Giving Life - Part 2

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night at work, just before my shift was over, a sweet naive girl (yes, Box girl from the past few blogs) told me that she had been on the phone for the last half-hour with this guy...and after a few minutes, he started to talk about his girlfriend...and her bowel movements...and continued in other such discussions of scat...for about twenty minutes. She told me this and my response was something to the tone of...

$teve: "Ah, so you got one of these late night pervert calls? Nice."

Box Girl: "Really? Do you think that he was a pervert? That's a little creepy."

$teve: (Wow!!! Did you really just ask me that?) "Ugh...yeah. A stranger calls up on a toll-free number and continues to discuss his crap consistency and that of his girlfriend? I would say that guy has a fecal fetish of some sort."

Box Girl: "Oh man. How can you tell?"

$teve: (You still don't get it? Hmm...) "Well, for example, the two of you were talking about stuff that you normally wouldn't bring up with your friends, right?"

Box Girl: "Oh, my friends & I talk about that stuff."

$teve: (Nice. A hot girl who isn't afraid to talk about peanut logs.) "Actually...that's a bad example because my friends & I talk about that stuff too...but okay, how about in front of your family?"

Box Girl: "Nyeh, not too often...but if we ever needed to, we could."

$teve: (Family sounds open-minded...and I can talk about poo with them) "Yeah, my family too. Jeepers. (That's right, I said jeepers like a Scooby Doo cartoon) Well, obviously the coworker example isn't going to work since...well, here we are. I guess you're just an incredibly open individual...but if the situation comes up again and you feel uncomfortable, just say something like 'Sir, I would rather not discuss my fecal matter with you at this time & would appreciate getting back to work.' That usually works...and if not, hang up."

Box Girl: (Laughing) "Thanks, I'll keep that in mind. Oh man, do you think he was getting his jollies or something? Gross."

$teve: "Well...just look at it as...you made a weird man very happy with your conversation...and don't look any further into it. That sounds safe."

Box Girl: (Laughing) "Aaah, gross. Oh well, that's a good spin on it, I guess."

$teve: "Besides, you made my evening too. I can't tell you how often I've been getting ready for work & thought 'Man, I hope I get to talk about pooh with a lovely female coworker. I hope today is that day' and it was."

Box Girl: "Well, my ride's waiting, so I'd better get going. Thanks $teve."

$teve: "It's my pleasure. Anytime." As she walks away, I check out her backside...and catch her glancing back at me smiling. This probably would have been a good opportunity to throw out the digits or something...but I'm a patient man...and a coward, so we'll see how it goes. I could take this situation several ways:

• This is how girls start casual conversations at work nowadays...by talking about poo, which is cool
• This is how a nervous girl in a new job start a conversation with a very attractive male coworker, which would be super cool
• She is really young & naive and I should drop this now before it's too late, which would suck...because she really cute & funny
• Somebody else is calling toll-free numbers late at night to talk dirty with young girls (or at least girls that sound young)
• We learned a lot about eachother...especially considering it could have just been a negative conversation about how creepy perverts are...but instead we found out a little about our family, friends, and something we both find funny, poop
• Most importantly, she's not scared to talk to me about anything...and vice versa, so this could be the start of something groovy ("Something tells me I'm into something good..." just came into my head. Does that ever happen to you?)
• I could just be overreacting. That happens a lot. I think too much about...well everything. Anyway, more to come as it develops. Back to you, Hope...

This morning, I awoke to the pleasant sound of an alarm clock (you know, that annoying yet effective AAAH AAAH AAAH AAAH kind) after a great six hour rest. After a little breakfast (granola bar), I went to the American Red Cross donation center to give life...and by that, I mean blood. I arrived a little early (as I do for just about everything) so they checked me in, asked me the donor questions, had me fill out the forms, and all of that mess.


By the way, I was reading through some of the questions...and some just kind of depressed me for a few moments. It's like a little reflection on the fun that you've had the past year. There's about a dozen questions of "In the past 12 months, have you had sex with anybody who has (horrible disease)?" and you're thankful that you haven't, thus avoiding disease...but then you think "Man, I need to get out more. I should at least be thinking about this for a few seconds, but there's only been one...and that was a great month but..." or there's the travel questions about being outside of the country...then you start thinking "I wish. That'd be sweet." and you zone out for a second thinking about a week in Brazil in that village where all the Victoria's Secret supermodels come from. "Sir, are you finished with the question?" "What? Oh...yeah, almost. Sorry. I was just...thinking about...math?" "Oh...okay." Whew.


After I finally focused & completed the questions, they came & told me, "Great. Now if you'll just walk over there, Cammi is waiting for you." "Which one is Cammi?" "She's the redhead over there." First thought, Angie Everhart in "Bordello of Blood." Second thought, these people are professionals. They need to get my blood pumping good, so what do they do? Have me lie down next to a cute redhead with green eyes in a nurse outfit. If they would have had "Get Low" playing in the background, there would have been a cover charge. Anyway, she was very gentle...and sucked me thoroughly...and I was a little light-headed afterwards. She even gave me a cookie & white grape peach juice afterwards. I honestly couldn't have asked for a better result...and not been slapped for it. Now, that my double entendre rant is done, allow me to mention that Cammi was twelve weeks pregnant and completely professional. After helping save three lives (in my optimism), I went home for an hour or so before heading back to work for the day.


While there, I got an email from my aunt & uncle saying that they're going to be hanging at the Barbary Coast, where I partied on Lucky Day 7/7/07 after my Wingman's wedding. I may go hang out with them...but I'm sure there was something in the information I read this morning about giving blood & drinking alcohol afterwards...and it was against it. We'll see. I'm glad that I'm one of those cats that don't have to drink to have a good time...and I haven't seen them in about three months, so we'll see. If anybody wants to party later, that's where it's at...and remember, I was the hottest guy there last time, so you're chances are pretty good at getting with a biker chick...if that's your thing. You know, I just realized that it's been a few days since I did one of my movie lists. How about this?


Vampire Movies


Medal Winners


Gold - Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992) - This star-studded movie is just awesome. Gary Oldman is a mythological monster of unending evil...but loves Winona Ryder...and who could blame him (then). Sir Anthony Hopkins is Van Helsing (not Wolverine). Keanu gives his usual adequate performance of a pivotal character. Luckily, he didn't try an English accent. Oh wait, he did? Oh, well then it sucked. Speaking of which, since when is being sucked dry by a trio of hot vampires a bad thing. Don't ruin it for the rest of us. Also, what ever happened to Lucy (Sadie Frost)? In all seriousness though, it's a great movie by Francis Ford Coppola...and some may call it the Godfather of Vampire movies...but that's just stupid. Also, check out "Dracula: Dead & Loving It" (1995) if you'd like to see a Mel Brooks parody of it.


Silver - From Dusk Till Dawn (1995) - Robert Rodriguez & Quentin Tarantino turn George Clooney into a badass...and launch his movie career with a horror flick. Awesome. The Gecko Brothers are on the run after breaking out of prison and have kidnapped a family & their RV to take them across the Mexican border. It works...and to celebrate they stop at a trucker establishment called "The Titty Twister" and wait for their contact in Mexico...but something's wrong. If you haven't seen this movie yet, I pity you a little bit...but as far as horror movies go, this is a fun one with dialogue by Quentin Tarantino and shooting (film, that is) by Robert Rodriguez with stars like Clooney, Harvey Kietel, Juliette Lewis, Cheech Marin, Danny Trejo, Salma Hayek, Fred Williamson, and other recognizable faces. "Where are we going?" "Mexico." "What's in Mexico?" "Mexicans." Love it.


Bronze - Blade: Trinity (2004) - I actually liked the Blade trilogy...but the third installment was my favorite because...well, somewhere between Ryan Reynolds' smart ass remarks & Jessica Biel's taut rear end, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Oh yeah, Wesley Snipes is a badass too...but he was third fiddle in my book. That Prison Break guy (Dominic Purcell) did a good job as Drake or whatever he was supposed to be too. Honestly, I was thinking about putting a Kate Beckinsale movie this spot ("Underworld" or "Van Helsing") but I couldn't decide...so I'll just keep her in my pocket for another time.


Suggestion - John Carpenter's Vampires (1998) - Okay, I know what you're thinking. James Woods? As a vampire hunter? Really? Yeah, it's a little better than you would think. It's from John Carpenter, the guy who brought you "Halloween", "The Fog", "Escape from New York/LA", "The Thing", "Starman", "They Live", and other classics. Would you expect anything less than a great horror flick? This is a pretty action packed one if I remember correctly (it's been a few years). I say give it a shot...because James Woods is from Rhode Island if anything else.


Flush It - Bloodrayne (2005) - Okay, aside from Kristanna Loken ("Terminator 3" sexbot) and watching her thirty second nude/sex scene, this movie was extremely lame...even for a video game remake. Director Uwe Boll must be a sweet talkin' SOB because he convinced Michael Madsen, Udo Kier, Billy Zane, Meatloaf, Michelle Rodriguez, and SIR BEN KINGSLEY into doing this movie. My guess? "Iz good movie...and you can watch Kristanna Loken sex scene, ja? Das ist gut. Sign here." Anyway, it's pretty bad...and that's a bold statement coming from me.


Future Watch - Castlevania (2009) - I actually just found out about this one...but apparently "Stomp the Yard" director Sylvain White (odd) is going to direct and Paul W.S. Anderson (Milla's baby daddy) is going to write. Other than that, and probably including that, it's all rumored. It very well may not happen but I found out on IMDB when I was checking to see if the video game was going to be adapted...and yay, it is...theoretically. Can't wait to see how the Belmonts take on the forces of evil. It's like Indiana Jones...with vampires. Anyway, we shall see.


That's more than enough for today. I'm going to continue drinking plenty of fluids and no heavy lifting (I wonder if the bathroom counts) for the next few days...and if you're interested in donating blood (which would make you super cool too), contact your local American Red Cross chapter. Have a groovy weekend!!!