Birthday Eve

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

First off, a very happy birthday to Alfredo James Pacino today as he turns 68. He's one of greatest actors of all time...and the list of movies include "The Godfather" trilogy, "Scarface", "Scent of a Woman", "Dog Day Afternoon", "Serpico", "Heat", "Carlito's Way", "Insomnia", "Any Given Sunday", "Devil's Advocate", "Donnie Brasco", "Ocean's 13", even "Dick Tracy" as Big Boy. His newest "Righteous Kill" comes out soon, costarring Robert DeNiro & 50 Cent. Should be another classic. Anyway, have a great birthday buddy!!! I hope they don't make you work 18 hours today filming that Salvador Dali biopic.






Last night, I watched Guy Ritchie's latest movie (director of "Lock, Stock, & Two Smokin' Barrels", "Snatch", etc.) called "Revolver" starring Jason Statham, Ray Liotta, Andre Benjamin (Dre 3000 from Outkast) and others. It's about a former con man (Statham) who spent 7 years in jail for taking the fall...and is now looking to get paid. That's about all that I'm going to tell you at this point...because from there, it gets really awkward at times...but I would definitely recommend it, especially if you like Guy Ritchie (Mr. Madonna) movies.





Test Tube Meat - See what I miss when I'm too busy at work? Stories like these BEG me to make fun of them. The animal rights group PETA is putting up a million dollar reward for anyone who by 2012 can grow in-vitro meat that looks and tastes like the real thing. "In-vitro meat production would use animal stem cells that would be placed in a medium to grow and reproduce. The result would mimic flesh and could be cooked and eaten," PETA said in a statement. The million-dollar reward will go to the participant who manages by 2012 to put test-tube chicken into commercial production and successful sell it in at least 10 US states at a competitive price. The New York Times revealed Monday that the scheme almost triggered a civil war within the headquarters of the organization dedicated to fighting for animal rights but PETA argued the move would help avoid unnecessary suffering. "More than 40 billion chickens, fish, pigs, and cows are killed every year for food in the United States in horrific ways. In-vitro meat would spare animals from this suffering. In addition, in-vitro meat would dramatically reduce the devastating effects the meat industry has on the environment. Humans don't need to eat meat at all" since many people continued "to refuse to kick their meat addictions, PETA is willing to help them gain access to flesh that doesn't cause suffering and death."




Okay, so PETA's giving approval for stem cell research…as long as it's using animal stem cells. Aren't they some of the advocates for stopping stem cell research on humans? Actually, probably not…because humans aren't that important to them, right? Sorry, I'm not too familiar with PETA. Maybe somebody can shed some light for me. Too lazy to go to their website…and I don't want the government following me more than they already do. (Shhhhh, they're listening) Anyway, how do you make meat…without making the animal? Really? Is it going to be like the episode of South Park I saw the other day, where they grow ears (and other appendages) on the backs of rats…but instead of cartilage, it'll be a T-bone? I guess that's literally the million-dollar question. I like the idea of a PETA civil war over this though. "Now we're talking about growing test tube steaks? I thought we were trying to turn the world vegetarian." "No, don't you see? If they're in a test tube, they won't feel pain…and we'll be distracting scientists from finding cures for diseases…and instead finding an other other OTHER white meat." "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard." "Oh yeah, well I've got a test tube steak for ya right here, granola boy!!!" Slap fight ensues. $teve laughs at the thought. Hahaha!!! Besides, I'm a big fan of stem cells, as you may know from my occasion updates in the world of science…such as they can now turn stem cells into heart cells. Yay scientists!!!




Penis Theft in the Congo - I couldn't make this sh*t up if I wanted to. Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men's penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft. Reports of so-called penis snatching are not uncommon in West Africa, where belief in traditional religions and witchcraft remains widespread, and where ritual killings to obtain blood or body parts still occur. Purported victims, 14 of whom were also detained by police, claimed that sorcerers simply touched them to make their genitals shrink or disappear, in what some residents said was an attempt to extort cash with the promise of a cure. Police arrested the accused sorcerers and their victims in an effort to avoid the sort of bloodshed seen in Ghana a decade ago, when 12 suspected penis snatchers were beaten to death by angry mobs. The 27 men have since been released.




Holy crap!!! So much disturbing information to take in those few sentences. Mother Afrika, I love ya…but you are one crazy place to live. Sure, here in America we tease little kids with "Oop, got your nose" and they enjoy it…but apparently it's universal that if you even pretend to take away a man's hood, they will lynch you. Even the police chief said, "I'm tempted to say it's one huge joke but when you try to tell the victims that their penises are still there, they tell you that it's become tiny or that they've become impotent. To that I tell them, 'How do you know if you haven't gone home and tried it?" The Power of Suggestion, ladies & gentlemen. It's an incredible thing. Or maybe there really are mystics in the Congo shrinking heads & shafts and turning silverback gorillas into vicious killing machines…or maybe that was just a movie. Regardless, I'm glad that the police stepped in to save them…for now. Now there are three things that scare me…nuclear war, carnies, and penis theft.




Going Undercover - A police officer was forced to resign on Wednesday for having sex with a prostitute at a building he had been sent to investigate to see if it was a brothel. The police sergeant, who was not named, had "engaged in sexual activity with a sex worker" while on duty in east London in December 2005, the Independent Police Complaints Commission (IPCC) said. He was supposed to be finding out if the premises were being used for prostitution. You know, I'm not an officer of the law…or a lawyer or anything…but I would say, "Mission Accomplished!!!" That's what I call good police work. Going undercover, into enemy territory, infiltrating the trust of the organization, learning all the ins & outs of the operation, obtaining leads into subsidiaries and other markets, gathering evidence to be used in a court of law, and catching the perpetrators red-handed…or I guess, lotion-handed or whatever they were into at the time. All while earning a measly worker's salary and even offering to investigate when he wasn't "on the clock" as they say. Going above and beyond the call of duty. I say good show, sir. I'm sorry that your fellow (jealous) officers don't feel the same way. Oh well, I'm sure they'd hire you on at the brothel as a bouncer or something. Maybe it's a change for the better.




She's a Fox - According to FHM Magazine's annual 100 Sexiest Women in the World poll, star of "Transformers" Megan Fox is the world's sexiest woman. Honestly, I really can't argue with that. She's…absolutely gorgeous…and has those sexy eyes, bangin' smile, rockin' tatas, and…yeah, I'll go with that. I mean…nine million votes can't be wrong, right? Rounding out the top ten on the list were Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, Elisha Cuthbert, Scarlett Johannsen, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Hilary Duff (WHAT???), Tricia Helfer, Blake Lively, and Kate Beckinsale. Friends of the blog made the list as well, like Angelina at #12, Adriana Lima was #36, Amanda Beard at #71, and my buddies Lindsay Lohan made the list at #16 & Li'l Shaky at #55, but in the biggest publicist move of all time - Britney Spears at Number 100. Oh...and Milla Jovovich didn't make the list...instead Meg from Family Guy did (Mila Kunis). That's almost as bad as Hilary Duff getting Number 7. Oh well, it's not my list…but yeah, can't argue with Megan Fox on top though…in any situation. She kind of reminds me of somebody…hmm…

"This is a nice V6 engine you've got here."

"You should see my straight 8."

"Do you HAVE to go to work today?"

"F**k that, I just quit."

It's a good thing that she has an extensive library...

Because as mentioned before, I understand "King Lear"

Anyway, that'll do it for me for today…my Birthday Eve. I'm doing some laundry now…but I'm going to hang with my dad & stepmom for the day, have some dinner, then my mom & the rest of the family are coming down tomorrow…so if you don't hear from me, don't worry. I'll just be having fun…and celebrating the 27th anniversary of my birth. Oh yeah, this just in, guess how I'm going to celebrate my birthday. I'm going to Chuck E. Cheese with my nieces and nephew and my family. If any of you want to come along & are going to be in Sandy tomorrow night, let me know. We can get you some tokens or something. Wow, I'm officially three cubed years old now. Awesome. Have a great weekend everybody!!! Call me if you wanna hang out Saturday night!!! I'm sure that the old people and kids will be going home before dark.

$teve & the Real Girl

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

Today was pretty mellow. Jogged a little, worked out a little, heard the Spurs whooped on the Jazz last night, talked to a fellow Spurs fan (my Boss Lady's former Boss Lady) about her future plans, watched a movie, and then came to work. Today is the last official day for the center…but due to scheduling and delays and what-have-you, we're still going to be working in the building for at least a few more weeks…but some people are leaving for good…and that sucks. It's all good though today…because I get to train loyal blog reader Lilie for a few hours. Yay! It's been a bothersome past few months with everybody moving away and migrating to greener pastures…but it's probably all for the best…and kind of a sign for me that I need to get off my ass and do something with my life. I've got so much going for me. What am I afraid of? Success? Hell nah. Making a mistake? Yeah, that's probably it…but you know what, I'm young. I'm allowed to make mistakes…lots of them…and I have them all saved up from my childhood…so it's time to start taking a risk. The wheels have been set in motion for Vegas…and now I'm just waiting for them to realize this golden opportunity presented to them, by hiring me…and showing me the money…and I'll show them what I do…which is basically show up, do my job, help others with theirs, make their day better, laugh a LOT, teach others to fish (metaphorically), and then go home with a smile on my face…usually. Your move, Vegas.

Anyway, the movie that I watched today was "Lars & the Real Girl" starring Ryan Gosling. I briefly mentioned it a few months ago just before it come out on limited release. It's about a very reclusive, quiet, fidgety 27-year old man named Lars (Gosling) who casually strolls from being anxious regarding personal interaction to complete delusion when he orders a half-Brazilian, half-Danish sex doll named Bianca and treats her as his girlfriend. His brother & sister-in-law play along with it (because the psychiatrist suggests it) and before you know it, the whole town is doing it because they want to help this nice guy. I couldn't really decide if this was a drama about delusion and coping with loss with a twist concerning Bianca...or a comedy because it wasn't that funny but it had it's moments…but that's probably why it was a limited release independent film…and it was really well done…and actually surprisingly touching for a story revolving around a sex doll. I would definitely recommend it.

Fellow Steve Retires from Football - Pro Bowl quarterback Steve "Air" McNair announced his retirement from the NFL after thirteen seasons. He has three years remaining on his contract…but due to a career full of injuries, he has decided to enjoy the health that he still has and spend time with his family…and you have to respect that. He may be a Hall of Famer one day…because he is one of three quarterbacks to have over 30,000 passing yards & 3500 rushing yards and the other two are Fran Tarkenton and another Steve, Young. Then again, he has no Super Bowl rings, so who knows? Anyway, thanks for the entertainment and athletic prowess over the years…and I wish you all the best, Mr. McNair. Sunrise, sunset.

Brother Love Goes Pro - My brother from another mother, Kevin Love of UCLA has announced that he will declare for the NBA Draft…and will probably be a top three pick. He's a big guy…and you can't teach height, great passer, jump shooter, defender, and has a great work ethic to match his natural skills. Besides, he can do this type of stuff. The 6-foot-10 center Love said he did not immediately plan to hire an agent, which would temporarily allow to keep playing for UCLA. "I want to maintain my eligibility in case something happens," Love said. He later added that it's "definitely a possibility" that something could prompt him to change his mind. What you ask? My only guess would be millions of dollars in cash from local boosters…or true Love. I'll keep you posted…but I expect him to be playing in the NBA next year. Congratulations on your decision brother Love. See ya at the reunion.

Make 'Em Say Uuuuug - Scientists at Florida Atlantic University have modeled a Neanderthal's larynx to replicate possible sounds it would make. The work is based on fossils found in France, the British journal New Scientist said on Wednesday on its website. The item includes an audio snippet in which a computer synthesizer replicates how a Neanderthal would say an "e" and compares this with the same sound as made by modern humans. A study published last October in the journal Current Biology found that Neanderthals carried the only human gene that has so far been linked to language. This implies Neanderthals had at least some of the genetic prerequisites for acquiring language. Even so, experts question whether Neanderthals had the necessary biological gear, such as fine nerves connected to tongue muscles and lips, that would enable them do more than just grunt. However, as rappers have proven, it seems grunting is sometimes all you really need to get your point across. Isn't that right, Master P? "Uuuuugh, uuuugh. Nana nana. Nana nana." Sure, Neanderthals may have not had spoken language…yet somehow they managed…and I'm guessing it had something to do with the large clubs that they carried around and some form of body language, fierce hooting, and possibly projectile feces…much like apes of today…or drunken frat parties.

The point is…who really cares? If a tree falls in a forest and there's nobody around, sure it makes a sound…but it's just as important to mankind as a caveman saying "Schpedoinkal" or "Giggidy" some 50,000 years ago. They could have constructed Time Machines back then made of mammoth pelts, flint, and pine cones…but until we find it preserved in a tar pit, it's not really effecting us…or is it? Okay, it's really not. It just goes to show that some 50,000 years from now…when people (or the next evolved animals) are digging us up…what will they find? What will they think of us? "Oh, these primitive ancestors used wads of flattened wood pulp to simply wipe their backsides. They didn't even use the three seashells. Myahahahahaha." My point - We all have a legacy…and it's how we make others feel around us…and raise our future generations to be...so please be kind to one another and show your kin how to live by example. My point doesn't really make a whole lot of sense with the Neanderthal thing…but still, it's like my buddy Master P says, there's more to life than bitches, weed, and Mercedes.

Don't Be This Chick - A tow truck driver unknowingly hauled away a car with a 7-year-old asleep inside before returning the vehicle minutes later and speeding away. The panicked parents of the missing boy watched the driver hurriedly unhook their car and take off as they met with authorities late Monday. Twenty-three year old Fidel Retana Jr. was pulled over a short time later and arrested on child endangerment charges but police expect to drop the charges. "It appeared that he did not intend to take the child," Dallas police Sgt. Brenda Nichols said. David Traylor, Retana's attorney, said his client noticed the boy only when he stopped to ensure that the car was hooked up properly. The car had been parked in a fire lane while the boy's mother ran upstairs to her apartment. Traylor said Retana left the second time in a hurry because he knew the parents were there and were probably angry. Authorities said the boy's mother was crying and vomiting outside when they arrived. The boy was still asleep when the car was returned.

Now, I've fallen asleep in the back of a car as a child a few times…and my mother will gladly share this story with you any time you hang out with us. Apparently, one time I was wandering around outside, hopped in the car, and fell asleep in the trunk area of a hatchback. She was obviously worried something fierce…and drove for hours trying to find me…and called family & neighbors…and I was asleep in the back of the car. She was at wit's end until I woke up, went inside the house when she was crying on the phone with my grandma or something, and I asked what was wrong. This however, is not really one of those stories. Why? The mother parked in the fire lane and "ran upstairs to her apartment" but it takes a while for a few things to happen…like somebody call a tow truck, they show up, hook up the car, and drive off. Even if there's a two truck on the premises and waiting…it probably takes a good ten to fifteen minutes depending on a few variables. Then, after the fiasco, she's "crying and vomiting" when he came back with the car. Now, I've been worried bad before…and unless she has some SERIOUS acid reflux, there's some other factors playing into that. Regardless of all that, here's my verdict - Charges obviously dropped on the tow truck guy…because of he's being charged with kidnapping, she's being charged with child abandonment. She's also going to pay the tow charge & have to go to one of those parenting classes. That's my ruling. Case closed.

Milla Update - Milla Jovovich will star in Gold Circle Films' thriller "The 4th Kind" according to The Hollywood Reporter. The fact-based thriller involves an ongoing unsolved mystery in Alaska, where one town has seen an extraordinary number of unexplained disappearances during the past 40 years and there are accusations of a federal cover-up. Jovovich plays a woman investigating the disappearances in the town. Olatunde Osunsanmi is making his directorial debut on the film, which he also wrote. Shooting begins late June. Not really much else to say. Good for her. Sounds like it could be a mix of "The X-Files" and "30 Days of Night" but I'm guessing something far more disappointing...except Milla is one hot Scully. Oh well, chances are I'll still watch it…because it was one of my ten requirements. Maybe the government's covering up time-traveling lesbian strippers that ride robot dinosaurs and feed only on panda bacon. What a twist!

Anyway, that should do it for me today. Hope you all enjoyed it. I may stop in tomorrow on my day off…but we shall see. I plan on hanging with my dad again. Thank you all for everything. You guys rock!!! The gals rock too…probably more so…I just say guys a lot…like dude…and cool cat. Anyway, have a great day!!!

Update in the World of Dr. Love

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I'd like to start off by wishing a Happy Birthday to my Stepdad. He's one of the nicest guys that I know. He takes a LOT of grief from my brother…but that's mainly because my brother's an inconsiderate asshole who doesn't appreciate anything most of the time. His son (my stepbrother) is also the same way most of the time. His family is…well, kind of crazy…but lucky him, he married my mom and makes her incredibly happy…so I make sure that he's happy whenever I can. Don't get me wrong, I still give him some grief about sleeping something like 20 hours a day and not working out & eating right like he should (overweight & diabetic) and procrastinating everything like paying bills…but he's a great guy and that's why I'm wishing him this Happy Birthday…because I'm sure that I'm one of the few people who will and he deserves to be recognized. Thanks for making my mom happy…and my suggestion is to keep making her happy…or else. Just playin' big guy. You rock!!!

Who else rocks & is celebrating a birthday today? HELLOOOOOO BROOKLYYYYYN!!! Yup, my buddy Brooklyn from various posts including Vegas is celebrating her birthday today…and in proper fashion with a Wednesday night party at Murphy's in downtown Slick City. Come one, come all…and don't forget to buy the birthday girl a beer. That's where I'll be as soon as I'm off work tonight. Ah memories of the two of us getting s**t faced in Vail, Scotland, and other drinking communities…okay, so the memories may not be there…but that's why we have cameras, right? Anyway, happy birthday Brooklyn!!!

Also, I have yet to congratulate my good friend Heater on accepting her new position within the company and moving to Cleveland. My apologies for not congratulating her in the blogosphere earlier. I blame it on repressing the situation and hoping that she would change her mind…but alas, she has already sold her house and is ready to move on with her life. It's another one of those bittersweet moments - sad that she's leaving but glad that she's got a good job and can support her family. Man, in the space of a week, most of the eye candy at my workplace left. Bubbles, JJ, Heater, Foxy (oh yeah, she's gone now too), and various others…all moving on…leaving me here with the Mad Scientist & Captain Monty to try and cheer me up. (Sigh) Oh well, congratulations Heater!!! We'll miss you!!! Say bye to Peanut & the Queen for me!!!

I'm super excited about this weekend…because I get to spend a lot of time with my friends. Tonight's Brooklyn's birthday bash at Murphy's and there will certainly be a few other cool cats there. Tomorrow, after work I'm hanging with my Wingman while he's in town. Friday, I'm donating blood in the morning…and then going to the Utah Symphony Video Games Live concert with JL Clyde (blood loss and people dressing up like Princess Toadstool should make it a trippy experience). Saturday, Bubbles & I are going to the Blaze game (by the way, she called in for the ticket last night). Sunday…I'll work…but it should still be cool…because I'm getting paid. Good times. Anyway, here's some news...

Once Upon A Time in Mexico - This is something straight out of a Robert Rodriguez movie. Mexican soldiers battling a violent drug gang and corrupt local police confiscated a sport utility vehicle decked out with extras worthy of a James Bond movie. Cartel members rammed their SUV into a military truck patrolling in the state of Tamaulipas and threw a hand grenade before making their escape with the help of local police. Following a shootout with the gang, soldiers said they arrested four municipal police and confiscated an armored Jeep Grand Cherokee equipped with a smoke machine and spike sprayer meant to deter pursuers. Soldiers also confiscated dozens of rifles, pistols and hand grenades, 3,000 of rounds of ammunition and $20,000 (like a billion pesos) in cash. Mexican President Felipe Calderon deployed thousands of soldiers and federal police to hot-spots across Mexico, where cartel violence has killed more than 300 people so far this year and left more than 2,500 dead in 2007. Soldiers busting drug smugglers in Mexico often uncover federal police uniforms, sophisticated radio equipment and even gold-plated pistols and assault rifles. That's right, there really are criminals that like to use the gold-plated pistols…probably inspired by Castor Troy too (Nicolas Cage in "Face/Off" for those of you who aren't geeks like me). Some people claim that violence is glamorized by Hollywood…but either the reports of all the soldiers are true accounts…or they all watched the same action movie marathon at the Tequileria afterwards. Como se dice "I can eat a peach for hours" en espanol?

Milla Update - While we're all waiting for my baby mama to drop out a gorgeous child…and the upcoming release of her latest movie "Azazel" directed by Paul Verhoeven, which is still in pre-production…in the meantime, the lovely Milla Jovovich will be starring in David Twohy's "A Perfect Getaway", a thriller from the writer / director that brought you "Pitch Black" and "The Chronicles of Riddick". The story revolves around a newlywed couple (Milla & Steve Zahn) on their honeymoon in Hawaii and run into two hikers (Timothy Olyphant of "Hitman" and Kiele Sanchez of "Lost") who turn out to be vicious killers. Sounds hot, right? No, not the psycho killer plot. The fact that she's playing newlywed to a fellow Steve. Why deny it, Milla? You know what you want…and it's waiting for you here in Utah. Did I mention that I'm a director too? That's right a director named $teve with Eastern European heritage. I'm your type. Just think about it…but don't take too long, okay?

Panda Update - Since my Panda Porn was introduced to the Chengdu Panda Breeding & Research Center during my visit nearly three years ago, the percentage of Pandas that can naturally have sex has risen (tehehe) from 10% to 30%. However, that's still not enough hot Panda action…and more importantly for them, baby making so that future generations will survive…even if we're not around to enjoy them. So when natural intercourse, artificial insemination, Panda eHarmony, encouraged breeding, pornography, interspecies erotica with hot Grizzly-on-Koala action, and "Panda Gone Wild: Sichuan Style" doesn't work, what's the next step to turning these prudish Pandas into p***y packin', ass-slappin' Kings of Indochina? A new "Sexercise" program!!! (Yet another idea that I had…but was rejected by 24 Hour Fitness) It starts with making male pandas walk on their two hind legs to strengthen their pelvic and hip muscles, to better prepare them for sex. This is achieved by luring them up with an apple, looking remarkably like a dance routine and is aimed to boost the animal's sexual stamina. They are also put through a fitness and sensory stimulation program. (I'm frankly a little curious about how that's done…but I’m picturing some of the hot, young Asian vets that bathe them 'stimulating' certain areas) In one experiment, a male panda is placed in a den normally occupied by a female panda, and vice versa, so that they can smell each other's odor. Not sure exactly how wise that is…since I have no fear in letting it rip in MY den…but that's because I have Febreze. I'm not sure if that stuff's exactly Panda strength. When the two show signs of wanting to have sex, they are placed in the same den. The report did not say if the experiment has been successful. Randy pandas are also showcased having sex in front of their inexperienced counterparts to show the latter how it's done. Hopefully, the randy pandas aren't the other panda's parents…because that'd be awkward…but there's so few randy ones out there, that may be a possibility…and probable cause for prudishness.

Anyway, long story slightly shorter, OUR job is being done on the Eastern Front…and if Pandas don't want our help, I think that a few of these experiments are actually pretty good ideas…and should be utilized for us humans. Sure, the porn thing has been done to death. Artificial insemination has done great things for some of my family & friends. Interspecies Erotica really doesn't do anything for me…but there's a certain market for it near the border apparently. I really think that the "Sexercise" program would really work out though. Basically that's all I see Yoga & Pilates as anyway. Heck, I even see Jazzercise as a "Okay, I only have five minutes before I have to head back to work. Make it quick!" workout plan. Anyway, I'll let you all know when I get my gym open…and until then, private lessons are available in reasonably priced packages (tehehe) and you can inquire through the comments section. As with any other workout plan, it may hurt a little bit at first, but once you feel that burn, you'll wanna work out three times a day. Call now, operators are standing by.

Well, that'll do it for tonight, I guess. Have a great night everybody!!! By the way, for more cool photos of San Diego, stop by my buddy Ruben's blog. Apparently my blog about San Diego a few weeks back inspired him and his wife Erica to go there for a few days. LOTS of great pictures. Have a great night...and be safe out there!!!

Want Me To Watch Your Movie?

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

As many of you are aware, I like movies…and watch a lot of them. In fact, the Mad Scientist & I were having a standard discussion of nonsense…and the topic came up of movies in theatres now…and "10,000 BC" came up. "It looks like Apocolypto…with Dinosaurs." "You could get me to watch any movie…with Dinosaurs. I don't care if it's a story of a young woman's journey of self-discovery starring Hilary Duff…with Dinosaurs, I would probably watch it." So here's a quick list that I've comprised of TEN Key Words that should be in a plotline if you'd like me to watch your movie. Honestly, these are pretty much the only ten that would guarantee viewership…but in no particular order:

Dinosaurs - Prehistoric creatures usually means large, loud, violent predators…and somebody fairly important to the plot is going to get eaten. I really liked Dinosaurs as a kid…and still do follow discoveries when they come up on Yahoo News or something…so that could play into it. Besides, who doesn't like dinosaurs? They're like dragons…but without all that mystical wizardry and other often lame excuses for them. There's also lots of different kinds…so it's always interesting to see which ones are used. One of my favorites growing up though was "Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend" starring Sean Young and a cute little green puppet dinosaur. There were warlords involved. Check it out if you get the chance.

Robots - Robots are always cool to me too, especially the sexy kind. Whether it's the whole Philip K. Dick aspect of technology & humanity and the relationships between…or armies of robotic warriors and machines set to fire and/or explode…or just an excuse to use CGI technology, chances are that if your movie has robots, I'll check it out. I throw Muppets & other Marionettes into this category too. If you have puppetry, ventriloquism, or funny fuzzy characters voiced by Frank Oz, I'll check it out. Another one of my favorites growing up was "Short Circuit" starring Steve Guttenburg and Ally Sheedy. Good flick.

Time Travel - I've already done a list about my love for Time Travel movies. By the way, check out T = Time for some insight on the concept of time travel. You might like it. You all know that I've seen "Back to the Future" too many times…but still feel free to check it out…and say hi to your mom for me.

Lesbians - Even a casual mentioning of the possibility of girl-on-girl action will make me watch your movie. I say make me watch your movie…because I really think that it's some kind of basic primal instinct that forces me to do it. It's quite simple actually. "What do you like $teve?" "Woman." "Okay, what kind of woman?" "Naked woman." "Okay, what's better than a naked woman?" "Ugh…two naked woman." "Better than that?" "Add meat to sandwich?" See? Very simple…like my schizophrenia. Shockingly enough, I didn't watch a lot of lesbian movies growing up as a kid (though "Revenge of the Nerds" had some nice hair pie) but I would recommend that you check out "Bound" starring Gina Gershon, Jennifer Tilly, & Joey Pants if you get the chance.

Werewolves - More so than vampires, zombies, mummies, ghosts, voicemails, text messages, cameras, or any other creepy thing that supposed to instill fear in me, werewolves will get me to watch your movie. Why? Vampires may be hot…but get played out too often…and the plots are really stretched. Zombies are usually ridiculously stretched to the point of making them horror comedies. Ghosts trying to kill me through my cell phone or digital camera or VCR or website or whatever, come on now. Really? I pity anybody who really wanted to go see "Shutter" or "One Missed Call" or even "The Ring" or any of those other Japanese horror film remakes. Anyway, I'm getting off point. Werewolves are cool…because there's really the whole uncontrollable schizoid aspect to it…like a Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde angle…and it vicious, violent, and profound. The transformation is fairly immediate…and for brute strength, they're basically unstoppable…and they don't pause for stupid monologues like they're a Bond villain like vampires do. They just destroy…and then wake up the morning like "What happened?" Speaking of which, hi Bubbles!!! Can't wait for the party tonight!!! Also can't wait for "Jack & Diane" because it includes at least two of my key words - Lesbians & Werewolves.

Milla Jovovich - If my baby's mama is in your movie, I will watch it. Believe me, no matter how lame, silly, stupid, uninteresting, or just plain awful the plot is, I will watch it. For Christ's sake, I watched THREE Resident Evil zombie movies…and those were probably her best (besides "Fifth Element" obviously…because I still think that's the perfect movie…and she speaks gibberish the time). However, I still just can't seem to get enough of my Milla…and she really does have some talent as far as acting goes…but sometimes I question her choice in movie roles. Okay, I understand "Messenger" playing Joan of Arc. You did a good job there…and the story is from a historically interesting perspective. Some movies you were basically just eye candy and didn't have many lines…like "Chaplin", "Return to Blue Lagoon", "Kuffs" and others…but what the hell were thinking with ".45", that movie was awful…on so many levels. Though I do like that you say f**k a lot…and Lesbians are involved. Those are two key words. Anyway, I like Milla Jovovich a lot.

Strip - Whether you're talking about Las Vegas Boulevard or the verb were clothing is being removed from the body, I will watch your movie. I'm not afraid to admit that I'm basically a moth when it comes to the shiny lights of the Vegas Strip (or Fremont Street) and there's always great cinematography involved with that location…and usually girls with large bosoms are involved somehow. As for the stripping, I am a big fan of the dancing on stage in scantily prepared outfits…even without full nudity…but only if it directly pertains to the plot of the movie or character development. That's very important. I don't promote the peddling of smut. Who am I kidding? I love strip clubs. I almost rented a house just because it had a pole in the middle of the basement for the housewarming party. Besides, they help me remain somewhat optimistic through those dry spells…you know…like when it rains in Death Valley.

Martial Arts - It sure ain't no modern art…because I get Martial Arts. Granted, I'm not going to claim to see EVERY martial arts movie to come out of Asia (because I don't think that's possible with one being made every few minutes) but I've seen more than a few in my day. Ninjas & Samurai are also thrown into this group...because they are awesome. Oh...and yeah, that is Bruce Lee & Chuck Norris fighting. If it flaunts martial artistry though, I'll check it out. Only a movie flaunting the sensual arts would get higher billing…and there's not a whole lot of those at my local Blockbuster. Believe me, I've looked.

Panda - As you may be aware, I like Pandas. Only a few movies work Pandas into the plot…but no matter how cheesy, kid-friendly it may be, I'll check it out regardless. Really looking forward to "Kung Fu Panda" because again…two key words…mentioned in the title. The fact that it's going to be a CGI kids comedy only sweetens the pot.

Bacon - I like bacon…and though it usually is only casually mentioned during the movie, I like the mentioning of it. The fact that Kevin Bacon stars in the movie is only a mediocre draw…but a draw nonetheless…and it's really just about the last name. Possibly the greatest moment for bacon in cinema…is Burgess Meredith's monologue about his diet in "Grumpier Old Men" and I hope to be him when I'm older. A funny, bitter old man held together by piss, vinegar, and bacon grease.

The Ultimate Movie Plot - A sexy cyborg ninja is sent back through time to save the Earth from being overthrown by robots, who cloned dinosaurs & werewolves to aid them in world domination. When her warnings fall on deaf ears, she is forced to join a militant wing of the National Alliance of Independent Lesbian Exotic Dancers (NAILED) and using futuristic mind control technology, employ an army of tigers, monkeys, and pandas to help them in their struggle against the evil robot empire already growing at an exponential rate in China. Milla Jovovich and the 2008 Hawaiian Tropic Team star in "Operation: Makin' Bacon" Rated R (with an 2-disc Unrated collector's set dropping six months later). What do you think? Would you watch it?

Anyway, I'm off to go see my brother & his family for a few hours today...then back to work until Vegas next weekend. Oh...and I talked to Bubbles last night...and she loves Vegas (of course) and is already meeting good people and finding the intricacies that make this a city made for her...like having a liquor store in Albertson's. She even has me as her Number Two in her MySpace...because we're tight like that. JJ is also enjoying Denver...but is recovering from pneumonia, so please send some prayers and/or positive thoughts her way. Have a great day everybody!!!

I Love the 80's...and the '08

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

My New Year's Eve was fairly eventful despite working until 1 AM. Heater was there to keep me entertained…as well as plenty of good old fashioned busy work. By the way, I call her Heater because you don't really appreciate her until she's not working. After being free of my prison, I was invited to JL Clyde's party at her new crib…so I saw this as an opportunity to see her new living arrangements, get my drink on, and have some fun. All three were accomplished. Her house is cool. I had a shot of Sambucca (spelling?) because I didn't plan on staying that long and was driving home. I also met a few of her friends and hung out with friends that I already knew. We had incredible & deep conversations as always including:


"Who do you think would win in a fight? A 45-year old ninja…or a 7-year old girl with a gun?" Then there were the follow-up questions such as "What kind of a gun…and does she have past experience in handling said weapon?" "Is this in a WWE style cage match…or the UFC Octagon…or some random open location?" Then I had to throw in, "You know, Jet Li is forty-something. I think if he were a properly trained ninja instead of focusing on his acting…he could take that little girl down in any environment." By the way, I only know how old he is because we have the same birthday. I also mentioned something about a Panda with Judo training fighting a Grizzly with Greco Roman training (probably the only effective fighting styles given their limited reach with their legs) and that was briefly discussed.


American Gladiators - Heater confirmed earlier in the evening that they are not only bringing back American Gladiators as previously blogged…but that it starts in FOUR DAYS now…and it will be hosted by Hulk Hogan and Laila Ali (daughter of the Greatest, Muhammad Ali). This was incredible news to me. I have truly been slipping if I somehow missed this…but alas, I did. This was also mentioned during my time at JL Clyde's. Apparently, we all loved the show back in the early 90s as kids. You all remember the events - Joust, Power Ball, Pyramid, the Gauntlet, Hang Tough, the Wall, and of course, The Eliminator…but the Gladiators look to be quite awesome too. Some even rockin' the old school mullets in a tribute to past Gladiators, I'm sure. The ladies…are even hot (except Hellga & Stealth, didn't care for them much). It should be awesome. I particularly like Wolf among the guys…because he looks like an evil super villain behemoth. Awesome.


Rambo Returns - Also coming out soon is another Rambo movie entitled "Rambo" (Gasp). Sylvester Stallone is reprising his role as everybody's favorite psychotic special ops Vietnam post-traumatic stress disorder suffering militant badass. If you like violence, check this movie out. I'm sure there will be plenty of it. What I'm really hoping for down the road though…is Rambo to be an honorary Gladiator. Can you imagine him firing tennis balls in the Assault? "YRAAAAAAAAGH!!!" Then when he runs out of ammunition, the attacker sets up for his "Ballzooka" shot but nobody's on the tower. "Where the heck is Ram…UGH!!!" Bowie knife to his throat, "You thought you could attack MY tower?" "Hey man, it's just a game. You win, okay? Game over." "IT'S NEVER OVER!!! (Slice)" Yeah, maybe that's why they aren't going to invite him. Stallone is a method actor. I wonder if they'll do celebrity Gladiators…like football players or WWE guys or something. That'd be sweet. Oh…but yeah, Rambo. It might be cool for an action movie.


Dragon Nut Z - Okay, I also heard about this the other day…and I can't wait to see how much it sucks. My brother is a HUGE fan of the anime show Dragon Ball Z including having over a dozen video games of it. I personally can't stand the show. Now they're making a live action movie about it…and I know that he's going to want to watch it opening day…and I don't look forward to that conversation. "Yeah…I've gotta work that day. Sorry." "You don't work that day." "But I plan to…because I'm not going to watch that movie…and that seems like a good excuse to me." He'd understand, believe me. That's the equivalent of me asking him to go check out a Jane Austen adaptation movie with me entitled "The Faberge Egg" and it's about…who cares, probably something British and lame. Anyway, Chow Yun Fat is going to be in it (which put him down two cool points…but luckily he has over a million) as Master Roshi and Emmy Rossum is playing Bulma and it's directed by James Wong ("Final Destination 1 & 3" and "The One", last movie with Jet Li & Jason Statham together before "War"). Who knows? It could be a good movie…but I honestly am a little frightened by the idea. Anyway, now you know…back to something else.


New Year's Day was spent at my home. I slept from about 4 AM to 9 AM, then loaded a bunch of songs on my iPod (up to over two thousand now) while watching some great college football bowl games…including the Capital One Bowl which featured the two teams that I thought would be in the National Championship, Michigan & Florida…but after disappointing season on both ends, they were matched up against each other. Michigan came so close to winning a championship last year and had NFL-bound seniors decide to return to college including star running back Mike Hart, quarterback Chad Henne, and left tackle Jake Long…but after losing their first game of the year to Appalachian State, the championship dream was over…and coach Lloyd Carr was basically fired after that game…but they waited until a few weeks ago to officially announce it. Florida won the title last year…and was returning with basically the same team…but with a new quarterback, Heisman trophy winner Tim Tebow…but they lost three games…so they weren't going for a championship. It was a great game though. You should check out the highlights. Final Score - Michigan 41, Florida 35. Lots of offense…and it was honestly the first time that I saw a team turn the ball over four times…and still win the game when their opponent didn't turn it over at all. Anyway, that's enough football though there was more.


Even though Bubbles flaked on me (understandably) for Movie Night, the Mad Scientist & I started the evening by watching "Resident Evil: Extinction" while splitting a six-pack of Killian's Irish Reds. The movie starts out SPLENDIDLY…with Milla Jovovich lying naked in the shower (though strategically draped with a shower curtain to avoid full nudity. The rest is comprised of standard zombie movie clichés (and the Mad Scientist & I laughing about every stupid thing) then having the greatest ending ever. Don't worry, I'm not going to spoil it for ya. You may be asking, "$teve, why haven't you done one of your patented Movie Lists for Zombie Movies?" If so, allow me to answer with…they all suck honestly…from a movie making standpoint. I mean…I like the Resident Evil ones because of my baby's mama Milla. 28 Days Later started with a cool "Last Man on Earth" premise…but then sucked (by the way, haven't seen "I Am Legend" yet). "Night of the Living Dead" was a great low budget thing…then it was remade a million times. "Dawn of the Dead" and all it's versions are entertaining…but they're all the same illogical hogwash…yet still entertaining. Two year ago, I'm such a zombie nerd that I even went to Max Brooks' seminar on surviving a zombie attack at SLCC…and totally picked his theories apart. Apparently, he might have been going for comedy (being Mel Brooks' son) but that's what most zombie movies are to me…gory comedy. Why do zombies want to eat brains? Oh…and in this movie, they like to go for the nipples for some reason. How do these zombie metabolize…and at a fast enough rate that they can run after you, even up stairs, and having no food for months…when they're already dead? Yeah, if I shut down the logic, then zombie movies can be scary (and sometimes in the way they're shot…but most human characters are idiots in the movie and deserve to die) or with the logic on, they're hilarious. For example, again in this one, they have zombies in a bulletproof chamber in a compound so they won't escape…but what's keeping thousands out of the compound? A chain-link fence. We had a theory about the aluminum steel alloy being the zombie kryptonite…but that was later disproved. Anyway, great flick. I definitely suggest seeing the first minute and last minute…over and over. She's just so hot. Even when covered in blood. Oh…and she has the Force now.


After that, we put in "Shoot 'Em Up" but the first preview was for the new "Harold & Kumar" movie…and the Mad Scientist said that he had never seen the original…so we watched "Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle" which is a classic…and leads me into my Movie List for the day…


Stoner Movies - First off, I have never smoked marijuana. However, I will be the first to say that some crazy stuff can happen when associate with individuals that do…and movies centered around that can be really really funny. Public Service Announcement - Say Nope to Dope, kids.


Medal Winners

Gold - Half Baked (1998) - Basically, it's the perfect stoner movie. Four friends' worlds are rocked when one of them is thrown in jail for killing a cop (police horse with diabetes) because he was high and gave Buttercup snacks. Now, the other three have to raise $100,000 before their friend's sweet virgin ass is jeopardized. How can you make that much money? No, not rob a bank. Sell weed. The hilarity ensues. David Chappelle & Neal Brennan ("Chappelle's Show" writers) wrote this bad boy and with a great ensemble comedic cast and cameos from Willie Nelson to Jon Stewart to Bob Saget to Tommy Chong to Janeane Garafolo they made movie history. Director Tamra Davis ("CB4" & "Billy Madison") did a great job here too. Clarence Williams III is a tremendous drug kingpin in the comic world as well as "American Gangster" (briefly). Every scene is absolutely hilarious and this movie begs to be watched over & over again.


Silver - Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle (2004) - Harold (John Cho) and Kumar (Kal Penn) are two stoners who end up getting the munchies. What they crave the most after seeing a TV advertisement, is a trip to White Castle. So from here, follows a journey for the burgers they require. On their way they will encounter many obstacles including a raccoon, a cheetah, racist officers, Jesus-freak swingers, and a horny Neil Patrick Harris. More cameos in this one as well with Ryan Reynolds, Fred Willard, Eddie Kaye Thomas, and some superhotties. Again, you'll probably want to watch it over & over…if not just to see Neil Patrick Harris snort coke off the ass of a stripper.




Bronze - Cheech & Chong's Up in Smoke (1978) - The Godfather of Stoner movies with Cheech Marin & Tommy Chong and their adventures when they unknowingly smuggle a van made entirely of marijuana into the United States. Even thirty years after it was made, it's still funny…and it spawned over a dozen really bad movies with Cheech & Chong along the same lines. My guess is that you've probably all seen this movie too many times…as I have…but if not, and you're a little curious, check it out. Why not? It got a Bronze.


Suggestion - Grass (1999) - This is basically a documentary narrated by everybody's favorite bartender Woody Harrelson about the American government's war on marijuana in the 20th century. A must-see for any stoner out there. However, be warned, it's not nearly as hilarious as the other movies mentioned. This is the educational suggestion…because knowledge is power. Think of your brain as a bong…and the knowledge as a chunky nugget of the stickiest of the icky…and your sharing of this knowledge with our friends…as the passing of the doobie to the left hand side. Don't break the cycle. Bogart if you must…but don't break the cycle.


Flush It - Homegrown (1998) - From director Stephen Gyllenhaal (father of Jake & Maggie Jelly Balls) comes this tale about marijuana growers in the backwoods somewhere…and they harvest…and people get shot…and it turns out bad. Not a funny stoner movie at all…as we kind of hoped the movie would entail by title…and a cast that includes John Lithgow, Judge Reinhold, Jamie Lee Curtis, Hank Azaria, and Jon Bon Jovi. However, it was a drama with the non-Bad Santa Billy Bob Thornton and the always tough emotional whiny guy, Ryan Phillippe. Watch it if you want…but it's honestly really hard to feel bad for them…so the drama is lost there…and you got swindled out of three bucks because you thought it'd be a funny movie. See? I just saved you money. No need to thank me…just pay it forward.


Future Watch - Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay (2008) - I am pretty excited about the sequel to the classic. I am a little bummed that it won't be set in the Mecca of Stoners, Amsterdam…but I am intrigued that Maria (Paula Garces, one of the superhotties) as well as the Neil Patrick Harris will be in it. Apparently, picking up from the last movie, they're on their way to Amsterdam following Maria…but because Kumar has a tan, he's mistaken for a terrorist…and Harold being possibly of Korean descent, they're thrown into Guantanamo Bay. Don't worry, I'm sure it gets better. If not, you'll certainly hear about it on this blog. Just remember, when in doubt, ask yourself "What would Doogie do?" Oh…and still waiting for Dave Chappelle to make a "Half Baked 2: Fully Baked" sequel…but we'll see if that ever happens.


Anyway, that's enough for tonight. Tune in tomorrow when I ramble about…whatever. Until then, drive safely, tell your family & friends that you love them, and cross something else off your Bucket List. Have a groovy night!!!

Happy Birthday to my Baby's Mama!!!

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I would like to start out by wishing a very special 32nd birthday to very lovely, very talented, and very pregnant Milla Jovovich. Most of you know her as an award-winning actress (I'm sure she's won a few somewhere) in movies such as the "Resident Evil" trilogy and "The Fifth Element" but she's also a supermodel (gasp), Grammy-winning musician & songwriter, and informed fairly recently...a fashion designer. If you're read this blog, you are probably aware that...well, I think she's just about the hottest woman on the face of the Earth...and if you're a newcomer to this web-based journal, now you know. Thirty-two years ago today, Milla was born to parents Bogdanovitch Jovovic, a Serbian doctor, and Galina Loginova, a Russian actress. Man, that must have been one hot socialist baby in the Ukraine that day. Of course, the story goes that she & her mother moved to California when she was young, somebody realized that she was really hot, offered her a modeling contract, got her some spots in movies & TV, lead role in a sequel of a modest hit like Blue Lagoon, get with a few directors, more lead roles, so on and so on...but all the while, taking somewhat risky roles to prove that she is first & foremost...an actress...who just happens to be really, really hot and ambitious. Now, she & fiance Paul W.S. Anderson are in post-production of their newest movie...and expecting a hot baby in the coming weeks. Sorry if you really thought that it was my child. We actually haven't met...yet. I do plan on directing a movie someday though...so who knows? Happy Birthday Milla!!! Potbellies are sexy...


This morning, after completing Medium difficulty on Rock Band, I was flipping through the channels...and stumbled upon "Snoop Dogg's Father Hood" on E!. I remember a show on MTV a few years ago that was a Snoop Dogg skit show called "Doggy Fizzle Televizzle" and it was okay...but didn't last too long. This show though, I just don't know. I only saw the last seconds of one episode, where it had Snoop Dogg cleaning up after his kids...and him basically saying that vacuuming is his place of total peace and reflection (really?) and the next episode was him trying to get his kids interested in soccer (good luck with that) and even involved him calling up David Beckham to try to come over and convince them (still probably won't work) and then they go have some American country breakfast. Unfortunately, his wife (oh yeah, he's married) is trying to get him to eat right...so she shows up at the diner where he & Beckham are eating...and gives him a salad instead of some good eats. After her speech, and she leaves, what happens? They switch plates...bend it like Beckham indeed. I may watch this show again...if I'm really, really bored. Not as gangsta as I was hoping...but exactly what I expected. Hell, if Flava Flav can have a few reality shows, why not Snoop D-O-Double Gizzle?


Alien Vs. Predator: Requiem - I know that I have voiced my eager anticipation for this movie since I found out about it. Yesterday, my brother sent me a video of a 5-minute trailer for the movie...and it has only made it worse. Here's a quick rundown of the plot (as if it were really necessary). At the end of the first Alien vs. Predator movie (which if you haven't seen, you should, unless you have no idea what I'm talking about when I say Alien and/or Predator, then I'll send you a list of movies to check out), it ends with an alien pupa bursting out of the chest of a Predator...so now, there's a new Alien / Predator hybrid...or an Alienator, if you will. It starts killing Predators on the Predator ship in orbit around Earth, shots are fired, it crashes near deer hunters (ironic because Predators are intergalactic hunters), now everything is running amuck and the human race is in some serious trouble. From here, I have no idea where it goes...but I can't wait until Christmas Day to find out. Another thing for my interest, the first AVP was rated PG-13...and just the preview for this one...is rated R. Oh yeah, there will be green, acidic blood spilled for certain, probably some cool supergadgets that the Predators always use, superstrong intelligent hybrids of the most vicious creatures in cinema history, oh yeah, me likey. I mention this just in case you were wondering how I was going to celebrate Jesus' birthday...by watching extraterrestrials rip each other apart...and the humans reign victorious once again. Oh holy night indeed.


Raise your hand if you're surprised - Remember two months ago when the stars of the two most famous scandalous celebrity videos of all time, Pamela Anderson & Rick Salomon, married a few days after Pam paid off a gambling debt paid for by Rick for 'services rendered' in Vegas? No? Well, I did blog about it. Well, surprise surprise, they're filing for a divorce. Who knew that this couple that was destined to be together (in a video) would have their relationship end so badly? Not that I really care one way or the other about celebrity marriage...but I really just wanted an excuse to put up a picture of Pamela Anderson. Don't judge me. You would too. Don't lie...or else a pixie loses its wings.




GO EAGLES!!! - I just wanted to give a BIG congratulations to the Philadelphia Eagles for destroying the Dallas Cowboys yesterday. Now, the Eagles' playoff hopes can be completely shattered by a Vikings win tonight (or one of seven other teams winning in the next two weeks or if they happen to loss either of their last two games) but where there's a will (and a LOT of luck) there's a way. Let's go Eagles!!! WOOOOO!!! Also a big congratulations to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who after over 30 years as a franchise, finally got their first kickoff return touchdown. It only took them 1,865 returns to finally have one go all the way. Here's to many more down the road, fellas. AAAAARGH!!!


Movie Monsters


Medal Winners - These are MY favorite scary movie characters. You may be scared of different things...and that's cool. I'm not afraid of clowns, vampires, or those things...and to be honest, not terrified of aliens either...but these are my favorite scary characters to watch in movies. Obviously inspired by a certain movie coming out on December 25th at a theatre near you.


Gold - Predator - Since he first made his presence felt on the big screen (by skinning soldiers and hanging them by their ankles in the Amazon), he has been the ultimate hunter. Searching the galaxy for new and more powerful prey that may stand a chance to his cat-like reflexes, keen intellect, savage brutal nature, and a wide array of cosmic weapons that is ever growing. If not for a scandalous sex video with Paris Hilton, he may have been Senator Predator now and be the third elected government official from his debut film (after Jesse Ventura & Arnold Schwarzenegger). Instead Jesse "The Body" Ventura, Bill Duke, Carl Weathers, King Willie, Bill Paxton, Lance Henriksen, even Gary Busey have all felt his wrath since then in a murderous rampage spanning three movies. Honestly, favorite part about the first movie...as it is with many of my favorite horror suspense movies...is that you don't see him for the first 2/3 or so of the movie...only what he sees and the path of destruction that he leads. The imagination wanders...but one thing is for sure...he is one ugly mother lover.


Silver - Alien - Ridley Scott, James Cameron, David Fincher, Jean-Pierre Jeunet, some of the great directors of our time have made some great movie about this creature (and Alien 3, which sucked). Probably the most frightening thing about the Alien is not it's appearance (like something out of a opiate-induced trip gone wrong) but rather it's simplicity and savagery (if that's a real word). It starts as this scorpion-looking thing that jumps on your face and plants its seed down your throat and into your body. Shortly after, the parasite grows...and burst out your chest. Oh, it ain't over...the scurrying little creature that bursts out your chest will also grow (at an incredible rate for not really eating anything that I've seen) and become a gigantic insect-like thing who uses their tongue (also a mini head) to puncture your skull...and if you injure them, their blood is highly concentrated acid. They're not dummies either. They attack in coordinated packs...are surprisingly silent...and unless you've got Ripley on your side, you're F-U-K-T. Even she has died a few times trying to survive them...but just wait until she's faced with the Alienator. (Sniff sniff) What's that I smell? Another sequel? With Space Marines, Predators, Aliens, and maybe some Battlestar Galactica robots just in case? Yeah, that would be awesome (patent pending).


Bronze - Hannibal Lechter - Brian Cox originally played him in Michael Mann's "Manhunter" but it wasn't until Sir Anthony Hopkins took the role of this doctor of...distinguished taste that he became one of the most frightening characters in movies...and apparently literature (Based on a book? Really? Damn my illiteracy!!!). What is so frightening about this seemingly harmless old man (Lechter, not Hopkins), well...there's the creepy cunning stare, hinting mischievious wit, the incredible intelligence & maticulous attention to detail, the mind games that he'll play on you until you snap & do something foolish, the savage and brutally ironic coordinated deaths of his victims, and not only that...but he'll f**king eat you. There's something to be said about the fear of being eaten. He could eat your brain...while you're still alive...and not only that...but feed it to you...so you're eating your own brain...and enjoying it. Just ask Ray Liotta. Also, on a personal note, I think that anybody that knows a great wine to compliment any human organ served...is probably evil. (Insert that creepy tasting thing he does that I can't type out)


Suggestion - The Hitcher - If you haven't seen the timeless classic about picking up a hitchhiker who turns out to be a traveling axe murderer (or whatever else he can get his hands on) then I suggest checking out the original with the always creepy Rutger Hauer or the remake last year with Sean Bean in the title role. Have you ever been stranded on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere...and it seems like nobody will pick you up...even in the middle of the day? Blame this movie. This movie (and probably "The Hills Have Eyes") is the reason that you had to walk five miles to the nearest gas station in the middle of the desert in triple-digit heat. However, after you've seen this movie, perhaps you'll understand why. Next time, carry a case of Bud Light along with your empty two-gallon tank. You may get lucky. "But honey, he has Bud Light."


Flush It - Chucky - At least the last few "Child's Play" movies have made not of the fact that they're a running joke. The soul of a voodoo-practicing serial killer gets put into a child's doll...and goes on a killing spree...so that he can be reincarnated in the body of the boy. Okay, I get your premise...but he's still a doll. He weighs two pounds, the head is detachable, and I think the only way that I'm going to be mortally wounded by a doll is if I die laughing as I watch him run after me...unless I turn around and kick him 40 yards...or just stomp on him until I simply can't anymore. He's a doll. That should scare nobody...ever, unless the doll just arrived from China containing GHB...then you may have the Seed of Chucky before you know it...but when could that ever happen?


Future Watch - Chucky vs. Lucky (2010?) Yes, in the theory of making movies like Alien vs Predator and Freddy vs. Jason, I want to make a movie called Chucky vs. Lucky which puts a doll against the Leprauchaun (played by Warwick Davis, of course). Is that wrong? Yeah, probably. If you're going to make a bad horror movie, why not make it a REALLY bad one, then you can say that you're just spoofing the genre. Right Wes Craven? Other than that, just waiting for Christmas Day...because Hollywood's giving me a present. YAY!!! Again, happy birthday to Milla Jovovich!!! Have a great day y'all!!!



P.S. Today is also Day One of the Chia Bart Era. Here is a status photo. Also, it may just be me...and it may be the sexual frustration talking...but don't Bart's eyes look like perky breasts to anybody else?