Alcohol is Evil

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

A bit of a late start to this entry tonight...because this morning was...well, more on that later...and work has been busy busy today. So yesterday, I mentioned that I had acquired "Knocked Up" and was anticipating its viewing at my home theatre (I'm thinking of naming it the Cooliseum, what do you think?). Friend, coworker, and avid blog reader Bubbles said that she would be interested in seeing this movie with me...and that was cool. More the merrier. For those who may not be aware, I am not much of a drinker...but in social situations, I will partake...but for these social occasions, I have an extensive collection of alcoholic beverages at my house. I kid you not when I say that it is REALLY more than half of the food and/or beverages in my fridge at any given time (bachelor). Just a little bit of everything.

Bubbles likes to drink. It was my house, so I wanted a drink or two. We made some mixed drinks (Sprite & Vodka, Dr. Pepper & Appleton Rum) then a few shots of Crown Royal later on with a Corona to wash it down over the course of about four hours. Yes, I know the movie was only two hours...but we took breaks for the drinking and got into the usual drunken conversation. During which, she says that she wants to be my new Wingman. I have no objections to that at all. However, being a woman, she wouldn't be a Wing-Man...more of a Wing Chick...or here we go, Chick 'n' Wing. "Mmm mmm, that's finger f**king good!" (BTW, Season 2 of Drawn Together is awesome)


Side Note: A guy at my work calls me "Colonel" probably because I have the appearance of a young, tall, sexy Colonel Sanders...with the facial hair, squinty eyes, and a love for finger lickin' foods. I can understand it. This guy's name is also Steve, so I understand it may be awkward to call somebody by their Christian name bearing a striking resemblance to yours, I guess. I don't take any offense though...because I like the Colonel...and his wonderful chicken with eleven herbs & spices...the biscuits aren't the best though. His wife also used to work here and she said, in front of him, that I was her favorite Steve, so he really can't hurt me with his stupid nicknames.


Back to last night. So after the movie and a bit of drinking, it was after 1 AM and we had work the next day, so I offered to drive her home (because she was tipsy). Don't drink & drive. The only reason I didn't just call her a cab...was because I was still able to do complex mathematical equations in my head...and that's my meter. I got her home to her mom & brother...and all was well...until this morning. I woke up feeling pretty green. I'm talking green like Bruce Banner doing taxes. My morning consisted of the Body of Christ diet (bread & water) and time torn between watching Season two of "Drawn Together" and kneeling before Pukestra, the pagan vomit god in my humble bathroom alter.

Luckily, I was able to compose myself just before coming to work...and hearing that Bubbles wasn't doing well at all. She stopped in for a few minutes but left shortly after. Hopefully she's home getting some R&R but she won't return my text messages, so I'm not sure. I feel a little responsible...but it was honestly her idea to drink. I don't have to drink, especially on a Tequila Tuesday...because it ALWAYS leads to a Wobbly Wednesday. A lesson learned many many times over...but she was convincing (damn you & your curvy silhouette). Anyway, yeah. Lesson learned again. Maybe I should give up drinking all together. I've considered it...because it's kind of like me giving up sex now. It doesn't really happen often enough to notice until the situation presents itself. However, if I have me a new Chick 'n' Wing then maybe that'll change too. I just hope that she's doing okay. I'm sure that she is though. She's kind of a veteran of these things. She's a cool chick...and I'm glad that I was there to keep her from doing something stupid (besides the drinking too much). Oh yeah, "Knocked Up" is smurfin' hilarious too. Check out the Deleted Scenes too. There's a couple good ones about a friend asking to date an unborn daughter and Jonah Hill talking about "Brokeback Mountain."

Vick Update - Okay, Michael Vick can't seem to keep shooting himself in the foot. Allegedly, he failed a drug test...and unlike standardized tests, he can't blame racial bias. He tested positive (which is a negative) for marijuana, so now the judge in the dogfighting case has put him on curfew. Good. However, I can understand Vick's position though. If I were going to jail, all my multi-million dollar sponsorship deals have gone the way of the Dodo, and my future was in serious jeopardy, then I'd probably take a few bong hits too. I just hope it wasn't those same friends that turned trick on him that offered him the pot. Anyway Mike, I hope that you've really learned your lesson through all this stuff...and turn your life around. You'll have plenty of time to contemplate it as you're staying in a Virginia state prison. Sorry dude. It's the law.

That's a Big Baby!!! - A Siberian woman gave birth to her 12th child Nadia and she weighed in at 7.75 kilograms (or 17 pounds to us American folk). The average weight is about seven pounds. I was a big baby...and was about eight-and-a-half. This woman passed a one-year old. Oh, and just so you ladies know, it was a C-section. Her father has already suggested that Nadia get a job. Anyway, with talk about "Knocked Up", this gigantic baby, and my buddy the Mad Scientist asking for a good movie to ease his girlfriend into letting him see "Knocked Up", I've comprised today's list...of baby movies that are good if you're into babies...or if you consider children a side effect of a good time...

Good Baby Movies

Medal Winners

Gold - Knocked Up (2007) - This movie was simply hilarious. Great for guys & gals alike. Director Judd Apatow, Seth Rogan, Paul Rudd, and all the other cats that brought you "40-Year old Virgin" (Silver medal in Comedy) bring you their take on unplanned pregnancy from both angles, the mother and the baby daddy. It's heartwarming and all that stuff too (granted I was drinking, so that may have had something to do with it) so it's a good movie...even if you don't care for children. It's good for laughs at other people who do. So there.


Silver - Nine Months (1995) - I'm not a big Hugh Grant fan. Honestly, this movie and "Love Actually" are about the only ones that I can watch on an empty stomach...but it's pretty funny. Tom Arnold is there for a comedic sidekick too. Julianne Moore's a hot redhead and does a striptease to "Let's Get It On" and that should always get you a medal in my book. Hugh Grant is a bachelor and impregnates his girlfriend (Moore) so now he has to change his lifestyle completely to make way for the child...and deal with everything new like minivans, hormonal shifts, baby vomit, and all the other blisses of childrearing. Tom Arnold is his guide. How could this movie NOT be funny?


Bronze - Father of the Bride Part 2 (1995) - Apparently '95 was a good year for baby movies. Steve Martin is a comedic genius. However, I've noticed that his movies have become more & more family oriented as he's gotten older. He started with "The Jerk" (1979) Rated-R classic, then to "Roxanne" to "Three Amigos" to "Father of the Bride" and now all that "Cheaper by the Dozen" stuff. Quite the slippery slope...but understandable. By the way, some cynics may say that after kid #8 on "Cheaper by the Dozen" that somebody should have had their tubes tied...but I disagree. My mom is one of seventeen kids...and in all honesty, if my kids looked Piper Perabo and Hilary Duff, you should be thanking me for making more. Anyway, this movie is funny in the family style and both his daughter and wife are pregnant, so it's doubly funny...and Martin Short is in it. Rent it. Watch it with kids or girlfriend or whatever. Support your buddy Steve Martin. He has a name that you can trust.


Suggestion - She's Having a Baby (1988) - John Hughes classic starring Kevin Bacon and Elizabeth McGovern as the lucky couple...and the greatest actor of our generation, Alec Baldwin, is in it too. I've only seen the Comedy Central version of this movie (so there's probably more swearing and/or nudity in the real version) but it was pretty good. I especially love Kevin Bacon's initial reaction to the news of his wife's pregnancy. "AAAAAAAAAAGH!!!" It's up there with Seth Rogan's "F**k you. What?" in Knocked Up. Anyway, if you're flipping through the channels and see playing it on Comedy Central, it's worth a watch. "Three Men & A Baby" (1987) and it's sequel should be on this list somewhere too...but there's just not enough room.


Flush It - The Omen (1976 or 2006) - I would have flushed that kid. Sure, you may sentimentally attached by that age and everything...but the first time that you try to kill me or stare at me creepily as I dangle over the edge or anything of that nature, you'd better pray that I fall hellion because my next mission after self-preservation is to break my foot off in your asshole. If it breaks in the fall, it just makes it that much easier. I guess this really isn't a baby movie...but I couldn't really think of any really bad one that wasn't a chick flick. Oh well, let it be known. Satan, if you send your kid after me, he'd better be good and have some Superman powers or something.

Amendment to Flush It - Look Who's Talking Trilogy (1989-1993) - Blog reader BSUWG (check his site out, it's hilarious...and insightful) has just brought to my attention the new Flush It...and it actually pertain to this category. After Saturday Night Fever & Urban Cowboy...but before Pulp Fiction, in the barren wasteland known as the 1980's, John Travolta was talked into some stupid movies. At least Bruce Willis & Danny DeVito only had to lend their voices to these movies. "Oh look, the baby can talk. That's so cute." "Oh, now there's two babies...but one sounds like Roseanne." "Oh, now the pets are talking...and licking themselves." Seriously? Amy Heckerling is a great director ("Fast Times at Ridgemont High", "Johnny Dangerously", "National Lampoon's European Vacation", & "Night at the Roxbury") but she also has misses too ("Clueless" and the first two "Look Who's Talking" movies). Oh well. It's more than I've ever done...yet.

Future Watch - ??? - Honestly, it's not a genre that I know of any future openings. I guess I could say watching the unbastardized version of "She's Having A Baby" or something. Honestly, my immediate future watch is to finish off my workday with lunch now and without any impromptu dashes to the men's room. I am starting to get a little hungry. Maybe I'll get me a hamburger and some vegetables (onion rings = onions + vegetable oil, right?). Have a good night y'all...