My Love of Brandy

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

So...how much do I love my Poor Man's Maybach, Brandy? How does one measure love? Is it a unit of volume...like liters of gallons sweat or blood spilled for her? Unit of distance...like how far you would physically go to make something better...or how far you'd travel with her (up to 210,000 miles now)? Unit of heat...need I say more with this heat wave going through Utah this past week? Well, since I didn't have proper measuring devices for those units, I think I'll just resort to the units of American currency that I've used this past week on her upkeep. Now, I realize that a lot of you pay hundreds of dollars per month on a car payment...but this is kind of a big deal to me...and keep in mind...that it would be a LOT more if I didn't have a great father, his great mechanic, and a newer car.

$350 - 6 months of full coverage insurance
$120 - Windshield
$350 - Air conditioning (a must for Vegas)
$180 - Fix steering wheel
$400 - Fresh new tires (Uniroyal Tiger Paws)
$100 - Safety, emissions, & registration
$100 - Tuneup (plugs, wires, belts, cap, rotor, etc)
$60 - Full synthetic oil change (every 3000 miles)
Grand total - About $1600 (and don't forget gas)

Sure, it's all needed...but still, hurtin' my pockets, son. It'll be like a new car though...and when all the work's done, I'll have to give her a good wash & wax so that she can bling in the summer sun.

NBA Draft Tonight - Basketball's Christmas 2008 Edition is later today...and my predication, a lot of trades...including the top picks. Why? It worked for the Celtics this year when they traded the #5 pick last year (Jeff Green) for a veteran (Ray Allen) and they ended up winning a championship instead of rebuilding. Don't worry, I'll save all of my insight & analysis until tomorrow when the draft is actually finished...but I think that my brother from another mother Kevin Love is being severely underrated in this draft...and just because he looks a little on the chunky side. I think he'll be a great player for a long time...and most mock drafts have him going around pick number ten. Keep your eye on that guy. More tomorrow...

Last night after running around, I met up with my mom, ordered up some Chinese food (still lots of leftovers), and get a few movies. The movie that I picked was "10,000 BC" starring Steve Strait ("The Covenant") and Camilla Belle ("The Quiet" & "When A Stranger Calls") and narrated by the great Omar Sharif. The story is...well, it's not historically accurate by any means...but it's about a tribe of mammoth hunters who are pillaged by a group of...I don't know, maybe Vikings...and they take a bunch of the people as slaves to unknown lands to the hunters. Yet because one of the girls taken is SUPER hot (and the prophecy says so), a small group of hunters go to save them. Along the way, there's African tribes, sabre-toothed tigers, giant moas (prehistoric birds that apparently act like raptors), the Egyptian pyramids, and a lot of other things...but as long as you are a master of disbelief & not history, it's quite the enjoyable movie. It's like a mix of "Apocolypto" and "Last of the Mohicans" (because it's mostly in English). It's a pretty good exciting flick.

The movie that we picked was "The Bucket List" with Jack Nicholson & Morgan Freeman. As you may have seen on the preview, it's about two elderly strangers who are about to kick the bucket, so they make a list of things that they want to do before that happens. It's a great movie with a few touching moments, a lot of one-liners from Jack, and a lot of trivial facts & narration from Morgan. I say check it out. It makes you think about the time that you have here & what you should be doing to make it better for yourself & others, a subject that I tend to think about a lot...but not do as much as I would like. Perhaps I'll have to put some thought into this & make a Bucket List of my own. I'll have to get back at you with that though.

One possibility may have already slipped away...as earlier this week, Adriana Lima was proposed to by her boyfriend Marko Jaric. Now, through the sweet power of delusion, I may think that I'm a better match than him...but as long as she's happy, that's what's important. Congratulations to both of you...and don't forget to invite me to the wedding. Can you imagine the lineup of bridesmaids? I wonder if they'll be wearing angel wings...and hideous seafoam dresses that look like something out of a sci-fi movie.

Well, that'll pretty much do it for today. More errands to run, more work on the car (and a few stops by the bank), going to the Arts Festival tonight, should be a fun little day. Have a great day everybody!!! Make the most out of it!!! Cross something off your Bucket List when you get the chance!!! Let me know if any of you want to go skydiving. I have yet to do that...and it's on the list.

Welcome to You're "Doom!"

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I called up my future employer yesterday...and they haven't made a decision yet but remembered my name, apologized for the longer than expected wait, and appreciated my feedback. So basically smoke was blown...and yes, it did tickle a little bit. Hopefully I'll know in the next couple of days...but since I've had nothing better to do, I've been packing a little bit. I'm kind of a pack rat though...so now I have to come up a way to find out what I'm going to need...and hock the rest at a yard sale. A time frame and some information about all of this would be awesome...but I work with what I've got. I have a crap load of engineering, marketing, and other school books...and I know that there's a 99% chance that I'm not going to read them...basically because I rarely did when they were part of the curriculum...so why would I later on? Yet I still can't come to part with them knowing that I spent about $100 a pop. Maybe I can make a sofabed mattress out of them or something. Wait! What's tofu made out of? Isn't it newspaper? Would books work? I don't know. Maybe I should call a bookstore to see if they might gimme a few bucks for gas money or something.

Last night, JL Clyde & I went to have some sushi at Yoshi's Japanese Grill near my house...and it was actually really good. For about $6 you get some great sushi & rolls in a variety of mixes...and there's edamame and all of that kind of stuff too. Not body for a sushi lover on a budget...and surprisingly filling. After that, we watched the first season of "Frisky Dingo" because she had never seen it...and it's hilarious...and of course she liked it. Full of quirky, over-the-top fun...and just really out there at some points. I mean...there's an underground killer bunny prize fighting ring involved...and that's merely a background. You'll enjoy it...or your money back.

While packing, I watched "Semi Pro" starring Will Ferrell, Woody Harrelson, and Andre Benjamin about a one-hit disco wonder Jackie Moon (Ferrell) who owns, coaches, plays, and announces for an ABA franchise called the Flint Tropics. The team is horrible, nobody goes to watch the games, but that doesn't really seem to matter until the league talks about folding...except for four teams that will merge with the NBA (GO SPURS!!!) at season's end. Anyway, it's a comedy...and it has it's moments...but it's like the last few Will Ferrell films where it gets a few laughs but really levels off quickly. There's some great frontal nudity though...so feel free to check it out if you want...and wait for Will Ferrell's next movie that I foresaw in a dream. It'll continue the trend.

I was surprised today to get a call from my Wingman, who was in town for some graduation party thing tonight...but had a few hours to burn. We tried to see if "Harold & Kumar Go to Guantanamo Bay" was playing...but it's only at two theatres in the state still with a showing at 9:45 PM & midnight. We still may go see it...but we'll see how it goes. Neither of us have work tomorrow...and the first Harold & Kumar is a classic. So we decided to go have lunch at Hooters. Now, I know what you ladies are thinking (and what the guys are thinking too) and we were just driving around...and had a theory behind it. You see...if you're expecting an important call, the easiest way to make the person call...is to put yourself in an awkward situation. On the small scale, if you do something like...go to the bathroom, they'll call. If it's a big thing (like Vegas), then you go to a strip club...but because we were hungry & Tuesday afternoons don't have the best lineup, we decided to go to Hooters.

Sure, the waitresses aren't the best. They spill stuff, your orders are always wrong, their friends/former waitresses show up and talk about their battle with alcohol poisoning over the weekend, and you still can't help but stare at their tattoos strategically placed in very sexual positions on their fake bronzed bodies (I think it was the Aerosmith logo), but the burgers are pretty good (bleu cheese, bacon, beef, and grilled mushrooms), the wings are wings (prefer breast meat...but that'll get you kicked out), the Coronas are cold, and when you need a break from staring you can watch ESPN2 kickboxing...and BS with your buddies. Good times. So that's our fascination with Hooters. Mystery solved. Oh...and I didn't get a call. I know that's why you were reading through my rant to begin with.

After lunch, we headed back to my place and had a few hours to burn, so we watched "Grandma's Boy" because he had never seen it before...and it's hilarious. It's about a 35-year old video game tester (Allen Covert) who's kicked out of his apartment and forced to live at his grandma's with her two elderly roommates. Meanwhile, there's a new video game with a deadline, blah blah blah, it's just a great funny stoner movie that you'll laugh your ass off watching. My Wingman also informed me that one of our former classmates is a video game tester. Lucky guy. There's karate monkeys, Frankenstein, video games, lots of dick & fart jokes, and Linda Cardellini doing sexy drunken karaoke to "Push It" by Salt 'n' Pepa. That's hot. Not sure how else to sell this movie to you. Check it out.

RIP Bo Diddley - Rock & Blues legend Bo Diddley died of heart failure at his Florida home yesterday at the age of 79. He influenced just about everybody to pick up a guitar and make something with it...and had a distinctive beat...but never reached the superstar status of those that he influenced. In 1955 Diddley appeared on "The Ed Sullivan Show" and was promptly banned from further appearances because he defied Sullivan's instructions to sing a cover song and instead performed his own hit "Bo Diddley." Diddley had harsh words for the direction black music had taken in recent years, telling Reuters that "gangsta" rap made his blood boil. "I hate it. I call it rap-crap," Diddley said in a 1996 interview. "I can't seem to get my records played but they'll play all this garbage." Well, I truly am sorry that your heartfelt rock wasn't exactly radio friendly...but your legend lives on, Mr. Diddley.


Well, there's really not much else to tell today. Been kind of a slow day just sitting here keeping busy and getting ready for something that may or may not happen...just like any other day really. Oh well, hopefully the Wingman's doing okay after his graduation thing and will want to go see Harold & Kumar...but if not, it's all good. I'm sure that I'll be able to entertain myself somehow. Any ideas? Gimme a call. In the meantime, have a great night!!! Let me know if any of you may be interested in buying my extra furniture and/or reading materials. Oh...and "Kung Fu Panda" comes out this weekend...so go support pandas in Hollywood...and think of my silly ass.

I Need A Sex Tape

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Watched some more great basketball games last night…and the San Antonio Spurs have moved on to the next round to face the New Orleans Hornets. They're still obviously my pick to win it all…because they play basketball smart, have been together for a LONG time (especially by NBA standards), and just have talented role players from top to bottom…and three of the best in the game - Timmy Duncan, Manu Ginobili, and Mr. Eva Longoria himself, Tony Parker. VIVA PARKER!!! Oh yeah, during commercials I flipped back & forth between the game & "Mr. & Mrs. Smith" on FX again. I just like that movie. Funny, sexy, action-packed, Angelina, secret agents, even Vince Vaughn in small doses. Great flick. Anyway, not much else other than we have somebody from corporate visiting (my Boss Lady's Boss' Boss' Boss) and we get fed this afternoon. Oh…and I'm in my suit…with a new dress shirt. So fresh, so clean. My mom's coming into town for dinner tonight…but being my mom, she has no idea when or where…just that she's coming. Love ya, mom!!! Now for some news...


Voodoo Child Sex Tape - Vivid Entertainment (who I'm told is some sort of adult entertainment movie company…that I swear I've never heard of or am familiar with any of their stars) says that they have obtained…and therefore will soon be releasing another celebrity sex tape…and this one is Jimi Hendrix from forty years ago. I know!!! I was surprised that VH1 was going "Behind the Music" back in the sixties…but apparently they've been around for while. The 11 minutes of footage, reportedly shot in a hotel room about 40 years ago, allegedly features Hendrix engaged in various sexual acts with two women (That's it? Must have been a slow night). Vivid said they consulted with experts to authenticate the footage but Charles R. Cross, author of the Hendrix biography "Room Full of Mirrors," has seen the film and doubts the man is Hendrix. "This is somebody that looks like Jimi or is pretending to look like him, but it certainly didn't look like a dead-on match to me." Seattle-based representatives for Hendrix's estate declined to comment about the tape. As many of you already know, Jimi's been gone since 1970 due to the rock & roll lifestyle…and overdosing on it…but the reason I mention this stuff is just because it's good to hear him in the news once in a while. Even if it's an adult film company trying to make bank on his name…and probably will whether it's really him getting a Brazilian Snowcone or not. The point is…when you become a celebrity…and this goes for all of you out there…release a sex tape…but make sure that it's done professionally…and that you get the money in advance. That's just another entrepreneurial tip from a man who's just waiting to become a celebrity…and find a costar or two…because honestly, WWJD - What Would Jimi Do?


Monkey See, Monkey Do Do - I rag on Hogle Zoo here in Slick City a lot…because I've seen others. However, some interesting recent news out of there as doctors performed eye surgery on Eli, a 10-year-old howler monkey with a Biblical name. The zoo was first tipped to the bad eyesight by steadily increasing patron comments on Eli's poor marksmanship with his feces tossing. He can't follow an eye chart, of course, but Eli's caretakers believe he can see better for the first time in years. Doctors removed cataracts from Eli's eyes Monday and replaced his natural lenses with acrylic ones designed for children and should last for the rest of his life. Within an hour, veterinarian Nicole MacLaren says the monkey was "running around and acting like he can see." No word yet on whether or not this monkey will be the super advanced monkey that leads to the downfall of the human race…but I'll be sure to keep you posted…or at least try to get a picture of him next time I got to the zoo. Congratulations to Eli and the talented team of doctors that performed the procedure.


North Carolina Connection - As mentioned yesterday, the NBA's Charlotte Bobcats (most famous for being owned by the President of BET and part-owned by North Carolina alumni Michael Jordan) announced that they had hired North Carolina alum Larry Brown as their new head coach…to go along with assistant coaches Phil Ford (North Carolina) and Dennis Williams (South Carolina, just to be different). It's believe that Brown will help to maximize the potential of the team's young talent, including former UNC players Raymond Felton & Sean May) and experienced veterans like Jeff McInnis…of where else? UNC. Larry Brown was an Olympic caliber basketball player when he played at UNC in the 60's, then signed on to coach at Davidson (in North Carolina) only to quit before coaching a game to coach…the ABA's Carolina Cougars. Yeah, from there he basically stayed a few years with eight other NBA teams, coached college at UCLA and Kansas, and is now with his 9th NBA team…where he may stay for a few years…but I can understand because his mama lives in North Carolina.


The moral of the story: Go to North Carolina!!! Sure, you may have to wear baby powder blue clothing to show your affiliation…but you're basically guaranteed a job with the Charlotte Bobcats…which is the NBA's version of a fraternity. Okay, not really…but still, it's kinda funny, right? No? Alright, well…just a prediction…but watch the Bobcats during the draft this June…and see who they pick. They would have certainly taken NCAA Player of the Year Tyler Hansborough if he dropped to the 8th pick in the draft…but he decided to stay for his senior year (for some reason). However, there's still guards Ty Lawson, Wayne Ellington, & forward Danny Green…at least in the second round. Only time will tell...


Grand Theft Auto IV - My brother sent me a text message last night that said simply "Get It!!!" Bro, you know I've been trying…but I guess I'm just too picky…or too much of a prude or something. Of course, he wasn't taking about me getting IT…but rather the video game "Grand Theft Auto IV" which was released on the PS3 yesterday…and it made hella bank. According to a semi-reliable source (my brother), the game is "pretty f**king awesome." I told him to sell me on one text message…and he responded with "Bob Marley has his own radio station, darts & bowling using six axis, strip clubs & f**kin', great graphics, a lot of changes in controls, & bad ass cars." Not sure on his list of priorities…or what they really have to do with the game about an Eastern European immigrant who runs drugs, shoots cops and beats up prostitutes after falling in with a crime syndicate…but it could be a lot of fun. Here's the real question though, will I buy it? Possibly. Certainly not based on his award-winning sales pitch…because I already have a dart board, Bob Marley CDs, bad ass cars, lasik surgery that leads to great graphics, and strip clubs within walking distance. However, it's a lot of fun sometimes to just take up a bunch of guns, grenades, and prostitutes…and just go on an all-night shoot-em-up bender, blasting helicopters, SWAT teams, and innocent bystanders after a long day at work…and it'd be a lot safer for me if I were to do that on television rather than going out Scarface-style on State Street. Time will tell.


That'll do it for today. Mom's visiting, Filly has a play, JL Clyde's friend's band has a concert, Boss Lady's Boss' Boss' Boss is here, I'm lookin' supadupa fly. Should be a good day…despite the cloudy weather. Have a great day everybody!!! Feel free to gimme your opinion on the Jimi video…or anything else really.

Starts Out Lame But Stick With It

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Today is a big day for celebrity birthdays!!! First and foremost, I would like to wish a very special 69th birthday to one of the greatest singers of all time, Mr. Marvin Gaye. A two-time Grammy winner (Fergie has three), he began his singing career in 1961 as an artist on Motown Records and then quickly became their most popular entertainer during their most popular time. His mix of R&B, doo wop, contemporary soul, and straight baby-makin' music has inspired (and spawned) generations. Yet amid his inspiring songs and harmonious melodies, was a sensitive man devastated by personal demons and tragedies. In the late 60's, he teamed with the beautiful singer Tammi Terrell and released a few outstanding records. However, during a performance in 1967, she collapsed into his arms on stage…and was later diagnosed with a brain tumor. Over the next three years, she died slowly before Marvin, causing him great depression. Then shortly after her death, he released his most popular album, "What's Goin' On?", a landmark album…as it was probably the first concept album and is still a pinnacle moment in soul music. He had continued success over the following years and by 1983 was winning Grammys for another of his signature tracks "Sexual Healing" but was battling depression and a cocaine addiction. Health problems came from those…and he eventually isolated himself by moving into his parents' house. Apparently, he threatened to commit suicide after bitter arguments with his Reverend father, Marvin Sr. The day before his 45th birthday, an argument started over misplaced business documents…and his father shot Marvin…proving fatal. A tragic ending. We've all heard the classics. Hell, "Let's Get It On" was my first karaoke track (Camb was there) and his greatest hits have been present on a few makeout sessions. His songs of Love, heartache, change for the better, they are still as popular today as they were nearly a quarter-century ago…and I'm proud to have them on my iPod. So when you lay that special someone down tonight, don't be afraid to tell them how you feel…and if you can't come up with the right words…let Marvin help you out. "Baby, I'm hot…just like an oven…and I need some lovin'. Baaaaaby, I can't hold it much longer. It's getting stronger…and stronger…and when I get that feeling, I want sexual healing. Sexual. Heeeealing. Oh baby, makes me feel so fine…and it helps to relieve my mind." You may need to ad lib a little bit and really act it out…using hand gestures and whatnot…but the message is clear.

Also celebrating posthumous birthdays today are Alec Guinness, the actor who played Ben Kenobi in the original Star Wars trilogy who would be turning 94 and Buddy Ebsen, the actor who played Jed Clampett on "The Beverly Hillbillies" & Barnaby Jones would be a solid century old this day. Famous fairy tale author Hans Christian Andersen would be 203 years old…if he were a warlock of some sort. Man, I'm kind of bummed talking about dead celebrities now. Sorry about that…but still pay tribute to Marvin tonight if you can…and maybe get a little bundle of joy out of it. It's the Circle of Life.


Putting the Fun Back in Funeral - Have you ever wanted to attend the funeral of a loved one…but just couldn't make it due to work, flight schedules, or some other obstacle? Me neither. However, in Britain, Wesley Music is setting up a sort of pay-per-view funeral webcast for those unable to attend these solemn events…yet can't make it…for a one-time fee of 75 British Pounds (about $150). Director Allan Jeffrey says, "Families are dispersed across the world these days and sometimes it's the case that someone cannot get home in time for a funeral. For those who need it, this is a very important service. It means that rather than being excluded, they can at least witness and be a part of a funeral as it happens. In a time of stress this is something that can ease the pain." On the real, it's not really that bad of an idea…and fairly cost effective given what funeral homes & crematoriums charge for other services…but yeah, not my cup of tea. Why do I mention it then? It's an interesting concept in a weird sort of morbid way…and it kind of went with the previously mentioned birthdays. I just pray that none of you will ever have to use it. Anyway, let's get some funny stuff out here now.


Last night, Bubbles was driving back late to Vegas with another load of boxes...and her full grown lab puppy Brutis. Around Cedar City, she was getting a little sleepy & knew that I was getting off work, so we kept each other entertained over the phone for a few hours (except for occasional breaks due to cellular phone service). Around 4 AM, she sent me a text that she had seen her new home in Vegas…and she loves it. She's moving in with a fellow coworker. It sounds like she's really enjoying her move to Vegas, which is great. Now she has her dog Brutis for company too…and a roommate…and her roommate's 6-year old daughter. She may want more privacy before she knows it…but we'll see. Hopefully it reduces her stress immensely. Now for some news...


Worst Possible Hiding Place - Two Buffalo police officers were checking out drug activity in a neighborhood late Monday night when they spotted 25-year old Bernard Fincher Jr. walk up to a doughnut box, pick up a white object, and place it in his pocket. Fincher walked away, then went back and placed a white object back in the box. The officers moved in and checked out the carton, which was empty of doughnuts but contained some crack cocaine. He was obviously arrested…but of all the places in your home and on your person to hide something from police officers, why a doughnut box? The fact that it was empty of doughnuts would only infuriate them. Maybe it's that whole hiding in plain sight thing. I don't know…but I know one thing's for sure. Like Buffalo born & raised Rick James said, "Cocaine's a hell of a drug."


Naked Kiwi Vengeance - An off-duty constable was asleep at his home in Balclutha, in the lower South Island of New Zealand, when his wife woke him in the early hours. When the policeman realized the sound his wife heard was someone attempting to start the couple's car, he didn't let the fact he was stark naked hold him back, bursting out the door with nothing more than a torch. The offender bolted with the officer in hot pursuit but was soon after picked up by a police patrol. This brought back memories of when my father (former cop) did something similar when my car was being broken into about seven years back. Needless to say, those thieves never came back to our house again. There was one major difference though. My dad had a baseball bat instead of a torch. I'm really just surprised that there was a lit torch ready to go. Granted, I've never been to New Zealand, so it may have been a farm community or something and torches are their only means of illumination…but still, there's something primally fearful about a naked man chasing after you with a large burning stick. Were I trying to steal his car, I'd probably shat myself as well.


Man Escapes From Jail, Nobody Notices - In San Antonio, Texas, law enforcement officials are trying to understand how a convicted felon managed to escape from a privately owned jail...across the street from the police headquarters...without anyone noticing his absence for a full day. 35-year old Esequiel Pena apparently escaped by pulling back chain-link fencing around a rooftop recreation yard and climbing down an eight-story fire escape. Not exactly the next season of "Prison Break" but okay. The U.S. Marshall Service wouldn't say why it took so long to discover that he was gone…but I have a theory. How many of you have been watching basketball recently? Sunday afternoon, the University of Texas & the University of Memphis basketball teams were playing a highly-anticipated Elite 8 NCAA tournament game (which Memphis eventually won 85-67). Also, Sunday evening was an NBA basketball game between two of the league's top teams, the San Antonio Spurs & the Houston Rockets (which the defending champion Spurs won 109-88). It was during this time…that Pena made his escape…while the guards were probably checking their March Madness picks and/or rooting for their hometown four-time world champion Spurs instead of doing their boring checks of inmate presence. It may be a lazy theory…but the answer is often the simplest solution. Moral of the story: Basketball will set you free. Just wait until the report is released. We'll see if I’m right. GO SPURS!!!


On a final note, I'm sorry for my kind of morbid start to this entry…and I thought I would make it up to you with some tasteful photography that I found courtesy of the latest issue of GQ Magazine (Gentlemen's Quarterly indeed) starring my destiny, Adriana Lima. Have a great night everybody…and don't be afraid to enjoy this proof of God's majesty (and the existence of Photoshop maybe). Woosaaaah...

"Oh $teve, come sit on beach with me."

"I shouldn't. You dating that one guy...Marko Polo or whatever."

Apparently, girls like the chase...

"Help me!!! I am caught in ze net!!!"

"That's hot...but you can easily escape. Where's your suit now?"

"Would you like me to fan you, Senor Love?"

"It's Doctor Love. Please, let's try to keep this professional."

"Okay doctor, is time for checkup."

"Ah hell, I can't say no to you."

(This is usually where the alarm goes off)

Congratulations to Bubbles & JJ

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

First & foremost, congratulations to my hot friend Bubbles on getting a great new job in Las Vegas!!! Also, my other hot friend JJ accepted a similar position in Denver!!! Congratulations to both of you!!! After all the hard work I put into their resumes and emails and words of advice & encouragement, we were finally able to get them good positions. I'm just kidding because I was basically just there for moral support and as a thesaurus or something...but they'll be moving away soon…and that saddens me. It's okay though…because I visit Vegas fortnightly (or at least did before I started doing this blog and my job went down the pooper) so I'll be able to see her once in a while. Like I mentioned earlier, I already have two trips planned during the spring. Arrangements have just been made for the first one over Easter weekend in which I'll be taking my brother & sister-in-law with me for their 1st wedding anniversary (don't worry, separate rooms this time). I'm cool with Denver too. It is also reassuring that…if I ever wanted to get a similar job (which would involve leaving the state/country) that I would be more than qualified to do so. Anyway, congratulations Bubbles & JJ!!! Let me know when the Going Away Party is.

This morning, I met up for breakfast with the Wingmans at Jim's Restaurant and it was very good, very inexpensive (about $5 for a great full breakfast of crispy bacon, pancakes, eggs, hash browns, and cranberry juice), and the waitress was very nice…which apparently never happens there. She was new. They have some nice homemade salsa there too. After that, we talked about the new prospect for my dating life, the trip to San Diego, and I helped them pack some stuff to move down to their house in southern Utah. Good times. We're really excited about this trip. They also suggest that I check out this video they got called "The Secret" and it was pretty good. It's more of a philosophical motivation movie about positive attitudes, Karma, and all that other stuff that I already live by…which is basically deny negativity's power over you and imagine the life that you want…and be willing to work for it…but don't forget to send out positive energy to everybody. It's a great little video…and I'm going to suggest it to several people who I think it'll help out. It's pretty cool.

For the entertainment part of this program, I'd like to start things off with an amazing post-Oscar collaboration of many of Hollywood's finest…coming together to back their boy, Jimmy Kimmel. Enjoy…


I couldn't help thinking through the entire last half with all the celebrities, "Was that Pat Benetar???" but it could have been Joan Jett too. It's been about twenty years since I've seen either of them. Still an amazing feat in calling in favors. Kudos, Mr. Kimmel.

Prize for Oddest Book Titles - They may not leap off the shelves into the best-seller category, but the books short listed for the oddest book title prize certainly grab the attention. Trade publication The Bookseller compiled a list of some of the craziest such as "I was Tortured by the Pygmy Love Queen" which recounts the tale of a fictional U.S. WWII fighter pilot who is captured by jungle pygmies led by a sadistic woman…and its sequel, "Go Ahead, Woman, Do Your Worst." Others include…

• "How to Write A How to Write Book" - An obvious knock-off of my "How to Blog About Your Blog" by Dr. Mookie Love


• "Cheese Problems Solved" - My guess, by bacon


• "Are Women Human? And other International Dialogues" - I'm going to say…yes


• "If You Want Closure in Your Relationship, Start With Your Legs" - Dr. Phil's latest?


• "People who Mattered in Southend and Beyond: From King Canute to Dr. Feelgood" - Which was only four pages long with the bibliography
  

Congress Wants to Probe Roger Clemens - What exactly is that going to prove? What he had for lunch? The steroids are going to be out of his system by now…or are they? Honestly the only time that I really care about baseball is when one's flying at my face or groin…or I need a few extra minutes…but why does Congress give a damn? Because kids look up to them? I'm sure that changed a long time ago. Are there really a lot of high school kids shooting steroids into their ass to get that edge…or is it just insulin because of their diet? I don't know the numbers…but if Congress wants to probe "The Rocket" then that's their thing. I just don't want to see it on the television anymore if that's cool with you. Wouldn't it be weird if they found out that Roger Clemens was an alien during their probe? What I anticipate…is that this will be drug out until…say October…and he'll be found guilty of steroid use, purgery, all that stuff…but then he holds a press conference with a good buddy - "My Fellow Americans, I asked you all here today to announce…that I am pardoning Mr. Clemens of all legal actions brought against him…and declaring his right arm a national treasure…and shall be preserved by the fullest extent of the taxpayer dollar." "Mr. President, why are you doing this?" "Well suckah, I'm ugh gonna tell you why. My job is done here in a few weeks…and by the time you guys can do anything about it, I'm outta here bitches." Then they finish it off by W & the Rocket singing "The stars at niiiight are big and briiiight (clap clap clap clap) deep in the heaaart of Texas. WEEEE-HOOOOO!!!"

Woman Stripped of Mayoral Position - That's right, I said may-oral position. Carmen Kontur-Gronquist was the mayor of a small Oregon town…until opponents found out that she once posed in her underwear on a fire truck and pictures were taken for her to be in a fitness contest before she was elected to office three years ago. A relative posted them on MySpace (a.k.a. the Devil) to improve the social life of the single mom…but apparently it fell into the wrong hands…and by a tally of 142-139 was voted out of office. Apparently, the opponents felt that it wasn't fitting for a mayor to be depicted that way…as a voluptuous single mother who knows how to get her freak on when she's not on taxpayer's time. Smut peddling may be wrong…but it's effective…like clubbing baby seals…or hooking up with drunk girls. However, I have a feeling that Carmen's social life has picked up due to the publicity…and feel free to drop by and say howdy to Dr. Love if you ever stop by Slick City. We'll talk about what one needs to do to become a mayor…and talk about whatever. It'll be a fun dinner. Guaranteed.

This Week in Racism - A kindergarten student with a freshly spiked Mohawk has been suspended from school. Michelle Barile, the mother of 6-year-old Bryan Ruda, said nothing in the Parma Community School handbook prohibits the haircut, characterized by closely shaved sides with a strip of prominent hair on top. "I understand they have a dress code. I understand he has a uniform, but this is total discrimination. They can't tell me how I can cut his hair." Principal Linda Geyer said the hair was a distraction for other students…and yes they can, "This was his third infraction. We felt that we were being extremely patient." However, I know racism when I read about it. Pure discrimination against the traditions of the Mohawk Indians…and their distinctive cultural heritage…and it needs to stop immediately. However, I am proud of Ms. Barile because instead of letting the Man get her down, she's simply enrolling her child into another school. Why? "(The haircut) is something that he really likes. When people hear Mohawk, they think it's long, it's spiked, it's crazy looking, and it's really not." Stand proud, fellow Native American (1/16th Ottawa & proud casino patron / dreamcatcher fashioner). As for the Ohio kindergarten, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Dress code? Racism? Kindergarten? Sounds like a Nazi camp to me. Fraulein Geyer, du ekelst mich!!!

Anyway, that's about it for tonight. It's been uber busy here at work with getting things squared away and saying goodbye to all the lovely faces moving on due to the 'reconstruction' of my workplace. Hopefully they'll all keep in touch (at least I know the cool ones will) but I'm sure that our paths will cross repeatedly…because I'm thinking positively as all of you should be. San Diego's coming soon…then Vegas shortly after. I'm so excited…and to be perfectly honest…I just can't hide it. Woohoo!!! Have a great day everybody!!! See you on Leap Day!!!

Beowulf Rules

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Only a few more days until I'll be basking in the glow of sunny San Diego and California's southern coastline. I got a call from the Wingmans earlier today and they are getting super excited about the trip. They're also super excited about introducing me to this hot young thing that they met at a hospital (nurse?). Apparently, she's a lot of fun, really good-looking, and "a lot like me" hopefully sans penis. "She has a boyfriend right now...but he's a douchebag, so we gave her your number. She'll probably be calling you soon, so don't be surprised." "She has a boyfriend?" "Yeah, but he's a douche. She wanted to go to Denver to try to be the Next Top Model or whatever...and he was like, 'You're not going to win, so we're not going' and stuff." "Hmm, positive self-image, unsupportive boyfriend, likes tall guys, sounds like I'm in. Wait, she has a boyfriend. Isn't that kind of a big deal?" We'll see how it works out, I guess.

Last night, I got home from work and decided to watch "Beowulf" featuring the voice talents of Sir Anthony Hopkins, John Malkovich, Ray Winstone, Crispin Glover, and others including Angelina Jolie. Directed by Robert Zemeckis ("Back to the Future", "Forrest Gump", etc.) so I expected it to be good...but I really enjoyed it. I had never read the story it's based off (though apparently one of the oldest action stories ever) but using the incredible CGI motion-capture, it was a great movie and genuinely entertaining. Oh...and Grendel's mother is Angelina in 3-D glory. That's worth price of admission right there. The "300" esque action is just extra. Great story with great antagonist...and the action is superb...even if the eyes are a little shifty at times...but really an amazing feat in filmmaking. I think anyway. You be the judge...and I'll check out Grendel's mom a few more times.

Smilin' Bob Shenanigans - Steve Warshak is the founder and president of Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals which distributes Enzyte and a number of other products that allegedly (love that word) boost energy, manage weight, reduce memory loss, aid restful sleep, make you smile uncontrollably, stiffen the magic stick, and an assortment of other "male enhancement" features. However, Mr. Warshak faces more than twenty years in ass-packin' prison and his company could forfeit many millions of dollars because a federal court jury found the owner guilty of conspiracy to commit mail fraud, bank fraud, and money laundering. Prosecutors claimed customers were bilked out of $100 million through a series of deceptive ads, manipulated credit card transactions and the company's refusal to accept returns or cancel orders. They said unauthorized credit card charges generated thousands of complaints over unordered products. Former employees testified that the company created fictitious doctors (Dr. Mookie Love thinks that is deplorable) to endorse the pills, fabricated a customer-satisfaction survey and made up numbers to back claims about Enzyte's effectiveness. So apparently, selling placebos is a booming business…but don't get caught. The best part about the story though…is that Mr. Warshak's MOM and other family members were convicted of the same stuff (business & family don't mix).

Why I'm Not Going To Watch This Year Either - Okay, so the first season of "Dancing With The Stars", I watched a few episodes…but it was purely for the greatest reason possible. I was getting to know my girlfriends' parents while she was recovering from heart surgery…and she was thanking me afterwards orally. I honestly don't even remember who won…but I think it was the Seinfeld guy. This year, the list of participants is a who's who of reality should-be's. Kristi Yamaguchi should be interesting. I still have a little crush on her…then again I haven't seen her since Lillehammer. Shannon Elizabeth, that's worth the price of admission right there…because it's free…and it's about time because I want my money back from "Thirteen Ghosts" damnit. Steve Guttenberg…is apparently still alive…and he gets my dark horse vote. Mrs. Andre Agassi a.k.a. Monica Seles will make it to the first show. Star of the NFL's worst team, Jason Taylor will make a brief appearance. Magician Penn Jillette's only chance is if he makes his partner's clothes disappear…and by partner, I mean the dancing partner, not that little mute guy Teller. How the hell is Marlee Matlin going to keep the beat? That should be interesting. I don't even know who Christian De La Fuente and Marissa Janet Winokur are. I don't think it's really fair to have R&B stars like Mario in the competition…because they have training. I think he should be replaced by Ron Jeremy…because he looks like Super Mario. My pick for the winner - Priscilla Presley…and not just because she's the bride of Elvis…but because she's still hot & I think she'll surprise a lot of people. Anybody taking bets? Didn't think so. Let me know how it goes. The show starts March 17th.

How To Steal a Bridge - Police in the western Czechoslovakian border town of Cheb have launched an investigation into the theft of a four-ton railway bridge. Police spokesperson Martina Hruskova said in a lovely accent, "We are not sure if it was taken for personal use or for its scrap value. It is the first time we have dealt with this type of theft." Personal Use? Really? Like somebody needed a stretch of railroad track to finish up their California King-sized train set. Maybe something to compliment the landscaping in the backyard. A conversation piece strategically placed outside the breakfast nook. "Oh my, you've changed this living room somehow. Did you rearrange the furniture?" "Why yes. Then again, I had to because of the new metro stop conveniently located next to the armoire." "That's what's different. Did you stumble upon that at a yard sale?" "Oh-ho-ho no, it happened to have fallen from a truck whilst I was driving neh its rear." "Smashing." Anyway, best of luck to them in finding the railroad section. The logistics involved suggests KGB…but they don't exist…and never have. Period. Stop asking questions about us.

I Predicted Wrong (Gasp) - Alas, it appears that a bold predication that I made many months ago will not come to pass…for 7'5" center Yao Ming of the NBA's Houston Rockets has suffered a stress fracture in his foot…and will be unable to play for the remainder of the year. Thus nullifying any slim chance that he had…of becoming this year's Most Valuable Player. Though voted a starter to the All-Star Game last weekend and having an amazing year where he was averaging 22 points and 10 rebounds per game, while still holding the title of NBA's tallest player, and currently riding a 12-game winning streak, he suffered the injury…and had an emotional press conference. It really is a shame…and I hope that he makes a full recovery…and fulfills my prediction for next year - YAO MING WILL BE THE 2009 MVP!!! Why you ask, when my favorite team the Spurs play their home games inches on the map away in San Antonio? Because I have no doubt…that Yao Ming will come back stronger, faster, and more resilient than before. We have the technology. He's a 7'5" Chinese man. Tell me that technology wasn't involved in that. Anyway, hopefully he'll be ready to play by the time the Olympics come around. He's basically the symbol of Chinese athleticism...and an international icon. Get well soon, big guy!!!

Runaway Lawnmower Kills Monk - If there was 'naked' or 'hooker' in there somewhere, it would essentially be a perfect headline…but alas it is true. Reverend Seiji Handa was cutting the grass around his peace pagoda in the English city of Milton Keynes when the accident occurred last August. He got out of the tractor to inspect something but the vehicle, which was pulling a multi-bladed grass cutting machine, slipped its handbrake…and mulched him. Truly a tragedy…and I feel really bad for laughing about it…yet I can't seem to stop. I have a friend from high school who had a similar tragedy…but it was basically his older brother (kind of an idiot) running over his leg with a lawnmower while he was napping in the front yard. That's how he tells it…but that sounds…suspicious to say the least. So anyway, he has a prosthetic leg…and his brother still gets to be an idiot. Be careful with lawnmowers, ladies & gentlemen. Don't let your kids operate them either. They don't have the coordination or brainpower to fully grasp the concept. It's true. Don't believe me? Ask a friend of yours who knows them. "I wouldn't trust that boy with a ketchup popsicle, less a piece of heavy machinery." Anyway, I digress. Be safe out there with your lawn maintenance.

Viking Women Dressed Provocatively - Inspired by Beowulf, analysis of the remnants of from a woman's wardrobe discovered in a 10th century Russian grave shows that Viking women had a bit more flare in their garments before the introduction of Christianity. Imported colored-silk gowns adorned with metallic breast coverings and long trains may soon be found…throwing doubt upon the previously thought-to-be prudish nature of Viking wear (coupled with the sub-zero temperatures). Textile researcher Annika Larsson said, "When Christianity came, the dress was more like that of nuns. There was a big difference." Larsson discovered a blue silk dress and associated ornaments in a grave in the Russian region of Pskov and said it was positioned in a way suggesting it would be worn in the afterlife. The new finding reveals instead that a Viking woman's dress consisted of a single piece of fabric with an opening in the front. A pair of brooches, or clasps, was situated on top of the breasts to accentuate the wearer's figure. Now, after all that scientific mumbo jumbo, I'm sure that you've all been thinking what I've been thinking…about large Viking women in sexy attire…so without further ado, here they go. Have a great day everybody!!! Call now for natural male enhancement...

"KILL THE WAAAABIT!!! KILL THE WAAABIT!!!"

Arnold Rennt

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

Just a quick stop in work today before going home to yet another incredible Movie Night. As the title of this entry may indicate, in a six degrees of Kevin Bacon roundabout kind of way, I watched a movie the other day...that I just thought was great. It's called "The Running Man" (1987) starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, based on the novel by Stephen King, and directed by Paul Michael Glazer. Who's Paul Michael Glazer? Starsky...from Starsky & Hutch. That's your first hint as to how odd this movie was. You want a Arnold one-liner? They're ALL in this movie. Oh yeah...and Stephen King kinda wrote...but it's not his usual acid trip kind of kookiness. Based in 2019 Los Angeles, America is now a kind of socialist compound along the lines of every Philip Dick novel ever written. Arnie plays Ben Richards, a former soldier/officer with the government, but turns on them when he's ordered to kill innocent protesters, so he's thrown in jail...but he breaks out. Meanwhile, the greatest show in TV history's producer (played by Richard Dawson from the "Family Feud") sees footage of Ben's escape...and wants him on the next showing of "The Running Man." Basically, it's a four-quarter dash to the other side of a preserved part of south central or something where they send these wrestler-esque gladiators after the contestant to kill him. There's also a subplot about revolution against the socialist establishment and a love interest with an even worse accent than Arnie...but it's pretty good for a chuckle. I mean...Richard Dawson is the supporting actor. Oh...and there's another governor and an NFL legend in this movie too. Jesse "The Body" Ventura plays Captain Freedom, an undefeated "Running Man" gladiator / commentator / fitness guru with a bad toupee...and Jim Brown plays Fireball...for about two minutes. Sorry to spoil it.

My favorite part of it though...was a bit actor that I recognized from one of my favorite shows of all time. He plays Richard Dawson's bodyguard Sven in the movie...and his name...is Sven-Ole Thorsen. Sven is most famous to me for playing the unstoppable revolutionary juggernaut Tank on the short-lived TV series "Captain Power & the Soldiers of the Future" for all 22 episodes...but has been in over sixty movies. What movies you ask? Well, he played Tiger in "Gladiator", in the Conan movies he played Thorgrim in the original AND Togra in the sequel, Mercenary in "Lethal Weapon" & Henchman #2 in "Lethal Weapon 3", Nikolai in "Red Heat", Russian Officer in "Predator", the Demon in "Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story", Gunman in "Last Action Hero", Gunman at Motel in "Bulletproof", Russian Gunman in "Eraser", Thug in "End of Days", Mercenary in "George of the Jungle", Gutzon in "The Quick & the Dead", and probably most recognizable as LaFours in "Mallrats" for all you kids out there. He also had several key roles as Terrorist #1, Doorman, Prisoner, Birthright Thug, German Man, Viking, SS Body Guard, Bomb Victim, and Goon...but in smaller movies. Well, he was Goon in "The Rundown" that was pretty good. Anyway, it was good to see that he's still working (and not just some other big guy with a beard) and it made me want to watch "Captain Power" again...and a few other movies that I didn't know that he was in. I've already got "Kull the Conqueror" coming through the mail to see him as King Borna. Anybody looking for a great big extra in an action movie, give this guy a job.

Boy Scout Saves President - It sounds like a cheesy Disney movie called "Eye of the Eagle Scout" or something...but a quick-thinking Boy Scout foiled an assassination attempt on the president of the Maldives on Tuesday, grabbing an attacker's knife as the man leapt from a crowd and lunged at the leader, an official said. Mohammed Jaisham Ibrahim, wearing his blue Maldives scout uniform with a blue kerchief, was standing in the crowd to greet Gayoom on Hoarafushi, one of the 1,190 coral islands in the Indian Ocean that make up the Maldives. An attacker pulled a knife on President Maumoon Gayoom, Ibrahim reached out & grabbed it, cutting his hand a little in the process, and then the security guards jumped the attacker on a second attempt that ripped the President's shirt. That is awesome. Who knew that merit badges, camping trips, tying knots, making crafts, playing steal the flag, and all that fun stuff...would one day help you to foil an assassination attempt?

Glue? Are you Sure? - A 10-year-old Mexican boy named Diego glued his hand to his bed to avoid going back to school after the Christmas break. His mother Sandra Palacios was unable to free him and called paramedics and police to help. Diego watched cartoons while they worked to unglue him, eventually using a spray to dissolve the chemical adhesive. Resourceful kid...but not the brightest when it comes to playing hooky. Not that I've ever played hooky or anything...but there are definitely ways around going to school that are better, easier, and healthier than stapling yourself to the couch or something like that. Anyway, this kid should go to school anyway...at the very least so that he can learn these alternative methods. Stay in school, kids!!!

Are you sh***ing me? - In the nation's most dangerous city, they're considering a bill that would ban swearing in their drinking establishments. St. Charles, Missouri is a suburb of St. Louis...which is in an epic struggle with Detroit for the most dangerous city in America. To help Detroit win, this small town is considering banning NOT only swearing...but table-dancing, drinking contests, and profane music. My question: Why do you think I GO to bars? Number one, table-dancing. Number two, profane music. Number three, swearing with my friends. Number four, chicken wings & nachos. Number five, drinking contests with an audience...so as not to be considered an alcoholic. Next time I go to St. Louis, they'd better have some damn fine chicken wings. I'm talkin' finger f**kin' good wings. Oops, sorry about that. Can I get my cover charge back? No. Have you seen what urine does to paint on a fascade? Check it out in the morning. Anyway, here's today's movie list...in honor of "The Running Man" himself...

Arnold Schwarzenegger Movies - I still think he's the American Dream...and here's how he went from a Austrian immigrant bodybuilder with $20 in his wallet in 1968 to governor of California by 2003. Oh yeah...and the world's biggest movie star in between.

Medal Winners

Gold - Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991) - Obviously, his most famous role as the killer robot sent back through time to kill the unborn son of Sarah Connor in the original, then to protect the teenage kid in this movie, and ditto for the third protecting him from a supersexy pleasurebot...who I can only assume was going to screw him to death... at least in my script. This initial sequel was a masterpiece as far as action & the fairly new realm of CGI technology...and it was just a great, fun movie to watch. James Cameron makes great movie...usually. I'm not going to get into the whole time-travel plot anomolies...but I'm sure that everybody has seen this movie and thinks that it's awesome.

Silver - True Lies (1994) - James Cameron realizes that Arnie is box office gold...so they go for part two. This time, he's an American secret agent who reports directly to the cycloptic Charlton Heston...and has Tom Arnold as his cohort. Jamie Lee Curtis & Eliza Dushku at home. Tia Carrere on the side. Remember that whole American Dream thing? It's my theory that this movie was why the Patriot Act went through...but I could be wrong. Great flick. Maybe that'll be the Movie Night tonight...

Bronze - Conan the Barbarian (1982) - Rule #1 in making a Schwarzenegger movie - "Try not to have him talk...and if you do, keep it to one line." Case in point, Conan the Barbarian. I think it's about an hour into the movie before you heard any verbal noise coming out of his mouth...and half the time it's "KRUM!!!" Lots of action, loinclothes, wizards, virgins, extras chopped in half, Max Van Sydow, James Earl Jones, and the sequel had Wilt Chamberlain & Grace Jones. Oh...and long-time extra minion friend, Sven-Ole Thorsen is in both of them too.

Suggestion - Pumping Iron (1977) - A documentary into the world of world-class bodybuilding starring him & Lou Ferrigno ("The Incredible Hulk") among others. It's fairly interesting...but the main reason to check it out...is one scene where Arnie talks about why he bodybuilds. Keep in mind that it's in an Austrian accent, but he basically says, "I get the blood going through my veins...and it's like I'm cumming. I work out six hours a day...and it's like I'm cumming and cumming and cumming six hours a day. I can't think of another thing that I'd be doing where I get this sensation." Well, apparently movie star & governor causes him to continue cumming and cumming and cumming. I'm always pushing the educational stuff when I can...since all of his movies are fairly well known. Oh, check out "Red Sonya" (1985) where he's kind of a second star to Bridgette Nielsen for more barbarian action...or his first movie "Hercules in New York" that I saw years ago on USA Up All Night with Rhonda Shears...and he's dubbed. It's hella funny to watch.

Flush It - Batman & Robin (1997) - I wish I could express to you in words...EXACTLY how much I hated this movie. I mean...you've all seen it, right? Asked for your money back? Denied? Still have the stupidest of one-liners from Mr. Freeze in your head no matter how much scotch pumps through your brain? George Clooney isn't Batman. Batman doesn't have grey hair. Alfred does. Alicia Silverstone? As if. It's like a cartoon...but in the worst possible way. Oh...and when I say stupidest of one-liners...you know that I mean every word of it. "Everybody...chill." That's it. I'm getting out of here. He looks like a f**king Christmas Tree...or Tannenbaum, as it is back home. Damn you Joel Schumacher!!! How do you still find work? Your agent must be AMAZING!!!

Future Watch - Realization of the Demolition Man Prophecy (2012) - In the Sylvester Stallone action flick "Demoltion Man" (1993) there is, what many considered to be a joke while others...a prophecy, about Planet Hollywood co-founder buddy Arnold being elected President of the United States. Well, fifteen years later, it's not quite the same joke, is it? Sure, under the Constitution, only an American-born citizen can be elected president...but as the past decade has shown, when has the Constitution ever been followed? When it serves those in power? If I'm Obama or Clinton or Huckabee or McCain or Paul or whoever gets elected President this year, I'm going to try to make sure that the Constitution is upheld to...and any amendment to allow for foreign-born citizens to be elected President would have to be vetoed...otherwise he's banging a Kennedy in the Lincoln Bedroom like his predecessors. Sure, that whole admiring Hitler thing may come back to haunt him again...but keep in mind, he was raised in a German-speaking country. He had to learn German & Austrian history. Sure, he admired how Hitler got things done...but that doesn't mean he's on the pro-genocide side of the argument. It's the equivalent of saying you admire Christopher Columbus for sailing west to the end of the Earth...and kindly forget that he enslaved native tribes, acquired their resources, and effectively led to the genocide of two continents. By the way, Arnold, if you need a good Wingman to help you in your political discussions. I am ready and available. All I ask in return is to hook me up with a few people in Hollywood...mostly actresses. Now you may be asking, "What are his policies?"

Foreign Policy: Ever seen "Commando"? "Collateral Damage"? "Predator"? You mess with us. You get messed with.

Foreign Relations: "Red Heat"? Bringing nations together to stop Evil. Sounds like the President that I want.

Education Reform: The man was a Kindergarten teacher...and a cop...simultaneously. Not only will he make sure the kids stay in school...he'll whip them into shape too.

Religious Stance: "End of Days"? He kicked the Devil's Ass...or was it Kaiser Soze? Either way, he's a believer...but he's not going to let dieties run this country.

Stem Cell Research: "Junior"? He's the only man to have a baby. I think he's intent on keep it that way. "Twins"? How many Danny Devitoes does the world really need? "The 6th Day"? Clones!!! We don't need no stinkin' clones!!! I am ME!!! Get to the choppah!!!

Anyway, we'll see how it goes. That's good for the day. Anything you wanted to add Arnie, "To be...or not to be? (Castle explodes) Not to be." Okay, thanks for that timeless bit of literature. Hasta la vista, baby!!!

Part 3 - The French Perfection

Bon Jour y'all,

The stage is all set for next Thursday game between the Green Bay Packers and Dallas Cowboys...of which I have a ticket for...and both teams are at the top of the NFC with records of 10-1. First time since 1990 that teams with records like these have met up this late in the season. Last time it was the 49ers and the Giants. It's going to be a great game. Hopefully legendary. One of Brett Favre and Terrell Owens' last games (Predictions: TO gets clocked by a safety...and his career is over...FINALLY. Brett plays until his backup Aaron Rodgers is 32.) Can't wait...but I have a few days in Europe to blog about this morning before going to see the family.

Previously...on Rational Babboon's European Vacation, $teve (who refers himself in the third person sometimes like Bobby on "Shot at Love") was sleeping peacefully in his bunk bed on his way to the French Riviera. We now return you...to your program. (Law & Order chime)

Day 7 - Villefranche, France

After a shower in the test tube that passes for a shower on a cruise ship, the ladies & I went to have breakfast in the Windjammer Cafe. Fruit, corned beef hash, various styles of eggs (with shrimp occasionally), breakfast meats, passion fruit juice, bagel stations, and most importantly...an omelet station. See? You thought I was going to say pancakes...but even a cruise ship has its room for improvement. Oh yeah, it was mentioned on my exit survey. I believe the words "Ridiculous", "Questionable", and "Infectious" were used. During breakfast, We talked about the Art of Scarfing. No, not shoveling food into our mouths...but that's just a skill, not an art. Pat was going on about how much she likes European scarves because they're so much longer and she can do all kinds of things. My response: "Oh, I've heard that before. Allegedly, they hang low, can wobble to and fro, can be tied in a knot and/or bow, even thrown over your shoulder as if you were a continental soldier. Oh yes, they hang low." Another thing about traveling with elderly ladies, sometimes your quick witted reference to a popular children's song in silly conversations...isn't quite caught by the fading ears of experience. Oh well, hopefully it made your day. It sure made mine during an early morning. I crack myself up all the time.

After breakfast, we met up with our tour group and took a temper boat from the boat to the port of Villefranche in the south of France. Here are some shots from the temper of the seaside village. The large stone structure is a former sea fortress that is now a major bus station during tourist season. The bus drivers are incredible. They can fit those behemoths of modern automobility through former moats and passages intended for a horse. Yes, there were some recently exposed brick at some of the hairpin turns...but those were probably from the tourist drivers...certainly not our driver. Mad props.



Being Veteran's Day (which is also celebrated in France), there were a lot of morning parades and activities downtown, so we took the freeway to Cannes instead of the English Promenade (oceanfront drive along the bay) but we still found beautiful architecture...and some interesting architecture. For example, here's the new public library loathingly referred to by the locals as "The Blockhead."

This street was Rue de Renee.

It made me think of my sister-in-law.

Any Eagles fans out there?

Not football, music Eagles fans.

We arrived in Cannes after about an hour drive...and of course, I wanted to go to the convention center were the Cannes Film Festival is held...and see some of the handprints. Which international superstar actor has hands that can compare with those of the young up-and-comer $teve? Well, unfortunately Andre the Giant had never been invited to the festival...but I found a few to at least compare with...

Gregory Peck - To Immortalize a Mockingbird

Sophia Loren - Even in her seventies, she's still hot.

Michael Douglas - These hands have touched

Catherine Zeta-Jones...but they are no match.

The Great Charles Norris - Finally, a worthy opponent.

More than a knuckle on him...

Even the paw of the Pink Panther is no match.

This statue made me think of my mom.

Love ya mom!!!

We then had lunch at the Alba Restaurant (no relation to Jessica...and yes, I asked) and it was a delicous meal of salad, chicken, and sorbet. The discussion at the table turned political so I zoned out and people watched out the window as the older people ragged on my generation...and the younger one too. I know what you're thinking. "$teve, why didn't you stick up for yourself...if not your generation?" Because if you get into a discussion with anybody who was alive during World War 2 - War Harder, you're not going to change their opinion and you're going to lose. "Your generation hasn't had anything to test your muster. You weren't around for Dubya-Dubya Eye-Eye, son." "First off, you were FIVE...and a girl when Pearl Harbor was bombed. Secondly, sir, you're too young for Nam, so what wars did you participate in? The Star Wars? The Cola Wars? Thirdly, our latter-day Dubya is changing that as we speak...so give us some time...and those soldiers half a world away some respect. In the meantime...are you going to finish that sorbet?" Pictures of the harbor outside the window of the restaurant.

Can't think of a better name for a hotel here.

After lunch, we drove to the city of Grasse, home of several of the world's prominent perfumeries...and we visited the legendary Fragonard perfumerie, to see how perfume is made...and made expensively. If any of you are interested in the history, method, and key points of how a perfume is made...and want a bit of murder and/or Dustin Hoffman thrown in, check out that "Perfume: Story of a Murderer" movie that I blogged about a few months ago. It's actually really interesting...but since I really don't have a sense of smell, I picked the scents for the ladies back home based on the smells that it SAID it contains...and crossreferenced it with the impressions and knowledge of the ladies back home. So far, I chose wisely. Whew.

"Okay Charlie, I think I've got it. Bring me some jasmine,

some rose essence, some peach schapps, and sweat from

Adriana Lima's thighs. Hoo-hah!!!"

Next stop was the lovely hilltop mountain village of St. Paul-de-Vence. We approached there as the sun was about to set and walked down the main street (there was only two and the other was a back entrance and parking to the hotel and restaurants in this small town. Here are some beautiful pictures of the city...and the latter during "The Magic Hour" when everything is stunning.

A horse made out of Colts logos?

I don't get it...

Not the real "Thinker" but still cool...

Honestly, one of my favorite pics from the trip.

To me, the tree is like a brainstorming map.

Start with one thought and it branches out to others.

On the drive back to the boat, I sat next to a family of four from the Dallas area...and lucky me will be there next week, so I asked them about the cool stuff to see. Basically, it was the stuff that I already knew about...but they reaffirmed my suspicions. Big thanks to Ed & Julie, their son Matt, and 12-year daughter Kendall. You guys rock!!! Also, we drive back after the sun had set down the English Promenade and saw some of the beautiful hotels. As we went up the mountainside, looking down on the bay, it looked like a lovely diamond necklace sparkling along the coast. Beautiful.


Dinner on the ship included lobster bisque, escargots (oh yeah, I eat garlic snails), and filet of beef. Afterwads, I wanted to relax and watch some football (the exciting American version) and the Eagles were playing an early game...or so I thought...but when I got to the sports bar (only location were sports were allowed), they were watching football...but Beckham, not Brady. Oooh, Croatia and Portugal playing for qualification in next year's Euro 2008. Who cares? Outside of Croatia and Portugal obviously. "The center kicks it to the striker, back to the center, he holds. He holds. He HOLDS. He HOOOLDS. Back to the striker. HOOOOOOOLDS!!!" I went back to the room and watched paint dry...until I fell asleep.

Dreams - Day 7 involved the first episode of freaky dreams caused by unfulfilling motion in the ocean. Dream #1 was especially odd. I really only remember the few minutes before I woke up...but it involved my brother & I being at a farm and we were walking around. We walked into a barn or a stable or something. Inside we found animals like horses and cows and pigs and stuff...but they were stuffed, plush animals. There were also a few plush dolls walking around complete with button eyes and blonde & brown knotted dreadlocks (no redheads, believe me, I looked). If that wasn't creepy enough, they were walking along, kind of hopping, to the tune of "Lean Wit It" by Dem Franchize Boyz. Thinking this rather strange (and noticing some were walking towards us with sickles), Kiel & I hopped into a conveniently parked Cadillac and drove out of there...running through the dolls in a poof of stuffing and some rolling up on the hood. I was driving so my brother would reach over the windshield (droptop) and pull them off, rip them in half and toss them back. It's good to know that he's got my back...even in my dreams. "Look out!!! Horse!!!" POOF!!! "SHEEEEP!!!" Bump-bump-bump-bump... "Elephant!!!" I wake up face down in my pillow. Oh yeah, sometimes my dreams start in a Candyland fantasy...then switch to a muscle car chase movie. I think that I've mentioned this before...but now you know.

Dream #2 - Oh yeah, the night wasn't over. In the next one, I won the lottery. Wanna know the numbers? Okay, I'm willing to share the wealth if you are. The numbers were...5, 15, 25, 50, 55, and of course...69. Sure, that may seem like having a suitcase combination of 1, 2, 3, 4, 5...but that's what it was. Go forth and spread the Wealth. Also, one of my good ladyfriends was there to congratulate me. "I guess you just know how to pick 'em." "I have my moments." Why do I mention this? It wasn't the first time that she was in my dreams...but the first time since I had met her about 18 months ago. Think on that one for a second.

Sorry to sell you short, but I think today is only going to be this one day...because I'm going to see my family...and loading these pictures and adjusting them take a long, long time on my laptop. Don't worry, I'll be back tomorrow...and I'm thinking about giving you all three days in Italy. Sorry, I didn't mention this yesterday...but I'm very thankful for...

- My Family & Friends - I love y'all madly...twice
- My Health - Speaking of which, it's about time to donate blood again
- Smiles - Always glad to make you smile
- My Blog and other Blogs - It's been a lot of fun...and it keeps me from being really, really bored
- Readers of my Blog - You guys & gals rock!!!

- Pancakes - 'Nuff said...
- Soldiers Overseas - Nothing but Love for ya, come back safe & soon
- Your Mom - For her smiles & home cookin', not the other stuff. I'm sure that she's thankful for it though.

- Statute of Limitations
- Being a Wiseass isn't a Crime - Yet...

Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving with your families. Peace out!!!