Want Me To Watch Your Movie?

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

As many of you are aware, I like movies…and watch a lot of them. In fact, the Mad Scientist & I were having a standard discussion of nonsense…and the topic came up of movies in theatres now…and "10,000 BC" came up. "It looks like Apocolypto…with Dinosaurs." "You could get me to watch any movie…with Dinosaurs. I don't care if it's a story of a young woman's journey of self-discovery starring Hilary Duff…with Dinosaurs, I would probably watch it." So here's a quick list that I've comprised of TEN Key Words that should be in a plotline if you'd like me to watch your movie. Honestly, these are pretty much the only ten that would guarantee viewership…but in no particular order:

Dinosaurs - Prehistoric creatures usually means large, loud, violent predators…and somebody fairly important to the plot is going to get eaten. I really liked Dinosaurs as a kid…and still do follow discoveries when they come up on Yahoo News or something…so that could play into it. Besides, who doesn't like dinosaurs? They're like dragons…but without all that mystical wizardry and other often lame excuses for them. There's also lots of different kinds…so it's always interesting to see which ones are used. One of my favorites growing up though was "Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend" starring Sean Young and a cute little green puppet dinosaur. There were warlords involved. Check it out if you get the chance.

Robots - Robots are always cool to me too, especially the sexy kind. Whether it's the whole Philip K. Dick aspect of technology & humanity and the relationships between…or armies of robotic warriors and machines set to fire and/or explode…or just an excuse to use CGI technology, chances are that if your movie has robots, I'll check it out. I throw Muppets & other Marionettes into this category too. If you have puppetry, ventriloquism, or funny fuzzy characters voiced by Frank Oz, I'll check it out. Another one of my favorites growing up was "Short Circuit" starring Steve Guttenburg and Ally Sheedy. Good flick.

Time Travel - I've already done a list about my love for Time Travel movies. By the way, check out T = Time for some insight on the concept of time travel. You might like it. You all know that I've seen "Back to the Future" too many times…but still feel free to check it out…and say hi to your mom for me.

Lesbians - Even a casual mentioning of the possibility of girl-on-girl action will make me watch your movie. I say make me watch your movie…because I really think that it's some kind of basic primal instinct that forces me to do it. It's quite simple actually. "What do you like $teve?" "Woman." "Okay, what kind of woman?" "Naked woman." "Okay, what's better than a naked woman?" "Ugh…two naked woman." "Better than that?" "Add meat to sandwich?" See? Very simple…like my schizophrenia. Shockingly enough, I didn't watch a lot of lesbian movies growing up as a kid (though "Revenge of the Nerds" had some nice hair pie) but I would recommend that you check out "Bound" starring Gina Gershon, Jennifer Tilly, & Joey Pants if you get the chance.

Werewolves - More so than vampires, zombies, mummies, ghosts, voicemails, text messages, cameras, or any other creepy thing that supposed to instill fear in me, werewolves will get me to watch your movie. Why? Vampires may be hot…but get played out too often…and the plots are really stretched. Zombies are usually ridiculously stretched to the point of making them horror comedies. Ghosts trying to kill me through my cell phone or digital camera or VCR or website or whatever, come on now. Really? I pity anybody who really wanted to go see "Shutter" or "One Missed Call" or even "The Ring" or any of those other Japanese horror film remakes. Anyway, I'm getting off point. Werewolves are cool…because there's really the whole uncontrollable schizoid aspect to it…like a Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde angle…and it vicious, violent, and profound. The transformation is fairly immediate…and for brute strength, they're basically unstoppable…and they don't pause for stupid monologues like they're a Bond villain like vampires do. They just destroy…and then wake up the morning like "What happened?" Speaking of which, hi Bubbles!!! Can't wait for the party tonight!!! Also can't wait for "Jack & Diane" because it includes at least two of my key words - Lesbians & Werewolves.

Milla Jovovich - If my baby's mama is in your movie, I will watch it. Believe me, no matter how lame, silly, stupid, uninteresting, or just plain awful the plot is, I will watch it. For Christ's sake, I watched THREE Resident Evil zombie movies…and those were probably her best (besides "Fifth Element" obviously…because I still think that's the perfect movie…and she speaks gibberish the time). However, I still just can't seem to get enough of my Milla…and she really does have some talent as far as acting goes…but sometimes I question her choice in movie roles. Okay, I understand "Messenger" playing Joan of Arc. You did a good job there…and the story is from a historically interesting perspective. Some movies you were basically just eye candy and didn't have many lines…like "Chaplin", "Return to Blue Lagoon", "Kuffs" and others…but what the hell were thinking with ".45", that movie was awful…on so many levels. Though I do like that you say f**k a lot…and Lesbians are involved. Those are two key words. Anyway, I like Milla Jovovich a lot.

Strip - Whether you're talking about Las Vegas Boulevard or the verb were clothing is being removed from the body, I will watch your movie. I'm not afraid to admit that I'm basically a moth when it comes to the shiny lights of the Vegas Strip (or Fremont Street) and there's always great cinematography involved with that location…and usually girls with large bosoms are involved somehow. As for the stripping, I am a big fan of the dancing on stage in scantily prepared outfits…even without full nudity…but only if it directly pertains to the plot of the movie or character development. That's very important. I don't promote the peddling of smut. Who am I kidding? I love strip clubs. I almost rented a house just because it had a pole in the middle of the basement for the housewarming party. Besides, they help me remain somewhat optimistic through those dry spells…you know…like when it rains in Death Valley.

Martial Arts - It sure ain't no modern art…because I get Martial Arts. Granted, I'm not going to claim to see EVERY martial arts movie to come out of Asia (because I don't think that's possible with one being made every few minutes) but I've seen more than a few in my day. Ninjas & Samurai are also thrown into this group...because they are awesome. Oh...and yeah, that is Bruce Lee & Chuck Norris fighting. If it flaunts martial artistry though, I'll check it out. Only a movie flaunting the sensual arts would get higher billing…and there's not a whole lot of those at my local Blockbuster. Believe me, I've looked.

Panda - As you may be aware, I like Pandas. Only a few movies work Pandas into the plot…but no matter how cheesy, kid-friendly it may be, I'll check it out regardless. Really looking forward to "Kung Fu Panda" because again…two key words…mentioned in the title. The fact that it's going to be a CGI kids comedy only sweetens the pot.

Bacon - I like bacon…and though it usually is only casually mentioned during the movie, I like the mentioning of it. The fact that Kevin Bacon stars in the movie is only a mediocre draw…but a draw nonetheless…and it's really just about the last name. Possibly the greatest moment for bacon in cinema…is Burgess Meredith's monologue about his diet in "Grumpier Old Men" and I hope to be him when I'm older. A funny, bitter old man held together by piss, vinegar, and bacon grease.

The Ultimate Movie Plot - A sexy cyborg ninja is sent back through time to save the Earth from being overthrown by robots, who cloned dinosaurs & werewolves to aid them in world domination. When her warnings fall on deaf ears, she is forced to join a militant wing of the National Alliance of Independent Lesbian Exotic Dancers (NAILED) and using futuristic mind control technology, employ an army of tigers, monkeys, and pandas to help them in their struggle against the evil robot empire already growing at an exponential rate in China. Milla Jovovich and the 2008 Hawaiian Tropic Team star in "Operation: Makin' Bacon" Rated R (with an 2-disc Unrated collector's set dropping six months later). What do you think? Would you watch it?

Anyway, I'm off to go see my brother & his family for a few hours today...then back to work until Vegas next weekend. Oh...and I talked to Bubbles last night...and she loves Vegas (of course) and is already meeting good people and finding the intricacies that make this a city made for her...like having a liquor store in Albertson's. She even has me as her Number Two in her MySpace...because we're tight like that. JJ is also enjoying Denver...but is recovering from pneumonia, so please send some prayers and/or positive thoughts her way. Have a great day everybody!!!

LUNAR ECLIPSE TONIGHT!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night after work, I watched one of my favorite movies "Unforgiven" for the first time in a while. It's a great movie...especially if you like Westerns. Eastwood is a retired gunslinger who needs money, so he takes a job that he hears about from a near-sighted young gun to kill some cowboys that cut up a prostitute. He bring along his buddy (Morgan Freeman) and runs into a sheriff (Gene Hackman) who's wanting to keep his city of Big Whiskey clean and pure...even if it means busting a few heads. It's a great flick. Go check it out. It won Best Picture in 1991...and gave Clint Eastwood a do-anything pass as a director.

This morning, I awoke to my mom calling me and telling me that she's been sick with the flu the past few days, so she's probably not going to Seattle. Lame, I know. Who's going with us then? She's going to ask my brother...and give him a few hundred bucks because he doesn't work much. It will still be fun...just different because other than the Sci-Fi Museum, I have no idea what he wants to do there. Oh well, we'll find out when he gives me a call later today. Fun, right? Still waiting for somebody who still wants to go to San Diego in a week-and-a-half. Any takers? Ladies? Who happen to be single? No?

Fidel Steps Down - Cuban president, former MLB prospect, and socialist icon for the past half-century Fidel Castro has stepped down as President for Life of the island nation, leaving his little brother Raul to run things. The 81-year old dictator's health has been in question over the past few years but that'll happen when you've been dodging assassination attempts and ruling with an iron fist since the 1950's. President Bush, in his infinite wisdom, said that this may be the start of democracy in Cuba...but at best, they may be a little more lenient with trade policies or something. Anyway, end of one era, beginning of another. Just mentioning it because it's kind of big news.

Liechtenstein Makes the News - Liechtenstein recently launched a withering attack on the German government for paying an informer in the Alpine state for bank secrets to launch a tax probe targeting hundreds of wealthy Germans. Prince Alois said that Germany violated the sovereignty of the tiny principality (which I had lunch in eight years ago) and sending in spies to uncover the scandal (apparently Liechtenstein is the Cayman Islands of the Alps). The prince said, "We are a small country and we want good relations with our neighbors but we are also a sovereign state. Germany will not solve its problems with its taxpayers by attacking Liechtenstein." Berlin has admitted paying a whistle-blower between four and five million euros for information and using the country's foreign intelligence service to work on the case, the biggest of its kind in German history (roughly involving four BILLION Euros). If you're interested in more details, please read the link. I just like that I can finally read a little bit about Liechtenstein...because I tell people that it's one of the countries that I've been too...and they look at me like I made it up or something...like Derkaderkastan or something. I don't blame them. I am usually full of crap.

Somebody Help Stallone - British tabloids are saying that Sylvester Stallone is trying to pitch a sequel to the 1993 rock-climbing movie "Cliffhanger" entitled "The Dam" which was originally planned for the late 90's…but due to dwindling box office numbers was scrapped. However, with recent success of remakes for Rocky & Rambo, there may be a little something to it…but I sincerely doubt it. Well, I don't doubt that they may make a similar rock-climbing action movie…and maybe even use his script…but I doubt that he would star in it. By the way, if you haven't seen the original "Cliffhanger" you may want to check it out. John Lithgow is the bad guy. It's great. Other scripts that Stallone is working on include "Stop Or My Mom Will Cap Your Ass" (grittier sequel starring Betty White, directed by John Singleton), "Tango & Cash & Caviar", "Way Over the Top" (where he arm wrestles Goldberg to the DEATH), "Judge Dredd: Dredd Harder", and "Get Carter Dammit!!!" Those all may be silly ideas (because there's no "Demolition Man" sequel) but are they really that much sillier than what he's really planning?

What the Smurf? - The CGI-animated Smurfs movie is going along swimmingly and there's some footage on the internet about it. The link has some footage about it…and a new bit that I didn't know was that Spike Jonze is making a CGI "Where the Wild Things Are" movie. That's doubly fantastic for kids in the next year. All we need know is a "Land of Sniggl-de-Bloop" movie and we'll be well on our way. Smurf yeah!!!

Transformers II - Apparently, during the Writer's Strike, Michael Bay has already written the sequel to his blockbuster movie "Transformers" which grossed millions. Though it's probably unlikely to really be used even in the "template" format that he has…it's still reassuring that the writer's strike didn't completely shut down Hollywood…sort of. Oh…and in his version, there's no Dinobots. Why do I mention this? Because I’m a nerd…and it goes with this sequel theme for today.

Wolverine Update - Okay, so this "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" movie gets more interesting to me every day. So it was cool when Hugh Jackman was going to remain Wolverine, then Liev Schreiber signed on to be Sabretooth, Danny Huston ("30 Day of Night") as a young William Stryker, and Lynn Collins ("Number 23") signed as Silver Fox, the love interest. Now, the coolness level just went into the stratosphere as Ryan Reynolds ("Van Wilder") has signed on to play the ultimate mutant ninja badass Deadpool and some guy named Taylor Kitsch (TV "Friday Night Lights" & "The Covenant" a.k.a. Dude Craft) signed a 3-movie deal to play everybody's favorite kickass Cajun who carries a big stick, Gambit. Tentative release date is May 1st, 2009...so it's going to be a while...but still, it should be awesome.

Jumper 2 Involves Time Travel - Despite the movie's lameness, there are sequels to "Jumper" on the way…and according to director Doug Liman, they're going to involve time travel. "The kind of jumping that we're showing in the movie which is a kind of worm hole jump which is why those scars are left behind, if you can travel through space through a worm hole from a scientific Einstein point of view, you could also travel through time...I've left the door open to time travel because of the specific kind of teleportation that I chose to portray in this film." Whatever. I like the idea of Time Travel and all…but I'm sure the sequel's going to suck too. However, that does lead me to my first movie list in a while…

Time Travel Movies

Medal Winners

Gold - Back to the Future (1985-90) - You all know that I love Back to the Future...and have seen them LITERALLY thousands of times in my life. By the way, did you know that Billy Zane & Elijah Wood were in them? You can see both of them in Part II. Frodo's the little kid that says "You have to use your hands? That's a baby's toy!" and Billy Zane is one of Biff's buddies, the one in the cowboy hat in the alternate 1985 if that helps. Otherwise he wears shades usually. "We can do this the easy way or the hard way." Anyway, I've already talked about this movie enough...and I still want a DeLorian...with a Mr. Fusion in the back to save on gas.

Silver - 12 Monkeys (1995) - If you've never seen this movie, you should check it out...at least twice. Director Terry Gilliam ("Brazil") tells the story of a prisoner (Bruce Willis) from a not-to-distant future where a plague has forced the human race underground. Scientists (including the Riddler himself, Frank Gorshon) pick him to be sent back through time (in cinema's craziest time machine not involving a telephone booth) to investigate where the disease came from and possibly find a cure...or stop it completely. While back in time (mid-90's) he's committed into an institution and meets a crazy rich kid (Brad Pitt) who helps him break out...and then he bumps into a beautiful psychologist (Madeleine Stowe) and together they try to solve the mystery of the 12 Monkeys...and save humanity. It's really a great movie though my plot summary's really lame. Check it out...or stop on by & we can watch it together.

Bronze - Terminator (1984) - Though there are loop holes in the logic of the time traveling (such as how is Kyle John's father if John has to be born to send Kyle back in time?) it's still a classic in time travel action films. Arnold Schwarzenegger, Linda Hamilton, Michael Biehn, even small parts for the likes of Lance Henriksen & Bill Paxton (punk at the beginning of the movie), great flick...and has one of my personal favorite pick-up lines ever - "Cum with me if you want to live." Not a whole lot of success with that one...but still one of my favorites.

Suggestion - Planet of the Apes (1968) - Most of you have probably seen the Tim Burton 2001 remake with Marky Mark, Tim Roth, Michael Clark Duncan, and the superhot Estella Warren...but have any of you seen the originals with Charlton Heston? Those are actually really good. I saw them a few times as a little kid...and then again recently while hanging at my dad's and they're pretty good...considering they were made forty years ago. Speaking of classics with remakes, feel free to check out "The Time Machine" (1960) based on the classic H.G. Wells novel starring Rod Taylor...or the 2002 remake starring Guy Pearce ("Memento") and Jeremy Irons...and was actually directed by H.G. Wells great-great-grandson Simon Wells. Also, "Timecop" (1994) wasn't a completely horrible Jean-Claude Van Damme movie about a cop that goes through time. Who knew, right? The sequel has Jason Scott Lee going back after Hitler, I think, but I have yet to see it.

Flush It - Butterfly Effect (2004) - So much to choose from...but Ashton gets my pick because he punked me in a dream...so I'm a little biased in this decision. Basically, the concept of the movie is you can go back in time if you think hard enough...but doing so will destroy everything...or will it? They made a sequel. I shall probably never witness it. Running a close second is a ridiculous chick flick that I haven't seen...but don't really need to because people told me about it...and that is "The Lake House" (2006) with Keanu & Sandra Bullock. Concept: There's a magic mailbox that allows them to write letters to one another. Did I mention that Keanu was in it too? Yeah, it was close...but because I hadn't seen it, I figured I would let it slide...just a bit. Also horrible was the Martin Lawrence movie "The Black Knight" (2001) where he plays a man who slips at a Medieval Times restaurant and ends up in the Middle Ages. It's really kind of sad when the best part of a movie is when the lead character convinces a regal band to play Sly & the Family Stone. "Frequency" (2000) made me cry because of the whole dead father-son communication thing...but they did it through a CB radio.

Future Watch - Prince of Persia: Sands of Time (2009) - Based on the video game (that I've never played) but it's basically set in medieval Persia, the story of an adventurous prince who teams up with a rival princess to stop an angry ruler from unleashing a sandstorm that could destroy the world. Which is why after the prince was tricked by a dying Vizier to unleash the Sands of Time that turns out to destroy a kingdom and transforms its populace into ferocious demons. In his effort to save his own kingdom and redeem his fatal mistake, it's up to the prince and the princess to return the sands to the hourglass by using the Dagger of Time, which also gives him a limited control over the flow of time. Yeah, sounds like a winner, right? Well, it's going to be directed by Mike Newell ("Harry Potter & Goblet of Fire" & "Donnie Brasco") so it could be okay. I'm also waiting for a "Quantum Leap" (2020?) but I may be overly optimistic of recycling popular 80's shows...or am I? I think Ziggy could sell.

Anyway, that'll do it for this evening. I really don't have much else to say other than to check out the Lunar Eclipse tonight around 10 PM MST. Remember, Life is made of moments!!! Peace!!!

Time Travel

If you could go back in time, what would you do? A question that's asked a lot...and usually answered. Now I'm no rocket scientist...though I did study to be a Mechanical Engineer for a few years...but the concept of time travel has always fascinated me...and yet, I can't seem to grasp a logical way of doing it. I've read briefly about Einstein's theories & some other great minds & how with enough force or something about 'worm holes' and stuff like that, it's theoretically possible...or something, but rather than focus on what I would do in the past (drink with the Founding Fathers, bet on Buster Douglas, go to the Enchantment Under the Sea dance with my mother, etc.), I'd like to think about the many modes of transportation into the past that have been offered over the years. Here are some of my favorites.


1. DeLorian - Yes, I've probably watched the Back to the Future trilogy too many times (the original probably in the thousands, I kid you not) but to be honest, I can't think of a more stylish way of getting back in time than cruising in a stainless steel vessel powered by Mr. Fusion & the Flux Capacitor, which makes time travel possible...but never clearly explained how except that it requires 1.21 Jigawatts. Can you imagine the sound system in a car with a battery like that?

2. Telephone Booth - It's so simple, even Keanu Reeves can use it...and that other guy. In a matter of a few hours (remember to turn your watch back), you can sing Kansas lyrics with Socrates, go watersliding with Napoleon, pick up some hot princesses, & still get an A on your history report so that you can become the greatest rock band in the history of mankind. It's almost too easy. My main appeal for this method is it's simplicity...and it's like a roller coaster ride going through the circuits of time. No driver's license required.


3. Time Machine - Though there are many makes & models of Time Machine on the market, I like the giant gyroscope with a seat in it has a grand appeal of seeing time pass right before your very eyes...and much faster than the standard grass growing method...like when I drift off into a daydream or something...this is much more entertaining.

4. Sending a HeMail - Basically it involves a large machine that takes up an entire warehouse, putting the passenger in a small enough area to have them curl up in the fetal position, ZAP, and then end up in the past bucky-naked & usually spend the first night in a hospital or jail. Terminator, Deja Vu, 12 Monkeys, all basically the same...and it definitely saves on time...but the electrical bills & leasing of the warehouse probably roll a pretty penny for upkeep. Sure, it's feasible if the fate of the world is at stake (robotic war, disease prevention, etc.) but not for leisure travelers.


5. Tesseract - Yes, I read "Wrinkle In Time" by Madeleine L'Engle as a kid a few times. It's basically the same thing as any Star Trek sci-fi worm hole or anything though...but that requires going into space...and I can't afford that...yet. Also, I'm waiting for the day that a ship is built than can withstand the tremendous pressure of a Black Hole...because then the plot of "The Core" becomes much more feasible. I'm keeping my fingers crossed...and then making a car out of the stuff. Yeah, like the plane made out of the black box material. Wait, what was my point?


6. Butterfly Effect - If I think hard enough, I can go back into my own past...but if Ziggy tells me there's something wrong & I can't make it right, then I might be stuck in the 80's forever. Wait, I'm sorry. I started with one time travel method & then midway through replaced it with a cooler one. Sorry, I do that once in a while.

Honorable Mention: Frequency - "Hello? Dad? Is that you?"
"No, my name's Walt. Nobody calls me daddy except my girlfriend."
"Is her name Susan?"
"(Cough) Yeah, who is this?"
"This is your son...thirty years from now."
"Hehehehee...oh man. (Cough) I really got to stop messing with this radio when I'm stoned. Oooh, look at the cool lights in the sky!!!"

Anyway, I'm hopeful for a time when we can travel through time...but I don't think that it's going to happen. Why? If in the future we can go into the past, wouldn't we have already done it & be in our alternate future? Send me your thoughts...or your personal favorite method of time transportation.