Unsolved Mysteries

Good Afternoon Ladies & Gentlemen,

I would just like to thank everybody who may or may not donate for Breast Cancer Awareness and Research for my birthday present…and apparently Carl's Jr. is getting in on it too. Well, not specifically for my birthday, I'm sure, but apparently they're giving away a great gamut of coupons for dollar donations to breast cancer awareness. Kudos to you, Carl's Jr. What are some of these coupons? For one, a dollar off any breakfast burrito (paid back already…and the money's still going to a worthy cause), free Western burger with purchase of another (that's like $4 saved), and many others. I think there was a shake involved for all you ice cream fanatics out there. That's right, I'm promoting fast food…to save the tatas. Also, not a big fan of Paris Hilton with Carl's Jr. but I couldn't find the hot truck driver girl in plaid on the internet. My apologies. Still, as long as she's not talking, Paris is almost tolerable. Like the city, as long as you don't have to smell it.


This morning, I walked out to my car…and luckily, it had rained overnight and into the morning, so there was a wonderful crisp, clean feeling in the air, which always makes for a good morning. I hopped in my car…and my seat was wet. Mother lover. I checked the window to see if it had been cracked open…but it was sealed up…and there wasn't any indication that it seeped through the window gaskets or anything…so why the hell was my ass wet now?



I could almost hear Robert Stack's baritone over the background piano music, "Slick City, Utah. 10 AM. Non-profit gigolo, Dr. Mookie Love walks out to his car on a beautiful clear day. He sits within his Buick Park Avenue…and realizes…that his ass…is now wet. Confused & hungry, he inspects the car for defaults…or any explanation of his newfound moistness…but there's no evidence. Carla Smith, a nosy bitch who lives near Dr. Love who asked not to be identified, said that there had been a few instances of DSD…or Driver's Seat Dampness reported in her sewing circle over the past few months. What could have caused it? Global climate? Shotty automobile design? UFOs? A jealous ex-lover (I wish)? Condensation? Ritual animal sacrifice? If you…or anyone you know has any information about Dr. Love's soaked backside, please call us here at Unsolved Mysteries at 1-800-876-5353. There may be a reward for your information…and don't forget to Save the Tatas."


Nerd Alert - So my brother called me last night to inform me that he had seen a preview for a new fighting game coming out called "Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe" where apparently you can fight as some of the favorite MK characters…against DC Superheroes. Though it's still in the early stages, some of the matchups could be really kick ass. Who doesn't want to see Scorpion versus Superman? Sub Zero versus Batman? Lui Kang versus the Flash? Or my personal favorite, Wonder Woman versus…Wonder Woman? Anyway, no real details other than internet rumors at this time…other than it's apparently going to happen…allegedly this fall. I'll be sure to keep you posted…because you may think that I'm a nerd now…but in junior high, I was a super nerd. I know, hard to believe. I actually drew up and made lists of synchronized commands for a fighting game…that brought a bunch of fighting games together like this…but it was just about all of them (Street Fighter, MK, Marvel, DC, Weaponlord, Darkstalkers, King of Fighters, Samurai Showdown, Killer Instinct, etc.) but yeah, then I kinda went away from all of that. It's all good though. I'll leave it to the professionals for the video games…and bringing that many corporate entities together would have just been a bother anyway.


Nerd Test - I scored just under 19%. Feel free to take the test for yourself…but I'm going to warn you, it's a little long…but you'll get used to it. Tehehe, if I had a nickel for every time I've said that…


Also, big thanks to Filly for cooking me up some kick-ass chicken alfredo last night as we watched new South Park episodes. Congratulations on your graduation next week!!! I hope your computer starts working soon...so yeah, this shout out's pretty worthless...but yeah, I told you last night. Congratulations!!! By the way, I loved the South Park episode where Cartman is teaching underpriviledged kids how to cheat...and it's a great parody of "Stand & Deliver" with Edward James Olmos. Check that out if you can. "How do I reach these keeeeds?" "I mis-interpreted the rrrrrules." Lots of stabs at the New England Patriots too.



Anyway, that should do it for today. I'd better get back to work or something because God knows this place won't run as smoothly without me. (Fingers crossed, hopefully Vegas comes calling soon) Have a great day everybody!!!

Double Bubble, Toil & Trouble

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Do you like these Rockin' Tatas? If yes (and even if not for some reason), they are what I would like for my birthday present. No, not those specific ones (though it would be nice) but rather, I want to keep them...and others like them safe. That is...as you may know, I am a strong advocate for Breast Cancer research...because in my opinion, the more the merrier...and let's keep them healthier. Please click on this link and donate what you can for the Susan G. Komen Race and loyal blog reader and fellow Eagles & Elvis fan Bone Junior's team. Feel free to tell them that $teve likes your rockin' tatas. I already did. That would really make my birthday something special. Thank you all!!!

Last night, I watched "Macbeth" starring Sam Worthington (the alleged lead actor in the stalled, yet possibly forthcoming "Terminator" movie). It's an updated version of the Shakespeare classic...with the original words of the Bard...and machine guns and stuff like that. There's occasional nudity to keep you interested during some of the word-heavy parts...but of course all the classic lines are in there. Having read this play repeatedly in high school, I remembered a surprising amount of it. However, I'm going to warn all the high school kids out there about a little something that I've found...during your senior year, you'll have the option to pick English 12 or AP Literature. What's the difference? If you pick AP Literature, like I did, you may not be able to write a resume for a good job...but you'll understand "King Lear" which means...really absolutely nothing other than to impress the ladies...but only those at the Shakespearean Festival. The choice is yours. Anyway, the movie was pretty good (though I think the camera man was drunk most of the time) and I'd recommend it for anybody who likes movies like Tal Bachman's "Romeo & Juliet" or those "Hamlet" remakes and stuff like that. "Macduff was from his mother's womb untimely ripped!!!" SCHANK!!! Classic.

This morning, I got my haircut. I lost about three pounds with that...but just in time for my hair to disappear, the weather has dropped a good twenty degrees and it looks like it's going to rain. Perfect. Oh well, it'll grow back in a few weeks...just in time for the triple digit temperatures. After that, ran some more errands...and now I'm asking you all to donate to breast cancer for my birthday present. That's really about it for today. Have a great day everybody...and remember...save the Rockin' Tatas!!!

We Dance the Mamushka!!!

Good Evening Ladies & Gentlemen,

Happy 119th birthday to screen legend Sir Charles Spencer Chaplin, jr. a.k.a. "The Tramp" a.k.a. Charlie Chaplin. Chaplin became one of the most famous actors as well as a notable director, composer and musician in the early to mid Hollywood cinema era. He is considered to have been one of the finest mimes and clowns ever caught on film and has greatly influenced performers in this field. He acted in, directed, scripted, produced, and eventually scored his own films. Chaplin was also one of the most creative and influential personalities in the silent-film era. His working life in entertainment spanned over 65 years, from the Victorian stage and music hall in the United Kingdom as a child performer, almost until his death at the age of eighty-eight. Chaplin's high-profile public and private life encompassed highs and lows with both adulation and controversy. That was ripped right from Wikipedia honestly, but please feel free to stop by my house and we can watch some of the old silent movies that I have of him…or "Chaplin" starring Robert Downey, jr. as the Tramp…and Milla Jovovich as one of his many affairs. Great flick. Anyway, happy birthday Sir Charles Chaplin!!!

Yesterday was the 49th birthday of Thomas Francis Wilson, the actor that played Biff Tannen on the "Back to the Future" movies and Coach Ben Frederichs on the TV series "Freaks & Geeks." He also does a lot of voice-over work on cartoons and guest spots on TV shows. Just thought I'd wish him a happy birthday because he seems like a cool guy.

Today started with me jogging to the store to pick up some groceries, then my dad called shortly after to talk about getting a rental car while in Vegas four weeks from today. We set that up...and then I asked what he was doing today, "Healing." "Cool. Mind if I come hang out?" "Not at all." So I went over there and we hung out and watched "In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale" the latest from director Uwe Boll, who specializes in bad video game adaptations. This movie was a lot better than any other that I've seen from him. Again, it had an amazing cast including Jason Statham, Ron Perlman, Burt Reynolds, Matthew Lillard, Leelee Sobieski, Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, and Ray Liotta. It's the story of a Farmer...named Farmer (Statham) whose son is killed during an attack by...well, basically orcs led by a wizard(Ray Liotta) and his wife (hottie from "Meet Joe Black") is captured. So he, his buddy (Ron Perlman), and others fight for the king (Burt Reynolds) to destroy this wizard. It looked a LOT like the Lord of the Rings...and was incredibly good...for an Uwe Boll movie. Oh yeah...there's ninjas...and superhottie Kristianna Lokken ("Bloodrayne" & "Terminator 3") is the leader of the tree nymphs...who attack Cirque de Soleil style...and magicians...and knights on horses. I was half expecting Blue Men to attack as well as part of this Vegas-style army. Quite entertaining. I'd say check it out. Especially if you've heard of the "Dungeon Siege" game before...which I hadn't.

After that movie, we flipped through the channels and found "The Addams Family" movie on TV Land...and I absolutely love that movie. Could watch it over and over again...mostly for the incredible one-liners...and I like to think of myself as a bit of Gomez, just looking for my Morticia. They're just so infatuated with one another...that there's absolutely nobody else in the world when they're together. I like that. Plus it kind of reminds me of my own kooky family...and it's hilarious throughout. Then I had to go to work, so here's some news...

Breast Cancer Update - According to new studies, mushroom tips may help prevent breast cancer, the sexy killer. Allow me to elaborate a bit. Lab tests have shown that extracts from a mushroom used for centuries in Eastern Asian medicine may stop breast cancer cells from growing. The mushroom called Phellinus Linteus has a marked anti-cancer effect, probably by blocking an enzyme called AKT, which is known to control signals that lead to cell growth. Phellinus linteus is also called Song Gen in Chinese medicine, Sang-Hwang in Korean and Meshimakobu in Japanese. It has previously been shown to have anti-tumor properties on skin, lung and prostate cancer cells. So…mushroom tips may help prevent breast cancer. Remember that the next time a Doctor (Love) offers you a mushroom tip. It might just save your life…or at least be the start of a wonderful evening.

Macaque Sentenced to Death - In the British colony of Gibraltar (home of the other Rock), a pack of at least 25 of Gibraltar's famous Macaque (Ma-Cock) monkeys are being killed because they are threatening human health in the popular tourism areas. "The decision was not taken lightly. It is a last resort." Tourism Minister Ernest Britto said. Gibraltar's residents have long lived alongside the monkeys or macaques, but Britto said the behavior of one pack had got out-of-hand in Catalan Bay and Sandy Bay. "Children are frightened, people cannot leave their windows open for fear of the monkeys stealing, apes can bite and contact with them runs the risk of salmonella or hepatitis." Are monkeys allowed to vote in Gibraltar? No? Then if they're posing a threat, put 'em down. Don't get me wrong, I like monkeys. Allegedly there are monkeys in my family tree. However, if the pigeons in San Marco Square in Venice are attacking tourists like something out of a Hitchcock movie, they'd be put down too. Monkeys have bigger brains. They should know better. I'm guessing the 25 humane executions are to show the other couple hundred who's in charge.

However, the International Primate Protection League said it was considering calling on tourists to boycott Gibraltar if the local government did not stop the cull. "It is clear that the Government of Gibraltar is still not managing their population of macaques in a responsible manner, despite the fact that they undoubtedly boost the nation's economy as arguably their most popular tourist attraction," said Helen Thirlway, head of IPPL. Well, as Commander of the Coalition for the Liberation of Itinerate Tree dwellers (CLIT), I disagree with the methods of that the Gibraltar government are using…and offer a solution. Ship the troublemaking Macaques to the Hogle Zoo here in Utah…and both sides will be satisfied. The IPPL gets to know that they're being cared for by a zoological society…and the monkeys will certainly die within a few years time…because that seems to be the way of the Hogle Zoo…but at least kids will get to see them. Just a suggestion…I'm full of them.

Well, that'll probably do it for me today. You may be wondering why I put so many news clips in this thing...and it's basically because my life has been pretty boring the past few weeks especially. I expect it to turn around real soon...but until then, I hope I'm still able to entertain you...especially if you're just checking me out while bored at work or something. Try to keep your laughter down though in public, don't want the boss to catch you. Have a great night everybody!!!

Thank God Almighty for Titties & Beer

Good Morning Ladies & Gentlemen,

Yesterday was a lazy day of living quarter sanitation and home cooking. Lots of laundry, talking to the landlord again, set up my San Diego trip in a few weeks, cleaned the kitchen...and then immediately dirtied it up by woking up some stir fry with pork tenderloin...and then cleaning it again. I also walked around the neighborhood a bit since it was a beautiful day. I know, it sounds really lame...but I also saw some good movies.

First, I watched one of my favorite Steve Martin movies "Roxanne" starring Daryl Hannah. It's a comedy about a small town fire chief who falls in love with a beautiful astrologist named Roxanne (Hannah) but despite being a witty, sweet, overall great guy (with silver hair) he happens to have an enormous nose...and so he thinks that she's out of his league. Meanwhile, a young handsome idiot of a firefighter moves into town...and he's ultra-nervous (vomits) when talking to women...so he asks for Steve Martin's help by speaking for him...through letters & walkie-talkies and stuff. It's actually a really funny movie...and one of my favorites because it gives that sense of hope to us witty, sweet, and overall great guys with hideous noses (still brown hair though) that we can land an intelligent superhottie by just being open & honest with them. Yeah, yeah, I know it's all Hollywood hogwash...but still it's funny. Check it out.

Later in the evening, I watched Ben Affleck's directorial debut "Gone Baby Gone" starring his little brother Casey, Michelle Monaghan, Ed Harris, Morgan Freeman, and other greats. It's about a missing child case in Boston that leads into the criminal underground...and that's really all I'm going to tell you so that I don't give anything away...but I really suggest this movie if you're into those police drama whodunit kind of movies. It was incredibly well done...but it's gonna make you question what's right and wrong...and you're probably not going to have the answers. My hat's off to Daredevil for doing a great job of directing this movie. It was shot very similar to movies like Clint Eastwood's "Mystic River", Brian DePalma's mysteries and some of the other greats like "The Departed." You seem to have done your research. Kudos. Check out this movie...if you're interested in these movies. Casey Affleck is kind of a badass in this movie...in a Ryan Phillippe kind of way...only more masculine.

Pancake Update - Thousands of people, including an official with Guinness World Records, escaped the bone-chilling winter weather of Fargo, North Dakota on Saturday for the 50th anniversary of The Kiwanis Club's Pancake Karnival fundraiser. Grillers flipped flapjacks and served them with sausages and orange juice for most of the day until they set a record for 34,818 pancakes. Mmm that's a lot of pancakes...and probably a lot of bacon...and swimming pools full of maple syrup...oh God, that sounds heavenly. "Excuse me Miss. You seem to still have a little syrup on the small of your back. Don't worry, I'll get it for you. Mmmm, I think I got it. Sorry for making you shiver like that." Wait, then again, it was probably the freezing temperatures causing that shivering...but she didn't seem to mind. Wait, that never happened. I just imagined it. How did I...oh yeah, pancakes, bacon, and syrup. Sorry, I kind of black out when I think about that stuff too much. Congratulations to Fargo!!!

Not a Bad Idea - In England, there are apparently about 3500 stores that have a device called a "Mosquito." No, it's not a superlame sex toy...but rather a unit that emits a high-frequency noise that can drive misbehaving children away...similar to those devices that deter attacking dogs. Now, the Commission for Children & Civil Liberties has stepped in to say that it's inhumane or something. "This device is a quick fix that does not tackle the root cause of the problem and it is indiscriminate." You heard the Commissioner. The device isn't the solution. TACKLING is the solution. There are a lot of out-of-work Rugby players that would love to be security...and if some little pain-in-the-ass or a group of rowdy teenagers are causing a ruckus. BAM!!! Tackle them with good form...and probably spit on them while they lie on the ground...just make sure to knock them out of the store so as not to disturb the customers of the store. Also, feel free to tip the security guards based on the skill in the tackle. If you felt it was incredibly entertaining...perhaps because the picked them up off the ground and spiked them in a fluid motion, give them a pound. "Good show, ol' chap." "Ey, the pleasure's all mine. I love me job."

Too Much of a Good Thing - Country legend Dolly Parton has postponed her upcoming North American tour dates due to begin in Minneapolis on February 28th. Doctors recommended that the 62-year old performer take 6-8 weeks off to rest her sore back. Why is her back sore? Is it her crunk style of performing and willingness to dive into the crowd and surf upon their hands? Not at her age. Is it an old volleyball injury coming back to haunt her? She probably has never seen a volleyball. I wouldn't be surprised anyway. Is it from slouching while walking around "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas"? She's quite petite...well, most of her. It's obviously from trying to support those voluptuous breasts of hers for nearly half a century. I wish her a speedy and complete recovery so that she can get back to entertaining people with her backwoods wit, number one hits, and incredible...personality. On the real though, I think Dolly is a wonderful funny lady with a caring heart and I wish her the best.

Now, a few ladies have talked to me about getting Breast Reduction surgery (apparently because they know that I'm a big fan) but those surgeries can be awfully expensive. However, I've considered a way to possibly supplementy the cost of that surgery...and those of a Breast Enhancement...by pairing the two ladies up...in a sort of Breast Exchange Program. Now, I'm not that kind of doctor (as in, "Please don't hand me a scalple. I wouldn't dare destroy those beauties.") but there might be a way to simply switch one to another...but I assume it's not nearly that simple because of blood types, organ rejection, all that other stuff...so maybe it is easier just to take tissue out...or replace with a ziploc of saline solution...but there's something that I want to say for anybody considering this surgery for anything other than your health. Please don't do it. If you're not happy with the breasts that God gave you, then you're hanging around the wrong people. If you're ever looking in the mirror and thinking "Why do I have such tiny breasts? They're all nipple. They're honestly like mosquito bites" then I'll show you a man who will gladly look at those breasts, spout amateur poetry about them (probably in an English or Spanish accent for emphasis), and will assist you in showing just you nice it is to have nipples, while cleaning them orally. Also, don't forget to get routine mammograms...because those gorgeous things may be ticking timebombs of titilation...and nobody wants you to go through that either. Basically, I'm just saying...feel free to share your concerns with others...and they'll be more than happy to help you out.

On that same note, I was watching Comedy Central last night and saw one of my favorite comedians, Rodney Carrington. He has a new stand-up routine...and being mostly hillbilly, I like his style. He used to have a show on a major network...but I stopped watching after the first few episodes...because it's not the Rodney that I grew up with. Anyway, he sings wonderful songs with titles like "Dear Penis", "Titties & Beer", and a new number, "Show Them to Me" where he expresses his opinion that the solution to world peace is actually quite simple...and it involves you bearing your chest...because nobody wants to fight when they see those wondrous things. It's a proven fact, I think. Anyway, you should check him out. Because it's Comedy Central, it'll probably be on every few hours for the next couple weeks. Oh...and it's rated M for Mature...but you'll enjoy it.

Showgirls 2 - One of the hottest actresses ever, Gina Gershon ("Bound", "Face/Off", "Showgirls") has joined the cast of a Taylor Hackford directed movie titled "Love Ranch" set in a Nevada brothel. Helen Mirren ("The Queen") and Joe Pesci ("Casino" & "Goodfellas") star as husband-and-wife owners of the ranch who fall into a dangerous love triangle with a South American boxer (Sergio Peris-Mencheta). Gershon and Scout Taylor-Compton (Rob Zombie's "Halloween") play a veteran and a newcomer working on the ranch, Bryan Cranston plays a state senator who becomes entangled in their sordid affairs. Ling Bai & M.C. Gainey are in it too. It sounds like it could be a good movie. I mean...it has Joe Pesci & Gina Gershon set in Nevada. It's like a mix of "Casino" and "Showgirls" but directed by the guy that did "Devil's Advocate." Interesting mix.

Well, today I have no plans until going to see "Sweeney Todd" tonight at Brewvies...so I can enjoy a throat-slashing musical while eating nachos, drinking beer, and hanging out with some ladies. So I'll probably just relax, maybe take a nice walk around the neighborhood or something. You know me. I'll find a way to entertain myself. All things are go for San Diego in a few weeks...just hoping somebody wants to go with me for a week...but I've got Mr. & Mrs. Wingman going with me. I just don't want to cramp their style or anything. Maybe I'll just hang out at the high class bars or something. It's a shame that Legoland isn't open late. Have a great night everybody!!!