Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Big Brother, Big Bang, & Big Problems

Good Afternoon again,

Conspiracy of the Day - The Weekly World News is being silenced for exposing the Truth to their consumers. After 28 years of in-depth investigative reporting & exclusive access to some of the more crushing stories of our time, Big Brother has finally managed to silence the Media giant (and in the mid-90's, the 5th highest circulating news chronicle in the world). Apparently, they stumbled upon a conspiracy that went too far up the ranks to be ignored...and they had to be stopped...but which could it be?

  • Has Bat Boy become Bat Man and is harassing development on the new Batman movie "The Dark Knight"? Or is he fighting crime on the streets of Gotham on his own as a masked vigilante? Have they exposed the identity of his parents - the great white bat Shikaka & Anna Nicole?

  • Was it exposing the love triangle of Osama Bin Ladin, Paris Hilton, & the World's Fattest Baby?

  • Was it because Mother Nature endorsed Al Gore for President?

  • Did they finally find that indisputable piece of evidence confirming that JFK was assassinated by the King of the Marklars?

  • Did they find out that Global Warming was really due to a near-perfected Weather Machine operated by Cobra Commander? COBRAAAAA!!!

  • Was it confirming one of my previous conspiracies about the Elvis Presley poisoning or 2Pac found on tropical island with Aaliyah & JFK, jr.?

Well, because the Media Stranglehold of Big Brother is ABSOLUTE, we may never truly know...until the Prophecy is fulfilled...and the ONE will set us free...but that could be a while. So in the meantime, they'll feed you LIES about how their sales have diminished or they wanted to focus their efforts on celebrity watching...but we know the Truth. We know the Truth.

Entertainment News of the Day - Brian May is completing his doctorate in Astrophysics more than thirty years after he abandoned his studies to become the lead guitarist in one of the great rock groups of all time - Queen. Back in 1970, Brian & his two buddies Freddy Mercury & Roger Taylor were your average college students with above average creative juices & sex drives, so they decided to start up a rock band because of their love for the Three M's - Music, Money, & Mmm mmm mmm. Anyway, after two full decades of releasing hit after hit, Freddy Mercury passed away and the group disbanded, occasionally reunited for benefit concerts & the like with 'replacement' singers like George Michael & Robbie Williams. Brian May has also released a few solo albums since then.

Since he was a kid though, we wanted to be an astronomer. He released a book last year entitled "Bang! The Complete History of the Universe" (actually devoting an entire 23-page chapter to Marilyn Monroe's curves) and will be submitting his thesis to the Imperial College of London in the next two weeks entitled "Radial Velocities in the Zodiacal Dust Cloud" about how the Zodiac killer escaped authorities because of his superior tires & exhaust system on his '68 Camaro. I'm not sure what it has to do with astronomy either, but I'm looking forward to reading the book (watching the movie coming 2009). Congratulations, Mr. May!!!

Warning of the Day - MySpace.com (of which I joined a few weeks ago & have about 80 messages waiting for me until I get my own internet) has found over 29,000 sex offenders with profiles on the website. Two months ago, they found 7,000 and deleted them from the servers...and they are stunned at the exponential growth. So to all of you out there who have these accounts and are actually looking for dating purposes & getting to know new people, keep an eye out for the signs of a Predator


  • Primary signs are usually a feeling of being watched, followed by odd clicking noises around your computer room

  • Later on, you may notice some odd visions in the dark corners of your house & probably think that your eyes are playing tricks on you. This is their cloaking device.

  • You may notice three small dots, similar to those of a laser pointer, in a triangular formation moving about the room. If you happen to see them on your clothing, run away quickly in a zig-zag motion. It's harder for the Predator to get a lock on you.

Hopefully these safety tips will help you avoid being skinned, gutted, & hung upside down by your ankles as an alien lifeform turns your skull into a trophy. It's a gruesome end...and I wouldn't wish that upon my worst enemy...so please, be careful out there...and cover yourself in mud to avoid infrared detection. Yeah, that's why I'd like to see you covered in mud. Don't mind that mud-covered wrestling ring.

Sports News of the Day - "Tour de Farce" - Okay, apparently Le Tour de France is the Lindsey Lohan of sporting events...and just keeps running into one self-caused problem after another. Lance Armstrong's testicle is rolling over in its grave. Apparently, everybody's taking steroids or having blood transfusions or adding robotic limbs or exposing themselves to illegal gamma radiation or anything else that simply isn't hard work, exercise, & gumption. The leader of this epic bicycle race, Michael Rasmussen of Denmark, was ousted from the competition by his own team because he had lied about his whereabouts last month & missed some 'random' drug tests. He said he was with his wife in Mexico, when he was in Italy....probably with a mistress or something. That's how those Europeans roll from what I hear. This is only the latest in dozens of positive tests & scandals concerning this race over the past few years.

Last year's winner was stripped of his title (I think, but to be honest I lost interest because it's bicycling...and I'm not bi-curious) for testing positive for banned substances. Even the great Lance Armstrong was surrounded in playa-hatin' scandal from all over the place. The man has one testicle, who cares if it makes him aerodynamic? He's lucky to be alive. He whooped cancer's ass before he whooped yours in the bike race. Deal with it!!! So when everybody's cheating, does anybody really win? I guess we'll find out on Sunday when the race is officially over. It's a sad state in racing...but thanks to a previously mentioned individual, I have a little uplifting tune to share with you...feel free to sing along...

"Biiiicycle, biiiiicycle, biiiicycle, I want to ride my biiiiicycle, biiiiicycle, biiiiiicycle..."

Okay, I think that may be enough for a Wednesday. Have a great night everybody!!!

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