Be the Next Betsy Ross or Ross Betsy

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

RIP George Carlin: Patron Saint of Comedy - Legendary comedian George Carlin died Sunday because of heart failure. He was truly one of the greats. If there were a Mount Laughmore, he'd be one of the faces up there…along with guys like George Burns, Bob Hope, and Red Skelton. His social insight & controversial views make us look deep into ourselves and find humor in even the most horrible things…while at the same time, brainstorming about ways to better our world. Sure, he's most famous for his "Seven Words" routines or his cameos in Kevin Smith movies…but he's a great man…and the world's less funny without him. Rest in Peace, playa. Sorry to start out on a downer…but it had to be noted.

Work was okay last night...and I didn't mind being kept a little later than usual...because I got a late night call from Bubbles because she was having fun...and it reminded her of me or something. Nice. See? Stuff like that makes my whole day. Just knowing that somebody was doing something and thought, "I wonder what $teve's up to. Probably something crazy. I'm gonna find out." Also, my mom's crashing at my place for a few days (she has meetings in town) but because of my work schedule, I won't see her that much...except waking her up in the morning because she doesn't wake easily...because I hate to say it, but she may seriously be losing her hearing. It's all good though. Love that she's hanging out.

Forvik Independence - In international news, another nation has declared its independence from one of the chief members of the United Nations. Possibly inspired by the people of Kosovo, the owner of a tiny island off Scotland declared its independence from the United Kingdom on Saturday, saying he wanted the territory, population one, to be a crown dependency like the Channel Islands. In a declaration on his Web site, 65-year old Stuart Hill, who owns the 2.5 acre island of Forvik in the Shetland Islands in the North Sea, said he no longer recognized the authority of the government or the European Union, and cited a centuries-old royal marriage dowry deal as the basis for his claim. Hill has lived in the Shetland Islands on the edge of the Atlantic since 2001, when his boat capsized there during an unsuccessful attempted to circumnavigate Britain. He is Forvik's only resident, and his home is a tent on the storm-battered island. He says on his website that he plans to create Forvik's own currency -- the "gulde" -- print his own stamps and raise his own flag. Hill said he had written to the Queen offering his services as "steward" and recognizing her as head of state. "I also invite anyone from any country in the world, who supports these aims, namely to become free of liars, thieves and tyrants in government, to become a citizen of Forvik."

Ballsy!!! I like it!!! Kudos to you, Mr. Hill. Nay, Lord Grace Chancellor of Forvik, Stuart the First. I like it a lot. You've gone a little Cast Away on this small, cold, rainy island…possibly befriending a volleyball or something…and you want people to visit. Were I a Scottish native in the vicinity, I would certainly stop by to say howdy. Besides, what are they really going to do? Send in the British Navy to overthrow him? I would assume the Queen would find it comical. "Oh my, he lives in a tent with shrunken ponies. How adorable! We shall give him stewardship." Step one. Then he puts his face on some money, establishes flag with the Glasgow Rangers logo in the middle surrounded by the phrase "If it ain't Forvik, it's CRAP!!!" possibly in Latin, and print a few stamps with pictures of redheads downloaded from the internet. Of course he has the internet. He posted all of this on his website, remember? Now he can talk with the BBC or some less-reputable television station (VH1?) and set up the reality show to find his "Queen of Forvik" and they can have Shetland pony races, rock tossing, romantic fishing trips across through the craggy reefs of the North Sea, all the good stuff you come to expect from those shows…maybe even a haggis wrasslin' match with plenty of neepes & tatties for everyone (they're turnips & potatoes, I swear…but they sound so much better as neepes & tatties). It could be great. Besides, what kind of a pick-up line would it be to say that you're a Duke or something like that when you go to the mainland for supplies? A great one.

If I had my own sovereign nation…or rather some kind of principality that completely dependent upon the infrastructure of another nation but they gave me my own spot on the map because I'm cool like that, what would I name it? Loveland? Eccentricia? Funkatron? Goonie Gu Gu? $tevonia? If it were an island, I think I'd go with the Isle of Love…or if landlocked, Nipplopolis. Okay, that was on Norbit…but it does have a ring to it. We'll go with $tevonia…and the best part is…because of the money symbol, it'll be the first country listed on most computer lists. Boo-yah!!!

The Ultimate Challenge

The National Flag…shall be a challenge to all you wonderful Photoshop masters out there ready to flex your skills & receive an Ultimate Shout-Out (hint to BSUWG, Mediocre Gatsby, Bone Junior, and all the other talented artists out there). Now, many of you have been patrons of the blog for a long time…and it's greatly appreciated…but allow me to give you a few ideas that I had in mind…and some other key things that may need to be included in the design of this flag...but this is all about creative expression...so feel free to go wild.

• Colors: The world is your pallet. Go Bob Ross on it!!!


• My Initial Idea: A Panda must be involved, possibly wearing a crown & perhaps some royal bling…but not too much. In one hand he (and it is a he) holds a mighty scepter with a fortune cookie atop the phallic symbol…and in the other, a hotchuma hotchuma sexbot. Surrounding them is a heart…possibly radiating…for this is a land of Love.
  
• Other Possible Additions: Bacon, Elvis, Jesus, Pancakes, Basketball, Batman, something Vegas, Zombies, Ninjas, Dinosaurs, any of the dozens of beautiful actresses, athletes, and other female figures mentioned on this blog repeatedly…and any combination of the aforementioned…such as Zombie Ninjas or Jesus Pancakes
  


• Extra Credit: I'm thinking one of those cool effects that show things moving when you see it from different angles, like a baseball card where the player swings might have to be involved. In that case, you'd be able to accentuate the radiating heartlight, have the panda boogie (cuz gangstas don't dance, we boogie), have the sexbot drop it like it's hot, and an array of other cool effects…all while grabbing attention as the flag blows in the wind at the UN building.
  

The Grand Prize includes:

• The Ultimate Shout-Out: Usually reserved for the most Loved of Loved Ones, Hottest of the Hot, Toughest of the Tough, and those who gets me laid…WELL!!! (and/or repeatedly)
  


• The Ultimate Compliment: Your award-winning artwork will be displayed on my new blog…that I'm apparently going to have to start about the time I move down to Vegas because I'm running out of memory with all my pictures of adventures, nieces, nephews, and whatever else is on this thing. Where on the blog? How about…TOP BILLING??? Welcoming visitors to $tevonia…and establishing yourself as a National Treasure.
  


• The Ultimate Promotion: Ever wanted to be a Duke? Princess? President? Pope? Knight Bachelor? Goddess of Light? Bringer of Destruction? Name your title…and it shall be yours. When visiting the land of $tevonia, you shall be greeted with all the respect & fanfare possible on the budget of this modest two-bedroom nation.
  


• The Ultimate Business Card: Your face on the national currency of $tevonia - the coinage is called Lovies, and the foldin' money is called Funkies. "That'll be five Funky and twenty-seven Lovies." "Do you have change for a Mookie (slang for 100 Funky)?" I'll even offer you the Abe Lincoln treatment…where you can be on a Lovey AND a Funky.



• The Ultimate Deadline: Entries must be turned in by the time that I move to Las Vegas…which at this rate may be several YEARS from now…but more realistically, the next few weeks…maybe a month. My fingers are crossed…and punctuality will score you extra brownie points towards your cause.

I really look forward to entries. I'm always amazed by the incredibly clever & amazing things checking out your blogs...and now, I'd like to display some of that on my blog...since I have little artistic talent myself. Be one of the Founding Fathers (or Hotties) of this new sovereign nation of $tevonia!!! Future generations will write songs about you. That's right. I'll write a song about you, singing your praises if you so wish. It's going to be awesome!!!

Busy day at work today...so that's going to do it. Have a great day everybody!!!

Man Who Catch Fly With Chopsticks Can Accomplish Anything

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night, I watched one of my favorite 80's movies. It's the philosophical coming-of-age story about a Jersey kid who moves to sunny California, gets harassed by punks, befriends his maintenance man, who also happens to be a martial arts master…and former restaurant owner on "Happy Days", is taught the sacred traditions of this man from Okinawa, and falls for my first crush…Elizabeth Shue. I'm talking of course…about "The Karate Kid" with Ralph Macchio & the late great Pat Morita. Now, some crazy people out there have told me that they consider this a sports movie…and that simply isn't true. Karate is not a sport…it's a way of life. There are plenty of life lessons taught throughout this movie…and anybody who knows the deep, philosophical meaning of "Wax on, wax off" can appreciate it. However, I still find myself liking the Cobra Kai mottos more…like "Strike hard. Strike first. No mercy." or "There is no pain in this dojo" or "Sweep the leg." Does that make me evil? No, of course not. Also, just out of curiosity, am I the only person in the world that sings along during the tournament montage? "YOU'RE THE BEST…AROUND!!! NOTHING'S GONNA EVER KEEP YA DOWN!!! YOU'RE THE BEST…AROUND!!! NOTHING'S GONNA EVER KEEP YA DOWN!!!" Probably. Anyway, great flick…and I watched it last night…and told JL Clyde about how I wanted to be like Daniel-son when I grew up…a ninja who was bangin' Elizabeth Shue. "You're young. There's still a chance." "True, I've already got the ninja thing down…and she may be 44…but I'm still willing." She's also married too…and I respect that (call me Liz).


This morning, my sister-in-law called me up and we talked about my brother's upcoming birthday, my nieces & nephews, Pride (apparently she wants to go to the parade next year), and my hopefully impending move to Vegas. Apparently, her goal is to make it down every three months or so…but that's awfully $teve-like in scope…and she doesn't have my financial backing nor the irresponsibility to do something like that. She's got those babies to look after…and not just my brother…so we'll see. I told her at the very least that I'd get her into the Adult Entertainment Expo if she came in January. She liked that idea…as did I…as would anybody. Other than that, nothing much really going on except work today…so here's the news…and a Movie List.


Victoria's Secret Weapon - Macrida Patterson, a 52-year-old Los Angeles traffic officer, told NBC's "Today" show that she suffered cuts to her cornea from a small piece of metal that had been used to secure a rhinestone heart onto a blue thong that she bought at Victoria's Secret. So she is suing them. "I was putting on my underwear from Victoria's Secret and the metal popped in my eye. It happened really quickly. I was in excruciating pain. I screamed. That's what happened." Now, before the thought of a 52-year old cop in a blue thong with rhinestones makes you want to tear your own eyes out, try to see it from her perspective. Actually, never mind. I'm just going to look at the new summer lines on the website and forget this ever happened. How dare you try to take money out of my Adriana's perfectly shaped pockets…that I assume she wears when in temperatures below seventy degrees Fahrenheit. Hmm, where do Victoria's Secret supermodels keep their money…and driver's licenses? That's a thought for later tonight. Hotchuma Hotchuma!!!


Monument to Enemas - A bronze syringe bulb, which weighs 800 pounds and is held by three angels, was unveiled at the Mashuk-Akva Term spa in the southern Russian city of Zheleznovodsk Wednesday. The Caucasus Mountains region is known for dozens of spas where enemas with water from mineral springs are routinely administered to treat digestive and other complaints. Alexander Kharchenko, 50, said the monument cost $42,000 and was installed in a square in front of his spa. "There is no kitsch or obscenity, it is a successful work of art. An enema is almost a symbol of our region." If that is true, remind me never to go to there. A banner declaring: "Let's beat constipation and sloppiness with enemas" — an allusion to a line from "The Twelve Chairs," a famous Soviet film comedy — was posted on one of the spa's walls. Quite possibly the worst poop joke ever. Sculptor Svetlana Avakina said she designed the 5-foot-high monument with "irony and humor" and modeled the angels on those in works by Italian Renaissance painter Alessandro Botticelli. "This device is eternal, it will never change. We could promote this brand, turn it into a franchise with souvenirs and awards for medical doctors." That's slightly better than my idea of making a bronze statue for my memorial upon my untimely death…where three angels would hold a large, fully-loaded scrotal sack and ask passerbys to cough. Now there's a beautiful image. At least I know that one sculptor would be willing to do it…for about $42,000 (or about 18 trillion rubles). Now for a Movie List...


Gary Oldman Movies - Minus "Fifth Element" because I talk about it too damn much

Medal Winners

Gold - Bram Stoker's Dracula (1992) - Sure, most people know Gary Oldman as the best Villain actor EVER (that's right, I said it) if not just a badass. His role as Dracula though…made him the Ultimate Villain Badass. He basically carried the movie. Think about it. It's a great movie, can we agree on that? Okay. Done. Cool special effects? Okay, there were a few interesting things with the effects…but it's a supernatural movie. What else pushed it? The performances by Winona Ryder? Keanu Reeves? Cary Elwes? Anthony Hopkins in his five minutes of screen time? Monica Bellucci as hot vampire #3? (Hmm, perhaps…) NO!!! It was THE Gary Oldman…with a Romanian accent, I think. Some die hard Dracula fans thought this movie was horrible…but kudos to director Francis Ford Coppola for having the sheer testicular fortitude to turn it into a Love story…with vampires, nudity, and questionable casting calls. I personally love this movie…and laughing whenever Keanu opens his mouth.


Silver - Immortal Beloved (1994) - I've seen this movie twice this week. Once because I hadn't seen it in a while…and again because I had to show JL Clyde it. No complaints. The composer Ludwig von Beethoven (Oldman) has died…and the man handling his affairs stumbles upon a letter addressed to his "Immortal Beloved" whom he leaves all of his possessions. Now, the man must question those who knew Beethoven to find out who this mysterious woman (or man) is. Great (hot) performances are also given by Valeria Golino & Isabella Rossolini as former lovers…but yeah, it's Gary Oldman at his finest. Again, it also makes me want to learn how to make music…because chicks really dig that stuff. Apparently, talent & passion is very sexy. Best line in the whole movie though - While teaching his student (Golino) to play the piano, "Your lack of passion is unforgivable. I shall have to beat you." Slaps her hand…and within a minute of screen time, she's lying in her bed post-coitus. That's the Maestro!!! Anyway, check it out. Don't be scared of the R rating either. I honestly have no idea why that is. Yes, there's about three total seconds of boob & side-boob…and a Chancellor says "sh*t" in a comical tone…but that's it. PG-13 at most…even back in the early 90's. Oh…and the soundtrack is awesome because it's Beethoven…and the scenes of him as Dying Ludwig only convince me more than Gary Oldman would be perfect to play Benjamin Franklin in a biopic. Make it happen Hollywood!!!


Bronze - Leon, the Professional (1994) - Another bad guy role in this shoot-em-up classic starring Jean Reno and a jailbait Natalie Portman, directed by Luc Besson. It's the story of a professional assassin (Reno) who looks after a young girl (Portman) and they become the most unconventional of friends. She starts to admire his profession…and he teaches her to be independent and becomes her father figure…but then other killers are after him…led by Gary Oldman. Great shoot-outs, explosions, French, kids with guns, pure badassery. Gary Oldman may not get enough screen time…but he makes up for it with being creepy. See it if you haven't already…since I recommended it on my Shoot-Em-Up Movie List.


Suggestion - The Scarlet Letter (1995) - Nathaniel Hawthorne's book brought to the big screen with Gary Oldman as the sexy reverend…and Demi Moore as the object of his affections…or was it the other way around? I forget, it's been a few years…but allegedly there are some really hot steamy scenes. Speaking of which, he allegedly was in "Henry & June" (1990) starring Fred Ward, Uma Thurman (his wife at the time), and Maria de Medeiros…but I don't recall him being in there. Again, it has been a while though. Maybe it was a cameo or small role…like being Lee Harvey Oswald in "JFK" (1991) and a white Jamaican pimp in "True Romance" (1993). Love Gary as a pimp. Check it out if you haven't already. Great flick. Also, great bad guy in "Air Force One" (1997) starring President Ford. "Get off my plane!!!"


Flush It - Lost In Space (1998) - It's not Gary's fault that this movie sucked. The fact of the matter is…if Matt LeBlanc is in your movie, it's going to suck. Period. No exceptions. Look it up. Go ahead. Google it. See? Anyway, it's the movie adaptation of the popular sci-fi TV series from the sixties starring William Hurt, Heather Graham, Mimi Rogers, and jailbait Lacey Chabert (hence why she's pictured instead of something to do with the movie). Of course Gary's the evil (and possible pedophile) Dr. Smith…because he's Gary Oldman…and they paid a lot of money. Save your time & money…and watch "Fifth Element" instead if you want sci-fi Oldman.


Future Watch - Dark Knight (July 18th) - Less than four weeks until Batman is FINALLY back in theatres. Want to see this movie so bad I can taste it (and it ain't sweet). Gary Oldman plays Commissioner Gordon (or I think Lieutenant in this prequel) but I just wanna see this movie. Loved "Batman Begins" (2005) and hopefully this will be more of the same. I'm also told that I must watch "Sid & Nancy" (1986) because this is allegedly the greatest performance of Gary Oldman's career…so some day I'll have to check that out. He's also playing a part in the adaptation of "A Christmas Carol" (2009) that's going to star Jim Carrey as…well, everybody. Scrooge, the Ghosts, probably Tiny Tim. There's also a supernatural thriller being made called "Unborn" (2009) where he stars as a spiritual advisor to a young girl (Odette Yustman) who is tormented by the soul of a boy who died during the Holocaust. Should be intriguing.


That'll do it for today. Tomorrow I may be heading out to hang with my brother's family on my day off (since everybody's got the day off this weekend) so I may have more pictures come Monday. Just a head's up. Thanks to everybody out there reading this for being awesome…and have a great weekend!!!

Call Me Meester Pig

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

First and foremost, a very happy birthday to my blonde buddy JJ in Denver, who's always a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day. Sorry about the brevity of yesterday's entry (Lilie) but I was exhausted…and frankly, the game was on…and it was a good game. The Lakers won, so the season isn't over quite yet. There's at least a glimmer of hope. Anyway, enough about that, let's get to what happened over the weekend.


I'd like to say that I saw a movie Thursday night that was allegedly a comedy…but was easily one of the stupidest and most boring movies of all time. It's called "Smiley Face" and stars Anna Faris, Danny Masterson, & John Krasinski…but there's a reason that you haven't heard of it…because it's REALLY stupid…and that's a bold statement coming from me. It's the story of a lady pothead (Faris) and the 'adventures' that she has…doing absolutely nothing right. Now, it's a low budget independent film…but I've been surprised before…so I thought that I'd give it a shot. I'm regretting it now. Don't watch it. Don't fall for the "Like Harold & Kumar…but with a hot chick" kind of thing…because it is NOTHING like Harold & Kumar…though Harold (John Cho) is in it as a day player…along with Danny Trejo. Anyway, don't watch this movie. It's the new Flush It on my Stoner Movie list (sorry "Homegrown" but you weren't meant as a comedy anyway). Spend that 90 minutes of your life doing something else productive. Call up an old friend that you've been meaning to or something, anything but watch this movie. I also got a wonderful gift from Mickey, it's a talking Po from Kung Fu Panda (which I have still yet to see) from a value meal apparently. He kicks ass...and now he's in his natural environment...my crib. Skadoosh!!!



Friday morning, I woke up bright and early…because I double checking my packing and was expecting to be picked up around "Ten…10:30 at the latest" because my mom & stepdad had decided to wake up early…or so I was told. I called around 10:30 and they were just about to leave their house…which is over an hour away. Awesome. Two hours later, they pick me up at my house. Okay, it was to be expected…because I anticipated this & thus suggested that they try to show up early. If I hadn't done that, they might have picked me up around sunset. It's not their fault that I had plans to hang out with friends in Vegas…because it didn't concern them. Why should it, right? Anyway, can't complain because it was "a free ride" down there…and seriously, what was I expecting? I've traveled with them before. Kudos to my stepdad for not stopping every twenty minutes to take a ten minute leak (old age must suck) like last time.


Though we were already several hours late, they insisted on getting some lunch at La Taqueria (originally Café Rio but it proved to hard to find in Orem). So yes, I was to spend the next 6-8 hours in a truck with three 50-year olds after they had Mexican food. You know what though, it's like the Great Steve Miller once said, "You got to go through Hell before you…get to Heaven."


The drive wasn't actually that bad. It was scenic & beautiful outside the windows. We discussed gas prices of course (never thought the $75 limit on using credit cards would be a major issue until we needed to fill the tank) and how we were going to overcome them by using solar, wind, & magic power. That's right, I mentioned that I was going to be the first to design a sportscar that is fueled solely by hopes, dreams, and sexual frustration. I even mentioned the possibility of a car that runs on urine…so you may never have to stop at a convenience store ever again. Anyway, I'll keep you posted on how my car design comes through. Also, my mom & stepdad are really bad freeway drivers. My mom lacks the focus to pay attention to the road for more than thirty seconds at a time…and my stepdad has a hard time staying awake for more than an hour sitting up. Yet they wouldn't let me drive…because they're stubborn. With my mom, we came up with a new term called Gawk Blocking. It's when you keep the driver focused on keeping the truck on the road (before he/she hits those annoying yet apparently necessary shoulder bumps) because he/she is looking at the mountains out his/her side window. Luckily, I was sitting behind her…so I could see when she had a wandering eye. "Hey, watch the road Grandma." I like to throw that out there…because it's true…and she yells it to other drivers all the time…doing the exact same stuff that she does. Love ya mom. Here's what you miss sometimes as the driver on the trip from Slick City to Mesquite / Vegas…




Eventually we got to Mesquite…about three hours later than originally planned…and it took a half hour to get them checked in…so I was a little frustrated…but I got over it quickly once I called Bubbles to let her know that I was on my way & she was "super excited" to see me. The only bad part was that now I was driving pretty much into the sunset…in a truck...that I had never driven before…through the construction of North Las Vegas and to the other side of town…on a Friday night. Wasn't too happy about being given that set of circumstances…but I traversed it without resistance & made it to Bubbles' house. I was greeted by her & her 6-year old roommate Keanna. Now, the last time I was down there, Keanna did nothing other than peek around the corner…and then give out a girlish super screech and run into her room when she saw me (so she obviously liked me…but was a little kid). I heard Bubbles say to her through the doorway before it was opened, "This is my bestest buddy Cookie. Please don't scream this time, okay? He's my buddy." So then the door opens…and I'm greeted and Keanna's kind of shy and standing by the door, so I kneel down and say hi. She smiles and within a few seconds, she's asking me if I want to play. Little kids love me…eventually. They're just usually scared by my size first…but they warm up to me.


Bubbles & I got ready and went to meet up with a few of her friends & their daughter for dinner at Red Lobster. It was…well, dinner at Red Lobster. Good but not great, company was awesome though. We had a great time…and their 4-year old daughter was a cutie. After dinner, we took her back home so that her grandma could watch her…and then the four of us went to a Karaoke club at Imperial Palace Casino to have a few drinks & embarrass ourselves harmoniously. However, almost as soon as we got there…Bubbles started having a migraine…so after about an hour, it became unbearable, so we all headed home for the night. Here are some pictures before that happened though…

At least one wasn't too busy to pose...

HT & Bubbles

Hotchuma Hotchuma!!!

So basically that night, being the ultimate friend, I doubled as her Migraine Butler & helped her to find a dark, serene environment with extra strength Tylenol, cold water, wet rags for her forehead, and anything else that she needed. I was pretty tired anyway (stress from the drive) so it's all good. The next morning, she was feeling a little better. So we decided to hang out at her house with her roommates. Keanna & I played games like drawing, throwing blankets on each other, and the like. Her roommates made a wonderful lunch with pork chops, Mac & cheese, corn on the cob, salad, and mashed potatoes. It was delicious. However, they were also getting their air conditioner fixed midday…when it was about 107…and that wouldn't have been so bad…if Keanna wasn't so damn squealy…and Barbie's little rat dog Bocephus (after Hank Williams jr) wasn't yapping at the repair man every few minutes…so that caused Bubbles' migraines to get worse again…so we decided to leave & hang out at my hotel room, air conditioned & away from loud noises.


Keanna & Me

Barbie & Bocephus (AC was out)

Bubbles & Keanna

Oh, we also met up with a former Boss Lady of mine Isadora who works at the hotel that I was staying at. I mentioned to her my situation (hiring freeze at potential employer, nobody seems to be hiring in the area right now, ready to move, etc.) and she made a few calls right there because she had remembered something about a position they've been trying to find a good fit for at her hotel. Now, I had investigated that hotel before…and this position…but it had mentioned management requirements and stuff that I didn’t have per se. She talked with the guy in charge of that department…and long story short, good starting salary, pay for relocation, 12 month commitment (or I have to give the relocation back), and I should definitely apply…and it's pretty much the same position that I was applying for at the other hotel. So yeah, I may have to throw my hat into the ring (or however that saying goes) and see what happens. Yeah, I was trying to avoid a workplace on the Strip…but it's easy access from all angles (that's what she said) and its financial situation is a lot more stable…because it's with timeshares instead of hotels, so the money's paid in advance. They're building extra towers while other hotels are laying off managers. It might not be a bad situation for me. I'm definitely going to look into it. I'll keep you posted as always.



Anyway, back to the trip. Bubbles & I basically hung out at the hotel room watching TV at a low volume, with the lights out, ordered a Hawaiian pizza (surprisingly bad for the price), tried to ease her pain with my sultry Barry White baritone voice, and eventually lulled her to sleep. So I used that time to make a few calls, order the pizza, set up the time to pick up the oldies in Mesquite, say hi to the Wingman & Mrs. Wingman to set up lunch the next day…but the next day was Father's Day & Mrs. Wingman's birthday…so they already had plans. It's all good though. Then I flipped through the channels and watch parts of probably half a dozen movies like "Braveheart", "Sleepless in Seattle" (she was awake for that one), "Scary Movie" on Comedy Central, and so on. Bubbles wasn't sleeping well, having nightmares, so I was there if she needed a glass of water, a comforting rub on the shoulder, back, or neck, a reassuring word, and anything else. Sure, it's not the wild weekends that Vegas is famous for…but honestly, I went there to hang out with Bubbles…and that's what I was doing. Besides, I'd hate to think of her having serious migraines like that…and having to deal with her roommates and their squealing daughter & dog…without air conditioning (which wasn't fixed until 1 AM apparently). See? Things happen for a reason. She was miserable the weekend before in San Diego because her sister was less than helpful…but that's why she has a friend like me. We should all be so lucky.


Sunday morning, we had a fairly early checkout of 10 AM (would've been a lot worse if we had actually partied) so we checked out and went to the Sunday Brunch at Fiesta Henderson again. Great value for $12.99 and a full buffet complete with mimosas & crab legs. Oh…and fortune cookies. Yesterday, my fortune cookie said, "Focus on yellow tomorrow to achieve success…in bed." So either I'm looking for a beautiful Asian today…or I'm going to have bladder problems. We had a great breakfast, Bubbles' headache was gone & she was ever so grateful, and we even spent a few bucks gambling before heading back to her house.


It was already around noon by the time we got back to her house, so I was only able to hang out for about an hour before heading back to Mesquite / Slick City. If I were truly a prick, I would've left about three hours later…but I'm not…and like I said, it was a free ride down. So a few minutes into "Dragonheart" (really wanted to see Dina Meyer in that one), I had to leave…and I did so with big hugs from Bubbles & Keanna (who comprise all of the people in the world who call me Cookie).


We drove back pretty event free…except that I was trying to sleep…but couldn't because (as stated) my mom & stepdad drive like crap so I would doze off, then the truck would suddenly jerk and slam my head into the "Oh sh*t!" handle. Not the window…the "Oh sh*t" handle…right in the temple…because I love being so tall. So yeah, after a few deep brain bruises, I just stayed awake and gawk blocked my mom while she drove. We eventually made it back to my house a little after 9 PM and I immediately called Bubbles to let her know that I had made it home safe & sound. After that, blogged for a few seconds, watched the end of the game, and then some Family Guy & a new Venture Brothers episode. All of which were awesome…then slept like a babe until I came to work. Oh yeah, thanks Mom...for the wonderful little book of Hand Shadows. I'll be sure to put it to good use with my projector TV. Always great with the gifts...



So my Vegas adventure really wasn't much of an adventure per se…but it served it's purpose. I got to hang out with my buddy Bubbles, have fun, find out about job opportunities, and not work. All the important stuff about a good vacation. Big ups to JL Clyde for covering for me on Saturday last minute…and to Lilie for her help on Friday. You ladies rock!!! Next time you're in Vegas, I'll hook ya up…hopefully. That's really about all that I have for today. Again, happy birthday to JJ in Denver!!! We haven't forgotten you. Have a great day everybody!!!

Surprise, Surprise

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Couple of big surprises yesterday. First, I got a call from Bubbles who works at my future employer...and apparently they announced at a meeting that they are start a hiring freeze until peak season (probably September). Now, I haven't heard anything from the HR director or anything...so it's not official...but more than likely that I may be staying here in Utah for the summer. We shall see. So we were both a little bummed about this turn of events...but it does make sense. They're in very slow season, the economy's in the toilet, everybody has financial issues & to bring on the amount of employees that would require an orientation just doesn't seem cost effective...even if they're a little shorthanded right now. I understand...and I can wait...but yeah, I just hope that I get to work for this company...because I like it a lot. I just don't wanna be stalled for a long time in the same job with nowhere to go. At least I have a job though...and everything happens for a reason, so I'm not worried. Being best buds, Bubbles & I consoled each other...and it's always good to hear her voice...as most men know, one of their favorite sounds in the word is to hear a woman sound a pitious "Ahhh...I'm sorry" when it's not even their fault to help cheer you up. But then another surprise came up...

I called my mom to tell her about this (unofficial) turn of events...and she mentioned to me that she was going to Mesquite on Friday the 13th...and she said it to me as if I had known this and was invited but said no...which never happened. "Well, can I go with you guys?" "Of course, I thought that I had already asked you." "Nope. Would remember something like that." For those of you who don't know, Mesquite is about an hour away from Las Vegas...so I called Bubbles & told her the news that I'd be nearby this weekend wondering if she'd come & pick me up so that we could hang out. She was overjoyed, of course. Then she mentioned a karaoke jam with her female coworkers Friday night & invited me...so it sounds like I'm going to have a fun little weekend in Vegas to overcome my grief from not having a job there until September-ish. Again, it's not official because I haven't heard anything from the HR director...but yeah, that's the situation. Who knows? I may just have to check out other opportunities in the area while I'm down there...but I really like that company. We shall see. It all happens for a reason.

Watching "Gangs of New York" on USA right now starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Daniel Day-Lewis, Liam Neeson, John C. Reilly, Cameron Diaz, and directed by Martin Scorsese. Now, when this first came out, I thought...gangs? In 1860's? DiCaprio? Whatever. No need to watch this one. However, let me tell you...it's a Martin Scorsese film at its finest. Blood, anger, guts, intrigue, drama, revenge, power, Daniel Day-Lewis screaming & slashing, great flick. Check it out if you ever get the chance. Put the kids to bed first though. It's not for them.

I also got to thinking (somehow) about movies that I used to watch as a kid with my parents. Now, my parents had movies like "Ghostbusters", "Back to the Future", "Romancing the Stone", "Revenge of the Nerds", "Ladyhawke", "Karate Kid", "Goonies" (tehehe One-Eyed Willy), and other movies that are more PG-13 at best. As you know, for the most part, movies geared towards children are:

1. Rated PG - I mean...do they even make G films anymore? Kids shouldn't be going to the movies by themselves anyway, right? I think a requirement for G films is no poop jokes or motions faster than 5 miles per hour...and that's just not going to keep kids attention these days.

2. The Stories are Ridiculous - This may just be the anime that my brother wants to show me every time that I'm near him...and I'm not 100% sure it's geared towards children...but if not them, who the f**k would watch this stuff? Now they're making a Dragon Ball Z movie. Can't imagine how much that's going to suck.

3. You Feel Like You're Forced to Watch It - While the little kids are fascinated by the vivid colors and screen flashes that may or may not lead to epilepsy, you're sitting on the couch trying to doze off...but the sound of children's laughter & Wanda Sykes' voice keep you up. Occasionally, the kids'll jump on you because they're so excited (or sense your comfort level has increased).

4. Have at Least One Annoying Comedian Voice - On the Wanda Sykes kick, there's usually an Andy Dick, Robin Williams (at least he's funny most of the time), Rosie O'Donnell, Ellen DeGeneres (funny too), David Spade, or some other I can't think of off hand (mental block) that just gets more annoying than the cameraman on "Cloverfield" after a while...and that's saying a lot.

5. I'm sure there are more...but by this time, I'm giving the kids back to my brother & running home to have some Me & Milla time. However, I thought that I'd help out...and give you a list of kids shows that you can watch with them...and enjoy the experience with them more...because you'll enjoy the movie's subtle innuendos and just little jokes that you may come up with (or have been told to you by others such as myself if we watch them together). So here it goes...

Kid's Movies Adults Can Enjoy Too

Medal Winners

Gold - The Little Mermaid (1989) - Disney animated features as a whole are usually pretty good...well, fifty-fifty. "The Lion King" is a f**king classic. "Beauty & the Beast", "Aladdin", "Hunchback of Notre Dame", "Snow White & the Seven Dwarves", "Sleeping Beauty", "Jungle Book", "Peter Pan", "Bambi", "Robin Hood", on & on, usually have a pretty good moral story, singable soundtrack, a little bit of comedy...and a hot princess never hurt anybody. So why out of all of these do I suggest The Little Mermaid? Lion King was very close...but I had to give the nod to the story of a teenage redhead runaway who learns the valuable lesson that the way to win that Prince Charming is to get a nice set of legs, lose the crabs (and other sea creatures), don't talk, feel free to walk around naked (or with a seashell top), and enjoy your body as much as he does. Oh...and watch out for witchy whores that steal your thunder...and your man. Love that movie. Now please go watch it with your kids. You'll enjoy it a little bit more.

Silver - Who Framed Roger Rabbit? (1988) - Now, the story of this is really PG-13 and you can't deny the raw sexual appeal of Jessica Rabbit's body with Kathleen Turner's voice (What the f**k happened to her? Please, take her as a warning to not smoke & do drugs. Such a tragedy...) The story of an animated rabbit framed for murder...and his alliance with an alcoholic dick (private investigator) whose brother was killed by a toon to prove his innocence. Throw in cameos by nearly every Disney or Warner Brothers characters, animated-live action interaction, great sexual innuendo (I've always loved to play patty cake), Christopher Lloyd as a villain, and you've got a great show that kids & adults will enjoy more & more. It would be gold...but it had to go to Disney...in hopes that they would sponsor my blog someday. Now, if Robert Zemeckis wants to sponsor me, I'll switch it up...since I talk about "Back to the Future" & "Forrest Gump" enough. Think about it, Bobbie Z. Have your people call my people (who may not exist).

Bronze - Shrek Trilogy (2001-07) - Mike Myers is funny. Eddie Murphy is usually funny. Antonio Benderas is funny whether he's a puss or a bee on Flonase commercials. These movies...are just funny. Sure, it gets a little disgusting at times...but it's the whole gross factor with the kids (Remember Double Dare? You Can't Do That on Television...with Alanis Morisette? GAK in general? Playing football in the mud...or cow pastures where I grew up?) and they love that stuff. Love that it makes fun of other kids stories & fairy tales too. "Do you know...the Muffin Man?" "The Muffin Man?" "The Muffin Man!!!" "Yes, I know the Muffin Man. Who lives on Drury Lane?" Oh why did John Lithgow have to be eaten by that dragon? Oh, sorry if that's a spoiler to one of the four people in America who haven't seen that movie. My bad.

Suggestion - Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend (1985) - Yet another movie that I was raised on...and I'm sure that I've talked about it before...but it's the great story about a couple who journey into war-torn Western Africa in search of a dinosaur...and find a family of three...and find them just in time for local warlords to kill the father, capture the mother, and now they must watch over the little one and free the mother. It's like Blood Diamond meets Jurassic Park...only more kid friendly. Well, there is one line in there were William Katt ("Greatest American Hero") is talking with an African pilot about arguing with his wife Sean Young ("Blade Runner") and the pilot responds, "If it was me...I'd smack the bitch." I never even realized it was said until I watched it last year...and couldn't stop laughing. Also, check out "Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest" (1992) with voices like Christian Slater, Samantha Mathis, Robin Williams, Tone Loc, Cheech AND Chong, and the great Tim Curry. It's about the devastation of the rain forest...and really rings true to today's environmental awareness...and there's even a hot brunette fairy. Nice. Think I'll throw in a picture...


Flush It - All Those Damn Unnecessary Sequels (???) - Now, I think Aladdin really started it back in the early nineties...but do we really need all these sequels? To EVERY Disney movie? I mean...the one that I keep coming back to whenever I think about it is "Cinderella II: Dreams Come True" and it's basically about Cinderella adjusting to her new life (so I've read because I refuse to watch it). However, my idea for a sequel to Cinderella goes a little more like this...

Scene: Prince Charming is walking into the kitchen the morning after their wedding night. Cinderella’s trying to cook an omelette…but not doing too well.
Prince: "Bon Giorno Principessa. Last night was amazing. I think you drained me out."
Cinderella whispers: "Yeah, it didn’t take too long either."
Prince sips coffee and spits it out: "What are you talking about?"
Cinderella: "Nothing…I just…have you ever…you know…before? I only ask because last night I timed you and I think you broke some kind of landspeed record a few times? I was feeling magic gravy before I even got my pantiloons off. Are you on the juice or something?"
Prince: "Are you serious? I’m Prince Charming. I’ve nailed half the village. Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Repunzel, Princess Ariel, Red Riding Hood…"
Cinderella: "What? You had sex with Little Red Riding Hood?"
Prince: "Hey, she’s 18…she’s not little anymore!!! Besides, I’m sure that you’ve had a few in your day. Rumplestiltzchen, the Hunchback, Dopey & Doc, you tag-teaming hussy."
Cinderella: "Well, I hope your mermaid whore gave you crabs…that could sing & dance."
Prince: "Yeah, well it’s a shame you never learned how to make a good cup of coffee…or an omelot…you smell that? I think the chimney’s clogged. Why don’t you make yourself useful? I’ve got people to do & places to see."
Cinderella: "You bastard!!! How could you be such an asshole?"
Prince: "Well, I guess we should have gotten to know each other for more than a day before we got married. This is who I AM sweetie. I’m a Prince." Can you tell that my parents divorced? Not exactly a heart warming tale...but please, when the story's done...let it be done.

Future Watch - Kung Fu Panda (In Theatres Now) - Can't wait to see this movie. Who knows? Maybe I'll see it this weekend, maybe not. Martial Arts, Pandas, Angelina's voice in a tiger (of course), can't really miss. Oh...and I look forward to spending time with my nieces & nephew when they're old enough to watch movies. Used to watch "Finding Nemo" with my nephew Canon all the time...but that was when I was babysitting him at my dad's house. Great kid. They're all great kids. Enjoy the movies.

Well, that'll do it for me for tonight. Have a great weekend everybody & I'll catch you up on Sunday or Monday or something. Wish me luck with the job situation...but like I said, it all happens for a reason. Maybe somebody out there's looking out for me. Who knows? It's the mystery & miracle of Life. Have a happy Friday the 13th too!!!

Adventures in Babysitting 2 - Sit Harder

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

Last night was an average day at work...and then I thought I'd do a good deed and drop a coworker off at her house, so I got back to my house just before 1 AM...to find that my mom had volunteered my bed to my 11-year old cousin Alicia (already larger than my date the other night). Splendid. Again, I would look like the dick if I were to kick her out...so I just slept awkwardly. Too damn nice.

I woke up this morning around 6:30 AM when a crying woman called me. It took me a minute to realize who it was...Bubbles' mom. As you know, I like her mom and just think that she's bat crackers crazy...so I went and picked her up. She wanted me to take her to a shelter so that she can start to get her life in order...and how can you say no to that? So I spent my morning talking to her, reassuring her, driving her across town, and walking around the seedy parts of downtown trying to get her set up. Again, too damn nice...but I know that she, Bubbles, and their whole family appreciate it. I really hope that she figures it all out. Feel free to say a little prayer for her. I'd appreciate it greatly.

After that, I returned home to find my mom & Alicia waking up...and of course my cousin wants to play "Rock Band" because it's awesome. The only thing is...she only knows three of the songs on the entire game...so that's all she played...for about three hours. Luckily, I took a nap for the last half (either that or passed out from holding back my anger about being put in the situation of babysitting all day). When I awoke, my mom wanted to go to the hospital (and probably escape my cousin) so I took her (after she got me some breakfast...because I'm cheap, but I'm not free) and then I was faced with the task of trying to find out what to do with an 11-year old. "What do you want to do?" "I don't know." "Okay...so nothing? It's a beautiful day. It'd be a shame to waste it...but if that's what you want." "Well, I did want to see Indiana Jones...but I haven't seen the first ones." "Well then, how about we head back to my place and watch them?" "OKAY!!!" Awesome, having the originals just saved me $30 that I probably would have slept through anyway.

We got back to my place...and somebody is apparently borrowing my Indy collection. Dammit!!! "Well, sorry but I have lots of other movies if you wanted to see any of them..." "Do you have the Simpsons?" "Only ten seasons and a movie. Do you think that'll be enough?" "I don't know." "Sarcasm, Alicia. Google it." She's kind of a sheltered girl...but still alright because she likes the Simpsons. So we watched season three for about two hours, laughing all the way...then she played "Simpsons: Road Rage" and a merry time was had by all...because I typed this entry.

JL Clyde sent me a text earlier today suggesting that I speak with a corporation to get them to sponsor my blog...so that I can make a few bucks on the side for this rambling stuff. She suggested Hooters...and I like her choice...a lot. Who knows? If I don't get that Vegas job soon, I may just have to put in an application at the Hooters Hotel & Casino near the Strip. They do have comedian Bobby Slayton & the Rack Pack...but hopefully that won't be the case. They probably pay their employees in hot wings & hula hoops anyway. It might be worth looking into though. Who else would be a fitting sponsor for my blog?

Victoria's Secret (Adriana)?

World Wildlife Fund (Pandas)?

Popular Mechanics (Sexbots)?

The Travel Channel? As much as we both talk about Vegas, I'm surprised that they haven't called me up yet. Anyway, I'd like to hear your suggestions & ideas. Let me know what you think.

In the meantime, I'll be entertaining my cousin...and probably get con'd into doing something else for my mom...because nobody else will. Thank you all again for being so awesome...and I promise, as soon as I hear about the Vegas job, I'll let you know. Oh...and my blood donation was moved to tomorrow because babysitting a pint low could be dangerous for both of us...especially her...and my blood pressure. Have a great day everybody!!!

We Dance the Mamushka!!!

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

Happy 119th birthday to screen legend Sir Charles Spencer Chaplin, jr. a.k.a. "The Tramp" a.k.a. Charlie Chaplin. Chaplin became one of the most famous actors as well as a notable director, composer and musician in the early to mid Hollywood cinema era. He is considered to have been one of the finest mimes and clowns ever caught on film and has greatly influenced performers in this field. He acted in, directed, scripted, produced, and eventually scored his own films. Chaplin was also one of the most creative and influential personalities in the silent-film era. His working life in entertainment spanned over 65 years, from the Victorian stage and music hall in the United Kingdom as a child performer, almost until his death at the age of eighty-eight. Chaplin's high-profile public and private life encompassed highs and lows with both adulation and controversy. That was ripped right from Wikipedia honestly, but please feel free to stop by my house and we can watch some of the old silent movies that I have of him…or "Chaplin" starring Robert Downey, jr. as the Tramp…and Milla Jovovich as one of his many affairs. Great flick. Anyway, happy birthday Sir Charles Chaplin!!!

Yesterday was the 49th birthday of Thomas Francis Wilson, the actor that played Biff Tannen on the "Back to the Future" movies and Coach Ben Frederichs on the TV series "Freaks & Geeks." He also does a lot of voice-over work on cartoons and guest spots on TV shows. Just thought I'd wish him a happy birthday because he seems like a cool guy.

Today started with me jogging to the store to pick up some groceries, then my dad called shortly after to talk about getting a rental car while in Vegas four weeks from today. We set that up...and then I asked what he was doing today, "Healing." "Cool. Mind if I come hang out?" "Not at all." So I went over there and we hung out and watched "In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale" the latest from director Uwe Boll, who specializes in bad video game adaptations. This movie was a lot better than any other that I've seen from him. Again, it had an amazing cast including Jason Statham, Ron Perlman, Burt Reynolds, Matthew Lillard, Leelee Sobieski, Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, and Ray Liotta. It's the story of a Farmer...named Farmer (Statham) whose son is killed during an attack by...well, basically orcs led by a wizard(Ray Liotta) and his wife (hottie from "Meet Joe Black") is captured. So he, his buddy (Ron Perlman), and others fight for the king (Burt Reynolds) to destroy this wizard. It looked a LOT like the Lord of the Rings...and was incredibly good...for an Uwe Boll movie. Oh yeah...there's ninjas...and superhottie Kristianna Lokken ("Bloodrayne" & "Terminator 3") is the leader of the tree nymphs...who attack Cirque de Soleil style...and magicians...and knights on horses. I was half expecting Blue Men to attack as well as part of this Vegas-style army. Quite entertaining. I'd say check it out. Especially if you've heard of the "Dungeon Siege" game before...which I hadn't.

After that movie, we flipped through the channels and found "The Addams Family" movie on TV Land...and I absolutely love that movie. Could watch it over and over again...mostly for the incredible one-liners...and I like to think of myself as a bit of Gomez, just looking for my Morticia. They're just so infatuated with one another...that there's absolutely nobody else in the world when they're together. I like that. Plus it kind of reminds me of my own kooky family...and it's hilarious throughout. Then I had to go to work, so here's some news...

Breast Cancer Update - According to new studies, mushroom tips may help prevent breast cancer, the sexy killer. Allow me to elaborate a bit. Lab tests have shown that extracts from a mushroom used for centuries in Eastern Asian medicine may stop breast cancer cells from growing. The mushroom called Phellinus Linteus has a marked anti-cancer effect, probably by blocking an enzyme called AKT, which is known to control signals that lead to cell growth. Phellinus linteus is also called Song Gen in Chinese medicine, Sang-Hwang in Korean and Meshimakobu in Japanese. It has previously been shown to have anti-tumor properties on skin, lung and prostate cancer cells. So…mushroom tips may help prevent breast cancer. Remember that the next time a Doctor (Love) offers you a mushroom tip. It might just save your life…or at least be the start of a wonderful evening.

Macaque Sentenced to Death - In the British colony of Gibraltar (home of the other Rock), a pack of at least 25 of Gibraltar's famous Macaque (Ma-Cock) monkeys are being killed because they are threatening human health in the popular tourism areas. "The decision was not taken lightly. It is a last resort." Tourism Minister Ernest Britto said. Gibraltar's residents have long lived alongside the monkeys or macaques, but Britto said the behavior of one pack had got out-of-hand in Catalan Bay and Sandy Bay. "Children are frightened, people cannot leave their windows open for fear of the monkeys stealing, apes can bite and contact with them runs the risk of salmonella or hepatitis." Are monkeys allowed to vote in Gibraltar? No? Then if they're posing a threat, put 'em down. Don't get me wrong, I like monkeys. Allegedly there are monkeys in my family tree. However, if the pigeons in San Marco Square in Venice are attacking tourists like something out of a Hitchcock movie, they'd be put down too. Monkeys have bigger brains. They should know better. I'm guessing the 25 humane executions are to show the other couple hundred who's in charge.

However, the International Primate Protection League said it was considering calling on tourists to boycott Gibraltar if the local government did not stop the cull. "It is clear that the Government of Gibraltar is still not managing their population of macaques in a responsible manner, despite the fact that they undoubtedly boost the nation's economy as arguably their most popular tourist attraction," said Helen Thirlway, head of IPPL. Well, as Commander of the Coalition for the Liberation of Itinerate Tree dwellers (CLIT), I disagree with the methods of that the Gibraltar government are using…and offer a solution. Ship the troublemaking Macaques to the Hogle Zoo here in Utah…and both sides will be satisfied. The IPPL gets to know that they're being cared for by a zoological society…and the monkeys will certainly die within a few years time…because that seems to be the way of the Hogle Zoo…but at least kids will get to see them. Just a suggestion…I'm full of them.

Well, that'll probably do it for me today. You may be wondering why I put so many news clips in this thing...and it's basically because my life has been pretty boring the past few weeks especially. I expect it to turn around real soon...but until then, I hope I'm still able to entertain you...especially if you're just checking me out while bored at work or something. Try to keep your laughter down though in public, don't want the boss to catch you. Have a great night everybody!!!