Off to Vegas

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yes, I said "morning" because it's kind of early today. This is because I'm going to bed early tonight to rest up for a early morning flight to Vegas. I actually just found out last night that a few more of my friends are heading down there for another friend Jules' 30th birthday party (and I wasn't invited…because it was apparently a girls only thing…but they changed their mind). So there'll be LOTS of fun to be had. Can't wait. I'm so excited to return to Vegas. It's been almost a year. I need my fix…so I'm going doooown…down to the place called Sin Town. I need my fix…so I'm going down. Mother Superior jump the gun. Mother Superior jump the gun. (Come on now, everybody sing along) Happiness is a Warm Gun!!! (Bang bang shoot shoot) HAPPINESS IS A WARM GUN!!! (Bang bang shoot shoot) When I hold you…in my arms…and I feel my finger on your trigger, nobody can do me no harm because…HAPPINESS IS A WARM GUN!!! Anyway, now some news…

Lap Dance Injuries Exposed - Stephen Chang, a securities trader, said in court papers filed Friday that he was at the Hot Lap Dance Club near Madison Square Garden early Nov. 2, 2007, when he was injured by a stripper giving him a lap dance. According to the lawsuit, as the dancer swung around, the heel of her shoe hit him in the eye, causing him "serious injuries." Now, I'm not ashamed to say that I've been to a few of these gentlemen's clubs…because there's absolutely no reason to be ashamed of such a thing. However, I am also fully aware of the injury possibilities present. For example, one of my first experiences long ago (let's just say they didn't ID me because I was tall) was sitting on the front row with a long-legged performer…when she did her normal routine of shaking sexily…then doing a full spin over a brass horizontal bar a few feet away…and her legs were just long enough to the top of my head (the top one) and had I not been drunk, I may have been hurt. She apologized as best she could (not allowed an apologetic lap dance in Utah) but I was fine. No permanent injuries. In Vegas a few times, I could very well have suffered minor whiplash from breasts thrown in my face (My Wingman knows what I'm talking about). However, it's all part of the fun. Maybe I just like it a little rough sometimes. Who knows? What's my point? Didn't really have one, just got excited thinking about strippers so close to Vegas. However, one bit of advice. Ladies, please be careful dancing out there…but not too careful. You never know when a securities trader can't take a punch…so then come by Dr. Love and show him your routine. He's always glad to help your technique.

Monsters Vs. Aliens - So there's this new DreamWorks 3D animated movie coming out called "Monsters vs. Aliens" that allegedly "reinvents the classic '50s monster movie as a modern-day action comedy" and that sounds awesome…but then I found out who's going to be voices in it…and now it's SUPER AWESOME!!! Reese Witherspoon plays a 50-foot woman. Hugh Laurie ("House") plays Dr. Cockroach. Will Arnett plays the Missing Link, a half-ape, half-fish creature, Rainn Wilson ("The Office") plays alien warlord Gallaxhar. Kiefer Sutherland is General W.R. Monger (nice name). Paul Rudd ("40 Year Old Virgin") is in it as Reese's boyfriend, Derek. Greatest of all, THE Stephen Colbert…will play the part…of the President of the United States of America!!! Can't wait for this movie now…just for that. Sounds like it'll be a lot of fun in theaters…so keep your eyes out for the release date.

Flying Saucer House Sold at Auction - Just to show how things have gone in the housing market, the final sale price of this Chattanooga, Tennessee home was $135,000. This three-bedroom Galactic-inspired Drone ship was built in 1970 when Star Trek had just been cancelled. Auctioneer Terry Posey was shocked at the final sale price…but it happens at auctions. The house even has a retractable staircase that lowers to the ground. A neighbor says that feature came in handy for one former owner who was having an argument with her husband. She pulled up the stairway, drove her husband's truck underneath it so he couldn't get the stairs down and left him stuck inside. Honestly, who wouldn't want a house like that? That'd be sweet. I'm not sure it has vaulted ceilings which are a must in any house that I purchase…but still, it'd be cool to set up some backlights for when the Jehovah's Witnesses stop by. Play a little Steve Miller Band "Threshold", they see my lanky silhouette through the blinding lights behind me, my voice rumbles through strategically placed subwoofers, "Silence Earthlings!!! My name is Darth Vader. I am an Extra-Terrestrial from the planet Vulcan!!!" No, wait. That wouldn't work…let's go with "BEHOLD!!! WE HAVE COME!!! WE DEMAND BACON!!! BRING FORTH THIS CHARRED MAMMAL FLESH…OR FACE OUR WRATH!!!" It'd be sweet…then you could invite hot Southern belles from UTC (University of Tennessee-Chattanooga) aboard the Mothership on a magical voyage to Funkatron. "We gonna funk, funk, funk you UP!!!" GO MOCS!!!

Anyway, that'll be it for today!!! Have a great weekend everybody…and I'll catch up with you on Easter Sunday or Great Zombie Jesus Day…whichever you call it. Meanwhile, I'll be at the Easter Peep Show. Have fun!!!