Seattle Superphonics

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday, my mother considered giving my brother her ticket to Seattle since she was sick…but then she was talking about getting a plane ticket for my sister-in-law too…on two days notice...and giving them an extreme cash allowance…and so on. Essentially, it was her paying over a thousand dollars so that two other people could go to Seattle (which they probably wouldn't choose to go unless it were free) while she stays home and watches their two kids…while having the flu. Once this logic was brought before her, she decided to just suck it up and come along with. "Maybe I'll just pay for them to go on vacation some other time when it's cheaper." "I'm always looking for an excuse to go on vacation…but it's your money, mom." So she's going with us this weekend now. Yay!!!

At least now I know where I get my suckerdom from. Shortly after this ordeal, I was on my way to work and I received a call from Filly…and she had accidentally locked herself out of her car…and house…and needed some help, so who does she call? That's right, the person that helped her out. Yay me!!! She offered me lasagna as thanks. "No need to thank me, just pay it forward." I even picked up Wienerschnitzel for Bubbles on the way back to work. That’s right, so in an hour's time I convinced an older woman to go on a weekend vacation with me saving her a thousand bucks, saved a damsel in distress, and delivered hot meat to a high priestess. Not a bad commute to work…and I wasn't even late. What does that mean? A Karmic Foursome!!! Which I hope translates into at least a Physical Threesome…but I'm flexible with that too. Let's see. Other than that, not really much to talk about. The Lunar Eclipse happened…but it didn't matter because we had severe cloud cover / inversion so we couldn't really see it. Damn you, Mother Nature!!! Oh well, Bubbles found a helium balloon and kept me entertained for a few minutes working late. Looking forward to our first real meeting (at least that I was invited to) since the Day of Infamy here at work. It should be interesting…and I expect to leave in a grumpy mood…so be forewarned…but it's all good because I'll be leaving for Seattle shortly after.

Jason the Kidd - Aging NBA gunslinger Jason Kidd was traded (after much league debate) to the rootin' shootin' Dallas Mavericks in a trade that is supposed to make them contenders for a championship…along with the defending champion San Antonio Spurs. A lot of teams have been wheelin' & dealin' with the trade deadline coming up and it looks like it's going to be pretty interesting come playoff time with the top nine teams in the Western conference separated by only five games…which means one of those teams aren't going to even make it to the playoffs. The Eastern conference also has a few title contenders like the Celtics, Pistons, and Cavaliers…but that's just more basketball talk…and that probably bores you guys & gals immensely. I just mention it really because I watched "Unforgiven" the other day…and was kind of in a cowboy mood (thinking about reverse cowgirl really) and the whole "Jason the Kidd" thing was just too good to pass up. I think the Mavericks gave up too much for him…but he may prove me wrong. We shall see. Still second best team in Texas though. GO SPURS!!! By the way, in his first game with the Mavericks last night, he didn't play too well and they lost...but it's only the first game.

Marilyn News - Retired grease monkey Lawrence Nicastro ran a service station in the Bronx when he was a younger man. On New Year's Eve 1962, a man dropped off a Ford Sunliner convertible for repairs…and never returned to pick it up. Nicastro opened the trunk and place its contents into storage. Recently, he decided to check out the contents…and found that what he thought was a picture of legendary blonde bombshell Marilyn Monroe posing as a nude hitchhiker. "Dear Diary, JACKPOT!!!" His publicist believe the photo was taken near Pyramid Lake near Reno in 1960 while Monroe was filming "The Misfits" with Clark Gable. A press conference was held to unveil this new photo to the world…and it ended up being the famous picture of Madonna hitchhiking from her 1992 photo collection "Sex" back when she was fairly attractive and American (before that whole English accent thing). Oopsy doodle!!! The funniest part about it…is not that both he AND his publicist had never seen that Madonna photo before (obviously not of the MTV generation) but rather…how and why did somebody go back in time with a copy of "Sex", rip out a page, and place it in the trunk of a Sunliner…leaving it for others to speculate on nearly fifty years later? Either they're a dick with a time machine…or some kind of evil mastermind. The publicist Chris Harris said later, "Who wins here? Madonna, of course. She really looks like Marilyn Monroe." Correction, Mr. Harris. LOOKED like Marilyn Monroe.

Pricasso - Speaking of misunderstood saucy art, Australian Tim Patch has entered a self-portrait to try to win Australia's Archibald Prize, the nation's top award for portraiture (didn’t think that was a real word…more like something from the Don King dictionary). He calls himself Pricasso because of his unique painting style…in which he uses penis (I believe they call it a Didgeridoo there) to paint the canvas. Nice, right? "I had to use my bum to paint in the background, because you have to have the occasional break." Good luck with the judges. Nudity certainly is awe-inspiring stuff…and great motivation for works of art. Who knows? Maybe you'll win the Archibald Prize and be able to afford a real brush…that you could use as a "fluffing" device for future works if needed. Maybe I'll see some of your work at a museum soon…but in the meantime, I'll have to settle for some naked Roman Art on loan from the Louvre at the SAM tomorrow. WOO-HOO!!!

Cancer Breathalyzer - A new laser analyzer might be able to help doctors detect cancer, asthma or other diseases by sampling a patient's breath. The device uses mirrors to bounce the laser's light back and forth until it has touched every molecule a patient exhales in a single breath, then can help detect traces of compounds found with various diseases from asthma to diabetes to kidney failure to cancer. This is amazingly cool as a method of early detection of horrible diseases without having to do invasive procedures and, for example, pumping radioactive isotopes into your blood stream to see if you have cancer (Which kind of defeats the purpose, right? "Sorry. You didn't have cancer but since we checked using this procedure…") The really weird thing would be if this is a standard device that police officers could use too. "Well, it looks like I can let you drive home. You're under the legal limit…but ugh…I would schedule an appointment with your physician if I were you. I don't wanna startle you…but it rhymes with schmelenoma." I wonder if farts would work even better. I mean…wouldn't it be able to pick up cancer signals better than some dude's finger all up in your prostate? Oh…and on that note, why don't they make it a little more uncomfortable and have one of the hot nurses check there for you? Well, I guess it'd be more awkward really. "Tell me what you see in there, Ms. Jones." "EEEEW!!! Dr. Brooks, I don't know. It looks like…oh God, it looks like haggis…and there's something furry in there…I think. Oh God, I'm gonna throw up."

Bank Error In Your Favor, Collect $5 Million - A man was charged with withdrawing $2 million from an account after a bank confused him with a man who has the same name. Benjamin Lovell was arraigned Tuesday on grand larceny charges. The 48-year-old salesman said he tried to tell officials at Commerce Bank in December that he did not have a $5 million account. Of course, he said that. "I tried to tell them…but they insisted on giving me the money. They forced me to withdraw that much. Scout's honor!!!" He said that he gave away some of the money and blew some of it on gifts and bad investments (probably his kid's college tuition or something). Honestly though, I see it as the game of Monopoly finally spilling over into real life. When's the last time that ANYBODY has gotten $200 for passing go, which I assume means going through an intersection with a green light. Free parking? Never really understood why I got to take all the cash in the middle because my parking was free…but it was probably in a suitcase and I just happened to be the luckiest mother lover alive. As for the other Benjamin Lovell he was confused with…he still has $3 million, right? What? He couldn't supersize his combo for dinner or something? Share some of that cash, man. You can't take it with you. Anyway, I wanna play Strip Monopoly now. "Haha, you landed on New York Avenue with two hotels. Let's see the Hershey Highway!!!"

Church Urges Hanky Panky - A southwest Florida church issued a challenge for its married members: Hanky panky every day. Relevant Church head pastor Paul Wirth issued the 30-day sex challenge to take on high divorce rates - "And that's no different for people who attend church. Sometimes life gets in the way. Our jobs get in the way." Gee, do you think sex'll help with divorce rates? That's basically like fighting anorexia with chocolate & peanut butter. I like this pastor's idea…yet am a little confused. Isn't the point of marriage to have somebody at home to have sex with? Oh yeah…and love and adore and all that other stuff from other people's weddings? NO??? Well then, I issue this same challenge to married couples out there too…whether you go to church or not. Unless of course you're swearing sex off for Lent. You missed out if that's the case. I expect to hear your results on Easter morning.

Anyway, that'll do it for me for a few days. I'll be out of town having a fun time in Seattle…but I promise to come back with pictures and maybe a story or two. Pinky swear. It's a big crazy town. Anything can happen. In the meantime, please read over these helpful childrearing tips courtesy of our good friend Jlee. Click on it to make it easier to read.

Have a great weekend everybody!!! Love the ones you Love…at least twice a day!!! Peace!!!

Happy Birthday, Rebel Without a Cause!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

First off, a happy 77th birthday to James Byron Dean, the legendary icon who died at the age of 24 in a horrific car crash driving his Porsche 550 speedster "Little Bastard" near Cholame, California. Still just as famous as he was over 50 years ago (if not more so) for his appearance and ageless stellar, he & Marilyn Monroe comprise essentially the perfect pairing of tragic Hollywood death and immortalized youth. A constant reminder to treat every moment of your precious life as it were your last. Or as Mohandas Gandhi once said, "Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to life forever." Though many have never seen a movie that he has starred in, everybody has heard of him…or at least confused him with the Jimmy Dean that was a country singer and makes sausages now. He still sadly remains the only actor to be nominated for two Academy Awards posthumously for his roles in 1955 films "Rebel Without A Cause" and "East of Eden". Other than that, there's really not much to say. Poor guy didn't even make it to membership in the Quarter-Century Club. Oh well, there are several memorials to him. There's a Memorial Junction at the intersection where he perished (Highways 46 & 41 in Cali) along with a memorial Tree of Heaven there. He's buried in Park Cemetery in Fairmount, Indiana (born in Marion, IN). There's also a 6-foot cardboard cutout and several artist's renditions of him hanging out with Marilyn Monroe at the Cooliseum in Slick City, Utah. Possibly little known fact, those two never met in real life. Makes you wonder if they had met…if they would have been a Brangelina kind of thing and helped save each other from a crazy lifestyle…but it's pointless to think what might have been of Jamarilyn. We can only learn to live every day like it's our last…without Fear and full of Love. Anyway, that concludes my memorial service for the day. Let's get to the news…

A Closet without a Corpse - A real estate agent in London was showing a 350,000 pound house (money, not weight) which had been on the market for a week. During the showing, they investigated a walk-in closet…and found the owner of the house…hanging from a belt…around his neck. Truly a tragic story about a man committing suicide…but you know me better than to leave it at that. "As you can see this flat offers all the modern conveniences…while maintaining the historic facade. It's actually quite incredible. The master bedroom is very spacious, providing enough area for an array of dressers and the walk-in closet is ideal for BLOODY HELL!!! (Stunned silence) As you can see, the vaulted ceilings are also an added feature so that you can hide the Christmas presents from little ones. Shall we return to the kitchen to discuss the paperwork?"

A Kraut without a Clue - A 21-year old German man has been convicted of sending a photograph of his penis to an unknown woman via mobile phone in the town of Sondershausen. The woman reported the sender to police after receiving the photo attachment of the man's genitals and officers also found evidence he may have sent similar images to other women. "We all had a bit of a laugh when we saw the thing," said presiding judge Christian Kropp. So what's the penalty for this offense? About 150 Euros…and the knowledge that a bunch of grown men & women alike laughed at your knackwurst. Now, I don't condone sending of pornographic pictures to random people. That's just wrong. However, if you're going to send pornographic pictures to loved ones (or people who have wronged you), there are a few keys to remember.

1. Never ever use your phone if it's a prank - That's what friends are for…or people who leave their cellular phone lying around…and would be really surprised when asked about their outgoing picture mail. "What the…I have NO idea where this came from?" The more random, the better.


2. Don't be afraid to dress up your bits - There's two methods to this madness. First is the method preferred for loved ones (who won't file a report) and that's dressing them up as…an elephant or Grizzly Adams, for example. Use of construction paper and/or markers is highly recommended. Put some effort in it too…so that they'll have to squint to distinguish exactly what they're looking at on the 2-3 inch screen. Method number two is preferred for those with good lawyers…and that's to add distinguishing marks such as an extra mole or two…or leaving a beard on when sent…but then shaving (or at least trimming) later on…so as not to be easily identifiable in a lineup. Oh yeah, think about the lineups. "That's him. Number four. I'd never forget that prick."


3. Put some thought into it - Obviously, some of us have put a little too much thought into this…but that's what makes it more satisfying when it works. Have you ever sent a picture to your friend…and he thinks it's just about the hottest thing that he's ever seen…and then you tell him that it's actually a picture of your armpit? You can hold that against him for YEARS…and it seems childish…but through some miracle, it never ever gets old. Ever.


4. Ladies, there's no need to worry - You have the power. You can make a guy's day…if not MONTH by sending him a saucy anonymous picture. It saves them the time of going on the internet for hours at a time to find something half as hot. Now, I know a lot of you are a little self-conscious about your bits…but that's all the media's fault. You're beautiful and should share it with the world…or at least your friends and/or loved ones. That's my opinion anyway.
   

Okay, now I've disturbed myself that I've actually typed this stuff up (believe me, there was more that I deleted…sorry) so let's get back to the news instead of these tips for staying out of jail and still having a good time.

A Mother without a Cupholder - Tina D. Williams was pulled over in St. Augustine, Florida on Sunday for allegedly running a red light. A 24-pack of Busch beer was strapped in with the passenger-side seat belt. Meanwhile, a 16-month old girl was unrestrained in the back seat with 20-year-old Amber Tedrick, who is the toddler's mother. Williams refused to take a breath test and a deputy found two metal pipes commonly used to smoke drugs in her purse. Williams was charged with driving under the influence, child abuse, possession of drug paraphernalia and driving without a license and is currently in jail on $31,000 bail. The 24-pack was taken into custody, consumed, and eventually urinated. It's not clear if the mother faces any charges…but the child is still in her care. I sincerely hope that this was just a one-time funk-up that they were just caught on…because that's just horrible. Putting a 24-pack of Busch in a safety restraint…but not your toddler granddaughter. Heineken, I might be able to understand…but not Busch. Simply unacceptable. However, it just goes to show…you don't need a license to breed…but you do to drive. So drive safely out there everybody.

February 20th: Best of Both Worlds - In less than two weeks, there will be both Total Lunar Eclipse and a Full Moon on the same night. Awesome (because I'm a nerd). Weather permitting, you can observe the eclipse around 10:01 PM EST (8:01 PM in Slick City) for about 51 minutes. The full moon phase has been named the Full Snow Moon per previous entries…as well as "Bring An Enchanted Evening…in Bed" according to my fortune cookie from a few weeks ago. Good times!!! Wait, do you think Foxy might be involved? Ah, crap in my hat…I'm working late that night. Oh well, I'll have to take my break to check out the eclipse. What are they gonna do? Fire me? It's there fault for not having a sunroof…or moon roof in this case. That's gonna be awesome. Mark your calendars everybody…and be sure to send pictures of the Moon (or your Moon) to loved ones to remind them if necessary. "What the…is that an ass? Oh yeah, the Lunar Eclipse is going on right now. Thank you random pimpled butt cheeks!!!"

Well, I guess that'll end it for me today. I may have grossed you out enough for one Friday. Enjoy your weekends…and I'll see you around…or something.

Marilyn, Michael, & Movies

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,


So the other day, I mentioned that I would really like to see a great Marilyn Monroe biographical motion picture. Shortly after I posted that, my fellow coworker / buddy / Ukrainian luster / engineer / movie geek The Mad Scientist informed me that there was an HBO movie made about a decade ago called "Norma Jean & Marilyn" starring Ashley Judd & Mira Sorvino. Really? Wow. I'm not as big a movie geek as I had previously thought. I mean...Ashley Judd is up there with Milla, Angelina, & Adriana on my list. Where the hell was I in 1996 when this first showed up on HBO? Oh yeah, going to school and watching local channels. Anyway, thanks to Blockbuster, it showed up in my mailbox last night...so I watched it. It was a great movie in my opinion (which this blog is based upon). I honestly can't think of a way to make it better. Allow me to elaborate...


First off, as you all should know, it suffers from what I like to call "Titanicism", which is when you know the movie's not going to have a happy ending thanks to meddlesome historical facts. As the opening credits roll, it has the montage of radio reports (establishing the 1950's time frame and filling you in that the movie's about Marilyn Monroe...in case you forgot) and then the movie makers (director, writers, HBO executives) asked themselves, "How do we grasp the attention of the audience so that they'll watch the entire movie? I know!!! We'll have Ashley Judd naked in church. Brilliant!!! Wait, and then, she'll go skinny dipping. Man, it's almost too easy." Bravo to the lovely & talented Ashley Judd for doing this movie. Go Wildcats!!!


Aside from shameless nudity, the story revolves around how Norma Jean had a troubled childhood involving a clinically insane mother, foster care complete with father figure pedofiles, and a burning ambition to be a great actress. As the story goes, she decides the best way to make it as a woman in 50's cinema is to smurf her way to the top...and does so very well...but then develops a schizophrenic personality (we've all been there, right?) and picks up an addiction to alcohol, painkillers, various other medications, and acceptance by others. A lethal combination to say the least. This movie was very similar to "The Notorious Bettie Page" and not just for the incredible views of the female anatomy...but the story about striving to be an actress & just being seen as a piece of gorgeous, curvy meat. The main difference - Marilyn overdosed and died at the age of 36 while Bettie found Jesus and is alive & well at the age of 84.


We all face hardships & see horrible things in our lives...and sometimes we just need good friends & family to help us out through those hardships. Drugs are not the answer...and if you don't believe me just saying it, then I'd be happy to go on a field trip with you to a rehabilitation clinic or some other desireless location to see how they destroy the mind & body over time. I know it doesn't sound like a lot of fun...but I'm willing to help...and I'm sure there are plenty of others out there willing to do the same thing so that you can live a happy, healthy, & productive life...even if it's just blogging away about your opinions and (gasp) feelings. This offer goes for anybody...not just the busty blondes...just in case there was any confusion out there. That's right, even you Courtney Love. We all deserve a second chance. I tend to ramble & drift all over the place and I wanted to make sure that my message was heard. Anyway, see "Norma Jean & Marilyn" and we're off to my next rant...


Michael Vick - Stop rolling your eyes. I just wanted to say one more thing about Mr. Vick and the cluster smurf situation that he's in. Do I think that Michael Vick should be penalized for what he has been a part of? Yes. It was illegal. He should be penalized. Do I think that he should go to jail for it? No. I believe that he should pay a HEFTY fine. Where should the money go? I don't know, how about public schools in Virginia? They could sure use it...and it'll promote thought, which would deteriorate from the allure of dogfighting, right? Why do I think this?

• He's done a lot for his community and the South in general. Sure, you can cynically say that it was a PR move on part of his NFL career...but it was done. How much of your time & money have you donated recently?
• He allegedly killed the dogs after performing badly in dogfights. Have you ever seen a dog that performed badly at a dogfight? Euthenasia perhaps. Okay, that may be a bit of a stretch.
• Also, I'm pretty convinced that he didn't kill the dogs himself. Why? Do you really think that a Pro Bowl quarterback is going to put his billion dollar hands anywhere near a dog that has been trained to kill?
• Sending him to prison for killing dogs would mean that every SUV-driving soccer mom out there should have to spend 30 days in lockup when they hit a dog in the road for involuntary dogslaughter.

These are just my opinions...and I'm not a lawyer or judge or anything (gasp) so I'm sure that he'll get the allotted jail sentence for the gambling charges. I also can't believe it...but Whoopi and I have something in common now. Scary. Maybe one day she'll be funny too. One can only hope. Also, I have an idea of how we can do this dogfighting thing with humans. Now, here me out. What we do is train these humans (probably men) to be vicious, violent individuals specializing in taking other humans to the ground as quick & effectively as possible. Drugs, equipment, incentives, whatever it takes to get the best performance out of them. Then we have them line up eleven on each side and have them fight over something resembling a pigskin chew toy. If they perform badly, we cut them & let them live the rest of their lives with their mental & physical injuries...probably dying long before their prime...all in the name of entertainment. Does this sound kind of morbid & inhumane?

On a completely separate note, the NFL football season starts tonight as the Super Bowl champion Indianapolis Colts take on the New Orleans Saints!!!

Speaking of New Orleans, I don't believe that I've mentioned this on the blog yet...but Tuesday, I will be spending a few days in the Big Easy on a company trip. I've been there a few times pre-Katrina, but this'll be my first time back since then. I expect that it will be a lot of fun...and I'll have plenty of pictures & stories when I get back, I'm sure of it. Speaking of stories from the Louisiana, here are some of my favorites...

New Orleans Movies

Medal Winners

Gold - Interview with the Vampire (1994) - While most probably watched this movie for Mr. Angelina Jolie & Tom Cruise (before he was in the closet), it was a great movie with a dramatic twist to the usual vampire horror...and beautifully set in New Orleans. I've seen a few of the locations used in my previous trips...but I think we're doing a night tour of all the creepy places that'll include some of the spots too next week. Also, this movie made Antonio Benderas a superstar and Kristin Dunst was creepingly sexy despite being...what? Ten?

Silver - A Streetcar Named Desire (1951) - Wanna see Marlon Brando back before he would only work for eight-digit salaries & let himself go? Check out this adaptation of the Tennessee Williams screenplay costarring Vivian Leigh ("Gone with the Wind") as Blanche DuBois, the Southern Belle who moves in with her sister Stella in New Orleans but it tormented by her brutish brother-in-law Stanley (Brando). Simpson fans will also recognize a lot of the lines. Seriously though, it's a classic...and a little tidbit about the play. Tennessee Williams actually based the title on a streetcar with the name of Desiree (Dez-ah-ray, to those who have never dated a girl named that). Here's to typos!!!

Bronze - Deja Vu (2006) - A Tony Scott action movie involving time travel, New Orleans, Denzel, destiny, and Jesus as the crazy bomber (face it Jim Caviezel, you'll never live it down), what's not to like about this movie? I didn't even have to mention the fact that VAL KILMER is in it...or that Adam Goldberg provides comic relief...or that Paula Patton is really really hot. So the story goes like this, a ferry on the Mississippi River is blown up and during the investigation, an ATF agent (Denzel) discovers a body nearby that is somehow linked to the explosion...but how? She also seems familiar to him for some reason. He helps out a mysterious branch of the FBI that has surveillance satellites that can see anything within range...but oddly enough only 4 days prior. Hmm, intrigued? Watch the movie anyway. It's pretty cool.

Suggestion - The Client (1994) - A lot of you have probably seen this one...but then again, if I've seen it, then you probably have to. Here's the plot according to IMDB: "A street-wise kid, Mark Sway (Brad Renfro), sees the suicide of Jerome Clifford, a prominent Louisiana lawyer, whose current client is Barry 'The Blade' Muldano (Anthony LaPaglia), a Mafia hit-man. Before Jerome shoots himself, he tells Mark where the body of Senator Boyd Boyette is buried. Mark escapes, and Clifford shoots himself. Mark is found at the scene, and both the FBI and the Mafia quickly realize that Mark probably knows more than he says. Mark decides he needs a lawyer, and goes looking for one. He finds Reggie Love (Susan Sarandon), who also becomes convinced that Mark knows more than he says, but Mark isn't talking..." Intrigued? Well, Tommy Lee Jones & Mary Louise Parker are in it too, if that helps.

Flush It - Hard Target (1993) - Saying that it's one of Van Damme's best is like saying it's the tallest midget. It still comes up short. However, this is not one of Van Damme's best (gasp) and I may elaborate on the better ones on a future post. I still like this movie for what it is...an action movie about hunting the most deadly game of all - Man. Directed by John Woo, starring Lance Henriksen, Arnold Vosloo, Yancy Butler, and other B-stars, I have to say that my favorite performance is given by Mr. Diabetes himself, Wilford Brimley as the lovable creole Uncle Douvee. If you thought that you could barely understand him on the commercials because of his moustache...wait until you hear him speak all cajun-like. By the way, I would have said "Angel Heart" here...but you've already heard enough about that movie.

Future Watch - Deja Vu Deux (2010?) - Okay, that's probably not going to happen. I just made it up...or did I? Actually, I'm just glad that they're filming in New Orleans again & the city is on the long trek back to the greatness that it was back in 2005. It's a beautiful city that has provided dramatic background to other films like "Runaway Jury", "Double Jeopardy", "Skeleton Key", "Pelican Brief", and "Girls Gone Wild: Doggy Style." The South will rise again!!!

A Day of Training

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So on a few hours nap, I dressed myself up & went to managerial training in downtown Salt Lake City. There was this Nintendo game as a kid that I vaguely remember called "Uninvited" where you were at a haunted house...and there was a hedge maze in the backyard...and behind every turn there was some creature waiting to jump out at you...and that is basically what downtown Salt Lake City is like right now. Basically, it's the new Resident Evil: Slick City, except I'm the zombie. This past weekend, they imploded the Key Bank Tower...and I finally saw the footage filmed from across the street...and as promised, it was bitchin'. However, the result is a hedge maze where the shrubby is particle board and the creatures waiting to jump out at you range from aging blues singers (I kid you not, I saw a walking stereo type earlier today) to cement mixers to a lady putting on mascara on her way to her first Physics class up at the U. Not my favorite place in the world to be...but it's what I do for my trade, I guess.

The first class was about how the company judges success...and I think that the field of Revenue Management may interest me down the line...you know, when I wanna dress up in a suit to calculate all day at my desk. Rather than bore you with details, we'll skip to a wonderful lunch break at the Olive Garden. It was splendid. As I may have mentioned, I love food...especially 5-letter foods that start with P (Pizza, Pasta, and...well, it's another name for cat). However, probably my favorite that is served at most legal establishments...is Stuffed Chicken Marsala. I had lunch with four beautiful ladies (because that's how I roll) and I think the waitress was checking me out in my green money-texture suit...but then again, I'm pretty sure that they're trained to give glancing smiles for tips. Whatever, I'm a good tipper anyway. I gave her a business card & told her to come work for me...out on the corner. That's a great tip if you wanna make some money.

The second half of the day was about training coworkers & effective methods of doing so. Again, I'll skip to the end where I drove home and started packing up for my trip to St. Louis & Memphis. Fifteen minutes later, I was done...because I'm a dude. Did I remember everything? Probably not, but it doesn't matter. I'm going on vacation. I'm the kind of guy who'll spend a month in the Amazon bringing with him a pair of T-shirts and a change of socks. That's right, no pants and/or underwear...because I've heard that's how they roll down in Brazil...and I have no problem with advertising to the Brazilian hotties what's in store...as long as I have plenty of sunscreen...because as mentioned, I burn easily...and I certainly don't want to burn there. My friends tell me it sucks...and I can't imagine how it feels burning on the outside. My friends are man-sluts...and damn proud of it. What was I talking about?

Madden Update - Oh yeah, so after packing, I decided to play a little Madden 2008 in Superstar Mode with my created player. By the way, I retract an earlier statement where I said that I was a 1st round pick by the Redskins (still racist). I was actually a FIFTH round pick - 148th overall. It's okay that 147 players were picked ahead of me...even four others by the team that drafted me. Do you wanna know why? As starting quarterback, we're 12-0 with an average score of 74-20 (I have nothing to do with defense), I've passed for just under 7000 yards & 85 touchdowns while running for just under a thousand & 25 touchdowns. Clinton Portis, my star running back is going to the Pro Bowl (1300+ yards & 13 TDs) along with 4-5 receivers and tight ends. Not bad for 5th round draft pick, huh? If you know nothing of American football, it really is...but it's virtual...so why am I even mentioning it? Don't know.

Speaking of football, why do they call them Tight Ends? Sure, I understand that they're at the end of the offensive line usually...but are they all tight? Seriously. I've followed football for a long, long time...and I just don't understand it. I knew a lot of the football players in high school...and they never really gave me an answer that didn't involve towel whipping in the locker room...so if you know, please share with the class. It's probably a good thing that I'm not a quarterback in the NFL. The interviews would be really awkward.

"Well, that's a problem that we're having with this complicated offense. We're trying to pound it up the middle but the tight ends are inexperienced. We need a wide receiver that can take in anything that comes their way to loosen up the safeties, so the tight ends can take it all in. Heeeee...that was dirty." It'd be the first...and last interview on Monday Night Football to sound like something out of a Penthouse letter about a first three-way with a virgin girlfriend and a trusting and experienced female cousin.

You may be wondering "I thought he said that he wasn't going to blog for a while because of that vacation he keeps getting all excited about." Yeah, I said it...but come on now, this isn't that bad. So I've babbled on about nothing in particular...but now I have a very important message that I'd like to share with each & every one of you...here it goes...

Happy 29th Birthday Mom!!!

Yeah, she was very young when she had me.

Here's an old picture of my mommy & me. I haven't changed much, just hairier. The only reason that I'm sure it's me & not my brother are those bat ears that can pick up walkie-talkie signals & Pay Per View Boxing.

If you think about it, everybody's mom was a hottie once...and this picture was after two grande-sized children and about eight years of marriage. Beautiful...and the canyon isn't bad either.

Anyway, happy birthday mom!!! I already called & left my best Marilyn Monroe impersonation on your machine at work...and called you...and now we're going to party for a week in the Midwest. Sweet. Everybody else, please have a great week & I'll catch up with you when I get back with all those groovy pictures & adventures told through the eyes of the Eclectic Eccentric. Shpedoinkal!!!

Happy Birthday, Norma Jean!!!

I almost forgot!!! Today would be the 81st birthday of Ms. Norma Jean Mortenson. For those of you who are unfamiliar with her work, she's an incredible woman who overcame many obstacles in her life including abandonment from her father & growing up in foster homes, yet still managed to become probably the most well-known actress of all time. However, she tragically fell victim to her own addictions & passed away at the age of 36. Oh yeah, she's better known as Marilyn Monroe.


It's interesting to think of an American icon like Marilyn turning 81 years old...because she is forever immortalizes as the vibrant woman in her thirties. Many of our icons are remembered in a similar way. James Dean, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, John Lennon, John Belushi, John Candy, even people whose names didn't start with J have met their maker long before 'natural causes' could pass them peacefully. It's just interesting sometimes to wonder if Jimi Hendrix would still be touring like the Rolling Stones. Would James Dean still be making movies at 76 like Sean Connery...or would he have made the transition to producing them? Would Janis Joplin have found her 'Bobby McGee' and no longer feel the need to sing the blues? All interesting hypothetical questions (at least to me)...but unfortunately, purely hypothetical answers. Some may say that it's better to burn out than to fade away...but I personally disagree. Feel free to have your own opinion.


How about this hypothetical question? Marilyn Monroe would be 81...but can you imagine what her great-granddaughters would look like? Shazaaam!!! Anyway, happy birthday Ms. Mortenson!!!