Alcohol is Evil

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

A bit of a late start to this entry tonight...because this morning was...well, more on that later...and work has been busy busy today. So yesterday, I mentioned that I had acquired "Knocked Up" and was anticipating its viewing at my home theatre (I'm thinking of naming it the Cooliseum, what do you think?). Friend, coworker, and avid blog reader Bubbles said that she would be interested in seeing this movie with me...and that was cool. More the merrier. For those who may not be aware, I am not much of a drinker...but in social situations, I will partake...but for these social occasions, I have an extensive collection of alcoholic beverages at my house. I kid you not when I say that it is REALLY more than half of the food and/or beverages in my fridge at any given time (bachelor). Just a little bit of everything.

Bubbles likes to drink. It was my house, so I wanted a drink or two. We made some mixed drinks (Sprite & Vodka, Dr. Pepper & Appleton Rum) then a few shots of Crown Royal later on with a Corona to wash it down over the course of about four hours. Yes, I know the movie was only two hours...but we took breaks for the drinking and got into the usual drunken conversation. During which, she says that she wants to be my new Wingman. I have no objections to that at all. However, being a woman, she wouldn't be a Wing-Man...more of a Wing Chick...or here we go, Chick 'n' Wing. "Mmm mmm, that's finger f**king good!" (BTW, Season 2 of Drawn Together is awesome)


Side Note: A guy at my work calls me "Colonel" probably because I have the appearance of a young, tall, sexy Colonel Sanders...with the facial hair, squinty eyes, and a love for finger lickin' foods. I can understand it. This guy's name is also Steve, so I understand it may be awkward to call somebody by their Christian name bearing a striking resemblance to yours, I guess. I don't take any offense though...because I like the Colonel...and his wonderful chicken with eleven herbs & spices...the biscuits aren't the best though. His wife also used to work here and she said, in front of him, that I was her favorite Steve, so he really can't hurt me with his stupid nicknames.


Back to last night. So after the movie and a bit of drinking, it was after 1 AM and we had work the next day, so I offered to drive her home (because she was tipsy). Don't drink & drive. The only reason I didn't just call her a cab...was because I was still able to do complex mathematical equations in my head...and that's my meter. I got her home to her mom & brother...and all was well...until this morning. I woke up feeling pretty green. I'm talking green like Bruce Banner doing taxes. My morning consisted of the Body of Christ diet (bread & water) and time torn between watching Season two of "Drawn Together" and kneeling before Pukestra, the pagan vomit god in my humble bathroom alter.

Luckily, I was able to compose myself just before coming to work...and hearing that Bubbles wasn't doing well at all. She stopped in for a few minutes but left shortly after. Hopefully she's home getting some R&R but she won't return my text messages, so I'm not sure. I feel a little responsible...but it was honestly her idea to drink. I don't have to drink, especially on a Tequila Tuesday...because it ALWAYS leads to a Wobbly Wednesday. A lesson learned many many times over...but she was convincing (damn you & your curvy silhouette). Anyway, yeah. Lesson learned again. Maybe I should give up drinking all together. I've considered it...because it's kind of like me giving up sex now. It doesn't really happen often enough to notice until the situation presents itself. However, if I have me a new Chick 'n' Wing then maybe that'll change too. I just hope that she's doing okay. I'm sure that she is though. She's kind of a veteran of these things. She's a cool chick...and I'm glad that I was there to keep her from doing something stupid (besides the drinking too much). Oh yeah, "Knocked Up" is smurfin' hilarious too. Check out the Deleted Scenes too. There's a couple good ones about a friend asking to date an unborn daughter and Jonah Hill talking about "Brokeback Mountain."

Vick Update - Okay, Michael Vick can't seem to keep shooting himself in the foot. Allegedly, he failed a drug test...and unlike standardized tests, he can't blame racial bias. He tested positive (which is a negative) for marijuana, so now the judge in the dogfighting case has put him on curfew. Good. However, I can understand Vick's position though. If I were going to jail, all my multi-million dollar sponsorship deals have gone the way of the Dodo, and my future was in serious jeopardy, then I'd probably take a few bong hits too. I just hope it wasn't those same friends that turned trick on him that offered him the pot. Anyway Mike, I hope that you've really learned your lesson through all this stuff...and turn your life around. You'll have plenty of time to contemplate it as you're staying in a Virginia state prison. Sorry dude. It's the law.

That's a Big Baby!!! - A Siberian woman gave birth to her 12th child Nadia and she weighed in at 7.75 kilograms (or 17 pounds to us American folk). The average weight is about seven pounds. I was a big baby...and was about eight-and-a-half. This woman passed a one-year old. Oh, and just so you ladies know, it was a C-section. Her father has already suggested that Nadia get a job. Anyway, with talk about "Knocked Up", this gigantic baby, and my buddy the Mad Scientist asking for a good movie to ease his girlfriend into letting him see "Knocked Up", I've comprised today's list...of baby movies that are good if you're into babies...or if you consider children a side effect of a good time...

Good Baby Movies

Medal Winners

Gold - Knocked Up (2007) - This movie was simply hilarious. Great for guys & gals alike. Director Judd Apatow, Seth Rogan, Paul Rudd, and all the other cats that brought you "40-Year old Virgin" (Silver medal in Comedy) bring you their take on unplanned pregnancy from both angles, the mother and the baby daddy. It's heartwarming and all that stuff too (granted I was drinking, so that may have had something to do with it) so it's a good movie...even if you don't care for children. It's good for laughs at other people who do. So there.


Silver - Nine Months (1995) - I'm not a big Hugh Grant fan. Honestly, this movie and "Love Actually" are about the only ones that I can watch on an empty stomach...but it's pretty funny. Tom Arnold is there for a comedic sidekick too. Julianne Moore's a hot redhead and does a striptease to "Let's Get It On" and that should always get you a medal in my book. Hugh Grant is a bachelor and impregnates his girlfriend (Moore) so now he has to change his lifestyle completely to make way for the child...and deal with everything new like minivans, hormonal shifts, baby vomit, and all the other blisses of childrearing. Tom Arnold is his guide. How could this movie NOT be funny?


Bronze - Father of the Bride Part 2 (1995) - Apparently '95 was a good year for baby movies. Steve Martin is a comedic genius. However, I've noticed that his movies have become more & more family oriented as he's gotten older. He started with "The Jerk" (1979) Rated-R classic, then to "Roxanne" to "Three Amigos" to "Father of the Bride" and now all that "Cheaper by the Dozen" stuff. Quite the slippery slope...but understandable. By the way, some cynics may say that after kid #8 on "Cheaper by the Dozen" that somebody should have had their tubes tied...but I disagree. My mom is one of seventeen kids...and in all honesty, if my kids looked Piper Perabo and Hilary Duff, you should be thanking me for making more. Anyway, this movie is funny in the family style and both his daughter and wife are pregnant, so it's doubly funny...and Martin Short is in it. Rent it. Watch it with kids or girlfriend or whatever. Support your buddy Steve Martin. He has a name that you can trust.


Suggestion - She's Having a Baby (1988) - John Hughes classic starring Kevin Bacon and Elizabeth McGovern as the lucky couple...and the greatest actor of our generation, Alec Baldwin, is in it too. I've only seen the Comedy Central version of this movie (so there's probably more swearing and/or nudity in the real version) but it was pretty good. I especially love Kevin Bacon's initial reaction to the news of his wife's pregnancy. "AAAAAAAAAAGH!!!" It's up there with Seth Rogan's "F**k you. What?" in Knocked Up. Anyway, if you're flipping through the channels and see playing it on Comedy Central, it's worth a watch. "Three Men & A Baby" (1987) and it's sequel should be on this list somewhere too...but there's just not enough room.


Flush It - The Omen (1976 or 2006) - I would have flushed that kid. Sure, you may sentimentally attached by that age and everything...but the first time that you try to kill me or stare at me creepily as I dangle over the edge or anything of that nature, you'd better pray that I fall hellion because my next mission after self-preservation is to break my foot off in your asshole. If it breaks in the fall, it just makes it that much easier. I guess this really isn't a baby movie...but I couldn't really think of any really bad one that wasn't a chick flick. Oh well, let it be known. Satan, if you send your kid after me, he'd better be good and have some Superman powers or something.

Amendment to Flush It - Look Who's Talking Trilogy (1989-1993) - Blog reader BSUWG (check his site out, it's hilarious...and insightful) has just brought to my attention the new Flush It...and it actually pertain to this category. After Saturday Night Fever & Urban Cowboy...but before Pulp Fiction, in the barren wasteland known as the 1980's, John Travolta was talked into some stupid movies. At least Bruce Willis & Danny DeVito only had to lend their voices to these movies. "Oh look, the baby can talk. That's so cute." "Oh, now there's two babies...but one sounds like Roseanne." "Oh, now the pets are talking...and licking themselves." Seriously? Amy Heckerling is a great director ("Fast Times at Ridgemont High", "Johnny Dangerously", "National Lampoon's European Vacation", & "Night at the Roxbury") but she also has misses too ("Clueless" and the first two "Look Who's Talking" movies). Oh well. It's more than I've ever done...yet.

Future Watch - ??? - Honestly, it's not a genre that I know of any future openings. I guess I could say watching the unbastardized version of "She's Having A Baby" or something. Honestly, my immediate future watch is to finish off my workday with lunch now and without any impromptu dashes to the men's room. I am starting to get a little hungry. Maybe I'll get me a hamburger and some vegetables (onion rings = onions + vegetable oil, right?). Have a good night y'all...

Marilyn, Michael, & Movies

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,


So the other day, I mentioned that I would really like to see a great Marilyn Monroe biographical motion picture. Shortly after I posted that, my fellow coworker / buddy / Ukrainian luster / engineer / movie geek The Mad Scientist informed me that there was an HBO movie made about a decade ago called "Norma Jean & Marilyn" starring Ashley Judd & Mira Sorvino. Really? Wow. I'm not as big a movie geek as I had previously thought. I mean...Ashley Judd is up there with Milla, Angelina, & Adriana on my list. Where the hell was I in 1996 when this first showed up on HBO? Oh yeah, going to school and watching local channels. Anyway, thanks to Blockbuster, it showed up in my mailbox last night...so I watched it. It was a great movie in my opinion (which this blog is based upon). I honestly can't think of a way to make it better. Allow me to elaborate...


First off, as you all should know, it suffers from what I like to call "Titanicism", which is when you know the movie's not going to have a happy ending thanks to meddlesome historical facts. As the opening credits roll, it has the montage of radio reports (establishing the 1950's time frame and filling you in that the movie's about Marilyn Monroe...in case you forgot) and then the movie makers (director, writers, HBO executives) asked themselves, "How do we grasp the attention of the audience so that they'll watch the entire movie? I know!!! We'll have Ashley Judd naked in church. Brilliant!!! Wait, and then, she'll go skinny dipping. Man, it's almost too easy." Bravo to the lovely & talented Ashley Judd for doing this movie. Go Wildcats!!!


Aside from shameless nudity, the story revolves around how Norma Jean had a troubled childhood involving a clinically insane mother, foster care complete with father figure pedofiles, and a burning ambition to be a great actress. As the story goes, she decides the best way to make it as a woman in 50's cinema is to smurf her way to the top...and does so very well...but then develops a schizophrenic personality (we've all been there, right?) and picks up an addiction to alcohol, painkillers, various other medications, and acceptance by others. A lethal combination to say the least. This movie was very similar to "The Notorious Bettie Page" and not just for the incredible views of the female anatomy...but the story about striving to be an actress & just being seen as a piece of gorgeous, curvy meat. The main difference - Marilyn overdosed and died at the age of 36 while Bettie found Jesus and is alive & well at the age of 84.


We all face hardships & see horrible things in our lives...and sometimes we just need good friends & family to help us out through those hardships. Drugs are not the answer...and if you don't believe me just saying it, then I'd be happy to go on a field trip with you to a rehabilitation clinic or some other desireless location to see how they destroy the mind & body over time. I know it doesn't sound like a lot of fun...but I'm willing to help...and I'm sure there are plenty of others out there willing to do the same thing so that you can live a happy, healthy, & productive life...even if it's just blogging away about your opinions and (gasp) feelings. This offer goes for anybody...not just the busty blondes...just in case there was any confusion out there. That's right, even you Courtney Love. We all deserve a second chance. I tend to ramble & drift all over the place and I wanted to make sure that my message was heard. Anyway, see "Norma Jean & Marilyn" and we're off to my next rant...


Michael Vick - Stop rolling your eyes. I just wanted to say one more thing about Mr. Vick and the cluster smurf situation that he's in. Do I think that Michael Vick should be penalized for what he has been a part of? Yes. It was illegal. He should be penalized. Do I think that he should go to jail for it? No. I believe that he should pay a HEFTY fine. Where should the money go? I don't know, how about public schools in Virginia? They could sure use it...and it'll promote thought, which would deteriorate from the allure of dogfighting, right? Why do I think this?

• He's done a lot for his community and the South in general. Sure, you can cynically say that it was a PR move on part of his NFL career...but it was done. How much of your time & money have you donated recently?
• He allegedly killed the dogs after performing badly in dogfights. Have you ever seen a dog that performed badly at a dogfight? Euthenasia perhaps. Okay, that may be a bit of a stretch.
• Also, I'm pretty convinced that he didn't kill the dogs himself. Why? Do you really think that a Pro Bowl quarterback is going to put his billion dollar hands anywhere near a dog that has been trained to kill?
• Sending him to prison for killing dogs would mean that every SUV-driving soccer mom out there should have to spend 30 days in lockup when they hit a dog in the road for involuntary dogslaughter.

These are just my opinions...and I'm not a lawyer or judge or anything (gasp) so I'm sure that he'll get the allotted jail sentence for the gambling charges. I also can't believe it...but Whoopi and I have something in common now. Scary. Maybe one day she'll be funny too. One can only hope. Also, I have an idea of how we can do this dogfighting thing with humans. Now, here me out. What we do is train these humans (probably men) to be vicious, violent individuals specializing in taking other humans to the ground as quick & effectively as possible. Drugs, equipment, incentives, whatever it takes to get the best performance out of them. Then we have them line up eleven on each side and have them fight over something resembling a pigskin chew toy. If they perform badly, we cut them & let them live the rest of their lives with their mental & physical injuries...probably dying long before their prime...all in the name of entertainment. Does this sound kind of morbid & inhumane?

On a completely separate note, the NFL football season starts tonight as the Super Bowl champion Indianapolis Colts take on the New Orleans Saints!!!

Speaking of New Orleans, I don't believe that I've mentioned this on the blog yet...but Tuesday, I will be spending a few days in the Big Easy on a company trip. I've been there a few times pre-Katrina, but this'll be my first time back since then. I expect that it will be a lot of fun...and I'll have plenty of pictures & stories when I get back, I'm sure of it. Speaking of stories from the Louisiana, here are some of my favorites...

New Orleans Movies

Medal Winners

Gold - Interview with the Vampire (1994) - While most probably watched this movie for Mr. Angelina Jolie & Tom Cruise (before he was in the closet), it was a great movie with a dramatic twist to the usual vampire horror...and beautifully set in New Orleans. I've seen a few of the locations used in my previous trips...but I think we're doing a night tour of all the creepy places that'll include some of the spots too next week. Also, this movie made Antonio Benderas a superstar and Kristin Dunst was creepingly sexy despite being...what? Ten?

Silver - A Streetcar Named Desire (1951) - Wanna see Marlon Brando back before he would only work for eight-digit salaries & let himself go? Check out this adaptation of the Tennessee Williams screenplay costarring Vivian Leigh ("Gone with the Wind") as Blanche DuBois, the Southern Belle who moves in with her sister Stella in New Orleans but it tormented by her brutish brother-in-law Stanley (Brando). Simpson fans will also recognize a lot of the lines. Seriously though, it's a classic...and a little tidbit about the play. Tennessee Williams actually based the title on a streetcar with the name of Desiree (Dez-ah-ray, to those who have never dated a girl named that). Here's to typos!!!

Bronze - Deja Vu (2006) - A Tony Scott action movie involving time travel, New Orleans, Denzel, destiny, and Jesus as the crazy bomber (face it Jim Caviezel, you'll never live it down), what's not to like about this movie? I didn't even have to mention the fact that VAL KILMER is in it...or that Adam Goldberg provides comic relief...or that Paula Patton is really really hot. So the story goes like this, a ferry on the Mississippi River is blown up and during the investigation, an ATF agent (Denzel) discovers a body nearby that is somehow linked to the explosion...but how? She also seems familiar to him for some reason. He helps out a mysterious branch of the FBI that has surveillance satellites that can see anything within range...but oddly enough only 4 days prior. Hmm, intrigued? Watch the movie anyway. It's pretty cool.

Suggestion - The Client (1994) - A lot of you have probably seen this one...but then again, if I've seen it, then you probably have to. Here's the plot according to IMDB: "A street-wise kid, Mark Sway (Brad Renfro), sees the suicide of Jerome Clifford, a prominent Louisiana lawyer, whose current client is Barry 'The Blade' Muldano (Anthony LaPaglia), a Mafia hit-man. Before Jerome shoots himself, he tells Mark where the body of Senator Boyd Boyette is buried. Mark escapes, and Clifford shoots himself. Mark is found at the scene, and both the FBI and the Mafia quickly realize that Mark probably knows more than he says. Mark decides he needs a lawyer, and goes looking for one. He finds Reggie Love (Susan Sarandon), who also becomes convinced that Mark knows more than he says, but Mark isn't talking..." Intrigued? Well, Tommy Lee Jones & Mary Louise Parker are in it too, if that helps.

Flush It - Hard Target (1993) - Saying that it's one of Van Damme's best is like saying it's the tallest midget. It still comes up short. However, this is not one of Van Damme's best (gasp) and I may elaborate on the better ones on a future post. I still like this movie for what it is...an action movie about hunting the most deadly game of all - Man. Directed by John Woo, starring Lance Henriksen, Arnold Vosloo, Yancy Butler, and other B-stars, I have to say that my favorite performance is given by Mr. Diabetes himself, Wilford Brimley as the lovable creole Uncle Douvee. If you thought that you could barely understand him on the commercials because of his moustache...wait until you hear him speak all cajun-like. By the way, I would have said "Angel Heart" here...but you've already heard enough about that movie.

Future Watch - Deja Vu Deux (2010?) - Okay, that's probably not going to happen. I just made it up...or did I? Actually, I'm just glad that they're filming in New Orleans again & the city is on the long trek back to the greatness that it was back in 2005. It's a beautiful city that has provided dramatic background to other films like "Runaway Jury", "Double Jeopardy", "Skeleton Key", "Pelican Brief", and "Girls Gone Wild: Doggy Style." The South will rise again!!!

The Quest - Part One

Day 1 - Salt Lake City to St. Louis


After missing the flight on Wednesday, we (my mother & I) were rescheduled for Thursday...on separate airlines...but at similar times, so it was all good. We woke up around 5:15 AM and drove to my dad's for a lift to the airport two miles from his house. As previously mentioned, my mother & father have been divorced for over a decade...but this went very well. We just drove there, doing the small talk thing along the way. Nothing much to report about that. No celebrity style catfight or altercation to speak of...maybe next time. We had a Burger King breakfast because the Blue Burrito Grille...just doesn't sound appetizing to me. It's like one of the new Ritz-Carlton restaurants out there called Salt. It just doesn't appeal to me. Mmm salt. Why is the burrito blue? Because of the corn? Why is the corn blue? Did it's mate cheat on him with his brother? If so, I understand...but I doubt that's the case.



While at the airport, I had sufficient time to meet a few people waiting for my flight to Phoenix (with connector to St. Louis). Private First Class Nelson was among one of these people. He was returning back from his 2nd tour in Iraq and had broken his ankle in a scrimmage (not exactly two-hand touch football, I'm told) and was returning to his wife in Phoenix. I said thanks for laying his life on the line & all the usual patriotic stuff...and offered him a Pepsi. He wisely declined...because soda is bad for you apparently...and only Coke is served in the airport, I later found out. He seemed like a good dude...and I hope he's getting some serious R&R back home.


Also, because I like to keep my mind sharp...and I'm a little hyperactive most of the time, I did my share of people watching. I didn't take any pictures of these people...because I thought it would be rude...but I assure you they were real. One was a gentleman who looked like Sammo Hung, star of the TV series "Martial Law" & Martial arts movies...but with a large ZZ Top-esque beard. It was quite entertaining...and he may have caught me staring. It was just so captivating...like a lumberjack sumo.


I also saw a very lovely young woman in a wheelchair. It struck me that this was the first time that I had seen such a thing. I'm almost certain that it had something to do with a car accident...so please drive safely out there everybody...but it just hurt me to think that this woman...or anybody else in a wheelchair was in one. Then, because my train of thinking always seems to go this way, I wondered if she had ever felt...well...an orgasm before losing feeling below the bellybutton. That poor woman!!! It's a damn tragedy!!! If stem cell research could help with that in ANY way, I'm all for it. By the way, I know that most of you are probably Utahns like me...and we can say stupid stuff pretty freely about using aborted baby fetuses & disabled girls having orgasms...but I was about to enter & drive through the Bible Belt. It was quite the experience...and luckily my mom was there to hear my thoughts...because I couldn't have expressed them outside of the car for fear of persecution and what I like to call 'Deliverance' in the backwoods of the Mid-South. More on that later...


On the flight to Phoenix, the gentleman across the aisle from me was a coach with Stanford University Golf. He was talking about some German kid who was the best European amateur & some twins in Colorado or something (I was eavesdropping on his cell phone call because I thought he was a basketball coach at first) but then we got to talking about Tiger Woods going there and I shared some of my ideas for Extreme Golf...and he thought that I was one crazy cracker. Agreed. In Phoenix, I had a thirty minute layover, so I ran through there like O.J. to get to my next flight in a different terminal. I made it...just in time to sit next to the coughing girl all the way to St. Louis (luckily only a 2.5 hour flight) and enjoyed "Fracture" with Anthony Hopkins. It was pretty good. I like movies where I root for the bad guy. Especially when the bad guy is Anthony Hopkins.





I landed in St. Louis, got my luggage & waited for my mother who arrived several hours earlier (direct flight) to come pick me up in our rental Chevy Cobalt (nice car by the way). While waiting there, I thought to myself about there being a person identical to me out there...and if they're doing more with the same size, looks, talent, skills, mind, etc. than I am on my end. Sure, I've seen a lot of places in this world...but would an identical person in a slightly different environment be married, have kids, be addicted to crack, still love basketball, work at a women's shelter, like anime, or something else if they lived...say, in East St. Louis or something. Like I said, I think of strange things when my mind isn't occupied with work or other mindless distraction. That's just how I roll. If you see me zoned out, I'm thinking about something...probably something dirty...but I'll never admit to it.



We arrived at our hotel, the Renaissance St. Louis Grand & Suites Hotel, and it was quite lovely as these pictures will illustrate. The rooms were great too...and the location was across the street from the convention center and mere blocks away from the Gateway Arch. Gee, you'd think I sold these for a living with that statement. Also, a stone's throw away were several restaurants...including our selection for the day, a lovely Irish pub & restaurant called "The Dubliner" which had an inviting neon sign & Irish flag. By the way, I'd like to dedicate all my neon pictures in this blog to my buddy B who really likes neon pictures. These are for you buddy.



After a few Guiness, a Whiskey Cheese Toastie (man-sized grilled cheese sandwich), and some Bailey's Irish Ice Cream, we staggered back to the hotel for the night. End scene.



Day 2 - St. Louis to Memphis


I woke up to a lukewarm shower. I enjoy a lukewarm shower. Hot showers are too much, especially when the Heat Index is around 105 degrees as it was...and cold showers are good for waking you up...but so is a chainsaw or a lawnmower. Because of our missed flight on Wednesday, we only had the one night in St. Louis to start...but we'd come back...after a few days in Memphis, Tennessee - Capital of the Mid-South, home of the Blues, and the Birthplace of Rock & Roll...as this giant ornamental egg confirms.



Our journey started a few miles outside of St. Louis, where I ate at my first Waffle House. The waitress was a cutie...and man, could she make some chocolate chip waffles & cheesy hash browns. My mom's omelette looked delicious too.



Our next stop was in the city of Hayti, Missouri because my mom wanted to get some Powerball lotto tickets (and we talked for hours about how we were going to share the winnings with all of our friends and family...but then lost Saturday night). Oh...and she wanted to have a picture taken with a huge cock...



In Osceola, Arkansas (pronounced Ar-Kansas) we stopped to get an ice cream...and I heard my first "Yankee" of the trip. My mom & I were kind of eavesdropping on conversations while she looked through the souvenior stuff found at most interstate convenience stores...and it was quite entertaining. Here's a sign to prove that I was in Ar-Kansas.



After more driving, we finally ended up in Memphis...and after negotiating a real cluster funk of a parking situation brought upon by a tour bus driver whose directions started "M'kay, first you go down this one-way road the wrong way..." and then from there it just gets more ridiculous...like a South Carolina beauty queen answering a question. We arrived at the Springhill Suites Memphis Downtown, again conveniently located on the riverfront trolley line in the heart of downtown...and includes a complimentary breakfast with waffles. This blog is paid for by the good men & women of...okay, it comes out of my pocket...but these guys gave me a great rate. We checked in & cooled down for an hour or so watching "16 Blocks" and looking over maps of the city. Luckily, everything was within a few blocks...including the legendary Beale Street...which is like Bourbon Street, only in Memphis.



Our first stop was the FedEx Forum, home of the NBA's Memphis Grizzlies & the Memphis Rock 'n' Soul Museum. Here is photographic evidence that we were there.



They didn't allow cameras inside, so I'll just tell you that it was a great museum about the early days of blues, rock & roll, and soul music born & bred right there along the muddy banks of the Mississippi and primarily down Beale Street. If ever in town, check it out...it's next to the Hard Rock Cafe...and the Hooters. I don't know what it is about Hooters...but I even picked them out of the lights on the flight in last night...and stumble upon them in every major city I go to. It's a gift, I think.


After the museum, we decided to get something to eat at a restaurant called the Rum Boogie Cafe...and they had a great dish called the Chicken Rum Boogie, which was basically Malibu Chicken with a little barbecue sauce. Delicious! I also had some red beans & rice...and some of the best ribs that I've ever had. The drinks sucked...but we had great live musical entertainment. Afterwards, we walked the street for a while & I took some neon pictures for my boy B.


After approaching the end, we decided that we needed a real drink for the ride of the trolley along the riverfront, so we stopped by a spot and purchased two icy blue beverages with Everclear in them. Fifteen bucks for the two of them...but it had enough alcohol to be worth it. While waiting for them, my mother & I were approached by a woman who had had a few to drink. She was quite attractive in her leopard print haltertop and miniskirt...and librarian glasses. She had a pony tail...and that's always hot. We gabbed a bit about the heat and she mentioned that she had come down for the weekend from Jonesboro, Ar-Kansas (though she didn't pronounce it correctly). If my mom wasn't there, she appeared to be digging me...but then again, she may have just been using me for support...because she was stumbling a bit. Either way, she had a great smile & was having a great time...as were my mom & I.


We took the trolley ride all the way around so that we could see the light off the Mississippi and the Pyramid illuminated at night...but we found neither. Oh well, it was still nice. Here's a comparison of what the Martin Luther King Bridge looked like...and how it looked...on Blue...




Also, FYI, we didn't have time to check out the Civil Rights Museum in Memphis...but it's actually the Lorraine Motel where Dr. King was assassinated. I just thought that was unique. What do you think Bono? "Early morning, April 4, a shot rings out...in the Memphis sky. Free at last, they took your life...but they could not take your priiiiiiide. IN THE NAAAAAAME OF LOVE!!!" Thank you Bono, that said it all.


We arrived back at the hotel to hear continued blah blah blah about the Michael Vick case and his guilty plea...and apology. What more could you people want from the man? He confessed to the crime AND apologized to everybody that he knows. He's going to jail for at least a YEAR. Meanwhile, people with long histories of random assault, drunk driving, & various other violent charges on humans are on probation. Is that Justice? Maybe. What he did was wrong...and there's laws against it...but is it worse than what is done at dairy farms all across the United States? I worked at one for a few years...and if that's not wrong, then I don't what's so bad about this situation. Anyway, that's all. I'm done with it now. Let the wheels of Justice & Public Relations do their thing. Meanwhile, I'll keep voicing my opinion in blog format...and in person occasionally to anyone who will listen. This entry is already incredibly long...so I think I'll pick up with Day 3 tomorrow some time. To be continued...

Sports, Shorts, & Other Sorts

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

Sorry for the out-of-character day between entries...but apparently my home laptop has a virtual STD of some sort (probably some whore on MySpace). I'm not sure. I just tried to log on yesterday morning...and it froze...so I took it back to Superior Computers...oh and I had the day off, so I watched "Big Love", worked on my car, & ate some Colosimo Brats...best brats this side of Bavaria. Go to the Magna location though, because they're rolled by hand by the owners...and they've got skills. I wonder if they have an available daughter in her twenties...anyway, it's been a busy sports news time since then, so I'm going to catch you up if you don't mind.

Michael Vick is SCREWED!!! - This is what SHOULD be on the front page of every sports section in the lower 48. It's quick, simple, & accurate. So three of his former co-defendants / business partners / friends in this alleged (love that word) dogfighting organization are turning squealer and looking for a plea bargain...leaving Mr. Vick, one of the hottest commodities in sports, in a very lonely place. Over the past few weeks, before trials have even started, a large portion of his contracts with various athletic apparell & other organization have been rescinded or delayed...and now, it's more of a question of whether he'll try to plea bargain by Friday for a reduced sentence instead of will he play opening week against the Vikings.

Now, I'm not saying that what Mr. Vick did was anything less than insanely cruel to animals...but does that mean that he should go to jail for 5 years AND pay millions in fines...when those rednecks who stick firecrackers up feline fanny & light 'em up get a night in the drunk tank? I hope that he pleas....and then PLEADS to the NFL, PETA, Nike, and the American public for forgiveness. This guy has done a LOT for underpriviledged families, especially in the South where it's needed most. I'm just saying, don't throw this guy away because he loaned some money to his 'friends' from Newport News for them to get some money (no questions asked) and then they turn on him like every woman in a mobster movie (Penelope Cruz in "Blow", Lorraine Bracco in "Goodfellas", Sharon Stone in "Casino", etc.) Besides, if you're going to tell me that second-hand animal cruelty is worse than drugs, shootings, stabbings, assault, vehicular homicide, or anything else that the NFL has suspended a few games for...then what about tailgate parties, where I see the sweet, deliciously charred flesh of animals put on display & ravaged by thousands of fans??? ...and that's just in the stadium parking lot. Something to think about.

Vince Young /Conspiracy of the Day - Okay, so ESPN & other sports shows are making a big deal about last year's number one NFL pick & Tennessee Titans quarterback Vince Young being benched for the first preseason game because he didn't stay at the team hotel in Nashville...but slept at home about three miles away instead. Not a big deal, right? Absolutely. So why is it even mentioned? I'll tell you why...and it's my Conspiracy of the Day - Today was the release of EA Sports NFL Madden 2008 video game, one of the most highly anticipated sports titles in history...and who's on the cover? Vince Young. Publicity? Remember, I have a degree in Marketing Management. Also, it's preseason. I think the conversation went something like this...

Vince: "Hey Coach, do I really have to play in this stupid preseason game?"
Coach Fisher: "I don't want you to get an injury...but the fans'll run me out of town if I don't play you. You're the franchise right now."
Vince: "True. Plus Madden comes out a few days later...and Vick & Culpepper had horrible injuries the years they were on it."
Coach Fisher: "Hmm, how about this? Since it's a home game anyway...instead of staying at the team hotel, you decide to sleep in your own bed. Then I can say it was breaking that team rule about players with less than four years experience...so you'll sit the game out...and the fans won't be mad...because I'm just keeping the rules intact & establishing my authority over the young superstar. Sound good?"
Vince: "Damn coach. You got skills at this stuff."
Coach Fisher: "That's why I still have a job and no Super Bowl ring, son. By the way, you wanna play Madden on Tuesday when it comes out?"
Vince: "As long as I can be the Patriots!!!"
Coach Fisher: "Fine. I'll still whoop your ass...even with the Titans."
Vince: "That's bold, coach."

Relocation of Sports Teams - So the Seattle Supersonics owners have decided to move the team to their hometown of Oklahoma City. I'm not even angry that they're moving the team to Oklahoma City...because they're the ones that paid $400 million to get the team, so they can move it wherever they want. What I'm concerned about is the name of the team changing to the Oklahoma City Sonics. Sure, the headquarters for fast food chain Sonic is located there...and I'm sure that they wouldn't be too happy about my idea of calling them the Bombers...but there's plenty of names that make more sense. Let's see what OKC is famous for. There's the warehouse district turned trendy shopping area called Bricktown...so the OKC Bricks? No, that's really bad for a basketball team. It's known as the 'Horse Show Capital of the World' so how about the OKC Horses? Or Clydesdales? Oh well, that gets my vote so far...but I'm sure they can work something out. I've never been to Oklahoma City.

The reason that I'm so concerned...is that I live in Utah...and we have one big-time professional team, the Utah Jazz. Originally, they were the New Orleans Jazz before they moved here in 1977 and retained the name. The thing is that you can't go 50 feet in New Orleans without stumbling upon somebody who can play a jazzy saxophone...but you really have to know a place in Salt Lake City to find any jazz music. It just doesn't fit. However, the New Orleans team is now called the Hornets (formerly in Charlotte). What I propose...is that the Jazz & Hornets make a trade...not of players...but of team names...so it's the New Orleans Jazz & Utah Hornets. This would help both teams identify with their local culture more. It's not just Utah though. What about the Los Angeles Lakers (originally Minneapolis Lakers back in the FIFTIES)? I propose...the Los Angeles Quake...and furthermore, thanks to a high school sports marketing class ten years ago, I have designs for the logo...and a catchy name for the new stadium, the Epicenter!!! Besides, when Kobe bitches (and he will) the headlines can read "Kobe quakes about Quake" or "Aftershocks from Kobe's lackluster season" or some cheesy stuff like that. It'll work, trust me. Anyway, there are others too...but I'm already tired of the subject...and cleaning up multi-million dollar enterprises mistakes.

Relocation of Sports Referees - Former NBA referee Tim Donaghy is expected to plead guilty to betting on games that he refereed...and effectively change his name & identity while moving to the lovely city of Lamont, Wyoming or some other witness relocation hideaway. I may have already said too much.

Death of a Legend - Yankee Hall of Fame shortstop & broadcaster Phil Rizzuto died in his sleep today at the age of 89. Pneumonia had caused his declining health over the past few years...but his legacy lives on. He was a quick & spunky shortstop during the time of the Yankees dynasty of the 40's & 50's, called the game where Roger Maris hit his 61st home run of the year in 1961 to break the Babe's record (and stood until steroids were commonplace), and called many more memorable moments in Yankee history. He will be missed.

Anyway, I guess that's about it for sports today. I really didn't have much happen over the past few days other than I'm feeling much better now, I've watched the first 8 episodes of "Big Love", it's over a hundred degrees & I don't like it because I've been working on my car, and my laptop's in the shop probably using the shampoo & the tiny comb as we speak...not that I know what that's like...I've just heard...from friends. Scout's honor!!! Trust me, I haven't had enough action to worry about that stuff...besides, we're talking about a laptop. Why is your mind always in the gutter? Geez!

HEY, LOOK OVER THERE!!!

I'm also wearing shorts today...which I usually only do when I play basketball...but it was hot today...and it was a Hawaiian dress day at work...and it felt right...like the lovely Polynesian girl on the back of my shirt pressed up against me. Aaaaah, that's nice. Oh, by the way, thank you for noticing my new picture on my profile...and if any of you know where I can find a mirror like this...or a stencil that I can use for my bathroom mirror, please let me know. The dude abides...

Just in case you haven't seen them, here are a few more of my favorite motivational messages that I thought I would share with you.

Enjoy your situation, because it could be worse.

Stay in School!!!

Allow me to be more specific. Stay in college!!!

Weekend Report

Good Afternoon Again,

Friday - July 20, 2007

• As you may have heard, after work I had a date. I will let you know that I was not late for this very important date. The downtown area of Slick City was filled with these restrictive orange cones & there was some kind of event going on so there were horses standing & walking like Rory Calhouns all over the place.


• After several phone calls to find out EXACTLY where she was so that I could double park pick-up, we finally headed off to our destination, Thai Siam restaurant.


• This was Day 3 of five consecutive days where I had a full meal of Thai food. It is delicious, but I was ready for a change today. The food at Thai Siam is excellent if you ever get the chance. Small, quaint, beautiful atmostphere too.


• We talked about ourselves. I felt that I talked too much (believe it or not) but we both got to know eachother a little bit & laugh a lot.


• She has spent time in Korea & I have spent time in China, so we discussed our favorite things about different cultures & cuisines.


• She mentioned that she enjoyed Kung Fu movies...and I suddenly found myself in a slow-motion trance thinking to myself, "Where have you been all my life?"


• She hasn't seen any Tony Jaa movies yet, so I'm thinking a future date may be "Ong Bak" & "The Protector" but I may be getting ahead of myself


• After dinner, we decided to go see a movie. She chose "Live Free or Die Hard"


• I was in slow motion again.


• During the previews, we made fun of this "Inside the Extras Studio" spoof, then retracted our statements saying that it was kind of mean to the guy they were interviewing...but still hilarious.


• The movie had everything - Explosions, cyberterrorism, ass-kickin' Asian chicks, jets, car chases, one-liners, car crashes, quick wits, & more explosions. Good time was had by all.


• After the movie, we walked around the parking lot a bit (intentionally, I assure you) and then I drove her back to her car.


• She seemed a little nervous (and I was double-parked) so I didn't force the kiss...so there was none. She did text me later & said that she had a great time...so future dates are definitely a possibility, when time permits. Yippee!!!

Saturday - July 21, 2007

• Woke up when it became too warm in my apartment to sleep (around 9:30)


• Headed to my dad's & we FINALLY finished working on my window. It was surprisingly simple once we were able to take it apart & see how it works.


• Rivet guns are awesome.


• My dad & I relaxed afterwards by watching "Weird Science" starring the young versions of Bill Paxton, Robert Downey jr., Anthony Michael Hall, & Kelly LeBrock. Whatever happened to Kelly LeBrock? I'll bet it was sexy.


• After relaxing, I went to my brother's & downloaded a bunch of PS3 stuff from the Playstation Store like demos for Ninja Gaiden Sigma, Virtua Tennis 3, & Rub a Dub


• My brother REALLY enjoys Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six Vegas, so we played that a little bit, then he went online to get lit up like a Christmas tree by who I can only assume are professional assassins homing their skills in a virtual environment.


• That night, I also started to look into some of the features of MySpace...and apparently a lot of hot American girls that take up residency in China want to get to know me & have me check out their nude pictures.


• Girls are very forward online, so I hope that I don't catch a virus


• I always use protection

Sunday - July 22, 2007

• I awoke to my 3-year old niece Kelaudri staring at me as I slumbered on a pull-out sofa


• It was sweet & creepy all at the same time (like a kiss from an Italian mob boss)


• For some reason, my 9-month old niece Kairi thought that she would spend the day screaming & crying for no apparent reason (well-fed, diaper dry, etc.)


• She has been teething but she wasn't even accepting a chew toy or a finger or whatever. She was just very upset about something. I briefly considered putting a blanket over her head until she fell asleep, but was informed it was "inhumane" for some reason.


• After several hours of baby screaming, her older sister decided to do the same. That's when I decided to put them both to sleep...but decided to let them take a nap instead.


• When Kairi refused to nap, I thought about what usually gets little girls to be quiet, so I went on the internet & let her look at shiny, expensive things


• That did the trick!!!


• Went home & watched "Requiem for a Dream"


• I was warned about this movie...and yet I still watched it. I knew there was a reason that I didn't do drugs...and that reason is Jared Leto's arm.


• I still have a little bruise from where I donated blood last week...and it's kind of creeping me out now because of this movie


• Slept surprisingly well, woke up early for work

News Update of the Day - Okay, so I've looked a little more into this Michael Vick dogfighting ring situation...and wow, I was mistaken as to how the dogs are prepared for battle. I thought it was just the encouraging of aggressive behavior through positive reinforcement...like horrible parents in trailer parks or something. I'll spare you the details...but the term 'raping machine' was mentioned several times. So I figured the best way for Mr. Vick & anybody else associated with this dogfighting organization, upon being found guilty in a court of law, should be put in a similar situation. A place where they would be put in a rough & tumble, enclosed environment, where the weak are slaughtered, there's a constant fear of rape (his quick moves may come in handy), & you're isolated from all that you know & care about. If only such a place existed...

Burning Image of the Day - Besides watching Jennifer Connelly go cheek-to-cheek last night (which was both hot & disturbing at the same time), the other image burnt into my head was looking around my workplace & thinking that everybody looked a little depressed today. Everybody has been looking down as if in deep thought & contemplating some future course in their life...but their current situation was just too complicated for facial expression. Then I realized that they were all reading that new Harry Potter book. I kid you not. Just about EVERYBODY at my workplace is reading that damnable book of heracy.

I went to the breakroom to watch some ESPN as they were discussing golf (Why? Who cares? It's golf.) and I noticed there were four people sitting there, all reading Harry Potter & the Sleepy Hollows or whatever it is. "Are you reading the Harry Potter book too?" "Who's Harry Potter? Does he write mysteries or something?" I thought it was funny...and the only other non-reader thought so too. The key is a straight face & snappy delivery. You guys are gathered around a TV to read a book. Even if I were literate (voice-activated typer), I probably wouldn't read Harry Potter. Give me "The Land of Sniggl-de-Bloop" for my kids.

"In the Land of Sniggl-de-Bloop, where all the inhabitants eat nothing but soup, made of hambone & whalebone & that type of goop, lived a Sniggl-de-Creep & a Sniggl-de-Bleep..." thanks to my mom, I can do this all day...but I won't. Besides, I've already skipped to the end of the book & I thought that the Zombie Ninjas destroying Hogswart was a bit of a stretch...even for me. I'm sorry if I spoiled it for you, but JK Rowling should've worked robots into it somehow.

Random Thought of the Day - So I was watching "Roots" earlier today for the first time (only about 40 minutes into it...so no slavemasters yet) & it got me thinking about a fun little game that my brother & I like to do when we're in public & want to mess with people. No, it doesn't involve thumbvises or whips. The reason that Roots made me think of it is because...well, I was expecting subtitles & was disappointed when Kunta Kinte made me reminisce about Reading Rainbow. By the way, did you know that OJ was in Roots? Now you do. Anyway, when there were no subtitles, I thought of our game.

We'll go to Wal-Mart, Best Buy, or really anywhere where there are people to mess with (basically outdoors) and we'll talk gibberish to one another sounding like a different language. Usually the person that starts sets the tone for the language but it usually sounds either Eastern European or African. It'll usually go something like this. One of the people at Best Buy will walk up to us when we're checking out TV show seasons or something...

"Hey guys, do you need help finding anything today?" That's when I'll look at my brother (usually looking at some anime show I've never heard of) and say something like "Uumba matumba click click umbaka chombi?" So he will reply, "Baka derka derka umpablo escobar shimmy shimmy ya" and this will last for several exchanges and then we'll return to English. "Yes, where is your girl-on-girl selection? My brother & I really enjoy the vagina." Just in case you plan on doing this yourself, the key is to maintain constant eye contact, keep a straight face, & speak using your hands and appropriate body language. Change the tone of your voice once in a while too...like a real conversation. Now go practice with your friends & let me know how it goes. Peace out...