Love is in the Air...Way Up There

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen, Dr. Love have great news in the world of Love,


Love News Update - The world's tallest man Bao Xishun of China was married today in a traditional Mongolian ceremony. Bao is a 7'9" 56-year old herdsmen from China's Inner Mongolia region, but due to his age, his possible NBA stardom days have long since passed. He's still a hero though. Last December he saved the lives of two dolphins by reaching down their throats & removing plastic that they had swallowed. He married a lovely 5'6" 29-year old saleswoman named Xia Shujian in the traditional Mongolian style - Carried by camels on the back of a mobile yurt at the Genghis Khan holiday resort. Afterwards, there was a great after-party sponsored by the Inner Mongolian government, various shoe companies, & there was chugging for the groom's massive boots and much plundering of nearby villages...as dictated by tradition.


World News Update - In Baghdad, thieves stole over $300 million US from a bank. They have no suspects as of yet...but I have a few. Let's go over some of the evidence. $300 million is a lot of money...at least more than one suitcase...if I remember my bank robbery movies. That's a lot of foldin' money. What kind of vehicle would you need over there to move that kind of cash? Oh, I don't know, how about a TANK??? Do you think that might work??? It's not that I don't understand why it would be done. I mean...wars do cost a lot of money. I consider more like Uncle Sam having a cashback bonus on their credit with purchasing so much oil from the region over the last century or so. Just admit it, that's all I'm asking.


On a personal note, I was born on the day of the largest U.S. bank robbery on record. I've also often thought about robbing a bank. Don't lie. You've thought about it too. In fact, my brother & I have a little game that we do whenever we walk into a credit union or bank or other secured establishment. While we're waiting, we'll casually glance around the facilities & whisper to eachother how we would 'rob this mother lover blind' as Loc Dogg would say (brownie points for reference). The only reason that we haven't gone through with it honestly...is that we would be caught. How do we know this? We're both in the top percentile of human height. It's very easy to pick us out of a lineup. Also finding a reliable wheelman is hard to find...and our cars are pretty shady at times too...oh, and we don't like the idea of prison one bit. So to avoid a final Heat-style old school shootout, we have yet to execute on our plans. I think that we've all had thought of going out in a blaze or glory, Young Guns final showdown against trained professionals & ninjas. Maybe it's just me, I don't know. What do you think? Just a little tid-bit that you might like to know about me. Enjoy!!!


Entertainment News of the Day - James Douglas Morrison is still in the news over 36 years after his death in Paris on July 3, 1971. In a new book, former Parisian nightclub owner Sam Bernett claims that Jim Morrison died on the toilet in his nightclub from a heroin overdose. Officially, it was reported that he died of heart failure in his bathtub at the age of 27. Now, Mr. Morrison was not the model of perfect health, despite having the model look, but it's been long suspected that there was more to his death than his motor running out while chilling in the tub. What does this claim mean to the legacy of Jim Morrison? Absolutely nothing. Why do I mention it? Because I have many of my own ill-educated conspiracies on how rock stars have perished over the years...and that a few may be still alive living it up on a small island in the South Pacific. Would you like to hear some of them? Good. Here are a few...


Conspiracies of the CENTURY


Elvis Presley - Officially, he is said to have died of Cardiac Arrhythmia on August 16, 1977 while on the toilet. Personally, I think it's much more complicated & HORRIFYING than that. Sure, Elvis was again not a perfectly healthy individual, but you can't blame a man for loving his grilled peanut butter & banana sandwiches. I think that there was a certain artist that was breaking from his band & going solo about that time...who was introduced to Mr. Presley, his wife Priscilla (still a hottie), and his young daughter Lisa Marie...and that is where the seed of MURDER was planted. This artist saw little Lisa (then about 7-8 years old) & fell madly in love with her...being a young man himself but twice her age. He had to have her. He may have even mentioned it to Elvis...but the King was not pleased with him at all. It was at this alleged confrontation that the mystery artist vowed that HE would become the new King & he would marry his daughter...with or without Elvis' concent. From this point, the evidence gets sketchy at best due to the cover-up by record executives during the early 80's but long story short...Elvis was POISONED as he enjoyed his morning flapjacks, felt very ill, & died on the Thomas Crapper because of his violent bowel movements rupturing his insides. A sad & gory scene, I know...but the truth must be told...and the murderer must be put behind bars. Who is this artist, you ask??? Well, if you haven't pieced it together yet...I shouldn't really tell you...but I'll give you a hint. He kept his promise to Elvis about becoming the new King & marrying his daughter. I can only hope that you know who I'm speaking of now.


Tupac Shakur & Notorious B.I.G. (Christopher Wallace) - Now, I know what you may be thinking. There are a lot of conspiracies out there that the government killed these two influential rappers. Personally, I can't see Bill Clinton hating on fellow playas like that. Officially, they both died in separate shootings & it's strongly believed (because there has been little to no investigation into the cases) that the shooters were from the other side's posse. East Coast / West Coast tensions were reaching the point of East Bank / West Bank relations over in the Middle East. (Yes, I know there's not an East Bank there, but please...stay with me) Tupac had mentioned among other things that he was a big fan of the works of 15th century philosopher Niccolo Machiavelli, including having a misspelled album of the same name & referring to him several times in his rap recordings. Machiavelli is most famous for his book "The Prince" as a theory of the best way for a ruler to retain control over his/her empire among other notions of government & establishment based on his research. One notion mentioned in his work was the faking of one's death...which I believe was to avoid one's persecution if their kingdom was ever overthrown (I'm not sure, it's been a while since I read his works). Anyway, here's my theory.


2Pac was enjoying his mega-celebrity lifestyle...but not at the cost of gang violence that was steadily rising due to his promotional marketing techniques because of his beef with Biggie. That's right, I said it was all a chirade. There was no beef between Tupac & Chris Wallace. They were buddies that moved up together. Did Tupac get with Faith Hill, Biggie's wife? I'm pretty sure...but I wasn't there. That can cause harsh feelings (believe me) but it promoted both record labels & various albums because there was that one song that they were talking about the other & all that mess. It was all marketing for one another. It's like a musical version of the WWF (wrestling, not the Panda society). Anyway, 2Pac was living it up...but wanted to put an end to all of the craziness...by doing the Machiavellian thing...and faking his own death. He gets in a tussle at the Mike Tyson fight in Vegas in full view of casino cameras strategically placed EVERYWHERE. He drives off with his friends, drive-by, and he's then rushed to the hospital, pronounced dead shortly after. However, I think that he may be living it up on that mysterious island in the South Pacific with a few other celebrities to be named in later conspiracy theories.


What of Biggie? He's unaware of his buddy Tupac's planned escape from stardom. So after Tupac's death, due to media hype, the blame is placed on him & his crew in a guilty before proven innocent scenario...even though the people involved in the tussle in Vegas could have been ANYBODY (again little to no investigation). He's stressed to the max because he has no idea who killed his friend...but all the blame is put on him, not from the police, but from the streets. Because like my buddy Carlito told me, "The Streets is always watching." Anyway, several months later, another random gun attack while he's rolling around in his car...and Mr. Wallace is killed in retaliation for the murder of 2Pac that may or may not have actually happened. Again, this is just my theory...but I thought I would share it. Regardless of what really happened, I just hope that SOMETHING is found out about it & the killers are brought to justice.


Gosh, all this talk about death is depressing me a bit. I apologize. Let's leave this blog entry on a positive note, shall we. Since I watched a wonderful Easter episode of South Park last night, here's a picture of my lovely niece Kairi as an Easter Bunny. Enjoy!!!

Nom de Plume

Good Afternoon Everyone, here's a little present from Yahoo! News:


A Houston woman named Kristen Syvette Wimberly (25) is suing former high school classmate Lara Madden (also 25) who used her name and starred in a dozen pornographic movies in 2004. They met in 9th grade and were friends...but eventually parted ways due to 'conflict' as most high school relationships do...allegedly. Personally, I'm curious what the 'conflict' was...but some things are personal...even in the world of blog. Here are some things about this case that I personally like.

• First off, what a way to get back at somebody. I mean...think about it. Let's say, for example, they parted ways due to one stealing the other's boyfriend or something. Sure, the cheated party could have caused a huge scene & treacherous scheme climaxing in a cat-scratching conflict at the flagpole at 3 o'clock...and that would have been really hot...but would anything REALLY be solved? Of course not.


• Star in a few pornographic films (low-budget but quality work, by the way) under her name so that a few years down the road, this happens...and it actually did in this case. She's sitting at home and there's a phone call. "Hello?" "Hi, Kristen? It's me, Jack. I ugh...I was just watching a movie that ugh...that I found in my son's room and...I ugh...were you ever in...show business?" "No. I was in a high school play but..." "How about porn?" "What?" "Not that it's a bad thing, I ugh...I was just wondering if you ugh...you still...ugh swing...or know people who did." Awkward, right?


• Lara, Ms. Madden if you're nasty, claims that she chose the name because of the way it sounded...and I'll admit that Syvette Wimberly is an intriguing name...but Lara Madden is pretty good too.


• Ms. Wimberly's attorney says that the purpose of the suit isn't for money...but just to stop using the name. Note: The name hasn't been used since 2004...and they can't exactly take it off past copies...so what now? Oh yeah...money.


• Ms. Madden's attorney said, "They'll never get a penny from her. She doesn't have any money, for one thing, but even if she did this suit will never hold up in court." Allow me to repeat something. Her ATTORNEY says that she doesn't have any money. How exactly is he getting paid then? OH MY GOD!!! I just found my calling a few years too late. Pro Bono Lawyer for Porn Starlets. I'm going to find my high school guidance counselor & kick his ass. He wanted me to go into Engineering. Bastard...


• Also, the suit WILL more than likely hold up in court...because this is America. We're the country that awarded several million dollars to a lady who spilled hot coffee in her lap in a drive-thru at McDonald's. Any lawsuit involving anything pornographic will see at least ONE courtroom.


• Heck, if Lara Madden were the niece of John Madden, it'd be on Sportscenter more than Barry Bonds...and no one would complain.

The Proper Way to Pick a Porn Name - For those of you who are not aware of the proper method of choosing a name for your pornographic adventures, allow me to pass this knowledge onto you, so that you don't run into this situation in a few years due to identity theft or copyright infringement allegations. There are two very simple steps:

1. Your first name is the name of your childhood pet (dog, cat, llama, fish, panda, it doesn't really matter)


2. Your last name is the name of the street that you grew up on (or pending that it's a numbered street, the name of the other street at the closest corner)

For example - I had a cocker spaniel that came into my family a few weeks after I did named Bogi. I grew up near the intersection of 26th & Harrison. Therefore, my porn name would be Bogi Harrison, which has a nice ring to it. It's no Dr. Mookie Love...but still pretty good...and keeping with the proper method is essential. So far, I think my dad has the coolest that I've heard...and it's King Cherry.

Please let me know what your name would be & the winner gets to star in my next movie. That's right. There's a prize incentive being used. Be the first to take advantage of the offer. Whattaya say???

Over the years, many great authors, actresses, & other people have gone by pen names, stage names, aliases, secret identities, or whatever to hide the truth...and celebrity status that may come with it. Among them are Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens), Nora Roberts, J.L. Clyde, C.S. Lewis, Lewis Carroll (Charles Dodgson), J.K. Rowling, Joseph Conrad (Jozef Teodor Konrad Korzeniowski), and my personal favorite Freddy Mercury (Farrokh Bulsara).

This may come as a shock to you...but the author of this blog does not bear the name $teve or Dr. Mookie Tockenbaut Love on his driver's license. Please let me continue. My identity must be kept a secret...for the Truth would be too horrifying. I'll give you a tease though. I'm the world's first non-profit gigolo astronaut cowboy...and my real name is Steven...with a V...for Vendetta, I guess. How did I come to the name Dr. Mookie Love?

Well, I've always like the name "Mookie" since I was a kid because of Daron Oshay Blaylock a.k.a. "Mookie" Blaylock of NBA fame. Check him out in Wikipedia or something if you've never heard of him. I believe he's still the only player to have a quadruple-double where the 4th double digit statistic was steals. I've thought about naming a male child Mookie...but I've heard that it would already give him bad credit. He inspired Eddie Vedder too. Weird, huh? By the way, I've never seen "Do the Right Thing" but apparently Spike Lee's character is named it too. Pure coincidence. Love is just a nice thing to say & do...and everybody wants a title like Doctor or Captain or His Lord Grace Chancellor or something...but Doctor is so popular that nobody will check your credentials without proper motivation.

Now, I will leave you with a Motivation Message that I was told the other day...but thought the picture was a little off. Tell me which one you prefer.

The message is "Lead!!! - Others Will Follow"

A) Be a Leader & others will follow you toward something beautiful

B) Be a Leader & others will follow you no matter where you're going

C) Definite pronounciation of Lead...but if they're smart, they'll still follow you

What a Groovy Weekend!!!

Friday - Not the coolest day ever...but I did get a lot of stuff done.

• In the morning, I went to Blockbuster & traded my Total Access mail-order movies for "Dead Silence" & "Lost In Translation."


• "Dead Silence" was from the writer & director of the original "Saw" movie...but was about a ventriloquist doll named Billy & the ghost of his maker killing people. I don't know what it is about horror movies about ghosts...but it's like my buddy Ray Parker, jr. says...I ain't afraid of no ghost.


• The key to a great presentation is to start off by grabbing the audience's attention in the first minute & not letting go...no matter how boring the material may be. That is why "Lost in Translation" starts out with a beautiful shot of Scarlett Johannsen's ass...butt continues for another two hours. Though still a pretty good, yet slow movie...you can't really top that ass...unless you're really, really lucky.




• By the way, that 'butt' was not a typo...more of a Freudian slip. Honestly though, she is a talented actress...but probably too hot to be recognized for it. Oh well, it could be worse.


• Back to the checklist, I picked up some parts for my Buick's windows as well. More on that for Sunday.


• If you ever want to turn your house/apartment into a wonderful sauna atmosphere, I would recommend spending the early afternoon of a hundred-degree day doing laundry, cleaning dishes, scrubbing the bathroom with bleach, and your swamp cooler is...subpar, so only a stagnant breeze moves air through your dwelling.


• I woke up several hours later (probably from bleach buzz) & watched "Dead Silence". In case you were wondering, I was alone. During the scary parts, I had no choice but to hold myself. I felt safe...but luckily it wasn't that scary.

Saturday - 7/7/7 - Lucky Day

• Morning involved more laundry...and I made myself some pancakes with coconut syrup...because I was in the mood for some flapjacks. If I were to have one fetish (that I would admit to) it would be for pancakes with syrup...but no butter. I like the idea of IHOP for a first date...because sure, friends have lunch...but lovers have breakfast.


• Watched some episodes from the 1st season of the USA series "Psych" about a fake psychic private detective starring James Roday & Dule Hill. It's hilarious. I particularly enjoyed the Spelling Bee episode. "Spell...banana." "Could you repeat that?" "Ba-na-na." "Can you use that in a sentence?" "Banana. Anna Banana wanted to hear 'Venus' by Bananarama. Banana."


• My good friends were married on this Lucky Day. There's only one pair of people out there that could make me turn down an invitation to another wedding in France for Tony Parker & Eva Longoria...and that is my Wingman & his Brown Bear. Frankly, it was the most casual wedding ever...and among the most enjoyable that I've attended.

What's with the black eye? Was somebody having last minute jitters? No, actually there's a much more unusual & funny story associated with that wound than butterflies in the stomach. Don't worry Wingman. You shall be avenged!!!

Wait, you wanted to hear the story. I will have to get permission...or perhaps the Wingman could leave a comment telling it in detail...since I would likely exaggerate it beyond the point of recognition.

• Here's me trying to get the Kiss...but this is what came out. I'm sorry, it doesn't handle movement very well. They're cute kids.


• After the ceremony (which lasted exactly five minutes & seven seconds on my stopwatch), we enjoyed barbecue chicken & high-point Coronas. I love weddings.


• After the wedding, there was a surprise party being held for my Uncle Doug's 35th birthday at Barbary Coast. There were a few dozen family members there including my grandma, who's such a sweetheart. That's why I'm going on a cruise of the Meditteranean with her in November. More to come...


• I have no reservations in saying that I was DEFINITELY the best looking guy in the bar. It's not saying much...but it's saying something. For those who don't know, Barbary Coast is a biker bar...and to find somebody under 40 and/or 200 is a good night.


• My cousin Ranae was there...and it surprises how much we're alike sometimes. We're both 26 years old, tall & gangly, fairly good-looking but always seem to be single, funny, college educated, and we're often mistaken for brother & sister (not just when she's had a little too much to drink & needs a 'big brother' to protect her from bikers).


• Anyway, most of us got pretty intoxicated, danced around to a rock cover band, & my aunt Faye dropped me off at my place...and I slept like a baby after drinking a bottle of water to sway the future headache a bit. It worked for the most part.

Sunday - Day of Unrest

• Cold Showers - I had never really taken one before. I hear that many gentlemen out there take them during times of sexual frustration. The fact that I've never taken a cold shower does not imply that I haven't experienced my share of frustration. Personally, I do a few push-ups, deep breathing & think about baseball. It does the trick.


• However, this particular morning, I felt extremely warm (hungover) & needed some motivation to wake up. This is when I take Cold Showers. It did the trick.


• I had a few slices of bread for breakfast. They stayed down. I don't like puking at all. Luckily, I didn't have to experience it this weekend. See? Watered-down Utah beer IS good for something.


• I went to my dad's to fix the windows on my Buick. They had returned from their anniversary road trip to Yellowstone & Jackson, Wyoming. They claim that the best pizza place in the world is Wild West Pizza and is located in West Yellowstone. We shall see.


• We only got to work on my window where the motor appeared to be out...but the new motor wasn't working either despite getting power to it...so long story short, we adjusted my window so it's closed & won't move until further inspection can be done.


• I didn't realize this until I was exhausted & sweaty in the backseat of my Buick working on my door...but I have yet to steam up the windows of an automobile in a sexual manner. Why did I just type that out? Just seeing if you're paying attention.


• The seats are luxurious sofas. I almost dozed off several times...but that may have had to do with the heat & party the night before too.


• During our breaks to cool down, we watched "Back to the Future" on HBO. Is there a better PG movie out there? I think not. Let me know if you feel differently.


• In the evening, I finally had an opportunity to eat real food - a thin steak & pasta salad.


• My brother & sister-in-law stopped by my dad's with my niece Kairi. She's still cute. I know that you guys are waiting for the day that I tell you that she's no longer cute & the only reason that we keep her is because we're sentimentally attached or she can find her way home.


• Family Guy was hilarious in a dirty way as always.

Monday - A Big Day for Celebrity birthdays

• Tom Hanks (51) - Who was the other guy on "Bosom Buddies"?


• Chris Cooper (56) - "Breach" - Underrated character actor


• Kelly McGillis (50) - "Top Gun" - Yes, it has been that long


• Fred Savage (31) - "Wonder Years" - I hope that I didn't peak at age 14


• Courtney Love (43) - Why hasn't she died yet?


• Brian Dennehy (69) - I just like the number
• O.J. Simpson (60) - "Naked Gun" - I think he played football too
• Nicola Tesla (151) - He doesn't look a day over 40


• Richard Roundtree (65) - Who's the black private dick who's the sex machine to all the chicks? Damn right...and good night...

Independence Day Theatrics

Happy Independence Week!!!

A lot of the great American pasttimes are celebrated during this time of year. Baseball games are played in the scorching heat while spectators enjoy cold flat beer, salted peanuts, & hot dogs floating in relish & various condiments. Children catch candy thrown at them by complete strangers riding a paper mache ship reading "Seaside High Seamen ROCK!!!" as preteens in short skirts do backflips & scream the same catchy slogan. However, those activities are too early and/or too hot usually for my tastes...especially not getting to sleep until 3 AM the night before (thanks bro). So with that in mind, I went to another holiday tradition...seeing a great action movie...this year, it was a 10 AM showing of "Transformers the Movie" with my brother & sister-in-law...but first, allow to reminisce about past movies.


It seems like just over a decade ago when I celebrated my first weekend as a working man by going to my local drive-in & watching "Independence Day" starring Bill "Lonestar" Pullman, the Fresh Prince & Harry Connick, jr. I was mildly surprised at first when I realized that it wasn't a musical but quickly became intrigued (Vivica Fox stripping) when the action hit the screen. It was a great memory for me...because it was a great movie, watched with my family, in the outdoors, and I felt like a Man...who just couldn't drive a car legally quite yet. Other summer blockbusters have come & gone over the years (mostly Marvel Comics brought to life) but that movie always seemed to stick with me. It has everything - rousing speechs, love stories, explosions, aliens, one-liners, space travel, secret military bases, anything that a great action movie needs. Now there's another movie that joins its ranks...


"Transformers" is without a doubt the coolest, most action-packed, entertaining car commercial of all time. It's even a pretty great movie too...especially based on the material. Michael Bay comes through (still not forgiven for "Pearl Harbor" but still...kudos). As far as my claim as the greatest car commercial, I only say that because they introduce the new lineup of GMC/Chevrolet vehicles...and I'm very excited that they're FINALLY bringing back the Camaro. They also had several other models like the Pontiac Solstice & GMC Yukon. Somebody paid a lot of money to finance this project...but I still enjoyed it emensely. Bills have to be paid. The special effects were amazing...in particular a chase scene on the freeway & the final battle. The movie's also loaded with a lot of little jokes & references for both new people to the material & avid cartoon nerds like myself.


By the way, it may just be me...but I think that the young girl in this movie (Megan Fox) may be a big star some day. It may just be her eyes hypnotizing me or something...but just keep an eye on her. Also, if you've watched the movie...and couldn't place the voice of Megatron...it's Hugo Weaving (Smith in the Matrix, V for Vendetta, etc.) but the voices are digitized & stuff...so don't feel bad. I know...it just sounded familiar. Anyway, I would recommend to anybody to go see this movie. I really enjoyed it...and I was skeptical...but I got over it. Now, I just have to wait another two years for the sequel. Ooops, did I say too much???



After the movie, I actually went & bought the PS3 game and it is quite entertaining as well. I'm usually not a big fan of the games like Gundam, Armored Core, Exo Squad, Zone of Enders, & all of those...but this is surprisingly different in some ways that I like. After playing for a few hours with my brother, we went up to my mom's with his family & enjoyed fireworks...another great holiday tradition. I've also included some pictures of my nieces Kairi & Kelaudri for your viewing pleasure. I hope that you enjoy.


This is Kelaudri, my 3-year old niece who I've seen twice now. She's got a cute smile...but she's painfully shy around me...but she's getting used to me.Here's what happens when you show a three-year old how to take a picture...and it gets switched around a little bit. This was supposed to be a picture of me...but I like this one better.Here's a picture of me with the two nieces, Kairi & Kelaudri. I'm the big one on the right with the dirt on my face and the eyes squinted. That's just how I look...it's not a particularly bad picture.Here are some pictures of our private fireworks display in the mountains of Eden. I thought they were kinda cool.

News of the Day - I just wanted to mention this clip because of the picture of this Zebrula (half horse/half zebra) named Eclyse. She was born on a ranch in Italy but has recently moved to Germany in search of work at the Safaripark. It is still under discussion whether she is an Italian hybrid animal, a photoshop hoax, or just a filly who enjoys her new hair dying kit...but scientists say that the first scenario is the most likely. Please enjoy!!!

Sometimes I wonder, "Am I smarter than a 5th grader?". I would like to think that I am...you know...because of the college education, personal experience, & ability to control the volume of my voice indoors. However, I wish there was a way where I could be absolutely sure...like a competition against a dozen of the finest 5th graders in a particular region. A Battle Royale of Wits...and multiplication tables. I will even expose my Achilles heel to any challengers - Reading Comprehension. Having said that, I welcome all challengers. Wait, perhaps I will pitch this idea to a major television studio...and they could even get one of those Blue Collar comedian guys to host it to play with that whole Southern stereotype. That would be entertaining, I think. However, I only represent the causasian male, 18-28, college educated demographic that watches TV about 3 hours per week (may be getting Comcast soon). I wonder what you all think about this idea. Please let me know.

Lucky Moment of the Day - What luck!!! My buddy Nikki was kind enough to give me a small package of Reese's Pieces. As if that wasn't a blessed occasion alone, I shook the bag for a little snackie poo at my desk...and what comes out but seven orange pieces of Reese. What are the odds of all seven pieces being the new black? One in 2,187. Those are some lofty odds...but I overcame them...and am rewarded with seven of the tastiest bits of culinary bliss imaginable. I may be getting lucky tonight overcoming those kind of odds...and I'll surely keep you posted...but the odds are very similar to the 1:2187. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

Sex Sells

News Story of Note - Say what you will about the Canadians...but those adorable, draft-dodgin', Hockey-lovin' canuck hippies get it right sometimes. There's a new eating establishment in Winnipeg called Porno Pizza. Hold on, it's more than just a clever attention grabbing name like my idea for Papa Woody's Pizza or Dee's Nuts Salty Snacks (who I recently found already exists several years after newscaster Phil Riesen called me an A-Hole when I told him the idea...long story for another day). What makes this pizza place a little different, and therefore memorable, isn't the quality for their pizza or the great deals that they offer...but the boxes that they come in...which as you eat reveal a wide variety of pornographic images.

By the way, if you've seen the original "Revenge of the Nerds" (I was raised on it) then you'll recognize the tactic...and the business is on pace to DESTROY the Alpha Betas & take over the Greek Council...of Canadian pizza chains. Apparently they're destroying their competition in the happening metropolis of Winnipeg & are looking to franchise in Canada (sorry, not in the US....yet). The owner, 30-year old Corey "Van" Wilderman probably put it best when he was quoted as saying, "You'll never go broke appealing to the lowest common denominator. Everybody knows: Sex sells!!!" Just ask my buddy B at http://www.microsuede.blogspot.com/, you should check it out anyway. It's a funny blog. Always good for a laugh.

However, Mr. Wilderman lost me when he said that 75% of his customers are women...because that has to be a bold-faced lie. However, if it's not...then I'm moving to Canada and hanging out with the ladies who know how to party.


What other businesses could profit from this tactic? The first one that comes to mind for me...is the Airline Industry. Allow me to explain. About two years ago, I was returning from a business trip to Miami. In fact, B was there if I recall. Good times. Anyway, the night before leaving, we had a grand night at a gentleman's club & several bars around town...returning to the hotel around 4 AM. I was on the plane dozing off when it hit me (no, not the cart on my elbow), the stewardesses should double as strippers. Think about it. It’s mostly businessmen who are away from their families and basically waiting to get down on the ground to see strippers after the board meeting or whatever.

You wouldn’t have to pay stewardesses because they could just work for tips. Hell, the airlines could take 20-30% off the top to cover the rising gas costs. Alcoholic drinks sales would easily triple. Sure, we’d have to worry about a few children & older women who wouldn’t be interested. We can bump them up to first class, I’m sure that the businessmen up there wouldn’t mind at all. Geez, you could even have an official Mile High Club Card if you wanted. Private rooms. I mean...the industry's in a bit of financial trouble, right? I'm just thinking outside of the box here...even if it's from the gutter. Let me know what you think. Keep an eye out & let me know if Delta steals my idea...like that guy who started Dee's Nuts. If only I owned an airline...it would be like Soul Plane...but funny...

Tom Cruise - Not one of my favorites...but did you know that despite his appearance in "Born on the 4th of July", he was actually born on the 3rd of July? Now you know. He turns 45 today...and still won't come out of the closet.

Well, I'll be working until 1 AM tonight...then heading over to my brother's to watch a 10 AM screening of "Transformers" in the morning. I've been told from a reliable source that it's a good movie & I will enjoy it. I'm looking forward to it. I'll keep you guys posted...and probably give a review in a few days...but I won't spoil the ending...though I'm guessing the Autobots win...just a guess. I hope that you all enjoy your 4th of July festivities and be sure to enjoy some fireworks...because unless you live in Beirut or Pleasure Island, you won't see fireworks every night. Enjoy a hot dog too!!! Go ahead, you're probably going to sweat it off in the heat anyway. I know I will.

Taylorsville Dayzz

Good Afternoon Everyone,

I'd like to start the day off by wishing a very happy 21st birthday to my good buddy Lindsay Lohan. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to attend her party at Caesar's this week anyway because of scheduling conflicts...but the party was cancelled anyway...and for good reasons. Ms. Lohan (possibly the future Mrs. Love) was been in rehabilitation for a while now & is hopefully cleaning up her act. What is it about these young, beautiful, and occasionally talented Hollywood startlets getting swept up in the lifestyle and making damn fools of themselves??? I fully support Lindsay in her quest for sobriety...and encourage others to do so...if you so choose. I understand that we all have our vices...and it's your decision to make. All I'm saying is...if you do decide to quit and would like a little help, I'm here for you...and I'm sure your friends out there would do the same. If you decide not to, I'm cool with it & I'm sure your friends out there would help you out too. Good luck & happy birthday, Lindsay!!! I'll text you later to see how you're doing.

Now, without further ado, my weekend at Taylorsville Dayzz. For the past week or so, it has been as hot as Adriana Lima's ass here along the Wasatch Front. Saturday was no different. The day started at 5:30 AM (after going to bed around 1 AM because my buddy Chris was in town) and we were at the park, helping to set up the Car Show by 6:30 AM. For those who aren't too familiar with car shows, the gentlemen (and occasionally ladies) who prepare these beautiful automobiles are a interesting breed. They take great pride in their vehicles (as they should) and are often particular about their car's location, conditions, time constraints, registration fees, but they're great guys & really enjoy talking about their cars, sentimental stories, & whatever else comes up. Two in particular that I'd like to mention are Dirtbag & Asshole, owners of a 1949 Desoto Club Coupe (won best in show) and were in the process of restoring a nice truck (I believe '66 Ford but I don't remember). They were kind enough to offer beer & chips to passerbys and were fun-loving cats. Check 'em out at http://www.dirtbagandasshole.com/.

After an hour or so of folding T-shirts and arranging the registration area, the Taylorsville Dayzz Parade started around 8 AM so we watched for a few hours. Personally, I don't really see the appeal of parades. Even as a kid, sure I enjoyed the candy & all, but waving to the mayor, police, fire department, cheerleaders, marching bands, etc. seem a little lame...especially when it's usually in the 90's temperature wise...and I don't fare too well in the sun. I'm not a ginger kid...but I like to think that I feel their pain. Anyway, after the parade, we had a car show staple event...the BURNOUT!!! For anybody who doesn't know, a BURNOUT competition is where car owners show off their ability to burn rubber off their tires using their souped-up engines. Entering the competition costs $20 (donation to McDonald House). You can win a trophy worth...about the same. However, you probably burn off several hundred dollars worth of tires & there's a risk of your transmission, driveline, or other parts of your car malfunctioning. Sure the payoff isn't much...but you always get a roaring applause from your fans. The winner was a Chevy Blazer...but he had stiff competition from a Diesel-powered Dodge, a Mercury Cougar, a golf cart, & a Chevy Chevette. My money was on the Chevette but they finished 3rd.

After the burnout, the car show officially began with spectators showing up to ask questions. My buddy Chris handled the questions at my car "Baby", a 1969 Pontiac LeMans that surprisingly got a number of votes for "Work in Progress" and is pictured here.

Here are some other beauties...

Luckily, the registration table was conveniently located by both a Snowcone Machine (gratis for volunteers) and a large shark slide and other carnival attractions. Big thanks to those ladies & gentlemen at the snowcone machine. Tiger's Blood rules!!!

For several hours we sold raffle tickets, T-shirts, & fridge magnets for a great cause, then the winners of the car show were announced around 5 PM. Around that time, I started feeling rather ill due to heat exhaustion (it's my fair nature) and my stepdad Lavar offered us dinner, so Chris & I hopped in the LeMans & got out of there. Sorry, I don't have a report about the carnival or the Beach Boys cover band or the fireworks...but it was really really hot...and I woke up early, so I went for the free food & temperate climates. We went to Brazas Brazilian Steakhouse. Great food, reasonable prices, & beautiful waitresses...what more could you ask for? Don't worry, as expected, Lavar had an alterior motive for his 'free meal' and it was to have me babysit my niece Kairi for a few hours while he picked up my mom at the airport. Here is an example of how cute she is...

...but I'm glad to give her back after a while. She loves her Uncle $teve but probably only because I'm around her a few hours here & there. We watched "Waiting..." and around 10 PM, I simply couldn't stay awake any longer...and I had to work at 5 AM, so I went to bed. Lame, I know...but I'm the kind of person who listens to their body...and if it says to sleep, I obey.

Sunday, I woke up to go to work and had a full day done by 2:30 PM. So then I went to my dad's to work on the windows of my car (one motor burned out & another fell off the track & was stuck in the door). It was still very hot...but after it was done, we ate brats & watched Family Guy. Good times...anyway, that was the weekend.

Fortune Cookie of the Day - "You have the strength to overcome obstacles on your way to success" - What does this mean to me??? Watch out American Gladiators!!! It doesn't matter who or what obstacles you put in front of me - Nitro, rings, a squishy pyramid, Gemini, nerf balls launched from a cannon, even hot body builder chicks can't stop me on my way to success...but I might slow down a bit for the ladies. Did any of you have an American Gladiator name picked for yourself as a kid? Yeah, me neither. That's just crazy lame. Who wants to be called Avalanche anyway? That's dumb.

Anyway, that's about it for today. More adventures to come this week...because as a previous blog entry mentions, I have a fun-filled Independence Week planned...with a wedding of my Wingman & his Brown Bear on Saturday...stay tuned.

P.S. I just got a text back from Lindsay and she's really enjoying her time at the rehab center. She's found a new love for Jell-O. Cherry is her favorite as you might have guessed. She thanks all of her fans that read my blog. Both of them. She'll keep us posted if anything cool happens. Maybe I can convince her for an exclusive with a good friend like Dr. Love. See what happens when you help friends through rough times???

Funk Me Gently

Good Morning, I apologize for not having pictures of my adventures at Taylorsville Dayzz yesterday...but due to a technical difficulty, that may take some time. Perhaps on Tuesday (Transformers Eve) if we're lucky. So in the meantime, I thought that I would talk about quite possibly my favorite mix CD that I've made...and eluded to in previous blogs...the Funk masterpiece, "Funk Me Gently." It's a mix of tracks that sounds...well, a lot like the Soundtrack to "Undercover Brother" but better & more complete (full 80 minutes of CD memory space). Here is the track listing...and please, sing along if you know it.


1. "Tear the Roof Off the Sucker (Give Up the Funk)" by Parliament Funkadelic - Is it wrong that everytime that I hear this song now, no matter where I am, I feel like I'm driving a golden drop-top Cadillac drinking orange soda & occasionally picking my afro??? I didn't think so. One cannot help but get swept up in the beat of this track...so I'd like to start this compilation off with it to get everybody in the mood. Sing it with me now, "WE want the funk. Gotta have that funk. Ow..."

2. "Ladies Night" by Kool & the Gang - Not just an ode to brilliant club marketing, but it takes a bass line eerily similar to "Car Wash" and with the addition of some horns & a lot of love for the ladies, Kool & the Gang come through again. Again, thanks to "Undercover Brother" there's an image of Denise Richards & Aunjanue Ellis fighting in the shower...but it's actually better than Ladies Night at a club usually anyway. "Nine dollars for a Corona? Are you kidding me? Gosh! Hey Jimmy, when do those Pleasure Bots come out again?"

3. "Got to Give It Up, pt. 1" by Marvin Gaye - You know, back in the day, I too used to go out to parties and just stand around because I was too nervous to really get down...and my body yearned to be free so I got up on the floor and found somebody to choose me. I've got to give it up to this song. By the way, it took me the longest time to finally comprehend most of the lyrics to this song. I don't know if my ears just didn't pick up the high frequency of Marvin's voice or if I was too in the groove, but it took a while. Unfortunately, I'm still waiting on "Got to Give It Up, Part 2 - Whatchu drinkin'?" Ah, a melody creeps into mind...but we'll keep that one for the solo album...

4. "Humpty Dance" by Digital Underground - The first of several that will include a little bit of hip-hop into the mix. Why? As you listen to this compilation, you'll realize that most of them have been covered by various hip-hop mixers & producers...but Funk & Hip-Hop are very similar, so it's all good. Also, I didn't know that 2Pac used to roll with Digital Underground until I watched the Dan Aykroyd movie "Nothing but Trouble." The kid that looks like 2Pac with the Kid 'n' Play haircut, it is 2Pac...but I think he was still Tupac in 1991. I'll have to ask my resident 2Pac expert Spitsofrantic next time I see him, but just a little FYI...now let's all do the Humpty Hump.

5. "Jungle Boogie" by Kool & the Gang - I hope that one day, as I'm trekking through the lush tropics of Costa Rica or emersed in the exotic islands of the South Pacific, that I hear the majestic calls of the animals...and it sounds something like "Jungle Boogie." I think I can hear the introductory Kall of Kool now. "AAAAAAGH-HA!!!"

6. "Superfreak" by Rick James - Raise your hand if you've ever been with a superfreak. Most of us have probably had that relationship with someone we wouldn't take home to mother...but does that mean that we should be ashamed of being a floozy? Of course not, as long as we used protection (Public Service Announcement), because Man is a Sexual Beast. I wonder what MC Hammer's doing right now...

7. "Shining Star" by Earth, Wind, & Fire - This song was covered by Will Smith to do that "Wild Wild West" song a few years back...but I like this version much better...because it had a point. You're a shining star, no matter who you are. Shine your star for you to see what your life can truly be. Speaking of interesting casting decisions (Wild Wild West), did you hear that Samuel L. Jackson is rumored to be Nick Fury in the Iron Man movie being made? Sure, when the character has Fury in the name, he's right up there with Laurence "Furious Jackson" Fishburne to them...but if there are any other comic nerds out there, it does seem like a bold choice, right?

8. "Atomic Dog" by George Clinton & Coolio - "The Dog who chases his tail...will be busy." It's an old Funkatron Proverb that's as true today as it was when George Clinton first came down from the Mothership. Also substitutable with the great "Snoop Doggy DOOOOooOOooOOG" version but this version is a little more 'to the root' of Funk...even though Coolio puts in his rhymes...and I don't care what you say...I like his hair. It's distinctive & distinguished.

9. "Fantastic Voyage" by Coolio - Take an old funky Lakeside classic, add a woofer-worthy bassline to it, and sprinkle in yet more Coolio lyrics...with a dash of message, and you'll truly be nourished to come along on a fantastic voyage in a '65. Not really much else to say about the track...without singing along to it...but you can do that on your time. By the way, why was Coolio so mad at Weird Al for that Amish Paradise thing? Yeah, his Gangsta Paradise had a message...but Weird Al exposed it to more people. Maybe it's all a clever marketing ploy (It is, but I'm trying to be subtle). I wonder what Coolio's doing right now...probably waking up with two beautiful women at his side on a pile of money. I think it's safe to say that we've all been there...at least once.

10. "Hollywood Swingin" by Kool & the Gang - I strongly considered putting Ma$e's "Feels So Good" in its place...but that would be promoting Puff Daddy more than is necessary...and I figured Kool & the Gang would appreciate a third track in the first ten. I remember not too long ago, I went to a theatre & saw a Kool & the Gang show. I always wanted to fit into a band, to play my songs, and become a bad piano playing MAAAAAAAN!!! Trust me, it's lyrics. So hey hey hey, whatchu got to say? Hollywooooooooooood...

11. "Supernatural Thing, Part 1" by Ben E. King - This 1975 hit from one of the all-time greats of R&B had a nice funky James Brown-ness to it that I particularly like...along with lyrics probably taken straight from a gospel song. It goes along with the South Park theory where you replace the words "Lord" or "Jesus" with "Baby" and it works out...but this song has them mixed up a bit. "Your love, your love. Lord, it's a supernatural thing. Oh baby, when we kiss, it gives me some...funny feeling in my brain." Try not to focus on that though. It's still a great track for what it is. I wonder if Trey Parker & Matt Stone are ever going to release that Faith + 1 album that they kind of composed for that episode...

12. "Do Fries Go With That Shake?" by George Clinton & Too Short - Some of you may be wondering, "Wasn't that the jingle on a Burger King commercial back in the day?" It's very possible...but if it was...good for BK. God knows if I ever get nervous trying to pick up girls at a wedding reception, the story that she tells to her friends the next morning will sound something like this song. "Oh he says the damnedest things. Last night when he was runnin' game he said 'Baby, can I cut your cake? Oh, can I have it my way? Don't I deserve a break today? Them buns, I like the way you bake. Do fries go with that shake?' Seriously, he's cute & all but I think he has an eating disorder...besides claiming to be a vagitarian...whatever that is."

13. "Give It To Me Baby" by Rick James - There's no room for subtlety in the world of King James. We've all been in the situation. We went out to the club, had a few drinks, had our designated driver (PSA) give is a lift back to the crib, and we're feeling a little frisky. However, our significant other...isn't in the mood. Where the more passive person would simply take it at that & take a cold shower (possible rub-out) or simply persist once your both under the covers, there's yet another approach that might work more effectively. Simply ask your lover, with as little clothing on as possible, "Gimme that stuff. That funk, that sweet, that funky stuff" and she'll be putty in your hands. Has it worked for me? Sort of. I don't drink much...and I'm always frisky. Always. Thanks for the advice, Rick!!!

14. "Let's Groove Tonight" by Earth, Wind, & Fire - Easily one of the catchiest songs in history, but at least it's a good one. I can't quite get those high notes singing along since puberty hit, but I still feel like I need to sing along most of the time...just not when stopped at a red light next to a Jeep full of skaterboys. They just wouldn't understand...and that's one of the problems with kids nowadays...especially in packs or gaggles or whatever a group of teenagers is called. One thing's for sure, it's definitely not a pride of teenagers. Where was I? Oh yeah, great tune. I think everybody should meet up with your swarm of friends & groove at least once a month. You know, just to keep your groove in check. No need to go to the Carribean to get it back. That gets very expensive. Consider it MGM (Mandatory Groove Maintenance).

15. "Planet Rock" by Afrika Bambaataa - Again, a pivotal track in hip-hop history is included on my record. Why? It's funky. I think that it works well with the others...so that's why. By the way, if ANYBODY out there knows where I can find that Afrika Bambaataa "Basketball" track that they used on the Nike commercials about a decade ago, please let me know. Being the ubercrazy basketball nut that I am, I would greatly appreciate it & can't seem to find it anywhere. Thanks. To clarify, I put this picture in so that it might jog your memory in case my description was unsatisfactory. By the way, is it just me or does J-Dub ALWAYS look like he's stoned? "Hey man, let me get one of those chili dogs?" "Damn it Jason, quit talking to that vendor & get your ass in the game!"

16. "Bop Gun" by George Clinton & Ice Cube - One nation under a groove, gettin' down just for the funk of it. I personally believe this was in one of "Tommy Boy" Jefferson's early drafts of the Declaration of Independence, but that may just be me. "The Wash" may have talked him out of it, claiming that it was unprofessional to have an apostrophe at the end of a verb. I'm telling ya, this country was founded by great men...who knew how to party & get stuff done. We can all learn from their example. This is my idea of the National Anthem in a way. Besides, whatchu gonna do when you get out a jail? What would anybody do? I'm gonna have some fun with my bop gun. Ready or not, here we come...

17. "It Feels Good" by Tony! Toni! Tone! - It's upbeat, a little funky, & a little early 90's R&B. The part that really hooked me though was the chorus "If the rhythm feels good to you baby let me hear you say (ooh ooh baby)" and that's where it made the album chuck full of double entendres & subtle perversity. Fun Fact - Of the seven members of Tony! Toni! Tone!, none of them were named Tony in any spelling.

18. "Knee Deep (Midnight Mix)" by George Clinton & Digital Underground - A great track to end the album on because it takes a little bit of everything, funk, hip-hop, puts it all together, ends it with "But she was not just knee deep, she was totally deep when she did the freak with me. Yaaaah!" and fades out like a montage...because as everybody knows...if you fade out, it seems like more time has passed...


Join us next time where we'll hopefully have pictures & descriptions of events from Taylorsville Dayzz. Also stayed tuned...for the sequel to "Funk Me Gently" coming soon (double entendre), entitled "Funk Me Again." Featuring more from past artists as well as James Brown, Isaac Hayes, Rose Royce, Prince, Morris Day & the Time, Cameo, the GAP Band, Hot Chocolate, & others. Have a wonderful Independence Week everybody!!!