Good from Bad

So this morning, I'm lying in my bed as the morning sun comes in the window and a gentle breeze rattles my blinds. The air is still cool and feels good against my face. I'm still in that state of mind where I'm not really awake nor dreaming. Ah-ha, there's a beautiful woman next to me that I don't recall meeting before...but apparently she really likes me, you know sharing the bed & all...so I make my move (to put it lightly). This mystery woman is quite soft & voluptuous. I'm thoroughly enjoying myself. VRRRRRRRRRRR!!! "WHAT THE...?" I arose to find myself alone in my bed & my landlord running his lawnmower outside my window. It could have been worse. For a few seconds there, I thought I had an encounter with some Sexbot Terminator with her own variation of the booby trap. I checked. I was intact. So, that's how my morning started...and here's a few things that I've gathered from the experience.

• I'm optimistic because a lot of my dreams turn into reality down the road...and having never seen this woman before, this is better than a fortune cookie for me.


• My 500-count Egyptian cotton sheets are really, really nice


• My pillows are about the size & consistency of a firm handful


• I spoke with my landlord about mowing the lawn at 8:30 AM...and he said, "You've never had a problem with it before." "Yeah...but I'm trying to overcome this whole 'early to rise' thing...especially when I'm up until 2 AM."


• Idea of the Day - Lawnmower Alarm Clock, it does the trick


• Idea of the Day #2 - Samuel L. Jackson Alarm Clock, "GET YO ASS OUTTA BED, MUTHA LOVER!!!!!!" (45 caliber handgun firing with every exclamation point)


• As I stood in front of the mirror, checking my reflection out, I asked myself, "$teve, you're a sweet, funny, strong, incredibly gifted man in his sexual prime who should be turning girls out like reversible jackets...and yet you're having your wet dreams broken up by a lawnmower. Why?"


• I didn't have an answer.


• I realized how much I enjoy waking up with a woman beside me...and then remembered that it has only happened twice.


• Illogically though, I wasn't too depressed by it...because I had two great ideas for new alarm clocks, a handsome naked dude that looked a lot like me in the mirror, and a brand new Madden 2008 game for the PS3 to check out.

Madden 2008 - I like it so far in my brief moments of playing it. The defense is more challenging. Instead of scores like 186-0 against the computer, it's more like 85-0 on Easy setting. I've only played one game so far & figured that was the best way to find out the controls...since they change every year. I also tested this Superstar Mode where you make a character & play out their career. So far, I'm a Quarterback taken in the 1st round by the Redskins (Racist name? Only if the NFL's Utah franchise is called the Salt Lake Crackers. Hmm, that's actually pretty fitting on several levels...and the marketing possibilities are endless. Idea #3 of the Day) and my training camp is going so-so...but they played me in only the first half of a preseason game so far...and I was 7/8 for 311 yards and 5 touchdowns. I don't mean to boast...but I may have a spot on the team with numbers like that. Anyway, so far the game's okay. If the situation changes, I'll be sure to let you know.

Stamp Collector News of the Day - A day after the 30th anniversary of Elvis' death, the US Postal Service issued a stamp commemorating....James Stewart. No, not the former NFL running back of the Jaguars & Lions...but the real-life war hero / actor, better known as Jimmy Stewart (Only his mother calls him James). He won the Oscar for "Philadelphia Story" in 1940, then during World War II (the last recorded event in high school history books that I'm aware of), Mr. Stewart flew a B-24 in twenty bomber missions into Germany. Upon returning, he starred in quite possibly the greatest feel-good movie of all time, "It's a Wonderful Life" and many Hitchcock masterpieces before passing away in 1997. If you've never seen his work on film, please...at the very least, check out "It's a Wonderful Life" during the Holidays...and tell me that it's not a great movie through & through. As for being commemorated on a stamp, IT'S ABOUT TIME!!! I mean...that's how you know that you've made it. How many Oscar-winning actors can say that they've really bombed...not that romantic-comedy that nobody saw...but raining fire from the sky? Not too many, that's for sure. I wonder if Jimmy Stewart is somebody's guardian angel now...that would be pretty cool.

Movie News of the Day - As I search through the movie rumor mills that my buddy Tony introduced me to, I've found that they're making a G.I. Joe movie that now has no director even rumored since Stephen Sommers ("Mummy" movies) backed out, but has Marky Mark Wahlberg & Jason Statham rumored to play in it. Call me crazy...but this may turn out to be an action movie. Though it hasn't been said what part Jason Statham will play...I'm thinking it's Destro. Anybody else have guesses? Just look at the similarities...if just in skull structure. Also, it has been my unofficial duty to cast some of the other chief characters such as Snake Eyes (Tony Jaa, but could be CGI really...he's a ninja...he doesn't need to really exist), Scarlett (Johannsen?), and Lady Jaye (Jessica Alba). How about some of the others like Roadblock (Ving Rhames), Shipwreck (comic relief actor), and of course Cobra Commander...but he can't have a speech inpediment to be scary anymore...so I say that he give him an actor worthy of our fear...with a voice like Monty Burns as a baritone. Ah, screw it, let's go with the Rock...sorry, Dwayne Johnson. Movie goers can thank me later...

Sports News of the Day - It seems like years have gone by since anybody has mentioned steroids in baseball...but today, they decided to bring it back amid basketball's referee scandals & football's police record to make sure that they get their fair share of negative publicity. Yankees slugger & admitted steroid user Jason Giambi has basically pardoned by MLB commissioner Bud Selig because he was cooperative in the steroid investigations. This coincides with Mr. Selig's 'If you did it, just admit it' strategy for forgiveness from a struggling sport. However, I feel that it's just his way of getting hundreds (if not thousands) of other ballers to gleefully admit to using steroids...and then being BANNED FOR LIFE from baseball. Why not? They did it to Pete Rose for gambling. By the way, he should be in the Hall of Fame...if not just for his hustle & haircut. (Yaaaawn) Gosh, see what even talking about baseball does to me? Sorry, new topic.

Travel News of the Day - In grand fashion, the US Government cancelled my mother's trip to St. Louis for reasons unknown...but not until AFTER I had purchased plane tickets & made hotel reservations for her & I to have a wonderful time. End Result - The room won't be free in some suburb of St. Louis...but rather we'll be paying a nominal fee for the Ritz-Carlton and fine downtown establishments. My mother will also be providing her own plane ticket down there using airline mileage...but we're still going to have a good time down there. So what could have been detremental to our traveling plans actually made it better...just a little more expensive...but we're giving back to the economy. Thanks Uncle Sam!!!

By the way, did I mention that my Uncle Sam has strong views about free speech? Well, now you know...and he also really likes being in the valleys of this great nation. Anyway, I'd also like to wish a very happy birthday to my friend Heavy J!!! Have a great day!!!