Happy Groundhog Day

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

I just showed up at work and am hanging with Kelli with an I. Check out her new blog about her budding family. She's a little ball of energy…and you never know what she's going to say next in real life. Tell her Dr. Love sent ya. Other than that, a happy Groundhog Day to everyone. Apparently, if Punxsutawney Phil sees his shadow (which he did) then winter will last six more weeks. However, all the other groundhogs (a.k.a. Woodchucks a.k.a. Marmots a.k.a. Ground Squirrels a.k.a. Ron Jeremys) did not see their shadows…therefore, there will be an early spring…I guess in their regions. Who are these other groundhogs, you ask? Balzac Billy, General Beauregard Lee, Malverne Mel, Sir Walter Wally, Wiarton Willie, Shubenacadie Sam, and Staten Island Chuck. My hat's off to the people who come up with these names. So…there may be an early spring…but these groundhogs are just like any other meteorologist, sure they're cute…but they're really just guessing. I know of at least one groundhog preparing for a long winter.

Last night, I watched "Blade Runner" and it's still a cool show…even a quarter-century after it was released. It makes you question what makes a human being. Is it the summation of your memories? Could you be a replicant…and not even know it? Tell me…in single words…and only positives…about your mother. Is it our emotions that make us more human than human? Great flick. Everybody should check it out. However, I did have one question. Does anybody have lights in the year 2019 in that movie? I mean…is it ever daytime…or do people have ultra sensitive eyes or something? It's really dark…but I guess that's all about establishing mood. It's just even when Decker (Harrison Ford) walks into his apartment, he doesn't turn on a light switch or anything…so he's always startled when somebody happens to be in there. Anyway, here's some news clips...

Blind Pig Finds A Truffle - Leo Fiyalko has been playing golf for over sixty years. In his prime, he had a seven handicap (which I guess is okay, golf is not my sport). However, last month he recorded his first hole-in-one. The best part is…that Leo is 92-years old…and legally blind. He didn't even see it go in. He meets weekly with a group of age 70-plus golfers…and they had trouble finding the ball…until they looked in the hole. So to recap, he hit a hole-in-one…on a 110-yard hole…with no depth perception…and needing assistance to line up his shot because he can't make out the pin. How many aces has Tiger hit? It doesn't really matter because next round is on Leo Fiyalko. Congratulations, sir!!!

Good Samaritans of the Week - In Wilton, Minnesota, longtime friends Chase Torgerson and Cody Charpentier were driving along a northwestern Minnesota highway near Wilton when they saw a car fly through the air and crash into a median. They jumped out to help and Torgerson (National Guard training) tended to an injured passenger. He even put his own gloves on the victim and, with wind chills at minus-34 degrees, he used his bare hand to call 911 with his cell phone...only to turn around moments later and see one of the passengers from the crashed car hop into Torgerson's vehicle and peel away. To make matters worse, the car thief rolled Torgerson's car, totaling it, just about 800 yards down the road on Highway 2. When all was said and done, the slightly hurt getaway driver and a passenger ended up in jail, and one man landed in the hospital with serious injuries. Guys, I'm truly sorry that you tried to save a couple dicks from bleeding and/or freezing to death…only to have your car totaled. That's hella lame…but I'm sure that good Karma will come around and help you guys out. For example, Dr. Mookie Love gives you kudos…and names you two his Good Samaritans of the Week. I realize that it won't help you get to work tomorrow…but at least you'll know that good things are on the way…and the guy that wrecked your car will have a special place in a special Hell…where pineapples are shoved in orifices.

Coming Soon to the Crazy Whores - Former Baywatch star and wife of half of Hollywood Pamela Anderson will be performing four shows on February 13 & 14 at the burlesque show at Crazy Horse in Paris. "A special number will be created for Pamela Anderson, a striptease on a Harley Davidson," the Crazy Horse said…followed by a neigh and returning to eating his hay. I say good for you, Ms. Anderson. It is Miss now, right? She divorced Tommy Lee…and Kid Rock…and that guy in the Paris Hilton tape…right? Yes? Then congratulations, Miss Anderson!!! Show those Frenchmen what we're fighting for!!!

BMFG 2008 - Speaking of fighting, the Navy has tested a new incredibly powerful gun that they expect will replace conventional weaponry on ships…and it has a touch of starships in its design. The Railgun (as it's called) will ultimately fire a projectile more than 230 miles with a muzzle velocity of Mach 7 (seven times the speed of sound) with an impact velocity of Mach 5 (Speed Racer?) using electromagnetic energy instead of explosives. Here's the video of the test firing. Why make this space age weapon? Why not? "I never ever want to see a Sailor or Marine in a fair fight. I always want them to have the advantage," said Chief of Naval Operations, Admiral Gary Roughead. "We should never lose sight of always looking for the next big thing, always looking to make our capability better, more effective than what anyone else can put on the battlefield." The Navy hopes to have a fully-operational prototype by 2018…and photon torpedoes to be completed by 2026.

Dear Sh*t Face - A collection agency tried to collect a debt of $16.96 on an account under an unusual name. So they sent a letter addressed to "Sh*t Face" requesting payment. This article didn't have the person's real name…but their attorney Kenneth Hiller said, "I've never seen anything quite so brazen." Allegedly, under U.S. law, debt collectors are not allowed to use profanity to collect a debt nor are they supposed to threaten legal action over such a small amount. Nationwide President Phillip McGarvey said the October 2007 letter was automatically generated after his company bought about 350,000 Columbia House accounts. "Sh*t Face" is the name under which the account was opened and the way the coupon to start the club was filled out. "It looks bad to the observer who is not familiar with the industry, but anybody who understands the volume would understand how this could happen. You've also got people filling in famous people's names." I wish Mr. Hiller and his client the best of luck…but they're basically screwed. However, this is America…land of the Free, home of the Brave, and worldwide leader of frivolous lawsuits. Where one person spilling coffee on their crotch can gain them financial independence. Where you can sue somebody for mispronouncing your name for sexual harassment, because your name just happens to be spelled "Phuck Mei". However, this is a little bit of a stretch…even for a courtroom. Good luck, Sh*t Face!!!

Sexual Harassment…Underwater - The critically endangered Mexican fish Skiffia Bilineata are in serious jeopardy of extinction. However, it's not the usual suspects of overfishing, environmental contamination, or an overpopulated predator that threatens their existence…but the onslaught of sex-crazed male Trinidadian guppies. How, you ask? The guppies were introduced into Mexican waters about 50 years ago…but researchers found that when put together, male Trinidadian guppies persistently tried having sex with the female Skiffia Bilineata, even when seven of their own females were present. The male guppies are drawn to large females, and endangered females are larger than guppy females. Further research will decide whether this is a survival instinct…or simply an aquatic equivalent of "more cushion to the pushin'" as some scientists (Dr. Love) has suggested. Anyway, the reason it's really endangering them is that normally Skiffia Bilineata have sex by simply uniting their genital pores in a copulatory embrace (boring) while male Trinidadian guppies have sex using a hooked organ called a gonopodium (severe curve on the podium). As such, they can damage the endangered females, and they have to spend a lot of energy dodging the guppies. My question: Why don't the male Skiffia step up and put the smack down on these Trinidadian guppies? "Hey! Don't be dippin' in my Kool-Aid, mother lover!!!" Humungous underwater bar fight, guppies pull out their sickles, ends in the Skiffia beating them senseless and walking away with their big-bootied beauties. Survival of the fittest.

Greatest American Hero Movie - Believe it or not, I'm walking on air. Why? Stephen Herek will be directing the movie adaptation of the 80's TV sitcom "The Greatest American Hero" scheduled to start shooting in July. The original series had liberal high-school teacher Ralph Hinkley being given a red superhero suit by aliens that gave him special powers. He, along with right-wing FBI agent Bill Maxwell and Ralph's lawyer girlfriend Pam reluctantly team up to battle criminals but things go awry when Ralph loses the instructions to work the suit. Herek obviously wants "names" to play the main characters…so here are my suggestions. Will Ferrell for Ralph (keeping the fro), Luke Wilson or Bill Murray (since it's Groundhog Day) as Bill the FBI agent, and…how about Rachel McAdams as Pam. I'm just thinking of her in a short-skirted business suit…and I like it. Maybe some taller lovely lady since Will Ferrell ginormous…but camera angles, high heels, and milk crates can do wonders. Anyway, get on that. All I want's a percentage Mr. Herek. Help a fellow $teve out. I know you read this blog. Holla!!!

Lakers Become Contenders - With a blockbuster trade yesterday, the Los Angeles Lakers a.k.a. Kobe become a legitimate contender in the West by acquiring All-Star post player Pau Gasol. The Lakers have been doing surprisingly well this year…even though their emerging 20-year old post player Andrew Bynum had a knee cap injury that has sidelined him for a few months. With this trade though, they give a lot of young players and future draft picks for an established franchise player in Pau Gasol, a 7-foot versatile Spaniard who has played great for a crappy team. Funny thing about this trade, Pau was traded for a bunch of players…including his little brother Marc, who the Lakers drafted on Basketball's Christmas but has played in Spain since then due to contract obligations. We'll see if the Lakers have a shot…but my money's on the Spurs still.

Anyway, Super Bowl is tomorrow!!! It's Football's New Year's Eve!!! Party at my dad's place. Brats, chips, dips, beverages, football, commercials, Victoria's Secret, family, what more could you ask for? Have a great day everybody!!!