Whatever happened to Kojak?

Earlier today, I'm on my way to work driving my Buick Park Avenue (almost 200,000 miles now) when I receive a text from my brother. I'm currently 'parked' in the left turn lane at 53rd & State around 4 PM, so I'm going absolutely nowhere for a good minute or two...and because I know that he's at work & can't talk on the phone, I text him back. Halfway into my message, I hear the all too familiar blip of a police siren switch being toggled by an officer of the law. He then signals me to pull over (across three lanes of moving traffic while I'm parked in the center lane). My first thought is that this is one of those rare occasions where the officer meant somebody else...or for me to just move out of the way so that he can uphold justice somewhere. Not so, he wanted me to pull over...urgently. So I do so. The officer walks up to the side of my car and like a superhero gives his battle cry of "License & registration." "Yes, I do have them." "May I see your license & registration, sir?" "Absolutely. One moment. Might I ask why we're having this conversation?" "Are you aware that it is now against the law to drive & text message on your cellular phone?"



I'm a little stunned. Mostly because I was parked...and not driving. Of all the times that I've been pulled over, of all the things that I've done in my vehicles that would bend the rules of the road, parking lot, & landscaping, I was being pulled over for texting. "Really? You pulled me over for text messaging while I was parked in the turn lane? Are you serious? I'm not being punk'd or anything?" "Sir, this is just a warning but I thought you'd like to know so that you don't get a ticket in the future." "Wow, I thank you for the warning...but seriously...I wasn't even driving. I was parked." "Just be careful out there on the roads, sir. Text messaging can kill on the highways." "Agreed. You be careful out there as well. Please don't get shot." That's kind of my good bye to a police officer...because it's a well-wishing...and a psychological attack...because the way I see it, later on that day, they'll be sitting & waiting for some kid in a red Camaro to pull over for...well anything...and it'll hit them. "Don't get shot? Why would he say something like that? I mean...it is an occupational hazard, I guess...but that's just...oh man, why didn't I finish that Communications degree? I'm ten times better than that Max Roth guy on Fox 13 (don't worry, everybody is). Why did I get into this career anyway? Just to get shot at by meth dealers & yelled at by spoiled bitches? Man, I need to reevaluate my situation." BAM!!! $teve sleeps well tonight knowing that a cop is crying himself to sleep.



You may be asking yourself, "Where does this hatred for police officers come from, $teve?" Well, it's not for a lack of trying to appreciate & respect them, I can assure you of that. My father was a police officer for somewhere in the realm of 17 years when I was a child. I've been to many a police picnic & ate of their grilled Justice burgers & tasted of their sweet Service soda. Then my father went through a tramatic experience...and when he went to them for help, they offered him a pinkslip. Even after that, I still knew some of the cops & respected what they do...protect & serve and all that stuff. Then I became of driving age & my first car...was a firecracker red 1985 Chevrolet Camaro...with a 2.8L V6 engine, nothing fancy. Needless to say, even though I drove it like a grandma, I was still getting pulled over every few weeks for speeding...cock blockin' sons of bitches. Speeding was probably the least of my worries during that time (I've been pulled over on several occasions where my only defense would have been that my friends were with a Botany class or something) so I kept my frustrations from the officers & respecting their decision. Who knows, maybe my speedometer was a little off...and everybody's got a quota to make at their job, right? Once my Carmen was destroyed by an uninsured, illegal immigrant motorist (and the incompetence of State Farm Insurance), I went a long, long time without tickets...must have been the red, like bulls or something.



Over the last several months, I've done a road trip down to Vegas four times. I've driven twice...and both times, I was pulled over in Cedar City for allegedly going 95 MPH in a Ford Windstar. The steering wheel shakes at 85, so there is no way in HELL that I was going 95, but because it would cost me so much more to contest the ticket by driving back down to Iron County, I simply give Officer Dickface (Deek-fa-chi, I think it's Italian) my two cents right there...and wish him good luck in not getting shot three days before retirement. Now this latest incident about text messaging...I'm sure that we all share similar stories...and most girls have gotten away with it for having voluptuous racks...but that method just doesn't fly for most of us guys...believe me, I've tried. "Sir, for the last time, please put your shirt back on."



As you see, I've tried to be respectful of the popo & sing the praises of 5-0, but it's just so hard to when all they do is fuck with me & my good time. Luckily, they haven't messed with me with anything other than traffic violations & noise complaints (she was a screamer & I was doing it & doing it & doing it well). It's truly a noble profession...but whatever happened to Kojak? Telly Savales didn't fuck around with speeders. He was right there chasing druglords & rapists down in muscle cars & spitting game to dames. I do realize that Kojak is television...and the real world is the real world.

Why are cops this way? Number one - The serious possibility of death being an occupational hazard is my primary motivation for not following in my father's footsteps at all. Could it also be the slew of lawsuits that they incur when they actually do some REAL police work...but because a suspect wouldn't put down the wrench & lie on the ground in a timely fashion or couldn't speak English, they caught an ass-whooping? Police can do a great job of deterrence...when they're not parked at a church looking for speeders & jaywalkers. If you're going to park somewhere for that, park at a bar. There, I said it. Who kills more people in a year, drunk drivers or jaywalkers? Maybe the Media is AGAIN the one to blame (Notice: I blame them for a lot of things...but I dare you to prove me wrong). Watch your local news to see what's reported. Look closely at reports such as this one: "The number of violent crimes in the state have gone up 2% since last year & 10% overall in the last decade." Well, the population has increased by a documented 50% (probably more with immigration), so what does that mean? My chances for being the victim of a violent crime have actually decreased over the last decade. Thank you police. Or just see how things like Iraq is spun. Are you going to tell me that Saddam wasn't an evil dictator? Yes, I'm aware that there are more in the world...and we'll get to them...once we find a way to set up a non-dictatorship there...but it's not exactly like changing the oil on an old Cadillac.

Sure, in my small world, police are seen as an irritant like the IRS or that retarded fellow that bags groceries at Albertson's & always remembers me (because I'm tall) but asks me questions like "Do you like Sssspsspiderman?" "You know I do, Sammy." "I like Sssssppppiderman too. Hahaha. He's my fav'wit!" (It's about this time that I realize that he just set a bottle of cranberry juice on my bread again. Note to self: I've got to quit humoring him so that he can focus on my baked goods.) However, I do realize that when shit goes down, I want the boys in brown (or blue or black or white or whatever they wear in your jurisdiction) to be there ready to throw down...especially if I'm not strapped. So I say, "Go safely officers of the law. We're proud that you're out there risking your lives everyday for us...just please don't fuck with me in my car unless I'm doing something wrong...like your mother...or a minor." (By minor, I mean somebody WELL under the age of 18...like fourteen or something. Let me put it this way, if she'll be 18 by the time that the case goes to trial, it should be thrown out...but that's another rant for another day)

Anyway, feel free to let me know what you guys think about the police. Big ups again to my dad!!! Thank you for putting up with the cop thing for as long as you did to provide for our family. RIP, all the K-9 German Shepherds that I grew up with & wrestled...X, Zurek, etc.


P.S. Congratulations to Bryce & Mary Bess Demann!!! They had a beautiful baby girl yesterday. Elsie Bess Demann was born 8 pounds, 2 ounces, & 20 inches...and oddly enough was born with a pink bow on her head. Very cute...but I'm sure also very painful.