The McGwire / Sosa Home Run races of the late 90's, the Yankees winning pennants, Barry Bond breaking the career home run record, even the minor leagues are saturated in this steroid expose. It's going to be quite interesting what happens to the sport now that this is in the open...and I don't doubt that something will be done. It's just really sad for those people reading this out there and the kids around the world that might love the sport and have idolized these people for so long...to find out that a lot of their favorites were cheating the whole time. It's really sad. Oh well, screw it. For not caring about baseball, I sure rambled on for a while about it, huh? Anyway, let's put out a movie list or something. I haven't done one of them in a while...


Christmas Movies


Medal Winners


Gold - It's a Wonderful Life (1946) - I'm pretty sure that I've talked about this Frank Capra classic starring Jimmy Stewart as the ultimate nice guy (I like to think that he's like me) & Donna Reed as the girl of his dreams. To me, it's quite possibly the greatest feel-good movie ever made, even though it's over 60 years old. If you have never seen this movie, come on by my place, I'll heat up some hot cocoa, throw in a few tiny marshmallows, and we'll snuggle up and watch it. Or if you're a dude, we'll check it out and play Rock Band afterwards. You can still have cocoa. It's only fair. Anyway, watch it with your family. That's my suggestion.


Silver - Scrooged (1988) - Bill Murray at his finest as this century's (well, last century's I guess) Ebenezer Scrooge turned television executive who comes face-to-face with the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future. Unfortunately, without his Ghostbustin' buddies, he's forced to relive Christmases until he learns the TRUE meaning of Christmas...and it's Love y'all. Sorry to spoil the ending for everyone...but you should still check it out. It's a laugh riot and a timeless classic to boot...brought to you by director Richard Donner.


Bronze - A Christmas Story (1983) - "You'll shoot your eye out, kid." "Fra-jee-lee, it must be Italian." "It's fragile, dear." Yes, we can all go on for days about how entertaining this classic is. We've all stuck our tongues to the flagpole...and learned it's horrible sting. We've all written love poems in explicit detail about what the one thing we all really want for Christmas (Adriana Lima). We've all sung Christmas Carols like "Tis the Season to be Jorry (Fa Ra Ra Ra Ra)" at the top of our lungs. Coming from someone who was a four-eyed blonde kid with an annoying little brother when this movie came out, I loved it. Now, I'm a laser-sighted brown-haired man with an annoying little brother who still watches this movie when the setting is right (and I'm not at work until well after midnight). Also, I just picked up my mom at the airport (in a snowstorm during my lunch break, shhhh) and she has a picture of her next to the "Christmas Story" house during this latest business trip to the Cleveland suburbs. Go ahead, name me a cooler house to have your picture taken in front of. "I triple dog dare ya."


Suggestion - Trapped in Paradise (1994) - This delightful little comedy is about the three Firpo brothers (played by Jon Lovitz, Dana Carvey, and Bubbles' future sleepy husband, Nicolas Cage). The first two brothers just got out of jail for grand larceny...and were picked up by Nicolas Cage. He has been keeping a stable, normal life...until his brothers come back...and due to their clepto nature, and the fact that they found the world's easiest bank to knock off in the city of Paradise, they rob the bank. Unfortunately, during their getaway, there's a major snow storm, and they become trapped...in Paradise. Not only that, but they seem to find their ways into the good graces of the bank manager...and Nic meets his lovely single daughter...and now the moral dilemma and comedy ensues as the authorities close in on them. Give it a watch. You won't be disappointed. Even if you don't like Nicolas Cage, I recommend it for Dana Carvey.


Flush It - Jingle All the Way (1996) - The Governator (Arnold Schwarzenegger) and Sinbad 'star' in this Christmas time 'comedy' about two fathers trying to find the hottest toy of the Christmas season. No, not the Baby Alive Wet & Wiggles with a penis, but the action figure Turbo Man. It's not that good. Even Phil Hartman couldn't make me enjoy this movie...and I didn't think that was possible. Commercialism of the holidays at its finest...and honestly, Arnie in a comedy is usually pretty hit-or-miss. I liked "Twins" & "Kindergarten Cop" but this movie was really bad, in my humble personal opinion, of course.


Future Watch - Bad Santa 2? (2010?) - Probably never going to happen...but check out the first one if you haven't. Billy Bob Thornton is hilarious. That movie made me not hate him anymore after the whole "I'm nailing Angelina" thing. Nightmare Before Christmas 3-D - I have no idea why I haven't gone and seen this movie in 3-D yet...but I certainly plan to. Anybody interesting in going, let me know. I hate to go to theatres alone. You know, since the whole Pee Wee Herman thing. Dumb & Dumbest (2010?) - Is it too much to ask for Jim Carrey & Jeff Daniels to reprise their roles? Oh yeah, this is mentioned because the character's name is Lloyd Christmas. Black Christmas 2 (2009?) - Also probably never going to happen because the first one flopped like Lacey Chabert's chesticles...but again, check out this horror classic too. I've actually never seen the original...but the remake that came out last year has the aforementioned Lacey Chabert, Michelle Trachtenberg, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, and a slew of other young hotties. You owe it to yourself. Merry Christmas!!!


P.S. You're welcome, Mad Scientist!!!

Say Hi to Your Mom for Me

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

First thing's first. Movie Night was again an astounding success. If you haven't seen "A Perfect World" with Kevin Costner & Clint Eastwood, don't feel too bad, it's pretty good...but also mildly depressing (Eastwood did direct it). I liked it though...and Bubbles did too. Secondly, I saw the funniest thing in a long time last night thanks to my buddy TAN. Is there anybody out there who didn't like the "Back to the Future" trilogy? I didn't think so. Well, remember Thomas C. Wilson, the actor who played the bully Biff Tannen (among other related characters) and also starred as the gym teacher in the short-lived television series "Freaks & Geeks"? Apparently, he's singing little ditties now...and this was hilarious.



Other than that, not really much to tell personally. Twenty days until Christmas...and I think that I might start doing the Christmas shopping thing this weekend...but then again, I'm not into the whole getting presents...or receiving presents thing. Sure, I enjoy getting stuff that I didn't pay for...but the Holidays are so much more than that. I hate to feel obligated to get something...so if I get you something, then you know that you rock. Also, I may get a haircut (FINALLY) tomorrow. It's down to the shoulders...and it has to go. I hope you ladies don't mind...and if so, don't worry, it'll be back by Valentine's Day (National Single Awareness Day). On that note, here's the news...



Wonder Woman Would be Proud - Okay, I heard about this story on ESPN, so you know it has to be good. At the Antique Market in Jackson, Mississippi, two men walked into a store and demanded money from storeowner Donnie Register (the man was BORN to be a salesman with a name like that). After handing the money over, the robber shot at Donnie, who threw his left hand up (possibly in connection with his instinctive ninja training) and in doing so, deflected the bullet with his wedding band on his ring digit. Though the robbers made off with a 'substantial amount of cash' at least Donnie will be able to see his wife Darlene again...and that's what's important. To the robbers, why rob an antique store? You can make away with a handful of Civil War era coins and an old nightstand. That's just silly thinking. There's a reason they didn't have a metal detector or a security guard. Also, shooting him AFTER you got the money, that's even more cowardice...not gangsta at all. Karma will get ya though. Also, this whole thing could be spun around into a really odd Zales commercial (patent pending) - "Diamonds - They could save your life!!!"



Two Miles an Hour So Everybody Sees You? - The world's oldest surviving Rolls-Royce was purchased at auction on Monday by a private British collector for 3.5 million Pounds ($7.22 million by today's market). It's a 1904 Rolls-Royce with a ten horsepower engine (that's right, TEN horses is a modest carriage) with a license plate "U 44". I guess the phone number of the original owner was something like "12" back then too. No radio, GPS, CD player, DVD player, rims, air conditioning, warming seats, or even a trunk. I think that Lord Pennyworth get ripped off...but at least he'll have something to show on MTV Cribs. Maybe it was Robbie Williams who bought it. That dude...is AWESOME!!! Talented singer and performer, rich beyond measure, lives in a stately manor in the English countryside, and an egotistical jackass. We could totally hang out. Hit me up Robbie. I think that Jessica Simpson destroyed "Angels" too. We could talk about it...or just get piss drunk and mess with people. Whatever...



Has eBay gone too far? - Most of you have heard of Mary Carey whether you remember it or not. No, she's not Drew Carey sister...though they both have ample chesticles. She is the porn star who also ran for Governess of California against Arnold Schwarzenegger (and Gary Coleman among others) in 2002. Well, she recently had her 36-DDD breast implants removed (I know, I thought they were real too) and planning to auction them off for charity. Well, at least it's for charity...and better yet, for breast cancer research, which I am a strong advocate for...so much so, that I think EVERYBODY should watch the WNBA and eat Yoplait Yogurt. "Together, we can lick breast cancer." I usually zone out before that last word though. Thank you Mary for your donation to a noble cause...and your tireless efforts in your acting career. I'm glad that you've moved on (possibly to producing or writing or something) and have kicked your addictions to Xanax and alcohol. Have a Mary Christmas everyone!!!



Hot for Teacher - Debra Lafave is the really hot former middle school teacher who slept with her 14-year old student (possibly to get back at daddy) and has been serving house arrest. Since she's been given the old he-ho out of the teaching profession, she has been working as her only other qualified profession, a waitress at a small restaurant. Apparently the money from her book deal wasn't as substantial as she thought. One major problem though - according to her probation, she can't have unsupervised contact with minors...and probably half of her fellow restaurant employees...are minors working after school. Awkward. How did this not dawn on her (or her lawyer) earlier? It just goes to show, looks can get you anywhere...but brains will keep you out of jail. "Hello, Ms. Lafave. It's your lawyer, Mr. Braunstein. Have you had any luck finding a new job while we iron out the book deal?" "Yeah, I found a great job at a Counseling Center for Teens." "(Silence) Are you f**king with me? Ms. Lafave, you can't be around children...and frankly, who are you to give teenagers advice?" "Oh tehehehe, well, there was also a help wanted sign at the mall..." "You know what? Forget it. Do what you want...but I'm no longer trying to defend you. So long, toots!!!"



Where were all the hot teachers when I was growing up? I had ONE teacher, my senior year, who was semi-attractive...but she was a bitch. So much so that it overpowered any possible physical attraction...even for a 17-year old, which is saying a lot. Ms. Lafave though, I would have sex with her...just to say, that I had sex with a celebrity. "Which one?" "That Tampa teacher that banged her 14-year old student." "Really? That's sad." "Yeah, she almost cried when she realized they actually make penises in my size. She was used to teenagers. Totally blew her mind." Even in my fantasies, I miss the point of other people's comments.



HOW DID I MISS THIS??? - So I'm watching TV last night when I get home...and I see a commercial for the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. "Sweet, when is it?" At the end of the commercial, it says December 4th - 10 Eastern / 7 Pacific...or over two full hours ago. "NOOOO!!!" Apparently, I missed a great show. My buddy JJ informed me that Seal wore a shimmery tux...which I don't think is great...and neither did she but it doesn't matter...because he's with Heidi Klum and has a lovely singing voice. He can wear whatever he wants. The Spice Girls were also there. Here are some of the less ridiculous pictures...

You know, I have dreams like this all the time...

If this supermodel thing doesn't pan out...

Heidi Klum could be the World's Sexiest Plumber

"Hi, I'm Heidi. I heard your pipes were clogged..."

Victoria's Secret Airlines - Founders of the Mile High Club

"Excuse me Miss, I'm having some trouble putting

my extra large carry-on package in this overhead bin.

Would you mind helping me get it up?"

Sports News - Barry Bonds is F-U-K-T!!! College football isn't far off...but still entertaining. People constantly complain about the BCS but don't do anything about it. The NBA season is still young. So how do we fill all those ESPN hours when we simply can't find anymore sport writers to talk about the same stuff over & over again? We put in Spelling Bees, gambling, scrabble championships, competitive checkers, chutes & ladders tournaments, and I can't wait for the day that I hear "It was Miss Scarlet in the Study with a Candlestick" followed by $teve saying at home "What was she doing with the Candlestick in the Study? Can you say that on TV?"

There is one positive side about these 'sports' on various television stations...and here it is...

I don't care what cards the rest are holding,

nobody can beat Jennifer Tilly's pair.

Have a great day everybody!!!

Future Dallas Adventure

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Thanks to an enticing offer from a coworker, I may very well be going to Dallas in late November and attending my first NFL game between 'America's team' the Dallas Cowboys (They can burn for all I care really. Go Eagles!!!) and the Green Bay Packers and the immortal Brett Favre. It should be awesome. "The stars shine bright on Thursday night (clap clap clap clap) down in the heart of Texas." The Green Bay Packers have always fascinated me...and I'm gonna tell ya why. Probably half the players in the Hall of Fame played for the Packers...and their home games have been sold out for generations...but the city of Green Bay, Wisconsin only has a population of 103,750. That's a small suburb having one of the most storied franchises in sports history...and nearly the entire population of the town showing up to EVERY SINGLE game. That's awesome. Yet the city of Los Angeles & twenty million inhabitants can't seem to fill a stadium. It's simply remarkable. Anyway, I'll let you know how it goes.

Speaking of football, my team (and Bone Junior's) the Philadelphia Eagles are 0-2 now after losing to the Washington Racists...sorry, Redskins Monday night. Hopefully they'll turn it around soon. They haven't been playing horrible...just losing...but they always start out bad...about half the time they'll turn it around. I'm not expecting a 2-14 season to get another good draft pick like they did to get McNabb. Do you remember who the quarterback was before McNabb? I do...and he was probably the worst quarterback in NFL history. Bonus points if you know off hand...slightly less if you google it.

The Condemned - Okay, so I bit on checking out a movie starring "Stone Cold" Steve Austin & Vinnie Jones about ten death row convicts being stuck on an island and battle to the death for their freedom (see my idea for the REAL Survivor, rip off) and it was a fairly entertaining movie. However, towards the end it got really preachy about exploiting violence for money and all of that stuff...and it proves some valid points...such as convicts make the best athletes (see NFL), there's a lot of money to be had in violence (see NFL, pride fighting, news, boxing, etc.), and that it is morally wrong. Point taken...but I still rented the movie...and a crappy martial arts movie starring Sammo Hung, Michael Biehn, & Maggie Q (chick from "Live Free or Die Hard") called "Dragon Heat" that really wasn't a martial arts movie. It's hard to explain...but it just sucked. Period.


50 Loses the Battle... - Kanye West's "Graduation" album outsold 50 Cent's "Curtis" for the first week of release by the final tally of 957,000 to 691,000. Does this mean that 50 will retire? Will he turn the way of the Rock and want to be known as Curtis Jackson? I sincerely doubt it...and hope not. Anyway, enough of that marketing mess. Anyway, here's Kanye throughing a celebration diamond in the sky. It's the Roc!!! Holla!!!


Today is International Talk like a Pirate Day - Today, nerds all over the globe will be talking like a drunken sailor...or quoting "Pirates or the Caribbean" or "Cutthroat Island" or something. I prefer to talk about my One-Eyed Willie and do the Truffle Shuffle...but not today, because it's Int'l Talk like a Pirate Day...and I'm a landlubber. Anyway, in case some jackass startles you by yelling "Shiver me timbers", just kick him square in the buccaneers and yell back "Raise the mast NOW, beaaaach!!! It's Talk like a Pirate Dizzay!!! Aarrrrrr you okay?"


Suing God is stupid!!! - But it's a lot easier than suing Satan...because he has all the best lawyers. (Insert a half-hour of stupid lawyer jokes...we get it) Okay, so Nebraska senator Ernie Chambers is suing God...but it's to prove what we already know here in America, that anybody can file a lawsuit against anybody at any time for any reason. However, he may have a point.

• God makes pretty bold threats like believe in Me or live in Hellfire for all of eternity
• He uses weapons like floods, hurricanes, earthquakes, tornados, tsunamis, guilt, and avalanches while others use knives & guns
• He is everywhere. Does that mean that he's spying on me? Or watching me poop? That's twisted AND illegal.
• His late night bowling (thunder storms) are very disturbing to others trying to sleep
• Public urination...some call it rain

Anyway, I suspect that he'll represent himself after the Second Coming, give a big fancy speech about Love and acceptance and apologize for giving us LIFE...but worst-case, if he's found guilty, he can magically disappear with or without dropping a few more plagues on us. That's gangsta!!! By the way, I am fully aware that I'm going to Hell...

Ride the SLUT in Seattle - Okay, so the South Lake Union Streetcar is being called the Trolley so that people can call it the SLUT. Ha ha ha...very funny. You know, those people tried really really hard to come up with a name that people couldn't mock...and this is how they're repayed? South Lake Union Metro (SLUM) didn't send a proper image. SLU Guestmover (SLUG) sounded too 50 cent. SLU Railway (SLUR) would have had some speech impediment joke made about it. You couldn't mess with SLUS...but they found a way. Congratulations Seattle...and I'll see you hopefully next month some time...as I travel from SL,UT (Salt Lake, Utah).

P.S. If any of you know where I can get that shirt that I saw somebody wearing where it has SL,UT on the back and a picture of the state of Utah with stripper legs...please let me know. It's probably from some local pervert...but he's got $10 and a customer if we meet.

Lindsay Davenport is awesome - Normally, women's tennis is little more to me than watching two hot ladies beat the crap out of a little rubber ball with semi-erotic grunts...between close-ups of that firm tennis player backside...but this story is cool. Lindsay Davenport was gone from tennis for almost a year and had a baby in June. The other day she won the first singles tournament that she entered in her return...only three months later. Does having children make you a better tennis player? I'd like to think so...and offer my fertile Myrtle services to Martina Hingis, Maria Sharapova, and just about any other tennis player out there...but Martina, seriously, give me a call. It has been too long.

Student Gets Tasered at Kerry Conference - Good! He was being a jackass. Did the police overreact? Not anymore than the student did. That's all I have to say about that...but I just like seeing this picture of him acting foolish...and then knowing that he gets zapped.

Iron Man Trailer - Okay, so I watched the Iron Man Trailer for next year's movie release starring Robert Downey, jr. as Tony Stark/Iron Man among others. I love to see him playing the pompous, fast-talking wise ass billionairre for the first part of the movie...then becoming the superhero. He's among my favorite actors...and I can't wait until May for the movie to hit the screen...but in the meantime...

Robert Downey, Jr. Movies

Medal Winners

Gold - Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005) - If you haven't seen this movie yet, it's smurfin' hilarious & you should watch it. It costars Val Kilmer, Michelle Monaghan, & Corbin Bernsen among others, directed by Shane Black (writer for "Lethal Weapon") and is a dark comedy that told like a first-person detective story. That's all I want to tell you about it. Go rent it tonight...and I guarantee that you'll thank me tomorrow. Money back guarantee. You can't beat that with a baseball bat. In fact, double it. Double your money back guarantee on your satisfaction with this movie.

Silver - Chaplin (1992) - This movie really made him a star (not just that prick high school kid Ian from "Weird Science") and is one of the best biopics out there in my humble opinion. Basically it follows Charlie Chaplin from his humble beginnings to superstardom and into old age smurfing half of Hollywood's hotties along the way (including my Milla Jovovich, Moira Kelly, Marisa Tomei, Penelope Ann Miller, Diane Lane, and others). The physical comedy is pretty good...but I'm going to warn you, it's a fairly long movie at 2.5 hours...so be prepared. He lived a long time...and did a lot of stuff.

Bronze - Natural Born Killers (1994) - As Wayne Gale (Geraldo Rivera's non-union equivalent), he is the Robert Downey that we all enjoy. Fast-talking, heartless, entertaining, and witty...even though it's in this crazy ass Oliver Stone / Quentin Tarantino romance epic that I think that everybody should watch repeatedly. I think it's a good movie...but I'm a little twisted...like everybody involved in the making of this film...so it's all good.

Suggestion - A Scanner Darkly (2006) - Okay, this wasn't a particularly good movie...but it's an adaptation of a Philip Dick novel (like most futuristic movies are) and it's done in some weird cartoon overlay over the actors...so after a few hours, you may get a headache (then again it was probably the beers because I watched it at Brewvie's). It costars Keanu Reeves (whom I bear a striking resemblance to allegedly), Woody Harrelson, and Winona Ryder. It's worth a sit, I guess.

Flush It - Zodiac (2007) - I see really no reason why this movie was made. It's like a documentary about the Zodiac killer of the San Francisco area in the 70's and Bob plays Paul Avery, the columnist who pissed the Zodiac killer off...but he joins up with Jake Gyllenhall to find out...well, nothing really...and I hate to spoil the movie...but nothing happens...after three hours. You'll thank me later. I expected so much more from David Fincher, director of "Se7en" and "Fight Club." Oh well. Maybe next time.

Future Watch - Iron Man (2008) - This has been stated to death. Tropic Thunder (2008) - Matthew McConaughey just replaced Owen Wilson (depression & suicide attempt) on this comedy...and any comedy with Bob Downey AND Matthew McConaughey is worth watching. The Soloist (2009?) - This movie was mentioned in an earlier blog because Jamie Foxx was announced to play the musical homeless man that was popularized by an LA Times columnist (Downey) so that's three future movies I'll probably watch. That's saying something.

Anyway, that's about it for today. I've rambled on long enough about nothing. Have a great day...and keep on laughing.

Sport or Game?

I was watching ESPN the other day (at my brother's house because I'm too cheap to buy my own cable to watch 3-4 hours a week) and I realized that the network of the Worldwide Leader in Sports was playing highlights from the World Scrabble Championship. I've also seen just about every network on television having some form of Poker or Blackjack show weekly, some as much as 4 hours per day. Who can forget the Spelling Bee kid passing out on national TV? Besides our female readers? Golf is not a sport. Period. Don't even try to convince me otherwise...because it's not going to work. Bowling, darts, billiards, even trick shots, these all fall under how I personally define a game rather than a sport. Horse racing? Seriously...what are the requirements of being a jockey other than having a Passport from Oompa Land?

My good buddy Noah Webster & I separate on this subject. His lawyer says that a game is "an activity engaged in for diversion or amusement" and sport as "a source of diversion" or the defintion that I prefer "physical activity engaged in for pleasure." Now, you know exactly where my mind was when I read the latter definition of sport...because it hasn't left the gutter since I was knee high to a butterfly, but the key word being "physical." The way I prefer to define it overall, is really more asking a question...can I play this while chugging beer and/or shots...and not break a sweat? The answer to all the previously mentioned GAMES is yes...I can...and so can most. That is why they should not be on television other than the Game Show Network or something...but definitely not on ESPN...where I already have to sit through hours & hours of baseball & hockey 'highlights' to get to my NBA, NFL, & women's tennis highlights.

"But Steve, what will we fill into those timeslots left vacant by your dismissal of these games? What will be entertaining for our viewers so that we can get our advertising revenue?" I'm glad that you asked, voice inside my head. For there are a number of sports out there that go relatively unnoticed by the big networks but should be given a good solid chance.

1. Women's Basketball - Women & Basketball is like Chocolate & Peanut Butter, Sex & Sleep, Jay-Z & R. Kelly, it's just the best of both worlds. There's a reason why it's played during the summer months...because it's HOT HOT HOT. Sue Bird, Diana Taurasi, Svetlana Abrosimova, even some of the other ladies that didn't come from UConn, all are athletic, passionate, & know how to handle the rock...yet can be delicate flowers just waiting for some 6'8" busy bee to come along & pollenate them...but yeah...I think they should be on TV more...especially since the Starzz moved to San Antonio. By the way, the number one gripe people have about the league is "The girls can't dunk." Well, I think that's an WNBA conspiracy because there is NO WAY that 7'2" Margo Dydek hasn't dunked yet while Lisa Leslie grabbed the rim on a layup a few years back. Were I the Silver Stars coach (and very well may be one day), that would be my primary strategy. Come on now, the 2nd tallest player in the league is like 6'4". She's playing against 3rd graders out there.

2. Sumo Wrestling - Have you actually watched one of these tournaments? You may be saying to yourself that it's just a bunch of fat Asian guys in diapers trying to give the other an atomic wedgie...but it's more than that. That's like saying football is a Battle Royale of ass-slapping. Trust me, underneath that thick layer of rice padding is a veritable BULL of man ready to show his prowess by tossing another 500-pound decendant of a samurai out of a small circle.

3. Extreme Golf - This is where golf can be saved. Once the ball is placed on the tee...and the spotter runs off...there is a 10-Mississippi rule in effect where the golfer can walk up from 5 yards away, set up, & swing...before a duo of linebackers is allowed to rush him. Now, because pads would be cumbersome in one's swing, the ground will be padded. This is only on the tee-off. Then the course will have it's usual stuff like the high grass (containing various traps & shoe-hungry wildlife), sand traps (quicksand, of course), & water hazards (including sprinklers on the putting green, so time it right). Then it's more like a game of chess than a good walk ruined.

4. The REAL Survivor - Was I the only disappointed when the people voted off the island weren't sacrificed or eaten by the remaining habitants? Possibly. However, I like the idea of the next Survivor being set.....at the THUNDERDOME!!! Two man enter, one man leave. I say get 32 of the mightiest warriors from the States. Single Elimination tournament (obviously) until a winner is crowned...then he/she (shes can enter if they want too) go on to the world championship...which will determine who gets the next Olympics. That can be the grand prize. What? What else are they going to win? Millions of dollars used in hospital bills? Perhaps the West Bank? There we go, that'll settle that little dispute over there, right? I don't know about the Grand Prize, we'll let the producers figure that out...but the idea still sounds sweet to me. Let me know if you feel differently.

Anyway, I'm watching my little niece & I haven't heard her cry for about a half-hour as I'm writing this...so hopefully she's asleep. She's a cutie. If you're real nice, I may show you some of my pictures of her. That'll be another time though. Toodlooo...