I Have A Map

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night, I watched a movie that seriously didn't need to be made…and it was really, really boring despite being a comedy from Happy Madison productions (Adam Sandler's good ones & "Grandma's Boy"). I talking of course about "Strange Wilderness" starring Steve Zahn, Jonah Hill, and…well, there's a brief cameo by Robert Patrick. Now, it's the usual crude & somewhat offensive humor that you would expect (and I usually love) but it was just…I don't know, ridiculously stupid throughout. The plot didn't even make sense…and I think they realized that at the end…and so the ending is just a blooper. I mean…really? Yeah, I would pass on this one. The only part where I even laughed a little bit…is when I said moments before Steve Zahn, "I have a map." Hence the title of this post…and it wasn't even that funny…because they dragged it out from there. Luckily, I only wasted about 80 minutes of my life on this movie.

This morning, I awoke to a phone call from my blind date…and you'll never guess what happened…something came up. Surprise, surprise. Oh well, we're very tentatively scheduled for next weekend…but if I get this Vegas job, I'll give her a call, let her know that a career opportunity has come up in Vegas, and wish her well in her journey. Her loss really. I'm actually a really nice guy…even when I don't expect to get any. Oh well, plenty of fish in the sea. Just frees me up for tonight anyway with Bubbles & JJ in town to see family for Memorial Day Weekend…and plenty of other ladies wanting to hang out with my sexy ass. Woo-hoo!!! Agh…sweet delusion…now for the news.

Save Me Jebus!!! - Grant Stubbs and Owen Wilson (not that Owen Wilson) were two pilots flying over the South Island of New Zealand when their microlight airplane ran out of fuel…causing their engine to sputter and die. Stubbs said, "My friend and I are both Christians so our immediate reaction in a life-threatening situation was to ask for God's help." Wilson added, "There was an instantaneous answer to prayer as we crossed the ridge and there was an airfield — I didn't know it existed till then." After Wilson glided the powerless craft to a landing on the grassy strip, the pair noticed they were beside a 20-foot-tall sign that read, "Jesus is Lord — The Bible." "When we saw that, we started laughing." Coincidence? You be the judge. Signs are everywhere. All you have to do is keep your eyes open and your hopes up. Either way, I'm glad that those two landed safely.

Cold Cock Museum - Sigurdur Hjartarson is founder and owner of the Icelandic Phallological Museum in Reykjavik, which offers visitors from around the world a close-up look at the long and the short of the male reproductive organ, the penis. His collection, which began in 1974 with a single bull's penis that looked something like a riding crop, now boasts 261 preserved members from 90 species. The largest, from the aptly-named sperm whale, is 70 kg (154 lb) and 1.7 meters (5.58 ft) long…or roughly the size of the average human. The smallest, a hamster penis bone, is just 2 mm and must be viewed through a magnifying glass. Please keep your snickering to yourself. This is educational. One species conspicuous by its absence is homo sapiens, but that may soon be rectified since a German, an American, an Icelander and a Briton have promised to donate their organs after death. The American, 52-year-old Stan Underwood, supplied a written description of his penis (nicknamed "Elmo") for display alongside a life-size plastic mold of the member as well as his pledge to donate it. The specimens, most of which were donated by fishermen, hunters and biologists, are kept in glass jars of formaldehyde or dried and mounted on the wall, creating an atmosphere that is part science lab, part trophy room. Hjartarson has paid for only one -- an elephant penis nearly 1 meter long that hangs, stuffed and mounted on a wooden board, in the museum's "foreign section."

He said he began collecting penises 24 years ago, when working as a school administrator, with little notion he would one day be running a museum devoted to the subject. "It was just a hobby," he said, adding that the collection was relegated to his office until the inception of the museum. "They were not on display in the sitting room." That's ugh…quite the hobby you have there, sir. Can you imagine walking into his office as a school administrator with preserved penises on his shelves…and probably on his desk? Anyway, congratulations on finally turning a profit on this unique museum. By the way ladies, more than 60% of visitors are female. Is anybody surprised? They shouldn't be. What would it be like to be a tour guide at a museum like that? "Over here, we have the member of the very rare panda. Note the pristine condition…for during its seven years of life despite coaching and a strict workout regimen, it was never properly used. Now, we have a special treat for you ladies. In this room ever here, I'm honored to show you one of the finest human specimen…still alive…and in the wild. BEHOLD!!!" Then I'm immediately fired for public indecency and face a few years in prison for trying to pick up tourists.

Panda Update - The Chinese government had sent 4,500 kg of bamboo, 1,050 kg of bamboo shoots and huge quantities of apples, soybean, eggs, milk powder and other food items in emergency rations to feed the giant pandas at the Wolong Conservation & Research Centre in Chengdu. They have to do this because the pandas in captivity can't find food themselves and are prized commodities of the government and Chinese people and the workers at the center & bamboo collectors have been a little distracted by a still-climbing death toll of that whole earthquake thing last week. Eight pandas, chosen to entertain tourists during the Olympic Games, have been sent to the provincial capital of Chengdu and will be flown to Beijing on Saturday. Thus is the premise of Samuel L. Jackson's latest action movie, "Pandas on a Plane." (2009?) - "WE'VE GOT TO GET THESE MOTHER F**KING PANDAS OFF THIS PLANE!!!" "Sir, we'll be landing in Beijing as scheduled in about twenty minutes." "DID I STUTTER MOTHER F**KER??? (Pull out a glock) LAND THIS BITCH!!! THEY'RE GETTING HUNGRY…AND I AIN'T GONNA FEED 'EM!!!" "Sir, again, we have over a dozen trained veterinarians on board to feed…" "ARYANS??? ON THIS PLANE??? DAMN COMMUNIST PANDA SMUGGLERS!!!" Then starts the action scene…but I'll leave you all with that image of Sam Jackson busting a cap in a panda's ass…just in time for Kung Fu Panda to be released worldwide. You're welcome, kids.

Anyway, that oughta do it for today. Still have no weekend plans really…but I'm sure that something surprising & fun will come up. For example, at work today it's Hawaii Day…and you know what that means…everybody gets lei'd!!! Have a groovy day everybody!!!