Heroes & Other Sandwiches

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,


Have you ever woken up on a day off rather early...looked at the clock and said, "You know, it's a little early for a Saturday, but I'm going to get up early and go for a jog in the morning cool through the neighborhood. It's been a while...but I could use a little exercise (once the morning wood goes down)"? Then you're getting up, taking a shower, jogging around outside...and then you REALLY wake up about an hour later because all you did was doze off and dream about getting up and going for a morning run. Has that ever happened to you? I'm good about waking up when an alarm goes off, especially one of those God-awful alarms that sound like a goose caught in a dryer, "AAAH AAAH AAAH AAAH AAAH AAAH..." but when I have really nowhere to be for the day (rare) then my bed is just too damn comfortable to leave sometimes.


I spoil myself when it comes to my sleeping arrangements. King sized mattress with feather top, 500 count Egyptian cotton sheets, several warm blankets for when winter comes in, jumbo firm pillows (I sleep on my side sometimes), a ceiling fan (that's been on since March because it gets so warm in my house...and I like a chill face & snuggly warm body...is that weird?), even yesterday I moved an old 27" TV that I won from work up there that I'll probably never use & hooked up the Super Nintendo & PS2. Why? Well, they had to be put somewhere. I'm not exactly going to be playing Killer Instinct or Super Metroid lying in my bed...but if ever the situation comes up where a television would be useful, now it's there. Who knows? Maybe some girl out there has a fetish with Super Street Fighter II...


I really like the movie "Unbreakable" (2000) written, produced, and directed by M. Night Shyamalan. It's one of those movies that you can really get swept away in if you have an open mind. It's about a man (Bruce Willis) who is the only survivor of a train crash...and a comic book art dealer (Samuel L. Jackson) who thinks that he may be a real life superhero...because all legends (including comics) are loosely based on fact. I thought it was a bitchin' movie...because it shows what people can do if they believe in themselves. It's not exactly Rocky or Rudy, but Bruce's character wakes up in the morning feeling like he's not in his right place, like he should be doing more. He's a former football start...but chose to have a career as a security guard...to protect others. Could he really be a superhero? If not a superhero, at least a noble profession. I think you guys should check it out if you like Bruce Willis, Sam Jackson, M. Night, or superhero movies...but like I said yesterday, it's a little slow...because it's an M. Night movie...so it's suspenseful & thrilling. Yeah...


You guys should know the drill by now...so without further ado...(clears throat), "Speaking of Superheroes..."


Superhero Movies


Medal Winners


Gold - Batman Begins (2005) - After "Batman & Robin" forced me to boycott Joel Schumacher movies because it was just so horrible, and no offense to George Clooney...but you're not Batman, I thought that the Batman movies were done. Which saddened me, because I loved the first three movies (yes, even Batman Forever which Schumacher directed) and the original Adam West Batman movie from 1966. Seriously, if you ever get the chance, watch it & listen to the commentary with Adam West & Burt Ward. You will laugh five pounds off your ass in an hour-and-a-half. Anyway, Batman Begins was a great return to the dramatic center of the Batman / Bruce Wayne character done masterfully by Christopher Nolan...and I can't wait for next year's "Dark Knight." Batman has been probably my favorite superhero...because he's not really super...just super rich & wants to change the world for the better...like Bill Gates in an anatomically correct rubber suit. Another reason that it gets gold, I've made out through the entire movie. Only a select few GREAT movies have this distinction.


Silver - X-Men Trilogy (2000-2006) - As a kid watching the mid 90's TV show, I had made up a cast for a movie adaptation...and Patrick Stewart was always Professor X. However, I think that I had Kurt Russell playing Wolverine or something...but Hugh Jackman seemed like a better choice...since Kurt's pushing 60 or something. Anyway, I really enjoyed the X-Men movies and they did a good job of establishing it in reality & putting a moral issue in there like Racism (or Mutantism or whatever I guess it was in the movie). I can't wait for the 4th installment of the X-Men saga. What? They're not going to make a 4th movie after the first three grossed over a billion dollars? Fine, then I'll make my own...and it'll gross more money. Why you ask? This one will FINALLY have Gambit!!!


Bronze - Spiderman 3 (2007) - I thought this movie was really good at making Spiderman a superhero again. By the end of Spiderman 2, I wanted Peter Parker to lose...because he just bitched & whined so much. "It's all my fault. My uncle died because of me. Mary Jane doesn't love me. Oh wait, she does...but I can't be with her because I'm Spiderman. School is tough. My boss hates me. My landlord's a dick. His daughter's mildly attractive...but I'm gutless. My web discharges prematurely. Everybody hates Spiderman. Whatever happened to my love for science? Is my ass getting big?" JESUS, SHUT UP SPIDEY!!! Anyway, this movie established that he is, in fact, a man...and with superpowers...and it has VENOM (played by Foreman from That 70's Show...but they needed to make Tobey look imposing, I guess). Also, any movie with Thomas Hayden Church in it is great by me.


Suggestion - Pootie Tang (2001) - Some people may have told you that this is the worst movie ever made. Those people have never seen "Gigli" (oh no he didn't) and would be wrong. First off, be aware this is a comedy by Chris Rock & Louis C.K. Secondly, it's about a ghetto supahero (that's right, I said supa) who doesn't really use words...but rather his own unique gibberish & unflappable charisma to get his point across. Also, it stars Wanda Sykes, Dave Attell, Missy Elliott, and the personification of the Evil White Man himself, Robert Vaughn. It's good for a few laughs...and I would just like people to at least see it before they talk crap on it. (Julie, that's for you.) Sah da tay!!!


Flush It - The Hulk (2003) - Where did Ang Lee go wrong? "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" was amazing, then this movie came out, and then "Brokeback Mountain." Now, I haven't seen Brokeback Mountain...but I have seen South Park...and this sounds like the real-life movie about "gay cowboys eating pudding" which I laughed about hysterically on that episode...then it came to be. Anyway, back to the Hulk. It had Eric Bana, Jennifer Connelly, Sam Elliott, Nick Nolte, Josh Lucas, even a cameo by Lou Ferrigno...and it still managed to disappoint. It was just really...gosh, I can't even...what's happening to...getting angry....RAAAAAAGGH!!! Okay, so I'm not turning green but I am ripping my shirt. I do that...and it was really old...and I like to pretend that I'm Hulk Hogan every so often, brother. I think that a new "The Incredible Hulk" movie is getting started and has Edward Norton cast as Bruce Banner. Sweet.


Future Watch - The Continued Flow - "Iron Man" and "The Dark Knight" coming out next summer, a new Wolverine spin-off is always rumored, still waiting for other rumors that never seem to pass like Wonder Woman, Captain America & the Avengers, Justice League, and I'm telling ya, an X-Men with Gambit would get some serious coin. Oh...and in case you were wondering why Superman didn't make the list anywhere. It's because there was a lot of competition. I didn't like the latest one...but the Richard Donner directed movies are great. How about the whole Death of Superman saga? That'd make a great movie, wouldn't it? Just keep Ang Lee & Joel Schumacher away from directing, would ya? Anyway, I'm done for the day. Time for some sunshine & good times. Peace...