Airlines

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

That's right, I'm blogging again...when I should be arriving in St. Louis. Here's the story. I woke up bright & early waiting for my ride to come pick me up...but there was a major traffic accident on I-15, probably the worst in a long time because they showed up about two hours late...just in time to miss the flight. I'm sure it was a combination of traffic, accidents, construction, & bad luck...but it's all good. I still get to spend the day with my mom...just hanging at my house watching Comcast.

Here's my opinion about airports...because I'm sure that you asked. When I have to travel more than two states, it the preferred method of travel...unless it's a road trip with at least a pair of good buddies or hot chicks. The greatest invention ever...is the Sky Cap. When somebody says, "Sir, would you like to use the Sky Cap?" they might as well be saying, "Sir, is it worth a dollar to you to not stand in line for an hour and probably miss your flight because you showed up thirty seconds after a group of three dozen retired singles flying to Branson for a hot weekend of gambling & ear medication?" Dollar? I'll give you two per bag, just to show my appreciation. FYI - US Airways does not offer Sky Cap service at Salt Lake City International Airport.

Being an extremely tall gentleman, I like front row or exit row seats...but I understand that I shouldn't get special treatment because of my physical conditions, so I'm happy to sit anywhere...as long as I get free peanuts and an occasional beverage. When I don't get the appropriate leg room, I have a habit of telling the person in front of me, "Would you mind when you put your seat back if you let me know, so that I can move my knees out of the way?" "Sure, no problem." Fast forward twenty minutes after takeoff to where they drop the seat back shifting my knee caps up into my upper thighs. "AAAAAAOOOOW SHIT, thanks for the heads up buddy" he said in sarcastic pain. "I'm sorry. I forgot." "I understand. There's so much on somebody's mind when they're playing backseat driver to an alcoholic pilot who just came back from Singapore. The tendons will heal. It's no biggie. By the way, would you mind cramming a sock into your child's mouth?"

Anyway, enough about airports, that's always standard stand-up comedy fodder...but not for my blog...right? So my mother & I are just chillaxing at my house. We've already watched "Mixed Nuts" which is a hilarious movie that I'd never even heard of before today. It has Steve Martin playing the straight face comedy, Rita Wilson as his love interest, they work at a suicide/depression helpline, Adam Sandler playing...Adam Sandler, Anthony LaPaglia & pregnant Juliette Lewis as a crazy couple, Liev Schrieber as a crossdresser, and some great cameos by Garry Shandling, Rob Reiner, and Haley Joel Osment...before he saw dead people. Now, she's reading a Nora Roberts smut novel...and I'm blogging...DAMN IT!!! I kid you not, I just typed the last sentence...and my mom ordered the new TMNT movie BY ACCIDENT (allegedly). How do you confirm ordering a $3.99 movie by accident? They give you several chances to say no, just in case...and she thought "Yes, I would like to confirm that I don't want it." Maybe it's time for a home. Is Laurence Fishburne really doing that bad? He's giving the intro to the movie.

Anyway, I'd better go check this movie out since it's paid for. Oh well, I like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles...and apparently so does my mother. Have a great one...and God willing, I'll report back to you in a few days when I get back from the Midwest. Now, my dad's giving me & my mother a ride to the airport in the morning. It may not sounds like much...until I mention that they've been divorce for over a decade...and have gotten along...because they see eachother every few years for a few moments. Good times...but I'll be DAMNED if I'm going to pay for airport parking.

Auf Wiedersehen!!!