Pioneer Day

Happy Pioneer Day to Everybody out there!!!

For those non-Utahns out there, Pioneer Day is celebrated on the 24th of July every year as Utah's Anti-Independence Day. Basically, it's the day that Utah became a state back in 1896 after nearly a half-century of independent living. It's been a while since I took a Utah history course (about 13 years) but here's a brief summary for you Outlanders.

Back in 1847, a group of pioneers (mostly Mormon) left from Missouri to find a new place to settle & live their Beach Boys way of life (two girls for every boy) and basically Live Free or Die Hard. You've got to admire that Pioneer Spirit...but more on that later. After several months of trekking through the Rocky Mountain, they came out of a passage by what is now Salt Lake City, Utah. As he gazed across the valley and saw a salty barren desert with a stagnant lake and yet more mountains on the horizon, Brigham Young (pictured above) said, "This is the place!" "But Brother Young, shouldn't we keep going until we find fertile land and palletable water?" "Do you SEE that desert? Seriously. I'm not going across that. Besides, nobody would EVER want to kick us off this land. Look! There's a little creek there coming off the mountain. We'll be fine. OKAY EVERYBODY, UNLOAD THE WAGONS!!! WE'RE STAYING!!!" Define Settler.

This was the beginning of the State of Deseret, a vast region which spread west to the Sierra Nevadas, east to Denver, north to Canada, & south to Mexico. To be perfectly honest though, there were mostly only people in Salt Lake City, some small mining settlements, & the Native American tribes. By the way, for those of you who do not know, I'm 1/16th Ottawa. That makes me only mildly conflicted about the white man killing my people & taking over my homeland...because the other 94% of me would whoop my ass. Also, don't feel bad that you couldn't tell. I only way is to look at my hairless chest...because the rest of me is European Mutt. Just remember that History is written by the winners.

Over the next few generations, more people were heading west to California and some stopped along the way, so the State of Deseret was shrinking around its jewel of Salt Lake City. Then in 1896, Utah gave in and became the 45th State and has been the exception to every state law ever since (Trust me, if they could make whoopee illegal & change the state tree to Jell-O, they would. Have you ever seen "Demolition Man"? It's kind of like San Angeles. Be Well.)

Pioneer Spirit - Seriously, who doesn't want to be the first person to do something great? Whether it's the first person to set foot on Mars, climb the highest mountain they can see, discover a new animal, start a community project, first in your family to graduate from college, or the first to jingle a girl's bell, I think that everybody wants to be the first to do something great. Say what you will about Christopher Columbus (started the greatest genocide in human history) but it takes some serious testicular fortitude to go out to sea for several months heading into the unknown. Now, I realize that it wasn't as dire as most old westerns made it out to be or anything...where the savage tribes would kill any intruders or anything...but you can never know what will happen. What if you're in the middle of Nebraska on a wagon trail & you're last wheel broke...or your sister has typhoid...or any other Oregon Trail game disaster happens? What now? Do you become a settler or do you push on?

Here's a brief moment of perspective though. Last week, I mentioned Sir Edmund Hillary & his reaching the summit of Mount Everest...and how it got him knighted. The sherpa that guided him has probably been up there more than once...as had his ancestors. When Christopher Columbus landed at (what he called) Hispanola, he found natives. Does that mean that he discovered it? Hell no. Anyway, the spirit remains the same...to go off into the unknown, to uncover strange, new worlds...and boldly go where no man has gone before. (Star Trek theme music)

Sports News of the Day - Speaking of pioneers, NBA commissioner David Stern is catching a lot of flack for the whole Tim Donaghy situation (the referee that allegedly gambled & fixed NBA games). Brief history of Mr. Stern's reign as commissioner - Appointed in 1984

• Player Salaries - When he started, "Magic" Johnson has the highest paid player in the league after signing a landmark $1 million per year LIFETIME contract


• Now, the average player makes some $7 million per year...without endorsements. The league MINIMUM for a benchwarming injured reserve who isn't really injured, just doesn't get to play is $400,000 per year.


• Globalization of the Game - In 1983, probably the only European-born player in the league was rookie Dominique Wilkins (born in Paris, raised in Georgia...state, not the country)


• Now, less than half of the names of NBA players can be pronounced correctly by Americans...but games are now broadcast in over thirty different languages.


• Youth Movement - When he took over, an underclassmen in the NBA draft was somebody like Michael Jordan who left college a year early (usually with a degree)


• Now, he has to fight off anti-trust lawyers so that the draft still involves college players instead of drafting straight out of high schools, prisons, & gene splicing corporations in China.


• The league has been faced with its share of tragedies - whether it's the death of Len Bias because of drugs, Drazen Petrovic in a car accident, even "Magic" contracting the HIV virus, thousands of players involved in drugs & alcohol violations...and yet this man is the figurehead that has taken responsibility for this league & all of its intricacies.


• Besides, keeping players like Stephen Jackson, Allen Iverson, & Ron Artest out of jail seems to be a full-time job in itself.

This guy has turned the National Basketball Association into the behemoth that it is today. Now, one of over a hundred officials that are overseen by the league (I'm guessing not directly under Mr. Stern) has been allegedly involved in some gambling situations where the point spreads may have been tampered with...and reporters all over the globe want to criticize what David Stern has done over the years.

"He's been focusing on turning the league's image from hip-hop into this business with requiring the players to arrive in business suits." - If all I have to do to make $7 million a year is play basketball and show up in a CLOWN suit, I'll do it. A few years ago, players ran into the stands & started a brawl with fans. The image needed to be changed. Don't say that it's a bad thing.

"How could he not see this happening?" - Miss Cleo's out of business? The man isn't with the FBI. He's busy handling a multi-billion dollar industry over a global marketplace. He doesn't have time to even wonder if every single one of his thousands of fellow employees may have a gambling debt or a mortgage payment or a cold sore.

Long story short, to all those people out there criticizing David Stern for something that somebody else did while he was doing his job, SHAME ON YOU!!! I'm sorry, but I'm trying to keep this blog PG-13. If I've said it once, I've said it a few dozen times on this blog over the last few months - DAMN THE MEDIA!!!

Celebrity Birthday of the Day - Lynda Carter turns 56 today. You know, for a woman entering her Golden Years, she's still really hot. I think it's the eyes that do it for me. Or the fact that I know that she still dresses up in the outfit & lassoes lucky lads when she gets that itch. When are they going to do a "Wonder Woman" movie??? Hmm, who would play Wonder Woman in this day & age? Jessica Alba? Estella Warren? Charlize Theron? Jessica Biel? I think that the consensus is clear.......it doesn't really matter....for two reasons.

1. Most importantly, Lynda Carter is the ONLY Wonder Woman...and she leaves some large indestructible gauntlets to fill.
2. Having a beautiful superheroinne kick somebody's ass, tie them up with a Golden Lasso of Truth, interrogate them, & then probably kick their ass again, that's Box Office GOLD if I've ever heard of it...and I assure you that I have.

Entertainment News of the Day - WHAT THE F**K, LINDSAY??? Okay, so less than two weeks out of rehab, apparently my good friend Lindsay Lohan has landed herself back in legal trouble on Tuesday. Allegedly (the word never loses its meaning, no matter how many times you use it), she relapsed and chased a woman down in a male friend's SUV in Santa Monica. She had a blood-alcohol level of 0.13 (must have been early evening) and the police found cocaine in her pocket. Ladies & Gentlemen, addiction is a serious problem...and I think Rick James said it best - "Cocaine is a Hell of a drug!!!"

As you know, Lindsay & I are good friends, so it hurts me to see her go through this crap since she moved to Hollywood & became a starlet. Her father is an asshole...and apparently, some of the traits are genetic with regards to addictive behavior, but I may have a solution. Please let me know what you think about it.

"Your Honor, if it pleases the court, allow me to introduce myself. I am Ms. Lohan's good friend, Dr. Mookie Love, PHD. I feel that I have an idea that may help her along her path to recovery. As you are aware, the Hollywood environment is not the best location for a young starlet like Ms. Lohan...so I offer an alternative. I will take it upon myself to house her at my home in Utah, surround her with the good-hearted people that populate this clean, conservative environment, feed & bathe her...PERSONALLY if needs be. She will be cared for & nurtured back to health...and I will help her overcome her addiction...because that's what friends are for."

Defendant Lohan: "I've never seen this man in my life."

Dr. Love: "You see, your Honor? This affliction has damaged her so much already that she can't even recognize long-time friends. Please allow me custody of her & I promise results within nine-and-a-half weeks. I AM a doctor. This can work...and we can save this young woman from throwing away her life. We can save her...but YOU have to make it happen, your Honor. I rest my case."

Judge: "You rest your case? That doesn't even make sense."

Dr. Love: "I'm sorry, your Honor. Case closed."

Judge: "Bailiff, please show Dr. Love to his seat."

Anyway, that's my word...and I think that I'm done for the day...have a great night & if I think of anything else funny or interesting, I'll be happy to share. HAPPY PIONEER DAY!!!