There's a Chance!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Today is a BIG day!!! However, I'm going to save the best for last…and it involves my dating life…sort of. First off, Movie Night was a smashing success…in that a movie was watched ("Mr. Brooks") by the lovely Bubbles & myself and a good time and alcoholic beverages were had…despite Box Girl standing me up. Now, granted last night it did snow a bit…and as is ritual people drive like crap with the first snow of the year. It's like they forget over the course of six months that stuff falls from the sky and it isn't ash from Mount Vesuvius. She didn't even call or send a text message though…which leads me to the following possibilities.

• She has been abducted by aliens and is probably being probed as we speak…which was kind of my plan…but those bastards stole it.


• She is a little slow (can be confirmed) and thinks that it's tonight…so she may show up at ten o'clock tonight…which would be super cool.


• She's completely outside of her mind and not interested in watching a movie with me for some reason. I know, I know. It's the least likely of these three scenarios (yes, less likely than the alien abduction…check the stats) but it's a possibility. Anyway, here's the news…
  

They give an Award for that? - Author Norman Mailer died last month from renal failure at the tender age of 84…but not before releasing his final masterpiece, "The Castle in the Forest." This "great American man of letters" poured his soul into this story…and has now received an award for his efforts and literary contribution to society by the Literary Review Magazine. The award…is the annual Bad Sex in Fiction Award…for his book is a fictionalized exploration of Hitler's family (primarily his parents) as narrated by a demon…and is an explicit rendition of the incestuous encounter between the genocidal former German dictator's parents. Wow. I have to get a copy of this book now. If I had any idea that an award like this was given out, I would finish one of my literary works instead of focusing on my movies. What? They give awards for this in MOVIES TOO??? Finally, I can show the world my certainly now Award-winning story involving pandas, mayonnaise, and a former dictator entitled, "Sensual Saddamy" rated R for really, really disturbing stuff. Yeah, that's twisted…but read the article for more disturbing ideas that actually happened last year…including multiple nominee David Thewlis (Remus Lupin in the Harry Potter movies). Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some movies to make.

The Worst Trap Ever - The Florida Highway Patrol (David Caruso was in talks to costar with Erik Estrada in FHiPs…but because of the writer's strike…) says anyone missing two Hefty garbage bags full of marijuana can call their Tampa office. A highway cleanup crew found the garbage bags totaling 60 pounds of the stickiest of the icky (it had rained earlier in the day) and it's street value (I guess in Tampa's economy) is about $54,000 ($900 per pound). Somewhere, probably in Naples, two fairly famous actors are waking up from an all-night bender, walk outside, and ask each other, "Dude, where's my pot?" "Where's your pot, dude?" Oh how sweet karmic justice is Ashton Kutcher!!! You punk me in my dreams…and then you lose your harvest.

Panda Update - Remember the lovely panda cub born about three months ago at the San Diego Zoo? Well, it's been 100 days…and in accordance with both Chinese tradition and suggestions from zoo visitors, they have decided on a name for the new cub…and it is "Precious" or Zhen Zhen. An overwhelming 36% of the vote went to Zhen Zhen out of the final four names selected (kind of like Election 2008). The other names in the vote were Li Hua (Beautiful China), Ming Zhu (Bright Treasure), and Xiao Li (Little Beauty). My suggestion of Ling Ling ("Towering Mountain" and Drawn Together character) was apparently eliminated in the Elite Eight. Congratulations Precious!!! Happy Naming Day!!! I've always wanted to name my daughter that (but for now, she'll just be the female lead in my movie script).

Kanye West Still Pickin' Fights - Is it just me or does Kanye West keep trying to pick fights? First, he attacked those who doubted his musical skills growing up, then he assaulted the English language (some rhymes are a bit of stretch…even for me), then he challenged the Grammy Awards (and just about every other awards show that 'snubs' him…and there are many), then he got in a spat with his mentor Jay-Z…probably over top billing or something, then he and 50 Cent had their highly-publicized (emphasis on publicity) battle over album releases, now he's suing his mother's plastic surgeon. Well, at least one of his disputes is over and done with. He and 69-year old motorcycle stuntman Evel Knievel have settled their royalties dispute over Knievel's trademark image being used in Kanye's "Touch the Sky" video. It's a small step for 'Ye…one giant leap over the Snake River Canyon for Knievel. Meeting that guy would be like meeting Hugh Hefner to me. Maybe I should slightly slander his image so that I can get a photo-op with him as we settle for a few drinks and a lapdance at a weekend in Vegas. Here's my attempt…

Even looking at this advertisement...I can't attack you...

You're Evel "F**king" Knievel!!!

Personal Knowledge of the Day - Last night, somebody asked me "$teve, what does it mean to be Ridin' Dirty?" Having the complexion of a cracker, I had no idea. However, I researched it…and we found that apparently, to be "Ridin' Dirty" means that you are driving around in your preferred medium of transportation while having illegal contraband on your person…or within the contents of your vehicle…thus creating a very awkward situation when/if you are confronted by law enforcement officials. Just a little FYI if there are other people out there like me. No need to thank me, just pay it forward.

Now…for the BIG news!!! - Ladies & Gentlemen, as you may now from reading my blog…I don't know…EVER, I have a certain…let's say lust filled affection towards Brazilian supermodel Adriana Lima. Now, sure I know that if we were ever to meet, my awkward social charms and pure raw sexual energy that emits from both my hands and speech hole would certainly win her over eventually…but physically, there's a slim possibility that she may just not be interested in me (maybe she likes pretty boys instead of manly men). However, there is incredible news that makes me think…there's really a plausible chance of her being sexually attracted to me if/when we ever met…and here's why.

Her current boyfriend is none other than NBA role player for the Minnesota Timberwolves, Marko Jaric. Never heard of him? Don't feel too bad. I follow basketball around the world and barely know him. He's the gentleman pictured on the left...and yes, he looks like that ALL the time. THIS guy...is going out with this girl. Amazing. I've always thought he was a pretty good all-around player…but I had no idea this playa could pull off even a pity date with Adriana Lima…but it's reassuring to me…and here's why.

Marko: 6'7", 225 pound basketball player
$teve: 6'8", 230 pound basketball player
Adriana: I think she would appreciate the extra inch or so all around
Advantage: $teve

Marko: Manly Man of Serbian descent with funny accent
$teve: Manly Man of Czechoslovakian descent who can do many funny accents
Adriana: She likes Eastern European men
Advantage: Draw

Marko: Stupid search engine that may have no affiliation to him
$teve: Popular web-based journal dedicated to Peace, Love, & Lima
Adriana: I think she'd like somebody with a sense of humor
Advantage: $teve

Marko: Apparently, doesn't use a razor because of his resentment for American products (Basketball was invented by a Canadian)
$teve: So fresh, so clean…but the Devil's facial hair can make a return if requested…and I strongly support Stephen Colbert & his new book "I Am America (And So Can You)"
Adriana: Wants somebody who can tickle her with or without the facial hair…and love the country that made her an international celebrity
Advantage: $teve

Marko: Currently a mediocre NBA player that makes $6 million per year
$teve: Currently an SLC playa who hustles his way across the globe on about $40,000 per year
Adriana: She's already rich. I think she's looking for a romantic guy who can take her around the world (like she hasn't already been there), show her a good time, share a lot of laughs, then bow chicka bow wow to help her work off those pounds from dinner…and dessert. Money is overrated.
Advantage: $teve as Dr. Love - The guy who doesn't have to stay in Minnesota for eight months to play basketball.

Marko: Has trouble putting his clothes on
$teve: Doesn't even bother with clothes unless he's at work (company policy) but always looks crisp
Adriana: Used to wearing as little as possible…but wants somebody to keep her warm
Advantage: $teve

Marko: Worships false idols…like NBA referees that look like Satan
$teve: Worships Adriana Lima and Pandas, both holy entities
Adriana: Looking for a man who has a good moral foundation and is willing to learn Portuguese at the MTC for her
Advantage: $teve

Final Verdict: I need to crash a Timberwolves game or a runway in Milan or something so that Adriana doesn't sell herself short on this Marko Jaric guy. Maybe we'll meet in Dallas. Do the Wolves play the Mavericks soon? HOLY CRAP!!! THEY DO TONIGHT!!! See ya on Monday…I wonder if Marko's taking her to the BEST FOOTBALL GAME OF THE YEAR!!! No? Advantage: $teve

Adriana, let me know what you think. Wait, who's that signaling me at the airport???

SCHWING!!!