Part 1 - The Random Menace

Good evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

Welcome to the first installment of an undetermined number of volumes about my recent trip to Europe (and some references to the trip some 8.5 years ago) entitled "Rational Baboon's European Vacation." These will be filled with a lot of pictures (but not all because they take up a lot of memory...and some just aren't very interesting), stories of events, some silly jokes, and the usual stuff that you've come to expect from me. So enjoy...

Day 1 & 2 - Slick City to JFK to Barcelona

I awoke around 5 AM to the delightful sound of my alarm clock and the alarm on my cell phone going off simultaneously...which made me wonder why "Slow Jamz" had this incredibly irritating new baseline. A quick shower and waking up everybody and we were off to the airport. We checked in hella early, so I got me some breakfast (California Pizza Kitchen and a Coke for about twenty bucks...f**king airports) and we boarded our plane for JFK. To recap who I was going with, allow me to introduce you to them.

Grandma - She's 71 years old, had 17 kids, and about the most level headed and sweet woman that you could ever hope to meet. Raising all those chillun's taught her not to take life too seriously...and that's super. She hurt her knee recently so her mobility is way down...but luckily, she had me for a 6'8" cane to lean on. The only problem was...that her center of gravity is about the same level as my ankles...but we managed pretty well. In case you were wondering why we didn't get her a cane...or a wheelchair or anything like that...she's also kind of a stubborn ass...as you would probably expect from somebody responsible for a quarter of my genetic code. She had a great time though...and that's what counts.

Pat - Pat is my mother's friend from work. She is often mistaken for my grandma because she's a lot like my mom. If you hang around Pat more than a few minutes, you'll find out the following...because she'll work it into any conversation whether you know it already or not. She is an orphan. Apparently, that's an excuse for every little quirk or lack of knowledge about anything that may come up. "Oh, I didn't know that. I was an orphan." "So...you didn't know shrimp can be served with their heads still attached...because you were an orphan?" She's been to Belgium with work...and the old people there have no problem walking on ice. Still not sure how this kept coming up in the conversation...but it did. She thinks that Barcelona is a lot like San Francisco was in the 60's. Why? "Street people." She's another open book though and will tell you anything and everything...whether you asked or not. Oh yeah...and she's the kind of person that likes to open her mouth...instead of opening her eyes & ears. Even when she's silent, she still can't hear you...or she just doesn't pay attention to it...even if she just asked you a question. A little irritating...but she had fun too.

Anyway, back to the flight to JFK. Have you ever been on a flight and seen a mother with a newborn...and you watch them walking down the aisle towards you...and so you say a silent prayer along the lines of "Please don't let the screaming baby sit next to me. Please don't let the screaming baby sit next to me." and then they sit down next to you? Yeah, it's fun stuff...but this time, it actually wasn't that bad. The baby was smiling at me and sticking her tongue out at me...so I did it back. Then she started giggling so the mom introduced herself and the baby, June. "So she's...what about...five or six months old then?" "Yeah, the name kind of gives it away, doesn't it?" She came with her husband too...and another couple all seated on the same row. The guys were talking about airlines and the Mile High Club and everything...so I shared my ideas with them...and they seemed to like them a lot. Here are some other ideas that were thrown around...

Tom: "Serious, I think only dwarves can get into the Mile High Club anymore."

$teve: "I have to lean my head against the ceiling to take a leak. I couldn't imagine trying to fit somebody else in there with me...well, I could imagine it..."

Tom: "No kidding? Rick & I were just talking about the idea that it should still count...even if you have to go in separately."

Hardy laughter ensued. Those were some great cats. We talked about a bunch of other things...mostly traveling. Best part, June didn't cry until initial descent...and even then it was only for a moment...then I started with the smiling and wagging my tongue. I've found that it's hard for babies to cry when they're wagging their tongue at you. This concludes today's childrearing lesson.

Oh yeah, also on the flight were about forty Russian orphans ranging from about ages 5-12 with TWO adults watching them. Apparently, somebody with cash invited them over for a Madonna-esque lineup, then sent the rest home. The flight from JFK to Barcelona wasn't quite as entertaining...but had its moments. When the guy at the airport was announcing that they were going to load soon, it was along the lines of "Okay, we're about to load up this plane in about thirty minutes...so if you've gotta go to the baffroom or anything, do it quick and be back here...or else you ain't gettin' on this plane. We won't wait for ya."

During the flight, I sat to an angry Spanish couple, so there was no conversation going on there. There was a hippie lady (possibly going to Barcelona a.k.a. New San Francisco) talking to a guy across the aisle from me. I wasn't necessarily eavesdropping...rather than couldn't help but hear her talking about how she backpacks all over the world and how all the different cultures are based on Love & Togetherness...but America is all about Money & Pollution. I wanted to throw in my two cents...but I decided to watch "Mr. Bean's Holiday" & "License to Wed." They're both okay. Mr. Bean is exactly what you would expect. No words really...but a lot of stupid facial expressions and situations.

The plane landed in the early morning hours...and I don't sleep on airplanes...so I really didn't like carrying my luggage and my grandma's...but I did. We checked into the Renaissance Barcelona Airport and it was a very nice hotel. It's kind of has a futuristic, artistic look about it...and the girls at the front desk are all attractive ladies with Spanish accents...and they think it's cute when you try to use Spanish. "Ola." "Ola senorita, como es sta?" "Muoy bien. (Spanish I don't know)" "Ah, excellente. Ugh dos...ugh rooms...for..." She laughs at my obvious lack of knowledge of her language but a feeble attempt to show that I kind of tried. "Is okay. What is your last name sir?" "Culo, $teve Culo." Okay, I didn't really say that...but I felt like it.

We had to wait a few hours for our rooms (being early morning) but we used that time to get maps and tips from the concierge about what to see and how to get around the city. He was very helpful and explained everything so that even I could understand. The hotel had a shuttle that takes guests into Placa Espanaya ("Spanish Plaza") which is a good central location and you the Metro and bus lines all go there too. First things first though, I had been up for a long, long time and needed some rest...so when we got our rooms, I took what I consider to be the Greatest Nap EVER!!! Though it was only about two hours, it hit the spot. Oh yeah, I just wanted to show you this picture of the bathroom for two reasons: 1) It's a pretty cool, petite bathroom; and 2) THIS was my first picture in Europe...and it's of a bathroom.

When I awoke, we went to a Flamenco Dancing Show & Dinner in the city center. I'm not going to lie. This was one of my favorite stops on the trip. I have some video of this (before I was informed that it wasn't allowed)...but it doesn't do it justice (as this picture obviously doesn't either) but the music & dancing was passionate, beautiful, and intense. I was really swept up into it. I'd be happy to demonstrate it for you...but again, no justice. It was hot, sweaty, sexy, rhythmic, and...ugh, sorry, I blacked out for a second. Was I talking about the Flamenco Show again? Yeah, it was good. The dinner was okay. We had paella, a little steak, and tiramisu. Nothing spectacular...except for the dancing. Again, beautiful Spanish women (and a dude) who obviously loved what they do, dancing, girating, sweat pouring out of their bodies, clapping & stomping & spinning to the intense flamenco beat played by a live band behind them, singing in Spanish (you don't have to know what they're saying, just that you can tell, they mean it), I recommend it to anybody if you get the chance. Worth every penny. It's just hard for me to type it out...but hopefully I did an okay job.

The cab ride back...started as all of them did. We get in the cab. "Renaissance aeropuerto, por favor." "Que?" "Renaissance." "Regadulo?" "Que? No, Renaissance...aeropuerto." "Aeropuerto?" "Ren-a-sonse hotel...by aeropuerto." "Que?" Pull out the card to the room with the logo. "Oh, Ren-a-SONSE. Si, Renaissance Aeropuerto." I hold back from saying, "What the f**k did you think I said? Renaissance." It wouldn't be so irritating if it at least sounded different than what I was saying...but it was exactly the same...even with the accent. That...and it happened every time...so by the end of the trip, I just flashed the room card. Anyway, slept like a babe that night...and for nine hours or so.

Day 3 - Barcelona

The next morning, we woke up and met with Trevor, our tour guide for the day in the lobby. Trevor was an okay guy. He was born & raised in San Diego and moved out to Barcelona about three years ago because he couldn't stand living in America any more because "Freedom over there isn't real Freedom. It's just a word. Here, you can be free...like the America that our parents and grandparents talked about when they were kids." Oh yeah, he had a ponytail and works as a bartender too...but I really didn't need to tell you that, did I? Admit it. Anyway, great guy...and today, he was giving us a half-day tour of Barcelona...but we hit the major spots and were filled in with history along the way.

Long historical story slightly shorter - Barcelona is the capital of Catalonia, which used to be a separate country from Spain, but they just kind of absorbed it back in the day (too lazy to look up the year). The culture there is still pretty distinctively different from, say, Madrid Spain...and the language is even slightly different. The best example I could think of...is it's similar to the way Scotland is with the United Kingdom. Distinctively different...but still shares an Olympic team. During the first half of the 20th century, Spain was ruled by an evil socialist dictator named Franco (who like most evil dictators helped their capital cities to have a great infrastructure but a lot of people were killed along the way) and eventually he died and shortly after the people revolted and established a democracy...but they were a good fifty years behind everybody else at best. However, they won the bid for the 1992 Summer Olympics (Remember the 1st Dream Team and Greg Louganis hitting his head on the diving board?) and that basically was their opportunity to establish themselves as a major European capital...and they did splendidly. The city pulled together...and I can honestly say that it's one of the most incredible areas that I've ever visited...but you'll see over the next few posts. Anyway, that's a quick rundown of recent history as I recall it being explained to me. Click here if you'd like to know more details.

Montjuic - Montjuic ("Jewish Mountain") is so named because it's where the Jews were buried outside of the city walls...again, back in the day (probably Middle Ages). Now, the side that faces the sea is the location of many cozy apartments with fairly affordable rent. How good you ask? People are literally dying to get into them. Okay, it's still a cemetary...but you can't really ask for a better view when you die. Here are some pictures. First of the view, then of the cemetary.

Castell de Montjuic - This is a fortified fortress built atop Montjuic in 1640 that has never been conquered...but is no longer in use, except as a great place to get a panoramic view of the city of Barcelona and Mediterranean Sea and a Military Museum. Here are some pictures.

1992 Olympic Venues - Also on Montjuic is some of the venues like the coliseum for the track & field events, the swimming pool (yes, where Louganis bopped his noggin), and the Olympic Needle among others. More pictures...

After that, Trevor drove us into the city and to see some of the architecture of the city, primarily down the street Passeig de Gracia, which is where a lot of the really, really rich folk lived during the early 20th century and made their homes, many with the help of the legendary artist and architect Antoni Gaudi. He'll be mentioned a lot when talking about beautiful things in Barcelona. You can see some more of his architectural works at this link and here's pictures of Casa Mila and other houses along the way.

This sign made me think of one

of my lovely blog fans.

Parc Guell - This park was designed by Antoni Gaudi from 1900-1914 and was his last completed project. It's kind of hard to describe in words...so here are yet more pictures and the link will answer most of your questions if you have any.

Here's a picture of Pat and my Grandma.

Here's an example of the mosaics that cover this place.

La Sagrada Familia - "Holy Family" - Gaudi designed this cathedral and started in 1884, worked on it until his death in 1926, and it's still being constructed to this day...and probably will be for another century or so. It's an incredibly intriquite piece of architecture and incredibly original. The most inspiring thing about this building, to me, is that it's a vision that the man worked on for thirty years...and is his testament to the world...but he only saw it when it was little more than a foundation. Four or more generations have passed since then...and it's still being built and is still considered one of the great artistic visions of all time. Many of us think "It's too hard. It'll take too long to do. It could never happen." but with the right amount of vision, belief, and passion, you can achieve anything...even if it's not in your lifetime. Greatness knows no time. Here's to having a dream...and more pictures.

Here's a picture of my Grandma & her two meter walking stick.

Here's a spiral staircase.

Hopefully a handrail is in the final plans.

Gaudi - "I told you. It must be built

on the backs of sea turtles!!!"

After Sagrada Familia, Trevor dropped us off in Placa Catalunya ("Catalonian Square") because it was the top of Las Ramblas, a pedestrian shopping area (and the only place that I could think of when he asked where we wanted to be dropped off at). However, there was a commotion. Apparently, in Europe, they LOVE football. Not the incredible sport that Brett Favre plays...but some silly version where they kick a round ball around and score...usually about twice over the course of three hours. Well, there was a pretty big football game between FC Barcelona and the Glasgow Rangers this day...and about 40,000 crazy ass Scots came to support their Rangers...and get piss drunk on Las Ramblas and take over Placa Catalunya to sing their team's praises. It was an incredible sight to behold (video). Walking down Las Ramblas was quite an adventure with drunken Scots singing out proud and everyone within earshot joining in. Say what you will about soccer being a silly sport (and I will) but those fans are passionate...and Scottish people are just fun, fun, fun to be around...unless they're an angry drunk. Anyway, FC Barcelona won 2-0 that night...but luckily, we were back at the hotel before nightfall.

Before we left though, we did a little shopping and found Museo de Cera Wax Museum. It was quite different from Madame Tussaud's. Here are pictures...with captions.

Here's a wax figure of Antoni Gaudi in his later years.

Some have their Hall of Presidents.

Spain is a socialist state.

See how many you can name...

The sign said Steven Spielberg.

Honestly, it could be the Unibomber or

anybody with a beard & sunglasses.

Here's one of Richard Gere, Charlie Chaplin,

and a nose wearing a wig and hooker attire.

I was just confused at this Star Wars part.

Chewie looked like Dr. Zaius from Planet of the Apes.

Luke really looked like Dorothy Hamill.

We also took a Carriage Ride back up Las Ramblas watching the Scots along the way (with one jumping in the carriage with us asking, "How goes it? GO RANGERS!!!" and we cheered with him as the driver shooed him off and he started singing something. By the time we got back up to Placa Catalunya, it was apparent that the Scots were in control. The square was full of chanting football fans and police officers at post, ready for any tomfoolery.

We made it home safely (after trying to get a taxi for over an hour), had some food at the hotel and a glass of Sangria...and how did I relax for bed? Let me ask you something. What's sexier than watching the Discovery Channel's show "What's Sexy?" How about watching it...with a Spanish female narrator? I don't know exactly what she was saying...but it was muoy caliente.

Anyway, that's enough for this entry. Sorry if it was long...but it was a lot for just a few days. At this rate, there'll be 4-5 more just like it. Hope you enjoyed it. See ya on Part 2, probably tomorrow while I work on Turkey Day / Thanksgiving. Adios Amigos!!!

Back in Black...and Orange

Buenos Dias Damas y Cabelleros,

As you can tell by my more than likely grammatically fubar'd Spanish greeting, I am back from my Rational Baboon's European Vacation. As for the blog title, it's like the AC/DC song...but I'm also wearing my Utah Blaze T-shirt...hence the orange. Boy, do I have a lot of stuff to tell you about. Over the past two weeks plus, I've seen ancient wonders of the world, medieval villages, funny lookin' money (worth much more than a dollar nowadays), people with a wide variety of accents, hotties of all shapes and sizes, people who can smoke without getting heckled at, witches, warlocks, and goblins, the wide open sea, crazy ass dreams (that I'll share when timely, you aren't gonna want to miss these), people react to some of my personal views about airlines, polygamy, polygyny, childrearing, dating, Love, and many more incredible sights along the way.

On top of that, I kept two old ladies from being lost forever because they have no sense of direction between them, translated broken English for their fading ears, read signs and menus for them, helped them negotiate stairs, carried their luggage, translated thousands of years of history that they didn't understand into "It just is", and showed them some of the better times of their lives. Who can't be happy about that? Oh yeah, I also spent a scatload of money and was completely cut off from my friends and family for two weeks...but they're glad to have me back...and I'm glad to have them back. Because I still have a lot of unpacking, cleaning up, catching up at work, downloading pictures, getting presents ready, and many errands to run this morning, I just wanted to take a moment to let you all know that I made it back...and I'll share my pictures and stories with you further tonight. This could take all week...and I've missed a lot of news...but I'll be caught up in a few weeks to keep you all informed so you don't have to watch your local news or read a newspaper or talk with your family...you can just read my blog and know the important stuff.

RIP Donda West - As I'm sure you've all heard, Kanye West's mother died almost two weeks ago (I found out yesterday at the airport. Apparently, the BBC couldn't give two rat turds about hip-hop) and it's a sad day. On Kanye's 2nd album, there's a track on there called "Hey Mama" that I used for a little montage of pictures for my mom at a family reunion...and it's always a tragedy when your mother passes away. I don't know about the whole suing the doctor bit because I don't know any of the details yet...but regardless, my condolences to 'Ye and his family.

On a lighter note, I'm back!!! Yay!!! I really did miss all of you...and a big thanks to Bubbles for stopping by last night and hanging out with me despite my "28 hours in an airport atmosphere" kind of man funk. I did change my shirt...but it's a good thing that I'm funny and charming, otherwise, I'd probably never have people stop by. Have a good day...and I'll check in with you all later. Peace.

While I'm Gone...

Good Afternoon Again,

I figured that since I was going to be leaving you for so long...that I might as well leave you a list of some of my favorite entries over the last six months since I started this thing. These are like my top twenty or so (too lazy to count) but feel free to look back if you're bored. Again, have a great time. I'll miss you guys!!!

Sleep Number Beds

When Balls Collide

Mythbusters & Baby Pics

New Orleans - Part 1, Part 2

St. Louis - Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

Formal Apology

Pepperwoodstock

Ron Jeremy

Aquarium

Pioneer Day

Blind Dates at Hogswart

Celebrity Conspiracies

Nom De Plume

Sex Sells

Taylorsville Dayzz

Basketball & Sexbots

More Sexbots

For Heather

Moments Before I Sleep

Sport or Game?

Panda-monium

Legacy of the Wingman

Auf Wiedersehen!!!

Saving the Light of Day

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Luckily, it's Daylight Savings, so I get an extra hour of sleep this morning...because tonight I sleep on the couch (while my mother & grandmother share my luxurious bed, cuz I'm a sucker like that) and I probably won't be able to sleep on the airplane...and arrive in Barcelona at 7 AM. Oh, I know it could be a lot worse...but I think it'll explain the following pictures a little bit. The popular vote as to whether to shave my facial hair or keep it was extremely close. So this morning, I thought about going to Europe...and remembered that my passport picture was taken almost nine years ago...before I could even imagine growing facial hair...and just thought that I'd make it easier on International Customs agents...and shaved it off.

Before - Taken a few months ago when I first got my camera

After - Taken this morning

This is how I look first thing in the morning when I sleep on my stomach. Sexy...

By the way, it's not considered child pornography just because my chin's as smooth as a baby's backside...so please don't report me to the authorities...it's just me. Well, other than that...nothing has really happened since last night. I leave tomorrow morning for my epic journey and am super excited about it. Can't wait to watch the Eagles beat the Cowboys tonight after work. So basically to fill in this blog and amuse you, I've decided to do another one of these survey things that I got through MySpace. Enjoy!!!

1. Are you taller than your best friend?:

I am everybody's tall friend. My brother's pretty close...

2. Do you have a favorite type of pen?:

Bic - Honestly, I really do. I'm not too picky about it...but I also like those pens that are so cool that they require their own wooden case to hold them while they're not in use. Those pens are the lucky ones.

3. Look at your planner for November 11, what are you doing?:

Pull into port in Nice, France; visit Cannes, home of the film festival and stroll along the sea promenade La Croisette; visit village of Grasse to visit a local perfumerie to see how perfumes are made; lunch; visit picturesque village of St. Paul-de-Vence; return to cruise ship and practice Italian pick-up lines en route to Florence. Sorry, you asked.

4.What color are your toenails usually?:

Man-colored

5. What was the last thing you highlighted?:

My work schedule...or somebody's day, I'm a little confused as to the definition of "Highlighted"

6. What color are the curtains in your bedroom?:

No curtains in the bedroom, only the optional blinds. I want everybody to watch!!! Bring a pen and paper, class is in session.

7. What color are the seats in your car?:

Some kind of beige? It's a very muted tone...but damn it's comfortable

8. What are you watching?

The clock...seven hours until I go home...

9. What is the last thing you put a stamp on?

Postage Stamp - Check to my landlord.
Stamp stamp - I love to stamp at work. I can take my frustration out on a piece of paper...and it makes it a little prettier.

10. Do you know anyone who lives in Wyoming?:

Bill - He's my alcohol, porn, & fireworks guy. Now that's one-stop shopping.

11. Why did you withdraw cash from the ATM the last time?:

I have never used an ATM.

12. Who is the last baby that you held?:

My beautiful niece Kairi

13.Can you spell well?:

W-E-L-L, WELL!!! Next time, don't have it on a test where you can simply READ it

14. Do you like Cinnamon toothpaste?:

Nope.

15. What kind of car were you driving 2 years ago?:

Same I am now - either a 1988 Buick Park Avenue or a 1969 Pontiac LeMans

16. Pick one: Miami Hurricanes or Florida Gators?:

Florida Gators...but only because of the basketball team

17. Last time you went to Six Flags?:

Wow! Denver a few years back(?)...but I'm going in Dallas in less than a month. WEEEEE!!!

18. Do you have any wallpaper in your house?:

Not but I have a lot of posters...mostly black and white stuff with Marilyn Monroe, James Dean, Sinatra, Jessica Alba, Scarface, and the Simpsons.

19. Closest thing to you that is yellow?:

The keyboard I'm typing with...it was probably white when it first came to my job...seven years ago.

20. Last person to give you a business card?:

My landlord, it's actually quite humorous, he has a title listing like me - Father, grandfather, skier extraordinaire, eccentric storyteller, omniscient landlord, professional egotist, etc.

21. Who is the last person you wrote a check to?:

I'm tired of talking about my landlord. Next question...

22. Closest framed picture to you?

Company Motto - "If It Can Be Done Cheaper, Git R'Done!!!"

23. Last time you had someone cook for you?:

I cooked for myself the other day...but somebody had to make my delivery pizza when I was lazy last week.

24. Have you ever applied for welfare?

Not yet.

25. How many emails do you get in your inbox (excluding spam)?:

I'm actually curious to the number I'll have when I come back from Europe. Fifteen days - My guess is 748. Any other takers?

26. Last time you received flowers?:

First & latest time, shortly (matter of minutes) before an ex-girlfriend & I decided to part ways for long-distance reasons...and we cried for a while. Not the best memory. Next question...

27. Do you think the sanctity of marriage is meant for only a man & woman?

Sanctity of Marriage? No, I think everybody has the right to be married...and divorced. I just wouldn't recommend it until you're absolutely sure.

28. Do you play air guitar?:

Air guitar, air drums, air bass, air sax, air tambourine, whatever, I'm a one-man air-funk band

30. Do you take anything in your coffee?

No coffee.

31. Do you have any Willow Tree figurines?

Why the hell would they make a figurine of a Willow Tree?

32. What is/was your high school's rival mascot?

Silverwolf - Don't tell me that they don't exist!!! I've seen 'em...

33. Last person you spoke to from high school?:

My buddy Chris yesterday, he may finally get a real job soon.

34. Last time you used hand sanitizer?

China - Over two years ago. Water & soap do me just fine.

35. Would you like to learn to play the drums?:

Already learned a little bit...but sure. Are you offering?

36. What color are the blinds in your living room?:

White...but those are behind black curtains (so that I can watch my projector TV)

37. Last thing you read in the newspaper?

Is that like Yahoo! News?

39. What was the last pageant you attended?:

I don't believe I've attended a pageant.

40. What is the last place you bought pizza from?:

Papa John's - Is it sad that I have the phone numbers of nine pizza establishments in my phone? Cool, didn't think so.

41. Have you ever worn a crown?:

Whenever I go to Burger King, I tell them it's my birthday. "That's great sir." "...but seriously, where's my crown?"

42. What is the last thing you stapled?:

About 150 packets of 19 pages that nobody will read. Just another day at work.

43. Did you ever drink clear Pepsi?

Crystal Pepsi? You bet your ass I did. Even when they started finding syringes and bullets and stuff. Coke knew they were behind the times.

44. Are you ticklish?:

In one place...and I'll let you guess where...

45. Last time you saw fireworks?:

24th of July - It's a Utah holiday

46. Last time you had a Krispy Kreme doughnut?

Too long ago...

47. Who is the last person that left you a message & you actually returned?:

Mr. & Mrs. Wingman invited me to go to Mexico with them...but it's during my last few days of my trip to Spain. At least we'll both be speaking Spanish together.

48. Last time you parked under a carport?:

Earlier today...and I will when I go home.

49. Do you have a black dog?

Julie is my African-American friend. We miss you, Julie!!!

50.Can you give one reason why David Caruso is allowed to keep acting?:

Because he gets the job done...with occasional pauses...for dramatic effect...and an icy cool stare.

51. Are you an aunt or uncle?:

Is this some around the bush way of asking what my gender is? Yes, I'm an uncle. YIPPEE!!!

52. Who has the prettiest eyes that you know?

Honestly, my friend Bubbles. She claims that her rack is better than her eyes. We'll just agree to disagree...but it's a close race.

53. Last time you saw a semi truck?:

On the way to work.

54. Do you remember Ugly Kid Joe?:

"And I...hate EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!!!" - Vaguely.

55. Do you have a little black dress?:

No, surprising I don't...but I do have a blue and grey kilt.

Have a great one everybody!!! See you in a few weeks...

Well, It's...Another Saturday Night and I Ain't Got Nobody...

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

After leaving work fairly early in the afternoon, I went home, made me some lunch (spaghetti with chicken, it was pretty damn good if I say so myself) and watched "Mr. Brooks" as the sun was setting. For those who aren't aware, this is the story of Mr. Earl Brooks (Kevin Costner) who just won Man of the Year from the Pittsburg Chamber of Commerce...but he has a terrible secret...he's a schizophrenic serial killer with a creepy William Hurt as his personal Jiminy Cricket. Well, because he's addicted to the rush from killing, he gets a little sloppy...and somebody catches him in the act (Dane Cook). He doesn't go to the cops though, he goes to Mr. Brooks...and wants to feel the rush. Meanwhile, Demi Moore is a detective investigating the murders. The fun times ensue...and it's a pretty creepy movie. I really liked it...which is a bold statement to make for a movie starring Kevin Costner over the last decade or so. He used to be hot stuff with movies like "The Untouchables", "Dances with Wolves", "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves", "Bull Durham", etc. You know what, I'm just going to discuss this later as my list. Check out Mr. Brooks though.


Farewell Party - Last night was the going away party for my friend Nell. A grand time was had by all...and best of all, there was no drama at this party whatsoever...which is a MAJOR accomplishment. The past few times have been...well, awkward at best. I drove there with Bubbles and met up with other friends...including fellow blogger B, who I hadn't seen in a while. I did have a few drinks...but stayed for about three hours so I was good to drive home. Then I had a drunken text conversation with JJ, who just apologized via text message as I was writing this...creepy, right? No apology needed. We've all been there. Hell, the first time that I got drunk when I was 18...I wrote romantic poetry. Stop laughing!!! At least I didn't call her up at 3 AM to see "Wazzuuuuuup?" Good times!!! It's good to see a bunch of your buddies in one setting...especially when you've kinda grown apart and have busy schedules. We're all gonna miss you, Nell (not her real name...but her identity has been changed to protect the innocent)!!!


Navy Midshipmen - After waking up late...and actually falling back to sleep while watching Kansas beat Nebraska 76-39, I started watching the Notre Dame vs. Navy game. I was hoping this was going to be a good game...because going into it, Notre Dame had a 43-game winning streak against Navy. Roger Staubach was Navy's quarterback the last time they beat the Irish in 1963. It was the longest streak in NCAA football history. Notice I said WAS. In triple OT, the Midshipmen beat the Irish, 46-44. I didn't get to see the overtimes because of driving to work...but the second half was very impressive. I like the Irish and they're going through some hard times this year (record of 1-8 now) but I really like watching the Navy vs. Army game each year...because those guys impress me...and here's why:

• Football Practice is the easiest part of their day - Military training on top of learning football...oh yeah...and graduating with a real major like Engineering or Microbiology.
• Football is just another hobby...and they still do it well. These guys aren't playing to be in the NFL. They're playing for the love of the sport and competition, to represent the other men & women at the Naval Academy, and to test their merits against top schools.
• Everybody is an Antwone Fisher - Nearly every player or cadet in general has a story of overcoming adversity and giving 100% plus tax for their country. For example, senior running back Zerbin Singleton had a story involving a mother that died of a drug overdose when he was a kid, father who killed himself, still graduating top of his high school class, wanted to go to Navy but was hit by a drunk driver and broke his collarbone, so went to Georgia Tech for a year, didn't play, then went to Navy for three years, is graduating with a 3.2 GPA in Aerospace Engineering, and is going to be an astronaut. Everybody has a story like this. Selfless, determined, motivated, these are the future leaders and heroes of our nation. One day, you may be saluting to their quarterback as Captain Kaipo-Noa Kaheaku-Enhada.
• Their style of play - They have played nine games...and their quarter back has thrown 66 passes all year. The Hawaii quarterbacks throw about 66 passes PER GAME, Navy only does seven or eight. Triple options, Wishbone formations, Maryland Isolations, cut blocks, straight up-in your face running. Try and stop us. The goat is probably a fitting logo because they'll just buck it up in their and make you stop them. There's a lot to be said for an upfront style like that. Old school football at it's finest. It was a great game of this historic matchup to watch. I'm a little peeved that I missed the overtimes...but I'll see it on Sportscenter when I get home. The Irish will come back though.

Sorry about that whole blurb about sports. I know that bugs a few of my loyal readers...but it's about so much more than sports that I just had to say it. By the way, the Eagles are going to beat the Cowboys tomorrow night. That is all I have to say...except my predicted score of Eagles 23, Cowboys 13.

Kevin Costner Movies

Medal Winners

Gold - Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991) - Again, I'd just like to say...that this is MY list...and though many of you probably have other favorite Kevin Costner movies like "Field of Dreams" (great flick but not on my top three), you're also not me. A star studded cast including the Electric Company's own Morgan Freeman, Christian Slater, James Remar, Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio, and the voice of God himself, Alan Rickman. "Why a spoon, brother?" "It's dull you twit, it'll hurt more!" Priceless lines throughout...plus plot twists, fire, swordplay, damsels in distress, arrow shooting, Bryan Adams' score, witches, innuendo, drinking, being merry, prison escapes, all that you look for in movies. Oh...and it's even better to see it a second time as Mel Brooks' "Robin Hood: Men in Tights"!!!

Silver - The Untouchables (1987) - The Brian DePalma classic where Costner is Elliot Ness, Sean Connery is Jim Malone, Andy Garcia as Agent Stone, and Robert DeNiro is Al Capone. I've already delved a little bit into this movie before...but it's a great movie too. They're talking about the remake that should hit theatres in a few years...but it's going to be hard to hold a candle to this movie. Prohibition was never so awesome...

Bronze - Dances with Wolves (1990) - "I just pissed my pants...and there's not a damn thing anybody can do about it." Classic. The story of Lt. John Dunbar and his exile to a Civil War outpost in the American West, where he befriends the local tribe and as luck would have it, finds a hot caucasian woman among them named Stands with a Fist (Mary McDonnell). However, this is intolerable to the military, so this leads to conflict. Kevin Costner actually directed this movie...and did a great job with it. "Buffalo!" "Tatonka!!!"

Suggestion - JFK (1991) - Oliver Stone directs this masterpiece about a district attorney who investigates the JFK assassination...but finds there is much more than in the official records. Who's in the movie you ask? How about Gary Oldman, Tommy Lee Jones, Kevin Bacon, Michael Rooker, Joe Pesci, John Candy, Jack Lemmon & Walter Matthau ("The Odd Couple"), Sissy Spacek, Laurie Metcalf, and Donald Sutherland (Kiefer's dad). The movie is long. I'm not going to lie. "Back...and to the left. Back...and to the left. Back.........and to the left. Back...and to the left. Back...and to the left." Hmm, apparently the head went back...and then to the left. I'M GONNA SEE THE GRASSY KNOLL IN LESS THAN A MONTH, Y'ALL!!! THE 6TH FLOOR MUSEUM TOO!!! WOO-HOO!!!

Flush It - The Postman (1997) - See, when you direct a movie like "Dances with Wolves" you can basically do whatever you want from then on...and Hollywood will sponsor you. Case in point, "The Postman" widely regarded as one of the worst big budget movies ever made. "Waterworld" is pretty close too...but he didn't direct that one...so it's not his fault, right? Plot: Post-apocalyptic America in 2013. What begins as a con game becomes one man's quest to rebuild civilization by resuming postal service. I know you're intrigued. Think Mad Max meets Pony Express. I haven't seen it but once...and that was enough...too much perhaps.

Future Watch - Swing Vote (2008) - In a remarkable turn-of-events, the result of the presidential election comes down to one man's vote. Costner is Bud Johnson...and apparently his vote matters (curious to see how that's brought up). Also starring is Stanley Tucci, Dennis Hopper, Kelsey Grammar, Nathan Lane, George Lopez, Judge Reinhold (remember him?), and cameos by Willie Nelson, Arianna Huffington, and Richard Petty. God I hope it's a comedy. The New Daughter (2009) - A single father moves his two children to rural Illinois, only to watch his daughter exhibit increasingly strange behavior. Apparently, it's a horror movie...but with a sell like that, it sounds like Tuesday. We'll see. Why do I even mention it? Guess who the daughter is. Ivana Baquero. Still don't know who she is?

She's the little girl Ofelia from "Pan's Labyrinth." Have you seen that movie? It's an R-rated fairy tale with blood & guts and Nazi Spain and sexy Spanish subtitles and people sewing themselves back together and about 27% fantasy, the rest horrible gore and Spanish anger & vulgarity. Not what I was expecting with a name like Pan's Labyrinth. I was expecting David Bowie and CGI dwarves and stuff. It's an okay movie and all...but don't take the kids to see it. Hell, leave the teenagers at home too. Just trust me.

Anyway, that's enough for tonight. I've got work to do. Have a great Saturday night!!!

Day of Movies

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, since yesterday, not a whole heck of a lot has happened except kicking back and watching a few movies after getting stuff ready for my trip yesterday. Oh yeah...and I'm working early again...but it leaves my afternoon and evening free to attend the going-away party of my buddy Nell as she moves to Denver for a new job. We wish her the best...and we'll gladly get drunk enough to tell her, so that she knows it's the truth.


Yesterday afternoon, I watched one of the coolest action movies ever made for the first time. One of the great action movies from director John Woo, "Hard Boiled" (1992). All I knew about this movie beforehand was that John Woo directed it before he came to the states and it was the basis of the video game that he just helped develop called "Stranglehold." The show was extremely awesome. Be prewarned, that it had subtitles...but stars Chow Yun Fat & Tony Leung and a spitload of guns. There are probably more bullets fired than frames of film in the movie. It's a great story about cops, undercover cops, gun smugglers, loyalty, babies, betrayal, explosions, honor, courage, sacrifice, and a lot of slow motion shots, slides down armrails, jumping through windows, sliding on tabletops, spinning away from oncoming bullets, diving behind cover, it's just a great movie and shot with extreme precision so that you feel like you're one of the cops going to war with them or something. If you love action movies...and I know you do, you NEED to check out this movie. That's right, I said "NEED" to check out this movie.


Miss JL Clyde stopped by last night so that we could continue her zombie research for her paper (I'm not joking, by the way). We watched "28 Weeks Later" and I know that I've gone over how zombie movies don't really scare me that much...but this one was actually pretty good. It stars Robert Carlyle ("Full Monty" & "Formula 51") but that's really about it...and a bunch of bloody extras. Some of the gore seemed...a little unnecessary...but whatever, it's to be expected. The movie was shot with a plethora of different quick, jaunted, first-person camera views with made it feel like watching Blair Witch or some Bigfoot hoax video...and on the big screen can make you feel kind of queasy and dizzy...but it adds to the element of "Did you see that?" "See what?" "When it panned over, did you see that thing in the corner?" "What the hell are you talking about?" RAAAR!!! "Ah zombie!!!" Also, I don't know what it is about kids with the English accent...but I always want them to die in movies. Violently actually. It happened with Narnia. It happened with this movie. Even with that live action Peter Pan movie a few years ago, I'm not sure what it is...but that accent just makes me wanna rage like the 'zombies' in this movie. "I wont to see me brutha, guv'nah." RAAAR!!! The only accent that could be more irritating is a French accent. Oh...by the way, "28 Months Later" is in production. Sorry if that kind of spoils it for ya...but if you haven't seen it before Halloween, then you probably don't care.


Instead of watching another zombie movie, we decided to watch "Spiderman 3" which was pretty good. Still not over the fact that Topher Grace is Venom. Anyway, I've already talked about this movie before. Fingers crossed, I hope "Spiderman 4" is the whole Total Carnage series into one movie...but I'm kind of a nerd like that. JL Clyde & I also had the whole logic discussion about "Where does Spiderman's web comes from?" and that led to it being really sticky...and shooting out of his hands...and well, you can kind of figure how the humor went when he was trying to shoot it into the bad guy's eyes or he & his girlfriend were lying back in a web, looking at the stars. "Peter, this web is...really messing up my dress." "It's okay MJ, just don't get it in your hair."


I Was Way Off - Ladies & Gentlemen, it has just come to my attention that the best backsides in all the world, allegedly, do NOT come from Brazil. Apparently, they're from the Balkans. Yesterday, a 19-year Bulgarian woman named Kristina Dimitrova and 24-year old Romanian Andrei Andrei (not a typo, that's the dude's name) won modeling contracts from a backside beauty contest in Munich. Some 15,000 people from 29 countries sent in their entries (also accepted at this site if you think you can top it). I have to say, that is a nice backside. I'm also very intrigued by the blue tattoo on the leg but somehow, I feel my eye drawn back towards the center of the picture. Anyway, so yeah, good for them.


The Spiderman Defense - Though many have effectively used the Chewbacca Defense in a courtroom setting...but none have been able to effectively use the Spiderman Defense. Case in point, an Australian man named Philip Spiers (hmm, close to Spiders...) kidnapped and raped a woman in 1997...and was convicted and sentenced to 8 years in jail on Wednesday. His defense - He plead guilty (and it still took ten years) but told a court that the poison from a funnel-web spider bite had left him with a viral illness which led to his actions. There was no medical records to back him up...so now he lives Australia in it's traditional fashion...as a prison. If I were in his shoes, I would have blamed it on gamma radiation or something. "Your Honor, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry." (That's a Hulk joke for the nerd impaired out there)


Robin Williams Movies


Medal Winners


Gold - The Birdcage (1996) - Say what you will...but I think this movie is hilarious from beginning to end and I enjoy it everytime that I see it. He & Nathan Lane are hilarious...and Hank Azaria is right up there with them. It's the story of a homosexual couple (Williams & Lane) living in South Beach and William's son is coming to visit because he was recently engaged...to the daughter of a conservative senator/Presidential candidate (played by Gene Hackman) and they wanted to meet his family. Definite rental material.


Silver - Dead Poets Society (1989) - When he wants to be a more serious actor, he can do that too. It's a coming of age movie and through their English Professor, a group of Ivy League bound college kids learn to Carpe Diem - Seize the Day...and who else could teach them this but Mork from Ork??? I haven't seen "Good Will Hunting" (gasp) but I'm sure it'd be a very similar role. Also, oddly enough, three years before this movie came out, Mr. Williams was in a movie titled..."Seize the Day" about a salesman who lost his job, girlfriend, and sanity. I may have to check it out. I'm sure it's not related to this story. Just thought I'd share that with you.


Bronze - Toys (1992) - I liked this movie as a kid...and I still did when I saw it last year again. When a military general (Michael Gambon) inherits a toy making company and begins making war toys, his employees band together to stop him before he ruins the name of Zevo Toys forever. Also stars Joan Cusack and has smaller appearances by LL Cool J and Jamie Foxx. It's directed by Barry Levinson, so it's a crazy cooky good time. If you haven't seen it yet, I suggest checking it out. Oh, by the way, I forgot to mention that on this list, I'm only including live action movies with Robin Williams, not all the cartoon and CGI stuff like "Aladdin", "Robots", "Happy Feet", etc.


Suggestion - Insomnia (2002) - You may not think that Robin Williams can be creepy. Think again. This was Christopher Nolan's follow-up to "Memento" and it's about a killer in Alaska (Williams) being pursued by a detective from out of town (Al Pacino). Though it mainly centers around the detective inability to sleep and the problems that it causes, Williams does a great job of creating an eerie feeling of self-righteousness and is genuinely creepy at some points. If that doesn't work for you, watch "One Hour Photo" (also 2002) about a stalker film developer. You'll buy a digital camera, the next day (unless you're into that darkroom stuff like my buddy The Mad Scientist).


Flush It - Father's Day (1997) - Maybe it was just the expectations of having Robin Williams and Billy Crystal in a movie together...or the plot of "Hi, I'm the mom of a runaway teenager...and I slept with both of you around the time of his conception. I don't know who the father really is...so why don't you guys go find him for me? That'll help." The ending was even better. "Surprise, it was the third dad that raised him the whole time. I so punk'd you guys. Tehehe. Now, if you'll help me move next week, that'd be sweet." Yeah, this movie really sucked to me...but whatever. It did have a special musical appearance by Sugar Ray.


Future Watch - Old Dogs (2008) - Williams and John Travolta star as two friends and business partners who find their lives turned upside down when strange circumstances lead to them being placed in the care of 7-year-old twins. How could this not be a good movie? We shall see. Also, there's the Krazees (2008) where he stars as a schizophrenic psychologist. Ooooh, that's gotta be a good one. Anyway, I'd better get back to being a schizophrenic psychologist myself...so have a great weekend!!!

Be Prepared

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I'm just taking a break from scurrying about and getting final preparations ready for my trip starting on Monday. I'm still going to have to do some laundry or something over the weekend...but other than that. I'm pretty much ready to go. I really am going to miss blogging to you guys...but I always take notes (especially when I plan on drinking a little) and plan on letting you know all about it...and hopefully inspire you to go see the world too.

Facial Hair - Well, it has been officially one year since I started this whole facial hair thing...and the results have been pretty average. Now, I'm wondering if I should go back to my babyface days or keep going with the devil's haircut. What do you guys think? Excuse me, what do you ladies think? Guys, feel free to sound off too...but obviously it's not intended for you. No offense. It's fairly easy maintenance, I tend to stroke my chinhairs, I'm even told that it tickles a little bit when I kiss, but is it sexy or anything? Will I lose my loyal fanbase of hotties with trimming a few whiskers? I'd like to think not...but let me know. By the way, thanks for all the comments recently. They're a lot of fun to hear and greatly appreciated. It's nice to know that people actually kinda read this thing. Anyway, here are some before and after shots. Forgive me, but the latest pictures I have of me without facial hair are from my Scotland trip three years ago...and I wore glasses. I'm the tall guy in the middle surrounded by my ladies...cuz that's how a playa do.

I warned you it was a bad picture...at least of me.

Still surrounding myself in beautiful women...

Other than that vacation preparation stuff, I don't have a whole lot of plans today except kick back maybe watch "Spiderman 3" or something. Oh yeah, yesterday I watched "License to Wed" with Robin Williams, John Krasinski, and the highly doable Mandy Moore. It was pretty good. A little cheesy...but Robin Williams is who he is...and apparently he's hilarious. This morning I watched "Carlito's Way: Rise to Power." Yes, even though my only image was Puffy in a mink, I thought it was worth a shot. It was a pretty good movie, especially considering it was a straight-to-DVD budget movie. Jay Hernandez does a pretty good movie of carrying this thing with a supporting cast including Mario Van Peebles, Juan Guzman, Burt Young, and of course, Sean "P. Diddy" Combs as Hollywood Nicki, druglord of Harlem. Poppin' Diddy Fresh actually did a pretty good tough mob boss in the few scenes that he had...but the movie is nowhere near the masterpiece of the Brian DePalma film with Al Pacino. Besides, the stories don't line up at all theatrically (this one's a prequel to the Al Pacino one) so that kind of bugged me. No more details though. Go check them out...especially the great one.

Martina Hingis Retires Again - I'm not much of a tennis fan...but there is one tennis player that I just can't help but watch. No, not Maria Sharapova or Anna Kournikova. Martina Hingis, my little foxy Swiss Miss, winner of Wimbledon and 5 Grand Slams announced today that she is going to retire (like she did six years ago but pulled an MJ to comeback two years ago). Her reason for doing so at this time, is because she has been accused of testing positive for cocaine at Wimbledon. "I find this accusation so horrendous, so monstrous that I've decided to confront it head on by talking to the press," she said. "I am frustrated and angry. I believe that I am absolutely 100 percent innocent." First off, I believe her...and secondly, it doesn't matter. If she wants to party while in England, that's her thing. I can't blame her for that. It's not a performance-enhancing drug last I checked. Quite the opposite, I thought. Maybe she should get special consideration with that in mind. "Side out! It hit the line." "What? Somebody say line? (Sniff sniff)" I don't know about all the validity of these drug tests. I'm not a chemist, nor do I claim to be (one of the few things I don't claim to be).

Either way, it doesn't matter. She's retired now...and can spend time with her loving family without having to be criticized by allegations of drug use like she's a pop princess or something. You'll always be my Swiss Miss tennis hottie named after a Eastern European she-male tennis champion. You always knew how to play the game - Fair, well, and sexy. If you ever find your way over to Utah, stop on by. I'll cook you up some fondue (I have the pot, fondue pot that is) and we can talk about the good old days on tour. No yayo though, please. I'm just saying it's a house rule. I didn't mean anything by it. Just because Scarface is all over the walls doesn't mean that stuff flies here. "Rule #2 - Never get high on your own supply."

Andy Reid's Family Drama - Speaking of such matters. Andy Reid is the head football coach of the Philadelphia Eagles, my favorite team since I was eight years old...and he's been there for a decade or so. However, his sons are a couple of winners...and the grand prize is jail time. 24-year old Garrett Reid was sentenced to 23 months in jail for crashing into another driver while high on heroin. He has had a long history of drug use. Also, his 22-year old brother Britt is awaiting sentencing for pointing a handgun at the other driver after the accident. Say what you will about him being a f**king idiot, but at least he had his brother's back. Kids, don't do drugs. Please please pleeeeease don't do drugs. You have no idea what it does to your family, friends, coworker buddies, acquaintances at coffee shops, other drivers on our roads, all the other people that you influence on a daily basis...oh yeah...and it's not to good on YOU either. Anyway, that's my plea...but you're going to do what you think is right...and I respect that. I'd say "What Would Jesus Do?" but he seemed like a bit of a hippie. I blame his parents. What did they want for baby presents? Frankensense and Myrrh? I'm not sure what that's good for...but I'm pretty sure that Joseph & Mary toked up that night after the baby went to sleep. Sorry, had to lighten it up a little bit there. I like to pull out the Holy Material once in a while. I also feel a soft spot for Andy Reid because he looks so much like my stepdad. Just say no!!!

Flexibility is Never Ever Overrated - As you may know, I'm quite the fanatic of flexibility. In Germany, a 19-year old woman escaped prison by folding herself up into another woman's suitcase and she walked right out the front door. Neither have been caught...but it doesn't really matter for the 19-year old because she's serve out the last two weeks of her sentence with no additional jailtime IF caught. Why? It is not illegal to break out of jail in Germany. It's what's known by Steve McQueen fans as "The Great Escape Clause." Why do you think Hogan's Heroes had such a cake walk time at their camp? They serve schnitzel, beer, and spatzel to inmates. Damn, I wanna spend 30 days in a German prison. It's like a month long vacation. They probably even sing "Schnitzelbank" with beer maidens decked to the nines. Those German know how to create a society...now. So yeah, keep stretching girls. You never know when it'll come in handy. Besides, it's a lot of fun in the right circumstances.

Well, that's gonna do me for right now. Back to getting things squared away and ready for my adventure into Europe. Join me tomorrow when we talk about...whatever. Maybe I'll do another movie list. I haven't done one of those in a while...and Robin Williams is a great actor comedian. Why not? So until tomorrow, have fun, stay away from drugs (unless you're looking for a rebound), and keep stretching. Love, Peace, and Chicken Grease...