Yesterday, my mom called to inform me that my Aunt Pat was being taken to the hospital because she had some internal bleeding & ulcers from around her stomach…so I was obviously a little worried. No need to fear though. I went and saw her this morning and she's doing fine now…and will be checking out of the hospital later today. The good news is that my mom got to spend the night here in town (aunt's ride home), so we hung out and talked about my move to Vegas & all the usual stuff. We had fun watching the news (both Fox 13 & "The Colbert Report") and breakfast this morning at the Belgian Waffle House. Delicious. Also, Bubbles was back in town and partying at Murphy's but I had to pass…due to my visitor…but we'll probably do something similar tonight. JJ's in town now too after a delayed flight. Good times. Oh…and my blind date called to reschedule for tomorrow night…so we'll see how that goes. In the meantime, here's some news.
Drive-By Special - Down at Max Motors in Butler, Missouri…they have a promotion that has quadrupled sales over the last few days. With every purchase of a new or used vehicle this Memorial Day Weekend…the dealership will throw in your choice of a $250 Gas Card…or $250 credit at a local gun shop. Now that's one-stop shopping. Of the more than 30 buyers at the time of this report, all but two have gone with the gun credit. Owner Mark Muller explains his reasoning for the promotion, "We did it because of Barack Obama. He said all those people in the Midwest, you've got to have compassion for them because they're clinging to their guns and their Bibles. I found that quite offensive. We all go to church on Sunday and we all carry guns. I've got a gun in my pocket right now, (Shows off his Kel-Tec .380 pistol) I have a rifle in my truck. We've got to shoot the coyotes out here, they're attacking our cows, our chickens. We're not clinging to nothing. We're just damn glad to live in a free country where you can have a gun if you want. This is the way it ought to be." See? Barack's already stimulating the economy. It's part of his whole "Reverse Psychology Stereotype Approach" for Bush's Stimulus Package, where he'll point out a stereotype of a group of people…and they take it to the bank. Not because it's a stereotype…but because it's practical to their environment & culture. Wait for another off-the-collar remark about Immigrant Workers…and watch a sales increase in tortillas & tequila…or Inner-City African-Americans…and watch the sales increase of menthol cigarettes and fried chicken. Even my fellow Utahns…and stock in Jell-O, cheesy potatoes, and baby formula will go through the roof. Not because they're stereotypes…but because they're so damn delicious (yes, even the baby formula). Or more comments about Elitists in Washington…and watch the steadily increasing sales of hybrid cars, beluga caviar, and prostitution. I'm not an economist (gasp!) but this just might work. Good luck, Senator Obama!!!New Endangered Species Class - The Wildlife Conservation Society has released a list of the "Rarest of the Rare," a dozen animals most in danger of extinction. You may be able to still see a few of these in captivity (San Diego Zoo?) but I thought that I would give each member of this exclusive and beautiful list their own spotlight on this entry…so if you'll please, help us to save the following animals.
Abbott's Booby - This majestic seabird (obviously named by a sex-starved sailor named Abbott in the 19th century) breeds on Christmas Island, a remote Australian island in the Indian Ocean, where everyday is Christmas. The introduction of yellow crazy ants (they're real, I checked) to Easter Island (where it's always Easter?) has severely altered their nesting habitat. Unfortunately, relocation to Mother's Day Island proved unsuccessful but I believe efforts are being taken to establish a small sanctuary on Thanksgiving Island…but that may just be a trap by the locals for a great feast.
Addax - A nocturnal antelope species with long spiral horns, found in the sand dunes of the Sahara Desert. Gee, I wonder why this mammal would be nocturnal. Oh yeah, because it's in the Sahara Desert. Addax sounds familiar to me…like he was a character on Tron or some other sci-fi movie. Any ideas? Oh well, I'll Google it.
Angel Shark - Bottom-dwelling, nocturnal predators once common throughout the Northeast Atlantic Ocean and the Mediterranean and Black seas, but now critically endangered. The sharks were long considered of no commercial interest, but in 1978, Michael Wagner, a fish processor in Santa Barbara began to promote angel sharks and 310 metric tons were taken off California in 1984. The fishery devastated the population and is now regulated…soon to be halted, I'm guessing.
Bengal Florican - A large terrestrial bustard bird native to Cambodia, Nepal, Vietnam, and India. Don't feel bad. I thought it was a kind of tiger too. Oh…and in case you were wondering what a Bustard Bird is…they're the large birds that walk on land mostly and tend to be in dry open areas.
Black-Faced Lion Tamarin - A small minstrel-like primate that sleeps in tree holes dug out by woodpeckers and feeds on insects, fruit, and plants. This species was discovered on the island of Superagui, Brazil, in 1990…but now, there are only about 400 left in the wild.
Burmese Roofed Turtle - One of Myanmar's seven native turtles, once abundant in the major rivers of central and southern Burma, threatened by hunting and egg poaching….and those hurricanes probably didn't help too much.
Dragonflies of Sri Lanka - Of the 53 endemic species of dragonfly found in Sri Lanka, at least 20 are threatened. Meanwhile, the Mexican Staring Tree Frog of Sri Lanka remains at large (sorry, it's a South Park joke). Maybe we should just…give them some of ours. Would that work? I'm sure that we could spare a few.
Golden Arrow Poison Frog - A beautiful and deadly amphibian native to Panama, threatened by a highly-infectious fungal disease (warts?). Then again, maybe that poison coursing through him…and piss & vinegar in his veins have made him a horrible neighbor in the jungle…and the primates of the region are wizening up…and just crush them with rocks to avoid contact. What will the native tribes use to poison their arrows now? Might I suggest oil from the equipment used to deforest your land? Make that stuff work for you a little bit.
North Atlantic Right Whale - Hunted since the 10th century, only about 350 of these slow-moving, hundred-ton cetaceans remain. FYI - If you're wondering why they're called Right Whales…it's because whalers thought the whales were the "right" ones to hunt, as they float when killed and often swim within sight of the shore. That's not a joke…yet I still giggled a bit. Does that make me evil?
Ricord's Iguana - A reptile native to two isolated locations in the arid southwestern Dominican Republic. Honestly, there are only so many that one man can take care of. Perhaps Ricord should get some help…and maybe that will help them thrive…but maybe he prefers living on his own isolated islands…and you can't hate on that.
Pygmy Hippopotamus - A small hippo from the Upper Guinean Forest of Liberia, Guinea, Ivory Coast, and Sierra Leone (you know, Diamond Country), they actually used to have species all along the Mediterranean as well…on islands such as Crete and Sicily. In 1927, Harvey Firestone of Firestone Tires presented Billy the pygmy hippo to U.S. President Calvin Coolidge. Coolidge donated Billy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park. According to the zoo, Billy is a common ancestor to most pygmy hippos in U.S. zoos today. Quite the gift, the Shetland Pony of River Horses (trust me, it's Latin).
Sumatran Rhino - Also known as the hairy or Asian two-horned rhinoceros, fewer than 300 survive today in the subtropical and tropical dry forests of Indonesia and Malaysia (but not Sumatra). The last descendant of the Woolly Rhino may be on its way to joining the ancestor.
Anyway, sorry if that was a little depressing…but I just thought I'd give them a little notoriety before they're gone. Can't wait to hang out with Bubbles, JJ, and anybody else who may be willing to party tonight. Oh...and my nephew Vinny had his checkup yesterday. He's 14 pounds, 3 ounces and 23 inches tall already (my 18-month old niece Kairi was 28 inches in March) and the doctor says he already has above average intelligence for his age. Not sure entirely what that means...except maybe that he has good genes. Have a groovy weekend everybody!!! Have fun & be safe!!!
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