Why the World NEEDS more Wingmen

When one hears the word "Wingman" it is expected that the first image that pops in one's head is that of Anthony Edwards' character Goose from the movie Top Gun (fittingly accompanied by either Kenny Loggins' "Danger Zone" or Jerry Lee Lewis' "Great Ball of Fire") but wingmen are not entirely located within the United States Air Force Academy & their respective foreign counterparts. Yet in a small way, they are all out there risking both life & limb to protect our civil liberties from persecution both enemies both foreign & domestic...usually domestic. Here is my salute to these great men (and occasionally women...but they're like blonde Japanese girls...sure you HEAR about them, but never really see them) and a few keys to being a great wingman yourself...so that you can make the world a better place. By the way, there is a reason they're all listed as #1...and it's not that chain letter thing about them being equally important, it's just that I'm listing these off in no particular order because I'm shooting from the hip, like all great men throughout American history (Founding Fathers, cowboys, porn stars, look it up!)

1. Great Wingmen have Great Wingmen
Very important. Learning to be a great Wingman is so much easier when you are surrounded by great Wingmen. Being a Wingman Apprentice (Winger) is the first step in becoming a great Wingman yourself. How do you spot a great Wingman? Usually he's surrounded by his peers & has a great attitude about life in general. You just have to get out there & meet people...and if you're lucky, you may stumble upon one who can help you in your ways. When taken under the wing of a Wingman, listen & learn...but don't be afraid to ask questions if you're not clear. One day, it will all make sense. Always remember the Code of the Wingman, for if you disrespect the Code, then the Code will disrespect you.

1. A great Wingman makes sure that EVERYBODY gets laid
Now for explanation. A great Wingman is not only out there for his own benefit, but for the benefit of others as well. His calling in life is to spread the Love and Happiness...as well as the Love you spread with your Penis...safely, of course. Good Wingmen always advocate protected sex...for one reason or the other (disease or population control). For example, let us say that one has a steady girlfriend & is 'regularly serviced' yet his buddy has fallen on hard times...or just lack appropriate game...and therefore cannot provide for himself at a given time. He will go the extra mile to 'hook his friend up' with a recently-single friend of his girlfriend, acquaintance from work, single mom in his neighborhood, hot cousin, hot friend of a retarded cousin, random hottie from the supermarket, local florist, waitress at IHOP, anyone to make this so...because as the great Nate Dogg once sang, "It ain't no fuuuuuun, if the homeys can't haaaaaave none." They will also arrange for situations for the people to be alone to get to know eachother...and share privy information when the time calls. God bless the Wingman!!!

1. Sacrifice for the Greater Good - The Grenade Jumper
There comes a time during the career of a Wingman, when they need to take one for the team...for the benefit of all. In the bar scenario, oftentimes both men & women travel in packs...and these packs can containing varying levels of attractive people (being a 6 with a 9" myself, I am aware of this). Sometimes for the cohesion of the two groups to start, there is a certain catalyst required...the Grenade Jumper. He must thrust himself upon the 3 with the great personality (and if lucky, a freaky streak) so that with proper alcoholic lubrication, defenses can be lowered & great nights can be made.....as well as massive amounts of intoxicated whoopee. This is a noble profession...up there with police officers, firefighters, and public school teachers. I salute you, Grenade Jumpers of the world. Luckily, I have yet to be drafted, but when my time comes...it will be a great honor to get on 'er...for the Team.

1. Talking to others for your Wingman
Many times throughout your career as a Wingman, there will be times when you are in the presence of a significant other (girlfriend, wife, mistress, boss, etc.) or insignificant other (random nosey bitch neighbor, associate, colleague or acquaintance that doesn't know how to ackrite) When things need to be said, but really shouldn't be (whether for legal reasons or to get a point across without jeopardizing a relationship), say it for them. There are really two very different scenarios where this applies. First...and usually the easiest & most common are with the significant others in a relationship nature. Let us say, that something was said as a joke to arouse laughter, yet was taken completely out of context.

Wingman #1 - "Dude, she seems like a great girl. You're very lucky to be going out with her." Now, Wingman #2 can take this as A) He thinks she's too good for your homely ass; or B) You've got a great girl there & you're truly lucky to be dating her. Being a man, he chooses B, which was the intent.

Significant Other of Wingman #1 - "So you think that I'm not as beautiful as her?" Both Wingmen are momentarily stunned at this deduction...but now both must ATTEMPT to reassure her that she is, in fact, very beautiful...even if she doesn't know it. By the way, I blame the media for the low self-esteem of women in this modern age...but I digress.

Wingman #1 - "Baby, I love you. You are a beautiful woman. It amazes me that you even associate with me. It's like Janet Jackson & Jermaine Dupri. You're a 10 & I'm a 3." Rhymes help to at least get a pity laugh at this point.

SOW #1 (not sow like a pig, SOW like abbreviation of Significant Other of Wingman, point lost in abbreviation, but conflict avoided from potential female commenters) - "Whatever, you're just saying that because I have sex with you."

Wingman #2 - "WERE YOU NOT WED, I WOULD TAKE YOU IN A MANLY FASHION!" SOW is stunned at your dramatic & highly hypothetical remark...while Wingman #1 knows that you are doing your best to help...even if possibly going too far...but desparate times call for desparate measures...and it is understood. The conversation continues from here...but not now.

Situation #2 - Insignifcant Others
Basically, someone is threatening the livelihood of your fellow Wingman and needs to be put back into one's pocket. Because your Wingman doesn't want to go to jail (or go back) or face court dates, termination from employment, eviction, etc. you may have to speak their mind for them...pending you are of the same opinion...which is usually the case...or can be affirmed with a previously decided signal of some sort (nudging of the nose, movement of the eyes, or popping of one's collar). Setting - You are at a friend's house enjoying a fine motion picture & a few Coronas after a long day's work...when there is a loud rapping at your chamber door. It is the neighbor & they are threatening to call the landlord/cops because it is too loud (despite proper accommodations having already been made) or they just can't stand you two having a good time.

Wingman #1 - "I apologize but my TV's not too loud. I can barely hear it from here & I'm about ten feet away right now."

IO - "Well, I don't know what it is but I can't sleep." At this time, Wingman #1 is contemplating offering a sleeping aid but doesn't want to be known as "The Pharmacist" or anything...and just wants to see how "Baaadasssss!" ends. They also don't want to say anything that may get them evicted or cause confrontation...but Wingman #2 is there.

Wingman #2 - "Excuse me, is that YOUR mutt yapping at my feet?"

IO - "Sparky is no mutt. He's a purebred Shih Tsu who won several..."

Wingman #2 - "Well, if Sparky doesn't stop yapping at me, you can scrape your Shih Tsu...off of my shoe. Size 14, check it. I would appreciate it if you would silence your animal so that my friend & I may enjoy our feature presentation. I'm sorry for your sleep troubles. I'd be happy to offer you a warm glass of milk, if you're out. The television is at a respectable volume..."

IO - "NO!!! I'm lactose intolerant & a light sleeper."

Wingman #2 - "Then I suggest that you invest in some earplugs...knowing that you are a light sleeper. You see, this is not MY problem...but I've found a proper solution. In the meantime, you may borrow these Corn Nuts to use as earplugs. Have a great evening, sir!" Door slams with or without Sparky out of the way. If further conflict ensues at a later date, you can always blame it on the Wingman...knowing full well that they may never see them again...because they are trained in the ninja arts or something.

Anyway, that is enough for tonight...and I've used the word Wingman a few dozen too many times...but I hope that this information assists you in your day-to-day lives...and the World, especially in this day & age, NEEDS more Wingmen out there. Protecting Liberty, Love, Happiness, Poon Tang, & their respective pursuits from the illogical forces of Evil, Dickdom, & Bitchery. For more information, please visit www.wingman.org for a free brochure & fully illustrated scenarios starring the cartoon spokeshero of Wingmen around the world, Cap'n PIMP. Feel free to download his world-famous theme music & new album as well.