Valentine's Hangover

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

My Valentine's went surprisingly well…for nothing really happening. I went for a nice leisurely walk to pick up chocolates at the grocery store a few blocks away…and there were a few spots where I trudged through the snow a bit…but no big deal. Valentine's seems to be like…a sexy Christmas. People seem to be nicer in public places. Sure, it may have to do with salesmanship and stuff like that…but even on the sidewalk and stuff, guys especially seem to have a toothier smile and a little extra pep in their step. Maybe it's because they're almost guaranteed sex sometime during the week…and that's enough to give every man in the world hope. I don't care who they are. A guy could get in a pretty severe fender bender or something and it'd be a peaceful scenario. "Oh man, I'm sorry. I was trying to call my wife to see if she was ready for dinner and I just wasn't watching…terribly sorry dude." "Ah hell, that's okay, young man. You just go home and give her the shagging of her life." "Really? Oh, thanks man. I'm sorry. Is there any way that I can repay you?" "Well…you could make her call you $teve. That'd be cool." "Consider it done, dude…I mean $teve. Happy Valentine's Day!!!"

Aside from people passing on the sidewalk and saying hello (which rarely happens any other day), there was another moment that broke my heart a little bit. There's a cemetery on my street between my house and the store…and on the way back home, I saw a guy standing there, looking down where I could barely make out some flower petals over the snow that he apparently dug out. He had his back to me…and I felt sorry for the guy. Then he dropped to his knees in the snow, hunched over a bit and put his face in his hands. I felt a little jerk in the back of my throat…which happens when I'm about to cry myself. Then I thought, "Oh crap, what if this guy's having a heart attack or something?" So I walked over to him pretty quickly and asked "Hey, you okay, man?" He looked back at me…and yeah, he was just crying. "Oh sorry, I just saw you fall to the ground…and well, you know." "Oh, I'm okay." I was kind of at a loss for words…so I asked, "Do you want a cookie or something?" showing him my bags from the store. He laughed a little, "No thanks." "Okay. I'll ugh…I'll leave you be then. Again, I'm sorry." I really meant for the lady in the ground more than my being a dumbass…but yeah, it broke my heart a little. You've really got to appreciate your lady every chance that you get…because you never know what the future holds. By the way, sorry for the downer story…but I think it has a good point near the end. Anyway, back to the funny stuff…

At work, I gave out some heart-shaped sugar cookies and Russell Stover chocolates to the ladies at work…and they were very appreciative. Kelli with an I gave me a Hannah Montana Valentine…and the only other one that I got was from my dad & stepmom…so big ups to them too. JJ, Bubbles, the Mad Scientist, Psycho Bunny, and all the usuals were there. Other than that, it was pretty average…just with slightly more sweets. My brother also won this Valentine's Prize on the radio where he got to choose between a romantic weekend getaway at some resort in the mountains, complete with four-wheeler rentals, massages, and a titanium ring…or a no-fault divorce. "So…which ugh…which are you gonna go with, man?" Of course, he went with the weekend getaway and the titanium ring. I also found that this promotion was kind of popular across the country…and primarily for Rock stations. Interesting. Oh…and my nephew Vinny's doing okay since his circumcision yesterday. He's been crying a lot…but no more than usual…just more heart wrenching pain in his voice from what I'm told. Cool beans. Seattle's a week away…and I'll give you a little more detail as far as what to do in the Emerald City (besides mess with the Munchkins) tomorrow…but for now, the news.

Ghost Stag Sighting - A mythical and ghostly creature has appeared in the wilds of the Scottish Highlands and has been caught on camera. The rare White Stag has been sighted, though the a conservation group has kept the location secret to avoid poaching. The white fur is from a recessive gene instead of albinism…so their numbers are sparse but they are believed to have mystical powers according to Celtic traditions. It is also said that for those who set eyes on the animal, a momentous moment is near but Fran Lockhart, who filmed the stag, said "They say their appearance is meant to herald some profound change in life for those who encounter them...but I am still waiting." Anyway, I thought it was kind of cool.

Jungle Love - Just in time for Valentine's Day, a story of expressed love has hit the wire. A team from the Wildlife Conservation Society was studying gorillas in the Republic of Congo (great movie by the way). They were primarily studying Leah, the first gorilla ever recording using tools several years ago…and is the now also the first gorilla to be filmed mating face-to-face. "We can't say how common this manner of mating is, but it has never been observed with western gorillas in the forest," said photographer Thomas Breuer. "It is fascinating to see similarities between gorilla and human sexual behavior demonstrated by our observation. It is also interesting that this same adult female has been noted for innovative behaviors before." Breuer said only a few primates such as bonobos mate in a face-to-face position, known technically as ventro-ventral copulation. Most usually mate while facing in the same direction…so that they can both enjoy the fact that they're being filmed by German scientists (fetishists), I assume. Congratulations to Leah, a great ape who blazing the trail for others to follow. What will she do next? Will she be the first gorilla to speak German? Will she be the first gorilla to order a pizza using a cellular phone? Will she be the first gorilla to fake an orgasm? Only time will tell…but her place in history is already established among the other greats…like Kong…and Amy. "Amy want raindrop drink."

Harold & Kumar Go Insane - Not one, not two, but THREE couples got the romantic Valentine's Day wedding of their sad dreams…by getting hitched at White Castle. That's right, the same White Castle fast food joint where they have those little slyder burgers (unfortunately none in Utah). The morning ceremony even featured a flower girls throwing salt & pepper packets instead of the traditional rice…and employee nametags on the groom's lapel. Even the cake was made to resemble a stack of slyders, fries, and a drink (Number One on the menu…but made entirely of cake). The only thing that could have possibly made this wedding better…was if they read their vows in the drive-thru. They then retreated to their honeymoon suite (the men's bathroom) and groom Brian Wilson pulled a slyder of his own. Okay, that last thing about the honeymoon suite wasn't true…but everything else is. Congratulations to them!!! May your children come in packages of three as well.

Phone Sexometer - In the Land of Seoul (South Korea, not Memphis), mobile operator KTF has created "The Love Detector" which can secretly check the passion in the voice of a lover by analyzing the voice patterns. Users who speak by pointing their mobile phones at themselves for video conferences can see a "Love Meter" bar on the screen of their handset during a conversation. They later receive an analysis of the conversation delivered through text message that breaks down the amount of affection, surprise, concentration and honesty of the other speaker. The service costs 1500 won (US$1.59) per month. This is essentially unnecessary when I'm on the phone…because it's always full of passion…five bars…all the time. Switch into my Billie Dee Williams voice every time I get a call. I don't care if it's from the credit card company. "Dr. Love, this is Cindy with Visa." "Hello Cindy. How are you doing this fiiiine evening?" "Um, pretty good. I called to talk to you about your recent…" "Ssssh, it's okay Cindy. I know why you called…and I've been waiting my whole life for this call. Would you mind if I put some music on?" "Ugh…if you want." "I've never wanted anything so bad in my life…except for you to tell me what you want to feel. (Dial tone) Cindy? Ah-hah…too much for her. Not the first time that's been the case. She must be on her way over. Look at that. Five bars again."

I'm waiting for the Lie Detector myself. Then every phone call becomes an episode of "Moment of Truth" - "Where you at, baby?" "I'm at work." Robotic voice: "That answer is…False." "Who the hell was that?" "Just my new lie detector. Where you really at?" "I don't care what that thing says, I'm at…the office." Robotic Voice: "That answer is…True." "What? How the hell can he be at the office but not at work?" "See? I told you baby." Robotic Voice: "The Office is the name of a recently-opened gentlemen's club…at the corner of 3rd Street and Main. Would you like me to connect you?" "Goddamnit!!! Technology has screwed me again!!!"

Bai Ling in Need of Bailing Out, Get It? - Chinese actress and model Bai Ling ("The Crow", "Wild Wild West", "Lost") was arrested Wednesday for stealing two celebrity magazines and two packs of batteries…totaling $16 and change…even at airport prices. The 41-year-old actress (Really? 41?) was detained by a store employee who summoned police then booked for investigation of misdemeanor shoplifting and released after agreeing to appear in court on March 5. The day of her arrest, she posted a message on her blog with a photo of herself at the airport waiting for a delayed flight. She made no mention of her arrest, instead posting "Life is a sad song sometime but still sings the beauty for their loved ones." Now for my take on the topic. I'm still caught up on the seemingly perfectly punable name of Bai Ling…and getting arrested. Really though, magazines and batteries? Sounds like somebody was going into the Mile High Club solo to me. Ain't nothing wrong with a girl getting her freak on…but you've gotta pay.

Million Mile Marker - Frank Oresnik of Gresham, Wisconsin owns a 1991 Chevrolet Silverado that he uses to distribute seafood and steaks in the upper Midwest and keeps his truck regularly tuned up…including having the oil changed every 3,000 miles…which is actually about every other week as much as he drives it. Well, on Friday his odometer (remember my thing with odometers) passed the ONE MILLION MILE marker, complete with a film crew from Chevrolet (you'll probably see him in a few commercials coming soon). Now that it's made history as the first vehicle recorded to go over a million miles, an offer has been made by Chevrolet and Shell Oil to purchase the vehicle. Congratulations Mr. Oresnik!!!

The New Leader of SPECTRE? - Okay James Bond nerds, this story is almost too good to be true…so it probably is…but hear it out first. According to the cats at Dark Horizons, the new Bond movies starring Daniel Craig are restarting the glory days of Bond films…and that means references to a worldwide supervillain organization called SPECTRE (see Sean Connery's movies). Now, in the upcoming movie "Quantum of Solace", Bond apparently finds out more about the organization and the main villain is a member of SPECTRE named Dominic Greene (played by Mathieu Amalric) but there's talk of a cameo of the leader of the organization…and that Al Pacino would be taking part in filming. Could you think of anybody better to be the Leader (Ernst Stavro Blofeld)? Even Gary Oldman would have to bow Scarface. Anyway, it's all speculation…but it already has me more excited about the movie.

Anyway, that'll do it for today. I've got a twelve-hour day of work…followed by a day with my dad & brother playing "Rock Band" and watching kids. Have a great day everybody…and remember to romantically surprise your Love every couple of days…at least. It's the proper thing to do. Ladies, be sure to comment so that they know it's appreciated. Have a great weekend!!!