New Trip Announcement - St. Louis

What a glorious past few days this has been!!!


Yesterday, I was able to arrange my work schedule so that I could spend a week with my mother for her birthday, while she's away on business in St. Louis, Missouri next month. Using Travelocity, I was able to find an eerily inexpensive flight there & she was able to arrange for free hotel stays & a rental car courtesy of her employer. I have been to most major cities in the United States...and I've seen the Spirit of St. Louis in Washington D.C., but I have never seen the city of St. Louis, Missouri - The Gateway to the West.


First off, you may have noticed that I do not particularly care to ever see the city of Detroit, Michigan. Primarily this is due to the fact that it has highly been regarded as one of the most dangerous cities in America...but the last two years, East St. Louis has ended Detroit's reign of violent crime domination & has become the most dangerous city in America. So why would I want to go to St. Louis & not Detroit??? No, not because the Cardinals beat the Tigers in the World Series a few years back...but I admire your guess. Anybody else wanna guess? Here are several answers that would win you brownie points...

1. Mom will be there - She's a lot of fun to travel with & it's her birthday...so we can go to the Anheuser-Busch brewery and get a lot of free stuff, I'm sure of it. Cake and/or ice cream with every meal out too.


2. Gateway Arch - National Landmark that I have yet to see...and I plan on riding it up to the 630 foot summit & gandering into the West. I wonder how far west I can see from the top. I'll let you know.


3. The Blues - I enjoy good music...and St. Louis has some of the premiere blues clubs in the world. Maybe they'll have a karaoke night or something...but then again, I don't have the blues...but we'll see when the trip rolls around. I've got soul though. It has been confirmed by several people that I am, in fact, superbad.


4. Anheuser-Busch Brewery - World's largest brewery...and thanks to television commercials, it's one of the first things that I think of when I hear 'St. Louis, Missouri'. Kind of like how I associate San Antonio with Pace Picante. Oh yeah, stay tuned for a possible San Antonio trip in September.


5. Six Flags - Amusement parks & roller coasters excite me almost as much as a smiling redhead. Either way, if I see one, I just wanna ride 'em all day.


6. Riverboats - Trek the Mighty Mississippi if I get the chance. I've ridden one in New Orleans before...but now I'd like to try something upriver. Tom Sawyer style...


7. Route 66 - My buddy Nat told me that it goes through St. Louie, so I'd like to check it out...and maybe follow it a bit in the rental car.


8. Science Center - Most nerdy of all, they have a Marvel Superheroes Exhibition at the Exploradome. There are over 30 action stations that reveal the powerful, real-life science within Marvel's legends including biomechanics, visual perception, atmospheric science, soundwaves, and many more. You can even play a Super Hero Wedding!!! Actually, it looks like TOMORROW they're having one broadcast tomorrow on Y98 in St. Louis (http://www.y98.com/). I can see it now. I would actually prefer a DC Comic wedding. The groom is in his Superman suit with red underwear outside of his leotard. The bride walks down in her stunning Wonder Woman outfit (tell me that's not hot). Batman is the Best Man. Catwoman or Black Canary is the Maid of Honor. Flash & Aquaman can be worked in there too along with the Wonder Twins. Wow, I really am a nerd. This conversation is over...but here's a sneak peek at some future wedding pictures...

Anyway, what does Detroit have to offer? The Renaissance Center? What do they have going on at their Science Center? "Our Body - The Universe Within" Boring...but you may get to see a cadaver with bullet holes. I prefer Super Heroes!!! Anyway, I'll let you know how it goes obviously. Maybe we'll catch a Cardinals game too...but baseball's kind of boring...

What else is new with $teve? Well, tomorrow will be the 3rd day in a row that I have eaten Thai food. Yesterday, it helped me to regain my vigour after having blood drawn. Today, my buddy Tony picked some up for me on short notice. Tomorrow, I will be sharing a meal with the lovely friend of a lady friend from the Harry Potter movie on Monday. That's right, a planned meal with a lady. Just to let you all know, the percentage with which I have ladies actually show up to these planned events...is a fairly good batting average in the low-300's. Over the last year, I've been on a bit of a hot streak though...and I have a good feeling about this one...probably a single...and I'll get caught trying to steal second...stay tuned.

Oh...and as previously mentioned, there may be a September trip to San Antonio or Cleveland...but we shall see. Obviously I like to travel...a lot...and the opportunities are coming up recently.

Sports News of the Day - Michael Vick is having legal problems concerning a dogfighting organization. To be honest, I'm not sure what exactly he's facing besides Conspiracy charges. I'm not sure how long he would go to jail for if he wasn't Michael Vick...but I don't see that happening. To be honest, I want to go to a dog or a cockfighting ring. That's why this story interests me. I was a little disappointed a few months ago when a cockfighting establishment was raided by cops, mere blocks away from where I had lived in my dad's basement for a few years without any word on the street about it. I even went on that cruise to Ensanada last year to hopefully see a bull fight and/or a cock fight (with donkey show if time permitting) but it was only for a few daytime hours in Mexico. I did get to see a bullfighting ring at a winery...but that's about it.

Please do not get this twisted. I am not one to actively condone the brutalization or torture of animals in any way. However, I do think that there are many wonderful ways that the sports can be improved.

• Bullfighting - Instead of having a dazed, drugged, tortured, & brutally beaten bull trying to knock a red flag out of a sparkly, sworded Spaniard's hand, why not have a fully functional bull face off against his natural enemy.......the other bull that has been hanging around his dairy. BEHOLD THE FORCE OF TAURUS!!! This is another reason why I like the Running of the Bulls...because you can't feel bad for the guy that gets mauled by the bull...because they had flyers all over Pamplona telling him that was the case...and he chose to be in the streets anyway. Lesson learned.


• Cockfighting - I really don't like the idea of poultry dueling to the death...but I've mainly just wondered if they fry up the loser right there on the spot. It's also something that not too many people have experienced...or at least would admit to. Bring on the Muay Thai kickboxing matches!!! Stay tuned for my cruise of Southeast Asia next year...


• More Animal Fighting - Can a Mongoose really beat a King Cobra? Who would win in a fight between a Wolverine & a Tasmanian Devil? Tiger vs. Bear? Man vs. Monkey? I'm curious to the answers...and I think that it would provide great scientific data. Not only that, but I support cloning...so that we can bring back dinosaurs & pit them against eachother...and our modern day creatures as well. Baby T-Rex vs. a Tiger? Rhino vs. Triceratops? Pteradactyl vs. a Helicopter? Rambo vs. Raptor? I'm telling ya, it'd be sensational!!! I mean....educational.

Barry Bonds - Close to eclipsing Hank Aaron's career home run record...but it doesn't really matter because of his alleged steroid use. I don't want to rant about this. I've heard too much about it & you don't care. Just FYI - He's down to two home runs from the record.

That's about it for me today. Tune in tomorrow when I'll probably babble about this weekend's birthdays or some other crazy random stuff...

Giving Blood

Good afternoon ladies & gentlemen,


Forgive me if my typed rant is a little more...disjointed & flighty than usual. For you see, I have just returned from donating a pint of blood to the American Red Cross...and I suggest all of you to do the same. This is actually my first time donating to the blood bank. On three previous attempts, I wasn't allowed to donate because I had been outside of the United States within the last twelve months (Europe, Jamaica, & China). This last year, I spent about two hours in Ensanada, Mexico on a cruise about nine months ago but all I had there was a hangover & we toured a winery. I think I'm safe. Please allow me to go share my donating experience with you...and hopefully ease your fears about this noble cause.


It started when I arrived at work around 11 AM for my 11:30 AM donation appointment (See? Punctual.) and read over the requirements in a blue binder. Then a kind medical individual escourted me to a computer. (By the way, I say medical individual because she may have been a nurse or medical assistant or whatever but I feared not read the 3 point font on her name tag because then I'd be staring at her chest...and I'm told that is rude)


The computer had a questionairre with similar requirements to the information that I read in the binder. Apparently the requirements are basically that you live a healthy lifestyle (abstinence & no drug use), don't use a lot of medications, stay within the United States for the last year, & have never heard of Afrika or identified it on a map. I kind of lied on the last one too, but it was for a good cause. After completing that, I was escourted to a waiting area & then asked to sit in a reclining lounge chair by a gentleman in a white coat who had several tattoos, facial piercings, and a nice rat tail goatee.


Ryan was very kind & made a few jokes to lighten up the mood. "Hey Darren, am I supposed to tell them that it's my first day out of training?", "It's this end that goes in the arm, right?", the usual ice breakers that you like to hear from a medical professional. Luckily, I have an iron constitution & simply laughed away the anxiety of having an eighth of my body's life force sucked out of my body. That didn't sound very calm, did it? Trust me, I was a lot calmer than when I was having my laser eye surgery & the words "Don't take your eye off the red light" repeated in my head as...well, the procedure was done. I'll spare you the details.


People told me that there'd be a little pain when the needle was stuck in...and frankly, I was disappointed. There was the slightest of pricks & then just a little numbness in my hand after a few minutes of draining. Ryan kept up small talk to make sure that I was okay, but as I would do in the situation, he spent more time talking to the ladies & making them comfortable, talking about his past, & mentioning his EX-wife several times. Play on playa!!! My time was six minutes & eighteen seconds...and I had no idea that it was a race. He then went on to explain that it was an average time & it's really just for our own amusement. I still like to think that I won.


After I was patched up, I went to have a package of Famous Amos' bite-sized chocolate chip cookies & an orange juice. After sitting up for a few minutes, I started getting a little dizzy (tall guy losing blood in his head) so when my vision started getting a little funky, I laid down on the ground voluntarily before it went the other way. Shortly after, I was doing fine so I went to watch a little "Judge Alex" in the break room before working.


I was curious as to what my blood type was & if they found anything 'interesting' that I might want to be aware of. They informed me that my results will be mailed to me in a few weeks. Start placing your bets now for what my blood type is. My money's on Red. Anyway, that was my adventure for the day...not very exciting...but at least I'm trying to help people...and if I can help just one person a day & make another smile, that's a good day my friends.


News of the Day - This is actually a little something for my mother, who's an avid reader of my blog...and loves manatees. In the Florida Keys yesterday, an injured manatee named Pumpkin & her calf were released back into the wild after over a year of rehabilitation at the Miami Seaquarium (wonderful wildlife center & home of Ace Ventura's "Snowflake"). So here are a few pictures of the release...and manatees in general. Enjoy!!!





Celebrity Birthdays


Vin Diesel (Mark Vincent) turns 40 - The hope for a young American action star turns 40. Bruce Willis, Arnold, Sylvester Stallone, Jean Claude Van Damme, Jackie Chan, all the action heroes from back in the day are retiring. Even the 'new breed' like Jason Statham is 35. Jet Li's retired from martial arts movies in his 40's. About the only young action stars around are in Bollywood like Tony Jaa. Happy birthday Vin!!! Can't wait for that Riddick sequel...

Paul Verhoeven turns 69 - Director of violent movie gold like "Starship Troopers", "Robocop", & "Total Recall"

Red Skelton - Comedic genius. Period.

Nelson Mandela turns 89- The legendary activist against apartheid spent 27 years in prison for his beliefs & has won hundred of deserved humanitarian award & the 1993 Noble Peace prize. I think Danny Glover summed it up best: "FREE SOUTH AFRICA, you dumb son of a bitch!!!"

John Glenn turns 86 - Ohio senator, Congressional Medal of Honor winner, Presbyterian elder, Marine Corps fighter pilot, Eagle scout, Kentucky Colonel (wikipedia), master Mason, oh yeah...and he was an astronaut too. Armstrong & Aldrin may get all the glory, but John Glenn is truly an American treasure. Happy birthday Sir!!!

Blind Dates in Hogswart

Good Afternoon Witches & Warlocks,


Welcome to another ramble about nothing...which is exactly what my opinion is worth...but I've heard that some people laugh at my rambles once in a while...so I continue. Please let me know if this information is in error. I enjoy feedback.


Blind Dates - Call me Quirky or Corky...but I kind of like Blind Dates. Being terribly shy & reserved but a genuinely nice guy (stop laughing), I tend to get set up on a lot of blind dates by friends, family, coworkers, and the like. I have yet to have a horrible blind date...or any horrible date for that matter (knock on wood), merely some awkward situations, like going to a wedding for a first blind date. However, some of the reasons I like them so much are:

1. It's like being on a game show - You never know what hand you're going to be dealt & it's always fun to roll with the punches & see what happens. What will she think of me? Does she want smooth $teve or funny $teve? What will she look like? Which suitcase do I pick? Will she have a sense of humor? What kind of neuroses will she have? When should I used the lifelines? All these questions get me a little excited as I build up to the big day. Big money, no whammies. STOP!!!


2. It shows you what your friends think about you - Depending on who they set you up with, you can tell if your friend thinks about your personality, physical appearance & hygeine, what you look for in the opposite sex, education level, interests, etc. or they may just set you up with a friend or acquaintance or coworker that just bugs the hell out of them...and now they want you to share in the experience.


3. It's understood that there's a certain Speed Dating atmosphere about the whole situation - You can usually just have a drink or a meal or whatever, talk a little bit, laugh at eachother's jokes (if they're worthy), and when it's all done (or they keep answering their cell phone) you can call for the check, say your good nights, and if it went well...you can exchange information & possibly arrange for a future date...or never see that person again & wish them well in their search.

Some of you may be wondering why I'm talking about blind dates...and it's simple, I was kind of on one last night. A lady friend of mine told me several months ago that a friend of hers was eavesdropping on a text conversation that we were having (I was at work) and she thought I was funny. So the lady friend told her about me...and her friend kind of wanted to meet me. This was back in March...but with busy schedules, nothing was arranged until last night...when we went to see the new Harry Potter movie...in a group atmosphere involving myself and a total of four ladies. Nice! As I mentioned before...magic always makes the ladies happy.

We were introduced & she was a cutie, I'm not gonna lie about that. She was also very funny & smiled a lot. She was also an admitted Harry Potter nerd...but it came in handy, because as previously mentioned, I have never DREAMED of reading the books & have only seen the last two movies...but it's easy to tell who's a bad guy & all of that stuff. It's a kid's show. Whenever I had a question though, she was glad to help me out.

"So...is Gary Oldman a GOOD guy?"
"His name is Sirius Black in the movie...and yeah. He's Harry's Godfather."
"Oh, okay. I'm just so used to him playing a bad guy that I had to ask. Hey, who's the crazy witch there played by Helena Bonham Carter? I'm assuming that she's evil."
"Yeah, that's a Death Eater that Voldemorte broke out of Azkaban. She killed Weasley's parents 14 years ago & helped attack Dumbledore at Hogswart."
"......oh......so she's a bad guy. Nice. Hey, do you like Transformers?"

Apparently, she enjoyed my humor throughout the movie. All five of us had our comments for the screen. For example, "Hey, is it just me or has Harry Potter been working out? Look, you can see the veins in his arms." Or the scene where Harry was talking about feeling different and ANGRY all the time & he doesn't know why. "It's called Puberty!!! There's going to be hair growth too...but you're not going to become a werewolf." We all had a good laugh at Harry's expense...but he's not real...so it's all good.

This was also my first IMAX 3D movie experience. The final wizard battle in 3D was wicked awesome!!! I highly recommend it. When the movie ended it was after 1 AM, so we parted ways due to school & work in the morning...but it was great fun & I'm sure that we'll arrange for another meeting. Like I said, she was a cutie & we had a lot of fun in a group setting. Now, we can possibly try the one-on-one thing. Also, her friend that hooked us up called & said that she thought I was cute, funny, and of course......very tall. All very well may be true...but a great first impression was made on both ends. Yippee!!!

Random Thought of the Day - The Names of Santa's Reindeer, where did they come from? I had my own theories on this question (involving Kaisers, the Donner Party, & various other abstract ideas that I dare not speak in public)...so I thought that I'd look it up. Of course, the actual information was from Wikipedia, source of all information that is important...and more.

• Dasher - The first reindeer and the right-hand leader of the sleigh before Rudolph was included. He is the speediest reindeer.


• Dancer - The second reindeer and the left leader before Rudolph was included. She is the graceful reindeer.


• Prancer - The third reindeer and on the right in the second row. He is the most powerful reindeer.


• Vixen - The fourth reindeer and on the left-hand side in the second row. She is beautiful, and also powerful like her companion Prancer.


• Comet - The fifth reindeer and on the right-hand side in the third row. He brings wonder and happiness to children when Santa flies over everyone's houses.


• Cupid - The sixth reindeer and on the left-hand side in the third row. She brings love and joy to children when Santa flies over everyone's houses.


• Donner - The seventh reindeer and on the right-hand side in the fourth row. His original name is Donder, meaning "thunder" in German.


• Blitzen - The eighth reindeer and on the left-hand side in the fourth row. Though female, she is frequently portrayed as a male in American pop culture. Her original name is Blixem. She is known as the lightning reindeer because the word 'Blitz' is German for lightning.

For more information, feel free to read about the interesting history of Santa's Reindeer. Anyway, that's probably enough for today. Have a groovy night!!!

Birthday Weekend

A Fabulous Afternoon to all of my fans, both of you, hi mom,


This weekend was just one fun thing after another. Allow me to elaborate in a step-by-step process similar to last weekend...but with more cake involved.


Friday - 7/13/07 - Friday the 13th

• I worked eight hours taking phone calls & talking with great people. The one thing that I really don't like about this portion of my job...is that not ALL of the people that call in are great...and they want something for nothing...because they feel they are entitled to it. When somebody starts yelling at me & telling me what they're entitled to when it simply isn't true, that's when I get all parental on them, have a little verbal spat with them, and it usually ends with me yelling "Get a job or get out of my house!!!"


• Then Deja Vu hits!!! Not really, but I've seen this conversation between my brother & parents a few times...so it's really just a memory...but deja vu is just so...French...and as anybody can tell you, French stuff is some of the funnest to say...and it's sexy.


• Then I tripped on a black cat & fell under a ladder breaking the mirror that I always keep in my pocket...because I'm vain. Luckily, I got the mirror at Wal-Mart so I was only out $3.49 plus tax & Mittens was okay.


• After work, I went over to my dad's to give my car some much needed TLC but even in the dusk hours, it's incredibly hot here in Utah over the past few weeks. It was quite exhausting but there's one thing that kept me going...the fact that Jason Voorhees has never chopped up anybody while they were working on their car.


• I was invited to a coworker's birthday party (female, so I won't mention which number) and I was a little weary...because it was still Friday the 13th...and though I'm not particularly superstitious, I did see this news report on TV one late night about these kids getting chopped up near Crystal Lake because they were having a good time.


• So I went to the party & had a great time...but being my own designated driver, I only had a few Utah beers which is the equivalent of drinking a gallon of barley juice with a shot of gin. Please always have a designated driver...and if you don't have one...let the tall squinty-eyed guy with the nice car give you a ride home.


• The party was Friday the 13th themed. Everybody was given a REAL rabbit's foot, probably recycled from Utah Highway Cleanup efforts...but still really cool. There were mirrors to break, a ladder over the entryway, salt to spill, & anything else to tempt fate.


• I arrived late . I basically showed up for the 2nd half of the movie where people dance briefly to quirky 80's dance music, sit down & talk loudly, take a few more shots, then there's a little crying, and that's when $teve zones out of the conversation & looks for another barley juice.


• Good times were had by most...and most importantly, by me. Is that conceited? Maybe, but I feel that if you can't have a good time at a party, then it's your own damn fault. By the way, Julie, I'm still sorry for my hillbilly friend's brother being a jackass to you during my housewarming party. If it makes you feel any better, Karma has screwed him over via his ex-wife.


• Drove home safely.

Saturday - 7/14/07

• Woke up & finished watching the 1st Season of "Psych" and chased it with the pilot for "My Name is Earl" as I picked up around the house a tad & cleaned dishes.


• In the early afternoon, it got extremely warm again. My dad called & wanted to finish up working on my OTHER window that's been given me problems. Long story short, it still is.


• Within five minutes of calling it a day on the car, my buddy Andy (Spitsofrantic) called up & told me that he was having a Housewarming Barbeque for his new house that he's renting in North Ogden.


• I went to meet up with my brother at his house, but he was watching that damnable heretic Harry Potter in theatres. So that's when I put in my previous blog in about ten minutes time.


• I have no ill will towards Harry Potter, just so that you know. In fact, if people didn't tell me that I looked like him back when I wore glasses, then I probably would acknowledge him about as much as I acknowledge other people that I've been mistaken for...like DJ Qualls of "The New Kid." I don't really mind...because I seem to remember him getting with Eliza Dushku at the end of the movie...and I'm pretty sure that the final book coming out in a few weeks will end up with Harry hooking up with Hermione (by the way, it took me ten minutes to look up her name on the internet...that's how much I follow it)


• By the way, Monday night I'm going to watch the new Harry Potter movie with three girls. Why? Magic always turns on the ladies. Just ask Criss Angel.


• While I was enjoying an overcooked bratwurst, I wondered what the correct spelling of Bar-B-Q was. Obviously not what I just typed down...but my money was on the earlier spelling with the '-que' suffix. What do you think? Place your bets with your co-workers now.


• I had a designated driver this time (my pregnant sister-in-law) so I had a few beers, a few brats, & hung out with the crew as they passed around a bottle of Skyy Vodka, often commenting on how cool the bottle looked. I showed up a little late to this party too. I'm usually very punctual...but this weekend was a little different for some reason.


• After referring to Wikipedia (quickly putting Encyclopedia Brittanica out of business), I found that it was actually Barbecue with the '-cue' suffix.


• Went back to my brother's place & he convinced me to start a mySpace account and I tried to remember all my friend's email addresses off hand...but I had a few beers in me & had never navigated mySpace before...so I'll get the address & Friend Invites or whatever out to all of you one day. In the meantime, here's a link to MySpace. Please feel free to send me all the dirty messages & pictures that you want.


• I'm going to keep this blog though, because I can access it from work...and I like the fact that other can access it due to its lack of profanity & nudity. I take great pride in my PG-13 blog.


• I slept on his pullout sofa.....around 4 AM.

Sunday - 7/15/07 - Kiel's 24th birthday

• A lot has changed over the last year. That's usually what I think about when I have a birthday, so I'm going to lay it down for my brother too. Last year, we celebrated his birthday by going to Nickelcade, giving him presents like Otter Pops & Legos, & watching the Chipmunk Adventure, Captain Power & the Soldiers of the Future, & Back to the Future.


• This year, he now has two kids, ages 3 years & 9 months, a wife who works full-time & pregnant again, & a house payment so his priorities have shifted...slightly. He still finds time to play video games whenever possible...but the presents are more like diapers, baby food, & a check for the house payment.


• I'll tell you what though, big ups to my mom for keeping his family under a roof. God knows they wouldn't have been able to do it on their own. Everybody, could I please get a big round of applause for my mother? (ROARING APPLAUSE with occasional hooting)


• Anyway, we woke up around 11 AM and ate leftover pizza for breakfast. As usual, it was delicious & nutritious. Large Papa John's Barbecue Hawaiian Chicken Pizza for $11.99 limited time only is excellent. Papa John, if you're reading this, please send a complimentary pizza my way & I'll be sure to mention you in every blog entry.


• We went to Best Buy so that Kiel could look at all of the big screen plasma HDTVs. I kind of enjoyed it too...but I have the means to get one if I'd like...whereas he would have to ask really, really nice. Oh well, he's got a big screen. He just always wants more. It's the human condition...and not necessarily a horrible trait if used properly. Wow, I just turned looking at TVs into a comment on humanity. What the hell?


• After Ashley got off work, we went up to my mom's for my brother's birthday party. She made him a German Chocolate cake (best flavor ever) with a 24 pack of crayon candles. We talked about stuff that we usually talk about.


• On that note, my stepdad's cousin made a bet with me that she could go one full year without sexual stimulation of any sort. I explained the rules (being sadly experienced in this department) and she seemed skeptical but determined to prove to everybody that she could do it and 'regain her virginity.'


• Moments later, she mistook the word "Eulogy" for "Orgy" so I had to put $50 on her giving into sin. I'll let you know when money has exchanged hands...probably some time next week. If anybody else is interested in getting in on this 'gamble' then let me know & I'll run it past her.


• I hung out with my brother until his birthday was officially over. He conquered "Transformers the Game" and the peasants rejoiced. I then drove home listening to my "Funk Me Gently" mix and slept like a babe.

News of the Day - Location: Berlin, Germany - "Suddenly he stopped the bus," the woman named Debora C. told Bild newspaper. "He opened the door and shouted at me 'Your cleavage is distracting me every time I look into my mirror and I can't concentrate on the traffic. If you don't sit somewhere else, I'm going to have to throw you off the bus." I couldn't pick her out of the lineup in the picture though...see if you can.

Personally, if a voluptuous 20-year old German saleswoman like Debora C. were impeding my vision with her bosom, it's only polite to thank her first, then ask her to move out of the way. Not yell at her & threaten to kick her off the bus (his eyes probably never went above the neckline). I'll bet half of the gentlemen had a word or two for the bus driver...and the other half were a little bummed that they didn't notice somehow before the fiasco. However, safety is an important concern as well...as the spokeperson for the driver states...

"The bus driver is allowed to do that and he did the right thing," the spokesman said. "A bus driver cannot be distracted because it's a danger to the safety of all the passengers." What a way to go though...

Hold that thought until next time...

Jacko has competition!!!

I'm just stopping by at my brother's waiting for him to come home & I thought I'd drop this bombshell on you. At least it was kind of a surprise to me. Here's the story...

Headline: LA Church to pay $600M for Clergy Abuse

The Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles ("City of Angels") will settle it's more than FIVE HUNDRED sexual abuse cases for a combined total of somewhere between $600 & $650 MILLION dollars. That's over a million dollars per plaintiff...and there's over 500 of them. There's...something wrong with this case that I can't quite put my finger on...or really would rather not put any part of my body within ten meters of anyone involved. By the way, this is just one city. Though a major metropolis with many, many suburbs & regions...it's all within the same county. Please feel free to read more of the article for some staggering statistics & statements from the parties involved.

Question: Where is the church going to GET THIS MONEY???

Answer: Unless the church invested about seven digits in Microsoft back in the early 80's, I'm pretty sure that settlement is going to come from the good men & women that patronize this sect. Of course, I would have to think that at least 500 of the families that attend those churches would be a little less than obliged to contribute to the church when the pans are handed around come Sunday morning.

"Brothers & Sisters!!! Thank you all for coming here this morninah. (Because I see every pastor as some character from an Eddie Murphy comedy) The LORD's church has run into a little problem with the LA......the LA....the LANDLORD-ah and they need you to reach extra deep down into your pockets and giiiiivah for the LORD of the Land...and the LORD of Heaven. As I look around the congregation, I notice that not many of you have brought your children witcha...and I understand under these circumstances...and the LORD understands. These can be troubling times..." Yeah, I just don't understand how they're going to pay it all off...but I've seen Godfather III a few times...and I have a few ideas.

1) Vegas pays the debt - Gambling is no longer seen as a sin, just a way to giveth the Lord tithing...and maybe taketh a complimentary suite or seafood buffet coupons. The new Tinseltown Casino opens up in Vegas by 3rd quarter 2008 with the Pope cutting the ribbon...surrounded by girls bringing free sacramental wine & wafers.

2) Ferrari pays the debt - That whole story a few weeks ago about driving a fancy car is a sin because you're just showing off your wealth to others....revoked. Upon further review by church historians, Jesus wore Italian leather racing gloves & Mother Theresa drove a 1972 Dino 246 GT. Instead of a million dollars, they all get new F430's. Nice.

3) Macintosh pays the debt - First quarter 2008, the iPray is released offering a one-on-one connection to your local clergyman providing streaming live video...and the option of texting your favorite saint...but responses may be delayed. Please keep in mind that the lines are extremely busy. Kids can hit up Santa on his two-way during the months of November & December.

4) The More than Likely Way - The Catholic church has a strong worldwide infrastructure established & it's just going to be paid out of....well, donations & 'acquisitions' over the last two millennia. I mean...have you SEEN the Vatican??? If not, I definitely recommend it...because it makes Hugh Hefner's mansion look like a trailer after the twister came through. Not even a double-wide trailer, I'm talking about a family heirloom hand-me-down trailer. It's not even gaudy, it's GODy!!! You can miss the Sistine Chapel (a.k.a. the 16th Chapel) if you're not careful looking around at all the cool stuff. They'll probably just pull something out of the piggy bank & pay for their sins the old fashion way....with gold, frankensense, & myrrh.

Oh well, I'm think my brother's on his way home now from his movie so we can go to the barbecue (more next time). Have a groovy weekend & sorry if I depressed you a bit. I just thought that you should know in case the Media happens to miss this one...or they run it & you think it's a rerun. Hay-hay-hay...

Do You Remember This Man?

Do you remember this man? Do you remember this FACE??? This my friend...was the face of TERROR in the office place!!! Still is in my opinion...and you should fear it as well. This is the mug of one "Terrible" Terry Tate, the Office Linebacker and if you act out of line...he's there to put you back in.

Were you the bastard that took the last cup of coffee and neglected to refill the pot??? "THE PAIN TRAIN'S COMING!! CHOO CHOO!!!" You just got drilled by the 6'6", 315 pound behemoth Triple T...and rightly so. "YOU KILL THE JOE, YOU MAKE SOME MO'!!!"

In reality, "Terrible" Terry Tate is actually portrayed by Lester "Rasta" Speight, who starred in this series of Reebok commercials a few years back, premiering during Super Bowl XXXVII (The Gruden Bowl). Before these commercials, he did play American football (the better version, Jessica) at Morgan State University & the Baltimore Stars of the USFL in the early to mid 80's. Then he went into wrestling as "Rasta the Voodoo Man" for a while due to his massive build & explosive personality!!! Later on, he decided to move into acting on show such as Malcolm in the Middle, Arli$$, & My Wife & Kids and movies such "The Replacements" & "Malibu's Most Wanted". The latest thing that you've probably seen him in is Eddie Murphy's latest movie "Norbit" as one of Norbit's brothers-in-law. It's a good flick. Check it out.

For more information on everybody's favorite guilty pleasure enforcer of violent workplace justice, visit his website, it has a pretty good soundtrack to it.

So whenever you're having a bad day at the office...and some jackass is making you feel like you've made a mistake...just stare imagine them getting spearheaded by your friendly neighborhood asswhooping linebacker. Oh...and one final thing before I leave you for the weekend...

"WOOOO!!!"

Love is in the Air...Way Up There

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen, Dr. Love have great news in the world of Love,


Love News Update - The world's tallest man Bao Xishun of China was married today in a traditional Mongolian ceremony. Bao is a 7'9" 56-year old herdsmen from China's Inner Mongolia region, but due to his age, his possible NBA stardom days have long since passed. He's still a hero though. Last December he saved the lives of two dolphins by reaching down their throats & removing plastic that they had swallowed. He married a lovely 5'6" 29-year old saleswoman named Xia Shujian in the traditional Mongolian style - Carried by camels on the back of a mobile yurt at the Genghis Khan holiday resort. Afterwards, there was a great after-party sponsored by the Inner Mongolian government, various shoe companies, & there was chugging for the groom's massive boots and much plundering of nearby villages...as dictated by tradition.


World News Update - In Baghdad, thieves stole over $300 million US from a bank. They have no suspects as of yet...but I have a few. Let's go over some of the evidence. $300 million is a lot of money...at least more than one suitcase...if I remember my bank robbery movies. That's a lot of foldin' money. What kind of vehicle would you need over there to move that kind of cash? Oh, I don't know, how about a TANK??? Do you think that might work??? It's not that I don't understand why it would be done. I mean...wars do cost a lot of money. I consider more like Uncle Sam having a cashback bonus on their credit with purchasing so much oil from the region over the last century or so. Just admit it, that's all I'm asking.


On a personal note, I was born on the day of the largest U.S. bank robbery on record. I've also often thought about robbing a bank. Don't lie. You've thought about it too. In fact, my brother & I have a little game that we do whenever we walk into a credit union or bank or other secured establishment. While we're waiting, we'll casually glance around the facilities & whisper to eachother how we would 'rob this mother lover blind' as Loc Dogg would say (brownie points for reference). The only reason that we haven't gone through with it honestly...is that we would be caught. How do we know this? We're both in the top percentile of human height. It's very easy to pick us out of a lineup. Also finding a reliable wheelman is hard to find...and our cars are pretty shady at times too...oh, and we don't like the idea of prison one bit. So to avoid a final Heat-style old school shootout, we have yet to execute on our plans. I think that we've all had thought of going out in a blaze or glory, Young Guns final showdown against trained professionals & ninjas. Maybe it's just me, I don't know. What do you think? Just a little tid-bit that you might like to know about me. Enjoy!!!


Entertainment News of the Day - James Douglas Morrison is still in the news over 36 years after his death in Paris on July 3, 1971. In a new book, former Parisian nightclub owner Sam Bernett claims that Jim Morrison died on the toilet in his nightclub from a heroin overdose. Officially, it was reported that he died of heart failure in his bathtub at the age of 27. Now, Mr. Morrison was not the model of perfect health, despite having the model look, but it's been long suspected that there was more to his death than his motor running out while chilling in the tub. What does this claim mean to the legacy of Jim Morrison? Absolutely nothing. Why do I mention it? Because I have many of my own ill-educated conspiracies on how rock stars have perished over the years...and that a few may be still alive living it up on a small island in the South Pacific. Would you like to hear some of them? Good. Here are a few...


Conspiracies of the CENTURY


Elvis Presley - Officially, he is said to have died of Cardiac Arrhythmia on August 16, 1977 while on the toilet. Personally, I think it's much more complicated & HORRIFYING than that. Sure, Elvis was again not a perfectly healthy individual, but you can't blame a man for loving his grilled peanut butter & banana sandwiches. I think that there was a certain artist that was breaking from his band & going solo about that time...who was introduced to Mr. Presley, his wife Priscilla (still a hottie), and his young daughter Lisa Marie...and that is where the seed of MURDER was planted. This artist saw little Lisa (then about 7-8 years old) & fell madly in love with her...being a young man himself but twice her age. He had to have her. He may have even mentioned it to Elvis...but the King was not pleased with him at all. It was at this alleged confrontation that the mystery artist vowed that HE would become the new King & he would marry his daughter...with or without Elvis' concent. From this point, the evidence gets sketchy at best due to the cover-up by record executives during the early 80's but long story short...Elvis was POISONED as he enjoyed his morning flapjacks, felt very ill, & died on the Thomas Crapper because of his violent bowel movements rupturing his insides. A sad & gory scene, I know...but the truth must be told...and the murderer must be put behind bars. Who is this artist, you ask??? Well, if you haven't pieced it together yet...I shouldn't really tell you...but I'll give you a hint. He kept his promise to Elvis about becoming the new King & marrying his daughter. I can only hope that you know who I'm speaking of now.


Tupac Shakur & Notorious B.I.G. (Christopher Wallace) - Now, I know what you may be thinking. There are a lot of conspiracies out there that the government killed these two influential rappers. Personally, I can't see Bill Clinton hating on fellow playas like that. Officially, they both died in separate shootings & it's strongly believed (because there has been little to no investigation into the cases) that the shooters were from the other side's posse. East Coast / West Coast tensions were reaching the point of East Bank / West Bank relations over in the Middle East. (Yes, I know there's not an East Bank there, but please...stay with me) Tupac had mentioned among other things that he was a big fan of the works of 15th century philosopher Niccolo Machiavelli, including having a misspelled album of the same name & referring to him several times in his rap recordings. Machiavelli is most famous for his book "The Prince" as a theory of the best way for a ruler to retain control over his/her empire among other notions of government & establishment based on his research. One notion mentioned in his work was the faking of one's death...which I believe was to avoid one's persecution if their kingdom was ever overthrown (I'm not sure, it's been a while since I read his works). Anyway, here's my theory.


2Pac was enjoying his mega-celebrity lifestyle...but not at the cost of gang violence that was steadily rising due to his promotional marketing techniques because of his beef with Biggie. That's right, I said it was all a chirade. There was no beef between Tupac & Chris Wallace. They were buddies that moved up together. Did Tupac get with Faith Hill, Biggie's wife? I'm pretty sure...but I wasn't there. That can cause harsh feelings (believe me) but it promoted both record labels & various albums because there was that one song that they were talking about the other & all that mess. It was all marketing for one another. It's like a musical version of the WWF (wrestling, not the Panda society). Anyway, 2Pac was living it up...but wanted to put an end to all of the craziness...by doing the Machiavellian thing...and faking his own death. He gets in a tussle at the Mike Tyson fight in Vegas in full view of casino cameras strategically placed EVERYWHERE. He drives off with his friends, drive-by, and he's then rushed to the hospital, pronounced dead shortly after. However, I think that he may be living it up on that mysterious island in the South Pacific with a few other celebrities to be named in later conspiracy theories.


What of Biggie? He's unaware of his buddy Tupac's planned escape from stardom. So after Tupac's death, due to media hype, the blame is placed on him & his crew in a guilty before proven innocent scenario...even though the people involved in the tussle in Vegas could have been ANYBODY (again little to no investigation). He's stressed to the max because he has no idea who killed his friend...but all the blame is put on him, not from the police, but from the streets. Because like my buddy Carlito told me, "The Streets is always watching." Anyway, several months later, another random gun attack while he's rolling around in his car...and Mr. Wallace is killed in retaliation for the murder of 2Pac that may or may not have actually happened. Again, this is just my theory...but I thought I would share it. Regardless of what really happened, I just hope that SOMETHING is found out about it & the killers are brought to justice.


Gosh, all this talk about death is depressing me a bit. I apologize. Let's leave this blog entry on a positive note, shall we. Since I watched a wonderful Easter episode of South Park last night, here's a picture of my lovely niece Kairi as an Easter Bunny. Enjoy!!!