A Brick Wants to Be Something More

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

There have been a few people who have said, "$teve, you haven't mentioned any of your kooky dreams lately. Are you still having them…or just not writing about them?" The truth is that if I were having good, entertaining dreams…then I would be more than happy to share them with you. However, for example, this morning I awoke to find myself lying with a beautiful, long dark-haired woman yearning for my touch…so I obliged her. Slowly but surely though, that damn logic of mine started kicking in. "Wait, I didn't go to bed with anybody last night. Oh crap, I'm dreaming again." Almost as instantly as I realized it, she started to fade away…like a ghost. "No, dammit. Go back to sleep, $teve. Deep breaths. You know she's not real…but you're still gonna lose her…" and then she evaporated in a heavy-panting mist leaving behind only a few warm blankets and silky sheets. It's a running theme with me. The more that I think about something, the more it seems to slip away, especially with dreams. Logic has become a pain in the ass for me. Wish I could say it was the first time (this week) that a dream like that has happened…but it's not. Why don't I share these dreams with you? Because you're probably already bored of me talking about this one…and it's not even a full paragraph. You like hearing about my frustration as much as I do…but rest assured, if I'm ever saving Australian scientists from giant snakes or saving Foxy from Transformers or saving kids from a tornado or anything else like that, I'll be sure to share them with you. Wow, I just realized that most of my dreams end up with me saving people. Maybe there's something to that...then again, I was also scared that I made sweet Love to a Terminator too. Anyway, I hope that answers all your questions that you may or may not have asked.

Yesterday, I officially applied for that THIRD job in Vegas so we'll see how that goes over the next few weeks. I'm expecting the other two to start making offers (or at least interview) soon…because I'll be out of town the next two weeks and it'd be inconvenient…which seems to be their style. It's all good though. I would love to do an interview while driving 80 MPH as I pass Lamont, Wyoming (population 3) where there may or may not be cellular phone reception with my mom talking in the seat next to me about changing the radio station because she doesn't like the song & doesn't know how to use buttons…then when the question comes up about multi-tasking, I will just laugh.

I also watched a movie that I hadn't seen before, "Indecent Proposal" with Demi Moore, Woody Harrelson, and Robert Redford. For the few of you who may not have heard about this movie, a billionaire (Redford) is gambling at a Vegas casino and his eye catches a lovely couple (Harrelson & Moore) and he invited them over for good luck. It proves effective, so he invites them up to his suite to discuss a proposition of one million dollars…for one night with your wife. Now, think about that for a moment. I have a good job that pays about well…but a million bucks is me AND my wife's salary for over the next decade…and it's offered in one night. Then comes in the Logic vs. Love conflict that made this movie really hard to watch…yet I couldn't turn away. Anyway, they go through with it (honestly, who wouldn't really? REALLY? Be honest, I won't judge). Redford's smitten with her…and he's a billionaire. Moore thinks that he's a great guy (and dynamite in the sack) but she's married. Woody's obsessed & insanely jealous because a billionaire just had relations with his wife. Conflict ensues…and I'd love to tell you how it ends…but I won't. You'll have to see it. I'll give you a hint though…a Hippo is involved. Now I know you're intrigued.

Anyway, back to the main question that the movie brings up: Would you do it? Now, you all know my resume (or lack thereof) when it comes to relationships. So keep that in mind, that I may be entirely & ignorantly blissful…or completely cynical at any time. Now, I'd like to say that I wouldn't even consider the offer because we can get by well enough without a million bucks (which would be less than half after taxes & stuff probably anyway). As it happens in this movie (and I would assume in real life if it ever came up), it was only considered after the wife brought it up as an option (since she's basically earning it) because who doesn't want to be a billionaire's girl…even for one night? So then you negotiate for more money (might as well) which didn't happen in this movie because he didn't speak with his lawyer first. Even then, I would think that if you were really in Love and trusted your partner, then it wouldn't be an issue. Sure, you'd have your thoughts…because again, who doesn't want to be a billionaire's girl…even for one night? Yeah, it's just a twisted little scenario…but I would think that Love would come through…because I'm an optimist. Worst-case, you lose out to a billionaire Robert Redford…and even though your heart is shattered into a million pieces, at least you didn't lose out to Bubba the car mechanic with a meth addiction. I don't know. What do you think? Discuss.

Best part of the day was in the evening when I hosted the $teve's Stayin' Here Rock Band party. There were a few last minute cancellations but Lilie, Mandy, Cat, Julie, and a few of the boy toys showed up and we had a rockin' evening well into the night. Great time was had by all!!! Here are some pictures…

The projector TV wall...and Sinatra on the right

Kyle & me guitar dueling to "Green Grass & High Tides"

Oh yeah, I'm $teve DeSexy

DAMMIT!!! - So apparently the reports about Megan Fox & Brian Austin Green calling off their engagement were grossly misinformed. According to an interview in TV Guide (really?), Green says "We're solid. We've lived together for three years. We have tattoos of each other's names. We have more time away from each other right now than we'd like." I'll bet. She's working. Hell, I wouldn't want to leave her side (or get dressed). Interesting thing though, he wants kids…and she's said that she's not ready for all that…but they're getting a petting zoo or sorts, which is a great compromise. "We have a potbellied pig, we have dogs, two cats, two birds a squirrel…and Megan wants a leopard - that'll never happen! That's a whole different world." Okay, I'm all for obeying laws and all of that…but if my baby wants a leopard, my baby's getting a leopard…or at the very least, a leopard-like cat…maybe a Lynx or an Ocelot. PETA would have a field day…but my Fox would have her kitty & a huge smile on her face…so it's all worth it. Anyway, it's great to hear that they're together & doing fine. I'm sorry for believing everything that I read in smut magazines…like Brett Favre retiring too. Seriously, what's going on with that?

Can't Wait for the Craziness - Police in Las Vegas say they arrested a naked man who stole a beer and then hijacked a bus several miles northeast of the Strip. A police spokesman says the man fled from a convenience store when an officer arrived to investigate a report of a shoplifter Tuesday. The man allegedly punched in a back window of a Citizens Area Transit bus, climbed aboard, forced the driver off, drove the bus about 200 yards and then jumped off the moving vehicle. A police officer climbed aboard the bus and stopped the vehicle. Police say the man was arrested on felony charges and given clothes and a mental evaluation. Do you see why I want to move to this place? Craziness & excitement everywhere…or at least near the Strip. It would be like a homecoming of sorts. Besides, it makes riding the bus a fun activity…until the new nude bus driver suddenly gets of on the next stop and forgets to put the bus in park. Good times.

Is It Chile In Here? - A stripper who danced on the poles of Santiago subway trains to challenge the prudishness of Chilean society was arrested on Thursday during one of her lightning performances. Monserrat Morilles, 26, surprised subway riders all week stripping to skimpy underwear, but she refused tips. Nice! She said she was protesting a lack of tolerance in Chile, one of Latin America's most conservative societies where the first generation since the Pinochet dictatorship is reaching adulthood. "This is just a beginning. We are starting an idea here that will grow and be developed further." The professional pole dancer worked quickly all week to avoid arrest, getting on at one station, finding a subway car with no children on it and stripping in time to exit at the next station. Chilean media dubbed her "La Diosa del Metro" or Subway Goddess. She called her performances "happy minutes." Her manager Gustavo Pradenas said, "Chile is still a pretty timid country. People aren't very extroverted and we want to take aim at that and make Chile a happier country." Fantastic. I like this idea. Ladies, do you think that America's a prudish nation like I do? Join me. We shall take it to the subway poles, the street's light poles, the barber poles, election polls, wherever the people are…that is where we will show them what of what we're made and the good Lord gave. Viva la Revolution!!!

Also gentlemen, based on sworn testimony, here's a list of things that will help out your lady when she's having that exceptionally touchy time:

• Sex (apparently it works)


• Exercise (preferably sex)


• Heat & Ice cream (interesting combination)


• Chocolate, hot tea, caffeine in general


• Ibuprofen & birth control pills


• Compliments


• Showing that you care


• Lots of sweetness, hugs, massages, etc.


• Make her laugh & don't piss her off (like calling her a fatty)

Thanks for the info, ladies. If anything else comes up, please feel free to share...and guys, remember this stuff next time it comes up. No need to thank me, just pay it forward.

Anyway, that'll do it for me for today. Tomorrow morning, I leave on my two-week vacation with my mom…and I'm not sure what kind of email access I'll have…but I'll try to keep you updated & entertained when I can. Honestly, if I hear anything about getting a job in Vegas, you'll probably hear my screams of joy across the countryside before you get an email from me anyway. So keep your ears open…and have a great time everybody!!! See ya soon...

Activate Hero Shield

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

After work last night, I met up with Brooklyn at Ex-Wives Place (house party was apparently cancelled) and had a few beers. Good times. I showed up just before last call...so I basically just sit back & watched intoxicated individuals celebrate America's birthday, Life, Liberty, & the Pursuit of Happiness in general. I bought a round of shots...and was instantly everybody's friend. Not a bad way to drop twenty bucks...but I doubt anyone will remember me this morning. Anyway, after an hour or so, I drove Brooklyn home & made sure that she got home safe. She was appreciative...and sent a few text messages saying so. She was a little tipsy but it's all in a day's work. I like being the designated driver because then I know that my friends get home safe. It really eases my mind. For example, the other night I was driving Bubbles home and I was being a smartass & said something that was construed as me being her chauffeur. "Oh, so that's how you feel about this? Like I'm just using you as my chauffeur?" "No, I like being your chauffeur. We have fun & you get home safe. Win-win." Besides, when you ask drunk people for gas money...sometimes they give you more than expected. Anyway, after that I talked to my brother for a few minutes (wife was camping at my mom's) then went to bed.

Today, I'm working late yet again. Really have NO idea what they're going to do when/if I change jobs. When I'm gone, who is going to work every holiday? Most weekends? Honestly, at that point, it's not my problem. Got a call from my buddy Airon today. He's sending me a wedding invitation for 8/8/08 and I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to make it (really haven't seen him in a while) but we shall see. Now for some slightly morbid news...

Bozo Dies - Larry Harmon, who turned the character Bozo the Clown into a show business staple that delighted children for more than a half-century, died at his home Thursday of congestive heart failure. He was 83. Although not the original Bozo (that was actually Pinto Colvig, who voiced Goofy in 1946), Harmon portrayed the popular clown in countless appearances and, as an entrepreneur, he licensed the character to others, particularly dozens of television stations around the country. The stations in turn hired actors to be their local Bozos. "You might say, in a way, I was cloning BTC (Bozo the Clown) before anybody else out there got around to cloning DNA," Harmon told the AP in a 1996 interview. My condolences go out to his wife of 29 years, Susan Harmon, who indicated Harmon was the perfect fit for Bozo. "He was the most optimistic man I ever met. He always saw a bright side; he always had something good to say about everybody. He was the love of my life." That's great stuff right there. I can only hope that when (if) I pass, somebody would say stuff like that about me. Although clowns may be universally recognized as the creepiest things ever…you have to admire the people who portray them and bring smiles to children (and occasionally make them piss their pants in fear). So long Bozo!!!

Fun-eral Songs - At Centennial Park, the largest cemetery and crematorium in the southern city of Adelaide, Australia, only two hymns still rank among its top 10 most popular funeral songs: "Amazing Grace" and "Abide With Me." Leading the funeral chart is crooner Frank Sinatra's classic hit "My Way," followed by Louis Armstrong's version of "Wonderful World." Among other less conventional choices were "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life" by the Monty Python comedy team, "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead," "Hit the Road Jack," "Another One Bites the Dust" and "I'll Sleep When I'm Dead." The Led Zeppelin and AC/DC rock anthems "Stairway to Heaven" & "Highway to Hell" rank outside the top 10, but have gained ground in recent years as more Australians give up traditional Christian hymns. Now, I've told my mom that there are a few VERY IMPORTANT things if (God forbid) she or anyone out there is in charge of my funeral.

1. There must be an open bar
2. I want a Jazz funeral kind of procession with upbeat music…or if a live band proves too expensive…then to just play some of my premade mixes like "Let's Get It On", "Funk Me Gently", or "Funk Me Again." I don't believe I've talked about the last one yet…but as you can guess, it's funky & upbeat.
3. In the pictures that will be displayed, along with the surprisingly few photos of me growing up, you have my permission to Photoshop my face on as many pictures as you want…as long as it gets a laugh. You could have me as the guy who knocked Sonny Liston out, the 5th Beatle, a tattoo on the small of Angelina's back (or newest on Megan Fox), cover of GQ magazine or some Calvin Klein underwear ad, superimposed on Tony Montana during the final shootout of Scarface, whatever.
4. Every eulogy or speech must start with "I remember the first time that I saw $teve's penis. It was that magical (holiday) in (country or major U.S. city) and we had a few too many to drink… (story continues from there)" I don't care if it's my grandma up at the podium. My will be done.
5. Also, every eulogy or speech must contain the words "chesticles" AND "schpedoinkal" at least once…and end with the speaker giving my wax statue a high five or handshake (be gentle though, I may be brittle)
   

There are a few others that I've forgotten over the years…but the point is that I don't want people to remember the way I died…but rather the way I lived. Trying my best to experience new things, help others, & just spread the Love. Just have a good time, it's a party y'all. Hopefully this won't be an issue for another 150 years or so…but you never know. They say that the good die young…and if Billy Joel sang it, you know it has to be true.

Wanna Be A Mushroom Guinea Pig? - Researchers at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore said Tuesday that the "spiritual" effects of psilocybin from so-called sacred mushrooms last for more than a year and may offer a way to help patients with fatal diseases or addictions. The researchers also said their findings show there are safe ways to test psychoactive drugs on willing volunteers, if guidelines are followed. Of the volunteers who took the one-day test of psilocybin, 22 of the 36 had a "complete" mystical experience, based on a detailed questionnaire. Griffiths said 21 continued to rate highly on this standardized scale 14 months later. "Even at the 14-month follow-up, 58 percent of 36 volunteers rated the experience on the psilocybin session as among the five most personally meaningful experiences of their lives and 67 percent rated it among the five most spiritually significant experiences of their lives." Now, I've never experienced mushrooms based on mixed testimony from people who shall remain nameless…but I do like the idea of this stuff being used to ease pain with fatal diseases & addictions. Well, wouldn't this just replace the addiction? Well, as long as mushrooms are better than heroin or something, I guess it's okay. Anyway, keep an eye on the classifieds in your area for the chance to help experiment with these mushrooms, I guess. Be careful out there though. Experiment in moderation…and with people that you trust.

Or Else This Might Happen - Lynne Rice of Norwalk drove her 1988 Cadillac into Joe's Food Mart and Video on Sunday evening, Los Angeles County sheriff's Lt. Jenny Ha said. The car plowed about halfway through the store but nobody was injured. Rice got out of the car, walked over to the cooler, pulled out a six-pack of Budweiser beer, and attempted to purchase it. Needless to say, the transaction wasn't completed, Rice was taken to a hospital for examination because she had a pre-existing medical condition, arrested for investigation of misdemeanor driving under the influence, and then released on $15,000 bail. Damage to the store was put at about $8,000. Always have a designated driver. You don't wanna be in one of these stories…and these are the good ones where nobody was hurt. They really only get worse in these circumstances. Be safe out there this weekend.

Anyway, that concludes the Public Service Announcement for the day. Sorry it was a little morbid...but that's just how the news was today. Man, the past few days have been kind of downers on this thing. My apologies. Maybe these will help cheer you up before you finish this.

Okay, I'm not going to lie...

This one's for me!!!

At least I've got tomorrow off. No plans or anything...but we shall see. Have a great, fun, safe weekend!!! Hope you all enjoyed the fireworks last night!!!

Thou Shalt Love the Tentacle

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Happy Independence Day to all of you!!! Also, happy Anniversary to my dad & stepmom!!! (I think it's 11 years now...but it's not my job to keep track) Also, a happy birthday to Geraldo Rivera while I'm at it. He turns 65 years old today. His moustache is 62. Yesterday was an incredibly laid-back day. I basically ran a few errands before it reached 100 again...and then watched a "Burn Notice" marathon on USA the rest of the day while cleaning up around the house. Bubbles stopped by around 9:30 after spending the day with her sister & her family...and then we picked up her mom to hang out, have a few drinks, and watch "Bad Santa" starring Billy Bob Thornton. Great flick. Christmas classic...like "It's A Wonderful Life" but the exact opposite. That's really about it from yesterday. Around 1:30, I dropped them off, drove home, and went to bed.


This morning, I watched a movie loaned to me by the Mad Scientist called "Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs" recently released on DVD. Now, if you like Futurama, you'll greatly enjoy this movie. If you've never seen Futurama, you may end up scratching your head half the time...but it'll still get a few cheap laughs out of you. Basically, the story is set in the year 3000 (or so) about the lead character Fry (from the 20th century but cryogenically frozen and revived a thousand years later) and long story short, he's bummed. He fell in love with a girl...and found out she was a bit of a harlot. It happens. So feeling lonely & loveless, he strolls into an anamoly (tear in space into another dimension) and meets up with...an enormous tentacled creature who wants nothing more than to make love to all the beings of the Gamma Universe (ours) now that it's free for its isolation in the other dimension. Anyway, I do a poor job of summary...so feel free to check out the movie yourself. If you like cartoons geared at a demographic of ages 18-30, then you'll love it.


Today I'm working late, then heading over to a party that my buddy Brooklyn invited me to that's being hosted by her friend Boston. It should be a good time. Oddly enough, it was this time last year when I first introduced to a lovely young lady by the name of Megan Fox...and then just in time for Independence Day, I get news that...


Megan Fox is SINGLE!!! - Transformers star & Maxim Magazine's Hottest Woman Alive Megan Fox has reportedly called off her engagement to former Beverly Hills 90210 actor Brian Austin Green. The 22-year-old actress is said to have ended her four-year relationship with the 34-year-old because she feels too young to settle down. A source close to Fox said: "Megan still cares about Brian, but she now realizes she's too young to marry him." Now, obviously I think Brian Austin Green should be on Suicide Watch for the next few days...but eventually he'll get over it...because God damn it, he had a four-year relationship with Megan Fox...from legal to 22. By the way, he finished second in the Luckiest Man Alive nominations that I decided on St. Patrick's Day (losing out to NBA player Marko Jaric, who's now engaged to Adriana Lima) but anyway, he'll be fine. Megan will also be fine...in fact, apparently she's been fine as frog's hair since the day she was born.


Now, do I think that I have a chance with her? Sure, but only if she knows what's good for her. If she's just going out to sow her wild oats (think about that for a minute...and try not to black out) then she'll probably go out with some douche who will treat her like sh*t and she'll think that all men are evil monkeys or something. Then a few years later, she'll look for a great guy like me (only better looking & richer). It's how most women are. Do I sound bitter? Well, I am a little bit. Feel free to prove me wrong. I've pretty much decided that I'm going to make a great second husband for some lucky woman out there. Only when they've been there, done that, got f**ked over, and now want to do it the right way. Then they're lucky enough to stumble upon a diamond like me. In the meantime, I'll just do the best I can, try not to get f**ked over myself, and wait for Karma to come back around. Anyway, best of luck to both of you, Megan & Brian!!! May you find the kind of Love that makes both of you complete and happy for ever & ever!!!


Teamless in Seattle - After years of discussion & lawsuits, the Seattle SuperSonics will move to Oklahoma City next season after reaching a settlement with the city of Seattle, ending the 41-year Seattle team history. The city of Seattle will be paid $45 million up front and Sonics owner (and OKC native) Clay Bennet will pay an additional $30 million in five years if the city is unable to secure another NBA team. That's $75 million...and the team's name and colors will remain in Seattle. Tell me that divorce isn't expensive...even with sports teams. The announcement came just hours before a federal judge was to issue a ruling in a lawsuit between the city and the Sonics over the KeyArena lease. The city had sued the Sonics to try to force the team to continue playing in Seattle through the end of the lease in 2010. So starting next year, the team owner has brought an NBA franchise to his hometown...and now they just have to come up with a team name & colors before the season starts around Halloween.


My suggestions from nearly a year ago still sound like good ideas to me. Don't remember? Well, here they are again...for your convenience (and hopefully a 2% cut from profits of this new Oklahoma City franchise's merchandise sales). Originally, the OKC Sonics would have worked because fast food chain Sonic's headquarters are there...but the team name has to stay in Seattle. So a close second in my would be the Bombers (unless it's still too soon, of course). Let's see what OKC is famous for. There's the warehouse district turned trendy shopping area called Bricktown...so the OKC Bricks? No, that's really bad for a basketball team. It's known as the 'Horse Show Capital of the World' so how about the OKC Horses? Or Clydesdales? There's that whole Grapes of Wrath Dust Bowl thing, so how about the Dusters? Anyway, best of luck to you Mr. Bennet. Congratulations on realizing your dream...and my condolences to the city of Seattle (psst, see if you can get the Clippers to move up there or something...because nobody cares about them in Los Angeles).


Also, speaking of team colors & whatnot, the ULTIMATE CHALLENGE is still on-going & awaiting your entry. The Great Mediocre Gatsby has already expressed interest & I can only assume is painstakingly overseeing every aspect of the Flag of $tevonia's design between projects ranging from space exploration to hallucinogenic pancake research. I'm curious to see what kind of incredible ideas you can come up with. You could be the next Betsy Ross or Ross Betsy and win the plethora of prizes.


Anyway, I hope that all of you have a wonderful 4th of July weekend with your family & friends. Be safe out there...and remember, don't drink & drive...and don't drink & light fireworks either. Let the kids do it. They're smaller targets & have faster reflexes. Have a great weekend!!! (Megan, call me)

It's just like the tattoo says, "There once was a little girl

who never knew Love until a boy broke her heart"

(then she called Dr. Mookie Love on his cell & arranged a rendezvous)

HOLLA!!!

How to Stop Global Warming?

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, I took some walks, ran some errands, basically getting psyched about the possible move to Vegas soon (kind of expecting them to say "Can you start on Monday?" when they do call) but other than that, nothing much going on with me this morning. My back's still a little sore...but it's a little better. Luckily, I have magic hands so I just have to self administer a rub-down...as self-gratifying as that sounds.


I would also like to take this time to adjust my Sylvester Stallone Movie List with a new Flush It, having caught the last fifteen minutes of "Rhinestone" on TV. The story is that an aging country singer (Dolly Parton) tries to teach her new protege to be the next big thing in country music...and it's a New York taxi driver (Sylvester Stallone). Now, that's all I know about the story...and the ending is...well, it's Stallone singing...country music. Sure, Dolly Parton's a little easy on the eyes...but it doesn't make up for the full Rambo-esque assault on the ears from the Italian Stallion. Sorry Sly, but there's a reason you make movies & not going on tour opening for Ashlee Simpson.


Now, I'm watching one of my favorite satire movies "EdTV" starring Matthew McConaughey, Woody Harrelson, Ellen DeGeneres, Jenna Elfman, Martin Landau, Dennis Hopper, Liz Hurley, and directed by Ron Howard. It's about a reality show that basically shows the life of video store clerk named ED (McConaughey) on TV 24 hours a day...becoming an overnight sensation. Now with his newfound celebrity, he's trying to get with Dharma...er, Jenna Elfman but the paparazzi interfere. I consider this movie great research for my future celebrity status...and how to handle it gracefully. It's actually a really good, funny movie but didn't get a whole lot of publicity & respect for whatever reason. I guess everything on TV hadn't become a reality show quite yet when it came out in 1999. Check it out if you haven't. Good times. Now for the news...


Life Going Down the Shitter? - Sometimes, we all feel a little depressed...and feel like the world is just so much to bear...but please remember, it could always get worse. For example, rescue crews had to cut apart a portable toilet to rescue a man who got stuck naked inside the potty. Authorities say the 31-year-old man used his cell phone to call 911 on Sunday from inside a portable toilet. Police say the man had been drinking and had taken off his clothes. Somehow, he immersed himself in the holding tank. (The imagination wanders...) The man was charged with public drunkenness and creating a health code violation. Which brings up the moral question...if you were to walk into a port-a-potty and there was a man stuck in there...would you help him out? Certainly you may call for somebody to come help them...but would you reach down in there & help the guy out? Or would you just pretend that you couldn't hear him and do your business? Now, before you answer...it's the only port-a-potty in sight...and you've been holding it in for like an hour before you finally found this one. Now what do you do?


How Much to Battle Global Warming? - A report by the Paris-based International Energy Agency envisions a "energy revolution" that would greatly reduce the world's dependence on fossil fuels while maintaining steady economic growth. The report says that in order for the world to HALVE greenhouse gas emissions by the year 2050 (closer than you think), the world would need to invest $45 TRILLION in energy...or just over a trillion dollars per year. A U.N.-network of scientists concluded last year that emissions have to be cut by at least half by 2050 to avoid an increase in world temperatures of between 3.6 and 4.2 degrees above pre-18th century levels. Scientists say temperature increases beyond that could trigger devastating effects, such as widespread loss of species, famines and droughts, and swamping of heavily populated coastal areas by rising oceans. You all know this...and I think that we should start on it...but yeah, I don't have $45 trillion. How much is $45 trillion? Well, about $100,000 per American man, woman, or child...but over the course of 40 years...so about $2500 per year per American. Bring in other countries (like ones with money not invested in war) and that number drops significantly. However, I think that I know the real reason for Global Warming...


One Step with Laundry - Xeros, which has been spun out of the University of Leeds, said on Monday that new washing machines would use less than 2 percent of the water and energy of a conventional washing machine. Plastic chips are used to remove dirt and stains from clothes, leaving them dry and reducing energy consumption as there is no need to use a dryer after the washing cycle. The firm, which recently secured investment of almost 500,000 pounds from IP Group, told Reuters the price of the new machines was "not expected to be dramatically different from (conventional) washing machines." Washing machine usage has risen by 23 percent in the past 15 years. The average household uses almost 21 liters of water daily on clothes washing or roughly 13% of daily household water consumption. A typical washing machine uses about 35 kilograms of water for every kilogram of clothes, in addition to the power needed to heat the water and dry the clothes. Not a bad start...but I like my idea of just being naked all the time...and at least one other person agrees with me...


Fox in Heat - As any reader of this blog may know, Megan Fox is really really hot...and named the Sexiest Woman in the World by FHM magazine last month (and predicted to be a big star by me when I watched Transformers last year). Is she and other ladies out there like her the reason for Global Warming? Well, now, she just got hotter. In an interview with FHM, she was quoted as saying, "I really enjoy having sex, and that's offensive to some people. Women are the quickest to call other women sluts, which I think is sad. I haven't met a lot of men who have said, 'You like having sex? What a dirty whore you are.' I'm young and have a lot of hormones—I'm always in the mood! But I like sex with one person when I'm in a relationship. Sex with random people who I've met at clubs is not really my thing. I have the libido of a 15-year-old boy. My sex drive is so high. I'd rather have sex with Brian (boyfriend Brian Austin Green) all the time than leave the house. He doesn't mind." Yes, that Brian Austin Green from Beverly Hills 90210. He's 35 (and shares my brother's birthday oddly enough) and she's 22. Well, at least we share similar views on sex...which is really hot...and I'm sure that 90% of you are thinking the same thing. Brian Austin Green is one lucky mother lover to have a Fox like that.


Anyway, enough about saving the environment and the gigantic costs ($45 trillion...perhaps, but an unsatisfied woman...simply too much), I think I'll see what my dad's up to & hang out with him during his last week off before going back to work. I'm sure that I've mentioned it...but he's basically fully recovered and doing fix-its and errands around the house. He's a great guy...and I hope to be like him someday. Fix stuff around the house for his family, always there if you need somebody to talk to, great sense of humor & perspective on life, loving husband & father, sounds like the sweetest gig that you'll never get paid for...except for a silly tie once a year. That's right, this is a plug for Father's Day this Sunday. Don't forget. I have no idea what I'm going to give him...but I did take him to Vegas a few weeks ago. We'll see what else he gets. Suggestion for the day - Call your dad / stepdad / husband / male role model up a little early...and tell them how much you love them. They'll greatly appreciate it. Trust me. There's nothing a guy likes to hear more...well, not much anyway. Have a great day everybody!!!

It's Enrico Pallazzo!!!

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Well, yesterday I helped my dad out with a few things around the house like mowing the lawn, moving furniture around, chauffeuring him around while his car was having an oil & tire change, and going on top of the roof to fix the swamp cooler. Luckily didn't take too long to do all of that...so we got to hang out and talk a bit too. One thing struck me though...and it may just be me. It was a fairly gloomy, cloud-filled day all day which kept it fairly cool. Then, as soon as I stepped outside to mow the lawn...and go onto a shingled rooftop, the skies clear right up and it's a beautiful May day...and those shingles get really hot in direct sunlight as you may or may not know. Then, as soon as I get down from the roof, the clouds come back. Probably just coincidence.

After yardwork, we sat down and watched a classic...that surprisingly my dad had never seen, "The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad" with Leslie Nielsen, Priscilla Presley, and Ricardo Montelban among others. Now, I own all three Naked Gun movies and all six episodes of the TV series they're based on...so I may have to loan them to my dad while he's recovering. He also wants to see the "Firefly" series and the movie "Serenity" (all great by the way) so I'll be dropping them off on the way to the Utah Blaze game tonight...and he can watch them after our Vegas trip that we leave for in less than four days. So excited about this trip.

Also while at my dad's, I received a few text messages from my sister-in-law Ashley about her custody battle...and apparently it's more around $2000 that she's needing...so I basically suggested that she let it lie...because right now, Kelaudri has two families that care for her, Ashley's going to school and starting a career as a CNA, they're already struggling to support two kids, the case would require gross negligence or something like that...and that doesn't appear to be the case at all, and they'll only get to see her a few extra days a week anyway. It just seems more and more like this is an act of futility...using my money (and already a lot of my mom's) that I've saved up over the past few years to start and provide for my own family eventually. After suggesting this, she again threatened to quit school...so I elaborated on what a poor decision that would be...and she replied with childish namecalling, personal attacks, and other such nonsense. I replied professionally to the tune of "This is just my suggestion. I know that you're going to do whatever you want regardless of what I say. You know that I love you guys...but this just seems like a waste of time & money right now. Finish school, start a career, raise your two other children (and my brother), and then when you can afford the house that you live in & raising the four of you...then you should pursue Kelaudri." She just called this morning apologizing for the comments last night...but it's understandable...because I basically told her to give up on trying to get her oldest child. I have to admit, I was a little hurt by her words...but I quickly got over them...because I think I'm right...and hopefully she'll head my advice. Or she won't...and I'll wish her the best.

Speaking of Ash, last night, we called an impromptu Movie Night because JL Clyde, the Mad Scientist, and I were supremely bored. We met up at my place and watched "Evil Dead 2" and "Army of Darkness" which are supremely entertaining semi-horror-comedy movies from director Sam Raimi ("Spiderman" & "The Quick & the Dead") and starring Bruce Campbell (who I'm actually watching in the USA series "Burn Notice" as we speak. Weird.). Anyway, check them out. They're just crazy to watch and you won't regret it. You get my money back guarantee. If it sucks, I'll give you your money back for accessing my blog. Deal? Alright then, it's settled.

Well, not much else to really talk about today...and I've got a lot of laundry to do and errands to run...so I'll get back at ya after the Blaze game tonight. I've gotta work tomorrow (Mother's Day) so I should have plenty of time to catch you up on news & events. Have a great weekend everybody!!! Oh...and here's another "Deep Thoughts with Megan Fox" or more specifically her beautifully engineered body. You know, I would read more books if they were printed like this. I can't wait to see how the story ends...

Birthday Eve

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

First off, a very happy birthday to Alfredo James Pacino today as he turns 68. He's one of greatest actors of all time...and the list of movies include "The Godfather" trilogy, "Scarface", "Scent of a Woman", "Dog Day Afternoon", "Serpico", "Heat", "Carlito's Way", "Insomnia", "Any Given Sunday", "Devil's Advocate", "Donnie Brasco", "Ocean's 13", even "Dick Tracy" as Big Boy. His newest "Righteous Kill" comes out soon, costarring Robert DeNiro & 50 Cent. Should be another classic. Anyway, have a great birthday buddy!!! I hope they don't make you work 18 hours today filming that Salvador Dali biopic.






Last night, I watched Guy Ritchie's latest movie (director of "Lock, Stock, & Two Smokin' Barrels", "Snatch", etc.) called "Revolver" starring Jason Statham, Ray Liotta, Andre Benjamin (Dre 3000 from Outkast) and others. It's about a former con man (Statham) who spent 7 years in jail for taking the fall...and is now looking to get paid. That's about all that I'm going to tell you at this point...because from there, it gets really awkward at times...but I would definitely recommend it, especially if you like Guy Ritchie (Mr. Madonna) movies.





Test Tube Meat - See what I miss when I'm too busy at work? Stories like these BEG me to make fun of them. The animal rights group PETA is putting up a million dollar reward for anyone who by 2012 can grow in-vitro meat that looks and tastes like the real thing. "In-vitro meat production would use animal stem cells that would be placed in a medium to grow and reproduce. The result would mimic flesh and could be cooked and eaten," PETA said in a statement. The million-dollar reward will go to the participant who manages by 2012 to put test-tube chicken into commercial production and successful sell it in at least 10 US states at a competitive price. The New York Times revealed Monday that the scheme almost triggered a civil war within the headquarters of the organization dedicated to fighting for animal rights but PETA argued the move would help avoid unnecessary suffering. "More than 40 billion chickens, fish, pigs, and cows are killed every year for food in the United States in horrific ways. In-vitro meat would spare animals from this suffering. In addition, in-vitro meat would dramatically reduce the devastating effects the meat industry has on the environment. Humans don't need to eat meat at all" since many people continued "to refuse to kick their meat addictions, PETA is willing to help them gain access to flesh that doesn't cause suffering and death."




Okay, so PETA's giving approval for stem cell research…as long as it's using animal stem cells. Aren't they some of the advocates for stopping stem cell research on humans? Actually, probably not…because humans aren't that important to them, right? Sorry, I'm not too familiar with PETA. Maybe somebody can shed some light for me. Too lazy to go to their website…and I don't want the government following me more than they already do. (Shhhhh, they're listening) Anyway, how do you make meat…without making the animal? Really? Is it going to be like the episode of South Park I saw the other day, where they grow ears (and other appendages) on the backs of rats…but instead of cartilage, it'll be a T-bone? I guess that's literally the million-dollar question. I like the idea of a PETA civil war over this though. "Now we're talking about growing test tube steaks? I thought we were trying to turn the world vegetarian." "No, don't you see? If they're in a test tube, they won't feel pain…and we'll be distracting scientists from finding cures for diseases…and instead finding an other other OTHER white meat." "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard." "Oh yeah, well I've got a test tube steak for ya right here, granola boy!!!" Slap fight ensues. $teve laughs at the thought. Hahaha!!! Besides, I'm a big fan of stem cells, as you may know from my occasion updates in the world of science…such as they can now turn stem cells into heart cells. Yay scientists!!!




Penis Theft in the Congo - I couldn't make this sh*t up if I wanted to. Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft. Reports of so-called penis snatching are not uncommon in West Africa, where belief in traditional religions and witchcraft remains widespread, and where ritual killings to obtain blood or body parts still occur. Purported victims, 14 of whom were also detained by police, claimed that sorcerers simply touched them to make their genitals shrink or disappear, in what some residents said was an attempt to extort cash with the promise of a cure. Police arrested the accused sorcerers and their victims in an effort to avoid the sort of bloodshed seen in Ghana a decade ago, when 12 suspected penis snatchers were beaten to death by angry mobs. The 27 men have since been released.




Holy crap!!! So much disturbing information to take in those few sentences. Mother Afrika, I love ya…but you are one crazy place to live. Sure, here in America we tease little kids with "Oop, got your nose" and they enjoy it…but apparently it's universal that if you even pretend to take away a man's hood, they will lynch you. Even the police chief said, "I'm tempted to say it's one huge joke but when you try to tell the victims that their penises are still there, they tell you that it's become tiny or that they've become impotent. To that I tell them, 'How do you know if you haven't gone home and tried it?" The Power of Suggestion, ladies & gentlemen. It's an incredible thing. Or maybe there really are mystics in the Congo shrinking heads & shafts and turning silverback gorillas into vicious killing machines…or maybe that was just a movie. Regardless, I'm glad that the police stepped in to save them…for now. Now there are three things that scare me…nuclear war, carnies, and penis theft.




Going Undercover - A police officer was forced to resign on Wednesday for having sex with a prostitute at a building he had been sent to investigate to see if it was a brothel. The police sergeant, who was not named, had "engaged in sexual activity with a sex worker" while on duty in east London in December 2005, the Independent Police Complaints Commission (IPCC) said. He was supposed to be finding out if the premises were being used for prostitution. You know, I'm not an officer of the law…or a lawyer or anything…but I would say, "Mission Accomplished!!!" That's what I call good police work. Going undercover, into enemy territory, infiltrating the trust of the organization, learning all the ins & outs of the operation, obtaining leads into subsidiaries and other markets, gathering evidence to be used in a court of law, and catching the perpetrators red-handed…or I guess, lotion-handed or whatever they were into at the time. All while earning a measly worker's salary and even offering to investigate when he wasn't "on the clock" as they say. Going above and beyond the call of duty. I say good show, sir. I'm sorry that your fellow (jealous) officers don't feel the same way. Oh well, I'm sure they'd hire you on at the brothel as a bouncer or something. Maybe it's a change for the better.




She's a Fox - According to FHM Magazine's annual 100 Sexiest Women in the World poll, star of "Transformers" Megan Fox is the world's sexiest woman. Honestly, I really can't argue with that. She's…absolutely gorgeous…and has those sexy eyes, bangin' smile, rockin' tatas, and…yeah, I'll go with that. I mean…nine million votes can't be wrong, right? Rounding out the top ten on the list were Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, Elisha Cuthbert, Scarlett Johannsen, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Hilary Duff (WHAT???), Tricia Helfer, Blake Lively, and Kate Beckinsale. Friends of the blog made the list as well, like Angelina at #12, Adriana Lima was #36, Amanda Beard at #71, and my buddies Lindsay Lohan made the list at #16 & Li'l Shaky at #55, but in the biggest publicist move of all time - Britney Spears at Number 100. Oh...and Milla Jovovich didn't make the list...instead Meg from Family Guy did (Mila Kunis). That's almost as bad as Hilary Duff getting Number 7. Oh well, it's not my list…but yeah, can't argue with Megan Fox on top though…in any situation. She kind of reminds me of somebody…hmm…

"This is a nice V6 engine you've got here."

"You should see my straight 8."

"Do you HAVE to go to work today?"

"F**k that, I just quit."

It's a good thing that she has an extensive library...

Because as mentioned before, I understand "King Lear"

Anyway, that'll do it for me for today…my Birthday Eve. I'm doing some laundry now…but I'm going to hang with my dad & stepmom for the day, have some dinner, then my mom & the rest of the family are coming down tomorrow…so if you don't hear from me, don't worry. I'll just be having fun…and celebrating the 27th anniversary of my birth. Oh yeah, this just in, guess how I'm going to celebrate my birthday. I'm going to Chuck E. Cheese with my nieces and nephew and my family. If any of you want to come along & are going to be in Sandy tomorrow night, let me know. We can get you some tokens or something. Wow, I'm officially three cubed years old now. Awesome. Have a great weekend everybody!!! Call me if you wanna hang out Saturday night!!! I'm sure that the old people and kids will be going home before dark.

Black Day in Love

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,


The past few days have been absolutely gorgeous. It was even eighty degrees yesterday…and the sun was shining…and the birds were chirping…and people were gardening, simply incredible weather. So why the f**k is it snowing today? Welcome to Utah - Don't like the weather, wait a few hours. The morning was even pretty good weather for this time of year, as I jogged to pick up my new movie rentals…but by the time I headed to work, there was snowfall. Awesome.



One of the movies that I checked out was "Juno" with Ellen Page, Michael Cera, Jason Bateman, and Jennifer Garner. Of course I had heard the hype about it being absolutely awesome and nominated for Best Picture…and it didn't disappoint. It was clever (though obviously written by a fellow smartass, kudos to Diablo Cody) though a little sappy at times. It's a romantic-comedy, what do you expect. Oh, so for those who don't know, it's about this 16-year old girl Juno (Page) who has a one-night fling with long-time friend Bleeker (Cera) and she's pregnant…but instead of getting a schmushmortion, she decides to go through with the pregnancy so that a wonderful couple (Garner & Bateman) can have a child.



Watching the movie, I found myself wondering, what if I were in a situation like that at age sixteen. Not the being pregnant part, because I don't even feign to think about that kind of stuff (my psychiatrist agrees it's a good idea) but what if I were…say Bleeker (the sweet, quiet, awkward, geeky kid who played sports and wore short shorts...yeah, that was pretty much me) and I had one night of awkward teenage intercourse, then BAM I've got a kid on the way. Again, it's that "Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it" motto that I try to live by. I'm pretty sure that I could handle it now…but at 16, probably not. I mean…I was a mature kid…but I worked at a grocery store. I would have had a lot on my still-growing mind. "Paper or latex?" "What?" "Sorry, ugh…paper or plastic bags?" Anyway, it's a funny movie and I think you should all check it out. Loved the soundtrack throughout the movie by the way. It's amazing how beautiful music can be with just an acoustic guitar, the human voice, and sincere words. Anyway, here's some news...



Black Day of Love - Did you know that South Korea celebrates Valentine's Day? Me neither. The twist…local custom dictates that women give gifts to MEN. Now, before you get all uppity about how that's sexist and blah blah blah, let it be known that a month later, on March 14th, they celebrate White Day and the favor is returned by guys giving gifts to their loved ones. However, on April 14th (yesterday) is Black Day, where people who have not found love dress in dark colors and commiserate over meals of black food, with the dish of choice being Chinese-style noodles topped with a thick sauce of black bean paste. At universities across the country on Monday, students without lunch dates ordered black noodles, dined with other lonely hearts and searched for companionship. Wait, there's more…and you can tell that marketers live in Korea…because they've hatched special days on the 14th of EVERY month to create twelve days a year of this stuff. For example, on August 14th is Green Day, when couples are supposed to drink cheap liquor that comes in green bottles and walk in the woods…and I'm sure they listen to Grammy-winning punk-rock music too. Billie Joe, Tre Cool, and Mike Dirnt have to be involved somehow. Anyway, I like the idea of Black Day. Not because it's making fun of or single-out those who don't have that special somebody in their lives…but because they usually end up hanging out in big groups, eating noodles with nasty bean paste on them, talking about how lonely they are, and I guarantee that at least ONE hook-up was made…even if just for pity sex. Maybe this'll spread to the U.S. some day. I'd better get me a black shirt or something in that case.



Full of Hot Air - Blowing through one nostril at a time, 13-year-old Andrew Dahl inflated 213 balloons within an hour Friday — a feat that has been submitted for review by Guinness World Records. His father, Doug Dahl, measured the balloons to make sure each was at least 20 centimeters, the minimum diameter, and his mother, Wendy Dahl, kept the tally. Andrew's first attempt (184 balloons in February) was rejected because his father tied the balloons. This time he tied them off himself. It's always great to see a family working together in order to…well, I guess get their name into a book of records. Honestly, do they really release the full book of records anyway? How would you look this particular record up anyway? "Let's see…under Physical Feats…Human Beings...Timed and…in One hour. Okay, we've got Running, Jumping, Sucking, AHA Blowing…oooh, a list of orifices, we'll go with Nasal…aaand Balloons, right above Balls tehehehe…okay, we've got Andrew Dahl of Blaine, Washington blowing 213 Balloons in One Hour with his Nose. I'll be damned, that kid we hung up on the flagpole really was in the Guinness Book of World Records. Good for him. What page was that picture of the World's Biggest Boobs?"



World's Biggest Cookout - Another World Record set this week was in Montevideo, Uruguay where more than a thousand barbecue fanatics grilled up 12 metric tons (26,400 lbs) of beef on Sunday, setting a new Guinness world record while promoting the country's top export. Army personnel set up a grill nearly a mile long and firefighters lit six tons of charcoal to kick off the gargantuan cookout. Some 1,250 people grilled the beef and about 20,000 spectators cried with joy when a Guinness judge confirmed the barbecue record had been broken. "I'm very proud to be Uruguayan. We have the best beef and now we have the world's biggest barbecue," said one of the volunteer cooks. That dirty mother lover!!! Do you believe that? He claimed that Uruguay, not the U.S. of A. has the BEST beef…AND the biggest barbecue. Are you just gonna sit there and take that? Texas? Nebraska? America? That sounds like a challenge to me. Twelve tons? I think I've seen that much at a Cowboys pre-game party…and we don't even need help from our military. Anyway, just thought I'd throw that out there…maybe ruffle a few feathers (clap clap clap clap) deep in the heaaaart of Texas to see if we could one-up Uruguay. I'm sure it was some delicious barbecue…what with some tropical fruit sauces or something. Who knows? Maybe it is the BEST barbecue on this planet…but there's only one way to find out, that's all I'm saying.



Jennifer's Body - Speaking of a hot, succulent piece of meat that I'd like to sink my teeth into, Megan Fox's new movie "Jennifer's Body" sounds fairly interesting. Directed by Karyn Kasuma ("Aeon Flux" & "Girlfight") & written by Diablo Cody ("Juno"), this horror-comedy is about a gorgeous cheerleader (Fox) possessed by a demon and she starts feeding off the boys in a small Minnesota farming town. According to producer Jason Reitman, Fox also gets into a fight with costar Amanda Seyfried (Sarah on "Big Love") in their underwear…and will be appearing topless in a scene in which she has lured a guy into the woods. She'll be wearing a skirt and apparently her hair will cover some parts…but I have a vivid imagination. Anyway, no need to thank me, just pay it forward. This will at least hold you over until "Jack & Diane" comes out. You remember, right? The story of lesbian werewolves in New York? Here's the link to that one.


That'll do it for today. Still waiting for suggestions to celebrate the anniversary of my birth…and a big thanks to Alisa for coming into work today to say hi, show off her beautiful baby boy, and give me some delicious sugar cookies shaped like alligators and flamingoes. Oh…and she suggested Taffy Town, where they give out free fudge samples and have some allegedly amazing Cran-Raspberry Taffy for my birthday. I'll definitely have to keep that in mind. You rock, Alisa!!! Have a great day everybody!!! Here's a lovely thought from Megan Fox to send us off...

Party Like A Rock Star

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night was AWESOME!!! I picked up Bubbles and she informed me that there was a dress code for Habits...so had to change out of my standard dive attire of blue jeans & an orange Utah Blaze shirt (I know, it sounds hot) and into my club attire...which because I don't go clubbing (except occasional baby seals) and have no sense of fashion...was a pair of slacks and my gaudiest Hawaiian shirt. The best part about the shirt though...is even if the ladies weren't biting...there's a hot Polynesian princess all over me. Luckily, the ladies were biting...well, sort of. All the coworker ladyfriends were there (most without their respective males) and they brought the ladies out too. So there was your boy, Dr. Mookie Love, completely surrounded by the HOTTEST LADIES IN THE PLACE!!! That's right. I said it. I thought it several times at the club. I'm sure that the pictures that the ladies took would confirm that...but I didn't take any.

As I glanced around and saw...well, I was usually drawn to the cleavage on display...but beyond that, I realized that there were a lot of middle-aged people looking for that 2nd or 3rd marriage...and a lot of horrible dancing. Now granted, club dancing is not my forte (that would be ballroom dancing) but I never like to dance on a crowded floor (where my elbows can become lethal weapons) so I resorted to doing some Seat Dancing and entertaining the ladies...and being introduced to these beverages called Minderasers. Thankfully, they didn't work...but maybe I just didn't have enough of them. Good times were had by all. Thank you for inviting me ladies...and I hope that your headaches are less severe than mine.

Kooky Dream - Okay, here's what I remember from my crazy dreams last night...which is pretty standard when I've had a few alcoholic beverages. I was walking around...what I think was the University of Utah with none other than Foxy. The thing was that we were talking (I don't remember about what) and she walked into a wall...and of course I was like, "Oh snaps, are you okay?" "Yeah, I'm fine." "Well, I know that...but are you okay?" Smile. We continue walking...BAM!!! Again into a wall. "You need to watch where you're going, girl. Otherwise you're gonna give yourself a concussion or something." This continued for about four THUNKS until we came to a large group of people at the base of what appeared to be a really steep concrete road that led up to a stadium. There was a loudspeaker that yelled out "GO!!!" and everybody started running up this steep concrete hill. Foxy starts towards it and looks back at me "Come on!!! We can beat these guys!!!" Sure, why not? So we start running up the hill too.

About half way up, there's some commosion and screaming...followed by car projectiles and people being thrown about...by Transformers. (There's a reason this thing is called a kooky dream) Explosions are going off all around. Up the hill is Constructicons throwing vehicles. Below the hill are those jet Decepticons doing their thing. All of a sudden, Optimus Prime (from the waste up) is barking orders and holding his lightsabre sword thing...but can't move...because his legs are running around about 50 yards away and kicking Decepticons in the ass. I'm looking around for Foxy & other people in need of help when I hear her to my left. Just then, a giant robot lands right next to me and aims a blaster or a flamethrower or who knows what...but it's aimed at me...so I start rolling like Dre in a lowrider...only faster towards Foxy. The concrete gives way. THUNK!!! I wake up on the ground next to my bed. That's right, I rolled out of bed unintentionally for the first time since I was a kid. Anyway, looking forward to watching the NFC & AFC Championship games today. My picks are the Patriots & Packers...because I think that'd be the ultimate game to watch. Brett's Legacy vs. Brady's Perfection. I think that's what everybody wants to see. Anyway, here's the news...

Full Moons Named for 2008 - Monday night / Tuesday morning will mark the first full moon of the year. Full moon names were bestowed by the Native Americans of what is now the northern and eastern United States. A few hundred years ago, those tribes kept track of the seasons by giving distinctive names to each recurring full moon. Their names were applied to the entire month in which each occurred. The moon on Monday will be the Full Wolf Moon...which is odd because it's close to my dad's birthdays and he's really big on Native American customs and Wolves. Awesome. Personally, I'm really looking forward to the Full Pink Moon on April 20th. I'm just a little intrigued as to what that means...and being so close to my own birthday...and being on 4/20 for all you smokers out there. Feel free to check out the link for a complete listing if you're interested.

Bush vs. Gore - New research on mice shows the brain processes aggressive behavior as it does other rewards. Mice sought violence, in fact, picking fights for no apparent reason other than the rewarding feeling. The mouse brain is thought to be analogous to the human brain in this study, which could shed light on our fascination with savage & brutal sports as well as our own penchant for the classic bar brawl. The researcher says that humans crave violence just like they do sex, food, or drugs. "Aggression occurs among virtually all vertebrates and is necessary to get and keep important resources such as mates, territory and food," By the way, did I mention that I'm picking the Packers & Patriots in the game today? Okay, cool. Did I mention any sexual frustration, that there was no food in my house, and I don't do drugs? No? Well, maybe I get my violence out by watching other large men beat the crap out of eachother...or just beat the living Hell out of my Rock Band drum set. To be perfectly honest though, I prefer Bush to Gore...though after reading this information on the study, I'd really like to see the mice have a bar brawl. "Oh look, Mickey's going for the stool. Turn around Speedy!!! AAGGGGH!!! He pulled a knife on him. Where the hell did he get that? Oh man, now Mighty's going to jump from the top of the water bottle again. Watch this, it's classic. HERE I COME TO SAVE THE DAAAAAAY!!!" Intrigued how it turns out? I thought you would be.

Bionic Eyes - Everybody has thought about being a Terminator, Bionic Woman, Six Million Dollar Man, Predator, Robocop, or some other cybernetic badass. Scientists have taken the first step toward creating digital contact lenses that can zoom in on distant objects and display useful facts. For the first time, engineers have installed an electronic circuit and lights on a regular contact lens. It was difficult for the researchers to graft the tiny electrical circuits, built from layers of metal only a few nanometers thick (for comparison, the width of a typical human hair is about 80,000 nanometers), onto the contact lenses, which are made of organic materials that are safe for the body...but at the rate of scientific innovation, they may have it figured out within a decade. Just think of the possibilities - ability to see great distances with absolute clarity, while pulling up coordinates, information about what you're seeing, prices of admission, movie times, basically accessing the internet while you're looking at it.

Don't forget about infrared, X-RAY VISION, maybe even some kind of diagnostic system that will pull up information on a subject that you're checking out at a club. "Jane Doe, Age: 24, Credit Rating: 425, Marital Status: Divorced with two kids, Turn-ons: Tall guys, fake Spanish accents, and Blogs, Turnoffs: Cowboys fans, Baggage: Meth addiction and currently on probation for chopping her ex-husband's penis, Suggestion: ABORT MISSION!!!" Just so you're aware. The meth addiction was the deal breaker. I'm sure her ex deserved to have his fickle pickle cut off (Cruel & unusual? I mean...isn't cutting off genitalia some kind of crazy Arab thing?) but still...just to know that it has happened...makes you a little skiddish. Anyway, it could come in handy. "Age: 16, ABORT IMMEDIATELY. ADMIRE FROM AFAR."

TV Animated Movies - Some were made into live-action movies, some kept the original format. Here is my personal list on the best cartoons to become movies.

Medal Winners

Gold - Transformers (2007) - It won the $tevie for Movie of the Year last year...and I had a crazy ass dream last night about them...so they get the gold. Michael Bay did a great job of mixing incredible action, a reasonably plausible plot, a bit of romance & family ties, several stories going on simultanoeusly that come together in the end, government agencies, and enough comedy to entertain even me. Oh...and Megan Fox & Rachael Taylor are SUPER hot. I'm so glad that I saved Rachael from that giant snake...at least in my dreams. Also, if you're interested, you may want to check out the original "Tranformers Movie" (1986) starring the voice talents of Leonard Nimoy, Eric Idle, Casey Kasum, Judd Nelson, Robert Stack, and even Orson Welles on top of all the usual voice talents. You'll recognize a lot of dialogue in the newer movie from the battle at the beginning between Optimus & Megatron. Or if you're not a nerd...please disregard.

Silver - Aeon Flux (2005) - Gee, why would this movie get a silver medal? Futuristic story, government supression leading to underground rebellion, assassins with cool weapons, biological warfare, fairly intriguing story based on a late-night MTV cartoon that I watched as a kid...what else...oh yeah, Charlize Theron spending the whole movie in skin-tight spandex and kicking ass. When I first heard that they were doing an Aeon Flux movie, I thought to myself "That's great...but if they do a direct representation of the TV series then it's going to be rated R (at best) and go the way of Spawn and flop." Then there was the announcement of shooting for a PG-13 rating. "They're F-U-K-T, fukt!!!" Then the announcement that Charlize Theron is the star. "This movie will make a BILLION dollars!!!" Maybe that number was slightly exaggerated...but it worked. Not quite as bloody & sexy & other stuff that mice crave (cheesy?) as the TV series and comics...but still really good.

Bronze - The Simpsons Movie (2007) - The prize piece in my trilogy of animated movies in this category. After almost 20 years, they finally did a movie (and I feared ending the TV series) but it was entertaining, managed to include a vast majority of the characters without really forcing it, and had a nice wholesome story about family and sticking through hard times...even when the family's monarch is basically retarded. The second piece is "South Park: Bigger, Longer, & Uncut" (1999) which already won a Bronze in my Musical List...but again, a really entertaining story, vast majority of characters, the only thing really forced was the songs, and most importantly...hilarious and true to the series. The third piece is "Beavis & Butthead Do America" (1996) which I still watch occasionally...especially when it's on VH1 Movies That Rock. Mike Judge, the same director that brought you "Office Space", "Idiocracy", and "King of the Hill" made this movie and with other voice talents like Bruce & Demi, Robert Stack, and Cloris Leachman. Check it out. Great soundtrack too.

Suggestion - Masters of the Universe (1987) - Who didn't like He-Man and She-Ra? Dolph Lundgren stars as the Prince of Eternia, Frank Langella as Skeletor, and even Courtney Cox is in this movie before she was in Friends...but after that Bruce Springsteen video. Sure, it's a little cheesy and Dolph goes through more baby oil than a maternity ward...but it's worth a shot. I also suggest checking out "Casper" (1995) with Christina Ricci if you haven't seen it already. It's very well done...and Bill Pullman's in it too. You love movies with Bill Pullman. I also had to through in the "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle" trilogy (1990-93) thought they are incredibly cheesy and get progressively worse. At least check out the first one if you liked the cartoons. The second one had Vanilla Ice. The third, they traveled back to ancient Japan. The new CGI "TMNT" (2007)? My mom and I both fell asleep watching it.

Flush It - Inspector Gadget (1999) - So many flushable movies here...but I chose this one because Matthew Broderick is no Don Adams...and I just really didn't like this movie one bit...and I loved the TV series. I haven't seen the sequel with French Stewart but I assume it's better...because it really couldn't get worse. Also noted is "Rocky & Bullwinkle" (2000) with a star studded cast including Rene Russo, Randy Quaid, Jason Alexander, Piper Perabo, Carl Reiner, John Goodman, and ROBERT DENIRO as Fearless Leader. How could this movie suck? It found a way. I haven't seen "Underdog" (2007) but then again, I don't think that anybody has...and for good reason. "Fat Albert" (2004) wasn't any good. Brendan Fraser did okay in "Dudley Do-Right" (1999) & "George of the Jungle" (1997) but they weren't great. I was a little disappointed with "Mr. Magoo" (1997) but I have high expectations for Leslie Nielsen. I'll stop there. Don't worry, the two "Flintstones" movies were good. They just didn't make the list.

Future Watch - Jonny Quest (2010?) - If they don't make this movie about the kid detective with the cool gadgets and a best friend named Hadji, then they might as well do a movie based on the parody of this show, "Venture Brothers" (2010?). I also wouldn't mind seeing a live-action "Jetsons" (2009?) or JUST THE DVD BOX SET of one of my favorite shows of all time, "Duckman" (2010?). Yay for cartoons!!!

Have a great day everybody...and I'll see you around. Peace!!!