Headline: LA Church to pay $600M for Clergy Abuse
The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles ("City of Angels") will settle it's more than FIVE HUNDRED sexual abuse cases for a combined total of somewhere between $600 & $650 MILLION dollars. That's over a million dollars per plaintiff...and there's over 500 of them. There's...something wrong with this case that I can't quite put my finger on...or really would rather not put any part of my body within ten meters of anyone involved. By the way, this is just one city. Though a major metropolis with many, many suburbs & regions...it's all within the same county. Please feel free to read more of the article for some staggering statistics & statements from the parties involved.
Question: Where is the church going to GET THIS MONEY???
Answer: Unless the church invested about seven digits in Microsoft back in the early 80's, I'm pretty sure that settlement is going to come from the good men & women that patronize this sect. Of course, I would have to think that at least 500 of the families that attend those churches would be a little less than obliged to contribute to the church when the pans are handed around come Sunday morning.
"Brothers & Sisters!!! Thank you all for coming here this morninah. (Because I see every pastor as some character from an Eddie Murphy comedy) The LORD's church has run into a little problem with the LA......the LA....the LANDLORD-ah and they need you to reach extra deep down into your pockets and giiiiivah for the LORD of the Land...and the LORD of Heaven. As I look around the congregation, I notice that not many of you have brought your children witcha...and I understand under these circumstances...and the LORD understands. These can be troubling times..." Yeah, I just don't understand how they're going to pay it all off...but I've seen Godfather III a few times...and I have a few ideas.
1) Vegas pays the debt - Gambling is no longer seen as a sin, just a way to giveth the Lord tithing...and maybe taketh a complimentary suite or seafood buffet coupons. The new Tinseltown Casino opens up in Vegas by 3rd quarter 2008 with the Pope cutting the ribbon...surrounded by girls bringing free sacramental wine & wafers.
2) Ferrari pays the debt - That whole story a few weeks ago about driving a fancy car is a sin because you're just showing off your wealth to others....revoked. Upon further review by church historians, Jesus wore Italian leather racing gloves & Mother Theresa drove a 1972 Dino 246 GT. Instead of a million dollars, they all get new F430's. Nice.
3) Macintosh pays the debt - First quarter 2008, the iPray is released offering a one-on-one connection to your local clergyman providing streaming live video...and the option of texting your favorite saint...but responses may be delayed. Please keep in mind that the lines are extremely busy. Kids can hit up Santa on his two-way during the months of November & December.
4) The More than Likely Way - The Catholic church has a strong worldwide infrastructure established & it's just going to be paid out of....well, donations & 'acquisitions' over the last two millennia. I mean...have you SEEN the Vatican??? If not, I definitely recommend it...because it makes Hugh Hefner's mansion look like a trailer after the twister came through. Not even a double-wide trailer, I'm talking about a family heirloom hand-me-down trailer. It's not even gaudy, it's GODy!!! You can miss the Sistine Chapel (a.k.a. the 16th Chapel) if you're not careful looking around at all the cool stuff. They'll probably just pull something out of the piggy bank & pay for their sins the old fashion way....with gold, frankensense, & myrrh.
Oh well, I'm think my brother's on his way home now from his movie so we can go to the barbecue (more next time). Have a groovy weekend & sorry if I depressed you a bit. I just thought that you should know in case the Media happens to miss this one...or they run it & you think it's a rerun. Hay-hay-hay...
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