A Day of Training

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

So on a few hours nap, I dressed myself up & went to managerial training in downtown Salt Lake City. There was this Nintendo game as a kid that I vaguely remember called "Uninvited" where you were at a haunted house...and there was a hedge maze in the backyard...and behind every turn there was some creature waiting to jump out at you...and that is basically what downtown Salt Lake City is like right now. Basically, it's the new Resident Evil: Slick City, except I'm the zombie. This past weekend, they imploded the Key Bank Tower...and I finally saw the footage filmed from across the street...and as promised, it was bitchin'. However, the result is a hedge maze where the shrubby is particle board and the creatures waiting to jump out at you range from aging blues singers (I kid you not, I saw a walking stereo type earlier today) to cement mixers to a lady putting on mascara on her way to her first Physics class up at the U. Not my favorite place in the world to be...but it's what I do for my trade, I guess.

The first class was about how the company judges success...and I think that the field of Revenue Management may interest me down the line...you know, when I wanna dress up in a suit to calculate all day at my desk. Rather than bore you with details, we'll skip to a wonderful lunch break at the Olive Garden. It was splendid. As I may have mentioned, I love food...especially 5-letter foods that start with P (Pizza, Pasta, and...well, it's another name for cat). However, probably my favorite that is served at most legal establishments...is Stuffed Chicken Marsala. I had lunch with four beautiful ladies (because that's how I roll) and I think the waitress was checking me out in my green money-texture suit...but then again, I'm pretty sure that they're trained to give glancing smiles for tips. Whatever, I'm a good tipper anyway. I gave her a business card & told her to come work for me...out on the corner. That's a great tip if you wanna make some money.

The second half of the day was about training coworkers & effective methods of doing so. Again, I'll skip to the end where I drove home and started packing up for my trip to St. Louis & Memphis. Fifteen minutes later, I was done...because I'm a dude. Did I remember everything? Probably not, but it doesn't matter. I'm going on vacation. I'm the kind of guy who'll spend a month in the Amazon bringing with him a pair of T-shirts and a change of socks. That's right, no pants and/or underwear...because I've heard that's how they roll down in Brazil...and I have no problem with advertising to the Brazilian hotties what's in store...as long as I have plenty of sunscreen...because as mentioned, I burn easily...and I certainly don't want to burn there. My friends tell me it sucks...and I can't imagine how it feels burning on the outside. My friends are man-sluts...and damn proud of it. What was I talking about?

Madden Update - Oh yeah, so after packing, I decided to play a little Madden 2008 in Superstar Mode with my created player. By the way, I retract an earlier statement where I said that I was a 1st round pick by the Redskins (still racist). I was actually a FIFTH round pick - 148th overall. It's okay that 147 players were picked ahead of me...even four others by the team that drafted me. Do you wanna know why? As starting quarterback, we're 12-0 with an average score of 74-20 (I have nothing to do with defense), I've passed for just under 7000 yards & 85 touchdowns while running for just under a thousand & 25 touchdowns. Clinton Portis, my star running back is going to the Pro Bowl (1300+ yards & 13 TDs) along with 4-5 receivers and tight ends. Not bad for 5th round draft pick, huh? If you know nothing of American football, it really is...but it's virtual...so why am I even mentioning it? Don't know.

Speaking of football, why do they call them Tight Ends? Sure, I understand that they're at the end of the offensive line usually...but are they all tight? Seriously. I've followed football for a long, long time...and I just don't understand it. I knew a lot of the football players in high school...and they never really gave me an answer that didn't involve towel whipping in the locker room...so if you know, please share with the class. It's probably a good thing that I'm not a quarterback in the NFL. The interviews would be really awkward.

"Well, that's a problem that we're having with this complicated offense. We're trying to pound it up the middle but the tight ends are inexperienced. We need a wide receiver that can take in anything that comes their way to loosen up the safeties, so the tight ends can take it all in. Heeeee...that was dirty." It'd be the first...and last interview on Monday Night Football to sound like something out of a Penthouse letter about a first three-way with a virgin girlfriend and a trusting and experienced female cousin.

You may be wondering "I thought he said that he wasn't going to blog for a while because of that vacation he keeps getting all excited about." Yeah, I said it...but come on now, this isn't that bad. So I've babbled on about nothing in particular...but now I have a very important message that I'd like to share with each & every one of you...here it goes...

Happy 29th Birthday Mom!!!

Yeah, she was very young when she had me.

Here's an old picture of my mommy & me. I haven't changed much, just hairier. The only reason that I'm sure it's me & not my brother are those bat ears that can pick up walkie-talkie signals & Pay Per View Boxing.

If you think about it, everybody's mom was a hottie once...and this picture was after two grande-sized children and about eight years of marriage. Beautiful...and the canyon isn't bad either.

Anyway, happy birthday mom!!! I already called & left my best Marilyn Monroe impersonation on your machine at work...and called you...and now we're going to party for a week in the Midwest. Sweet. Everybody else, please have a great week & I'll catch up with you when I get back with all those groovy pictures & adventures told through the eyes of the Eclectic Eccentric. Shpedoinkal!!!