Sport or Game?

I was watching ESPN the other day (at my brother's house because I'm too cheap to buy my own cable to watch 3-4 hours a week) and I realized that the network of the Worldwide Leader in Sports was playing highlights from the World Scrabble Championship. I've also seen just about every network on television having some form of Poker or Blackjack show weekly, some as much as 4 hours per day. Who can forget the Spelling Bee kid passing out on national TV? Besides our female readers? Golf is not a sport. Period. Don't even try to convince me otherwise...because it's not going to work. Bowling, darts, billiards, even trick shots, these all fall under how I personally define a game rather than a sport. Horse racing? Seriously...what are the requirements of being a jockey other than having a Passport from Oompa Land?

My good buddy Noah Webster & I separate on this subject. His lawyer says that a game is "an activity engaged in for diversion or amusement" and sport as "a source of diversion" or the defintion that I prefer "physical activity engaged in for pleasure." Now, you know exactly where my mind was when I read the latter definition of sport...because it hasn't left the gutter since I was knee high to a butterfly, but the key word being "physical." The way I prefer to define it overall, is really more asking a question...can I play this while chugging beer and/or shots...and not break a sweat? The answer to all the previously mentioned GAMES is yes...I can...and so can most. That is why they should not be on television other than the Game Show Network or something...but definitely not on ESPN...where I already have to sit through hours & hours of baseball & hockey 'highlights' to get to my NBA, NFL, & women's tennis highlights.

"But Steve, what will we fill into those timeslots left vacant by your dismissal of these games? What will be entertaining for our viewers so that we can get our advertising revenue?" I'm glad that you asked, voice inside my head. For there are a number of sports out there that go relatively unnoticed by the big networks but should be given a good solid chance.

1. Women's Basketball - Women & Basketball is like Chocolate & Peanut Butter, Sex & Sleep, Jay-Z & R. Kelly, it's just the best of both worlds. There's a reason why it's played during the summer months...because it's HOT HOT HOT. Sue Bird, Diana Taurasi, Svetlana Abrosimova, even some of the other ladies that didn't come from UConn, all are athletic, passionate, & know how to handle the rock...yet can be delicate flowers just waiting for some 6'8" busy bee to come along & pollenate them...but yeah...I think they should be on TV more...especially since the Starzz moved to San Antonio. By the way, the number one gripe people have about the league is "The girls can't dunk." Well, I think that's an WNBA conspiracy because there is NO WAY that 7'2" Margo Dydek hasn't dunked yet while Lisa Leslie grabbed the rim on a layup a few years back. Were I the Silver Stars coach (and very well may be one day), that would be my primary strategy. Come on now, the 2nd tallest player in the league is like 6'4". She's playing against 3rd graders out there.

2. Sumo Wrestling - Have you actually watched one of these tournaments? You may be saying to yourself that it's just a bunch of fat Asian guys in diapers trying to give the other an atomic wedgie...but it's more than that. That's like saying football is a Battle Royale of ass-slapping. Trust me, underneath that thick layer of rice padding is a veritable BULL of man ready to show his prowess by tossing another 500-pound decendant of a samurai out of a small circle.

3. Extreme Golf - This is where golf can be saved. Once the ball is placed on the tee...and the spotter runs off...there is a 10-Mississippi rule in effect where the golfer can walk up from 5 yards away, set up, & swing...before a duo of linebackers is allowed to rush him. Now, because pads would be cumbersome in one's swing, the ground will be padded. This is only on the tee-off. Then the course will have it's usual stuff like the high grass (containing various traps & shoe-hungry wildlife), sand traps (quicksand, of course), & water hazards (including sprinklers on the putting green, so time it right). Then it's more like a game of chess than a good walk ruined.

4. The REAL Survivor - Was I the only disappointed when the people voted off the island weren't sacrificed or eaten by the remaining habitants? Possibly. However, I like the idea of the next Survivor being set.....at the THUNDERDOME!!! Two man enter, one man leave. I say get 32 of the mightiest warriors from the States. Single Elimination tournament (obviously) until a winner is crowned...then he/she (shes can enter if they want too) go on to the world championship...which will determine who gets the next Olympics. That can be the grand prize. What? What else are they going to win? Millions of dollars used in hospital bills? Perhaps the West Bank? There we go, that'll settle that little dispute over there, right? I don't know about the Grand Prize, we'll let the producers figure that out...but the idea still sounds sweet to me. Let me know if you feel differently.

Anyway, I'm watching my little niece & I haven't heard her cry for about a half-hour as I'm writing this...so hopefully she's asleep. She's a cutie. If you're real nice, I may show you some of my pictures of her. That'll be another time though. Toodlooo...