This morning was fairly eventful...sort of. It started when a woman from Comcast called to verify that I was able to install my internet properly. I informed her that I was able to install it properly...and to please stop calling to ask me after I've left two messages concerning the matter. That woke me up. It's no Terminator Temptress like a few mornings ago...but still effective. After some bachelor grocery shopping (frozen pizzas, beverages, bread, milk, cereal, chips, nutty bars, deodorant, shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, toilet paper, duct tape, and some chocolate for ladies that stop by), I drove my 1969 LeMans over to my dad's so that we can fix the washer on my wipers so that it is street legal & replace the flasher on my turn signals (he already had one). The flasher was a simple pull-out / plug-in procedure that even I could do. The washer motor was a different story.
Now, I'm not completely retarded when it comes to auto mechanics. If I've seen it done before, I can usually do it with the right tools & work space...which my father has in droves. My dad is an incredible mechanic though...and whenever I'm doing something that I haven't done before, I prefer to have a former professional nearby so that I don't make things worse...like turn a malfunctioning washer motor into a car that won't go anywhere with the pulling of an incorrect plug. I'm a little paranoid...especially when it comes to my two-ton Baby. Also, I observe my dad at work, so that I can do it if the problem comes up in the future...and I also do the tedious stuff so that he can rest his back like "Take out these screws", "Hold this", "Grab me that wrench", "Siphon this hose", "Get the fire extinguisher", "F**k the sun" (it was hot, but still an imperative statement), and my personal favorite, "Let's go inside for a minute."
During our adventure, we found that it was a mechanical motor instead of electrical (because it was made 40 years ago) and we tried to restore it with a kit since Auto Zone didn't have the old mechanical motors (we're going to try a dealership...so if I walk a little funny on Monday, you'll know why). By the way, I noticed at both Auto Zones that we went to that there were jam packed...and only three caucasians in the whole place...me, my father, & the manager. I may have to hang out at Auto Zone more so that I can pick up a little Spanish before going on my cruise in November and impress the senoritas. I don't think my German would be too impressive. "Guten Abend, Fraulein. Wie geht es Ihnen?" "Que?"We were getting a little frustrated because all of our efforts proved fruitless (and it was very warm when the sun wasn't behind a cloud) and I found out that some jackass has been siphoning gas out of my car because I filled it up for the car show 6 weeks ago...and have only driven it thrice, all trips less than 10 miles...but the gas ran out when we were checking the wipers (mechanical, so the car has to be running for EVERYTHING to work). There are a few things that we realized though. We know exactly how it works...because we saw all the parts & how it would work if this wasn't forty years old and worn down. That's a good thing...but still no real results other than having to deal with it at a much later date to get it fixed (schedule sucks for the next few weeks). But then we talked about my brother being unemployed and it calmed us somehow. It's one of those things were you get a little flustered...and you realize that it could be worse...you could be my brother & have absolutely no ambition. Is that strange? It was about this time that I received ANOTHER call from Comcast asking if I was able to set up my internet. Don't worry, I was very polite...and she sounded like a robot...so I assume logic was used & they won't be calling again. Anyway, my dad rules & I would have loved to hang out with him more...but then I had to come to work...and here I am...and now, here's the news...
Entertainment News of the Day - On September 11th, 2008, two highly anticipated rap albums are hitting your local stores (but the internet probably already has them somewhere). These albums are rapper/actor Curtis Jackson a.k.a. 50 Cent's third album entitled "Curtis" and Kanye West's third album entitled "Graduation." Last week, 50 Cent declared that he would quit his solo career if he was outsold by Kanye's album on hip-hop website SOHH.com. Since then he has retracted a little bit, saying that they're 'unequal' and can't be compared to one another. That is absolutely true. It's like comparing Eminem to Will Smith...or Dr. Dre to Timbaland. Or if you'd rather step out of the hip-hop spectrum, it's like comparing my buddy Shaky (Shakira) to Ani DiFranco. If you want hard, gritty, violent, masogenistic hip-hop with Dre beats and music videos full of voluptuous women, then you get 50 Cent. If you want to hear about how Kanye thinks he was robbed at the Grammys again or feel bad for being materialistic...but have a nice beat while you're doing it, then you get Kanye West.My Prediction - 50 Cent's "Curtis" album will sell right around one million copies it's first week while Kanye's "Graduation" is celebrated by about 800,000. However, on internet downloads, 50 doubles up on Kanye...and in the clubs, there's no question that unless Kanye hooks up with Jamie Foxx again that 50 will clobber him in the plays. As for me, I'll probably get both albums...but if Kanye keeps whining about being robbed at award shows I'm going to team up with my buddy Spitsofrantic and do a diss track on him. Stay tuned...
STOP NAMING YOUR CHILDREN STUPID THINGS!!! - It seems like every few days, I stumble upon another story of parents naming children something ridiculous. In Beijing (the one in China), a couple tried to name their baby "@" claiming the character used in email addresses & text messages echoed their love for the child. Now, it's not as insane as it seems...because having taken two semesters of Mandarin Chinese, I can tell you that writing the language doesn't used letters...but is basically a very elaborate game of pictionary that differs from village to village. This is one way of simplifying the name to something that any computer can easily pick up across the globe. Apparently, when @ is translated into Chinese, it's pronounced "Ai Ta" which means "Love Him." It's going to be a long time before Chinese characters can be effectively accepted in most computer systems...but they're working on it. Good luck to them. In the meantime, I prefer to name my children either "?" or "!" for the feelings felt on their announcement of existence. "Dr. Love, I'm pregnant." "That's great!!! (triplets) Is it mine?"
Panda News of the Day - Speaking of Chinese babies, as many of you know, I follow the Panda species and want nothing more than for their species to become thriving & replenished. In Bangkok, Thailand, they are having problems with their Pandas with reproducing. Lin Hui, a 6-year old (that's 18 in Panda years) female received semen from 7-year male Chuang Chuang artificially...because apparently he's a bit of a celibate prude & not interested in sex. Even by artificial means, the veteranarians have been unable to impregnate Lin Hui. (Conspiracy of the Day - Chuang Chuang is apparently overweight for a Panda & on loan from China...perhaps the runt of the litter...)What are the veteranarians to do? They have tried diets, exercise, expensive toys, couples counseling, everything short of bringing in a pair of grizzly bears to show them how it's done. Now, they have resorted to showing video of successful mating to entice them...but think about it...would you want to see video of successful mating? Does that get you in the mood? That's like watching your parents have sex...and you're the end result. Not very reassuring. Just talking about it is making me consider celibacy. That is why...I have a solution...that may very well save the Panda race...and one day, you may be looking at a living legend in China if I can get it to work. Statues on the Bund next to Mao, banners draped over congressional floors with my face, my own chain of hair salons/brothels, can you imagine? Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself...here's the solution.
Two years ago, I spent four weeks in China...and on the last night, I was a little bored & exhausted in my room at the Sheraton Xi'an, when I had an epiphany of sorts. I would make Panda Porn. Being an amateur film junkie, I looked about the room...and found a plush Panda that I bought for a friend & a Panda hand puppet...and within about fifteen minutes (prep time was minimal because the room was elegantly appointed for this kind of feature), I had the footage that would be a prototype for a Panda Porn (complete with a final shot of the male Schwing Schwing have a puff of fine Sichuan tobacco). If you would like a copy, I'd be more than happy to loan it to you...it's about three minutes in length (like I said, a prototype) but I think that with proper funding by the Chinese or Thai government, Dr. Love can produce something much more effective then current films. It couldn't hurt, right? If that doesn't work, don't they have Panda Viagra or something? Slip it in a bamboo chute or something. Another idea, next time they're hugging or wrestling or whatever, turn out the lights...and see what happens.The Japanese are Always Innovative - A Tokyo TV company have said that they will continue to air their news show for the hearing impaired despite having their government subsidy funding cut. Why would the government cut this subsidy for programming for the disabled? Maybe it had something to do with the name, "Naked Sign Language News" or the fact that it's a female newscaster who removes her clothes between segments. The government had been giving the company 400,000 Yen ($3500) for each of the weekly five-minute programs. I admire the company's decision...and now that they'll at least have one more viewer, pending Comcast can pick up that station. I can just imagine trying to sign up for it by phone, "Did you say that you wanted Tokyo TV for the Hearing Impaired?" "WHAAAT?" "Did you say that you..." "H'WHAAAAT?" "That will be an additional $9.95 per month." "OKAAAAY!!!" "Would you like to add that to your package?" "YEAH, YEAH!!!"
Note for American News Programs - Get with the program. Personally, I'd rather watch my news on the Daily Show than Dateline or my local station...because I want to be entertained when I'm being told that the world is full of death & destruction. Now, if I'm watching my local Fox 13 News early morning show Good Day Utah...and I know that if I stick around until the next segment about how to make some kickass brownies...AND Nineveh Dinha would have her top off...then I'll stick around. Hell, if the News at Nine has Kerri Cronk and/or Hope Woodside dropping knowledge naked on a chaise lounge, I'll TiVo that. Big Budah not so much...but I can always make my breakfast in the other room when he's on. I'm just saying, maybe it's not such a bad idea. Parents, remember to set your ratings if you don't want them to watch the news.Public Service Announcement of the Day - If you don't think that Global Warming is occuring, behold the breathtaking peaks & valleys exposed near the Aletsch Glacier in Switzerland...
According to this photo, glaciers aren't the only things shrinking...
Anyway, that's probably enough for me now. If I decide to add something later tonight, you'll all probably read it Monday morning anyway...especially if I promise a little frontal nudity. See? You'd tune in for that News Program too!!! It'd work. Have a great weekend...and I'll blog tomorrow here at work too...so yeah...I'm missing strippers at a buddy's bachelor party to type this. I feel like a sucker...down to the soggy white stick. Oh well, who needs strippers when you have the internet? This is Utah anyway. It's not like I can get a real lapdance anyway. Private shows though, that's the way to go. Anyway, that's another rant that you probably don't want to hear about...but I'd be happy to share if you do...let me know. Peace!!!
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