The Eclectic Eccentric: Beowulf Rules

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Only a few more days until I'll be basking in the glow of sunny San Diego and California's southern coastline. I got a call from the Wingmans earlier today and they are getting super excited about the trip. They're also super excited about introducing me to this hot young thing that they met at a hospital (nurse?). Apparently, she's a lot of fun, really good-looking, and "a lot like me" hopefully sans penis. "She has a boyfriend right now...but he's a douchebag, so we gave her your number. She'll probably be calling you soon, so don't be surprised." "She has a boyfriend?" "Yeah, but he's a douche. She wanted to go to Denver to try to be the Next Top Model or whatever...and he was like, 'You're not going to win, so we're not going' and stuff." "Hmm, positive self-image, unsupportive boyfriend, likes tall guys, sounds like I'm in. Wait, she has a boyfriend. Isn't that kind of a big deal?" We'll see how it works out, I guess.

Last night, I got home from work and decided to watch "Beowulf" featuring the voice talents of Sir Anthony Hopkins, John Malkovich, Ray Winstone, Crispin Glover, and others including Angelina Jolie. Directed by Robert Zemeckis ("Back to the Future", "Forrest Gump", etc.) so I expected it to be good...but I really enjoyed it. I had never read the story it's based off (though apparently one of the oldest action stories ever) but using the incredible CGI motion-capture, it was a great movie and genuinely entertaining. Oh...and Grendel's mother is Angelina in 3-D glory. That's worth price of admission right there. The "300" esque action is just extra. Great story with great antagonist...and the action is superb...even if the eyes are a little shifty at times...but really an amazing feat in filmmaking. I think anyway. You be the judge...and I'll check out Grendel's mom a few more times.

Smilin' Bob Shenanigans - Steve Warshak is the founder and president of Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals which distributes Enzyte and a number of other products that allegedly (love that word) boost energy, manage weight, reduce memory loss, aid restful sleep, make you smile uncontrollably, stiffen the magic stick, and an assortment of other "male enhancement" features. However, Mr. Warshak faces more than twenty years in ass-packin' prison and his company could forfeit many millions of dollars because a federal court jury found the owner guilty of conspiracy to commit mail fraud, bank fraud, and money laundering. Prosecutors claimed customers were bilked out of $100 million through a series of deceptive ads, manipulated credit card transactions and the company's refusal to accept returns or cancel orders. They said unauthorized credit card charges generated thousands of complaints over unordered products. Former employees testified that the company created fictitious doctors (Dr. Mookie Love thinks that is deplorable) to endorse the pills, fabricated a customer-satisfaction survey and made up numbers to back claims about Enzyte's effectiveness. So apparently, selling placebos is a booming business…but don't get caught. The best part about the story though…is that Mr. Warshak's MOM and other family members were convicted of the same stuff (business & family don't mix).

Why I'm Not Going To Watch This Year Either - Okay, so the first season of "Dancing With The Stars", I watched a few episodes…but it was purely for the greatest reason possible. I was getting to know my girlfriends' parents while she was recovering from heart surgery…and she was thanking me afterwards orally. I honestly don't even remember who won…but I think it was the Seinfeld guy. This year, the list of participants is a who's who of reality should-be's. Kristi Yamaguchi should be interesting. I still have a little crush on her…then again I haven't seen her since Lillehammer. Shannon Elizabeth, that's worth the price of admission right there…because it's free…and it's about time because I want my money back from "Thirteen Ghosts" damnit. Steve Guttenberg…is apparently still alive…and he gets my dark horse vote. Mrs. Andre Agassi a.k.a. Monica Seles will make it to the first show. Star of the NFL's worst team, Jason Taylor will make a brief appearance. Magician Penn Jillette's only chance is if he makes his partner's clothes disappear…and by partner, I mean the dancing partner, not that little mute guy Teller. How the hell is Marlee Matlin going to keep the beat? That should be interesting. I don't even know who Christian De La Fuente and Marissa Janet Winokur are. I don't think it's really fair to have R&B stars like Mario in the competition…because they have training. I think he should be replaced by Ron Jeremy…because he looks like Super Mario. My pick for the winner - Priscilla Presley…and not just because she's the bride of Elvis…but because she's still hot & I think she'll surprise a lot of people. Anybody taking bets? Didn't think so. Let me know how it goes. The show starts March 17th.

How To Steal a Bridge - Police in the western Czechoslovakian border town of Cheb have launched an investigation into the theft of a four-ton railway bridge. Police spokesperson Martina Hruskova said in a lovely accent, "We are not sure if it was taken for personal use or for its scrap value. It is the first time we have dealt with this type of theft." Personal Use? Really? Like somebody needed a stretch of railroad track to finish up their California King-sized train set. Maybe something to compliment the landscaping in the backyard. A conversation piece strategically placed outside the breakfast nook. "Oh my, you've changed this living room somehow. Did you rearrange the furniture?" "Why yes. Then again, I had to because of the new metro stop conveniently located next to the armoire." "That's what's different. Did you stumble upon that at a yard sale?" "Oh-ho-ho no, it happened to have fallen from a truck whilst I was driving neh its rear." "Smashing." Anyway, best of luck to them in finding the railroad section. The logistics involved suggests KGB…but they don't exist…and never have. Period. Stop asking questions about us.

I Predicted Wrong (Gasp) - Alas, it appears that a bold predication that I made many months ago will not come to pass…for 7'5" center Yao Ming of the NBA's Houston Rockets has suffered a stress fracture in his foot…and will be unable to play for the remainder of the year. Thus nullifying any slim chance that he had…of becoming this year's Most Valuable Player. Though voted a starter to the All-Star Game last weekend and having an amazing year where he was averaging 22 points and 10 rebounds per game, while still holding the title of NBA's tallest player, and currently riding a 12-game winning streak, he suffered the injury…and had an emotional press conference. It really is a shame…and I hope that he makes a full recovery…and fulfills my prediction for next year - YAO MING WILL BE THE 2009 MVP!!! Why you ask, when my favorite team the Spurs play their home games inches on the map away in San Antonio? Because I have no doubt…that Yao Ming will come back stronger, faster, and more resilient than before. We have the technology. He's a 7'5" Chinese man. Tell me that technology wasn't involved in that. Anyway, hopefully he'll be ready to play by the time the Olympics come around. He's basically the symbol of Chinese athleticism...and an international icon. Get well soon, big guy!!!

Runaway Lawnmower Kills Monk - If there was 'naked' or 'hooker' in there somewhere, it would essentially be a perfect headline…but alas it is true. Reverend Seiji Handa was cutting the grass around his peace pagoda in the English city of Milton Keynes when the accident occurred last August. He got out of the tractor to inspect something but the vehicle, which was pulling a multi-bladed grass cutting machine, slipped its handbrake…and mulched him. Truly a tragedy…and I feel really bad for laughing about it…yet I can't seem to stop. I have a friend from high school who had a similar tragedy…but it was basically his older brother (kind of an idiot) running over his leg with a lawnmower while he was napping in the front yard. That's how he tells it…but that sounds…suspicious to say the least. So anyway, he has a prosthetic leg…and his brother still gets to be an idiot. Be careful with lawnmowers, ladies & gentlemen. Don't let your kids operate them either. They don't have the coordination or brainpower to fully grasp the concept. It's true. Don't believe me? Ask a friend of yours who knows them. "I wouldn't trust that boy with a ketchup popsicle, less a piece of heavy machinery." Anyway, I digress. Be safe out there with your lawn maintenance.

Viking Women Dressed Provocatively - Inspired by Beowulf, analysis of the remnants of from a woman's wardrobe discovered in a 10th century Russian grave shows that Viking women had a bit more flare in their garments before the introduction of Christianity. Imported colored-silk gowns adorned with metallic breast coverings and long trains may soon be found…throwing doubt upon the previously thought-to-be prudish nature of Viking wear (coupled with the sub-zero temperatures). Textile researcher Annika Larsson said, "When Christianity came, the dress was more like that of nuns. There was a big difference." Larsson discovered a blue silk dress and associated ornaments in a grave in the Russian region of Pskov and said it was positioned in a way suggesting it would be worn in the afterlife. The new finding reveals instead that a Viking woman's dress consisted of a single piece of fabric with an opening in the front. A pair of brooches, or clasps, was situated on top of the breasts to accentuate the wearer's figure. Now, after all that scientific mumbo jumbo, I'm sure that you've all been thinking what I've been thinking…about large Viking women in sexy attire…so without further ado, here they go. Have a great day everybody!!! Call now for natural male enhancement...