Happy Birthday Jesus!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Little did I know that as I was blogging on Christmas Eve, a fairly substantial snowfall was befalling (I know it's not proper grammar or context…and I don't care) outside my window. After excavating my car from its frozen burial, I took to the streets to make my way to my step-grandparents' house for the Christmas Eve party. Unfortunately, it appeared the snow was falling too quickly for the plows to clear off even the major routes such as State Street here in Slick City. About ten minutes (and half a mile) into my journey, I found myself surrounded on all sides by either motorists whose cars had slid into awkward positions and couldn't move, were sideswiped by other sliding automobiles, or simply had jerkasses behind the steering wheels (SUVs & 4x4s mostly). So after being stuck there for about 30 minutes, I made the call to let my family know that I would be spending Christmas Eve alone at my house because I didn't want to risk injury…and I was going to see them in the morning anyway, so it was all good, right? Yeah, I felt like crap for doing it…but that's what I keep telling myself, it was for the best. Not the first time that I've done it…and probably won't be the last.


So for Christmas Eve, I decided that I would watch a heartwarming tale…and there were plenty on the television this night…but instead I started with a curveball. I decided that I would FINALLY watch "Stardust" with Claire Danes, Robert DeNiro, and the always lovely Michelle Pfeiffer. It was actually a very cute film about true love, fantasy, imagination, dreams, and all that hogwash. I thoroughly enjoyed it, especially the parts with Michelle Pfeiffer. Now, I realize that she was supposed to be an evil witch and throughout the movie she gets uglier and uglier…but I started to realize…that it probably took 4-5 hours of makeup to make her even semi-hideous. The woman is absolutely gorgeous. Anyway, it's a great flick…and if you don't see it for anything else, there's a scene where Robert DeNiro prances around…and he's supposed to be a pirate, Captain Shakespeare. It's even more unsettling than that scene from "Analyze That" where he sings West Side Story tunes. I'm sure he was financially compensated for his actions. Possibly the greatest actor of our time, ladies & gentlemen - Bobby DeNiro.


After that, I did some last minute wrapping and made sure that I had everything ready for Jesus' Birthday Party (you know, in case he decided to show up this year) the next day while 'watching' "A Christmas Story" in the background. It's a classic, of course…and I still laugh when I hear the father say, "Fra-jee-lee, it must be Italian." "I think it says fragile, dear." I believe that just about everybody likes this movie because they can draw at least some comparisons to their own life. Whether it's the father, the mother's Christmas spirit, the annoying little brother, the dream present as a kid, friends at school doing stupid stuff like sticking their tongue to a flagpole, all of the above, it's just a nice stroll down Memory Lane for most people. That's why it's a classic. It still happens without fail that my brother & I will be walking through Wal-Mart and we'll meander by the sporting goods section and he'll see a paintball gun that strikes his interest. "Dude, you should totally get me this for Christmas." "You'll shoot your eye out, kid." Classic…because it never gets old.


The next morning, as I showered, I wondered if the city had cleaned the streets a little better…and I was a little worried about other people making it home safely last night (even after text messages and calls to check). However, when I stepped outside and saw the street in front of my house fairly clean, I was relieved that the major streets would be even better. I loaded up my sleigh with presents and set out for my dad's Christmas party first, here in Slick City. My dad, stepmom, brother, sister-in-law, Kairi, and my stepsister Amber & her son Canon were there. I don't think that I've mentioned my stepsister before on this blog…and if I had, it was a long, long time ago…but she's probably the greatest single mom that I know…and my nephew Canon is a great kid who just started kindergarten. Now, I figured that you'd expect me to say that he's a great kid…but he really is. Well-behaved, good-mannered, sweet, thoughtful, loving, and of course does all the usual kid stuff…like getting super-excited about Christmas and his family. My hat's off to Amber for all the great child rearing that she has done…and frankly, all by herself. (The baby daddy's a Maxi-douche Extreme) Anyway, here are some pictures…

This is my stepsister. She rocks!!!

Here she is with my niece Kairi and nephew Canon

Canon in his Firefighter's Helmet

I think this is THE look that everybody goes for with gifts

Kairi & matching Teddy Bear

My dad is built Ford Tough!!!

That being said, he requires daily maintenance, leaks

fluids constantly, has a mangled driveline, tweeked axles,

and could use a new paint job...but he'll get the job done.

My stepmom and a new sweater from her alma

mater...where she was also a cheerleader!!!

Does anyone else think it's odd that

even my present has an erection?

After a wonderful hearty breakfast prepared by my stepmom, my brother's family & I headed to his house for my mom's Christmas party. After some drama with Kelaudri's baby daddy (also a Maxi-douche Extreme), she joined us there along with my mom and stepdad. By the way, it seemed that at both parties that the only two people who weren't ill…were my brother & me. Everybody else had a bug or sniffles or the flu or something…but we were unscathed. Hopefully it stays that way. Anyway, here are some pictures…

Aaaaaaw...

Kairi & Kelaudri opening presents

Ashley & her new Tink blankie

Anyway, so here's a tally list of the great gifts that I got for Christmas from my loving friends & family. This is not a complete list…but as many as I could remember with a sketchy memory:

• Jesus Action Figure - Thank you Mad Scientist!!!


• Various Cookies, Candies, and Cakes


• Asian Cookware Set - Wok, plates, chopsticks, etc. all with the expressed intent of me using them to cook for ladies. Always willing when they show up, guys. Now I can wok out with my...clock out. You know, to make sure I don't overcook. Thanks Dad & Stepmom!!!



• Spaghetti Cookware set - Basically for the same thing. Thanks Aunt Pat!!!


• 80 GB iPod - Thank you mommy!!!


• The Simpsons Movie - Thanks bro!!!


• Chia Bart (and a bottle of Schmerschmodka) - Thanks Bubbles!!!


• Self-setting Alarm Clock - Thanks Step-grandparents!!!


• Boxers that say "Blogworthy" all over them, Boxers that have a joystick in the front, and a Shirt that reads "Good Pirates Get More Booty!!!" - Thanks mom…again!!!



• Cool artistic ceramic pot - Thanks Filly!!!
  

This year's Present of the Year, I think you would all agree on…because it's cool, a complete surprise, and quite possibly the perfect gift…because I didn't even know that it EXISTED!!! Big ups to my mom…for the RoboPanda!!!

I seem to remember months ago, having a conversation with my mom about her wanting me to have a pet (she feared I was lonely) and telling her that pets weren't allowed in my apartment. So I guess this was her alternative. An interactive cyborg that senses your presence, tells jokes (probably clean, lame, kiddy jokes) and stories (probably involving pandas in a non-perverted sense), and you can teach it to talk…apparently, it's like a giant Furby…and even has a little stuffed baby panda that it interacts with. Of course, I'm already thinking about teaching it to act…so that it can star in my sequel to the worldwide sensation "Panda Porn" entitled "The Sperminator" about a Robotic Panda sent back through time to save his species from extinction…by well, you can guess from here. Anyway, awesome gift!!! All of them are awesome gifts!!! I am truly blessed to have such great homies & loved ones out there!!! Thanks guys!!! Love y'all madly!!!

Well, because of everybody being ill, we weren't able to check out the newly released "Alien vs. Predator: Requiem" but we do have plans to hopefully see it this weekend. Instead we stuck around the house and checked out some of my brother's new games like "Assassin's Creed" which was really cool. He also got "Rock Band" so we can rock out from an hour's drive away now. If any of you want to jam with us and have Rock Band, let me know and we can jam. I also got to play with the nieces and have a good old time…until they started feeling sick later in the day (they were ill before) and Kairi blasted me with projectile vomit. It's a good thing she's cute…so I didn't rub her nose in it. After that, it was a perilous drive home.

Now, I would like to commend the State of Utah and the city of Slick for cleaning the majority of their roads in a timely manner. However, the city of Ogden…can suck my candy cane when it comes to this facet of civil service. More than 24 hours from when the snow stopped, NOTHING was done to major avenues such as Harrison Boulevard…so now it was a wonderful skating rink for motorists. I nearly got into a wreck, because being at the base of the Rockies, there are some steep roads (and horrible drivers) and there was a truck passing me on the left…and a car about a quarter-mile in front of me that we saw suddenly turn to its side (my guess, unintentionally), so we start tapping our breaks to slow down from the 20 MPH that we're going. It's not really effective for either of us. I'm totally slipping..instinct kicks in, pull to the side to get some snow on the right side of you to help slow you down. I edge slowly towards the side, the snow helps slow down…the front right side, not the back, so now I'm jack knifing a bit. The truck is slowing down…and I'm already thinking of the back side of my car rear ending his truck full of gifts. I turn back into the slide, straighten out a bit, stop. It's about three feet from the truck…and the original turned vehicle is about five meters in front of us chuck full of kids and presents. Luckily, no traffic behind us. The front car straightens out. We all drive off. As soon as we hit US-89 (cleaned by the state) the road was fine and the drive home was spectacular. Again, big ups to UDOT. City of Ogden can suckiteasy. Then I started setting up my new gifts, checked out online Rock Band with my brother, and slept like a baby.

All and all, I'd say that it was a great Christmas Day. I spent time with my loved ones, made out with a major stash of cool stuff, and I even have IOU's for new clothes (Special order because they don't call me Daddy Long Legs for nothing). Again, thank you to everybody out there for being awesome!!! Merry Christmas!!! And a Happy New Year…in a few days!!! Also, remember that Movie Night is Thursday if you're interested (I'm thinking "Witches of Eastwick" will be one of the movies) and my Aunt Missy's Birthday Bash is Saturday Night!!! Come on, come all. Have a great night…and Happy Boxing Day to all my fans in the Commonwealth!!!

Holiday Weekend

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

This was a superfun weekend!!! So get ready to hear about it...because I simply have nothing better to do. Well, after blogging Thursday morning, I had the intentions of stopping by work to pick up my paycheck, say hi to some people, and get out so that I could do some Christmas shopping before heading to my brother's. Instead, I stopped by work, picked up my check, then was invited to a little Christmas party where they served grilled cheese sandwiches, holiday goodies, and meet some of the newer coworkers via internet conference. So I scratched the shopping and went to hang with my brother and best friend since the 2nd grade, Isaihia.

Along the drive down there, I got a message from one of my sister-in-law's school friend (who I've never even been introduced to before) and apparently, she (Mel) was screening prospects for another friend (JoJo)...who my sister-in-law wanted to me to meet. Wow, it was the 7th grade all over again...only slightly crazier. "So...what's your baggage?" "Excuse me? I don't have baggage little lady. I've got luggage...ready to go around the world on a whim...but I am a bit of a smartass." "Do you shave your head?" "No." "Why not?" "Because my scalp is less than desirable...and I like my hair." "You should totally shave your head. JoJo likes shaved heads." "Good for her. I like redheads with tig bitties." "(Laughter, then to somebody else) This guy's an asshole. He says he wants you to be a redhead." "That's not what I said and you know it...now are you gonna put her on the phone or what?" Phone hangs up...disconnected service, I'm sure.

The phone rings again. "Hi, is this JoJo?" "No, this is Mel." "Could you do me a favor? Cut out the middle man and let me get straight to the source...unless she's in surgery or something, of course." "(Handed over) Hello?" "Hi, JoJo?" "Yeah, sorry about my friend Mel...she's kind of a bitch." "Agreed. Hey, so...how's it going?" "You wanna meet up tomorrow sometime?" "Well, sure. Why not?" So that was that...for now. Frankly, I'm kinda getting tired of calls from my sister's crazy friends...but there's more on this later.

The three of us (Isaihia, Kiel, & myself) played Rock Band for a while...like all day...because time flies when you're having fun...and watching Kairi. I didn't feel the least bit sorry...even when it started snowing horribly and getting icy so that I couldn't go hang with my mom. I slept on the sofa bed...around 3 AM because that's how my brother rolls. My other 'brother' and Isaihia's brother Spitso stopped by to play too...and ask if we could run security for him at a show Friday night. We agreed.

Congratulations to the U!!! - The University of Utah football team beat Navy in the Poinsettia Bowl. That's all that's really important. Read the article for details.

Friday - I was awoken around 10 AM by Mel. "So...are you coming to meet us at noon?" "You still haven't told me where." "Ash can bring you." "Ugh...okay, Ash is at school or work or something though. Do you have any idea where you're at? Is it possible to give me directions...or perhaps some kind of medication to get to where you are?" "What? No, it's...it's hard to explain...I ugh..." "(God damn public school)" "Get Ash to bring you. I'll tell her where." "Does she speak your native tongue or something?" By this point, I was just getting fed up with this stuff...especially when JoJo was nowhere to be heard...then she got on the phone, "Hi, are my friends making you do this?" "Yes, they are holding a gun to my head and demanding that I meet you. Come on now, this is ridiculous. Are they making you meet me? If so, all you gotta say is no and we can forget this ever happened." She laughed handing the phone back and I heard her say, "He's not an asshole. You're just a bitch." Awesome. Long, stupid text conversation later (oh yeah, text after that)...we never met and I'm pretty sure that we're both better off.

During the day, more hanging with Kiel and now, both nieces Kelaudri & Kairi. Those girls are just so damn cute...but by the time 9 PM rolled around, it was time to run security for our boy Spitso at Kamikaze's in Ogden. For those of you who have never been there, all you need to know...is that it's a dive...that used to be a church. Awesome, right? Nyeh, it's okay...but he just plays there because of the music. We showed up about two hours before showtime...and fifteen minutes before Spitso...so the doorperson made us pay five bucks. "We're security for the performers though. We were informed that we didn't have to pay cover...because we're doing our jobs. Is this not the case?" "I don't know. The guy you'd need to talk to just stepped out."

We paid the cover...and took a seat until Spitso got there. Honestly, the three of us are kind of an imposing image...because Isaihia's an army officer...and my brother & I are massive...but honestly, we could protect him...even without experience. Back on point though, I was thirsty. "Could I get a water?" Bottle is laid on the counter, "Four bucks." "I'm security for the performers. Is there a complimentary alternative?" "Nope." "Yet you have a six buck pitcher of Bud Light? You know what...gimme a pitcher of Bud Light. Here in Utah it's basically just bad water anyway." We shared about half a pitcher before Spitso showed up. Apparently, 'the guy' we needed to speak with showed up and said that we couldn't run security because we were drinking. "Excuse me, you're not going to allow us to do security...for the ten people here in the bar...because a pitcher of beer is cheaper than a bottle of water? Believe me, my associates and I are in top form." "I can't give you your cover back...because legally you're intoxicated." "Do you have a breathalyzer? Would you like to quiz me or something?" "It doesn't matter. It's too late." "Well, let it be known...that IF something happens to my brother here, that it will be taken care of. On that note, I think that I'm going to finish my drink. Have a great night, Dick." Honestly, I didn't know his name...but I thought it was a good guess.

Needless to say, nothing happened...except a great performance, a few frosty watered down beverages, and a lot of fun with the brothers. The follow-up act, Demise, wasn't nearly as good...but they were okay. Great beats...but no stage presence. We drove him and slept shortly after...still frosty outside. Damn winter.

Saturday - This morning, I was awoken by my Aunt Pat calling...and then hanging up when I answered. I didn't return the call. Still haven't heard from her. Must not have been important. During the day, I watched the nieces again and we had a great time. Kelaudri seems to really like me and likes to snuggle with me and stuff. Kairi does too...but not as profusely as Kelaudri. Great kids though. I actually remember having Kairi lay her head down on my chest with her thumb in her mouth...and thinking to myself, "Man, what would it be like to have one of these of my own?" Then she farted...well, more than a fart...and the moment was lost.

Tonight was my mom's family's Christmas party...and I may have mentioned this before...but my mom is one of 17 children...and I am one of sixty-something grandchildren...and there's a few dozen great-grandchildren...oh yeah...and a lot of the children and grandchildren have spouses...so it was a full house. My brother couldn't make it because of work (gasp) but I stepped in and played the role or helping to transport the kids. I also helped my mom set everything up...because it's what I do when my mom volunteers to do stuff like this...I do the legwork. It rocks. Here are some pictures of the party...

A small sampling of the early partygoers...

The Christmas Tree and some who

weren't running around and screaming...

Standing room only performance of the Nativity Story

Starring Baby Jesus, Joe, Mary, angels, and the

three fairly-intelligent men among others...

Some say it's sacreligious...

Some say it's cute...

I think Jesus is a little ill...maybe it was the myrrh.

Extreme Musical Chairs

The Finals - I think the little kids are in trouble

"Aw, the little girl won? Shenanigans!!!"

After the party, I headed back home because I have to work tomorrow...but not before being informed that NEXT SATURDAY, DECEMBER 29TH is my Aunt Missy's birthday party at Barbary Coast. I'll be there...so let me know if you'd like to come. It's gonna be fun. Hope to see ya there...and have a great night!!!

Be Prepared

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I'm just taking a break from scurrying about and getting final preparations ready for my trip starting on Monday. I'm still going to have to do some laundry or something over the weekend...but other than that. I'm pretty much ready to go. I really am going to miss blogging to you guys...but I always take notes (especially when I plan on drinking a little) and plan on letting you know all about it...and hopefully inspire you to go see the world too.

Facial Hair - Well, it has been officially one year since I started this whole facial hair thing...and the results have been pretty average. Now, I'm wondering if I should go back to my babyface days or keep going with the devil's haircut. What do you guys think? Excuse me, what do you ladies think? Guys, feel free to sound off too...but obviously it's not intended for you. No offense. It's fairly easy maintenance, I tend to stroke my chinhairs, I'm even told that it tickles a little bit when I kiss, but is it sexy or anything? Will I lose my loyal fanbase of hotties with trimming a few whiskers? I'd like to think not...but let me know. By the way, thanks for all the comments recently. They're a lot of fun to hear and greatly appreciated. It's nice to know that people actually kinda read this thing. Anyway, here are some before and after shots. Forgive me, but the latest pictures I have of me without facial hair are from my Scotland trip three years ago...and I wore glasses. I'm the tall guy in the middle surrounded by my ladies...cuz that's how a playa do.

I warned you it was a bad picture...at least of me.

Still surrounding myself in beautiful women...

Other than that vacation preparation stuff, I don't have a whole lot of plans today except kick back maybe watch "Spiderman 3" or something. Oh yeah, yesterday I watched "License to Wed" with Robin Williams, John Krasinski, and the highly doable Mandy Moore. It was pretty good. A little cheesy...but Robin Williams is who he is...and apparently he's hilarious. This morning I watched "Carlito's Way: Rise to Power." Yes, even though my only image was Puffy in a mink, I thought it was worth a shot. It was a pretty good movie, especially considering it was a straight-to-DVD budget movie. Jay Hernandez does a pretty good movie of carrying this thing with a supporting cast including Mario Van Peebles, Juan Guzman, Burt Young, and of course, Sean "P. Diddy" Combs as Hollywood Nicki, druglord of Harlem. Poppin' Diddy Fresh actually did a pretty good tough mob boss in the few scenes that he had...but the movie is nowhere near the masterpiece of the Brian DePalma film with Al Pacino. Besides, the stories don't line up at all theatrically (this one's a prequel to the Al Pacino one) so that kind of bugged me. No more details though. Go check them out...especially the great one.

Martina Hingis Retires Again - I'm not much of a tennis fan...but there is one tennis player that I just can't help but watch. No, not Maria Sharapova or Anna Kournikova. Martina Hingis, my little foxy Swiss Miss, winner of Wimbledon and 5 Grand Slams announced today that she is going to retire (like she did six years ago but pulled an MJ to comeback two years ago). Her reason for doing so at this time, is because she has been accused of testing positive for cocaine at Wimbledon. "I find this accusation so horrendous, so monstrous that I've decided to confront it head on by talking to the press," she said. "I am frustrated and angry. I believe that I am absolutely 100 percent innocent." First off, I believe her...and secondly, it doesn't matter. If she wants to party while in England, that's her thing. I can't blame her for that. It's not a performance-enhancing drug last I checked. Quite the opposite, I thought. Maybe she should get special consideration with that in mind. "Side out! It hit the line." "What? Somebody say line? (Sniff sniff)" I don't know about all the validity of these drug tests. I'm not a chemist, nor do I claim to be (one of the few things I don't claim to be).

Either way, it doesn't matter. She's retired now...and can spend time with her loving family without having to be criticized by allegations of drug use like she's a pop princess or something. You'll always be my Swiss Miss tennis hottie named after a Eastern European she-male tennis champion. You always knew how to play the game - Fair, well, and sexy. If you ever find your way over to Utah, stop on by. I'll cook you up some fondue (I have the pot, fondue pot that is) and we can talk about the good old days on tour. No yayo though, please. I'm just saying it's a house rule. I didn't mean anything by it. Just because Scarface is all over the walls doesn't mean that stuff flies here. "Rule #2 - Never get high on your own supply."

Andy Reid's Family Drama - Speaking of such matters. Andy Reid is the head football coach of the Philadelphia Eagles, my favorite team since I was eight years old...and he's been there for a decade or so. However, his sons are a couple of winners...and the grand prize is jail time. 24-year old Garrett Reid was sentenced to 23 months in jail for crashing into another driver while high on heroin. He has had a long history of drug use. Also, his 22-year old brother Britt is awaiting sentencing for pointing a handgun at the other driver after the accident. Say what you will about him being a f**king idiot, but at least he had his brother's back. Kids, don't do drugs. Please please pleeeeease don't do drugs. You have no idea what it does to your family, friends, coworker buddies, acquaintances at coffee shops, other drivers on our roads, all the other people that you influence on a daily basis...oh yeah...and it's not to good on YOU either. Anyway, that's my plea...but you're going to do what you think is right...and I respect that. I'd say "What Would Jesus Do?" but he seemed like a bit of a hippie. I blame his parents. What did they want for baby presents? Frankensense and Myrrh? I'm not sure what that's good for...but I'm pretty sure that Joseph & Mary toked up that night after the baby went to sleep. Sorry, had to lighten it up a little bit there. I like to pull out the Holy Material once in a while. I also feel a soft spot for Andy Reid because he looks so much like my stepdad. Just say no!!!

Flexibility is Never Ever Overrated - As you may know, I'm quite the fanatic of flexibility. In Germany, a 19-year old woman escaped prison by folding herself up into another woman's suitcase and she walked right out the front door. Neither have been caught...but it doesn't really matter for the 19-year old because she's serve out the last two weeks of her sentence with no additional jailtime IF caught. Why? It is not illegal to break out of jail in Germany. It's what's known by Steve McQueen fans as "The Great Escape Clause." Why do you think Hogan's Heroes had such a cake walk time at their camp? They serve schnitzel, beer, and spatzel to inmates. Damn, I wanna spend 30 days in a German prison. It's like a month long vacation. They probably even sing "Schnitzelbank" with beer maidens decked to the nines. Those German know how to create a society...now. So yeah, keep stretching girls. You never know when it'll come in handy. Besides, it's a lot of fun in the right circumstances.

Well, that's gonna do me for right now. Back to getting things squared away and ready for my adventure into Europe. Join me tomorrow when we talk about...whatever. Maybe I'll do another movie list. I haven't done one of those in a while...and Robin Williams is a great actor comedian. Why not? So until tomorrow, have fun, stay away from drugs (unless you're looking for a rebound), and keep stretching. Love, Peace, and Chicken Grease...

Mythbusters & Baby Pics

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

I know that you've missed me these past...well, seven hours or so. Okay, probably not...but here's another entry since you probably haven't read yesterday's yet. No biggie. My schedule's a little out there sometimes. Besides, the earlier I get to work, the earlier I can go home...and I have a three-day weekend. Yippee!!! First things first though, I did receive a call from Bubbles last night at work shortly before leaving...and she went to the emergency room because she couldn't keep anything down...but she says that she's doing a little better now...and should be working with me later today. Whew. I'm glad that she's okay.

This morning, I woke up, showered, got dressed, got some Loaded Breakfast burritos at Carl's Jr. for my breakfast, and then was quickly reminded why I like my usual schedule. It took me 20 minutes to get on the freeway (I live two miles from it tops) and then another 20 minutes to go the four miles on the freeway to work. I dislike traffic very much. About halfway through the freeway portion, I was reminded that I had not taken my Morning Deuce...and needed to find a bathroom quickly. I finally made it to the parking lot...and then a lady flagged me down because her motorcycle had tipped over and she needed some help lifting it. Heavy lifting is not the best thing when you're prairie dogging...but being the gentleman that I am, I helped out...and my sphincter held true. Long story short, I made it...just barely. During the last minute or so, I swear that I could here some kind of dramatic thriller music gradually getting louder until the finally violin strum...and bass drum roll. How's that for overdramatizing my bowel movement? True story though.

World Domination Update - It's official. With a blogger from Egypt checking in at least once, I have spread to SIX continents in less than a month. All I need now is a Penguin to use their laptop in Antarctica...and my mission is complete. Bwahahahahahahaaa!!! I mean...thanks everybody. You guys rock!!! Hopefully I'm entertaining you guys to the best of my abilities.

Mythbusters - I like the show Mythbusters on the Discovery Channel. What's not to like about a show where loveable engineering nerds get to test urban legends and myths? However, I find myself yelling at the screen sometimes because they test the myths...but not in the most effective way. Like the launching a human being with a bunch of pressurized 2-liter bottle rockets and it kept pulling down because the center of gravity was off-center. So I yelled at the screen, "Tuck the feet up. The center of gravity is off. Put Buster in the fetal position, then launch him off the pier. It'll work dammit!!!" Only now do I realize that it was actually taped months (possibly years) earlier...and even IF Adam & Jamie could have heard me, it was too late.

Okay, but the real reason that I watch the show...is Kari Byron. She is gorgeous...and an engineering nerd. When she rocks the pigtails. Giggidy!!! However, despite her flawless appearance, quick wit, and seemingly pleasant nature, I think that there's a conspiracy to it. I believe...that she is actually a robot. How else could she be so seemingly perfect? Engineering nerd, always smiling and gorgeous, redhead, great lung capacity, funny & charming, it all seems to add up. She very well may be a prototypical sexbot years ahead of her time. Anyway, more on that as evidence shows itself. I've sent a few emails to Mythbusters (such as the bottle launcher idea previously stated) but I think that they disregard them...because I usually end the message by offering my services in a great spin-off idea for a show that can be shown during the later hours. It involves Ms. Byron and myself starring in "Nutbusters" as we investigate the truth behind sexual urban legends and myths. I already have the first season's worth of ideas taken care of...and there should be plenty of viewer mail for what they'd like to see Kari & I test out. What do you think? Would you watch?

Anyway, back to the PG-rated universe. With my last entry about all those baby movies. I thought that I would share with you some of my baby pictures...because at one time, I was fairly cute...and I like to reminisce on those days. Anyway, here are a few that I happened to have handy...and most of them feature my mom and/or brother Kiel too, so enjoy...

The first picture of $teve?

The prophecy has been fulfilled!!!

Go forth and spread the word!!!

I like this picture of my mom & me.

Mostly because she's smiling and I look like a drugged Gremlin.

My brother and me

Here's an 18th century wood carving

of me feeding my brother.

Another picture of me feeding him.

What am I trying to see? God bless LASIK surgeons.

Age 6 - Notice how I'm almost as tall as Donald Duck

It's a running theme in my life.

Anyway, that's enough for me today. Busy day at work...so I'd better get on the ball. My three day weekend is just a few hours away. Wish me luck!!! Have a great weekend yourself. Peace.

The Quest - Part 3

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Welcome to the thrilling conclusion of $teve & Mom's Journey to the Center of America...and back. When we last left our adventurers, they had just returned to their sanctuary in the Most Dangerous City in America two years running - St. Louis, Missouri. As the saying goes, "Missouri loves company" so let's join them...



Day 5 - St. Louis

After another later than expected start (it was a Ritz-Carlton bed), we thought that breakfast was for suckers...so we headed out to see the city via foot & public transportation. The concierge at the hotel had given us directions to a Metro stop a block away from the hotel...but apparently we had lost something in the translation...so we cruised through the private houses of Clayton, the suburb that the Ritz-Carlton is located in. Beautiful, brick houses with well-maintained lawns...but it was also very hot & humid with the Heat Index reaching 105 for that day...so we asked a local jogger where the Metro stop was & took it to Forest Park.

Pictured above is the Missouri History Museum in Forest Park, which hosted the World's Fair in 1904, the 100th Anniversary of the Louisiana Purchase. The museum is a fitting tribute to Thomas Jefferson, one of our tallest & greatest Presidents (pictured above in his actual size of historical significance). They also had an exhibit about Charles Lindbergh, his early years, his historic flights, & his life as a celebrity. Here are a few pictures from that exhibit...some with captions...

Below is the size of the cockpit he was in. Cramped?

Here's a picture of the Lindbergh Baby...

Lindbergh was actually one of the first treehuggin' hippies!!!

Then there was an exhibit about the 1904 World's Fair and how they completely built up the Park to look like the pictures below...but every structure was made out of mud, paper mache, & chicken wire, so they tore it down two years time to restore it to a park. Sounds eerily familiar to what they did in Salt Lake City in 2002...and are doing in Beijing for 2008...

When done viewing the World's Fair exhibit, we asked one of the volunteers at the museum where the restaurant was because I was VERY hungry at this point. "Upstairs on the right, but don't you want to see the Wedding Dress exhibit first?" Of course, my mom wanted to. "Thank you ma'am. You are a great help (but you aren't getting a donation from me now...because you're making me look at hundred year old wedding dresses that some unfamous chick wore ONCE and kept me from getting a damn sandwich)." Anyway, the next few pictures are for my mom...so that she can see her wedding dresses in two dimensions now...

This message is brought to you by the color White...

Sitting there, my eye was pulled to two college girls literally staring down an old green wedding dress & occassionally muttering HGTV jibberish back & forth to eachother...but never taking their eyes off the dress. Did they expect it to rotate? Where they trying to move it with their minds...or get it to change color or something? I didn't want to ask. I just wanted to eat.

Meriwether's - This restaurant at the museum caught me completely off guard. It was a very well appointed restaurant with a gorgeous view of the Park and moderately priced for a lunch at the museum. The AC was nice too. As mentioned before, I was just expecting to get a sam'ich of some sort...but instead I got a Bison Patty Melt (take that PETA) with Asian noodle salad and my mom got a delicious Portabella Sandwich with Corn Salad with beverages for about thirty bucks with a handsome tip included. Here are some pictures of the view that you enjoy there as well...

The last exhibit we checked out there was about the historic figures of St. Louis like Dred Scott, T.S. Elliot, and others...but because you already know all that you need to know about them, I just thought that I'd show you Chuck Berry's guitar & Miles Davis' trumpet.

St. Louis Science Center - It is a well-known fact that I am a nerd. However, you may be asking yourself...or have asked in the past, "How nerdy is he?" Well, allow me to assist you in answering that question. Here are a few examples from the Marvel Superheroes Exhibit at the St. Louis Science Center, where you can learn the science behind superpowers.

I've always liked Mr. Fantastic, even before he was banging Jessica Alba in the movies. Here's my impersonation.

Flame On!!!

I'm lifting the car...and I didn't even get a hernia.

They have a lot of other exhibits about dinosaurs, DNA (deoxyrhibonucleic acid), the human body, a planetarium, and many others as well.

Mars - The Redish Brown Planet

Busch Stadium - Home of the St. Louis Cardinals...for now. Also, St. Louis is home to the world's largest brewery for Anheuser-Busch...but we weren't thirsty for beer midday. We were taking the Metro to the Gateway Arch - Gateway to the American West!!!

First was a Steamboat Ride along the Mississippi River. We were very, very warm, so we bought some $4 blue ICEEs and sat in the air conditioned lower level of the boat for the most part, until we swung back towards the Arch. Here are some pictures of that experience...

Please take a moment to read the shirt on that last picture...

After that, we took a Tram Ride to the Top of the Arch. Please visit the link if you'd like to learn the full story about the construction of the Arch and many other fun & fascinating engineering facts. I'm kind of an engineering nerd too (see pictures of bridges above) but I don't want to bore you with them. I like to think that my blog is entertaining & educational...but I may be delusional.

My mom appears to be comfortable...

"Sure, it's small but...WHAT WAS THAT NOISE???"

View through the slit windows at the top...

After a fun time on the Riverfront, we decided to head back to the Ritz-Carlton for the evening...but not before I took some pictures of the hotel & its fountain during the "Magic Hour" when everything is beautiful with a camera.

I decided to do the In-Room Dining (Room Service) and ordered a chicken quesadilla and a Reuben sandwich with onion rings. They were delicious. Probably not worth the thirty bucks that I paid for it...but still, it was scrumptous. While my mom watched her antique roadshow, I filled out postcards & read my "Fart Proudly" book with an occasional "Who the hell would pay $2000 for a hundred year old butter churner? It probably doesn't even work. Didn't we see that at the museum today? It was free admission." Then we watched a Discovery Channel show about the Underground Ruins of Rome...because we're nerds like that. Slept in a Ritz-Carlton bed again. Amazing!!!

Day 6 - Return of the Jedi

I dropped postcards off at the front desk when we checked out & the beautiful blonde with those hypnotic blue eyes was there...with her hair down this time. "I can take those. Did you enjoy your stay with us, sir?" "Beautiful...and the hotel was great too." "(Giggles) Glad to hear it. I hope that you & your mother get back safely." "Me too. By the way, my mom thought that you were hitting on me the other night when you walked us to the elevators...but I explained the Service Values to her." "(Laugh) Oh well, that's cute of her...but I'm already spoken for." "I figured as much. He's a lucky man. Well, have a great day...and I hope to talk to you again on a return to St. Louis some day." "You too." Why did I mention that story? There's a message - Make Awkward Social Advances, Not War!!!

We ate at a nice Italian place called the Pasta House Company near the hotel. The Tortellini Carbonara was delicious. They had a lot of movie posters for old movies in Italian...and we even got to sit next to a couple of guys that I swear I had seen on the Sopranos before. I'd hate to say that they're the stereotypical Italian-Americans...but I can't really describe them better than that. It was great people watching.

Then I get a call from Haji (I kid you not, his name was Haji) with US Airways that my flight had been delayed...so they rescheduled me for some three hours later. Yippee!!! That gave me ample time to finish my "Fart Proudly" book (which I think you all should read if you get the chance & can get past the Old English grammar). I'll be glad to give a full review at a later date...but I just don't want to now. I didn't really meet any interesting people at the airport this time...but I got home around 10:00 and my dad drove me home...because he's awesome. That's was my trip. I hope that you enjoyed it.

GINORMOUS ANNOUNCEMENT OF THE DAY!!!

As previously mentioned, I will be an uncle again soon...and today my brother & sister-in-law found out that their next child...will be a BOY!!! The Bloodline will be continued!!! Behold, my nephew...and your future GOD!!!

Oh, he may be little more than a tiny growth now...but you just wait until he develops into the superhuman being who shall conquer this world & everything in it!!! I know that my sister-in-law can't wait until he develops...poor girl. Ladies, thank you for taking on the burden of childbirth. God, thank you for blessing me with a penis. It's truly appreciated. Have a great night everybody!!!