Happy Birthday, Rebel Without a Cause!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

First off, a happy 77th birthday to James Byron Dean, the legendary icon who died at the age of 24 in a horrific car crash driving his Porsche 550 speedster "Little Bastard" near Cholame, California. Still just as famous as he was over 50 years ago (if not more so) for his appearance and ageless stellar, he & Marilyn Monroe comprise essentially the perfect pairing of tragic Hollywood death and immortalized youth. A constant reminder to treat every moment of your precious life as it were your last. Or as Mohandas Gandhi once said, "Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to life forever." Though many have never seen a movie that he has starred in, everybody has heard of him…or at least confused him with the Jimmy Dean that was a country singer and makes sausages now. He still sadly remains the only actor to be nominated for two Academy Awards posthumously for his roles in 1955 films "Rebel Without A Cause" and "East of Eden". Other than that, there's really not much to say. Poor guy didn't even make it to membership in the Quarter-Century Club. Oh well, there are several memorials to him. There's a Memorial Junction at the intersection where he perished (Highways 46 & 41 in Cali) along with a memorial Tree of Heaven there. He's buried in Park Cemetery in Fairmount, Indiana (born in Marion, IN). There's also a 6-foot cardboard cutout and several artist's renditions of him hanging out with Marilyn Monroe at the Cooliseum in Slick City, Utah. Possibly little known fact, those two never met in real life. Makes you wonder if they had met…if they would have been a Brangelina kind of thing and helped save each other from a crazy lifestyle…but it's pointless to think what might have been of Jamarilyn. We can only learn to live every day like it's our last…without Fear and full of Love. Anyway, that concludes my memorial service for the day. Let's get to the news…

A Closet without a Corpse - A real estate agent in London was showing a 350,000 pound house (money, not weight) which had been on the market for a week. During the showing, they investigated a walk-in closet…and found the owner of the house…hanging from a belt…around his neck. Truly a tragic story about a man committing suicide…but you know me better than to leave it at that. "As you can see this flat offers all the modern conveniences…while maintaining the historic facade. It's actually quite incredible. The master bedroom is very spacious, providing enough area for an array of dressers and the walk-in closet is ideal for BLOODY HELL!!! (Stunned silence) As you can see, the vaulted ceilings are also an added feature so that you can hide the Christmas presents from little ones. Shall we return to the kitchen to discuss the paperwork?"

A Kraut without a Clue - A 21-year old German man has been convicted of sending a photograph of his penis to an unknown woman via mobile phone in the town of Sondershausen. The woman reported the sender to police after receiving the photo attachment of the man's genitals and officers also found evidence he may have sent similar images to other women. "We all had a bit of a laugh when we saw the thing," said presiding judge Christian Kropp. So what's the penalty for this offense? About 150 Euros…and the knowledge that a bunch of grown men & women alike laughed at your knackwurst. Now, I don't condone sending of pornographic pictures to random people. That's just wrong. However, if you're going to send pornographic pictures to loved ones (or people who have wronged you), there are a few keys to remember.

1. Never ever use your phone if it's a prank - That's what friends are for…or people who leave their cellular phone lying around…and would be really surprised when asked about their outgoing picture mail. "What the…I have NO idea where this came from?" The more random, the better.


2. Don't be afraid to dress up your bits - There's two methods to this madness. First is the method preferred for loved ones (who won't file a report) and that's dressing them up as…an elephant or Grizzly Adams, for example. Use of construction paper and/or markers is highly recommended. Put some effort in it too…so that they'll have to squint to distinguish exactly what they're looking at on the 2-3 inch screen. Method number two is preferred for those with good lawyers…and that's to add distinguishing marks such as an extra mole or two…or leaving a beard on when sent…but then shaving (or at least trimming) later on…so as not to be easily identifiable in a lineup. Oh yeah, think about the lineups. "That's him. Number four. I'd never forget that prick."


3. Put some thought into it - Obviously, some of us have put a little too much thought into this…but that's what makes it more satisfying when it works. Have you ever sent a picture to your friend…and he thinks it's just about the hottest thing that he's ever seen…and then you tell him that it's actually a picture of your armpit? You can hold that against him for YEARS…and it seems childish…but through some miracle, it never ever gets old. Ever.


4. Ladies, there's no need to worry - You have the power. You can make a guy's day…if not MONTH by sending him a saucy anonymous picture. It saves them the time of going on the internet for hours at a time to find something half as hot. Now, I know a lot of you are a little self-conscious about your bits…but that's all the media's fault. You're beautiful and should share it with the world…or at least your friends and/or loved ones. That's my opinion anyway.
   

Okay, now I've disturbed myself that I've actually typed this stuff up (believe me, there was more that I deleted…sorry) so let's get back to the news instead of these tips for staying out of jail and still having a good time.

A Mother without a Cupholder - Tina D. Williams was pulled over in St. Augustine, Florida on Sunday for allegedly running a red light. A 24-pack of Busch beer was strapped in with the passenger-side seat belt. Meanwhile, a 16-month old girl was unrestrained in the back seat with 20-year-old Amber Tedrick, who is the toddler's mother. Williams refused to take a breath test and a deputy found two metal pipes commonly used to smoke drugs in her purse. Williams was charged with driving under the influence, child abuse, possession of drug paraphernalia and driving without a license and is currently in jail on $31,000 bail. The 24-pack was taken into custody, consumed, and eventually urinated. It's not clear if the mother faces any charges…but the child is still in her care. I sincerely hope that this was just a one-time funk-up that they were just caught on…because that's just horrible. Putting a 24-pack of Busch in a safety restraint…but not your toddler granddaughter. Heineken, I might be able to understand…but not Busch. Simply unacceptable. However, it just goes to show…you don't need a license to breed…but you do to drive. So drive safely out there everybody.

February 20th: Best of Both Worlds - In less than two weeks, there will be both Total Lunar Eclipse and a Full Moon on the same night. Awesome (because I'm a nerd). Weather permitting, you can observe the eclipse around 10:01 PM EST (8:01 PM in Slick City) for about 51 minutes. The full moon phase has been named the Full Snow Moon per previous entries…as well as "Bring An Enchanted Evening…in Bed" according to my fortune cookie from a few weeks ago. Good times!!! Wait, do you think Foxy might be involved? Ah, crap in my hat…I'm working late that night. Oh well, I'll have to take my break to check out the eclipse. What are they gonna do? Fire me? It's there fault for not having a sunroof…or moon roof in this case. That's gonna be awesome. Mark your calendars everybody…and be sure to send pictures of the Moon (or your Moon) to loved ones to remind them if necessary. "What the…is that an ass? Oh yeah, the Lunar Eclipse is going on right now. Thank you random pimpled butt cheeks!!!"

Well, I guess that'll end it for me today. I may have grossed you out enough for one Friday. Enjoy your weekends…and I'll see you around…or something.